Archive of Our Own ^beta

Pain is something that many people endure, it is something that everyone feels at least once a day, maybe even several times a day depending on how each person lives. Physical pain or not, pain is pain. Some people are more able to feel pain than others. Some people just give up and lose to the pain wanting more than anything to stop feeling it.

Minho dragged his feet along the pavement, his heart pounding in his chest, his eyes burning and his throat raw. Minho did not even feel like himself anymore, his body moving on automatic across the sidewalk, walking into the traffic, taking him as far as his mind wanted. To the place where he kept thinking it would all end and he could finally find salvation.

To death.

He stepped into the street, the headlights of the cars blinding him momentarily, horns filling his ears and Minho felt a surge of relief fill his body. It will be over, soon he wouldn’t feel pain any more. Soon everything would be over and he could finally rest, stay away from everything that hurt him, from everyone who hurt him.

Someone screamed and the loud sound of tires made Minho turn his face, looking directly at the vehicle that was oncoming and then it was all over. He finally closed his eyes when he felt his body hit against something hard and blood spurted from his lips.

Jinki ran out of the subway station looking at the watch on his wrist. He was late because the subway had an electrical breakdown. Now he would have to run and if he was lucky he will not trip and fall on his butt in front of everyone.

His phone started ringing in his pocket and Jinki squirmed pulling the device out as he ran, only a few feet and he was finally arriving to his destiny.

"Where in hell are you?!"

He cringed at the shout that almost made him deaf. "The subway stopped halfway because of a crash." Jinki said breathlessly as he ran as fast as he could.

"I don't fucking care, you should have be here fifteen minutes ago!"

Jinki snorted. "A chief nurse should not be swearing inside a hospital."

"Shut up and get your fat ass here or I'll going to do it myself."

"I'm coming, Jesus." he murmured and took a deep breath as he saw the hospital facade approaching.

With his phone still in his hand, Jinki rushed in and bowed to the people briefly as he made his way to the locker room, pulling the jacket off his shoulders in the middle of the corridor and pushing the door with his foot.

In less than five minutes he was dressed in his uniform and ready to start his shift. As soon as Jinki left the locker room, Kibum was standing in the corridor with his arms crossed against his chest. A look of irritation mixed with “I don’t want to hear it…” shown clearly across his face.

"I told you, the subway..."

"Forget about it, we have an emergency and we need all the nurses available." Kibum said walking away with quick steps and Jinki followed him.

"What happened?"

"A big fire in a restaurant, from what I heard it burned the place down in minutes. Lots of dead and there's a lot of injuries."

"H-how many?"

"We still don't know how many, they keep coming."

"Oh god, that's horrible."

"It is, now go to..."

The doors burst open and paramedics came rushing in with a stretcher. One of the paramedics was on top of someone doing cardiac massage and all Jinki could see was a hand dropped off the stretcher, blood dripping from their fingers and cuts across their skin.

"Forget it, go with that one," Kibum said pushing Jinki toward the stretcher and turning to the doctor who was already running towards them. "Doctor Kim Jonghyun, here."

Jinki turned and ran, leading the way to the unoccupied emergency room, the paramedic had stopped the cardiac massage but was still on top of the person while the other continued to pump the oxygen into their lungs. Jonghyun pulled on his gloves and asked what had happened, checking the patient's vital signs and running to the side of the stretcher.

"He was hit by a bus, but from the reports of some people who saw the scene, he did it on purpose."

"Then he tried to kill himself." Jonghyun murmured, finishing examining the man's vital signs.

The two paramedics nodded solemnly and Jinki looked at the man lying there. His body was covered in blood and wounds, his right arm with an exposed fracture and a deep cut in his abdomen. His hair was drenched with blood, probably because of some cut and trauma, the clothes were torn and the shoes were missing. Jinki's heart slammed into his chest. Why would anyone try to kill themselves and why being hit by a bus of all ways?

Jonghyun's voice calling for him made Jinki blink and look at the doctor.

"We need to intubate him." he said impatiently, holding out his hand.

Jinki nodded and picked up the instrument, handing to Jonghyun who quickly started working, turning the man's head up and inserting the laryngoscope, quickly Jinki handed the tube to the doctor who put it in place, connecting the man to the ventilator.

Jinki pushed his thoughts into the back of his mind, worrying now about making the patient live in the emergency room and then keep him alive. He could think later when the man’s life was out of danger.

Today’s shift had been hard. Sometimes they have days when the hospital was strangely calm, calm as a hospital could be at least. On other days, as this day had been, it was a chaos and Jinki barely had time to breathe.

He did not like days like that and it was not because he did not like to work, which he did, but because it meant that more people were in pain. More people sick and more accidents that resulted in people being hurt and dead.

Although Jinki worked as a nurse and was somehow used to it, it was still difficult for him. Kibum often says that he has too soft heart a heart for the profession, especially for someone who deals with death every day as they do.

Well, Jinki just felt bad. No one likes to see people suffering, no matter what situation they are in or whether they are used to it or not. It’s human nature to feel sad and want to help those who are in pain, or at least most people should be like that.

In the end, with the fire in the restaurant, twenty-four people had died at the scene and forty-eight had arrived at the hospital, mostly in critical condition. Of those forty-eight, twenty had not survived, resulting in a total of forty-four people dead. But that also did not mean that the people who had survived were out of danger, anything could happen during the first few days.

Finally Jinki's shift was over and he could go home, but before leaving he found himself going to the ICU, going to where the man, still unknown, was hospitalized.

"How is he?" he asked to the nurse who was getting his vital signs.

Amber turned to him and sighed. "I don't know. He's alive for now, but not even the doctors know if he's going to really survive. He just didn’t die on the spot because the bus driver saw him and tried to slow down, but as you can see, it was not enough."

Jinki looked at the man lying there and felt a lump forming in his throat. No one should go through this, but there was one think Jinki had to remind himself, this man had done it on purpose. He had tried to kill himself for some desperate reason and that made Jinki feel sad for the man.

She sighed. "That's sad, right?!"

He looked at Amber who was looking at the man with a pitying expression.

"I mean," Amber continued. "He tried to kill himself by throwing himself in front of a bus and now he's not dead nor alive. Trapped in an almost vegetative state."

"For now." he murmured.

Amber shook her head. "I don't think he's going to get out of this. His body is all broken and the brain shows no signs of going back to normal."

"For someone who didn’t know how he was, you're pretty sure about things."

"And why are you so worried? You don't even know him, do you?"

"No, I don't know him, but I feel sorry for him and his family."

The nurse patted Jinki on the shoulder. "You shouldn't, you will only suffer when he dies."

"Oh my god, you're so ominous and grim, Jesus Christ."

"I'm just realistic." she said with a shrug and left.

He could not explain, but he felt a need to protect and care for that man. But maybe it was just the feeling every nurse and doctor felt about the patients they were treating. Maybe that was it.

Jinki turned and left the room, walking slowly through the hospital corridors until he left the building. It was past seven in the morning and the trees around the hospital were swayed in the autumn breeze, causing the last of the orange leaves that remained on the trees to fall on the ground forming a beautiful rug.

A smile appeared on his lips and Jinki closed his eyes, breathing in the fresh air of the day. Despite everything that happened inside the hospital, he was happy to be alive and doing his best to save others, even though he was just a nurse.

As he walked the remaining feet to his apartment, Jinki found himself thinking again about the man who had been attempting suicide, and he bit his lip. Jinki should stop thinking about him and rest, because soon he would be working again and the night shift was always the most tiring.

Taemin was nowhere to be found and Jinki fell on the bed curling up in the comforter and sleeping without even changing his clothes.

When Jinki woke up, he saw a note that Taemin left, glued to his phone saying that lunch was ready and that he had gone to college. He cheerfully ate the food, reading the news on his phone when the device rang in his hand.

"Hey Joohyun-ah, what is it?"

"The identity of the man who trying to kill himself last night was discovered. You asked me to let you know if that happened."

At the same instant Jinki perked up. "What? How?"

"They found his wallet and his phone, with the impact his things fell out of his pocket and they fell a little further away, but someone found it and handed it to the police."

"And..."

"His phone as you might imagine is broken."

"I already imagined that." he said a little impatiently.

"Well, his name is Choi Minho and the date of birth is 1991/12/09. Nothing much beyond the document, some papers and a phone number."

"What about his family?"

"We still couldn't get reach any of them, but the hospital is crazy because of the fire, maybe they'll show up too."

"Yeah, and the phone number in his wallet?"

"No one answered that either."

Jinki sighed, it seemed that everything conspired to keep that man mysterious and alone.

"Thank you for letting me know, Joohyun-ah."

"No problem, if we have any more news I'll let you know."

The thing was, Jinki wanted to know what had happened to Minho, he wanted to know what had happened to cause the man to want to commit suicide. He wanted to help Minho in some way and did not even know why, he only felt a big need to discover the secrets behind those closed eyelids.

It had been a month since Minho had arrived at the hospital and he was still in a coma. His condition had not changed much, but the injuries slowly began to improve. The arm he had suffered from an open fracture had not yet fully recovered but a physiotherapist regularly went into the room to do some exercises with it. They were not so sure the full use of the arm would ever return, but they were going to try.

In the end, Jinki was paying for Minho's treatment, and although his friends found it an absurd, he did not care. He even got into some arguments, especially with Kibum, about the subject. But he didn’t care what others thought and the money was his, so Jinki could do whatever he wanted.

