Archive of Our Own ^beta

Ryuunosuke had been in a state of perpetual rest and wakefulness. Sadly, it was an often occurrence. A state where he felt neither awake nor asleep. Where all he could see were blurred outlines of what truly was in front of him. Where all sounds that rang out around him were muffled or even muted to his ears. Where all he could feel was the sensation of cold, sweaty skin. It was like a dream, but at the same time, it wasn't.

Today was not a day of hallucinations. Today was a day of disassociation.

Ryuunosuke was lying up against the wall that was not plaster, stone, or brick, being not cold or stiff, but not a wall that was soft, either, like cotton, satin, or feathers. Feathers, feathers, feathers? What was the wall made of again?

Ah... feathers. That's right.

The wall was a mattress.

Ryuunosuke felt himself slowly growing more self-aware. Small things, such as noticing he was still breathing, finally hearing the soft beat of his heart in his skull, feeling the slight shivering of his body, twitching in disgust as he felt the sweat of various areas in his body soaking his clothes and sticking to his body, and finally feeling the sensation of scratching his palms with his trimmed fingernails. It was usually touch and feeling that came back to him first.

Dull borders of objects began to sharpen and define their shape. The faint tang of lemon-y aftertaste from his last meal. The faint, but overwhelming scent of linoleum, accompanied with wafts of cleaning product, dust, and disgusting sweat.

He could feel his mind beginning to process more, too. Small, frivolous thoughts of what day and what time it was, how long his episode had lasted, and others. But one sluggish thought stuck out among the others.

Who was that screaming?

It was that screaming that had brought him out of his episode. Whoever it was, they were clearly suffering. Howls of agony and screeches of terror, if Ryuunosuke had been more aware at that moment, he might've been able to recognize who it was. Hearing usually came last, so it wasn't exactly unusual he couldn't tell.

Still, Ryuunosuke wanted to know who it was. The sounded like they were in extreme pain. It ached Ryuunosuke's heart to hear the screams, even if he didn't know why.

He shifted his body slightly, placing his hands on the mattress below him. With a slight grunt of effort, Ryuunosuke pulled himself up to a standing position, his legs trembling slightly from their lack of exercise. Thank goodness they hadn't put him in a straitjacket this time, or else he might not have been able to stand at all.

He took a few steps to the door to his padded cell, where he glanced outside of the small window into the hallway.

It seemed as though it was the perfect timing, as Ryuunosuke spotted several nurses and hospital workers pushing a stretcher from deeper in the isolation ward leading outside. On the stretcher was a familiar figure.

Atsushi's screaming had lessened. They had probably given him a sedative. From Ryuunosuke's glance, he looked as though he was in the middle of a PTSD attack. His eyes were wild and terrified, like a cornered animal. Ryuunosuke also saw flecks and splatters of blood around his hands and fingers, which meant he'd been trying to hurt himself again. Ryuunosuke had seen it many times in Atsushi, where he couldn't use a knife to slit his wrists, so he instead used his fingers, teeth, and nails and tried to hurt himself. Ryuunosuke remembered one day he'd tried to peel his own skin off. But strangely, Atsushi also looked paler than the last time Ryuunosuke had seen him.

Of course, Ryuunosuke didn't know how long ago that was, but it couldn't have been too long. Certainly less than a week.

His isolation ward gown hung all too loosely around his body. His cheekbones seemed to bulge out of his face, leaving his cheeks sunken. His eyes had circles so dark around his eyes they almost looked like bruises. Of course, Ryuunosuke wasn't one to talk when it came to sleep deprivation.

But Atsushi was so skinny it hurt Ryuunosuke to look at him.

But the hospital workers pushed the stretcher away and passed by his cell quickly before he could get a closer look. Ryuunosuke wanted so desperately to ask what had happened to Atsushi. Maybe he could coerce Kyouka into telling him later.

Ryuunosuke absolutely hated seeing Atsushi like that. It made him feel nauseous. But it also made him almost want to cry. Atsushi was such a beautiful person, he didn't deserve to hate himself so much.

---

“ What happened... before?” Ryuunosuke asked.

He had woken up in the hospital not long ago. Yosano-sensei had just finished her checkup of him, and apparently he was in need of a new prescription for his insomnia. He hadn't had a chance to ask Kyouka what had happened to Atsushi when she had come to escort him out of isolation. Actually, perhaps he had asked, and just didn't remember it. The absence of memories, albeit not an uncommon occurrence, was still a jarring sensation no matter the circumstances.

“ Oh yes, you were in isolation two days ago, weren't you?” Yosano recalled. “Well, it was Atsushi.”

I know it was him, Ryuunosuke thought to himself with a twinge of annoyance. But Yosano didn't know he already knew that. “What happened to him?”

Yosano looked away sadly. “He was trying to starve himself again, and had another PTSD attack in the middle of it.” When Ryuunosuke didn't reply, she continued speaking. “He's still alive. We're keeping him sedated and he's recovering in the hospital. He'll be okay in time for the next group therapy session.”

Ryuunosuke couldn't help raising his eyebrow condescendingly. “Is this a way of trying to tell me I should attend next session?”

Yosano shrugged. “Either way, it's your choice. I just think there's no harm in trying to mend bridges with Dazai.”

Bad memories resurfaced as he was reminded of that man. Ryuunosuke quickly shook his head before they could overwhelm him, pinching his arm behind him as a way to keep him focused on reality.

“ You think he'd forgive me?” Ryuunosuke asked hesitantly, his eyes squeezed shut tightly. Tears threatened to well up in his clamped eyes.

“ You know Dazai's not the type to hold grudges.” Yosano comforted. “In fact, he's probably already forgotten about it...” Her voice trailed off, a trace of sadness in her tone.

“ Y-yes...” It almost made him feel worse. How could it be that the thing Ryuunosuke had been so upset over be for nothing? It made him feel so pathetic.

“ Anyway,” Yosano interrupted his thoughts. “You should go downstairs and eat something. It'll help you feel better. I'll get back to you about that new prescription for your insomnia.”

“ Okay. Thank you, Yosano-sensei.”

“ And be sure to actually eat something, okay, Ryuu? Don't make me ask Kyouka to force-feed you.” Yosano called back to him, chuckling a bit.

“ Yes, sensei.” Ryuunosuke wanted to laugh with her, but just couldn't.

---

“ Good afternoon, everyone!” Kenji clapped his hands together. “I'm happy to say that nearly everyone from our very own intensive care unit is here today! I have a few activities planned for today's two hours, but first things first, would everyone like to go around and share how you would rate your week out of 10, and how you feel right now?”

Miyazawa Kenji, the absolute ball of sunshine who led group therapy. He was a student studying psychology, and would be working at the institution on a sort of internship. He fit in well with the staff, and got along with patients so well that he was promoted to lead group therapy under the supervision of other therapists in the institution, but eventually they decided he didn't need to be monitored, and allowed him to carry on as normal. Ryuunosuke sometimes wondered how one person in such a bleak environment could possibly stay so happy, but it just seemed to be just a part of who Kenji was as a person. Ryuunosuke couldn't deny envying him a bit.

True to Yosano's words, Atsushi had shown up at the group therapy session. Ryuunosuke had tried not to stare at him too much, not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable, but he still felt very worried for him. Some of the color had returned to his face, but Atsushi still looked too thin. Bandages and smiley-face band-aids were wrapped around his fingers, but the dark circles under his eyes didn't look as dark as before.

Dazai raised his hand. “Kenji, can I go first?”

“ Sure! Please start with how you'd rate your week, with ten being the best and one being the worst, and continue with how you feel right now.”

Dazai thought for a moment, tapping his chin with his index finger, humming. “I think it's been a seven-point-five out of ten? My time with Chuuya was really progressive, and I don't think anything bad happened. Of course, I'm still forgetting things.... but it's not so bad. I don't usually feel sad over it because I've already forgotten!”

Dazai Osamu, the record-holder for most times put under suicide watch in their entire ward. He had MPD, multiple personality disorder. Ryuunosuke had never met his other personalities, but that was only because Dazai was so good at lying and hiding himself from others. He was also diagnosed with depression, like many of them in the ward, but you wouldn't think it if you saw him. He acted a lot more cheerful than the rest of the patients, but it was because he acted so cheerful that he was so much more worse-off than the others. He also had some form of Alzheimer's, although Ryuunosuke had forgotten which kind. Dazai was the only one in their ward whom Ryuunosuke and-

He was the only one in their ward whom Ryuunosuke had known before being institutionalized.

“ That's good to hear, Dazai! I'm glad your therapy has been going well for you.”

Ah yes, Dazai's therapist, Nakahara Chuuya. One of the only individuals that could actually get through to Dazai. Ryuunosuke suspected there was more than therapy happening in their private sessions, but, of course, that wasn't any of his business.

“ Ranpo, you next?” Kenji nodded towards the man.

Ranpo nodded eagerly. “But of course!” He laughed extravagantly.

“ I would rate my week as a...” He paused dramatically, striking some sort of pose with his hands. “Nine!”

“ That's impressive! How are you feeling right now?”

