Work Text:
Myungjun has learned three very important things in the last few months.
The first is that pure, unadulterated happiness is temporary. It was something many people had told him throughout his life, but he hadn't really listened, insisted that happiness could last as long as a person wanted it to; insisted that his own happiness was directly related to his attitude. Myungjun was the sun, or so everyone said, and the sun couldn't be sad, could it?
Apparently it could, or rather, Myungjun now knew it could. He hadn't listened when Dongmin had warned him to be careful, to not give his heart away so fully. In short, Myungjun had been foolish; he had been completely in love and too swept up in everything that came with being in love to care.
The second thing he's learned is that love alone can't save a relationship; that you can love someone with every fibre of your being, more than you love even the most important things to your heart, and that love still might fail.
Myungjun hates thinking of it as failure, what had happened, but that's what it was in his mind. Minhyuk insisted that he hadn't failed in any way, that letting the love of his life walk away hadn't been a failure; but Myungjun knew the truth. If soulmates were real, his had just left him with his heart in small pieces scattered across his apartment floor, and he wasn't returning any time soon to put them back together.
The third, and most important thing that he's learned is that breakups don't kill a person. No, breaking up is the easy part, if one could say there was an easy part to losing the love of your life. The part that hurts the most, that kills, is remembering.
Breakups, Myungjun has realized, don't kill, memories do.
***
"You'll be alright, Myungjun," Dongmin had smiled, "Just give it a few months."
It had been two months and thirteen days since it had happened, not that Myungjun was counting.
He wished his friend had been right, that he would wake up one day and not feel the weight of being in bed alone press on his chest, that his sleep-filled mind and body wouldn't reach for someone who was no longer there; but to no avail.
Everything reminded him of Jinwoo. His bedroom, his kitchen, his entire apartment, really, the park across the street, the coffee shop two blocks down, even his own clothing; everything.
"The beginning is always the worst," Bin had insisted during a visit, but Myungjun disagreed.
The beginning was horrible, it had been tears and excruciating heartache and not wanting to get out of bed. (And Myungjun didn't, for almost a week, before his friends had come over and forced him to function for a few hours.)
But the ending, if Myungjun could hold onto the hope that it really was the ending, was even worse, because Myungjun was numb. He didn't cry anymore, and he no longer felt the physical pain in his chest, and he was back to some kind of normal routine, but everything was wrong.
Life, it seemed, was nothing without Park Jinwoo; and the thought scared Myungjun to death.
Dongmin was worried about him, and Bin was worried about him, Minhyuk was worried about him, and even Sanha, though Myungjun wished he wasn't, was worried about him; because Myungjun wasn't himself. He wasn't constantly smiling, and even when he did smile it didn't quite reach his eyes, his laugh was less joyful and much less frequent; he didn't even really leave his apartment anymore, choosing to stay inside on the couch or in bed.
Myungjun was alive, of course, but he felt as though he might be dying.
The only living he did anymore was in his head, when he ventured into the part of his brain that held every memory, every second he had spent with Jinwoo.
The memories mainly came in waves, when he walked by certain places or saw certain objects, even sometimes when he heard certain songs or watched certain tv shows and movies. His friends tried to cheer him up, to take him places to "have fun" as they put it, and Myungjun truly appreciated the effort, but their attempts were fruitless.
No amount of coffee shop visits, bowling alleys, ice cream parlours, or karaoke could fill the Jinwoo sized hole in Myungjun's heart. In reality, each place held a memory of Jinwoo which hurt more than it helped, and Myungjun couldn't bring himself to destroy the hope his friends had when they took him out and he forced a smile onto his face.
This inability to see the disappointed looks he knows would cross their faces is what brought Myungjun here, to the bowling alley, for the third Friday in a row.
"MJ, it's your turn!" Sanha was excited, as usual, he loved bowling nearly as much as he loved french fries, despite the fact that he sucked at it.
He was currently in last place, trailing only a few points behind Dongmin, who sucked nearly as bad as Sanha did. Minhyuk and Bin constantly fought for first place, and Myungjun fell directly in the middle.
