Chapter Text
What happened to us?
It was supposed to be us against the world…
But now...I’m the only one left.
----------
Osomatsu slid open the closet door.
Just a few months ago, the closet had been nearly bursting with the sextuplets’ clothing, neatly hung and arranged by birth order, starting with Osomatsu’s red-hued attire on the left and moving on to the left from there. Karamatsu’s leather jacket and tight sequin-covered jeans. Choromatsu’s carefully pressed suit, khakis, and plaid button-downs. Ichimatsu’s sweatshirts and sweatpants, always dusted with cat hair no matter how often they were washed. Jyushimatsu’s overalls and his favorite baseball uniform. Todomatsu’s trendy shirts and shorts, with his small hat collection stowed away on the top shelf. Everything organized and in its proper place.
Now, the closet was almost bare, save for Osomatsu’s miniscule collection of clothes. He hadn’t realized just how little he actually owned until everything else was gone. He tried pushing his stuff to the center of the rack to see if it would make it look a little less empty, but somehow that only succeeded in making the closet look more barren and lonely.
Silently, Osomatsu selected his favorite red hoodie, pulled it free from its hanger, and tugged it on over his head. For one fleeting moment, he wondered if any of his brothers still wore their hoodies as regularly as he wore his. Maybe they still wore them on a daily basis. Maybe they were all wearing them right this minute, wherever they were. Or maybe they’d stopped wearing them altogether. Maybe they’d thrown them out the second they’d had a chance, one last way to further distance themselves from their old lives and each other.
From me ...
Immediately Osomatsu shoved the thought out of his head. These intrusive thoughts had become a daily struggle ever since his brothers had moved out, but over time he’d gotten better at muting them. He’d become numb now, his emotions dull and a curtain constantly over his mind. That was probably a bad thing, he realized, but it felt marginally better than that horrible, hollow feeling that formed in the pit of his stomach whenever these thoughts encroached his mind before.
But sometimes...sometimes he couldn’t push those thoughts out completely. Though he could block them out enough to not let them consume his brain, they still lingered in his presence, nagging away at the back of his mind as if asking for a confrontation. He refused to give them the time of day, not after the last breakdown he had that had driven his brothers away from him. Bottling his emotions was a much better option for him, even if the constant battle to keep these thoughts away left him feeling exasperated and drained.
Today was one of those days. He was exhausted for no reason and his body felt heavy as he dragged himself downstairs. With the whole big futon to himself each night, he should’ve been getting the best sleep of his life. Turns out, sleeping alone wasn’t as much of a dream come true as he would’ve hoped.
Guess I’ll just stay home and chill out today, he thought. He laughed almost bitterly to himself. It’s not like I have anywhere else to go, or anyone to see.
I’m the only brother now, might as well finally get used to it.
----------
In the end, Osomatsu wasted the morning on the couch, the TV flickering with some inane game show he was hardly even paying attention to. Sometimes his listless gaze would rest on the television screen, before travelling to the world passing by outside. A lot of the time, he wound up just staring at the ceiling for who knew how long, his eyes trailing along a long crack in the paint there as he let his mind wander, though he never allowed himself to think for too long.
His new, monotonous daily routine. Wake up, watch TV, sleep, eat. Then back to bed to start the whole thing over again the next day. It was bland and pathetic, he knew. Occasionally he’d do something to mix it up a little, if only to appease his mother into thinking he was actually doing something with his life. Reading a book instead of staring at the television, for example, even if it was just a comic book. Other times he’d opt to take a walk, usually ambling through the maze of neighborhoods around his own house for several hours before hitting Chibita’s oden stand for food and beer. Those days he usually stumbled home in a drunken stupor and went immediately to bed. In a way, those days were better than most, because at least he didn’t have to worry about dwelling in his own thoughts too much. Nursing a brutal hangover the next day was a small price to pay for an evening of peace.
God, how messed up is that??
“Osomatsu?” He heard his mother calling from the kitchen. “Lunch is ready, if you’re hungry.”
At least that was one thing that hadn’t changed. No matter what, Matsuyo could always be counted on to cook meals for her family and have it on the table at the same time every day. Even with just Osomatsu at home to serve, she still made all of his lunches without complaint. At least he could rely on her staying the same even if nothing else did.
He joined her at the table, already set with a simple meal of rice, miso soup, grilled fish, and steamed vegetables. The two ate quietly at first, with Osomatsu downing his food in an absentminded, almost robotic fashion. It still felt weird sometimes, eating with his mom. It used to be that she and her father would eat together in the kitchen while the sextuplets descended upon the food set out on the table for them like a pack of ravenous wolves. She’d only intervene if they were getting too rowdy or throwing punches, which happened sometimes when they fought over the last bits of food left. Mealtimes were much more peaceful now.
He hated it.
“Osomatsu.” Matsuyo had spoken softly, but the sudden break in silence still made Osomatsu jump as he glanced up. “Is everything alright?”