Edogawa Ranpo, a delusional narcissist. He had narcissistic personality disorder, as well as schizophrenia and hypersomnia. Ryuunosuke personally didn't enjoy being around Ranpo, because of his arrogant attitude and utter lack of concern for anyone besides Poe. His hypersomnia was also a pain, because if you weren't interesting enough for him to stay awake for, he wouldn't bother and just doze off. Although... his schizophrenia gave Ranpo even worse hallucinations than Ryuunosuke's, so he tried not to be too judgmental.

Ranpo yawned a bit. “I'm feeling okay. Nothing particularly bad happened this week!”

He was lying.

Ranpo had a bad habit of not taking his medication, claiming that he didn't need it. Ryuunosuke understood the feeling of wanting to conquer your problems on your own, but unlike him, without his medication, Ranpo would only suffer more, and he'd get in a lot of trouble. Anyone who'd met Ranpo and known him for a bit would be able to tell he was off his antipsychotic meds, too. He didn't blink as often, sometimes broke out in cold sweats, and tried even harder to lie to the others. It was sad, really.

Kenji definitely noticed Ranpo was trying a bit too hard, but he chose not to pursue it and possibly out Ranpo to the rest of the group.

But Kenji lost none of his composure, nodding. “Ah, I see. Would you mind meeting up with me after the session, Ranpo? I've been having trouble with a puzzle, and I think you'd be able to solve it.”

“ Certainly!” Ranpo maintained his posture, but even he knew he wouldn't be going to solve a puzzle. He'd be taken to see Yosano again.

Kenji grinned. “Who's next? Poe, it's your turn!”

Poe sat up, trembling a bit. He looked very nervous.

Edgar Allan Poe, the newest in the institution. Ryuunosuke had only heard him speak 7 times in the two months since he'd arrived, and that was because he had a condition of selective mutism. He also knew Poe had insomnia and delusional disorder, which Ryuunosuke could relate to. Well, Ryuunosuke didn't have delusional disorder or schizophrenia, he only ever got hallucinations occasionally. But the standout trait about Poe was that he had been diagnosed with vascular dementia. He didn't know all the details, all he'd experienced was walking in on Poe once when he was in the middle of a seizure, and then running to go get Yosano.

Ranpo clapped his hands together. “Come on, it's not that hard! Just tell them how your week was!” He spoke encouragingly, eyes dazzling with excitement for Poe's share.

Strangely, Poe and Ranpo were very good friends. Ryuunosuke guessed they'd met before the institution, seeing as the two were practically opposites. But it was a little sweet, too. Poe's presence in Ranpo's life as a friend had helped immensely with the therapy for his NPD, and Ranpo's energetic and eccentric self had helped Poe open up more to everyone. Watching them made Ryuunosuke wish he could be as close to Atsushi as the two were.

“ Um... I think a... seven out of ten.” He murmured quietly. “The doctor... um... miss...” He shot a pleading glance at Ranpo.

“ Yosano-sensei.” Ranpo offered, still completely captivated in Poe's words.

“ Yes, Yosano-sensei... she prescribed me new sleeping medication... it's been, um, really effective. I feel very energized.”

“ That's very good! I'm glad to see you're feeling so well, and you decided to speak again today! It's some very good progress!” Kenji was grinning broadly. “Thank you for sharing! And next is... Atsushi!”

Ryuunosuke swallowed shakily. He was the only patient in the isolation ward at that time, so no one else sans Kenji would've known about his recent episode. Ryuunosuke wanted so desperately to know how Atsushi was feeling, but he was also scared of what he might hear.

Now that Ryuunosuke had an excuse to look at Atsushi, he saw how nervous Atsushi really looked at that moment. Again, Ryuunosuke felt his heart ache for Atsushi. Ryuunosuke just wanted Atsushi to see himself the way he did.

“ Um...” Atsushi's voice sounded extremely nervous and hesitant.

Before he could stop himself, Ryuunosuke heard words stumble out of his mouth, felt his vocal cords vibrate in his throat as the words formed themselves, while his mind struggled to keep up and process it.

“ Actually, can I go?” The words almost came out as more of an exclamation rather than a question, to everyone rather than just Kenji.

Oh fuck. Ryuunosuke suddenly regretted everything. Everyone's eyes were on him.

Why did he just do that. Why did he have to do that. Now he'd have to lie and say he had some kind of outstanding week. If he was honest about how bad it'd been this week, they'd just think he was fishing for pity or attention. Fuck. Why did he just do that?

One face was unlike the others. More surprised than the others. Atsushi had been caught off-guard more than the others, probably because he'd be so anxious earlier. His face reminded Ryuunosuke of a startled kitten.

Suddenly Ryuunosuke didn't regret it so much.

---

The shadows were alive.

It made him wonder if the monsters had ever really left. No, no, no, no, no they would never leave, they were just invisible whenever he couldn't see them. Funny how that worked. When he thought he was free, it was all fake. A farce, a fake, falsely assured securities.

He was worse off with Rashoumon. With Rashoumon, the monsters were closer, crawling all over him. All over him, consuming him, eating him alive, destroying him, hurting him. It hurt. It hurt to see them also, that person, that person whose name is forever cursed for unworthy thoughts to comprehend. There stood- them, that person, forever staring and silent. They would never speak. It hurt, it hurt to feel and see.

Pain he could tolerate. It was proof you were alive. Except if the pain isn't real.

Ryuunosuke was staring at his surroundings, torn between reality and hallucinations. He wanted to believe the shadows weren't real, that the jacket wasn't alive, that that person was not right there, that he would be okay, that he was a good person, but it was all fake.

Monsters were real. They were very real. And they were everywhere.

He started to scream.

He didn't want to be alone with himself.

---

“ Dazai.” Ryuunosuke knocked on the door to the man's room.

The door opened after a moment, revealing Dazai in his usual attire of the standard uniform for patients, along with the bandages that had become something akin to a trademark for Dazai.

“ Greetings, Ryuunosuke!” Dazai gave him a cheery grin.

He paused before speaking again. “Interesting for you to visit, I thought you were avoiding me?”

Ryuunosuke suddenly couldn't look at him. haha. That's right. Why did you even come? You're so pathetic, thinking he would forgive you.

“ I think you want to come inside, yes?” Dazai sidestepped so that his back was against the door, and his arm was gesturing for Ryuunosuke to enter.

Eyes still glued to the linoleum of the floor, Ryuunosuke quietly stepped into Dazai's room. “um... Pardon the intrusion.”

Dazai laughed a bit, closing the door behind the two of them as soon as Ryuunosuke was inside the room. “No need to be so formal, we're both patients here. You can go ahead and sit on the bed, make yourself comfortable.”

Ryuunosuke did as he said, sitting at the foot of the bed. His hands were trembling again.

He attempted to take control of his anxiety. Stop shaking, you pathetic idiot. You're here for a reason.

“ So why are you here?” Dazai asked, plopping down on the chair across from the bed.

Just use your words. He'll forgive you, right?

Ryuunosuke began to speak, his voice cracking. “I-”

“ Wait, I know why you're here.” Dazai began to chuckle.

A glimmer of hope flickered among the swarmed butterflies in his stomach. He does?

“ You're here to tell me to go kill myself again, aren't you, Akutagawa? ”

His heart nearly stopped. The bad memories he'd tried so hard to cover up resurfaced once again, and this time he couldn't push them away.

“ N-no... y-y-you're wrong...!” Ryuunosuke could barely speak. He raised his head a bit, trying to force himself to look Dazai in the eyes. And when he did, everything made sense.

Dazai didn't call him 'Akutagawa', he referred to Ryuunosuke by his first name, like everyone else. And Ryuunosuke had been so preoccupied with being nervous he hadn't noticed the signs that Dazai wasn't himself, such as the change in his voice. And as soon as Ryuunosuke looked up and saw his left eye, he knew he was dealing with Dazai's other persona. And not the good one.

The eye was this personality's most visible feature. A violently twitching left eye, it convulsed and darted everywhere all at once, almost like madness had befallen one but left the rest of the face alone. It was horrifying to see Dazai like this, with the violently twitching left eye and completely relaxed expression. Ryuunosuke remembered one time it had twitched so badly and his personality switch episode had been so horrible he'd actually had to wear bandages over the upper-left region of his face for a while.

Dread and fear suddenly consumed Ryuunosuke all over. “N-no...” He could've vomited right there, that's how scared he was. Oh no... I shouldn't have come. This was a bad idea.

“ I-I have to go!” Ryuunosuke quickly tried to stand, but as he did, he suddenly felt dizzy as his legs shook underneath the weight of his body.

“ Don't go yet, Akutagawa!” He heard fabric shift as Dazai stood up from the chair.

I need to get out. I need to get out. I need to get out. I need to get out. I need to get out.

“ I still haven't thanked you for coming to apologize!”

Ryuunosuke turned around to listen to what he would say. What if he's really going to forgive me?

Another mistake.

Dazai shoved Ryuunosuke against the wall of his room, and enclosed his hands around his neck. Ryuunosuke's hands flew to his neck, desperately trying to pry Dazai's strangling grip off of his throat.

He's going to kill me!

A weak gasp escaped his lips as he struggled to breathe in.

In the meantime, Dazai was screaming at him. “Ahh, this is so riveting, Akutagawa! You were so caught up with hoping I would actually forgive you for that you didn't see this coming up! You may try to act strong, but in the end,  you're even more pathetic than the other me. I know you told them to go die, but I think you should die instead!”

