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Joe was - not that he'd ever admit it - extremely nervous. He couldn't stop adjusting his black suit jacket and somehow, his collar seemed too tight. Was black even a good colour for this? Should he rather wear the grey one? And was this shirt too tight? It kind of stretched over his chest...
"What the fuck", he muttered to himself and ran a hand through his brown hair, accidentally messing it up in the progress. "Ah, shit! What's the time-"
As if on cue, the doorbell rang and Joe hurried to answer it.
"Ciao!" Samuele gave him a wide grin and winked. "Oh, bene, you're ready!" He waggled his eyebrows. "Looking ravishing, too!"
"Pervert", Joe muttered and ducked down to let his boyfriend press a quick kiss to his lips. "I messed up my fucking hair, wait up, 'kay?"
Samuele flashed him another grin. "Your hair's fine, Joe! Let's go!"
The young Italian wore a tailored tan suit with a pristine white shirt and shining brown Italian designer dress shoes. His hair curl was still all over the place and no, what the fuck, that did not look adorable.
Joe glanced in the mirror - okay, it wasn't too bad - and moved to put his trademark sunglasses on when Samuele darted forward to stop his hand.
"Aw, don't!", he whined and snatched the sunglasses away. "You're gonna have to take the occhiali da sole off in the restaurant anyway."
"What the- give those back!" Joe lunged to take them back. "Your family owns the fucking place, they can make am exception! Gimme my sunglasses; dammit, Sam, this is not funny-!"
Samuele pouted, but handed the sunglasses back to their owner. "Why're you so mean..."
"Sorry", the Molossian mumbled and placed his cherished glasses back on. His world turned darker, but he felt his nervousness fading.
"Joe~?"
"Mh?"
"Are you nervous?"
Joe whirled around and let out a forced laugh. "N-no!"
Samuele bounced forward and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's middle. "Il mio tesoro, my family's not so bad!"
"Don't talk Italian, I don't understand a damn thing", Joe grumbled and coughed. "Okay. Let's go."
"Yatta~!"
"No fucking Japanese either!"
--
(A few hours before)
"So you're meeting the Vargas family?", Alfred said. "Hoo, dude, good luck!"
Joe stopped petting Chomper who whined in disdain at that. "What? Why?"
"If you're gonna meet the whole family, that means Lovino and Feliciano and their grandpa! And, if you're unlucky, the super strict Catholic guy, the oldest brother. But if you're lucky, their cute sister's gonna be there!"
"You know them awfully well."
"Of course~! I went to Cambridge with Feli and Lovi!"
"Now's not the time to throw your superior education in my face!", Joe barked and Chomper whined.
"Dude, I didn't?! Anyway! Good luck! Text me if you pass the test!"
And his brother hung up with a mad cackle. Joe stared at his phone.
"...'if you pass the test'?"
--
The Vargas family owned several fancy Italian restaurants that were renowned for their service, quality, meals and ambience. Joe had never even been able to order more than a salad here - it was hellishly expensive.
"Buonasera, Signorino Vargas!", the head waiter, an elderly man with a warm smile, greeted. His uniform looked as expensive as Joe's suit.
"Buonasera, Riccardo!", Samuele said cheerfully. "Is the rest of my family here already?"
The waiter - Riccardo - nodded. "Please, follow me, signori."
Joe had never felt more out of place. Men wearing watches that could pay his rent for a year were dining here, women wearing diamonds that looked too real. Shit, he wasn't cut out for this!
Suddenly, a warm hand grabbed his and entwined their fingers together.
"It's okay", Samuele said quietly while they followed Riccardo through the restaurant. He gave him a confident smile. "You trust me, right?"
Joe shrugged and mumbled something incomprehensible under his breath. "I guess."
"Fratello! Ciao, ciao~!"
Joe jumped when his boyfriend was tackle-hugged by a copper haired guy with hazel eyes and a weird curl. "...?!"
