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Their friendship has been good. It's been working out, for the most part. Sure... they hit a bump in the road when Alex kissed her. When Alex pulled her back and their lips met, and it took Maggie's breath away. Sure, Maggie went home that night and couldn't stop touching her lips, couldn't stop thinking of how fucking perfect that felt, couldn't stop thinking of how much she wanted Alex. Sure, Maggie drowned her feelings away, drowned her guilt away with a bottle of whiskey on her couch as tears fell down her face as she thought about how much she hurt Alex. But Alex was too good, and Maggie was too damaged, and if she really lov--liked Alex as much as she thought she did, well than she was doing her a favor by not subjecting her to the messed up, work-obsessed, emotionally detached Maggie Sawyer. So Maggie stuck to her guns. She never confessed her feelings, she didn't crack, and she was patient with Alex. She told her she was there for her, she told her the truth - she couldn't imagine her life without Alex in it - and eventually Alex came around. And it was good. Their friendship, it's okay.
It's okay...until it's not. It's okay until about three months in to their new rekindled friendship when Alex and her both start getting completely comfortable with each other again, until that natural, free-flowing chemistry comes back. It's okay until Alex starts talking to her about girls and Maggie's insides knot up at the thought of somebody else's hands on her. It's okay until Alex asks if they can go to a gay bar together. And as much as she doesn't want to, as much as she doesn't want to see that, she agrees. Because it's Alex. And god, she will do anything for Alex.
"Come on Sawyer, who else is going to go with me? We can check it out next weekend" Alex pleaded with those big brown eyes and a hopeful smile. God, she's so beautiful.
"I don't know, you're sure you even want to go? It doesn't seem like your scene"
"Maggie, I'm gay and I want to meet girls, how could it not be my scene"
Maggie felt it again, her stomach flip. Someone twist her insides in every which direction. She kind of wants to cry out of frustration, she kind of wants to walk out of the bar and yell, scream to let out her feelings, she kind of wants to kiss Alex and never let go, but she doesn't. She shrugs her shoulders.
"Fine Danvers, I'll go with you"
***********************************
Alex looked good. She always looks good, no matter what she's wearing. But tonight she looked really good. Low cut white blouse, black leather jacket, tight black skinny jeans, and that smile. She looked so Alex. She looked so perfect.
"I'm nervous" Alex said with a small smile as she walked up to Maggie outside the bar.
Maggie smiled, letting out a huff of a laugh. "We could always go to our usual place, we don't have to do this"
"No! No I want to, I just...I don't know how to do this. I don't know how this works. And what if...what if nobody's..."
Maggie looked at her hesitance, looked at her expression as she saw her mind going a million miles a minute. "What if nobody's interested in you? Is that what you were going to say?"
Alex nodded shyly, relieved that she didn't have to say it. Maggie closed the gap between them, taking both of Alex's hands and giving them a reassuring squeeze. "Alex, you can have any girl in that bar. You're going to walk in there and girls are going to fawn over you. You're...you're beautiful Alex". Alex looked at her with that look. That look she gets from her every once in a while. That suspicious, why would you say that look. That why would you look at me like that look. That what aren't you saying look. Before Alex could say anything, Maggie broke the silence. "So you ready?"
She was right. Every girl in that bar wanted Alex. They wanted Maggie too, of course, her beautiful brown wavy hair, her perfect tan skin and those jeans that showed off her assets. But the scowl Maggie had on her face the whole night kept the girls far away. But not Alex, no - Alex was chatting it up with girl after girl. She started to get more comfortable, she started to get more confident, and by the end of the night she had a handful of phone numbers to add to her phone. Maggie eyed them up, one after the other. None of them would be good enough for Alex. The first one was too loud, Alex would have eventually gotten too annoyed by her, Maggie thought. The second girl wouldn't shut up about herself. Doesn't she care about what Alex has to say? Is she ever going to let Alex get a word in? The third girl was too forward. She just met her five minutes ago! If she puts her hand on Alex's knee one more time I swear to god...
"Hey, Maggie?"
Maggie was thrown from her thoughts, looking over at Alex who was trying to now get her attention.