Osomatsu blinked at her, feeling his last bite of rice sticking in his throat. What kind of question was that to ask, out of the blue? He swallowed hard, forcing the rice down.
“I’m fine.”
That might be a bit of an understatement.
“Are you sure?” There was no missing the concern in his mother’s voice, though she tried to conceal it. “It just seems like you’ve been awfully quiet and reserved lately. It feels like we haven’t had a real conversation in a long time. You do know you can talk to me or your father about anything that’s bothering you, right?”
“I know, Mom. You always tell me that.” Osomatsu bowed his head slightly, not wanting to meet her worried gaze. “I don’t have anything to talk about though. Everything’s fine.”
Matsuyo didn’t buy that for a minute, and Osomatsu could tell right away. His mother was too perceptive, despite his best efforts at flippancy. She sighed slightly.
“Oh, Osomatsu,” she began, and Osomatsu flinched inwardly at her sympathetic tone. He’d heard it all too often lately. “I know you miss your brothers. You don’t have to try and hide that. Trust me, I miss them too. After more than twenty years of raising you boys and having you all constantly underfoot, it was hard to say goodbye and adjust to such a different, new lifestyle.”
She reached over then, brushing a strand of his hair away from his eyes. He didn’t pull away despite his urge to resist. “But you know, just because they don’t live here anymore doesn’t mean you’re no longer brothers. They’re still around, even if they haven’t come by here in a long time. You’ll always have a special bond, no matter where any of you go. And all it takes is a simple phone call to reconnect.”
If we have such a special bond, then why am I all alone now?
“It’s not really that easy, Mom.” Osomatsu wished he could get out of this conversation somehow. It was dredging up too many feelings he’d managed to bury deep down. “If they’d wanted to stay in touch, they would’ve by now. But we’re done. We’re all split up now and living our own lives. And if that’s what my brothers want, fine. I won’t stop them.”
“Dear, I know you’d never try to stop them from doing what they wanted to do. But that doesn’t mean you have to all go the rest of your lives never speaking to each other again.” Matsuyo was still gently stroking Osomatsu’s hair, and he was letting her for once. “I know you didn’t part on the best of terms. I know some harsh words were spoken and actions taken...actions that you were responsible for in part, need I remind you. But you’ve all fought so much in the past, and you’ve all made up afterward. This doesn’t have to be any different, if you’re willing to reach out and reconcile.”
Osomatsu grimaced. Of course, he already knew if he wanted to make up with them, he’d have to be the first one to apologize. He wasn’t stupid. He’d been the one to completely lose it and lash out at everyone that night, even going so far as to attack his own little brother Jyushimatsu. Thinking back, he’d never actually done anything to make things right after that, just retreated into silence and refused to speak to anyone. He hadn’t even said goodbye to Choromatsu when he moved out the next day, choosing to stay in his room and watch from the window as the van pulled away from the house. And when his other brothers moved out shortly after, one by one, he didn’t even try to talk them out of it. He didn’t talk to them, period. He didn’t see the point in it anymore.
He knew he’d screwed up. He knew he had apologies to make to each of his brothers, and that the longer he went without saying anything, the further the gap between them grew. But it was like he was stuck at the edge of a cliff, with all of his brothers on other cliffs set over a wide, gaping ditch. He had to build a bridge to get off of this cliff and over to theirs, but he didn’t think he had it in him to build that bridge. It wasn’t like they’d follow him back to his own metaphorical cliff anyway, even if they did forgive him. He was stranded, watching helplessly as the ditch grew larger and deeper between them.
But instead of explaining the complexity of the situation to his mom, he just sighed. “I’ll try, but like I said, it’s not that easy. I don’t think they really want me butting into their lives again now.”
“I think you’d be surprised. You’re their older brother, after all.”
Yeah, and what a shining example I’ve been to them. Great job, Osomatsu.
There were a few minutes of silence after that, and it struck Osomatsu as uncomfortable. He sensed that maybe his mother had something else she wanted to say, but was trying to figure out the best way to put it. An anxious knot started to form in the pit of his stomach.
He was right to worry. “You know, Osomatsu…” she began hesitantly. “Your father and I have been discussing it, and we wondered if part of your problem is that you’ve been feeling inferior to your brothers. It’s only natural. I can understand that it might be hard, being the oldest and seeing your younger brothers moving out and getting jobs…”
Yep, there it is. Intervention time.
“I don’t, Mom. I’ve accepted it. They’re just...doing better than me at this time. It isn’t bothering me.”
“Well...that’s good to hear, I suppose.” His mother paused then, adjusting her glasses. “But dear, have you considered looking for a job yet? I know the market is a little sparse right now, but surely a few places are hiring. And of course, I don’t expect you to move out right away if you find anything. You know I love having you around and that I miss having my sons here with me. But...it might be time to take that first step into society.”
“Mom, do you really think society is going to want someone like me?” Osomatsu wanted to know. “I mean, what kind of place would be willing to hire a shitty NEET with basically no skills?”
