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They fought again.
This time for good, Yoongi guesses.
He wakes up on Sunday feeling like its still Monday. Four Mondays ago. When they fought.
“I honestly don’t know what else to do Yoongi. I love…this is my life. I need to do this. Is not even for that long and it wouldn’t even be a sacrifice. Why you’re making such a big deal out of this is beyond me.”
“That sounds like you’re breaking up with me.”
“Well, I am. I just can’t go one fighting like this. This is my decision to make and I expected support.”
Yoongi can recall the sound of the door, clicking softly after Hoseok closed it. Because he was so drained from the fight he had no energy to slam it.
He sighs, pushing his nose on his hoodie. More like, his hoodie. It still faintly smells like Hoseok’s perfume. He wears it every night, because it brings many memories to mind and Yoongi loves to remember those. He has so few bad memories with Hoseok, because it was always nice. They worked so good, they got each other so well, and loved each other honestly.
Yoongi sighs again, trying and knowing he will fail to fully zip the broken zipper.
-------
He goes through his routine like always, because he’s learned to deal with his feelings and pushes them away when he’s got work or class. Namjoon is tactful about it but he asks.
“He goes in two weeks I think? I don’t remember.”
That’s a lie. Yoongi remembers even the time.
The hoodie needs a wash, Yoongi is reluctant to put it on the washing machine, but he does so anyway.
For all they shared, the only real trace Hoseok left behind is that hoodie. Nothing else. He never dropped a toothbrush or spare clothes on Yoongi’s place. His phone still has the texts and pictures, because Yoongi loved taking pictures of Hoseok, especially at sunrise when Hoseok looked the best, sharp profile looking flawless even on the bad camera of his phone.
It’s the last cigarette of the package, Yoongi forgot to buy a new one on his way home and is too lazy to go out now. He smokes that last one, reminiscing on the times he burnt Hoseok’s clothes with his carelessness around lit cigarettes, and the annoyed look on the younger man’s face, he always forgave Yoongi in the end. This hoodie has three different burns, and Yoongi recalls each time as if it happened yesterday.
Sweet kisses getting him distracted, tickling, more kisses.
It’s been a week.
-------
The day comes, Yoongi half expects Namjoon or Seokjin to pop into his house to check on him, as if he was a child that needed to be watched over.
He’s fine, he’s gone to work and class, and now he lies on his bed, looking at the ceiling that has glow-in-the-dark stars stuck on it. Hoseok insisted, he loved that kind of stuff, and Yoongi was all too happy to make him smile. They put so many, and Hoseok went as far as to google constellation shapes to try and replicate them. He was never good at making out the images, but he remembers how once they were done, they closed the blinds and turned off all the light, and watched those stars glow together. Hoseok rambled about the facts he read, pointing to the different constellations and keeping his arm under Yoongi’s neck.
Yoongi closes his eyes, and tries to forget the sound of Hoseok’s voice on his ear telling him about their own stars.
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Yoongi and Hoseok shared a lot, but Yoongi always felt more vulnerable because he was the one who felt himself be all in in the relationship. Yoongi fell in love first, Yoongi confessed, Yoongi asked. And maybe that’s not important, but Yoongi never meant the same thing to Hoseok.
Yoongi gave him everything he could, heart and soul and all of himself. Hoseok reciprocated to the extent he could, but a huge part of him had been already taken years before. Dance was the only true love for Hoseok. There was nothing that could compete.
It’s been four months.
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Is not like he’s not functional. Because he is. He goes out with his friends, he makes an effort to interact, he does his job, he does his homework. But in every activity there’s time to miss Hoseok. Miss his morning texts and his afternoon visit, his kisses under the stream of the shower, the warmth of his skin at night on the bed, his voice whispering Yoongi’s name like a prayer. He misses Hoseok.
“Hey, wasn’t that Hoseok’s? I think I remember seeing him with that hideous bright orange hoodie like a million times before.” Comments Seokjin one day, distracted, while he checks his phone. Yoongi freezes for an instant.
“I didn’t remember. I thought it was mine.” He lies. Namjoon sees right through it but the only reaction he shows is a sympathetic smile.
It’s been six months and a week.
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“This is very nice Yoongi. Beautiful, really. Terribly melancholic as well. Emotion provoking. Very good job.” The words from his teacher awake him from his daydream. Outside is raining, there’s lighting, the sound making the walls vibrate. Yoongi despises lightening and rays and all of that. Hoseok used to make sure to be with Yoongi when the weather turned like this. They would cuddle and put funny videos at top volume to drown the sounds of the sky.