“ N-No... I...can...s-still...” Ryuunosuke desperately attempted to suck in air, but Dazai's grip knocked it right out of him.

“ Get better? Recover?” Dazai finished his thoughts. “You cling to such false hopes, Akutagawa! You'll never get out of here! While the others recover and leave you behind, you'll never get better! You'll be stuck here forever because there's no hope for you. I think it's better if you die now! It's saving you more pain in your future.”

He's right. I should just die. I'm so pathetic.

Dazai's insane face would be the last thing Ryuunosuke's eyes would see. It served him right, after almost killing Dazai himself.

His vision was beginning to fade. It'd be soon. He would finally join that person.

Would he regret anything?

Yes. He'd regret not being able to be friends with Atsushi.

---

“ Ryuu? Are you awake?” A gentle voice, a gentle arm shaking him slightly.

Ryuunosuke opened his eyes.

He heard the familiar beeping of a life monitor. He had always admired how rhythmic it was, and how fascinating it was that that sound was his own heartbeat, one he could slow if he held his breath or hasten if he panicked. He was also wearing some sort of mask over his face and nose, which he'd been breathing into. The ceiling was one with fluorescent lighting and white plaster-like material.

He was in the hospital again.

The one who'd spoken was none other than Yosano-sensei. She was sitting in a chair next to his bed, staring at him sadly. Her hand was on his shoulder, rubbing the bare skin comfortingly. It was a good tactic for patients who disassociated from reality on occasions, giving them some sort of touch to anchor themselves to. Ryuunosuke remembered-

Ryuunosuke remembered someone he knew would use that method with him often, and it was something that he held close to his heart as a familiar source of comfort.

“ I'm glad you're okay. Do you want to know what happened, or should I tell you later?”

Ryuunosuke realized he'd lost his voice and couldn't give a vocal response, so he nodded slightly instead. He wanted to know why he was still alive.

Yosano leaned back a bit in her chair. “We'll have to thank Chuuya for the fact that you're still alive. He was nearby when he'd heard Dazai yelling, and he burst into his room and saved you. Dazai's in isolation right now, until he can shift personalities back to who we're so familiar with around here.”

Well, it made sense that someone would've heard Dazai's screaming. It served him right, anyhow. He couldn't leave this dark and trembling world. No one would allow him to die yet.

Yosano continued to speak. “As you've probably deduced by now, you probably won't get your voice back for a few days. You've got some bruises and swelling around your neck, so please try not to touch it too much. You're also hooked up to that ventilator over there so you won't have to worry about suffocating or not being able to breathe while you're resting.”

Even considering Ryuunosuke's current inability to talk, the silence between the two was nearly insufferable after those words and what they implied. Yosano realized it, too.

“ Look, Ryuu, I won't pretend I'm a psychologist.” She began softly. “I know what Dazai said to you might have hit a couple of sore spots and insecurities, but I don't think you should listen to that right now. Try sticking around for a little bit longer, hmm?”

Ryuunosuke felt as though he could throw up. It's not as though I'd be able to die, anyways. Death is too good a release for someone like me.

He was so tired.

Yosano's words grew more assertive. “Ryuu, I don't want to have to wake up Kyouka to get her on suicide watch, but I will if I have to. Can you promise me you won't try anything?”

Ryuunosuke nodded wearily. At that moment, all he wanted to do was sleep.

Yosano's gaze softened. “Good. Thank you, Ryuu.” She drew her hand back from his arm. “You should get some rest now. You probably want to sleep, right?”

He nodded.

“ Will you be able to?”

He shook his head no. Even Ryuunosuke knew his insomnia wouldn't cut him any slack now.

Yosano sighed. “Just for today, I'll give you a sedative. But you can't depend on it too much, okay? I won't tolerate addiction.”

Ryuunosuke nodded, but at that moment, he wasn't worried about addiction. All he wanted to do was sleep.

---

Atsushi was at group therapy again.

His hands and fingers twitched anxiously. It happened often, whenever he was panicked or filled with nervous energy. Whenever this happened, he also tended to scrape his nails over the skin of the back of his hand, or press the fingernails into the pinkish skin of his palms, or sometimes bite the skin of his fingers and around his nails. He was often seen with bloody hands whenever his anxiety acted up. Today, Yosano-sensei had given him a pair of black gloves so he couldn't hurt his hands without realizing, as his hands were still healing from his previous episode. She didn't want them to get infected.

The source of his nervous energy probably was the fact that he was only one of three people to show up at therapy that time.

Kenji was there, too, but besides him, it was only Atsushi, Poe, and Ranpo.

Dazai and Ryuunosuke weren't there.

Atsushi could understand it if only one was gone, then he'd pass it off as nothing, as they might not have wanted to come, or maybe they had something going on.

In actuality, for the longest time, Ryuunosuke hadn't attended group therapy. No one told Atsushi why, so he'd assumed it either wasn't important, or it wasn't his business. He hoped it just wasn't important, but somehow he doubted it.

It was strange to feel so nauseous so early in the day… Atsushi wondered if it was because he was actually more worried about this than he let himself realize.

He knew something bad had happened yesterday. Chuuya and Kyouka had been missing the previous afternoon. What either of them did know, they most likely couldn't say regardless, due to patient confidentiality, or even just making sure Atsushi didn't worry too much about it.

But the lack of information had the opposing effect on him. Atsushi was beginning to feel even worse, and his mind started to speculate what could have happened.

Did Dazai attempt suicide? Did Ryuunosuke have some sort of episode?

Did Ryuunosuke try to kill himself?

…

Did he succeed?

Atsushi wanted to cry at the thought. Of course, he didn't want anyone to die. No one he knew there deserved to die.

But... he hadn't even gotten to know Ryuunosuke.

Ryuunosuke, who had stood up and blurted out if he could go instead of Atsushi in the previous group therapy session. At the time, Atsushi hadn't wanted to share, not in the slightest bit. He didn't even want to think about his previous episode in the isolation ward. Ryuunosuke might've seen that and stood up, even though his face clearly said he was moving without thinking.

Ryuunosuke had volunteered for him. It was so kind of him.

Atsushi wanted to get to know him better. He had been too scared to approach him after the last session, which was why Atsushi had secretly hoped he'd be present today. But he wasn’t.

Atsushi raised his hand shakily. “Kenji, um, if I may ask, where are the others? Dazai and Ryuunosuke, I-I mean.”

Kenji shook his head. “I'm sorry, Atsushi, I don't know if I can tell you that. Maybe Yosano-sensei knows where they are?”

Kenji’s word choice was frustratingly vague at best. Atsushi couldn't tell if he genuinely didn't know, or if he just couldn't say. Either way, Atsushi would have to go see Yosano to find out.

“ Anyways, everyone, it looks like we're all for today.” Kenji glanced back at the clock, and turned his attention back to the group. “Today, our first activity will be to share one good thing about your best friend!”

Best friend. Atsushi didn't have any friends.

What about a favorite person?

He'd learned with BPD usually came with having a 'favorite person' of sorts, one who you trusted more than anyone else, who you could tell anything, who you could feel better just knowing they were there for you.

Maybe the reason he hadn't been faring so well the past few weeks was because he didn't have anyone really resembling a 'favorite person'.

Kyouka used to be his 'favorite person'. But he couldn't trust her again. Not anymore.

Ranpo's excited voice interrupted Atsushi's nauseating memories. “My best friend is a very interesting person!”

Ranpo's best friend was Poe. Poe's best friend was Ranpo.

Kenji nodded encouragingly. “I'm glad you're continuing to maintain the positive relationships in your life, Ranpo!” He glanced to Poe. “What about your best friend, Poe?”

Poe cleared his throat, offering a shaky smile. “My best friend i-is human.”

When there was no immediate response besides awkward silence, he began to stammer out an explanation.

“ Um! Uh... not like that... sorry, I-I meant that t-they are human a-as in having h-humane qualities... like they a-are not perfect, but um... sorry, I meant t-that th-they are a g-good person... but th-their imperfections are normal... and human... and um... I-i think I like t-the... the a-authenticity... or g-genuineness...”

Poe clearly wasn't used to speaking so much, as he stumbled and tripped over his words like a cat scrambling to escape falling into a pool of water.

“ Ahh, we understand now, Poe!” Kenji rescued Poe from having to continue speaking. “You next, Atsushi!”

Atsushi froze. “I don't have a best friend.” He said blankly.

Kenji looked surprised. “Really? What about Kyouka-”

Atsushi stood to his feet immediately, the metal chair scraping backwards fiercely with the force of his movement.

“Shut the hell up!!” He shouted.

“Stop looking at me like that! Don't fucking talk to me about Kyouka!”

Atsushi felt completely furious, as though rage and anger coursed through him suddenly. How dare Kenji mention her?!

Kenji's smile faded as he grew serious at that moment.

“ Atsushi, I think you need to calm down.” He spoke firmly. “Your anger is controlling you again.”

My anger? Atsushi froze again.

Oh.

Atsushi felt the previous adrenaline ebbing away as he grew more aware of himself. His fists stopped trembling so much. Sweat was trickling down his forehead.

