Work Text:
When he had the time available, he would observe the space around him and the people who filled it.
Spock had never known anything but the peaceful solitude that had accompanied him throughout his entire life. The few bonds that were established were completed before his birth, thereafter were those of close familial clan members. The strongest were of his parents. His mother in particular was a presence that seemed the nearest and strongest. If he concentrated at any given moment, he could easily reach out for his mother and know that her response would be immediate. There had only been few instances where he sought the comfort of his mother in his adult life, but when he did, he instantly felt the affection and adoration his mother transmitted toward him.
Recently, he had discovered something that had terrified him.
During the Enterprise's last mission, Captain Kirk placed himself in a position where his life was compromised, yet again. Spock certainly understood the perils that came along with being assigned to a exploration starship. The danger usually increased as individuals rose in rank, but none compared to the Captain's position. Captain Kirk's first priority was the safety of his ship and its crew. That was a fact, which meant that the Captain's life once again stood secondary to everyone and everything else.
This was one fact that caused Spock turmoil.
After days of searching for the Captain, Spock had managed to retrieve him safely. Dr. McCoy had demanded to examine the Captain, and made sure to express his uttermost discontent in letting Kirk back to active duty so soon, he knew the probability of McCoy making his perusal disgruntled face was 97.2 percent likely.
Spock heard the turbolift doors open and automatically stood to attend the Captain. In his gaze, Spock made sure to quickly evaluate the Captain's physical condition.
Kirk noticed his first officer's query and provided a soft smile of reassurance. In response, Spock straightened and swiftly turned around to his station, and failed to notice the questioning look on the Captain’s face.
"Mr. Sulu, warp factor 6. Let's get out of here," Kirk directed while taking a seat in his command chair.
"Yes sir! It's good to have you back safely, sir," Sulu replied with a smile, while he managed the controls.
"You have no idea how good it feels is to be back," the Captain replied, relief resonated in his voice. Simultaneously, he turned his head toward the science station and noticed it empty, then immediately heard the turbolift doors open and swoop close a second later.
_________________________
Spock was in need of meditation.
He knew that leaving his station before the end of his shift was unacceptable. But considering he had diligently and restlessly spent 2.5 days rescuing the Captain, he had more than a valid excuse. He had noticed the instant Kirk entered the bridge his emotions nearly surfaced and that was never acceptable. Spock knew it was imperative that he recenter himself to restore his weakened mental shields, therefore leaving the bridge to meditate was only logical.
Once in his quarters, Spock quickly used the sonics and changed into his meditation robes. He dimmed the lights, turned on his candle and incense, kneeled on his meditation mat and began to retrieve into the first stages of meditation. Once he had complete control of his respiratory system, he began to fall into a deeper level of meditation. He took pride in his ability to close off the physical world and make sense of the workings of his orderly mind.
His mental mind space was ordered and categorized. He took the time to explore and analyze each of the feelings that he had felt when the Captain stepped foot onto the bridge: relief, anger, longing, frustration and fear. He spent time in justifying the root of each emotion. All the while, accepting his human deficiency for struggling with such unwarranted emotions. He concluded that his feelings resulted in the accustomed presence of the Captain, the comfortable relationship that was slowly built over the years, and nothing more than a fear of losing an acclimatized relationship.
Before progressing into an even deeper level of meditation, Spock choose to ignore the fragile link forming in the corner of his mind. He did not want to confront it, touch it or analyze, yet… After 2.5 hours of profound introspection, he slowly regressed back into the stages of reality. The energy that he extended throughout the boundless limits of his body and mind slowly reverted back into the physical confines. He became attuned to his bodily sensations and to the physical stimuli around him. When he completely returned to himself, he felt more centered, ordered and rested.
Spock opened his eyes and instantly faced intense hazel eyes staring back.
_________________________
Spock's heart skipped a beat.
The control he had regained a moment ago faltered.
Spock did not expect to stare into the eyes of the one person who had the capability to exonerate emotions from him so easily. He tried to will his facial expression to one of passivity, but could not detain his angular eyebrow from lifting, which gave Kirk the indication that his presence was acknowledged.
"Spock." Kirk’s voice sounded too eager, too forceful. There was a heaviness in Kirk's voice that was almost too much for the Vulcan.
Spock closed his eyes and realized that he could have easily never heard his name uttered by the man sitting in front of him again. He opened his eyes and looked to his Captain. He noticed that Kirk's eyes had softened, a minuscule smile had began to form on the his lips, but Spock still noticed the lines of concern visible on his face.