He stands up to take his turn, grasping a bowling ball and sliding his fingers into the three holes. The ball is yellow and surprisingly light, and Myungjun assumes that it's the ball Sanha had picked out due to it's weight. He rolls it down the lane, watching it with his head tilted as it knocks down four of the ten pins sitting at the other end.
He moves to retrieve a second ball before Sanha is on top of him, "You can get a spare now. Here's a ball, make sure you put it down the centre of that side, okay? You've got this!"
Myungjun isn't sure how Sanha can give him advice when half of his balls go into the gutter but feels himself nodding nonetheless, standing at the end of the lane and rolling the ball down it again. He has half a mind to watch it, but based on his friends' shouts and applause can guess that he probably got the spare Sanha was talking about.
He sits back down at the table and forces a smile onto his face, seeing Dongmin visibly relax as he stands up to take his turn. Bin is telling some story about a girl in one of his classes and Myungjun hears none of it. The sounds of balls crashing against pins, arcade machines, and pop music which is way too old send him to that place in his head where Jinwoo is still apart of his life.
"I'm gonna do it backwards, between my legs!"
Jinwoo turns around and faces the group, excited giggles falling from both Sanha and Myungjun's lips.
"You'll miss." Minhyuk takes the game too seriously, only worried about making sure he wins, or at least ties, for first place.
"Let him miss then, he's barely beating me!" Bin shoots Jinwoo a thumbs up from his seat in Dongmin's lap, too lazy to retrieve a chair from the table next to theirs.
Jinwoo rolls the ball down the lane, whipping around quickly to watch it approach the pins. The ball hits the pin in the very centre, sending every single one of the others to the ground.
Myungjun watches his boyfriend carefully, paying close attention to the smile playing on his lips and the way his newly dyed hair looks effortlessly nice, as if he hadn't put any time into doing it even though Myungjun knew he had spent half an hour placing each strand in the perfect place.
Jinwoo jumps into the air in delight, shrieking loud enough to earn him some dirty looks from some of the other people in the bowling alley. He quickly makes his way back to the table, grabbing the sides of Myungjun's face and pressing a kiss to his lips in celebration before he can react. Myungjun giggles as his boyfriend pulls away, sticking his tongue out at both Minhyuk and Bin and accepting Sanha's praise over how good he is.
Jinwoo sits down in the chair next to Myungjun, whose turned sideways in order to face the lane, and wraps his arms around him from behind, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
They sit comfortably, listening to Bin tease Sanha about how much he sucks and watching as the boy confirms Bin's statement by sending both of his balls directly into the gutter. He returns to the table with a pout playing on his lips and all of them giggle at him.
"I'll beat him for you, Sanha." Minhyuk's promise makes Bin roll his eyes and scoff, "As if you can beat me."
"Watch me," Minhyuk replies, stepping up to the lane to take his turn. Everyone laughs, knowing Jinwoo is going to beat both of them by at least 30 points, but their banter continues up until the very last shot.
"If you get a strike I'll give you a prize," Jinwoo giggles out as Myungjun leaves the table to take his turn.
"Is it you?" Myungjun teases, "I only want the prize if it's you."
Sanha mutters out a gross and Bin rolls his eyes for the millionth time as Myungjun giggles at Jinwoo's red cheeks. He rolls the ball he had picked up down the lane and hopes for the best, letting out an excited yelp when all of the pins fall down.
"I did it, Jinwoo, what's my prize?" Myungjun has a smug look on his face when he returns to his boyfriend, whose eyes are wide in surprise.
"Your prize is a kiss, come here." Jinwoo pats his lap with a laugh as Dongmin stands up to take his final turn.
"I was hoping for something a little better, I get kisses all the time," Myungjun jokes as he sits down and wraps his arms around Jinwoo's neck.
"Really? What could possibly be better than a kiss?" Jinwoo's nose is scrunched slightly and his arms have wound their way around Myungjun's waist.
Myungjun opens his mouth to reply when one of Jinwoo's hands comes over his lips, "On second thought, don't answer that."