"Ciao, Feli!", Samuele said and pried his older brother off him. "Joe, this is my third brother, Feliciano. Fratello, this is Joseph."
"Ve~!", Feliciano called excitedly and bounced up and down. "You look scary! I think you and Luddy will get along!"
"Luddy...?", Joe said and frowned slightly. Who the fuck was Luddy?! Another brother? A sister? An uncle?!
"My fiancé, Ludwig Beilschmidt!", Feliciano said and as if on cue, a ridiculously buff blonde placed a hand on the Italian's head. "Ouch, Luddy! Ve~"
"Don't go sneaking off", Ludwig growled with a German accent and stretched one hand out. "Ludwig Beilschmidt. Feliciano's, uh, fiancé."
Joe grabbed the German's hand. "Joseph R. Jones. Sam's boyfriend."
"Jones? Are you related to an Alfred F. Jones, by any chance?"
He grimaced internally. "My brother."
"Small world."
"Seems like it."
"C'mon, let's go greet the others!", Samuele called and pulled at Joe's sleeve.
"Ve~!", Feliciano joined in. "Nonno is really excited to meet you, Joseph!"
Joe wasn't quite sure how to take that.
"Samuele!", a booming voice called when they arrived at a private, secluded table. "Dai, bambino!"
"Nonno!", Samuele squealed and rushed to hug a guy on par with Ludwig's level of buff. Grandpa Vargas was aging well, his brown hair still mostly brown and his face almost free of wrinkles. When Samuele pulled back, he grabbed Joe's hand and beamed at him. Somehow, it made Joe feel a teensy bit better. "Everyone, this is my boyfriend, Joseph!"
Scratch that. He wasn't feeling any better. Grandpa Vargas - Romulus or something like that - was smiling at him, but two of Samuele's brothers were much less friendly. One of them held a beautiful blond woman's hand and had that annoying Vargas hair curl on his left, his hair was brown, not copper. The other one was a priest or whatever if his clothing was anything to go by. He looked mostly aloof, but his green eyes were glinting dangerously. Joe's heart sunk. So 'super strict Catholic guy' was here.
"Joe, this is my grandfather, Romulus Vargas!", Samuele introduced. "You know Feli and Ludwig now. The beautiful lady over there is my sister Martina..."
Martina, who looked scarily like Samuele, gave him a warm smile. "Nice to meet you, Joseph."
"The grump over there is Lovino and the dashing lady next to him his girlfriend Emma!"
"Oi, brat!", Lovino grunted and glared at his little brother.
"Hello Joe!", Emma greeted cheerfully, her green eyes shining with glee. She also had an accent - Dutch? French? Joe wasn't sure.
"And this is my oldest brother, Alessandro!"
Church-guy-Alessandro gave a curt nod. "Good evening."
"Uh, hello", Joe said awkwardly and took a seat next to Samuele. "It's nice to meet y'all- you all!"
Romulus let out another booming laugh. "It was past time to meet you, signorino! After all, you stole my baby grandson's heart!"
Joe smirked at that; Samuele whined.
"Nonno, per favore~"
"Samuele", Alessandro spoke up. "English. You forget that Emma, Ludwig and... Joseph are not fluent in Italian."
The youngest Vargas pouted. "Sì, fratello."
A hard glare. Samuele flailed. "Uah! Sorry! I meant, yes! Yes, brother!"
Joe glanced at Alessandro and gave a small nod of thanks and he could have sworn that the oldest Vargas brother nodded back. It could have also been a weird muscle twitch, but oh well.
--
The food was, as expected, out of this world. Joe's usual dinners consisted of coke, beer, mac'n'cheese or burgers, whatever a college student could afford, not Italian haute cuisine and expensive wines. He was very glad that he didn't have to pay for this, though. Perks of dining with the family that owned the restaurant.
"So, Joseph, you're from America, aren't you?", Martina asked when dessert was served.
Joe resisted the urge to glare at her. "Uh, I've been born in Molossia, actually. Micronation in Nevada. Grew up Washington DC. I've been living in London for years, though."