At lunchtime, Jinki would sit next to the bed and talk to Minho, telling him about his day and talking about the city and the weather. He would talk about random things and ask questions as if Minho could answer, but Jinki knew that this could help people who were in a coma and since the younger man had no one other than Jinki, he would be there for Minho.

He felt his heart tighten every time he thought of Minho's family, and wondered if this had anything to do with the younger man's suicide attempt. Jinki was not sure, but deep in his mind something said that might be the case.

The brother of Minho's father had come to the hospital after much insistence, but it had been totally in vain since the man, whom Jinki now hated more than anything, had refused to recognize Minho as part of his family. He had said that he wanted nothing to do with him anymore. And that's when Jinki decided to take care of Minho himself, becoming responsible for the younger man.

How could someone be so mean, how could someone ignore a person who could not even answer for themselves, who was at risk of dying or worse, stay in a coma for the rest of their life simply because Minho was not the way they wanted him to be. This was ridiculous. Jinki could not understand and did not even want to. He would take care of Minho himself, thank you very much.

Forty-seven days, it took forty-seven days but then finally Minho woke up. Unfortunately he did appear to go crazy when he realized that he was still alive and not dead, as he wanted to be. Jinki was called up to the younger man's room and quickly he went there to try to calm Minho down, but how would he do that if the younger man did not even know him in the first place?

Minho was desperate and shouted at the top of his lungs as they held him down. They didn’t want any more harm or injury to come to Minho. But the man just kept yelling that he wanted to die, begging them to kill him, let him do what he wanted, and Jinki watched this scene with tears in his eyes. There he saw the confirmation of his fears. The younger man would do anything to die and needed help.

He did not dare enter the room at that moment, afraid to frighten Minho further, who received a dose of tranquilizer straight into the vein while two nurses continued to hold the younger man, and within seconds Minho had stopped screaming, his now glazed eyes staring up the ceiling, traces of tears on his face.

With slow steps, Jinki entered the room and looked at Minho in silence for a few minutes, feeling his heart break with each beat, feeling pain for seeing the younger man that way.

As if approaching a wild animal, Jinki approached the bed, quietly and very cautiously, biting his lip as he waited for Minho's eyes to focus on him, but after a few minutes without any movement, he sighed.

"Are you okay?" he asked practically whispering.

Minho said nothing for a few minutes and when Jinki gave up waiting for an answer, the younger man finally took a deep breath. "You came here to kill me?" he whispered slowly, sounding almost hopeful.

Jinki hesitated and his fingers that held the protection bar around the bed began to shake. "No, I came to help you."

Nothing more was said and after ten minutes in silence Jinki sighed, eyes still in Minho who looked like a statue in bed with glazed eyes on the ceiling and chest rising and falling with the breath.

"I just want to be your friend."

"I don't know you," he murmured, his tongue felt heavy inside his mouth. "I don't need friends, I just want to... die."

A wave of anger rose inside of him and Jinki shivered, taking a deep breath. "I will not let you die."

And so he left the room without waiting for an answer from Minho, because that was a fact. Jinki would not let the younger man die even if he had to watch Minho twenty-four hours a day.

However, Jinki could not do this, he could not watch Minho even if that he wanted, because after all he needed to work, but this was done by the hospital since the younger man was not cooperating with the treatment and every opportunity he had, he tried to cause himself more physical harm. They had placed him under twenty-four hour watch.

He would stay with Minho as long as he could, talking, or talking to himself as the younger man stared out the window, but Jinki could tell that Minho was gradually becoming more comfortable with his presence there and over time he no longer ignored Jinki like before. Sometimes he would get no response and other times, a few glances but anything was a start for them.

Despite the time, Minho had never said a word about his parents, and Jinki respected it, waiting until the younger man was comfortable enough to talk about it. After the first month Minho had been in the hospital, there had been new information discovered about him, it turns out that not only was Minho an artist, but also that his entire immediate family, his parents, brother and his brother’s wife were all dead. While this was a shock to Jinki, he refused to say anything. He wouldn’t until Minho mentioned it first. The only thing Minho said so far was to ask if his family was really dead and unfortunately, Jinki had to confirm that yes, his parents, his brother and his sister-in-law were dead. All of them.

In one of those days when Jinki was more chatty than usual, he decided he would try to talk about Minho's work, trying to somehow improve the heavy environment a bit and make the younger man open up. Try to have a talk about something that he would be interested in.

"I heard you're an artist."

"H-how do you know that?"

Jinki looked at Minho who stared at him wide eyes, the first time the younger man looked at him so openly.

"Your u-uncle told me."

"What? He came here? Did you speak to him?"

"I tried," he sighed. "But... he's a difficult person."

"What did he come here for?" he asked shakily.

Now Jinki regretted starting this conversation, but now there was no turning back. "He was called by the hospital to take responsible for you after it was confirmed that your family had..."

"Died?"

"Y-yes. But he didn't want to."

"I figured," he murmured, glancing at the window again. "But then who's paying the hospital bill then?"

He knew that at some point he would have to talk about it. Biting his lip, Jinki looked at his own hands. "Me."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to, I... you needed someone and that someone is me."

Minho shook his head. "I don't need you and you should not spend your money on me, I'm not worth it, I deserve none of it."

Jinki's eyes widened. "Don't say that, everyone deserves to live, everyone deserves to be..."

"Happy?" he said bitterly. "It doesn't exist, not to me."

"M-Minho-ssi..."

"I want to be alone now." he said in a firm tone, ending the conversation. Then he turned his back to Jinki, instead choosing to look out the window at the fading sunlight.

Not knowing what to do, Jinki got up and left the room feeling stupid for talking about Minho's uncle. He could tell that there was something wrong with the younger man's family and yet he talked about it.

"I'm so stupid." he murmured to himself.

"What have you done now?"

He looked up and spotted Kibum watching him. Jinki let out a sigh. "I don't know what else to do."

"And who said you needed to do something? He's taking medicine and doing sections with a psychiatrist and honestly, if he does not want to live, at some point or another he'll try to kill himself again and get it right next time."

"I will not let him."

"What, you fell in love with him?"

Jinki's eyes widened. "I don't know what you're talking about, Kim Kibum-ssi."

Kibum shook his head and pulled Jinki out of the middle of the hospital corridor and into the break room. "You're in love with him and I don't want to see you suffer because I can see in Minho's eyes that… that he still wants to die. He still has that desperation dancing in his gaze and it seems like no one can change that."

"I can, I... I have to show that he's not alone anymore, that I'm here."

"So you admit you're in love with him."

He lowered his head and let out a long sigh, his hands loose at his sides. "I am. I don't even know why or how it happened, I just... I just want to make him happy."

"What if you can't?"

Those words Kibum so blatantly stated tormented Jinki on the way to his apartment that night. They tormented Jinki while he showered and ate dinner, tormented Jinki as he stared at the ceiling of his bedroom trying to sleep.

"You look uncomfortable with something."

Jinki turned his face and saw Taemin standing next to him, his eyes still a little sleepy. "You just woke up?"

"Yes, I have to finish a project for college. You just arrived?"

He glanced at his watch and sighed. "About two hours ago."

"And you're still awake. Like I said, there's something bothering you. What is? Is it about Minho? "

"How... how do you know?"

Taemin snorted and lay next to Jinki in bed, hugging him and laying his head on his shoulder. "I know you."

"I... Kibum found out that, well... you know I'm trying to make Minho give up on killing himself by trying to make him happy..."

"And you fell in love with him and Kibum said something mean to you, like 'That's irresponsible and you're going to get hurt, because you're too soft hearted.’” he said imitating Kibum's voice.

"Jesus Christ, Taemin-ah. How... how do you know all this?"

The younger man laughed. "You're very easy to read and Kibum always thinks he's the oldest in the group and the voice of reason. It’s like he’s our mother or something…"

Jinki looked up at the ceiling again and let another long sigh escape from between his lips. "I don't know what to do."

"I know it's difficult, but I'm sure you'll figure out what to do. You just need some time for yourself and to think about what you want, if it makes sense for you to continue doing this, and if Minho will reciprocate it at all."

"You're not helping at all now." he grumbled.

"Hyung," he said laughing against his neck. "Don't act like the youngest here, that's me."

He laughed and nudged Taemin, who raised his head. "Thank you."

"Ah, what would you do without me, huh?!"

"Oh, look at you being cocky." he said, tickling Taemin as he rolled onto the side of the bed, trying to escape from Jinki's fingers, but eventually he fell and took Jinki along with him.

They both laughed aloud and for a while, Jinki forgot all about Minho.

Taemin was right, Jinki needed some time for himself and on his day off, instead of going to spend the day with Minho as he always did, Jinki decided to go to his favorite place, the place where he could be alone and think.

The secret garden of Changdeokgung Palace was the only place where Jinki could find peace and after so many years of visiting there, he already knew the hours of operation and when the place was most likely to be busy and slow, so he went when he knew there was likely nobody else around.

After he had saved the life of one of the guides who ended up having a very serious allergic reaction during one of the visits, Jinki got a lifetime free pass to enter the palace when it wasn’t too crowded and that was what he loved to do, especially when he needed time to think, which was the case at the moment.

That place was magical in so many different ways that every time Jinki went there, he discovered something new. The trees swayed in the icy wind that blew through it, blowing the orange leaves around in the air and causing them to fall both on the ground and on the lake, glided across the water.