Among his BPD, PTSD, and his anxiety and depression, Atsushi also had IED. Intermittent Explosive Disorder, a rage disorder that caused random outbursts of rage with or without provocation.

Atsushi clamped his hand over his mouth as soon as he was self-aware enough to realize what he'd just done. Poe and Ranpo were both looking at him in surprise, while Kenji's stare remained as firm as ever from when he was still in the middle of his outburst.

“ I-I am so sorry...” Atsushi couldn't bear to look at any of them, and instead fixated on the colorful rug of the group therapy room, it’s bright contrast to the plain, grey linoleum as striking as white against black. Tears began to well in his eyes. “Please forgive my outburst, Kenji.”

“ It's okay, Atsushi.” Kenji's voice was very calming, but Atsushi was too caught up in self-depreciation to feel calmed by it.

“ Have you been taking your medication lately?”

Hearing those words nearly tore him apart.

Atsushi wanted to cry right there. So it was true? He really was less than nothing without those meds. He'd never be okay unless his stomach was filled to the throat with pills.

“ No...” Atsushi shook his head, still refusing eye contact with Kenji and the others.

The rug was small, but very colorful. A bright blue background, a few clouds and a sun patterned into it, with bright, wide letters in all sorts of bright colors reading 'RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE!'.

“ I think you should go to see Yosano-sensei, Atsushi. Do you need me to walk you there?”

Atsushi didn't trust himself to speak without his voice cracking and dissipating into sobs. He already felt tears dripping down his face.

Instead, he shook his head no. He could probably get to Yosano's office on his own, and he didn't want to disappoint Kenji anymore.

“ Um... excuse me...” Atsushi turned around and walked away.

As soon as he left the room, tears flowed freely.

In the back of his mind, he couldn't help but want to burn that stupid rug. It was just another lie fed to him by the institution, just like her.

---

The sound of a door opening startled Ryuunosuke out of a dreamless sleep.

It was Yosano-sensei. She had just walked into his recovery room, looking a bit excited.

I wonder why she's here...

Yosano stopped beside his bed, smiling a bit. “Ryuu, you've got a visitor.”

Wait, what? Ryuunosuke blinked, dumbfounded.

For a moment, his mind snapped to a vision of how those words in another setting would look like. Like he was in a regular hospital, with a smiling nurse telling him he had a visitor. It would've been a simple injury, maybe he broke a bone, dislocated a joint, or even asthma or some internal impairment. Nothing too serious, but enough to be put in the hospital for a few days. Enough for a friend to want to visit you.

What am I even thinking?! Ryuunosuke would have smacked himself if he could move. This wasn't the time to let his mind wander.

Focusing back on Yosano, he tilted his head in a questioning manner. He hoped Yosano understood he was trying to ask who it was.

Yosano chuckled a bit. “Why are they here? Who are they? I don't know what you're trying to ask me, Ryuu.” She shook her head a bit, shrugging passively.

Ryuunosuke wanted to groan. Why couldn't his voice just come back already?

“ Anyways, should I let them in?” Yosano asked, lowering her arms. “I can tell them you're not taking any visitors, but I think you'd regret it later once you find out who wanted to visit.”

I... would regret it?

Ryuunosuke already had too many regrets. It'd be draining to create more regrets for himself at this point. And besides, it wasn't as though Ryuunosuke could be doing anything else besides sit around and let his mind wander. And if he did that, he'd probably only end up feeling worse.

He nodded to Yosano.

Yosano looked proud of him. That look on her face stirred something akin to happiness inside him. “Thank you, Ryuu. I'll go let them know you're taking visitors.” She turned around and left his room.

Again, Ryuunosuke wondered who could have possibly wanted to visit him. It probably wasn't any of the hospital staff, as they could have probably just let themselves in. Not to mention the fact that Ryuunosuke wasn't particularly close enough to any of them for them to want to visit him.

Oh god, what if it was Dazai who came?

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, Ryuunosuke swore he heard the heart monitor skip a heartbeat.

Ryuunosuke didn't know if he could handle seeing Dazai again. And so soon? Would it even be possible for him to switch back to himself and calm down in so little of time?

Of course, Ryuunosuke didn't know how long he'd been asleep, but it couldn't have been more than a day and a half, right? Maybe even less. There's no way the institution would let him out so soon after trying to choke another patient to death. Would they?

Ryuunosuke's panicking was clearly affecting his body. All of the thoughts sped through his mind as though it was the Indianapolis 500 of anxiety. His palms were cold, clammy, sweaty, and pale, and he could heard the heart monitor speeding up a bit, in sync with his pounding heart.

Great. In the 30 seconds since Yosano had left his room, he'd managed to trigger a near-panic attack. What, is this a new record??

The door to his room opened, interrupting his panic. Ryuunosuke was almost afraid to look at who it was, but his head turned to glance regardless.

His eyes widened in surprise. Atsushi?!

It must have been a hallucination. There's no way he could get a visit from Atsushi.

Atsushi's eyes widened. “R-Ryuunosuke?! What happened to you?”

What happened to me? At first, Ryuunosuke was confused as to why Atsushi was so surprised, but then he remembered he was strapped in a hospital bed, attached to a ventilator and heart monitor, a breathing mask over his face, and not to mention the dark, sunken bruises around his neck. It probably was pretty shocking, considering how different Ryuunosuke had looked when they had seen each other at group therapy a few days ago.

Unfortunately, Ryuunosuke was once again reminded his voice hadn't come back yet. Crap... he probably thinks I tried to hang myself or something.

Tears were welling in Atsushi's eyes. Ryuunosuke felt horrible, seeing how absolutely heartbroken his visitor looked at that moment.

Atsushi nearly dashed forward to Ryuunosuke's bedside.

“ Did you do this to yourself??” Atsushi demanded, but it almost sounded like he was begging for a reply. Does he really care about me so much?

Ryuunosuke shook his head rapidly. No, I didn't. Please let him believe me.

The trembling stiffness in Atsushi's shoulders practically melted away with his relieved sigh. “Thank goodness... Wait, then what did happen to you?” He perked back up with the question. “Promise you're not lying to me!”

Ryuunosuke quickly crossed his heart and nodded.

It was almost strange how energetic and frantic he felt with Atsushi there, almost as though Atsushi was ordering him around and Ryuunosuke was eager to please. It was a bit humorous, in a way.

He then lightly tapped his throat, trying to signal that he couldn't speak.

“ Oh... you can't talk?” Atsushi wondered aloud. Ryuunosuke nodded to confirm.

“ Oh, okay...” Atsushi nodded. “Um, you don't mind if I'm here, right?”

Ryuunosuke shook his head. On the contrary, he wished he could tell Atsushi how much it meant to him that he actually came to visit.

Atsushi gave him a shaky smile. “I was really worried because neither you or Dazai-san came to group therapy... and then I sort of got sent to Yosano-sensei's, and I wanted to see if she knew where you were.”

Where I was? So he was actively seeking me out? There was no way this could be real. He'd wake up soon, and realize it was all a hallucination, right?

Instead of that, Ryuunosuke raised his hands to gesture to the room, then to Atsushi himself, then both hands in a questioning gesture.

“ Why... did I get sent here?” Atsushi guessed, to which Ryuunosuke prompted him with a nod.

“ Oh, I got that right?” Atsushi laughed nervously. “Um... I sort of 'exploded' at the others in group therapy... and Kenji figured out I...” His voice trailed off, and he tried to speak again. “...haven't been taking my medication...”

Exploded. That must've meant some sort of IED attack. But not taking his medication was definitely bad, especially considering all of Atsushi's mental impairments.

Ryuunosuke looked at Atsushi with pleading eyes, hoping with all of his heart that Atsushi would understand how important it was to take them.

Atsushi nodded silently.

“I know I have to... It just hurts.”

Ryuunosuke understood so well.

“ I just feel like nothing will change if I can't move forward.” Atsushi was really nearing tears at this point. “I can't move forward on my own... I have to resort to a bunch of drugs to keep me sane.”

Before Ryuunosuke could give any kind of response, Atsushi quickly turned his head and started laughing nervously.

“Heheh, um, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to say all of that out loud.” His voice was cracking as he spoke. “I'm sorry, I should just go… I really hope you feel better.”

No! Ryuunosuke’s thoughts surprised him. Don't go..!

Even if this is a dream… or a figure of my hallucinations… I don't want him to go. Not like that!

And yet again, Ryuunosuke acted without thinking. As Atsushi began to walk away, his hand reached and gripped Atsushi’s tightly, pulling him back to Ryuunosuke’s bedside desperately.

“Wha-” Atsushi's head turned back, and Ryuunosuke saw a split second of Atsushi's true face. He didn't want to leave, either.     

Atsushi’s hand felt cold and sweaty. He felt real.

“R-Ryuunosuke… What are you doing?” Atsushi looked confused, nervous, and almost scared.

Shit. I forgot he doesn't like physical contact. Ryuunosuke quickly drew his hand back, letting go of Atsushi.

Ryuunosuke attempted to mouth the words of an apology to Atsushi. Atsushi looked as though he understood, but he didn't focus on that.

“Um, I-it's okay… Just p-please let me know next time.” Atsushi stammered. “But wait, you… don't want me to go…?”

Ryuunosuke shook his head no. Please stay.