"How's Alfie?", Emma asked, her fingers linked with Lovino's. "Is he still with Arthur?"
"Yeah", Joe said, remembering the last time he had met his brother's boyfriend. "It took them long enough to get together, so they better not break up."
"Ve~!", Feliciano called. "They're so cute, together, ne, Luddy?"
Ludwig shrugged. "Probably."
"Excuse me for a minute, I'll go to the restroom", Samuele announced and left the table, bouncing in his step.
Suddenly, Joe felt like the temperature had dropped several degrees.
"Listen, hamburger bastard", Lovino growled. "We know your kind, you're nothing but assholes."
"Samuele has rejected a very nice Italian girl for you..." Alessandro said in his creepy soft voice, "...an American lower class-"
"I'm not lower class!", Joe snapped.
"Just because your brother Alfred managed to work with the NASA and your brother Elliott is now a popular young politician with questionable ideals doesn't mean that you are of their level", Martina said with a scoff. "What do you do for a living? What are your plans, Joseph?"
Joe prayed that Samuele would return soon. "The fuck is this, an interrogation?"
"Yes", Ludwig said and fuck, Joseph had forgotten how scary Germans could be.
"I go to college, agriculture and ecology", Joe said through clenched teeth, fighting down the urge to show them all the finger and leave. "I'll graduate next year and then I'll do my military service. Sam knows this, we talked about it."
Romulus was still grinning, but it gave Joe the creeps. "I hope that my baby grandson is part of these plans and your future."
"Because you are in his plans, ve~", Feliciano added.
Joe felt a nice tingle in the pit of his stomach. So Samuele included him in his plans for the future? That was oddly nice to hear.
"Listen, I dunno what you guys are thinking of me", he said. "But I'm serious about your brother, or, uh, grandson. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. So yeah, I'm pretty fucking much in love with him and I'm not gonna break up with him because his family told me to or thinks that I'm too 'lower class' for him, kay? I'll only ever leave him if Sam doesn't want me anymore, for fuck's sake."
"Good", Alessandro said and smiled. Joe almost screamed in horror. Let it be said that the muscles in Alessandro's face responsible for smiling motions hadn't been used in quite a while. "If you had felt otherwise we would have been forced to take action."
Joe didn't inquire about the details.
Romulus laughed heartily and the tension of the rest of the family and their significant others vanished. "That's good to hear, young man! Let's order a digestif!"
--
When Samuele returned, his grandfather and Lovino were tipsy, Alessandro was back to staring blankly into the distance and Feliciano chattered happily with Emma about tomatoes and how they were superior to potatoes where Ludwig butted in to object.
"Sorry I took so long!", he said and shot Joe a grin. "I met a friend from school on the way back~"
"Sam." Joe's eyes were shining with both fear and respect. "You know that I love you, right?"
"Uhhh, yes?" Samuele blinked and pecked his boyfriend's cheek. "I love you too, Joe~"
"Please never leave me alone with your family again", the Molossian whispered and his fingers dug into Samuele's arm.
Samuele laughed. "Did they give you their intimidation talk? Became all creepy, asked about your future plans with me and all that? That's kind of the inauguration into the family. Y'know, Ludwig and Emma got it too, look at them now, they're basically part of the family!"
Joe could only confirm that. Lovino seemed a bit hostile towards Ludwig, but all in all, Feliciano's boyfriend and Lovino's girlfriend seemed like they were indeed part of the family.
"Is that so?", he mumbled.
Samuele grinned. "Sì! I think you've passed the test since you're, well, still here. Nonno would've had you thrown out otherwise."
Joe coughed and sipped at his digestif. "Uh, that's a relief?"
"Don't worry, il mio tesoro", Samuele said and his voice dropped to a low whisper. "I'll make it all up to you tonight."
Joe felt himself flush bright red and quickly looked away only to see Grandpa Vargas wink at him and shoot him a thumbs up.