Jinki sat there by the lake, looking at the fish that would occasionally come up to the surface, and turned off his mind to everything outside that garden, concentrating on the things that were around him, in nature that was always so beautiful and calm and that brought so much peace to him.

After what felt like only a few minutes, Jinki looked at his watch. He saw that it was past time to leave, and with a deep sigh, Jinki got up and wiped the grass of his clothes and left quickly, so that no one would complain that he was there past operation hours.

But as always, going to the secret garden made Jinki feel much better, refreshed, calmer and more sure of what he needed to do.

He came home with a serene smile on his lips and when Taemin saw how content Jinki was, he also smiled and patted Jinki’s shoulder.

"I’m glad you're better now."

"I am too." he said, nodding.

"Now you know what to do? It's decided?"

Jinki laughed, slipping his arm around Taemin's shoulders and bringing the younger man closer as he went into the kitchen, taking Taemin with him. "Come on, I'm making dinner tonight."

"Oh God, are we going to have to call the fire department again?!" he said as he slipped out of Jinki's arm and stepped back.

"Yah, that only happened once!"

Taemin burst into laughter.

The next day when Jinki arrived at the hospital, Kibum practically dragged him into the locker room again, his expression totally irritated.

"What? What?" he asked shuddering with Kibum's grip still on his arm.

"Where were you yesterday and why in hell did not you come to visit Minho!?" he hissed like a rabid cat. "I've tried to call you several times."

"It was my day off, why would I come here?" he said pulling his arm out of Kibum's grip.

The younger man snorted and looked at Jinki, clucking his tongue. "You know what, forget it. Let's go back to work, I still have another hour until my shift is over and I'm really tired." he said turning around and opening the door.

Jinki frowned, Kibum would not act this way if there wasn’t something wrong, and now the younger man did not want to say it? Kibum was always like this.

"Just tell me what's wrong." he said with a sigh.

Kibum turned. "You're always taking care of Minho, always worried about him and even though I think it’s totally wrong and meaningless, you love him."

"So what?" he asked, looking away. It was still a bit embarrassing to talk about this with Kibum, even if they were friends and if that was true.

"Well, for some reason Minho's uncle came to visit him yesterday."

He tensed instantly and his eyes widened. "W-what?"

"Yeah, and we were forced to call the police, he... god, I don't know how anyone can try to do something like that."

"Damn it, Kibum, tell me!" he said exasperated, heart pounding in his chest so hard it was starting to hurt.

"He tried to kill Minho by suffocating him with a pillow and... and Minho just laid there, he did nothing, he did not try to defend himself, just let that... that monster choke him. If a nurse had not entered the room at that moment, I'm sure he would have killed Minho and when we found out, it would be too late."

Jinki was totally dumbfounded, not knowing what to do, how to act. All the thoughts messed up inside his mind and it seemed that his body had lost its movements, as if his brain no longer knew how to function.

"Because of the pervious head trauma he had suffered and now because of lack of oxygen in the brain, he almost didn’t survive and had to be admitted to the ICU again."

"God," he murmured as he sat on the bench beside him, his face buried in his hands. "All this happened because I was not here, because I turned off my fucking phone so I would not be bothered." he whimpered.

"At least he's alive and that's what matters, right?"

He raised his head and looked at Kibum. "Right. Can I... can I see him? Just for a few minutes, I promise I'll start my round once I see Minho."

"Yes, you can go, but only for five minutes."

Jinki nodded and with shaken legs, left the locker room toward the ICU.

This was his entire fault, he had left Minho alone, had abandoned the person who had no one, who was alone and who only had Jinki next to him. How could he do that? How could he not be with the younger man at a moment like that?

The images of Minho after the suicide attempt, lying on the stretcher, practically dead, flooded Jinki's mind and he gritted his teeth so as not to whimper right there in the corridor, in front of everyone.

This time, it was not the same as before, Minho was not as bruised as he was that first time, but he was connected to appliances, breathing through a machine and had been placed into an induced coma. His body that had just begun to heal was again suffering, his mind that was slowly beginning to recover from the depression was again disturbed and all because one a person who was already gone deciding to appear again.

"Why did you let him do this to you? You can't die, you can't go and leave me here. Don't leave me," he whispered, holding Minho's hand gently and biting his lip in an attempt to hold back the tears. "Don't leave me, I love you Minho-ssi."

"Hey, Taemin-ah, I'm just calling to tell you I'm staying overnight at the hospital."

"But wasn’t your shirt today during the day? Why are you still there?"

"I need to stay next to Minho, he's finally being taken out of the induced coma and I don't want him to be alone when he wakes up."

"So that's what you decided."

A small smile appeared on Jinki's lips. "I made up my mind, Taemin-ah, I decided to stay with him no matter what."

"Glad you decided what to do, now you can move on and have no regrets."

"Yes."

"Call me tomorrow, okay?"

"I love you, Taemin-ah."

Taemin giggled. "I love you too, hyung."

He slid the phone back into his pocket and entered the room, this would be the first time Jinki would spend the night with Minho. After all he did not think he would have to do it previously since the younger man was in the hospital and would be protected. No one could imagine that a family member, a blood relative, would try to do something as heinous as that.

When Minho had woken up, Jinki had not yet finished his shift and when he arrived in the room, the younger man was sleeping again.

Sitting in the chair beside the bed, Jinki looked at the figure of Minho who was getting thinner and thinner. Because of Minho's body type, Jinki could tell that the younger man was someone who liked to sports, the muscles, especially on his legs, were well built and his pectoral and arm muscles too. Now Minho was languishing in a hospital bed, with each passing day he was losing more and more the will to live and with each passing day Jinki was more despaired.

"I will not let you die, did you hear me? I will not allow you to end your life."

"I have no reasons to live."

Jinki panicked and looked at Minho who opened his eyes, focusing on the ceiling above him. "Minho-ssi? Are you okay, feeling some pain?"

"No."

"No what? Are not you okay or are you not feeling pain?"

Minho sighed. "What are you doing here?"

"Keeping you company. I'm going to sleep here with you today."

"Are you afraid that I'll try to kill myself again?"

"No, I just want to be here with you." he said, putting his hands in his pockets, trying to hide his trembling fingers.

"You're a liar. If you wanted to stay here and be with me, you would have been here that day too."

He blinked, even looked like Minho was complaining, that the younger man had missed him.

"You’re right. If I had been here, that... that monster would not have done that to you, he would not have hurt you. I should have come here and stayed by your side as always."

The younger man shook his head and turned his face, looking out the window and remaining silent. Jinki looked at Minho's face carefully, paying attention to the younger man's expression, it was as if Minho was struggling with himself, as if he was pondering whether or not he should say what he was thinking.

"Why are you always by my side? Why are you... here now?"

"Because I want to, I want to be by your side always."

"Why is that? I don't deserve this, I deserve nothing. I am a worthless person who deserves to die, please Lee Jinki-ssi, just let me di... "

"Don't you dare say that again," he said seriously, almost in anger. "You are not worthless and deserve to live and be happy like everyone else. I will never let you do something against yourself, ever again. I... I'll make sure this never happens."

Minho sniffed softly and Jinki's eyes widened as he realized the younger man was crying. "Why do you care so much about a person you've never knew before?"

Ah, what could Jinki say at that moment, what could he say to show that Minho was loved without saying those exact words? He could not scare the younger man by saying that he loved him. If he did, it would only scare Minho further and he already was so fragile.

"I don't know, but from the first moment I saw you coming through those doors practically dead, I felt I needed to protect you, that you needed me." he said, reaching out and wiping a tear that rolled down Minho's face with his fingers, fingers that trembled more than the windblown leaves outside.

"I don't need you." he said, turning his face away from Jinki's fingers.

It hurt to be rejected like that, but Jinki still was not ready to give up. He knew that Minho was too hurt to accept any gesture of affection, whether that of love or friendship, then he would try one more time.

"But I need you."

The younger man looked at him with wide eyes. "What?"

"Can I be selfish and want to be by your side? Because I need to have you by my side, I don't want to give up on you and I don't want you to die. Even if you do not need me, can you let me stay by your side?"

"You... the way you talk, it seems..."

"That I'm in love with you? Well, I kind of am..."

There it was, in the end Jinki ended up saying what he did not want to say, but now there was no turning back.

Minho was silent, looking at Jinki who could only hear a single sound, his own pulse in his ears, his heart beating like crazy inside his chest.

"I don't..."

"I know and don't worry about it. I'm not asking you to accept my feelings, I just want you to let me stay by your side and take care of you. Only that."

The silence in the room was heavy and Jinki simply sat there beside Minho's bed trying to gather his thoughts and trying not to think about the possible rejection that could be coming. He had promised himself that he would take care of Minho and he would do it, no matter if the younger man loved him back or not.

Jinki was sleeping on the couch, curled up underneath a hospital blanket when the sobbing started softly, it wasn’t enough to take him up and catch Jinki’s attention, but after a while the cry started to get louder and ended up waking him up from his sleep. Immediately he turned his head and saw that Minho was struggling in bed, groaning and crying. He was even beginning to thrash around a little, pulling at his IVs and heart monitor.

Quickly he jumped on his feet and ran to the bed, holding Minho's shoulders, trying to control the younger man.

"Minho-ah, Minho-ah... hey, wake up. No one is going to hurt you, you are safe, you are safe!"