“Thank you so much, Sir.” He says, distractedly. Heavy drops fall on the window, and suddenly he sees a ray clear in the sky, the flash of lightning long and too clear, Yoongi puts his hands over his ears in an almost instinctual reaction.
When he gets home, Namjoon’s waiting at his door with a box of takeout Chinese food, which makes Yoongi squint.
“Why are you here?”
“Help me with the visuals for the song?” Namjoon offers as an answer. For a second Yoongi is tempted to ask…to ask if Hoseok talked to Namjoon about his fear of lightning and rays. A part of him likes to think Hoseok still cares, if a little, for his well-being.
“Ok.” He says, keys jingling in his hand.
It’s been five months.
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He thinks of Hoseok a lot more than it’s healthy.
They broke up, moved on separate ways, but Yoongi still clings to Hoseok. He wraps the hoodie around his shoulders at night, he chews on the strings just like Hoseok asked him a million times not to, and imagines him opening the door with a wide smile and a promise.
A promise Hoseok never made, a promise he could not make. A promise Yoongi was not worth of.
His pictures are dull lately. Then it hits him. At four in the morning he takes his camera, plants himself in front of his full body mirror, puts the hoodie on and takes one single picture in the terrible light of his bedroom. He’s sitting on the floor, curved back and visible dark circles under his eyes, stubble, bed hair, honest. There’s raw honesty in the picture. Yoongi sees a man struggling to move on, he sees a man still in love. He loves the picture, you can even see the mess that it’s his room in the background.
He names the picture “4am longing” and saves it.
It’s been three months.
-------
It was a stupid fight, a stupid way to end a relationship that deserved better.
He knows Hoseok. He never called again because Yoongi told him not to.
“If that’s it for you then leave and don’t ever talk to me again.” Hoseok looked pained, he looked pale, small. He turned and walked out, Yoongi watched. Yoongi wishes he stopped him right then, or texted him the next day, or all the other days that came after that.
It’s been seven months and a day, when Yoongi realises he might have made the worst mistake of his life. Because yes, they are young, but they had something good, something meaningful that could have lasted for a lot longer than it did. All because Yoongi could not put his heart on the line more than he did.
He should have tried harder. He should have texted. Give the hoodie back. Something.
So he sighs. Walking inside his house, putting his bagpack on the floor, and changing his skinny jeans for sweatpants. The hoodie is on the clean clothes mountain on a chair, he grabs it distractedly and puts it on, a string on his mouth while he writes on his laptop.
While he waits for his coffee to be made, someone knocks on the door.
Yoongi checks his phone first, in case he missed a text from Namjoon or Seokjin, but there’s nothing and they’re knocking again so he goes. He opens.
Hoseok is at his door.
Hoseok has dark brown hair now, and is wearing a big black coat, red gloves and a blue scarf. Yoongi is not sure he’s awake anymore, because Hoseok is there.
“Hello, Yoongi.” He says. Yoongi can feel his heart beating at top speed in his chest, and a small tremble in his hands.
“Hoseok…what…” he takes a step back. “Come in?” he says, confused. Hoseok moves inside, awkward side steps. The scent of his perfume comes with him, Yoongi’s eyes fill with tears.
“How have you been?” he asks, looking at Yoongi intently. He looks skinnier than before, and very pale. Yoongi wants to know everything he’s done while they weren’t talking.
“Uhm…fine, I guess. You? How was the tour?”
“Tiring. Amazing, but very tiring. I longed to come home.” He says. Yoongi’s heart hurts so much, he sits down and watches Hoseok do the same next to him.
“I’m…glad you enjoyed it Hoseok. I do, I’m…really sorry. It’s your dream, and I’m happy you have the chance to live it.” His voice comes out in a thin murmur, he can’t get the apology out the way he wants it to. “I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry I tried to push you to choose when you shouldn’t have. Hoseok-“
“Is that my hoodie?” he asks. Yoongi blanches.
“It is. Sorry I kept it-“
“I forgot about it.”
“You can take it if you want…” Yoongi feels hurt, confused, most of all anxious. Hoseok smiles, but then his eyes water and he looks at Yoongi with the exhaustion of the world on his dark brown eyes. “What’s wrong?” Yoongi asks. Hoseok’s eyes crinkle when he smiles, tears roll down his face.
