Chapter Text
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted a best friend. Someone who wouldn't cower in fear from me, from what I am; someone who'd love me for me. I think I found that person.
Only thing is...well he's a man. Just like me. Ok, he's not just like me. He's...he's beautiful.
I think the blade of humor the Universe wields is cruel; it cuts deeply and throws everything into chaos.
_____
We were in our fourth year and I actually thought about going to Dumbledore to see if he couldn't pull something off for me; change my gender from male to female. Of course, I figured he'd probably say no way (and he did). Said that I ought to just play with the cards that I've been dealt the best I could...
"Hey Remus, you've got a full house--"
"Huh?"
"A full house," James repeated as Sirius tilted the contraband fire whiskey to his lips, winking as a salute. "That means you win this hand!"
"Way to go Remus," Peter
"Yeah, way to go Moony," Sirius mused as he patted my back a little too hard. I winced immediately and felt his fingers splay on my shoulder and gently knead the muscle beneath the cotton shirt. "Sorry about that, mate."
"S'ok," I lied.
Sirius Black's hands are large. Large, elegant, and powerful. And beautiful. Long fingers, that can deftly twirl his wand with little to no effort on his part. Hands that can sooth a sore muscle as if it were his own. Like he's been doing it his whole life.
"So collect your winnings before I do," Sirius continued playfully.
I reached between the four of us and pulled the sickles and knuts toward me and put them in neat little piles, taking care not to look like I had been counting...Sirius and James had both insisted that this was bad luck to do this at the table.
It was my turn to deal next as I shuffled the cards by hand, Sirius clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. I cut my eyes toward him playfully and he playfully sneered in response and stuck out his tongue.
I tried really hard to get the image of his oral muscle protruding from those pouty lips of his as I began to deal the next hand....I lost that hand. I lost badly. To Sirius. He grinned at me as he pulled his winnings toward him, not bothering to arrange them neatly at all. "Thanks Moony," he said almost purring.
____
Between classes, the four of us could be seen walking the often wide corridors of Hogwarts taking up as much room as we could because well, we could. Even the older students didn't seem to mind all that much. Of course, the exception was the Slytherins....
Once I was trailing behind, having been asked by a fellow student for tutoring: Talula Henners, a Hufflepuff. For a girl, she's not so bad. I always thought she was rather pretty and she always smelled good. And more importantly, to her credit, she didn't talk a lot and she was a genuinely nice person.
Her eyes suddenly looked behind me and I heard the clearing of a throat behind me.
"Hey freak. Where are your body guards?"
"Sorry?"
"You heard me--your--pack--"
My eyes narrowed and I motioned silently that she should leave the scene immediately if not sooner. Talula immediately took her leave and crossed the corridor and very nearly flew threw the growing crowd.
"I don't have a pack, thanks. Excuse me--"
His long arms quickly blocked my exit and I found myself trapped against the cold wall and felt it permeate through my clothing to my skin as his pale eyes seared through me bring the beast closer to the surface. Oh, what a fine mess this was going to be if I couldn't find my way out...Before I knew it, four more Slytherins slithered through the crowd...
And so did Sirius. James wasn't too far behind. Peter, pushed his way through the growing crowd to stand by me.
"Oiy Remus, like some assistance, mate?"
"Oh look freak, it's your boyfriend!" The other boys laughed.
Sirius cleared his throat and tapped the boy's shoulder who was in my face after having silently stunning the other boys. The boy turned around and Sirius clocked him in the jaw, rendering him senseless and then proceeded to stand over the boy and point his wand in his face. "You know, you should never speak so harshly to your betters, Malfoy."
"Get off me--or I'll--"
"Or you'll what?"
"You're going to get it, Black," he growled.
"Oh, I certainly hope so!" He actually seemed to be enjoying this...
"Come on, Sirius--it's alright--nothing happened--Let's go, please?" I pleaded, pulling on the sleeve of his robe.
"Perhaps you're right, Remus--might as well go find McGonagall, no doubt she already knows about this--"
Just as quickly as he turned to leave, he doubled back and faked a lunge at Malfoy who cowered against the cold stone wall.
We headed toward the good Professor's office and found Talula standing flat against the wall, books to her breasts, pale as a ghost. Sirius reached out and touched her cheek gently. "Thanks for the tip Lulu," he said gently. My mates also thanked her and offered their assistance should she ever find herself in need of them...after all, she was marked as a bona-fide personal friend now. Surely, they'd go after her too.
Gods! That Mister Black! A warrior one minute and a elegant gentleman the next...Why couldn't I be like that! Oh, if only I were a girl; I could justify my weakness...
Sirius got one night's detention for hitting Malfoy and to my surprise, we didn't have any points taken away! But I don't believe that McGonagall was terribly upset about the episode; she seemed to exude some sort of pride. Still, it was her job to dish out detentions for "rule-breaking"...
Sirius' detention was to dust the paintings on the North wall by the staircases. Not to be an easy task as the stairway's movement would no doubt hinder his progress. I watched from a landing, my transmogrification book on my lap. I was supposed to be writing an essay, but I found that I wasn't able to...Instead, I found myself watching the muscles of his arms and legs as he climbed up and down the ladders; my ears listened happily as he easily engaged the paintings in conversation as he cleaned the old frames and ancient canvases...
Before I knew it, he was staring down at me grinning, his arm lazily hanging from a rung on the ladder. Seconds later, he was crouched down before me. I immediately realized what he had done...