The younger man's eyes opened, his lashes wet with tears running down his face, his fingers gripping the sheet so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"J-Jinki-hyung?"

Jinki's knees trembled and he had to sink his fingers even more into Minho's shoulders so he would not fall. Hearing the younger man call him hyung was something he doubted he would ever hear.

"I'm here, I'm here. You're safe." he whispered, his eyes filled with tears.

A minute later a nurse came in after seeing his heartrate increase at the nurses’ station, but after seeing that Minho was calmer and exactly what was going on, left without saying a word. Jinki did not know exactly how to act in this situation but it seemed that the younger man did not care about anything else, so he just did what he thought it was right. He laid down next to Minho in bed, hugging him tight and feeling the younger man’s body tremble against his.

Jinki's eyes filled with tears once again and he bit his lip to keep from crying. He just laid there holding Minho, who clung to him tightly, both of them in silence.

It took a long time for Jinki to finally sleep, his body tense holding Minho. But when the younger man finally fell asleep he felt his body relax and give into the exhaustion while listening to Minho’s soft, even breathes.

Jinki slowly opened his eyes and blinked at the sunlight coming in, and as soon as his eyes focused, Jinki found himself facing Minho, who was looking at him strangely. Immediately he slid his arms out from around the younger man and felt his face burn with shame, they were in a somewhat embarrassing position.

Jinki quickly tried to get up, but they were lying on a hospital bed, a bed that usually fit only one person and with that, he lost his balance, falling to the side and almost off the bed. Immediately a hand gripped Jinki's arm, preventing him from falling completely off the bed and he looked up, embarrassed at Minho's face.

"I'm sorry." he murmured, finally getting up from the bed and removing his arm from Minho's grip, the skin on his arm where the younger man had been holding him tingling.

"Be careful."

Nodding, Jinki bit his lip. "Are you alright? Last night..."

"I am fine."

"Oh, okay, good. I... I was worried and... "

"Yesterday they told me that I can't paint anymore, my arm," he said, looking at the limb as if it were useless. "It will not get any better."

Jinki's heart squeezed into his chest and he had to take a deep breath to respond. "I'm... I'm sorry."

Minho shook his head, looking briefly at Jinki, then averting his gaze. "One more reason…" he whispered.

"Minho-ah..."

A nurse came in, pushing a cart, a smile on her face. "Good morning, Mr. Choi."

Minho was silent and the nurse smiled, putting the tray beside the bed and then looking at Jinki.

"You'd better go, it's almost time for your shift to begin."

Jinki blinked and looked at the clock, apparently he had overslept. "Oh, you're right. Thank you Sooyoung-ah." he said smiling and leaving the room, but before closing the door, he looked at Minho and the last thing he saw were hollow the eyes of the younger man.

Jinki was reading a magazine, or trying to read, when he heard Taemin grunting, immediately he looked up from the magazine to see what the younger man was doing.

"This is so annoying," Taemin complained, pushing the book away from him. "I can't take it anymore."

Laughing, Jinki turned the magazine page. "Do you need some help?"

Taemin turned to him, eyes glittering. "Yeah I do, give me food."

"What?" he asked laughing. "How that supposed to help?"

"I need food to survive, I can't just live from studying."

"You're being dramatic, it's only been two hours since you've been there and..."

"Hyung," he said, cutting Jinki off. "Give me food now!"

"You're pouting, really? Are you a baby or something?" he asked, laughing. "Maybe I should call mom."

"Well," Taemin said getting up from the chair. "Will she bringing food?"

Jinki laughed aloud and Taemin ended up laughing with him. "Okay you win, let's eat something."

"I really want to eat pizza today." Taemin said excitedly, leaving the apartment and Jinki smiled as followed him.

The pizzeria was closed, so they ended up going to eat hamburgers and Taemin was more than happy to finally have food in front of him. Jinki loved his brother more than anything and seeing the younger man happy, it was the best thing.

"So," Taemin said with his mouth full, pushing some french fries in. "You did not tell me about the night you spent in the hospital with Minho."

"He had a nightmare," he said, taking a deep breath. "And it seemed to be a bad one. He was crying and struggling in bed, it was depressing to see him like that."

Taemin nodded. "It looks like he has a lot of demons inside his head."

"Exactly, and he gave up fighting against them. I wish I could help but I don't know how."

"For you to help him, he must first let you in, he must trust you, but after so long he has not yet done so."

"But I think maybe this is changing, he talked informally with me today, he even called me hyung. Today was the first time."

"Well, that's something to someone who spent all these months pretending you were not around."

"It's not like that, he talks to me sometimes. But I kind of... I kind of said I had fallen in love with him." he said with his eyes closed.

"Jesus, hyung. Do you think it was a good thing? I mean, he's not okay now and... "

"And he practically rejected me, so don't worry about it."

The younger man frowned. "And you're okay with that?"

He laughed bitterly. "Would you be?"

"Yeah, I don't think so."

"But it was not like if I was expecting him to feel something for me, he's probably not even gay, so strangely I'm not as upset as I thought I would be."

"You don't have to lie to me, hyung, I can see that you're not okay."

Jinki sighed. "I'm trying to be positive."

"You don't have to," Taemin said, entwining their fingers together. "I'm here and you can tell me everything."

Though Jinki already knew that, it was comforting to hear Taemin's words. He was not alone and that was the most important thing, so all Jinki needed to do was show it to Minho, make Minho understand that Jinki was there for him as Taemin was there for him.

It could be said that Jinki was anxious to go to work the next day and see Minho. Maybe things would get better and the younger man would trust him more.

"Hyung," Taemin said knocking on the door and entering. "Are you sleeping already?"

"No, what is it?" he asked, sitting on bed.

"I was thinking. You said you wanted to help Minho, but he has not opened up to you, right?"

"Yeah."

"Have you ever tried to ask him directly what happened?"

He blinked. "Of course not, just mentioning his parents or anything that is related to his personal life, and Minho clams up and shuts down."

"But I think that's the problem, trying to get him to talk is not going to work, but I think if you ask, ask him to tell you, maybe he can do that. Maybe all he needs is someone to ask him."

"I can't do that," Jinki said shaking his head. "I'm sure his therapist already asked and if he... she would have told me."

"That's the point, hyung. Minho has no intimacy with the therapist, but with you he has, at least more than he has with her."

That kind of made sense. Should Jinki try?

"Do you think it will work?"

Taemin shrugged. "There's only one way to find out."

"Okay," he said, nodding. "’ll give it a try. At this point I don’t have much else to lose..."

Jinki salivated just looking at the sandwich. He was starving and it was past time for him to eat. As he took the first bite of bread, Kibum entered the break room and Jinki sighed.

"A bus overturned and the injuries are being sent to this hospital, come on." Kibum said before disappearing through the door.

Everyone started to move quickly and Jinki looked one last time at his sandwich, maybe later he had time to eat, that's what he hoped.

It was chaos in ER and Jinki rushed to help, going where they needed him. There were many injured because of the accident. Two buses had gotten into a head-on collision and one of them was a school bus. Jinki's heart was tight to see so many injured children.

When all the injured had been taken care of, Jinki finally had time to breathe and maybe eat something, but the problem was that he was so tired that he wasn’t even hungry anymore. Instead he began walking and letting his mind wander. Before he realized, he was back standing in front of Minho's room door.

The day was so hectic that Jinki did not have time to visit the younger man and he was feeling guilty about it, especially after Minho was finally talking informally with him, relying more on him.

"Minho-ah," he called knocking on the door. "I'm coming in."

There was no answer, and Jinki frowned, opening the door. Minho was not in the room, which was strange and he stood there in the middle not knowing exactly what to do. Where was the younger man?

The door opened and he turned, thinking it was Minho, but it was actually the cleaning assistant, who was in charge of changing the sheets that day.

"Nurse Lee?"

"Hey." Jinki said a little blandly.

"Are you waiting for Minho? I think he's in physical therapy now." he said as he changed the sheets quickly, doing it without even thinking.

"Oh, I didn't know..."

The man hummed, stretching the clean sheet on the bed. "I heard the nurses saying that he might get discharged, you must be happy."

Jinki froze in place, his eyes wide. Minho was going to be discharged? It did not make any sense.

"What? He's going to be discharged, where did you hear that?"

"Did not you know about it? I don't know the details, I just overheard the nurses talking outside." he said with a shrug.

He ran out of the room even before the man could finish speaking. Jinki needed answers and he knew exactly who to talk to.

"Jinki-ssi, what are you doing here?" Boah smiled as he knocked on her office door.

"Are you busy?"

"No, come in." she said as she sat down in her chair and motioned for Jinki to sit down in one of the chairs facing her.

Sitting in the chair, Jinki leaned forward, eager for answers. "I heard Minho is going to be discharged, that's a lie, right?"

Boah frowned and shook her head. "Why would it be a lie? Minho is much better, mentally I mean, and he needs to return to society, he can't be locked in the hospital forever."

"But he's not okay yet," Jinki said desperately. "These days he’s having nightmares, screaming and crying while he sleeps. He still does not think he deserves to live."

"I know, but he needs to go outside, see that life goes on, see that he also needs to continue living. Jinki-ah," she said leaning across the table, smiling at him. "You don't have to be afraid, Minho can do that if there's someone next to him."

"I don't know if this is the right thing to do, he..."

"Look," she said softly. "You don't have to worry so much about it now. He will not be released that quickly. Minho still needs to physically recover from all the damage he has suffered, but mentally he will only recover when he leaves here."