He giggles into the hand covering the bottom half of his face while his boyfriend shakes his head at him. "I could tell by the look in your eyes where that was going and Sanha is too young for his innocence to be corrupted by you."
"Fine," Myungjun answers when Jinwoo finally drops his hand, "Can I at least get my kiss then?"
Jinwoo smiles at him widely, leaning his head up and connecting their lips together in a sweet kiss, pulling away quickly to Myungjun's discontent. He lets out a whine and Jinwoo giggles, sealing their lips together once more.
"Myungjun." Minhyuk's voice snaps him back to reality, to the world where he's sat, alone, and supposed to be watching his friends bowl.
"Hmm?" It's barely audible, and Myungjun reaches for his drink in order to busy himself.
"We just finished the last round, we were talking about going to get some food. You in?" Sanha's eyes are wide, expectant, and Myungjun can tell that if he says no it'll only worry his already worried friends more. Normally, that would make him feel guilty, guilty enough to give in and go but he surprises himself by shaking his head.
"I'm tired, I think I just wanna go home and get to bed." He forces a smile after he says it, sees Sanha's shoulders drop in disappointment and Bin's lips turn down in a frown. He nearly takes it back, debates going just so that they'll stop looking at him like they are, pity playing across each one of their gazes.
Dongmin is the first to react, smiling back at him and nodding his head, "We'll walk you home." The rest of them agree, all of them gathering their stuff and returning their shoes at the counter before making their way out the door.
Bin's hand finds it's way into Dongmin's as they walk slightly ahead of Myungjun, and he can hear Sanha giggling behind him at whatever Minhyuk is saying.
Jealousy claws it's way up his throat, nearly spills from his lips in a bitter remark before he can stop it. He misses being the one with a hand to hold, misses laughing to every stupid joke Jinwoo had; he even misses having someone to walk beside down the sidewalk.
He doesn't blame his friends at all, however, understands what it's like to be in their position. Dongmin and Bin are in love, it's evident in the way they look at each other, the way they act when they're apart, and even when they're together. He's happy for them, knows how long they waited for the right time and how they finally seem to have found it. Myungjun even understands Sanha and Minhyuk, can tell that they'll end up together any day now. Minhyuk's eagerness to do anything he possibly can for Sanha, the comfort with which Sanha cuddles next to Minhyuk on the couch; it all points to the feelings he knows they have for each other.
Myungjun hates how well he understands them, hates that his relationship fell through his fingers. Sanha had consistently told him that him and Jinwoo were "relationship goals", he wondered if they still were now.
They arrive back at his apartment quickly, and Myungjun smiles at his friends as he bids them goodnight.
"Don't forget, karaoke tomorrow, okay?" Bin's expression is hard to read, but Myungjun smiles anyways, ignores the sinking feeling in his chest. "Of course, meet here at 8:00?"
Sanha claps his hands together with a squeal, wraps his arms around Myungjun in a hug, "See you tomorrow, sleep well."
Minhyuk offers him a smile, places a hand on his shoulder, reminds Myungjun that he's there. "Night, MJ."
He barely hears Dongmin and Bin say goodbye, barely notices when he reaches his apartment door. Myungjun doesn't notice much at all until he lays down in bed, takes up as much room with his body as he possibly can.
"What are you doing, Myungjun?" Jinwoo's voice carries across the room from where he's standing by the door.
Myungjun giggles, spreading his arms even wider if it were possible, "I'm keeping your spot warm."
Jinwoo laughs at his boyfriend, closes the bedroom door and turns out the lights. He walks around the bed, looks down at Myungjun until he slides out of the way.
"I'm so glad I have someone to keep my spot warm." He reaches out for Myungjun with his hands, pulls him closer despite all of his protests.
"You're freezing." Myungjun tries to escape Jinwoo's grasp, pulls against his grip as whines fall from his lips.
"Isn't that why you're here?" He teases, "To warm me up?" His hands slide underneath Myungjun's t-shirt, laughs escaping him as Myungjun shrieks at the touch.
"Please, Jinwoo."
Jinwoo laughs again, pulls his hands back from their place underneath the material and pulls Myungjun into his chest. " I love you, you know that?"
