Chapter Text
Justin Massey * Richard Horpe
Master of Laws
Or:
How
I Learned
To
Stop
Worrying
And
Love
The
Deep State
“I’m doomed,” Justin Massey declared.
Most of the patrons of The Antlers rolled their eyes and ignored the blonde knight. The Antlers was situated at the foot of Aegon’s Hill, and therefore attracted more than its share of courtiers seeking escape from the Red Keep in drunk oblivion. There were no whores, of course – not that any respectable establishment in King’s Landing like The Antlers would everconsider doing such a thing under King Stannis’ ever-watchful eye.
Justin’s companion, however, raised his mug. “I was going to toast you on becoming the Master of Laws. If you think aren’t adequate for the job, though…”
“Shut it, Horpe. Have you seen how long the average Master of Laws has lasted under King Stannis?”
“Let me look.” Richard Horpe pulled out The Secret Black Book and plopped in on the table. “Let’s see. Eldon Estermont lasted seven months before resigning. Lucos Chyttering was dismissed after five months. Old Lord Hunter lasted only two months, but he died so he doesn’t count…”
“Jumped out a window, more like it.”
“We started that rumor, remember, Massey?”
“Did we? Oh, I guess you’re right.”
“The things we do for the realm. Well, Hoster Blackwood was Master of Laws for eleven months. He may be the longest. And Randyll Tarly lasted all of one Small Council meeting with Stannis, of course.”
Justin shuddered at the memory of that very violent episode. “Let’s not talk about that one.”
Richard closed the book, leaned back, and sighed. “I agree, Massey, you’re doomed.”
“Well, aren’t you going to do something to help me?” Justin demanded, waving a very large quill. “Just think…if I’m gone in disgrace, then Stannis will no longer have his second most trusted advisor…”
“Third.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Horpe. Without us both to advise and help King Stannis, just think of the chaos!“
“Do you have any ideas on what to do then?”
“Have Edmure Tully be kidnapped by bandits and then rescue him?”
“No.”
“But that was what the two of us did the last time there was a crisis…”
Richard waved his hand in front of Justin’s face. “We’ve used that one three times already. And the last time was a disaster.”
“How were we supposed to know that he’d just gotten himself betrothed to one of the daughters of Walder Frey, of all people?” Justin grumbled. “I have another cunning plan…”
“And trying to overthrow the Tyroshi government is right out.”
“Oh,” Justin said with a defeated sigh.
Richard ran a hand across his eyes. “Let’s look at this logically, Massey. Why does the Master of Laws never last long?”
“The position is cursed, that’s why.”
“No, it’s because the Master of Laws can never enforce the law to Stannis’ satisfaction. He always finds some obscure law he isn’t enforcing, or decides that the punishments aren’t proportionate to the crime, or remembers a previous judgment that the Master of Laws is contradicting. Stannis want to be the law, and the poor Master of Laws gets caught in the middle.”
“In short, I’m doomed…unless we can ensure Stannis never notices anything I do.”
“So we make sure the cases never get to King’s Landing and Stannis never sees them.”
“Quite clever. Wait…” Justin’s eyes narrowed. “That would mean I would have to be away from King’s Landing, while you were still here…”
Richard snorted. “As if you’d survive. Send out representatives to travel throughout the Seven Kingdoms and judge cases for you. Give them the authority of the Master of Laws and ultimately, of course, of the king, who with his injuries unfortunately cannot travel.”
“We could make it three representatives at a time, so if something goes wrong we can blame two and get the third to back us up,” Justin mused.
“Now we're talking. And best of all, you won’t have to do most of the work the Master of Laws usually does, so we can continue with our work ensuring the safety and security of the Seven Kingdoms…”
“Our indispensable work!” Justin declared, raising his mug.
“As I was saying, so we can continue our indispensable work ensuring the safety and security of the Seven Kingdoms. There’s only one problem.”
“Stannis must not know,” the two said in unison.
“The name can’t make him think it’s related to the law, so lawgivers or something like that is right out,” Justin mused. “And it can’t be too threatening, like justicars or judges.”
“And he can't expect it to be coming from you, either, Massey.”
“I’ve got it!” Justin exclaimed. “NOBODY EXPECTS THE STANNIS INQUISITION!”
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Thus was born the Stannis Inquisition, that terrible instrument of royal power. Its chief weapons were such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Baratheon regime, and silliness that makes for a very pointless oneshot.
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