"You really think so? Do you think he can have a normal life out of here after all he's been through?"

The psychiatrist smiled. "Yes, despite everything that has happened, despite the depression he is struggling against, Minho can have a normal life, as many patients with depression have. Like I said, if he's not alone, it'll all works out."

The problem was that Minho had no one, how could he not be alone when the only person the younger man had was Jinki himself?

Walking through the corridors of the hospital, Jinki felt uncertain about all that. He was afraid, of course he was, and it was perfectly normal for him to feel that way. How could he be relieved and happy to know that Minho would be discharged and that he would return to live alone, when what he most needed was someone next to him.

Of course one day Minho would be discharged, of course the younger man would not live forever in the hospital, as Boah had said, but Jinki did not think it would happen that fast.

Or maybe it was Jinki who wanted to have Minho around for as long as possible.

Jinki's life had changed drastically after Minho had entered it. Now that he had the younger man, he felt complete, even though he did not have Minho the way he wanted or really desired. Jinki was not greedy though.

When Jinki entered Minho's room again, one of the nurses, Seulgi, was coming out of the bathroom, her clothes slightly wet. Due to the slow recovery of Minho's arm, the younger man still could not do many things on his own and bathing was one of them, so he needed help for the simpler things.

"Jinki-oppa, you're here." Seulgi said with a smile.

"Seulgi-ah, you need help?"

"Oh, maybe you could help Minho-ssi finish changing. I know he gets a little uncomfortable when I do it." she said softly, looking over her shoulder to make sure Minho was not listening.

"Of course."

Seulgi nodded and smiled, leaving the room to help the next patient.

Jinki took a deep breath and knocked on the bathroom door, entering without a second. "Minho-ah, I came to help you."

Repeating to himself that Minho was only a patient and not the person for whom Jinki was in love, he tried as hard as possible not to look anywhere but the shirt buttons in front of him.

"I-I can do this on my own." Minho said uncomfortably as Jinki buttoned his shirt.

"I know, but you need to avoid using your arm for this sort of thing for now."

Minho shook his head. "I feel useless when you do this, I can't even button my own shirt."

He noticed that Minho said that he felt useless for not being able to button the shirt and not that he was useless. It was a small thing but Jinki realized that Boah was right, that the younger man was improving, slowly but he was. Maybe Minho did not realize yet but it was a big breakthrough.

"Jinki-hyung?"

Raising his eyes, Jinki realized he was standing there in front of Minho, lost in thought. "There you are," he said, smiling. "All done."

The younger man frowned and Jinki smiled even more.

"Do you want to go outside? The day is so beautiful." he said looking through the small bathroom window, and Minho did the same.

"I didn't know that I could get out of here."

"You never wanted to," Jinki said with a shrug. "But we can do it now, do you want to?"

"M-maybe..." Minho murmured, looking away from Jinki who smiled.

"Okay, so let me get you a sweater, it's a little chilly out there. I'll be right back." he said opening the door, hurrying out.

Luckily Jinki had an extra sweater in the closet and that's what Minho was wearing. The sleeves were a bit short, since the younger man had arms little longer than his.

The weather was pleasant despite the cold, the sun was shining warmly and they sat on a bench under a tree that now had no leaves.

"It's nice here," Jinki said with a smile on his lips, taking a deep breath and feeling the icy air pour into his lungs. "I like winter."

"I prefer the summer, I get cold really easily." Minho said casually, looking down at his feet.

"Oh, I didn't know that. So we should not spend too much time out here."

The two were silent after that and Jinki took a deep breath, mustering the courage to start.

"Yesterday I went out with my brother for dinner. It’s been a while since we went out together, since I spend most of the time in the hospital..."

Minho hummed, indicating that he was listening, but did not say anything back.

"You... did you get along with your brother?"

Time seemed to stop and Jinki bit his lip, waiting while Minho seemed like a statue on the bench. He was trying to do what Taemin had said, ask, but he did not know it would work or not.

"Not really," Minho said slowly. "Minseok is... he was ten years older than me, so when I was finally old enough to play with him, he already had his friends, he was no longer interested in playing with a kid."

"You must have felt alone."

The younger man shrugged. "Sometimes, but I never resented him and Minseok was not a bad brother. We just did not have many things in common. I've always lived in his shadow, he's is a... he was a lawyer, he had a beautiful wife, and my parents were always very proud of him."

"But I'm sure your parents were proud of you, too."

Minho smiled bitterly. "Not really, but they loved me anyway, they supported me even though I was the way I am."

Jinki frowned, Minho's uncle had said something similar before, saying that it was because the younger man was the way he was, that no one would accept him. "What do you mean by that?"

"First of all, I did not go to college, I always knew what I wanted to do, what I was good at, so I took courses in painting, I learned everything I needed and I thought it was not necessary to go to college. But you know, society doesn’t look well on those that do not attend college, and my family, full of doctors and lawyers, did not accept it very well."

He did not know what to say, so he simply nodded, hoping, waiting, that Minho would continue to speak.

"After all," Minho said after a few minutes in silence, looking briefly at Jinki. "My parents did not discriminate against me or anything, not even after they discovered that I... that I'm gay."

And then Jinki gasped, mouth dropping open in shock as Minho's words reached his ears. The younger man was gay, like... like him?

"O-oh..." he said stupidly.

"One of the most shameful and dishonorable things to have in a family," Minho said bitterly. "A gay, foul and wrong thing that should be cut off from the face of the earth."

"Wha..."

Minho shook his head, shutting Jinki down. "I've heard it all my life, from the moment I discovered what it was, that my parents accidentally discovered what I am. That's why my family hates me, that's why my uncle hates me so much. My parents, after all, did not kick me out of the house or anything, but I could see in their eyes that I was causing them pain, and that's why I moved out, went to live alone in my little studio, tried not to shame them more than I already had."

Jinki, not even thinking about what he was doing, held Minho's hand, who looked at their hands together for a few seconds, but did not move away from the touch. "I'm so sorry."

"You probably suffered the same things."

"In a way, yes," Jinki said, taking a deep breath. "My mother is the only one who knows I'm gay and made me promise not to tell anyone. My dad wouldn’t even dream about it being possible."

"I don't know what's worse," Minho said with a sigh. "Hide or tell everyone."

"Yeah, but then my brother was going start college here in Seoul and it was pretty obvious he would be living with me. It would be easy for both of us, but my mother did not want that. She said I would corrupt Taemin, turn him gay like me, as if that were some contagious disease that passes through contact or something… but my father could not understand my mother's tantrum and she could not explain without telling the real truth, so in the end Taemin came to live with me and I had to promise not to bring men home while he was there. As if I were a whore."

"They always think so.”

He nodded and the two of them were silent again, hands still touching, as if holding hands was some connection between them and given their past, Jinki was trying to figure out what this meant. Minho would not normally let Jinki touch him and he hardly spoke as much as he was today. Jinki could not let that opportunity escape between his fingers.

"Can I ask you something?"

"What is it?" Minho asked cautiously, afraid of the question.

"Can you... can you tell me what happened that day?"

"What are you..." Minho suddenly took his hand away from Jinki's and frowned, his expression seemed to be in pain, in agony.

He did not want to hurt Minho, Jinki just wanted to help. "Only if you want to tell me."

"I don't want to talk about it." he said, pulling away from Jinki on the bench where they were sitting.

But Jinki still could not give up, just a little bit, he was going to push Minho just a little more.

"Did you see?"

Minho froze in place, his eyes wide. "What?"

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Jinki looked at Minho. "That night, you saw what happened, didn’t you…"

Jinki saw Minho shaking, his body shaking, his fingers going white, and all he wanted was to hug the younger man and say that everything was fine, but he was already over the edge there and did not want to make matters worse.

"I do not... I..."

"You know, keeping everything to yourself will not help, Minho-ah, it's not helping. I know you did not tell what happened to Dr. Kwon and that will only hurt you." he said, biting his lip nervously.

"It hurts too much." he whispered.

"I know." Jinki said quietly, regretting that conversation had begun. He did not know if it had been a good idea.

"It hurts, it hurts to remember what happened. I can still hear their screams." Minho said putting his hands against his ears, his fingers shaking so hard that Jinki came closer, placing a hand on his thigh, telling Minho that he was not alone.

"Take it out of you," Jinki whispered. "I am here with you."

The younger man lowered his hands, looking at Jinki who nodded, encouraging Minho to speak. "I was late, an important client showed up that day with a request for a job to be delivered the next day and I could not refuse. I worked as fast as I could, trying to finish as much as I could and when I finally saw the time, it was late. My mother called me, asking where I was, I was almost there... I remember she told me that everything was fine, they were waiting. It was the last time I heard her voice."

"When you got there, the restaurant..."

"Everyone was screaming, running down the street and I could not understand, not until I saw the restaurant and... and then I tried to get in, my parents were in there, my brother, my whole family was there, but... but the flames were blocking the entrance and I could not do anything, I did not know what to do. The people screaming, the things burning and popping, the building collapsing... everything was happening too fast and then someone pushed me, talking nonstop and I couldn't understand anything, I couldn't hear anything but the screams, my head was spinning. When I realized, I was wandering the streets and...", Minho was beginning to breathe heavy, almost as if hyperventilating as he remembered.

"And then you tried to kill yourself."