“O-Okay. I’ll stay here longer.”

---

Atsushi crept out of the infirmary quietly. Visiting hours were going to end soon, and he didn't want to risk Yosano-sensei waking up Ryuunosuke if she came to tell Atsushi to head back to his cell.

Others might’ve found it rude if someone had fallen asleep in the middle of a visit to them, but Atsushi didn't mind. If anything, he felt happy that Ryuunosuke felt relaxed enough around him to fall asleep. Especially considering Ryuunosuke’s insomnia, he needed all the sleep he could get.

Atsushi shut the door to Ryuunosuke’s room as quietly as he could. Fortunately, he was skilled at sneaking around. As he turned around to head back to his room, he saw Yosano waiting for him.

“Y-Yosano-sensei!” Atsushi stammered. “I was just leaving. Um, Ryuunosuke is asleep, and I didn't want to risk you accidentally waking him up to come and get me…”

Yosano raised an eyebrow, surprised. “He's sleeping?”

“Um, yes, that’s what I said?”

Yosano blinked in mild surprise, before letting out a quiet chuckle. “Heh, I see. Thank you for letting me know. I think I'll wait on his checkup till the morning, in that case.”

Her words reminded Atsushi of one of the questions pressing in his mind. “Um, well, I meant to ask you, but what happened to him? He couldn't speak at all… and all those bruises looked so painful.”

Atsushi desperately hoped she wouldn't lie to him. He wanted to know what had happened that could've hurt Ryuunosuke so badly.

Yosano was silent for a moment, but let out a long sigh. “It’s a long story, if you’re willing to listen to it.”

Atsushi nodded nervously. Her fatigued tone concerned him about how complicated this issue could be, but he wanted to know despite that. He was worried about what Ryuunosuke could’ve been burdened with that would lead to this.

Yosano gestured to a seat near her desk, as she sat down in her own chair. Atsushi sat down as well, setting his hands down in his lap. He noticed they were twitching slightly again, so he clamped his fist over the other, and tried to focus back on Yosano.

“You are aware that Dazai has MPD, right?” Yosano asked, to which Atsushi nodded. “Well, back before he was institutionalized, he knew Ryuu personally, and had met Chuuya. Well, one of his personalities is a murderer of sorts...”

“What?!” Atsushi didn’t know that. Did that mean Dazai had killed others before?

“Let me finish before you assume, Atsushi. I didn’t say he killed people, his other personality never actually ended up murdering anyone. It would have, if Chuuya hadn’t interfered, but that is neither here nor there. But the personality was extremely violent, and often attempted to murder, from what I’ve heard. Usually the victim got away, and the personality, being as violent as he was, would stab himself instead to satiate their desires.”

Atsushi almost couldn’t breathe. What… Dazai really did that...?

Yosano continued speaking, either not noticing his shock or choosing to ignore it. “It was usually around this time where Dazai would switch personalities back to his normal self and call for help. Because of his split personality causing memory issues along with his Alzheimer’s, he had no idea he was actually the attacker, and merely thought it was that the murderer was targeting him for some reason.”

“He… didn’t know he was the attacker?” Atsushi murmured, feeling a swell of horror and pity for Dazai.

“No, he didn’t.” Yosano shook her head firmly. “According to Chuuya, this went on for a few months.”

Months?! Atsushi nearly gasped. How many times did he stab himself?

Oh… maybe that’s why he wears those bandages…

Atsushi felt sick to his stomach at the thought.

She paused for a moment. “Eventually, Chuuya was able to make Dazai realize his other personality was the attacker, and Dazai allowed himself to be institutionalized here, where Chuuya could help him recover.”

Allowed himself, huh… a pit of nausea opened inside of his stomach as Atsushi was once again reminded of his distaste for the institution and its members. But that was besides the point.

“That's…” Atsushi didn't even know how to describe it. Horrible? Awful? Was there even an appropriate word for it?

“But what does it have to do with Ryuunosuke?” Atsushi asked nervously.

Yosano folded her hands in her lap, shifting a bit. “I mentioned that Ryuu knew Dazai before the two of them were institutionalized, right?” Atsushi nodded. “Well, Dazai came here before Ryuu did, and apparently Ryuu was close enough to Dazai to be really affected by Dazai leaving and coming here. When the courts ruled that Ryuunosuke needed to be put in an institution a few months later, he happened to be put in this one, where he met Dazai again, and saw how he'd changed.” Yosano paused, as if contemplating whether or not she should say more.

“Yosano-sensei?” Atsushi pressed.

“Atsushi, you need to understand something before I continue. All of this happened months ago, and Ryuu was a very different person back then, as was Dazai. Ryuu was in a very dark and hopeless place after what had happened to him that put him in the institution. You can't hold him for what he's done so long ago, especially since he's changed so much since then.”

Atsushi nodded. “I won't. I just want to help him.” Ryuunosuke must've had a reason for doing what he did back then. Besides, he was different now, right?

“Ryuu met Dazai again, and he was devastated by how bad Dazai had gotten. You see, it was around this time Dazai was really trying to kill himself, to the point where he could never be left alone and they sometimes even had to strip him to make sure he couldn't tie a makeshift noose to hang himself with. Ryuu back then was very delusional, and to see someone he looked up to so much become like that, his mind wouldn't acknowledge it. So… one day, he told Dazai that Dazai had become so pathetic in his eyes he didn't deserve to live anymore, and should just go ahead and kill himself.”

Atsushi audibly gasped. Horror and dread crept up inside of his stomach and shivers slithered down his spine.

“Now, Ryuu regrets it more than anything. I think recently, he’d gone to go apologize to Dazai for telling him that.”

But then… how did Ryuunosuke end up with all those injuries? Unless…

Yosano interrupted his thoughts. “But Dazai unknowingly swapped personalities in the middle of Ryuu’s visit. He started screaming at Ryuu, and tried to strangle him with his bare hands. Chuuya’s excellent hearing is the only reason Ryuu is still alive, and Dazai still only has his own blood on his hands.”

“That is…”

Yet again, Atsushi didn't know what to say.

“You don't have to say anything, Atsushi.” Yosano reassured. “I understand. But I didn't tell you all this for no reason, either. Despite how beautiful and elegant my voice is, I don't talk just because I like the sound of it.”

Atsushi let out a breathy laugh, accompanied with Yosano’s slight chuckle.

“I told you this because I think you can help him, Atsushi.”

“Me? Help him?”

“I know you haven't been faring very well here ever since… well, I won't bring it up. But I think Ryuu wants to be your friend, too.”

“He does?” Atsushi gasped. “Wait, why would you think that? Why would he want to be friends with me?”

“Ryuu may be a little cold, but he’s not made of stone. He has plenty of insecurities and humane qualities. He doesn't have many friends here, either, but you are someone he cares a lot about. I can't tell you how many times he's asked me about you, worried about whether you were okay or taking your medication or even just getting proper nutrition. I think the only reason he hasn't already approached you and asked you to be his friend was because he was too nervous to.”

It was too good to be true.

Ryuunosuke had actively asked about him? Worried about him?

There was just no way this could be true.

But then, a memory overtook his thoughts and flashed before him.

Atsushi's throat hurt from screaming so much. The world was moving, spinning around him, racing in directions he couldn't see while he was pinned down by the stretcher.

One figure did not spin along with the world around him, but stayed in the background. Atsushi strained his eyes desperately, and saw the blurred glimpse of a pale face staring at him with exhausted, tired eyes.

But in that moment, the figured looked back at him, and he looked as though he could cry.

That's right… Atsushi had forgotten all about this memory. It happened during his last starvation attempt.

Who was that person, though?

Atsushi tried to remember any sort of features. Pale. Dark, sunken eyes. Dark, almost jet-like black hair. A face that didn't show visible sadness often.

Akutagawa Ryuunosuke.

How could I have forgotten this?

“Yosano-sensei, thank you for telling me this.” Atsushi looked her in the eyes before bowing his head to her. “I want to be friends with him as well… And I think I'm going to try hard to understand Ryuunosuke and ask him to be friends with me.”

Yosano almost looked proud of him. “I'm glad, Atsushi. You can go back to your room now.”

“Thank you.” Atsushi stood up from his chair and bowed again, before sitting up and walking towards the door.

As soon as the door was shut, Atsushi let the hot tears burst from his eyes and stream lightly down his cheeks.

And for the first time in so long, they were happy tears.

---

Ryuunosuke wandered the hallways of the institution, away from the infirmary and towards the canteen to finally eat some food. Previously, his throat had been too damaged to risk trying to swallow down material/solid food, so he’d instead been given nutrients through a tube.

“Your throat is mostly recovered by now,” Yosano had told him before he left. “But you should still be careful of eating too much at once, and chewing properly so you don't choke or vomit it back up. Just keep in mind that your voice still won’t be completely back, and you’ll need to be careful with that cough of yours.”

At the time, he’d nodded to acknowledge he understood. Really, it was the worst possible time to get a cold virus with an already damaged throat, but Lady Luck clearly wasn’t pulling her punches when it came to him. Yosano had worried that if the virus came and affected his throat enough, he could end up with a permanent rasp and cough. Hopefully that wouldn't happen, but Ryuunosuke wasn't bothering to keep his hopes up. He was reminded of something he’d once heard from-

Something he’d once heard from someone about Murphey’s Law, that everything that could go wrong inevitably would end up going wrong. If he could catch a coughing virus while his throat was hurt, who’s to say he wouldn't end up with a cough or rasp for the rest of his life?