Spock once again closed his eyes and gave in to the relief of having his Captain back safely. He did not anticipate the hand that tentatively landed on his shoulder, but nonetheless accepted it, and allowed the warmth of the touch hum throughout his body.
Spock opened his eyes again and saw Kirk's ever expressive face stare back at him.
“I…,” Kirk paused, “I wanted to thank you, Spock,” Kirk spoke with a low voice, his eyes focused on the hand he held Spock with, “It’s funny… I knew you were going to find me Spock. You always do. I wasn’t afraid, because of you, I wasn’t afraid,” Kirk’s voice dwindled to barely a whisper, as if he were speaking to himself. As if he did not want to speak too loudly and scare Spock away with his abrupt human sentimentality.
Spock did not respond immediately. Instead he had noticed the proximity between his Captain and himself. Kirk was sitting on his knees in front of him and was exactly 10.2 inches away, his hand was still anchored on his shoulder. He also became aware of the scent that came off his Captain. It was a scent that was distinctly his; fresh soap mixed with his natural masculine musk. He unconsciously inhaled, pulling Kirk’s air around him.
Spock had not realized that his gaze had averted from Kirk's face and down his body. He found himself once again inspecting the Captain for any injuries or anything that seemed out of the ordinary. Spock's eyes slowly lifted upward, he inspected his jaw, lips, nose, cheekbones, lastly, his gaze landed on Kirk's eyes.
There was a language Spock spoke through his eyes, in which no one seemed to understand except for Kirk. Spock realized early on that Kirk could correctly perceive what he was thinking... and feeling. In the beginning, it had unnerved him to his core that someone could read him so well, that someone was able to read through his carefully coordinated facials, almost as if he were transparent. Kirk had once mentioned that his eyes were what gave him away. Spock had believed him of course, knowing that Kirk revealed much through his hazel eyes as well.
Only then did he realize that he had not responded. He had stared and inspected the man in front of him for 2.8 minutes in complete silence. He saw that Kirk was intently staring back, his glistening eyes staring at his neck, jaw, lips and to his complete bewilderment - his ears.
Another minute passed. Spock needed time to articulate his response. To his astonishment, he was having difficulty in separating emotion from rationality. Spock noted the patience Kirk emitted.
“Captain, I… ” Spock began.
“Jim. Spock, please call me Jim,” Kirk interrupted Spock, his eyes still intent on the Vulcan.
“Jim.” Spock said his name softly, it rang natural and right in his ears, “Jim, in the future, please do not feel compelled in voicing gratitude in saving your life,” Spock meant to stop, but the words overflowed, uncontrolled and unabridged , “Thanking me is equivalent to thanking me to breathe. It is not logical. It just is. You are my friend. The absence of your presence by my side seems inconceivable”. Spock’s voice was almost at a whisper, but it resonated with heavy certainty. Spock was Vulcan, therefore he could not lie. Even if he desired to, he knew with all certainty, he was not capable of lying to Jim.
That's when he saw it…
Spock noted the sudden internal change in Kirk. He saw Kirk’s gaze transition from one of utter tenderness and awe, to one of sudden fierce and raw determination. Spock recognized the look… it was one that Kirk usually reserved for battle. His eyes dilated, his muscles locked up, his mouth set into a hard and thin line. The erratic and unpredictable emotional transitions Spock witnessed from his Captain still took him by surprise. Spock recognized that Kirk was a man of deep passions, yet he was sometimes left transfix by the human’s volatile emotional transgressions.
Then it happened ...
Spock had not expected the body to collide so hard against his.
He had not expected for Kirk's arms to vigorously encompass his body.
He had not expected Kirk's face to find its place between his shoulder and neck.
He had not expected for the embrace so feel so right.
Nonetheless, Spock was frozen.
“Spock.” Kirk’s voice was muffled and desperate. Spock felt his lips move between the skin buried in his neck. He felt Kirk tighten his embrace even more.
Spock was stunned at the physical embrace that Kirk initiated. What alarmed him even more was how comfortable he felt. Spock became aware of how much he did not want to let go.
Kirk had never shied away from touches, even in the beginning of his captaincy. What started off as small and light touches eventually evolved into stronger and confident embraces. To Spock, his touch was the only one that he ever allowed and eventually welcomed.