"How... how could I live without my family? I'm nothing without them, I... I did not want to be alone, I preferred to stay with them, I would rather die... I could not take that pain," he said tightening his chest, and Jinki realized that Minho's eyes were full of tears. "That had to end, and that's what I did."

As he calmed down and his breathing became more controlled, there in Minho's eyes, Jinki saw that determination he had seen in the early days. The early days when the younger man had just woken up, that determination to finish what he had tried and failed. But this time Minho was not alone, not totally, Jinki was there for the younger man and he just needed to convince Minho of it.

"I'm really sorry, I can't even imagine the pain you felt, that you still feel."

"It still hurts." Minho nodded and a tear trickled down his face.

"I know," Jinki said as he approached Minho again, touching his leg slightly. "But you're not alone, not anymore. If you want, I'm right here."

Minho looked at Jinki, his eyes glistening with tears. "Why?" he asked, his voice weak, looking intensely at Jinki. "Why are you still here?"

He could misunderstand Minho's question, but after everything the younger man had told him, Jinki understood very well what Minho meant.

"Because nothing has changed for me. I may not know you but the feeling I've felt since the day I first saw you is still here," he said, putting his hand against his heart. "I still love you despite everything, even though you don't want anything with me."

One side of Minho's mouth lifted in a small, shy smile and that was all Jinki needed to continue. It was the encouragement he needed. Jinki was not about to give up on Minho, not now that he was seeing that the younger man was opening up to him, trusting him. Maybe in time, Jinki could get into Minho's heart and stay there.

Jinki entered the physiotherapy ward looking at the patients who were there doing the daily exercises. He smiled seeing the happiness in the face of those who slowly and with hard work were improving, this was the really rewarding part of the job.

Daesung, a physiotherapist with the hospital, was helping one of the patients trying to balance on the walking bars, keep his legs straight and feet flat on the floor. Jinki could see the man was struggling, biting his lip as sweat trickled down his face, but slowly he moved forward.

"You're doing well, Sunghan-ssi, just a few more steps and you can rest." the physiotherapist said encouragingly.

The man frowned, concentrating even more on what he was doing and Jinki stayed there, waiting until Daesung was free.

After a few minutes Daesung was finally done with the patient and Jinki was able to go speak with him. Daesung smiled as he watched Jinki approach.

"Did you have to wait a long time?" Daesung asked as he stored some equipment in place and Jinki helped him.

"No, I just got here." he said shaking his head, even though Daesung had seen that he was there the whole time.

The physiotherapist smiled and nodded, pulling Jinki to a few chairs at the end of the room. "I wanted to talk to you," he said seriously. "About Minho."

"What about him?" Jinki asked frowning, confused.

"His arm isn’t getting any better," Daesung said shaking his head. "It doesn’t seem to be returning to its original flexibility and movements... and he will not be able to paint anymore at this rate."

"Wait... what?"

Daesung sighed, looking straight at Jinki. "Some of his right hand movements will not come back, though this will not hinder him from everyday activities… like routine things, he will not be able to having the precision to hold a paintbrush or even a pencil. As of now, he will never be able to paint or write with his dominant hand again."

This was terrible. Jinki didn’t know how to react, he simply sat there, his eyes fixed on his hands.

"Does Minho seem aware of this?" he asked a little shakily.

"Well, he probably already noticed, but I was planning on talking to him about it today."

"I don't even know what to think, it must be so hard for Minho and he hasn’t even mentioned it to me."

"Maybe he just needs some time…" Daesung said putting his hand on Jinki's shoulder and squeezing lightly. "Let me talk to Minho first."

"Talk about what?"

The two of them lifted their heads and looked at Minho who was standing there in front of them, looking annoyed at something. Jinki had never seen that expression on the younger man's face before.

"Minho-ah…" Jinki stood up, but Minho stepped away.

"What?"

"You arrived early today, Minho-ssi." Daesung said getting up too, but Minho did not even look at the physiotherapist, his eyes stayed glued on Jinki. Finally after what felt like a millennia to Jinki, Minho tore his eyes away.

"Yeah." Minho said looking at Daesung who smirked, glancing sideways at Jinki.

Without knowing exactly what to do there, Jinki thought it would best to leave and let Daesung talk to Minho, after all he still on the clock and supposed to be working a few floors up. Jinki could not be wasting time.

"I... I'll come in your room later to talk, okay?" Jinki said a little embarrassed to say that in front of the physiotherapist, but everyone in that hospital knew of the 'relationship' that Jinki and Minho had, so I was kind of meaningless.

Minho did not answer, he still had that angry look on his face, but Jinki nodded, choosing to ignore it. Maybe the younger man would talk to him later and maybe he would tell him what was going on.

Later, while Jinki was doing his job, working on automatic, his mind drifted to the conversation he'd had with Taemin the day before. Jinki had said that he was worried, the days were going fast and it would not be long before Minho was finally completely discharged from the hospital. What would he do? It was scary to think of the young man alone again. It was scary to think that maybe the younger man would try to kill himself again.

"Then bring him to live here." Taemin said with a shrug, eyes glued to the television.

Jinki choked on his own saliva, his eyes wide. "What? W-What are you talking about?"

"Wouldn’t it be easier that way? Minho wouldn’t be alone and you could keep an eye on him."

"That's not how it works, Taemin-ah, if our mother finds out he came here, even if it's just a friend, she would make our life a hell."

Jinki was scared simply at the thought of what could happen.

"You might be right," he said, looking away from the television and looking at Jinki. "Then you should just go live with him, maybe settle it all at once and be together."

"You're crazy, this is not how things work and... and it's not just because we're both gay that we're going to be together, okay?"

"Hyung, please look at what you're saying," Taemin said rolling his eyes. "You knocked on the door of his heart and from what I’ve noticed, Minho has already opened up too. He just hasn’t invited you inside yet. So take courage and do it, make yourself at home, get comfortable where you want to be."

"Y-you're talking nonsense." Jinki said shakily, trying to ignore the quick beating of his heart inside his chest.

"Am I? I don’t think so..."

"Jinki-ssi?"

Jinki blinked and looked at Jonghyun who was standing in front of him, an amused expression on his face. "Yeah?"

"Should I do this for you?" he asked pointing to the syringe in Jinki's hand.

Looking at the patient, who was clearly a little nervous and uncomfortable, Jinki bowed, smiling to the patient to try and calm their nerves. "Oh, I'm so sorry, sir."

The man nodded and turned his face away as Jinki inserted the needle in his arm, professionally and quickly drawing blood for the exams the doctor in charge had requested.

"There you are." he said, smiling pleasantly at the man who rose from his chair and quickly left.

"What's going on with you today?" Jonghyun asked walking behind Jinki who was preparing another kit for exams. "You're distracted, more than usual."

Jinki snorted. "I'm not distracted."

"Yes, you are," Kibum said as he entered the examination room. "More than I would like."

Jonghyun laughed and Jinki stuck out his tongue at Kibum who crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.

"You two are annoying. Let me work." Jinki said taking another clipboard and leaving the room to call another patient.

Kibum rolled his eyes one more time and pulled Jonghyun out of the room.

Laughing, Jinki shook his head.

"I kind I already knew that, you know?" Minho said looking quickly at his arm and then looking away.

Jinki hummed, indicating that he was listening and Minho sighed before continuing to speak.

"I could feel it, I could see it, but even so I was an idiot, I still hoped that if I continued, that if I insisted on doing the physiotherapy, I would get something. Now I have this useless limb."

"Hey, that's not true. If you had not insisted, if you had not kept trying, had not done physiotherapy for all this time, your arm would not be as it is now, it would be worse. Then it would be useless."

Minho shook his head, not at all convinced by Jinki's words. "Everything was in vain, hyung, for no use."

"Of course not, you're talking nonsense now. There are a lot of people around the world who have lost not only the movements of their arms but also had their arms amputated, and yet they have continued. Are you going to give up now, after everything you've been through?"

Swallowing, Minho clenched his jaw. "I gave up everything, spent in my life to become an artist, to do what I always loved and now it's all gone. What am I going to do with my life now? Maybe it really would have been better if I had died that day."

"Of course," Jinki said angrily. "Because dying solves everything, doesn’t it?"

The younger man looked at Jinki. "Hyung, you..."

"If you had died that day, what would become of me, what would become of the people who love you, your friends?"

"Friends?" Minho snorted. "Did you see anyone come to visit me? I have no one in this life, I told you that, the only people I had, the ones who loved me died that day."

"But it's not like that anymore," Jinki said shaking his head. "Don't you see? You have the people of the hospital who love you, who protect you, and you have me who is here for you, who will always be. I love you and all I want is to see you happy." he said breathlessly, realizing that he had said too much, now there was no turning back.

It was difficult, every time Jinki spoke about love Minho would close himself off, lock away everything that was inside him, hiding within the several walls that the younger man had built years ago around him.

"You... can't you love me?" Jinki whispered.

Minho looked at Jinki, his eyes wide. "It's not... i-it's not that, I... I don't know what is wrong with me." he said looking away.

He smiled then. Slowly over time, larger and larger segments of Minho’s walls were crumbling, the cracks in Minho's armor were increasing, becoming larger and revealing the beautiful creature that hid inside.

"You have nothing wrong," Jinki said softly, catching Minho's attention as he looked at him. "You're just scared and that's totally normal, after everything you've been through, after so much pain, it's normal to try to protect yourself, but you don't have to do it anymore, I can protect you."