"Hey! You! You just--"
"Apparated, Moony. The root word you're looking for is apparate. Here, say it with me: Ap-a-ray-shun."
I pulled him close toward me, our faces almost touching; I could see the flecks of cobalt in his gray eyes and I felt the fabric of his shirt slipping through my sweat-soaked fingers. "That's highly illegal!" I whispered desperately. "What if you get caught!"
He licked my nose as a dog would do and grinned. "So what?"
I wiped my nose and grimaced. "So what! That kind of thing can get you expelled!"
"Ah, you worry too much Remus."
"Yeah, and if I didn't--"
He winked at me and then turned toward the paintings on the North wall. "Can I go now? I really have to study--"
"Of course you can, my dear--we won't tell--" the lady in the nursery painting said. "You've worked so hard and you've been marvelous company!"
He bowed low and lavishly and turned toward me. "Come on Moony, let's go before they change their minds--"
____
I don't think I'll ever forget the night while in our sixth year when they showed their animagus forms to me. As I recall, I wasn't in the best of moods, as the cycle of the moon was waning and nearing completion to the full moon.
"We've something to show you, Remus. Why don't you sit down," James asked gently.
"I'll stand I think, thanks," I said bluntly.
"Suit yourself--hey Sirius, why don't you go stand by him, just in case he faints or something?"
Sirius chuckled as he sat up and slid off his bed, which was next to mine. "Won't let nothing happen to ya Remus."
I clearly remember snorting at his comment and him nearly in a giggle fit from excitement.
Peter went first. He had been sitting on the window sill and his eyes twinkled and his nose began to twitch. Then his body flailed a bit, but for only a half-second. I thought for a moment that he was having some sort of fit or something far worse. What ever it was, I didn't want him to give it to me; I had enough to deal with. Before I knew it, he was scurrying across the sill, to the desk, and down the front of it, quickly running across the floor, his four little legs a blur and his little rat tail flailing behind him and he climbed up my bed spread and sat up on his hind legs and began to paw at his face. I've since learned that rats do this when they're nervous. I picked him up.
"Peter! Merlin's beard! Look what you've done! Lads! Look what he did! This is brilliant!"
"Yeah, we know. But you haven't seen anything yet."
"What do you mean?"
"You'll see," Sirius whispered as he leaned on the bed post and crossed his ankles.
James was the next to transform. He removed his glasses and carefully placed them on the chest next to his bed, got down on all fours and put his head down. I noticed that his hands were the first to change, although really, the change occurs simultaneously. Within a few seconds, I was standing before a young, snorting buck.
I think my feet fell out from beneath me as I found myself clutching Peter tightly to my chest as Sirius crawled on the bed next to me.
"So what do you think of all this, Remus?"
I was speechless to be sure.
"Well, you're gonna love this--oh and you really should know that we learned how to do this for you--"
My hand seized the sleeve of his shirt and he sat down next to me. "What do you mean, for me?"
"Well, I thought, we thought that you shouldn't have to go through the transformation alone--"
Slowly it had dawned on me...what they had done...and why. "No. I can't let you do this, Sirius. I just can't--what--what if one of you gets--"
"We won't. We'll already be in our animagus forms. The rest, my friend, is up to you." He slid off my bed and held out his hand. "Trust me."
I looked into his gray eyes and watched his somber expression (which had become a common place sight, I didn't like it) turn jubilant as I took his hand and let him pull me to the edge of my bed. He winked and backed away.
He looked at me one last time, grinned that wicked little grin of his and I watched in awe as his eyes changed to pale blue orbs as the rest of his body followed. Within mere seconds, I was face to face, or rather belly to face with this humungous black dog who would forever be known as Padfoot. He reared up and stood on his massive hind legs and placed his fore paws on my shoulders. I could swear he was still grinning. And as he had done on countless occasions, he once again licked my nose. I fought hard to contain my joy, the tears threatened to spill down my cheeks and I felt the creature, so close to the forefront in me, howl. I threw my arms around him as he barked jubilantly and I found myself laughing out loud. Peter squeaked and James, well...he sort of snorted toward the door to our dorm as a hoof clicked on the stone floor.
Peter was the first to transform to his human form.
"This was his idea, you know," he said pointing to Padfoot who was writhing on the floor, a lone sock already in his mouth. "So what do you think?"
"Not sure what to think really, Pete." I was too busy marveling at the major magical feat they had somehow managed to get by me.
"Well, I heard you say, 'brilliant!'"
"Well--it is!"
James had transformed and was watching Padfoot jump up on his bed pull at the blanket for an impromptu game of tug. "I think that really suits him, mates. What say you, eh?" He began to tug at the blanket, fighting for control against the mighty Padfoot.
"I think it does," I agreed. "I really think it does."
"Maybe he won't be in such a foul mood all the time now," Pete teased.
"Hey, maybe he can make it permanent--" James teased.
Padfoot, who with James' assistance, had somehow managed to tangle himself in the blanket, peeked his head out and snorted.
The first time Sirius sat with me through a transformation was terrifying for us both. He huddled in the very corner of the bedroom of the Shack and watched in horror as I began to undergo the change. The last thing I remember saying to him as my eyes' vision changed was to transform...he said I had ended the sentence in a horrific and painful howl.
I don't remember watching Padfoot crawl over to the creature that I had become; I didn't know that I'd hurt him. But I had. And when I had awakened in the school's hospital and saw the bandage on his arm, I screamed out in horror.