"We have to leave soon, right? You have that thing in the morning?"
Maggie didn't have anything in the morning. They didn't even come together. But Alex wanted to leave, and Maggie was so relieved she didn't care."Yeah, yeah I do have that thing in the morning. We should probably head out, I'll close our tab"
She signaled over to the bartender, signing her credit card slip while she saw Alex shuffle her leather jacket over her shoulders out of the corner of her eye and heard a polite well it was really nice meeting you!
They walked out together, talking about the girls who came up throughout the night. Alex smiled, admitting she kind of loved it, she loved meeting new girls, she loved feeling like herself. Maggie smiled a sad smile because as much as she hated watching it, it was so nice to see Alex happy. Even if it hurt. They said their goodbyes, and Alex thanked her for everything, and Maggie went home that night and got drunk.
**********************************
The two pulled up together two weeks later, ready to give the bar another shot. It was Alex that asked to, of course, as Maggie never wanted to see Alex around another girl ever again. One night at that place was enough for her, but yet again Alex won her over because Alex gets what Alex wants when it come to Maggie.
They took Maggie's bike; she had to be at work early the next morning and offered to be the one to drive them as she wouldn't be drinking anyway. They parked in the alleyway, Maggie putting both helmets on the bike as Alex started to hop up and down. "I'm so excited!"
Maggie rolled her eyes playfully, "This isn't Disneyland Danvers"
"Might as well be" Alex grinned
"What exactly are you looking to get out of this Alex, I don't get it"
The two started walking towards the entrance as Alex remained silent, thinking. She let out a long breath after a moment. "I think...I want a girlfriend. I think I deserve a girlfriend"
"Deserve a girlfriend?" Maggie mused
"Yeah" Alex said modestly, shrugging her shoulders. "I spent my whole life alone, you know? I mean I always had my family, I had Kara, but romantically...I was always alone. And I didn't want to be, but every time I tried to date it didn't work out, I felt nothing.."
"I wonder why" Maggie interjected, smiling.
Alex laughed, "Well yeah, I mean that was the problem now wasn't it. I just...I've spent my whole life alone, I...I want somebody. I want to wrap myself around somebody when I go to sleep at night, I want someone to hold hands with. I want someone to kiss me throughout the day, at random moments, because they just can't help it"
Maggie's heart dropped into her stomach.
"I want to be with someone, I want a girlfriend to spoil and I want someone to want me back. I think...I think I deserve it"
Maggie's chest felt heavy. They approached the door, Maggie holding the door open for Alex as she smiled and walked in. You do deserve it, Maggie thought. You deserve it all.
Hours later, Alex was drunk. Very drunk. Her and Maggie were offered drinks by two blondes when they first walked up to the bar, and while Maggie only had one Alex had another, followed by another. And now, hours later, Alex Danvers was drunk. Maggie could see it in her eyes. She could see it in her smile. And god, sober Alex Danvers was irresistible enough but drunk Alex Danvers? With the goofy smile and the glossy eyes and the playfulness? Drunk Alex Danvers was absolutely adorable and undeniably irresistible. When a club song that sober Alex would never admit to liking came on, drunk Alex jumped (or fell) off the bar stool and ran towards the dance floor.
"Maggie! Come! Come dance!"
Maggie blushed, shaking her head. "No way in hell Danvers, you go ahead". She watched Alex dance to the music, surrounded by women but in her own little world. She watched the way her head carelessly fell back, how she smiled, how her body swayed to the beat. It made her laugh. Watching Alex drunk was like watching a whole different person. Agent Danvers, the strong, serious, brilliant, bad ass agent turned into the most adorable, beautiful, soft person and Maggie loved both of them, all of them, there wasn't a single version of Alex that Maggie didn't lo-like. Like. Like. As a friend.
After turning back around on her barstool one more time to sneak a glance, she saw a girl approach Alex. She was forward, too forward, and while Maggie couldn't hear a single word of their conversation she could tell by their body language that the woman wanted to dance with Alex, and Alex...didn't. She looked unsure, uncomfortable, and it was making Maggie's blood boil that the woman wasn't getting the message. She slammed her club soda on the bar and walked through the crowd, not really sure what exactly she was going to say to the woman when she finally got there. Turns out she didn't need to say anything, because once Alex's eyes met Maggie's her eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning.