Time seemed to stop then, when Minho looked into Jinki's eyes. He could see so many feelings swimming in there. So many doubts and uncertainties that made him feel shock as the younger man came closer, sliding and tangling his long fingers into Jinki's.

Of course they had already held each other's hands before, Jinki had done this several times, but this was the first time Minho had initiated it, that Minho was creating the contact. Jinki could not be happier.

"I..." Minho said in a slightly embarrassed voice. "I don't know how you can love someone like me, someone as broken as I am."

"Well, I’m nothing if not persistent." Jinki smiled and squeezed Minho's fingers, who laughed a little.

Surely Jinki wanted to hear Minho's laugh more.

"I can see that," he said, still laughing. "But," Minho said, letting go of Jinki's hand, who felt his heart squeeze, not knowing what he would hear. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to love again."

It was frightening to think that now that Jinki was finally able to make Minho open up, everything would be in vain. Of course he had told himself that he would not force anything. That just being close to the younger man was enough, but Jinki could not be hypocritical and say he did not want Minho.

This was the last attempt.

"Maybe you already have and just did not realize it yet." Jinki said softly, the words clinging to his throat.

Minho frowned. "I'm already what?"

"In love..."

Minho's eyes widened and he turned away from Jinki who shuddered, trying not to move, to do anything. "You... I don't... I need to go," he said getting up. "I'm sorry."

Jinki sighed, looking at Minho who quickly made his way back to the building. He had spoiled everything.

"I'm really the dumbest person on the face of the earth." he said angry to himself.

Four days had passed and Jinki had not yet seen Minho after what had happened. It was not that the younger man was avoiding Jinki or anything, in fact it was he who was avoiding Minho.

Jinki was ashamed of what he had done, ashamed to have pressed Minho, ashamed for doing something he had said to himself that he would not do.

He was punishing himself for everything and missing Minho, it was certainly his punishment.

But that did not mean that Jinki was okay with it, because he was not. He realized how his life had changed drastically, how he had become dependent on Minho, but not in a bad way. Jinki only needed the youngest man in his life so that he would be happier.

Maybe Jinki needed to be alone for a while. Maybe avoiding Minho for a few more days would help him figure out what to do.

It was depressing, Jinki was a cowardly idiot who did not know what to do. He was hiding behind a tree, looking at Minho who was walking across the courtyard, curled up in a coat, totally unrelated from Jinki's eyes.

After a whole week without talk to Minho, Jinki was more than depressed, he was feeling like crap and was practically mopping around, and even though it was all his fault, Jinki could not muster enough courage to make eye contact with the younger man, to apologize for having forced the situation and possibly his feelings.

How was he going to fix this? Was there a way?

"Still hiding, huh?!"

Jinki jumped, almost yelping with fright. "Jesus Christ, Daesung-ah, you almost scared the hell out of me."

Daesung simply shook his head, looking briefly at Minho. "Why are you doing this to him, and to you?"

"I-I'm not doing anything."

"Jinki-ah," he sighed. "Go talk to him, go fix whatever you've done. I do not want to see you suffering and Minho doesn’t deserve to suffer either. "

"Is he... is he suffering?" Jinki whispered.

"Of course he is. Minho is missing you, everyone can see that."

He had not stopped to think about it, Jinki thought that because of what he had done, Minho would rather stay away from him for a while. The last thing that crossed Jinki's mind was that the younger man would suffer for it.

"Oh, I…I had no idea." he said with a slight quiver.

The physiotherapist pulled Jinki in, hugging him tight. "So go do what you have to do, talk to him and go back to being our usual Jinki. I don't like to see you sad like this."

Jinki nodded, hugging Daesung back, who patted him on the shoulder in comfort. "I will."

"Have you had lunch?" he asked moving away from the embrace, but keeping an arm around Jinki's shoulders.

"No, not yet."

"Let's go to lunch then, I'm hungry."

"Are you going to pay?" he asked, following Daesung into the hospital.

"Pay?" Daesung asked with a raised eyebrow. "Do you think I'm rich?"

He snorted. "I know you are."

"Your sources are mistaken." Daesung said shaking his head and making Jinki laugh.

A few hours after Jinki had had lunch with Daesung, he was finally ready to try to talk to Minho and fix what he had done. For a while he pondered what would be best, whether it was to go to the younger man's room or ‘meet’ him casually through the hospital corridors. In the end, Jinki decided that it would be better to go to Minho's room and talk to him there, with more privacy.

Knocking lightly on the door, Jinki entered in the room and Minho tensed as their eyes met. Jinki swallowed.

"Hey..." he said shakily, but Minho did not respond. “I... I wanted to talk to you."

Minho just sat there on the bed looking at Jinki who sighed. He could see in the younger man's eyes that it would not be easy to talk, that it would not be easy for Jinki to fix the shit he'd made.

"First of all...” Jinki took a deep breathe. “I wanted to apologize."

"For what?" Minho asked harshly, causing Jinki to cringe at the tone of his voice.

"For what?" he said scratching his head. "For what I said that day... I... I should not have pressed you like that."

"Oh, you're sorry," he said, laughing bitterly. "…but even so you pretended not to know me, ignored me for all this time."

"I was ashamed of what I had done," Jinki said desperately. "I did not have the right to say those things and after you left, I realized how wrong everything had been and I didn't know how to act near you anymore."

The younger man narrowed his eyes. "So you thought it best to look for other men around the hospital, even after tell me that you loved me."

"Other men?" he asked confused. "What are you talking about, Minho-ah?"

"I saw you, I saw how you two cuddled, whispering and giggling around the hospital like two lovers." he said angrily.

"With whom?"

"Doctor Kang," he spat. "You forgot me real fast, huh?!"

Wait a minute, Jinki was totally confused there. He could not understand what Minho was talking about. Is he and Daesung cuddling in the hospital? When did Jinki do that that he did not remember?

"I didn't do those things... Daesung is my friend."

"Yeah right." he snorted, looking away from Jinki.

"Are you jealous, of me?"

Minho looked at Jinki, his eyes widening. "Of course I'm not jealous of you, why would I be?"

"To me it looks like you're jealous." he said, his heart pounding in his chest, his hands shaking lightly.

"I’m not."

Jinki then moved off the spot that had been standing since he'd entered the room, approaching Minho's bed, who glanced briefly at him before looking away towards the window.

"I did not mean to ignore you all this time and I'm really sorry for that," he said softly. "I was scared and feeling ashamed of myself. Despite everything, despite having pressed you and scared you that day, I love you and not someone else."

"I... I think I'm confused," Minho said, rubbing his hand over his face. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore." he murmured against his hand.

He knew that feeling very well, Jinki did not know what he was doing either, but he kept going forward, he kept trying. He only had a way of knowing to move forward and that giving up would not help at all.

"I know, I'm scared too, but I wanted to try, just once."

"Try?" Minho asked with a frown. "You mean, trying to stay together?"

"Yes, only if you want to. We can take it slow and see what it happens," he said taking a deep breath. "Do you love me, Minho-ah?"

The younger man looked at Jinki for a few minutes in silence, and Jinki bit his lip, waiting for the answer. All Jinki wanted was to hear Minho saying those three words, was all he needed.

"I think so." he whispered hesitantly and Jinki smiled, happier than he imagined he would be.

"Thanks for telling me." he said, his voice slightly shaky. Excitement ran through his whole body as he slid his hand into Minho's, who chuckled.

"You know, we've done this before," he said, pulling Jinki's hand lightly. "I will not break."

"Oh." he sighed between his lips when Minho pulled him even closer.

Jinki's eyes fluttered closed as soon as their lips touched, it was no big deal, just a press of lips, but it meant so much to both of them that Jinki felt his legs go soft.

While Jinki was feeling the love he had for Minho finally being reciprocal, the younger man was finally allowing himself to be loved and to love back, letting himself be cared for by Jinki. Both were relying on each other, both releasing their fears to try something new. Something that may or may not work out, but the key was to try and not give up.

Nothing much happened between Minho and Jinki after that day besides touches here and there and stolen kisses when no one was watching. Jinki was a nurse for the hospital and Minho a patient, they couldn’t be in a relationship, not while the younger man had yet to be discharged.

After often trying to get up enough courage, on Minho’s last day Jinki brought up the subject about the younger man staying alone after he was discharged from the hospital and as much as he had found the idea absurd originally, Jinki found himself saying that the best option was for the two of them to live together for a while, as Taemin had suggested.

The problem was that Minho did not want to depend on anyone anymore, he was tired of being cared for by others and wanted to be able to do things by himself, but Jinki knew that it would not be easy and so he insisted.

"At least for a few days, Minho-ah, please."

"Why? I'm not useless, I can take care of myself."

Jinki shook his head. "I know that, of course you're not useless, I'm not saying that. I'm just worried. Can’t I be worried?"

Minho took a deep breath. "Are you afraid I'll try committing suicide again?"

Well, that was exactly what he was thinking, Jinki couldn’t deny it.

"Kind of..." he said biting his lip nervously.

"I won't," Minho said softly, coming closer and hitting his shoulder slight against Jinki's. An affectionate act that the two shared not to be too obvious.

"You promise?"

"I can't promise you that," Minho said after a few minutes in silence. "But I have you now and I will not give up without a fight, I'm not alone anymore."

He felt his eyes fill with tears and with a lot of effort, he did not cry after hearing Minho's words. "It's really good to hear that."

"So just be calm, okay?"

