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Yuuri wakes up in his childhood bedroom, blinks back the sleep from his eyes, rolls over and wraps himself in a blanket to block out the lights filtering in through the blinds. The familiar sounds of the onsen drift into his room: guests moving about, different languages being spoken, the pipes whistling as the pools are drained and filled. It’s all so familiar, so easy to slip back into his old life here, like the past five years were just a fever dream drifting towards the edge of his subconscious.
Seven a.m.,
The garbage truck beeps as it backs up
And I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away.
Could I push rewind?
The credits traverse signifying the end but I missed the best part.
Could we please go back to start?
It's always hardest first thing in the day, when he wakes from his dreams filled with ivory skin and silver hair and warmth - always the memory of warmth - only to find himself alone again. He has to remind himself that this was his choice, that this is what he wanted.
Forgive my indecision
Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side.
But then again, a day will come when I want off that ride.
Of course he misses Victor, wonders what he's doing each day, how his training is going, if he's happy, what trouble Makka has gotten into lately. But Yuuri knows what he wants, and he knows what Victor wants, and sometimes you can't make two peoples wants align. Better to cut it off now before things go too far, before Victor sacrifices more of himself for Yuuri only to have Yuuri buckle under the pressure and want to retire again.
Yuuri spends the morning in his room, scrolling through social media, playing video games, reading manga. He hasn’t been to Castle Hasetsu since he came back, can’t bring himself to step onto the ice he abandoned. He knows it will all come flooding back and he’s just not ready for that, doesn’t know when he’ll ever be.
Eleven a.m.,
By now you would think that I would be up
But my bedsheets shade the heat of choices I've made.
And what did I find?
I never thought I could want someone so much
'Cause now you're not here and I'm knee deep in
That old fear.
His days are mostly uneventful - helping Mari around the Onsen, cooking with his Dad, greeting guests with his Mom. Sometimes he goes to Minako’s studio and dances out his feelings until he’s a panting exhausted mess and even then it isn’t enough to get it all out, to forget.
It's been three months and he still can't shake the thoughts of what if , can't help but wonder if he made the right choice. Before Victor, Yuuri always thought he'd be alone, never let himself get too attached. But Victor showed him love, showed him something worth more than a gold medal. Hell, it's a good thing he retired when he did, the only way to go after having Victor as your coach is down.
Forgive my indecision... I am only a man
Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side.
But then again, a day will come when I want off that ride.
He knows he’s selfish, that he gave up the idea of “us” so he could meet his own needs without having to compromise, without having to weigh his own desires against another person's and decide which was more important. The thing is relationships, any relationship, is work. A lot of work. And as much as Yuuri cares about Victor, he knows that eventually he’s going to grow resentful, is going to push Victor away when he smothers him because Yuuri is never going to be the partner that wants constant contact. Yuuri is the partner that gets touched out, that retreats into his own mind when he’s upset, the partner that needs a few weeks alone without human contact every once in awhile and Victor, sweet loving Victor, won’t get that. He’ll take it as a sign he did something wrong, that Yuuri doesn’t love him. And so he’ll latch on, try to woo him, try to pull him out of his shell and all that’s going to do is cause Yuuri to retreat further. They’re going to get stuck in that same old push and pull, that constant struggle of I hate you don’t leave me and when it’s all too much, when the card house they’ve built together comes crashing down they’ll both be worse for wear because of it.
He knows that things would have crashed and burned because that’s how all of his relationships have gone, because Yuuri always finds a way to sabotage things when they’re going too well. And yet, even so, he still wonders if maybe this could have been different if he’d let it. If hadn’t walked away, if he’d answered Victor’s calls those first few weeks, if he’d responded to his letters the past few months.
Twelve pm and my dusty telephone rings.
Heavy head up from my pillow, who could it be?
I hope it's you.
It’s almost midnight when his phone buzzes beneath his pillow. Normally he’d ignore it, but something claws at his mind, screams at him to answer, so he pulls it out, lets his blurry vision adjust until the screen comes into focus. It’s a message from Yuko. There’s no text, no explanation, just a link. He clicks on it expecting a news article, or maybe even an interview.
Instead he sees a rink, a single figure standing in the middle. When the music starts his heart starts to beat erratically and his pulse is hammering in his ears because this is his song, and out on the ice Victor is moving so beautifully, so gracefully and he’s never seen him skate like this, so honestly. When he strikes the final pose and points to the camera the video ends. Yuuri scrolls down, sees it’s posted on Victor’s official account. He doesn’t bother to read the comments, knows from experience that’s only going to cause him pain, but he can’t help but read the description.
[Victor Nikiforov] Tried to Skate Yuuri’s FS [Yuri On Ice]
The ice is cold without you.
His hands move before his mind can catch up, and it isn’t until the second ring that he realizes he’s calling that all too familiar number, the one he’d been ignoring for months. There’s a third ring, and then a fourth. He’s about to hang up when the distinct click comes through the line and for a second he forgets to breath because he can hear heavy breathing on the other side and he knows as soon as he hears that voice all the walls he built are going to come crashing back down. Then again, maybe he wants them to.
“Yuuri? Did you see it?” His voice is strained and timid, the words come out as barely a whisper. For a second Yuuri considers hanging up but he knows he can’t bail now, can’t do that to Victor when he sounds so damn hopeful.
“Yeah Vitya, I saw you.” He keeps his tone flat, doesn’t give anything away, doesn’t want to get his hopes up just to crush them again.
“And?” It’s a simple question, but that one word has such much behind it, so much sadness and longing and Yuuri can hear it dripping with fear.
“I’m glad.” Yuuri knows he should leave it there, should say thank you and hang up and leave what little peace there is between them but he’s selfish, and he’s never been great at giving up on what he wants. Yuuri thinks that maybe there’s still hope to fix things, that maybe he doesn’t want to be alone after all. The problem is he knows he’s fickle, that he could change his mind next week and it’ll break Victor’s heart, but that knowledge is not enough to keep him from whispering, “I miss you.”
He doesn’t miss the sound of breath hitching on the other end, the muffled sobs coming through the phone. When he finally calms down he says the words Yuuri desperately wants to hear, the same ones he’s so afraid of.
“I miss you too.”
He only hopes Victor knows what he’s getting himself into.
Forgive my indecision... I am only a man
Then again, you're always first when no one's on your side.
But then again, the day has come and I want off that ride.