Myungjun's smile pretty much lights up the dark bedroom, reflected by the streetlight which shines into the window. "I love you too."
Myungjun curls in on himself in bed, wraps his hands around his knees and tucks them as far into his chest as he can. He falls asleep and wakes up in the same position, barely convinces himself out of bed for breakfast and to get ready.
It isn't until 7:30, when Dongmin arrives at his apartment, that Myungjun does anything productive aside from eating and showering.
"You're early." Myungjun regards his friend suspiciously, assumes that he's only here to see if Myungjun had gotten ready yet, and to make sure he hasn't been on his couch all day.
"I thought I'd come hang out for a bit." Dongmin passes through the doorway by narrowly ducking under Myungjun's arm.
"Where's Bin?" Myungjun closes the door, follows Dongmin to the couch and sits down next to him, playing the drama he had been watching from where he'd left off.
"Binnie? At his apartment I'm assuming? He'll be here at 8:00."
"Oh. Alright, well, I'm just watching this drama." Myungjun brings his knees to his chest and tucks them under his chin. He feels small, wishes he felt smaller, small enough to disappear or something so that he wouldn't have to be where he is.
"How are you? Like," Dongmin pauses and takes a breath, "How are you?"
Myungjun's heart beats a little faster and the palms of his hands start to sweat, "I'm fine, Dongmin." He forces a smile, tries to somehow convince the one friend who knows too much for his own good that everything is okay, that Myungjun isn't worried he'll never feel okay again.
"I don't believe that Myungjun, you're not okay I can tell; just talk to me." Myungjun feels his cheeks heat up, feels slight anger rise in his chest at his friend. He didn't need Dongmin to lecture him about opening up, or talking, or anything else of the sort.
"If you came over here early so that you could lecture me about talking to you, I don't want to hear it."
Dongmin doesn't respond, he turns his attention to his phone, likely texting Bin or one of the other guys.
The half hour goes by too slowly, the drama playing doing nothing to repair the awkward silence. Neither Myungjun or Dongmin say a word until Minhyuk and Sanha arrive at 8:00 as promised. They wait ten minutes for Bin, who got held up because of a late bus, before beginning the walk to the karaoke bar which luckily isn't too far from Myungjun's apartment.
Myungjun has walked the same streets a hundred times, sat in the window of the coffeeshop on the way with Jinwoo too many times to count, told jokes and acted like an idiot outside too many of the shops for Jinwoo's laugh and smile to not echo in his ears as they walk by every one.
"Watch this!" Myungjun runs ahead of his boyfriend, steps up onto the curb outside the windows of the store and poses in front of the mannequins standing behind him.
Jinwoo laughs loudly, pulls his phone out of his pocket and begins taking pictures of him, giggling and taking a new photo each time Myungjun strikes a new pose.
Someone who walks by mumbles something about them being cute and Myungjun hops down from the curb.
"Did you hear that, Jinwoo? Apparently we're cute."
"You're cute," Jinwoo replies, wraps his hands around Myungjun's back and pulls him into his chest despite the laughs erupting from him.
"Here," Myungjun wiggles out of his grasp and begins leading the way back to his apartment, turning around every once in a while to strike a new pose or shoot Jinwoo a different look.
The walk is a game of catch up, and each time Jinwoo thinks he might finally reach Myungjun, Myungjun takes a few extra steps. He continues taking photos of him, eventually opting to just take a video of his adorable boyfriend. He finally does catch him when they turn the corner to his building, traps him against the wall and presses his lips to nearly every part of Myungjun's face he can.
Myungjun finds himself outside the karaoke bar by the time he finally tunes back into the conversation his friends are having.
"Myungjun are you excited?" Sanha is nearly jumping up and down, excited squeaks falling from his lips as he talks a mile a minute about each song he wants to do.
Myungjun smiles at his youngest friend, tries to make it believable, "Yeah, I can't wait." He hopes he sounds as excited as he intends to and is convinced that he must when Sanha's face doesn't fall. They wait 15 minutes for a room to open up, and quickly shuffle into it the second they're told they can.