"Promise me something then," Jinki said, blinking the tears from his eyes. "Promise me you'll call me if anything happens, if you feel alone."

"That, I can promise," he said with a smile. "And you can come visit me whenever you want, actually my studio is not that far from the hospital."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, really." he said chuckling.

"I'll do it then," he said, nodding, feeling more relieved after having that conversation with Minho. "But there's something else."

"What is it?" he asked wary.

"Now that you can't paint anymore, what are you going to do?"

"Even though my family hates me," Minho said with a sigh. "I have my parents' insurance money and I have some paintings that I can sell. I still do not know exactly what I'm going to do with my life now that I can't paint, but I'll find a way."

The only thing Jinki could do at that moment was trust in Minho.

"Okay."

"Hey, hyung?" he said getting closer to Jinki who shuddered. "Can I do something?"

"Hmm." he hummed, feeling the warmth of Minho's body near his and trying not to smile like a fool.

And then Minho's lips were on his, pressing gently one, two, three and four times, quick pecks that only made Jinki want to deepen the kiss, to taste the younger man's taste. They pulled away and Jinki glanced over his shoulder to see if anyone had seen them.

"You should not do this here," Jinki said a little breathlessly, licking his lips, wanting more of Minho’s kisses. "What if someone sees us?"

"No one's watching and I really wanted to kiss you."

Jinki's cheeks turned slightly red and he looked away, clearing his throat. "Tomorrow you're going home," he said, changing the subject. "How are you feeling about this?"

"I don't know, after all this time in this hospital, I don't know how I feel when I'm finally alone."

"You promised to call." Jinki said worried, already regretting having given in so easily.

"Yes, and call I will."

Trust was the foundation for any relationship and Jinki would trust Minho.

The next day, the day Minho was discharged, Jinki was working and couldn’t find anyone to exchange with him, forcing him to stay in the hospital while the younger man left, alone. Life was very unfair.

"Call me when you get home, okay?" Jinki said hastily, glancing over his shoulder to see if anyone was calling him. Luckily not yet.

"I'm not a baby, hyung."

"I know, but still."

Minho sighed, pulling the strap of his bag over his shoulder. "I don't have a phone, not anymore, and I do not even have your number."

How had Jinki not thought about that?

"Oh, that’s true."

"But you can give me your number and as soon as I buy a new phone, I'll call you back."

There was no other way, and Jinki sighed in defeat. "Let me get a piece of paper, wait here, okay?"

The younger man nodded and Jinki hurried into the visitor’s entrance, going to the reception and asking for paper and a pen.

Minho was standing in the same place, still holding his bag, looking away thoughtful and Jinki slowed his steps, watching the figure of the younger man standing there, feeling his heart fill with happiness in knowing that Minho was well and healthy, different from the man who had arrived months ago to the hospital practically dead.

"Here it is." Jinki said approaching Minho who turned to him, a small smile on his lips.

"You know," he said, taking the paper from Jinki's hand and putting it in his pocket. "I thought it would be more terrifying to go back to the real world after all this time, but I think I'm ready to get back to life even if a part of me died with my family that day."

Jinki took Minho's hand without thinking twice. "You're not alone anymore."

"I know, I have you, and I'm grateful you never gave up on me." he said, sliding his other hand into Jinki's face, who smiled, leaning his face into the palm of his hand.

"And I'll always will be, until you don’t want me around."

The taxi Minho was waiting for arrived at that moment and the younger man stepped away from Jinki, squeezing his hand one last time. "I'll call you later, okay?"

"Take care."

Then Minho left, leaving after eight months in hospital. Jinki stayed for a few more minutes, before entering and returning to the normal routine, it was time to work.

On top of all his worries and concerns for Minho still roaming around fresh in his head, Jinki was scheduled to work a night shift a few days later. Now, the night shift is always the worst of them all and Jinki always felt more exhausted at the end of it than at any other time. That day had been so tiring that he did not even change his clothes before sleeping, plopping on the bed and falling asleep within minutes.

Sometime later, the phone began to urgently ring beside him in bed, which because of his fatigue Jinki had forgotten to put the damn device on the mute. Rolling to the side, Jinki slid to connect the call without even opening his eyes, too tired to even think.

"Yeah?" he said groggy, his voice thick and low from lack of use.

A sigh was heard from the other end of the line. "You were sleeping."

Jinki opened his eyes, staring at the phone screen that showed an unknown number. With his heart pounding in his chest, he sat on the bed, pressing the device to his face.

"Minho-ah?"

"Hi, hyung," he said softly over the phone, making Jinki's heart skip a beat. "Sorry to wake you up."

"No, it's okay," he sighed, running a hand through his messy hair. "Where you are? I thought you... I... I do not even know what I thought."

"I'm sorry."

"It's been a week, Minho-ah, a whole week since you left the hospital."

"I know I know. I'm sorry for not having contacted you sooner," he murmured. "I had a lot to solve. My life has been on stand-by for almost eight months, it's a lot."

Releasing the air, Jinki tried to calm down. Somehow Minho was right, but it had been so hard to stay without news for all this time, mainly because he was accustomed to seeing the younger man every day in the hospital.

"It’s fine. You're okay, right?"

Minho chuckled. "I'm fine, don't worry. I wanted to see you, but I ended waking you up."

"It's okay," he said looking at his watch, it had been four hours, give or take a little, since he had fallen asleep. "I don't mind."

"Can we meet today then? You could come here, to my place."

"Yeah, I can come by. I have to be at the hospital for my shift at eight, but before that I'm free."

"Okay, I'll send you my address and you come when you can."

Sleeping could wait, the most important thing was to see Minho and Jinki would not waste even a second.

"I'll be there in two hours or less, okay?"

"Of course," he said amused. "I will be waiting for you."

It took a few minutes for Jinki's heart to slow down the beats, the slightly drowsy brain still processing what had just happened. Minho had called, after a week of agony, and he was fine, he sounded good. Now they would meet, no longer as nurse and patient, but as... boyfriends? Jinki still was not sure how to label what they had but they still had time for that.

Taemin watched Jinki run around the apartment like a headless hen, giggling as he hit his head on the kitchen table three times while trying to get a ring out from under it.

"You look like a girl getting ready for her first date with her crush."

"Shut up," Jinki muttered as he pulled on his coat and checked his hair one last time before leaving. "I am going."

"Behave yourself!" Taemin shouted before Jinki slammed the door shut.

As Minho had said, the studio was really close to the hospital and with sweaty hands, Jinki rang the doorbell, biting his lips while waiting.

What Jinki saw when the door was opened made his breath stop. Minho stood there in front of him looking so handsome, so normal, no longer the depressed and hurt man Jinki knew.

"Come in." Minho smiled and stepped aside so that Jinki could get in.

Minho's studio in was indeed a small place but looked cozy. Behind a door that was situated at the back, was a small living room connected to the kitchen and then the bedroom, all very simple but comfortable for a person who lives alone.

"Thank you." Jinki smiled as Minho handed him a cup of coffee.

Minho laughed, sitting beside him on the couch. "I'm not very good at cooking, but I can make a mean cup of coffee. I was thinking of taking you on a date today but I... I still am not feel comfortable with leaving the apartment yet."

"It's okay," he said shaking his head and putting the cup on the table after taking a sip. "I don't care and I like it here." Jinki took Minho’s hands in his own, trying to offer the younger man comfort without pushing him too much.

"I'm glad to hear that, so you can come back whenever you want." he looked up at Jinki and grinned.

Jinki nodded, smiling big, too happy to be there to try to disguise his elation. "I will then."

"I wanted to tell you something. I'm going to start taking a painting course, to learn how to use my left hand," he said looking at his own hand. "I decided I didn't want to stop painting, no matter what."

"Are you serious?" he asked excitedly, turning his body towards Minho on the couch, who nodded, smiling happily, something Jinki rarely saw.

"Yes, I learned from someone very special, that I should not give up on things so easily, I need to fight for what I love."

"W-who is this p-person?" he asked with a quick beating heart.

The younger man leaned forward, sliding his hand over Jinki's face and bringing him closer. "You." he whispered looking into Jinki's eyes so intensely it looked like he would melt there.

Never would Jinki imagine that Minho was so charming and alluring like that, not after knowing the younger man under the conditions they met in. There he was falling even more in love with Minho, so unfair.

They kissed, a real kiss, a very good kiss, a kiss that made Jinki lean even more into Minho. Pressing their lips harder, he let out a soft moan as the younger man's tongue brushed against his, sending chills all over his body. His hands automatically found Minho's shirt and his fingers curled around the fabric, pulling the younger man even closer, trembling as he willingly pressed Jinki against the arm of the couch.

As they pulled away, Jinki opened his eyes, staring at Minho who was looking at him with so much adoration that it made him feel warm inside, happy, special even.

"Thank you for bringing me back," Minho whispered, still so close to Jinki. "For being the light that guided me back to life, thank you for fixing my broken heart."

And then the tears that filled Jinki's eyes fell, sliding down his face freely and he had the biggest and the most beautiful smile on his lips.

"I love you so much…" he choked on the words that had been said before, but now they sounded even stronger and more meaningful than ever before.

"I know," Minho said, wiping the tears from Jinki's cheeks with his fingers. "I really, truly love you too, Jinki-hyung." he whispered before lean over and kissing Jinki's lips again.

'Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones…and I will try to fix you.'

-From Coldplay’s “Fix you”