“Well, look at it this way. None of your brothers had any college education or anything like that either, “ Matsuyo pointed out calmly. “But now Choromatsu has a job in an office and seems to be doing well, Jyushimatsu carries packages for a living, Todomatsu still works at that coffee shop, and now Karamatsu is helping out at the oden stand. They’re all managing just fine now. It’s all a matter of hard work and effort. If you try hard enough, something will come up for you.”
Osomatsu fell silent. He knew she had a point, but that didn’t make it any easier to accept the reality he’d been putting off for so many weeks now. Sooner or later, he had to face facts and admit he couldn’t be a NEET forever. Much as he wanted for him and his brothers to stay home and mooch off others for the rest of their lives, it hadn’t been a realistic plan. He’d secretly known this all along, long before any of them had even considered becoming productive members of society. But that hadn’t stopped him from hoping it could be true and doing whatever he could to prolong the inevitable.
It seemed like time was running out now though. His mother was being kind and patient now, but that could only last for so long. It probably wouldn’t be long before his dad was on his case too, and he’d surely be more pushy than his mom.
“Dear...I know it’s a lot to take in, and I won’t make you rush into it until you’re ready,” his mother spoke up then, pulling him out of his thoughts. “But please do consider looking around for something. We just want what’s best for you, and we think that once you get a job you’ll start to realize it isn’t the end of the world.”
Osomatsu breathed in deeply, then let it out in a rush. No, I know it’s not the end of the world. But it feels like it when you’re all alone in this big, scary world.
“Just think about what we talked about,” Matsuyo finished, giving his shoulder a comforting squeeze. “It’ll all be fine, you’ll see.”
“Mmm-hmm,” Osomatsu mumbled indifferently. He knew it was the truth, but it still left a tight, heavy feeling in his chest.
They finished their meal in silence, and Osomatsu even helped with the dishes, an unexplained feeling of guilt eating at him. Then he returned to the living room to resume watching TV, but soon found himself feeling restless, changing positions on the couch every other minute and constantly changing the channel when he couldn’t find anything to fully focus on. His brain felt crowded with thoughts that he couldn’t quite distinguish from each other, but nonetheless made him feel anxious.
Finally he shut off the TV, stretched, and stood up. He was getting way too antsy just sitting here. Maybe a walk will clear my mind, he thought. Or at least stop me from thinking too much anymore.
He pulled on his sneakers and then went to look for his mom. He found her in the backyard, hanging up some freshly-washed laundry on the line. “I’m heading out, Mom,” he said. “Don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“Okay, dear.” Matsuyo frowned slightly, eyes flickering with concern behind her thick glasses. “Just...promise me you’ll be careful out there. I do get worried when you stay out so late.”
He knew what she really meant. She got worried when he stayed out late drinking and then staggered home, so wasted he could barely walk in a straight line. It made him feel like an ass, knowing she cared for his safety so much when he really didn’t deserve it.
“I’ll be fine,” he said, knowing it was a promise he couldn’t necessarily keep. He left without giving her a chance to respond.
Everything about this walk was familiar to him. After spending his whole life in the same house in the same small neighborhood, he knew every inch of Akatsuka district like he did the back of his own hand. Half the time when he was walking his mind shifted into autopilot, his legs carrying him subconsciously down all the familiar sidewalks and backstreets as his mind drifted elsewhere, often not thinking about anything at all.
Without much thought his feet led him through his usual circuit of the neighborhood, taking him to the park first. He cut through the grassy field next to the baseball diamond where Jyushimatsu always practiced, often scaring off passerby with his exuberant swinging and excited cheering, and crossed the bridge over the small river where Karamatsu usually hung out and tried (unsuccessfully) to score girls. He passed by the fishing pond where Todomatsu liked to spend time, though it was empty of people now and it looked like the fish were keeping their distance today as well now that cooler weather was settling in. He entered the downtown district, glancing down the alley where Ichimatsu liked to go and feed stray cats and poking his head into the music store where Choromatsu always bought his idol CDs.
It was like Osomatsu could envision them all there, carrying on life as he’d once known it, but of course he didn’t actually see any of them. It was almost like he wanted to run into one of them, but of course if he had he’d have no idea what to do. Surely they wouldn’t want to talk to him, and he didn’t know what he’d say to begin with either. It would probably be best if they just pretended they’d never seen each other, and went on with their lives.
Come on, Oso, he scolded himself then. You decided to take a walk so you could stop thinking about this. Walking by your brothers’ favorite places isn’t exactly going to take your mind off things.
He sighed. Maybe he’d head to the pachinko parlor for an hour or so, play a couple of rounds. It sure beat moping around by himself, reminding himself of how much better his life used to be when he was an oblivious fool and how mediocre it felt by comparison now. He turned on his heel and started walking in the other direction, not permitting himself to look back again. He’d made that mistake a few to many times already.
Yup, just another ordinary day in Osomatsu’s life on his own. Yippee.
He didn’t know at the time that the day would soon become far from ordinary, for all the wrong reasons.