"Mags!" Alex said as she put her arms around her. Maggie melted. She wasn't sure if it was because of the pet name or if it was because the genuine happiness she saw in Alex's face when she saw her, but she wrapped her arms around Alex and accepted the embrace as she gave the woman a threatening, somewhat possessive look as she peered over Alex's shoulder. Without anything needed to be said, the woman walked away with a chip on her shoulder.
"You okay?" Maggie said into Alex's ear
"Yeah I..." Alex looked back and saw the woman was gone. "Yeah...She wouldn't take no for an answer"
Maggie smiled into Alex's shoulder, still in her embrace. "Yeah I could tell"
After a moment, Maggie realized they had been in the embrace just a little longer than they should have been. She took a step back, pointing back to the bar with her thumb. "Yeah, well...I'm just gonna be-"
All of a sudden she was pulled back. It was an all too familiar moment, Maggie walking towards the bar and Alex pulling her back. This time it didn't result in a kiss. It did't result in a rejection by Maggie. It didn't result in tears. No, this time was different. This time Alex pulled Maggie back and they were face to face. Almost nose to nose. Lips just inches from each others. Maggie didn't move away, she didn't move closer, she just...stood. Part of her hoped Alex would back away, that Alex wouldn't take the leap, that Alex would ruin what they had. But the other part of her wanted Alex to lurch forward. She wanted Alex to close the gap. She wanted Alex. God, she wanted Alex. But Alex didn't move either. They stood there, inches apart, both staring and both yearning for something neither of them were willing to initiate. Finally, Alex spoke.
"Dance with me"
Maggie didn't speak, nor did she take her eyes off of Alex. She just nodded. And the next thing they knew, they were dancing. They were drunk dancing; Alex off the whiskey and Maggie off Alex. Alex was backed against Maggie, moving up and down, left and right, Maggie's breathing just got heavier and heavier as Alex moved against her and god does Maggie want her. Maggie slowly and hesitantly moved her hands on Alex's hips, sucking in a breath when Alex put her arm back and wrapped it around Maggie's neck. It was too much for Maggie to handle, Alex was so close and Alex felt so good and Maggie had been trying her absolute hardest to not ruin this friendship but Alex was sabotaging it with her movements and Maggie couldn't take it anymore. Her head next to Alex's shoulder, she breathed a hot breath into her ear.
"What are you doing to me Danvers"
Alex shuddered at the comment. She was enjoying this just as much as Maggie was, and she knew it. She saw the corner of Alex's mouth smirk, and before she knew it her hands were wrapping around Alex even further, more strong, more deliberate. Their dancing was getting more and more heated, closer, more sensual, both women getting wrapped up both each other and the moment. Alex finally spun around, once again intimately close. Their noses were now touching, just briefly, and Maggie closed her eyes. Until she heard her.
"We should get going"
Maggie opened her eyes to see Alex staring at her. She was breathing heavy, still looking at Maggie, but now a few inches away. Maggie nodded abruptly, suddenly backing away from it all as quickly as she could. "Yeah, we...I have work tomorrow, so"
Alex nodded.
The ride back was quiet, Alex's arms wrapped around Maggie's waist as they flew through the streets to Alex's apartment. They didn't hug goodbye. They barely said anything. Alex gave a quick wave, a quick thanks as she walked quickly to her door as Maggie muttered something about doing it again sometime. The next day, they both acted like it never happened. It was better that way.
***************************************
Maggie woke up to the sun in her eyes and a naked girl wrapped up in her sheets. It was almost two months later since they started going to Lips, the lesbian bar Alex begged her to go to time and time again now, and they had been a handful of times now. Alex got more and more confident, started flirting more and more, and for the first time last night Alex went home with someone.
"Maggie are you sure?"