Spock had not expected to reciprocate the embrace. He felt Kirk’s relief. He heard a long exhale, and then felt the deep intake of breath Kirk took. Their bodies slowly began to contour to one another, and Spock felt the other’s hands tentatively caress slow soothing circles around his shoulders and upper back. Jim’s face was still buried in between his neck, his fingers continuing their deep assault.
After a few moments, both of them absorbed in the peace of their embrace, Kirk gently asked, “Are you feeling better?”, as he continued to comfort Spock.
Spock knew his question had a deeper meaning, “How did you know?” Spock responded in awe, moving his lips through the hair near Jim’s temple. His joy was over flowing in the knowledge that his Captain was alive, uninjured and in his arms.
“First off, you ended your shift early. You have never done that, even when I have suggested it in the past,” Spock could feel the smile forming in Kirk’s voice, “But it was more than that, Spock,” Kirk lifted his head and Spock saw the worry and curiosity in his eyes. “I felt you. After you left the bridge, I felt your disquiet. Almost a frustration that I knew wasn’t my own. I knew what you were feeling was more than mere physical exhaustion, Spock,” Kirk took a quick paused and his eyes made a quick evaluation up and down the Vulcan’s body. Spock realized that he had noticed the barely-there dark circles, that had began to form under his eyes. Kirk continued, as his fingers gently traced the dark circles and eventually outlined the slanted eyebrow, “I came because I wanted to make sure that you were alright. Also, to let you know that I’m alright… I’m alright, Spock,” Kirk sighed and his face returned to the comfortable place between the Vulcan’s neck and shoulder and inhaled the sweet and spiced scent that radiated from Spock.
Spock did not move from the embrace. He realized that he felt content in Jim’s arms. Right then, he recognized that there had been a longing that he never wanted to acknowledge ...If Spock was honest with himself (and it was only logical that he was), he then understood that he had purposely entombed himself in willful ignorance. He had suppressed such yearning for intimacy, and choose not to see what was clearly in front of him. What he had desired for years now, which was Kirk.
“What are you thinking about?” Kirk lifted his face to look up at Spock, his eyes tender and confident, “...before you answer that…” Kirk continued before Spock could answer, “...Can we move this conversation to more comfortable place?” Kirk asked. Spock noticed that his Captain was experiencing discomfort from kneeling on the starship's unforgiving floor.
“Yes,” Spock simply replied. He arose with his usual Vulcan grace. Kirk reached his hands out to be helped up by the Vulcan. Spock followed Kirk’s lead as he left the medication alcove into Spock’s bedroom. He then proceeded to sit on the Vulcan’s bed and leaned against the bed’s headrest, Kirk’s hand then padded the space next to him. Spock was slightly startled, he had not expected the Captain to take to the bed, but he knew that if there was anyone that he was utterly and completely comfortable with, it was with him. He took his seat on the bed, Spock relaxed and leaned his head onto the headrest. The bed was standard size, therefore small and unavoidable but to be close in proximity. He was surprised when he felt his hand being taken and entwined with Kirk’s. Spock knew Jim was well aware of Vulcan hand decorum and the intimacy expressed through their hands. Their bodies once again naturally contoured, their shoulders and thighs pressed together. Through their hands, Spock could sense the feelings that emanated from Kirk, he felt the love, hope and certainty that was flowing from him.
Spock knew he had to speak, “Ca-, Jim. I must confess something I have recently become aware of.” His head turned as he faced his Captain, and saw his soft eyes, full of affection and longing. Spock knew that he had very little control of his facial expressions at the moment, but felt unconcerned, because he was certain that the affection he displayed was undoubtedly returned by the man sitting next to him.
“It seems we have much to discuss, Spock.” Kirk’s warm and glistening eyes stared at Spock.
“Indeed, we do”
_________________________
Kirk relaxed, leaned back into the bed’s bulkhead and took a second to appreciate the moment that was currently unraveling. Not in his wildest dreams had he thought this moment would ever be possible. Never did he dare to imagine the Vulcan next to him would return his feelings or desires.
“Jim, there is a link that I have been aware of for 2.53 months…” Spock continued… his voice sounded further away, but he heard him crystal clear, as if Spock’s voice was emanating from somewhere deep in his mind. He became mindful that he wasn’t just aware of what Spock was saying, but he was attuned to what the Vulcan was feeling…
Still leaning his head against the bedframe, with his eyes closed, Kirk took a deep breath and smiled.
Suddenly, the possibilities seemed endless.