But he doesn’t answer. Instead he unzips his coat, and takes it off.
He’s wearing a faded black hoodie, one that Yoongi recognizes right away.
“That’s mine.” He says, feeling his throat go dry.
“I kept it. I wore it all the time, every day. I’ve been using it so much the colour started to fade. Yoongi I…I miss you all the time. I miss you when I wake up and when I go to sleep, I miss you when I finish work and I can’t text you, I miss you when I’m alone and there are no stars on the celling. Yoongi…there was not a day when I didn’t think of you.” Yoongi is crying in silence, just watching at Hoseok and feeling like he’s in a dream. “Yoongi, I wanted to come home so bad. I loved it but I couldn’t enjoy it as much because I wanted to tell you all about it and I couldn’t. You said not to call and I didn’t, but hyung I had so much to tell you. I missed you so much. I wanted to come home, I wanted to come home so badly. Yoongi, you’re home to me. Please…I’m sorry, please, give me a new chance, let’s try again-“Yoongi jumps Hoseok, smashing his lips with a desperate kiss.
Yoongi is nodding while he kisses Hoseok, his hands tugging on Hoseok’s hair and clothes, the tears not stopping even with eyes closed.
“Hoseok, Hoseok I love you. I love you, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Thank you for coming back, I love you, I love you-“he says on his mouth, Hoseok’s arms are around him.
They kiss for hours, there are more tears because Yoongi feels so grateful, so fortunate, and more in love than ever when Hoseok lays down next to him and starts telling him about his trip while they look at the stars on the ceiling.
Hoseok stays in Yoongi’s house for a week. They catch up, they confess all their fears, and what they thought while apart.
Hoseok gives Yoongi a stack of letters. He wrote a letter to Yoongi every day with everything he wanted to tell him but couldn’t. Yoongi reads them while Hoseok is at work, crying because they all end with the same ‘I miss you Yoongi’, those letters being the proof of Hoseok’s love at their worst moment. Solid, real, honest.
“Move in with me.” He asks Hoseok.
“What?”
“Move in. I want us to try that. I want to share a home with you. I want us to be…Hoseok, I’m in it for the long run. I’m in it for as long as you’ll have me. I want you with me as much as I can have you, so please, if you want, move in with me.” Hoseok tears up, being sensible as he is, hugging Yoongi to his chest.
“Okay, I’d love to.”
And while they live together, Yoongi learns to love all new different sides of Hoseok he didn’t know before.
It’s been a year since that Monday they fought, Hoseok is using a bright red hoodie that’s Yoongi’s, and he’s just came home.
“Hey babe.” He greets Yoongi with a short sweet kiss. Yoongi smiles, face buried on Hoseok’s neck.
“Hey love, how was your day?”
“Amazing. We’re going on tour in two months, for two months or so, I’m excited.” Yoongi smiles against Hoseok’s skin.
“Sounds amazing baby.” Hoseok tightens his hold.
“I’ll want to come home every day.”
“I expect a call every day.” Hoseok smiles, Yoongi feels it on the lips against his forehead.
“I promise. And if I forget, you call, yeah?”
“Definitely. Love you Seok.” Yoongi mumbles, sleepy on the warm hug Hoseok is giving him.
“I love you more.”
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When Hoseok parts, he leaves behind all of him that doesn’t fit in a suitcase. He leaves his perfume, toothbrush, his favourite mug, half his wardrobe, his stuffed animals, a million kisses and the promise of a million more.
After the long talks they had, promising to try harder, promising to love each other wholeheartedly and put effort in the relationship, believing in a future together, and believing in a present together, Yoongi watches him walk out the door with a smile.
He gets a phone call at midnight.
“Hey babe, you up still?”
“Of course. How was it?” he can hear Hoseok’s smile through the line when the younger man starts to tell him all about it.
Is in the moment, Yoongi laying on his bed with Hoseok’s hoodie on and clutching Hoseok’s pillow, watching the constellations in his ceiling, more now after Hoseok came home a couple of days before leaving claiming they needed more stars, that Yoongi knows.
He gets up, turns on the lights, grabs his camera while still on the phone, between his neck and his shoulder listens to Hoseok describe the stage and the lights, the vibe of the crowd, missing a couple of steps, a colleague slipping and falling, what he had for dinner. He snaps a quick shot of himself in the full-body mirror.
He calls it “Midnight talks.”