Alex looked at her hesitantly but pleading. She had met this girl earlier in the night and didn't seem to want to talk to anyone else after that. They flirted, hands grazing knees, arms playfully pushing at each other. She made Alex laugh, like genuinely laugh. She made Alex laugh like Maggie could make her laugh. Her name was Kate, and she was pretty. She was really pretty, if Maggie was being honest with herself. She was waiting for this moment, she was scared of this moment since they started going to Lips. The moment that Alex would find someone she actually liked. The moment Alex got more confident. The moment Alex would want more.
"Sure" Maggie said, "I can take care of myself Danvers". It came out a little colder than she wanted it to, but she couldn't help that. And Alex picked up on it.
"I know you can take care of yourself, I'm just asking if you want me to stay"
Of course she wanted her to stay. She wanted her to stay there, with her, with Maggie. She wanted Alex to flirt with her. She wanted Alex's hand to graze her knee. She wanted Alex to playfully push at her shoulder. She wanted Alex to take her home. But it's not that simple, is it.
"Alex, I mean it. Go. Enjoy your night"
Alex smiled genuinely, rubbing her hand up and down Maggie's arm. "Thanks Sawer, you're the best. I'll make it up to you"
"Hey that's what friends are for, right?" Maggie felt sick as the words came out of her mouth, felt even more sick as she watched Alex spin towards Kate who was waiting by the door with a flirty grin on her face and she felt like she was definitely going to vomit as her imagination taunted her with what was to come later that night.
She spun back to the bar and ordered a shot. And then another. And then another. As girls came up to Maggie with interest offering to buy her a drink she shooed them away one at a time. Finally, towards the end of the night, she chose one.
"I have no interest in anything serious, I'm looking for a good time and that's that, okay?"
It wasn't like her to say that to a girl. Yeah, sure, Maggie had been a bit of a player in the past but she was always a gentleman gentlewoman, always treating women with respect. But tonight Maggie was cold and detached, just like she was supposed to be, just like she had been told she was, and the other woman didn't seem to mind.
"You read my mind"
Maggie wrapped herself up in a sheet as she made her way to the bathroom. Looking back she saw the slender woman in her bed with short auburn hair and decided, no, it was just a coincidence that she sort of resembled Alex. It was also a coincidence that she dressed like Alex. What wasn't a coincidence, was the fact that she said Alex's name as she came the night before.
That was an embarrassing accident.
But she's not going to bring that up.
Maggie got in the shower, the excruciatingly hot shower that filled the room with steam as she tried to both cleanse herself and cure her hangover. When she got out the girl was gone, a phone number jotted down on a piece of paper that laid on Maggie's nightstand. She threw it in the trash as she made her coffee, hating herself more than ever.
**********************************
Maggie hadn't answered Alex's texts for a week. Alex had sent her a few messages the morning after that night,that Maggie deleted before she could read them. She didn't want to know what they said. She didn't want to hear Alex gloat. She didn't want to hear how great it was, how great Kate was. Who was she kidding, she can't be Alex's friend. Halfway through the week Alex showed up at the precinct with a What the fuck, Sawyer? as a greeting rather than her usual smile and two coffees. Maggie explained she was busy, that she just hasn't had the time, that nothing's wrong, she promises. She told Alex of course she didn't do anything wrong, and of course she was still going out with them Friday night for Kara's earth birthday. Alex left less annoyed but still suspicious, and Maggie was just grateful she didn't put up as much of a fight as she thought she would.
When Friday night came, Maggie showed up fashionably late.
"There you are" Alex said relieved, "I thought you weren't showing up"
"I'm surprised you two lovebirds didn't come together" Lucy taunted.
While Alex rolled her eyes, Maggie snapped. "Lovebirds? I think you mean Alex and Kate"
While Lucy, Kara and the others looked confused more than anything, Alex looked pissed. Fuming, on fire, pissed.
"Come get drinks with me Sawyer"
Maggie didn't make eye contact as she plopped on to a chair at their table "I'm good thanks though"
"It wasn't a question" Alex muttered through her teeth. Maggie glanced up to see Alex burning holes through Maggie's body. More nervous of Alex than she's ever been before, she stood up with her tail between her legs and followed Alex to the bar.