But now wasn't the time to ponder such things, so Ryuunosuke put it out of his mind as he entered the canteen.

The large space was accompanied by a moderate amount of people sitting at the long, rectangular tables lined up in rows lined up near the walls of the cafeteria. He recognized Ranpo and Poe sitting together, but most of the others were from other wards in the hospital.

“Ryuunosuke!” A familiar voice came from the left, where Atsushi had just walked up to him and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. “W-Would you want to eat together with me?”

Ryuunosuke blinked, surprised at Atsushi’s forwardness. It wasn't bad, on the contrary, it warmed his heart that Atsushi cared enough about him to approach him like this.

“Sure. Where?” Ryuunosuke rasped out his reply, nodding. His voice was definitely not all back.

“Over here!” Atsushi perked up, pointing to a nearby table with two plates of food placed on opposite sides of the table facing each other.

He already got food for me?

Ryuunosuke pondered this as he sat down across from Atsushi, considering whether or not he should ask.

“Um… Did you get t-this… for me?” Ryuunosuke asked hesitantly, pointing down at the food.

“Yes.” Atsushi nodded. “Um, I hope that’s okay with you! I-I did go to Yosano-sensei and ask her what you liked, or what would be good for you to eat with your throat still healing, and, um, I mean, she recommended some things.... And-”

“I-It’s okay!” Ryuunosuke stammered, wanting to reassure Atsushi. “I’m not mad. Thank you..”

Atsushi nodded again, smiling shakily. “Your voice sounds a bit better. I’m glad you’re feeling better!”

“I’m just-” Ryuunosuke began to speak, but then his dry throat and lungs convulsed into a fit of coughing. Atsushi quickly handed him a paper cup with cold water, to which Ryuunosuke gulped down as soon as his coughing stopped.

He cleared his throat. “...glad I can still speak.”

Atsushi nodded gravely, before perking up again. “Y-yeah, me t-too. Do you think some food w-would help?”

Truthfully, Ryuunosuke had no clue if eating would actually help his coughing fits, but he also didn’t really care. He just wanted to eat and satisfy his hunger.

Atsushi and Ryuunosuke placed their hands together, each murmuring a thanks for the meal, before finally indulging in the food Atsushi had gotten for the two of them.

Upon closer inspection and comparison, Ryuunosuke saw Atsushi and himself had similar dishes, other than the fact that their primary courses were different. Atsushi had what looked to be breaded cod, peas and broccoli, and rice pudding, while Ryuunosuke’s own tray had some sort of soup or broth, and the same peas, broccoli, and pudding. The food definitely wasn’t outstanding, but, of course, you wouldn’t go to a mental institution for the cuisine, would you?

It seemed as though his main course turned out to be chicken broth, to Ryuunosuke’s disappointment. But he guessed it was probably under Yosano’s suggestion. It wasn’t a bad idea, with his throat still healing and not having solid food after a few days, as to make sure he didn’t risk choking or overwhelming his stomach, respectively.

Still, while the broth was watery and only slightly tasting of chicken, it was warm, and soothed his throat nicely. He remembered when he used to live with-

He remembered when he used to live with someone and they loved to make a special, homemade type of soup with chicken and other ingredients. He never did learn just what made that soup so delicious…

“Ryuunosuke-kun? Are you okay?” Atsushi’s concerned voice interrupted Ryuunosuke’s loud thoughts. “You suddenly got really pale… Is it the food?”

He shook his head quickly. “No… I-It’s n-nothing.” His voice was cracking.

It was not nothing. Why was he lying? Didn’t he promise not to lie to Atsushi?

“Um… Sorry.” Ryuunosuke tried to speak again, to amend his reply. “It’s n-not nothing, just co...complicated.” He wheezing out those last words. He really shouldn’t have been talking so much.

“I-I understand, y-you should rest your voice now!” Atsushi fretted. “You are okay now, right?”

Ryuunosuke nodded, still sweating from the paranoia of his frantic thought processes.  

“T-then, you can tell me later… Um, but only if you want to! I understand if it's serious, or if you're not ready to tell me yet…” Atsushi spoke quickly, but he seemed as though he understood. “T-though, um… t-thank you… for not hiding it…”

Ryuunosuke nodded. Seeing the visible gratitude on Atsushi’s face was worth so much more than the silent pain of always lying and hiding things.

Focusing back to his half-eaten tray of food, Ryuunosuke resumed eating, now focusing on finishing his rice pudding. He’d already sipped the chicken broth and forced the soggy vegetables down his throat, and now all that was left was the rice pudding.

Stealing a quick glance to Atsushi’s tray, he saw that Atsushi had made similar progress in his meal, perhaps being even faster in eating than Ryuunosuke was. It was strange, considering that Ryuunosuke should have been hungrier than Atsushi, given that he’d just gotten out of the infirmary, and Atsushi should have had access to full meals in the days Ryuunosuke had been gone.

Suddenly, Atsushi stood. Ryuunosuke’s gaze followed him, and saw him smile that same shaky, reassuring smile. “I’ll be r-right back, Ryuunosuke-kun. I just have to use the bathroom.” He began walking away, but Ryuunosuke still kept his eyes on him.

Something seemed off with Atsushi… But was it really Ryuunosuke’s place to pry? There was no telling whether Atsushi would get mad at him for doing so.

But still…

Atsushi had done so much for him in the past days, going to visit, going out of his way to ask Yosano-sensei what kinds of foods would be good for his throat, and more. If Atsushi could be so kind, it wouldn’t be fair not to reciprocate the concern and caring he’d given to Ryuunosuke.

He stood up from his seat in the canteen, stumbling off in the direction Atsushi had gone to find the restroom. Then, just outside of the doors leading into the eating hall, to the left in a wide hallway, there were a line of one-person-only unisex bathrooms. Ryuunosuke stepped towards the nearest one, and listened intently to determine if there was anyone inside.

As it turned out, he didn’t have to listen closely. Someone was vomiting violently inside the bathroom, only pausing to gasp for air.

Ryuunosuke could tell, it was Atsushi. He didn’t sound okay.

He wanted to break the door down and ask Atsushi what the matter was, but his lingering doubts crept up his spine again, reminding him it wasn’t his place, it’d be inappropriate, and Atsushi probably wouldn’t want him to. But Ryuunosuke shoved the thoughts out of his mind and opened the door.

Atsushi lay half on the ground, clutching the toilet bowl desperately as he vomited. Ryuunosuke quickly moved forward until he was just next to Atsushi, kneeling down beside him and holding the strands of stray hairs back to his head as they drifted towards the vomit spewing from Atsushi’s mouth. Admittedly, Ryuunosuke had always secretly wondered what Atsushi’s hair felt like. At that moment, it felt sweaty and slimy, but he didn't care in the slightest. He was to focused on Atsushi himself.

As soon as Atsushi had stopped his current fit of vomiting, he looked at Ryuunosuke as though he could cry.

“R-Ryuunosuke…” As he spoke shakily, tears really did began to well in his eyes. “I-I… I’m so sorry…!” He covered his eyes to hide the spew of tears overflowing and streaming down his face, lowering his body in some semblance of a bow to hide his face.

“I tried so h-hard…” He spoke between his sobs, sniffling and crying out. “I w-wanted today to be p-perfect for y-you… Y-you w-were finally able to get out of the in-infirmary… I t-tried to m-m-make today h-happy for you…” He began to sob even harder, his hands shifting and starting to pull and strain on his hair. “I’m s-so sorry… today’s b-been a really bad day for m-me… but I s-still wanted to try…”

“I r-ruin everything… I t-tried to eat like s-someone… n-normal, but my s-stomach…”

Ryuunosuke knew he couldn’t talk even if he wanted to. All he could do was try to comfort Atsushi with his actions.

Lifting his hands shakily, he hesitantly placed them over Atsushi’s, praying frantically to himself Atsushi wouldn’t mind the physical contact.

With his cooler hands over Atsushi’s shaking, panicked hands, he gripped them softly, lifting them away from his hair and rubbing them softly with his thumbs and leading them into Ryuunosuke’s lap. With one hand still brushing over both of Atsushi’s, he used his other to lift Atsushi’s chin lightly so the two could come face to face.

Atsushi was still crying, but the rest of him was stiff and frozen. His eyes were fixed in contact with Ryuunosuke’s.

Ryuunosuke tested his voice again. It scraped itself out of his throat painfully, raspy and hoarse.

"It's okay."

---

Ryuunosuke lay on his bed, half-conscious. He'd gone to his room after Atsushi insisted he'd stay with Yosano and told him he could go if he wanted to get some rest. While Ryuunosuke couldn't deny he was exhausted, he didn't get his hopes up for getting any sleep. His insomnia was frustratingly prevalent in every aspect of his life, and his new prescription hadn't come in just yet.

His room felt strange to be in after so much had happened in the past- how long had it been since that day in isolation? Ryuunosuke felt unsettled just thinking about how warped his perception of time had become.