Sanha and Minhyuk immediately begin scrolling through the songs and choosing which ones they want to do and shouting out any good ones they find.
"Me and Dongminnie are gonna go get drinks, do you want anything?" Bin sits beside Myungjun on the couch and watches Minhyuk and Sanha with him.
"Just a water if you guys don't mind." Myungjun shoots him a quick smile and crosses one of his legs over the other.
"Of course," Bin smiles widely at him, "We'll be right back, you should go check out some of the songs."
"I will." Myungjun stands up and walks over to Minhyuk and Sanha like he's told, looks over their shoulders as they scroll down the list and agrees each time they talk about a song they have to sing.
Sanha sings the most of them all, is hesitant to pass the mic to someone else until Bin forcibly takes it from his hands.
"MJ, you have a turn!" Bin offers him the mic before Myungjun can decline and Sanha is picking a song for him to sing without letting him give input.
The opening of You Were Beautiful by DAY6 filters through the speakers and Myungjun nearly chokes, unsure of if Sanha was trying to play some kind of cruel trick on him. When everyone beams around at one another and begins singing the first line into the sole mic left, Myungjun sings along.
"Let's do TT by Twice!" Jinwoo rushes to grab a mic and allows Bin to scroll through the list of songs and find the one he wanted. As the first notes of the song begin playing Jinwoo and Minhyuk start dancing along.
The two worst singers of their friend group begin shouting the lyrics, only stopping when the chorus comes around so that they can properly do the dance.
Myungjun laughs along with the rest of his friends at them, lightly pushes at Jinwoo's back as he dances, causing his boyfriend to turn around and grasp at his hands.
"What do you think you're doing, come sing with us!" He pulls Myungjun to his feet and begins singing loudly. Myungjun isn't even sure Jinwoo is singing the words to TT anymore but sings along anyways, allowing Jinwoo to spin him in circles as he giggles loudly.
The night is mainly spent with Jinwoo maintaining eye contact with him as he sings various love songs. Myungjun does the same, and he's pretty sure that if Bin tells them to get a room one more time he's going to kick him.
"Myungjun, you're crying?" Sanha's voice is much closer than Myungjun remembers it being and he finds his friend standing directly in front of him.
"Oh. I'm fine, Sanha, don't worry." His eyes trail over the various worried expressions adorning his friends' faces and sits down on the couch in the back of the room.
"Myungjun, I love you, but if you don't start telling the truth then I swear I will kick your ass." He jumps when Minhyuk swears at him, glances at his friends who are nodding along, various smiles playing at their lips.
"I, umm," he pauses, takes a deep breath as tears begin trailing down his cheeks, "I miss Jinwoo, a lot. And, and I thought that it would get better and I think it should be getting better but it's not. I thought, I thought the breakup would be the worst part, but, but the worst part is remembering him. He's, he's everywhere and I can't do anything without, without wishing he was still here."
Myungjun's voice cracks at the end of his sentence and he really doesn't know how he ended up crying at a karaoke bar in front of all of his friends.
"MJ." Myungjun thinks Sanha might be crying, and he feels the couch on either side of him dip as people sit down. Immediately two sets of arms wrap around him and hold tightly to his frame.
"It'll be okay," Minhyuk's voice comes from his other side, "Right now it'll suck, and it'll suck for a long time, but it will get better."
"Minhyuk is right," Dongmin adds from in front of him, "You were with Jinwoo for nearly three years, it's going to take more than a couple months to get over him."
Myungjun nods his head and wipes his eyes, sniffling a few times. "I wish it didn't hurt so much."
His voice is small and Bin breaks the silence which follows Myungjun's statement, "That's why we've been doing stuff with you, we're trying to distract you just for a few hours at a time. You don't have to hurt by yourself."
For the first time in over two months, Myungjun smiles, a genuine smile which shocks everyone standing in the room.
"I love you guys so much." Various voices mumble it back and the hole which had been ever present in Myungjun's chest gets a little bit smaller.
Memories have been killing Myungjun for two months; he thinks it's time he makes some new ones.