"What the fuck was that Sawyer? What's your problem?"
"My problem?" Maggie scoffed, "I don't have a problem. Lucy has a problem, apparently she can't get it through her head that you and I are nothing more than friends"
Alex let out a sarcastic huff, rolling her eyes. "Don't worry Maggie, you've made that especially clear to everyone. I think everyone knows. Listen, my sex life? It's my business. It's not yours"
Before Maggie was able to respond Alex had spun around balancing four beers between her hands, leaving her leaning against the bar alone.
The night was tense. Alex snapping at Maggie, Maggie rolling her eyes at Alex's comments. And everyone knew it.
"Trouble in paradise?" Lucy murmured to Kara.
"I can't keep up with them anymore" Kara whispered back.
"Well I'll tell you one thing..." Lucy said suggestively, "...the angsty make-up sex is going to be amazing"
"Ewwww! Lucy please! She's my sister! And plus they're still not together, never have been last I checked"
Lucy stared at the two the rest of the night, eyes darting back and forth as she watched the glares, the stares and the snarky comments. She knew what was going on, she knew exactly what was going on. The green eyed monster. She didn't know which one caused it, she didn't know when, but something sure as hell happened between those two to finally make them snap. And Lucy Lane was not one to let things go. Halfway through Winn's story about a computer hacker he dormed with in college Lucy interrupted to change the subject and start her master plan.
"So Alex! How's the whole gay thing going?"
Everyone stopped, a few jaws dropped and almost all eyes around the table bugged out at the...abrasiveness of Lucy's remark.
"Lucy seriously?!" Winn said.
"What!" Lucy said, "Oh stop, we can talk openly about this we're in good company...I'm into the ladies, Maggie's gayer than gay, Kara won't stop staring at Lena's chest, which, is totally fine because Luthor equally struggles about taking her eyes off Kara's ass"
Kara almost fell off her stool. "Wha- I - I don't -"
"Oh save it, this isn't about you" Lucy said casually. While Kara and Lena turned as red as tomatoes with their eyes on the floor, Lucy continued. "So like I said, let me here it! How's it going so far?"
Alex shyed, "It's uhh...so far so good I guess"
"Any ladies catch your eye yet?"
Alex shook her head quickly, "No, no no just casual..no, nobody yet"
Maggie rolled her eyes and scoffed.
There it is, Lucy thought.
"What Sawyer, what's your problem now?" Alex said.
"Oh nothing, nothing at all...just think you're downplaying how successful you've been with the ladies" Maggie snapped
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"I think you know exactly what it means Danvers"
"Alright alright ladies" Lucy said. Maybe this wasn't the best idea, she thought.
"No, you know what? I'm heading out. I don't need to relive this story, I was able to see it first hand". Maggie stood up and walked out before Alex had a chance to open her mouth.
Maggie stumbled up the stairs to her apartment 3 hours later. She went to another bar for a drink, which turned into two, and now that she had a couple of hours to lose her cool she was headed home before she did anything stupid. Turning the corner towards her apartment she stopped dead in her tracks as she sees auburn hair and long legs slumped in front of her door. Alex was sitting on the ground, back against the door, looking like she had been there for...a while. Picking her head up, she jumped up and brushed off her skinny jeans.
"Sawyer, where the hell have you been?"
Maggie paused in the middle of the hallway. She wanted to turn around, she didn't want to do this right now, and Alex knew it.
"Don't run from this, we need to talk"
Maggie huffed, reaching into her jacket for her keys before walking past Alex and fumbling with the door. After they both walked in Alex shut the door behind them and took off her jacket.
"So let's hear it, what's your problem?"
Maggie's face twisted, a crinkle appearing in her forehead. "What's my problem?"
"Yeah, I said what's your problem. Ever since the other night you've treated me like shit and I'm getting sick of it. Listen I know I left you at the bar and maybe I shouldn't have done that but I specifically asked you if it was okay, and--"
"That's why you think I'm upset with you? Because you left me at a bar alone?"
Alex's forehead crinkled in confusion. "Why...why else would you be mad at me?"