But it'd felt like an eternity since he'd lay like this, his clothes scrunched up and wrinkled against the stiff mattress, staring blankly at the same, bland, white ceiling as always, smelling the familiar scent of linoleum and citrus scented cleaning product.

It was maddeningly uniform, always constant, never changing, as if it was taunting him by reminding him of so many other nights where he'd lay this this way, but not as himself. There was no escape from that aura of disgusting nostalgia, that would seep into him and remind him of the past, and the standout moments of that past. It seemed all those standout moments were regrets in Ryuunosuke's current eyes. The eyes no longer clouded by the delusions and immature arrogance of his past self.

A knock on his door startled Ryuunosuke out of his disdainful reminiscence. He stood up quickly and walked over to his door, opening it to see who it could have been.

"Dazai!?" Ryuunosuke involuntarily backed away, horrified.

Oh god, what is he doing here? Is he-

"Relax, Ryuunosuke!" Dazai announced, interrupting his rapid thoughts as he held up his hands in a surrendering pose. "I'm not here to do anything but talk!"

"...talk?" Ryuunosuke rasped out the word in a questioning manner, his throat still burning furiously from speaking again.

"Could I come in?" Dazai asked, his hands still in the air. He would have looked ridiculous, if not for the fact that, at that moment, Ryuunosuke was scared out of his mind.

"I-"

Ryuunosuke began to speak, but his throat convulsed into a vehement fit of coughing, cutting off what he was about to say.

Dazai patted Ryuunosuke’s  back lightly as he struggled to control his coughing.

"I... suppose that'd be my fault, hmm?" Dazai sighed as soon as Ryuunosuke stopped coughing.

"You probably shouldn't speak any more, and I'm not asking you to." Dazai lifted his hands again in his previous surrender-like ridiculous gesture. "I just need you to listen to me."

Ryuunosuke was extremely hesitant, to say the least. Irrational fears crept up his spine, keeping him frozen in place.

But still, Ryuunosuke couldn't turn him away.

He stepped aside slowly and gestured for Dazai to come inside, leaving the door slightly cracked open. Just in case.

Dazai walked in and sat down on Ryuunosuke’s bed. Seeing as there were no other options for somewhere to sit, he opted for standing across from where Dazai sat.

From where he stood, Ryuunosuke felt as though the world before him was transparent. He could see the fatigued lines and sleep-deprived eyes circled by darkness, the weary way his back was arched in his posture, everything that was Dazai, but not him at the same time. It felt so strange to be standing, looking slightly down upon Dazai, and still scarcely recognize him. Ryuunosuke never really had allowed himself to look at Dazai until recently, but had he always worn his enervations like a heart on the sleeve?

Even if Ryuunosuke could speak, he couldn't find any words for the somber state of man who sat before him, his head lowered in shame.

“Ryuunosuke, I have an apology to make.” Dazai began to speak, lowering his head further in a bow.

“From the sincerest reaches of what remains of my soul, please accept my apologies for hurting you, not only by damaging your throat, but by allowing the other myself to scream such odious, painful remarks. But still not only that, but also for acting so violently when you came to me in hopes of extending an olive branch of forgiveness and apology to myself.”

Ryuunosuke felt frozen and suffocating in silent panic. Something felt so very wrong about this. He needed to apologize for what he’d done, not Dazai.

“For whatever these truths may be worth to you, I hold nothing of harm you may have said to me back then in any resentment against you, Ryuunosuke. I understand it was a shock to see how I had changed… Just as it must be now.”

This couldn’t be, it was so foreign, so strange, so unusual. For Dazai to be actually apologizing to someone like him…

Ryuunosuke’s thoughts were riddled with disbelief, shock, and denial, one of which screamed out that what was happening was simply a hallucination. But it was real. Ryuunosuke’s trembling was real, the sweat trickling down his temples was real, and his shaking breaths and pounding heart were real, too.

Despite it being real, it all felt so wrong.

“Well!” Dazai raised his head quickly, standing up with a grin. “I don't expect nor will I accept any of your forgiveness, Ryuunosuke. I merely wished for you to indulge my company long enough for my apologies, and I have given them."

"However, if you'll consider what advice I may offer, I would suggest you stop denying yourself the memories or name of that whom you've forced yourself to forget. She deserves to be remembered, and you deserve to remember her.” He began to scuffle backwards towards the door, refusing to turn his back to Ryuunosuke, who still stood as frozen and shocked as before.

As his hand curled around the knob to Ryuunosuke’s room, he gave one last deep bow. “Thank you for listening, Ryuunosuke. Truly, you are too kind of a person to be stuck in these plain walls forever... You deserve to get out of here. I apologize once again, wishing you the most favorable of recoveries.” He paused, almost as if he was hesitant to continue. “Goodbye, Ryuu.”

Dazai stepped out, closing the door in front of him.

Ryuunosuke couldn't think.

He couldn't move.

He stood there, in frozen horror, for so long, even his own usually hilariously inaccurate perception of time knew it'd been longer than an hour since Dazai had left.

Ryuunosuke collapsed on his knees.

That cell door Dazai had shut was more than a mere door, it was an unbreakable glass wall that tortured him so. He couldn't move, because he was just as trapped as he was shocked. Dazai was further away from him than in the literal sense, as he walked away with the intention of leaving this world. No words could stop him now, and all Ryuunosuke could do was watch.

There was painful, undeniable finality in that visit. Whatever rationality remained in Ryuunosuke recognized it as a familiar tactic of paying your dues where dues were owed, apologizing and giving your last words to your loved ones, when the words you needed to say couldn’t be expressed in a mere note, all so you could leave this world without lingering connections or regrets.

Tears began slowly budding in his eyes, before welling up and overflowing, spilling like floods and streaming down his cheeks. Ryuunosuke’s hands flew up to wipe the stinging tears from his eyes. Small, hushed sobs escaped his lips, but they soon came in bursts.

Sobbing uncontrollably, crying unendingly, with the hands covering his eyes slowly creeping up to tear at his hair, Ryuunosuke was slowly being torn apart.

Don’t tell me I’m kind…

Don’t tell me… to recover…

Don’t… tell me… to get out…

Don’t… tell me to live…!

Ryuunosuke wailed in grief, shrieked in pain, tore tempestuously at his hair, begged him not to leave.

You… you should hate me…

Why don’t you just hate me…??

I told you to kill yourself!? Why am I worthy to live… but not you??

No matter how much a fish tried, it would never be able to fly.

The same was true for Ryuunosuke.

Even if he had the words and could speak them, there was no stopping or saving a man who’d already tied the loop on his noose.

---

Atsushi sprinted down the long, long, long hallway. As he ran the fastest he'd ever run in his life, the walls of the narrow hall spiraled around his field of vision. He was running so fast, it absolutely wasn't healthy for someone like him, who scarcely exercised.

But no matter how much his legs stung furiously, how much the sharp intakes of air hurt his throat as his lungs nearly cried for oxygen, how much perspiration budded and dripped from his forehead, he had to run. He had to find Ryuunosuke.

There it is... Atsushi gasped, craving air to slow his pounding heart, finally being able to halt his desperate sprint to find Ryuunosuke's room.

Taking a few wobbling steps forward, Atsushi hesitated just outside the door of his friend's room.

That's right... wasn't it? Ryuunosuke was his friend... so he'd want Atsushi to come? He'd want Atsushi to be there for him, like he'd been there for him? This was okay, wasn't it...?

No . Atsushi realized it then.

It'll never be okay if you think that way...

I can't try to think for him like this. He doesn't want me to come, he doesn't want me to help him.

Ryuunosuke needs me to be there for him... It's not a question of want, or if it's okay. I just have to help him.

With his gasps for breath lessening to smaller pants for air, Atsushi raised a trembling fist to knock on Ryuunosuke's door.

it's not selfish to think this way. he's helped me so much. it's not selfish.

"Ryuunosuke...?"

No answer came from the door.

He had to be here, right? There's nowhere else he could be. Is the door even locked?

Atsushi pushed on the door lightly, turning the knob to find it was left unlocked. As he opened it, the fluorescent lights of the halls of the institution streamed through the opening the door left behind. The room was exposed by the harsh light flooding through, and Atsushi almost wasn't prepared for what he saw at that moment.

Random dents and scrapes marked the wall opposite of the door, and as more light entered the room, Atsushi swore he could see flecks of blood in some of the dents. They looked as though they'd been created through punching and scraping against the wall with bare hands.

Then Atsushi saw him. Curled up, sitting on the floor, knees bent and hiding his face, completely still, oblivious to Atsushi's entrance.

“Ryuunosuke-!”

Atsushi dashed forward, placing his hands on Ryuunosuke’s shoulders. He jumped as soon as the physical contact was initiated, letting his head shoot up wildly.

His eyes had circles so dark and deep, looking at them, Atsushi almost felt tempted to believe Ryuunosuke hadn't slept a night in his life. They also had a strange, clouded yet trembling gaze to them, which he guessed was because Ryuunosuke was either having hallucinations or stuck in disassociation.

What do I do if he is?? Is it different for either hallucinating or disassociating? Should I go get Yosano-sensei or Chuuya? Wouldn't they just lock him in isolation, though…? Is that really what he needs right now, after what's happened??