Maggie let out a long breath. Okay, we're doing this. "Alex, listen. It was't right that I avoided you this week and it wasn't right that I was being an ass to you tonight" She took another long breath before continuing. "I...I was jealous, okay? I was jealous every time you took me to that bar, I was jealous every time you flirted with another girl, and then last weekend you left with someone, you went home with someone, and it - it killed me Alex". She didn't want to look up, she didn't want to see Alex's face, not yet. No, she was going to do this. "I never wanted to go to that damn gay bar, but you begged me, you told me it would be fun. It wasn't fun Alex, it was painful. I had to sit there and watch these girls buy you drinks and watch these girls fawn over you and the absolute worst part was watching you enjoy it. I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry. I thought I was going to be able to do it, I thought I was going to pretend that this is okay, that this friendship is okay, but it's not okay"
Alex stared at Maggie, eyes frozen on the detective. "B-but...but you didn't...you don't want me"
Maggie's eyes filled with tears, threatening her every second she stood there saying nothing. Maggie finally looked up at Alex, unable to read her expression. Shock. Confusion. A little bit of insecurity. God, I did this to her.
"Alex, I've wanted you since you set foot on my crime scene. I haven't stopped thinking about you since I've met you. You're, god Alex, you're everything I could ever want. I've never fallen for anyone as hard as I've fallen, and continue to fall for you. But you're beautiful, and kind, and brilliant, and caring, and....wonderful, and you deserve so much better than me"
Alex's eyes started to tear, her lip starting to quiver.
"And-and I know I've ruined this. I've ruined any chance of a relationship and I've ruined a friendship and I know that, I know that it's my fault and that's the whole reason I tried staying away from you in the first place and I'm sorry, I am so, so sorry, and I know I'm rambling it's just I don't know what to say to make it better, this is what I do Alex I ruin relationships and --"
Alex crashed into Maggie, their lips melting into each other and Maggie let out a sob into Alex's mouth as her hands found her hips. The kiss was deep and desperate and felt a lot like finally. Alex's hands glided up the back of Maggie's hair and her nails dragged up the back of her scalp, tugging on her hair as Alex whimpered at the kiss that Maggie was now fully invested in, tugging on Alex's lower lip and teasing her with her tongue. Both of their hands were holding each other as if it was the last time, and after a long moment they finally broke apart, their foreheads resting against each others.
Breathing heavy, almost panting, Alex looked into Maggie's eyes. "I'm sorry for interrupting, you were just rambling, and I just...I wanted to kiss you"
Maggie let out a laugh as tears proceeded to rush down her face.
"So you're saying you like me, that's what I got" Alex teased.
Maggie smiled ear to ear, eyes still teary as two big dimples appeared on her face. "I'm in deep, Danvers. I'm in love"
With trails of dried tears down her cheeks, Alex slowly leaned in, placing a soft, gentle kiss on Maggie's lips. "Join the club"
*************************
3 months later...
Alex sat alone at Lips, towards the end of the bar milking her beer. She leaned over the bar, signaling to the bartender for another when a woman approached her with a grin on her face.
"Hi, I'm sorry to be forward but you are absolutely gorgeous, and I was wondering if I could buy you a drink"
Alex looked at the woman and smiled, "Oh, hi I'm sorry actually I'm..."
She stopped speaking as the door swung open, seeing the most gorgeous girl she's every laid eyes on walk through the doors. Alex smirked as they made eye contact, when she remembered someone was in front of her. "I'm sorry, I was going to say I appreciate it but I'm meeting my girlfriend". Alex nodded towards Maggie who was now making her way through the crowd, dimples on show as she approached her.
"Wow" the woman said, "You're a lucky girl"
"Yeah" Alex smiled, "I am"
As the woman walked away Maggie finally made it over and kissed Alex tenderly. "Hi baby" Maggie smiled, "I'm sorry I'm late"
"That's okay, you're worth the wait" Alex teased.
Maggie laughed sarcastically. "I better not let it happen again, someone's going to steal you away"
Alex grabbed Maggie by her leather jacket for another kiss, "Never Maggie Sawyer. You're all mine"