Atsushi blinked rapidly, feeling more and more panic and hopelessness pile onto his shoulders.

How can I help you??

It's okay . Atsushi remembered his words.

A comforting touch, two comforting words. Back in that bathroom, sweaty and disgusted with himself, Atsushi remembered feeling so very lonely only once in his life before. But Ryuunosuke had come, and he had comforted him and calmed him with soft, cold hands reassuringly on his skin, and two words croaked hoarsely out of a throbbing, burning throat.

I could try to do the same... I just hope it'll help him the same way it helped me.

Atsushi hesitantly reached for Ryuunosuke's hands, gripping them together inside his own cupped palms, stroking one of his fingers over the back of Ryuunosuke's palm. Touch and physical contact was stimulating... right?

Atsushi was painfully out of his element, even more so than he would care to admit to himself. All he could do was let his panicked thoughts run wild and pray as he waited for any sort of response from Ryuunosuke.

Atsushi noticed Ryuunosuke’s breathing getting slowly more and more audible, his eyes seemed to focus more on what was ahead of him, and his body twitching in various parts.

“Atsushi…” Ryuunosuke's voice suddenly spoke, shakily.

“What’s going on?” Ryuunosuke asked quietly.

“Huh?” Atsushi blinked, startled by the question. Did he… forget…?

“I-I… Something bad… happened, I can’t think.” Ryuunosuke stammered slowly. “I can’t remember. I don’t know… I don’t know what’s going on…” He looked at Atsushi desperately. “You, you’re real… I know. I know you’re real. What’s happened??”

“Ryuunosuke…” Atsushi’s voice could’ve died in his throat right then. “Dazai… He’s dead.”

Ryuunosuke didn’t move, blink, twitch, or even breathe for almost ten seconds straight.

“That’s real…?” Ryuunosuke croaked. “I thought…”

“No… no no no… How did he die?”

Atsushi bit his lip, hesitating to speak. Should I really tell him? Would it even help him, after all he’s been through?

“He… he hung h-himself…” Atsushi began. “Using all his bandages… he, um, made a rope…”

Atsushi let his voice trail off. He couldn’t say any more of this to Ryuunosuke.

Ryuunosuke pried his hands away from Atsushi’s hold, quickly clamping them over his mouth as if he was about to vomit.

“R-Ryuunosuke?!” Atsushi wasn’t sure how to react, what to say, how to help him. “What-”

“I’m so disgusting.”

Ryuunosuke interrupted him, lowering his hands slowly.

“W-what?”

“I’m so disgusting, Atsushi.”

“W-wait, you’re n-not disgusting! Why on earth would you think so?!”

Ryuunosuke gripped his head harshly. “I don’t deserve to be here, I deserve so much worse, I shouldn’t be alive. Dazai should be alive… He can’t be dead… He can’t… It’s impossible, he can’t…”

Any words Atsushi’s mind offered up were lost in his total lack of initiative and stalling thought process. What should he say? Was there even something Atsushi could?

“He’s tried before, so many times… I was here for all… of them… but he was still alive. ” Ryuunosuke sounded completely, utterly broken. “H-how can he be d-dead?!”

“I don’t k-know…” Atsushi tested his voice. “I don’t know… I just heard the news… H-he didn’t even leave a note…”

Ryuunosuke started to shake. “He was h-here..”

“What?! Did he do anything to you??”

“No… he… he just.” Ryuunosuke swallowed deeply, his hands clammy and his voice trembling with uncertainty. “a-apologized…”

“He apolo…gized?”

“He apologized for what had happened…” hevoice broke as tears began overflowing from his eyes. “H-he said, h-he s-said… I d-deserved to get o-out…”

“But why not him??” Ryuunosuke sobbed harder. “Why me?! I'm disgusting trash, worth no more than shit scraped off the sole of a shoe. I've made so many mistakes, I've hurt so many people. I'm not worthy of recovery, Dazai was!”

No!

“No!” Atsushi cried out.

“Why-”

“Don't you dare think that, Ryuunosuke!” Atsushi begged.

“No one on this earth doesn't deserve to recover! You're not worthy- that's bullshit, you don't have to be!” Atsushi locked eyes with Ryuunosuke, shouting his heart out to the other. “No one is more worthy of recovering than anyone else! Worth has nothing to do with it. Anyone who's hurt deserves the chance to love and forgive themselves!”

“Even a murderer…?”

“Especially a murderer!” Atsushi fired back. “If they regret it, more so! If they don't, they deserve the chance to live and realize the effects and consequences of murder, until they do regret it, so they can apologize and repent!”

“You don't know anything about me…” Ryuunosuke cried. “Why are you still here? Why don't you hate me?!”

“It's true! I don't know what you've been through!!” Atsushi was all too past the point of thinking before he spoke. Words spewed from his mouth faster than he could process. “That's why I want you to tell me! I want to help you!”

“Why?!”

“Because you helped me! You did the same, and I care about you! I want us to be friends!”

Ryuunosuke didn't reply; he froze, wide-eyed at Atsushi’s words.

To be fair, Atsushi was just as shocked. Friends? Was that what he'd wanted this whole time…? Atsushi didn't have any friends…

“I don't have any friends. I want to tell you why.”

Ryuunosuke began to protest, wiping his tears away quickly. “Atsushi, you don't-”

“I want to.” Atsushi insisted.

Truthfully, he was more than terrified. How would Ryuunosuke even react?

“B-before I was put here, Kyouka used to be my favorite person, and my only friend.” Atsushi began. “I told her everything, I trusted her more than anyone, and I thought as long as I had her as my favorite person, everything would be okay. Kyouka wanted me to get help… to recover from my trauma and everything, but I refused..”

“But she went ahead without me and got me admitted to this institution despite my refusal, after my IED got worse.” Atsushi swallowed deeply. He really didn't want to remember all of this, but he had to.

“And then I learned she'd been working here the whole time. At the institution.” He paused. “It tore me apart. She was the one person I trusted, but she ignored me and admitted me to her own workplace. It sickened me so much I cut ties with her completely and refused to trust anyone in this place.”

“All they do is lie… Yosano-sensei is the only one who really cares, honestly.”

“Have you ever considered Kyouka just wanted to help you?” Ryuunosuke asked halfheartedly.

“Yeah. But just because I understand why she did it doesn't mean I could ever forgive her for doing it.” Atsushi sighed shakily.

“I understand…” Ryuunosuke nodded. “I'm sorry that happened to you, if it means anything…”

“Thank you. It's just… these things stay with you, and I still can't fully trust others to this day. But… I’m trying to trust you. I haven't told anyone this story personally, they either know already or all the know is that I can't be around Kyouka.”

After a moment of silence, Ryuunosuke spoke up, trembling.

“I killed someone before.”

“When I was younger, I was a far more different person than today. I used to be so arrogant… and uncaring… I still had my issues like I do today, hallucinations and disassociation. But I had someone taking care of me.”

Ryuunosuke paused, shaking panickedly. “I-I-I-I n-never let myself t-think about her… after what I did to her… I thought I was too unworthy to even let myself think of her name anymore.”

“D-Dazai t-told me… s-she deserved to be r-remembered…”

“Ryuunosuke… who was she?”

Ryuunosuke’s breathing hitched.

“Gin. My sister.”

“She helped me… She made me this wonderful soup, cooked for me… She told me about the things she’d learned in her Philosophy class… She took care of me on my bad days…”

“She slit her wrists and bled out in the bathtub after I’d passed out from a panic attack.”

“Oh my god…” Atsushi murmured, horrified.

“I was given a psych eval after the follow-up investigation into Gin’s suicide, and they determined I was too unstable to be left alone, and they admitted me into this institution.” Ryuunosuke continued, still trembling. “At the time… i was just so numb… I only really remember seeing Dazai here, and-”

He quickly coughed.

“But Gin always helped me, and I could never repay her, or even tell her ‘thank you’ one last time…” Ryuunosuke’s voice broke. “I tried so hard to change myself after what I did to Dazai… because I didn’t want to let myself become responsible for anyone else killing themselves.”

“Ryuunosuke, it wasn’t your fault Gin or Dazai died.” Atsushi shook his head.

“How do you know? You weren’t there… you don’t know what they thought of me…”

“Neither do you! You don’t know what was going on in their heads… Dazai had always had his own problems and struggles, even after you two stopped talking… And Gin might have had other things going on in her life, and hid it from you because she just cared about you and didn’t want you to worry.”

Ryuunosuke’s voice started cracking again, as he tried to hold back his tears. “She must’ve hated me… I was so ungrateful, so arrogant, so rude… She took care of me unconditionally, and I couldn’t even bring myself to thank her! Why didn’t I appreciate her more?!”

“Ryuunosuke… I don’t think it matters what she thought of you before she died.” Atsushi began carefully. “I think if she saw you now, she would want nothing but the best for you. She cared about you, that’s why she took care of you. And now you’ve changed so much for her and Dazai, because you know how wrong you were acting in the past. I think she’d be proud of who you’ve become.”

“Recovery is a slow process, Ryuu… But one day we’ll get out of here. We’ll get out and be happy again.” Atsushi tested out a shaky grin, nodding to him.

Ryuunosuke nodded, wiping away the remaining tears.

“Thank you.”