Chapter Text
Evan traced over the words again and again as he perched on the branch of an apple tree. "What the fuck are you laughing at?"
It was one hell of a soulmate quote, that's for sure. It had shown up on his forearm sometime during junior year, and his mom was probably (definitely) more excited about it than he was. He had been worried he would never get a quote, that he didn't have a soulmate; after all, who could ever love Evan Hansen? He had severe social anxiety, and he couldn't go more than five seconds without picking at his nails or the hem of his shirt or his shoelaces. He stuttered and he mumbled and he spoke too fast. He was unloveable by anyone except for his mother, and even that felt forced to Evan.
He looked down. Dappled sunlight filtered through the leaves and left highlights on the grass below. He scratched the bark of the tree by his thigh, trying to distract himself from what he was about to do. A tear dripped down his chin, falling on the stark black ink of the tattoo. Most everyone had found their soulmate by now, it was senior year, he was seventeen, what was wrong with him? He had no friends--only Jared Kleinman, who insisted he was a "family friend."
He wiped at his eye and looked up at the leaves above him. Cotton candy clouds drifted lazily in the sky. It was a beautiful day.
He let go of the branch.
Wind whistled by his ear.
His arm went numb.
---
"I, uh, I fell. Out of a tree."
Evan picked at his cast as Jared laughed. "You what? What are you, an acorn?" His infectious laughter made Evan feel a little less anxious, and he sheepishly smiled downward. "God, you're hilarious. Anyway, I guess I'll see you around?" He flashed his signature Jared Kleinman smile at Evan and turned, walking down the hallway.
Evan waved at him gently, curling in on himself as he was alone once again. He still heard Jared's voice as he walked away. “Hey, Connor, digging the new hair length! Very school shooter chic."
He looked over his shoulder and saw Jared standing next to a tall boy--Connor--with shoulder-length hair. He looked... bitter. His mouth was pressed in a hard line as he looked down at Jared, his fists white-knuckle gripping his messenger bag.
"It was a... I was joking." Jared sounded exasperated or even slightly scared to Evan, which worried him greatly.
"I know. It's hilarious. Don't you see how hard I'm laughing?" Connor's voice was cold and stony. If Evan wasn't already terrified of him, he'd laugh. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?" Connor growled, stepping into Jared's personal space dangerously.
Jared laughed awkwardly, taking a step back. "You're such a freak," he mumbled as he retreated down the hallway past Evan.
Connor's eyes caught Evan's as they followed Jared. Evan cracked a hesitant smile at the unexpected eye contact, immediately scolding himself for being so awkward. Connor strode towards him, scowling. "What the fuck are you laughing at?" he threatened.
Evan's blood ran cold. His hand shot up to his cast instinctively, which covered the same remark tattooed onto his skin. His face turned red and his palms turned sweaty as he grasped for words. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, his mind screamed in a never-ending loop. "What?" was all he could manage, his throat hoarse and his brain running at a mile a minute.
Connor took a step back, sneering. "I'm not a freak, you're the freak," he grumbled, shoving past Evan as he ran down the hallway. His combat boots loudly hit the linoleum floor and Evan swallowed. Jesus Christ, was he his soulmate?
He never even fathomed that his soulmate could be a boy, much less a boy like Connor. Anxiety flooded his senses and bile pooled in his stomach. His head swam and his temples burned. He pressed his casted hand to his forehead and he fell back against the lockers, the hallway turning and warping around him.
Calm down, Evan, he thought. Deep breaths. He slowly filled his lungs with air and expelled it. Again. And again. His heart rate slowed. The bell above his head rang loudly and he flinched. He resolved to think about it more during first period, skittering down the hallway in an attempt to regain his footing.
---
His brain wouldn't shut up for the entire day. Connor. Connor. What did he know about Connor?
His last name was Murphy, Evan thought. He was the brother of Zoe Murphy. She was a really nice girl, and Evan had humored the thought of her being his soulmate for a while before he got his tattoo. But her soulmate ended up being Alana Beck. He was devastated for a week, scratching and clawing at his stupid, blank arm until it bled.
If he really thought about it, he might have remembered seeing him last year. He was smoking outside the cafetorium during the Jazz Band winter concert. Evan had gone to support Jared after learning he played the trumpet, but halfway through he had to go outside for some fresh air because he was overwhelmed by all the loud noise. He had spotted a pale boy dressed in all black, smoking something and leaning against the wall. He seemed to be brooding, so Evan figured it'd be best to just leave him alone. After he regained his composure, he’d re-entered the cafetorium and he didn't see Connor again.
God, was he going to have to talk to him now? How could he? Connor didn't exactly seem like the most approachable guy, especially not to an anxious, socially awkward mess like Evan. The tip of his pencil broke and he realized he had been scribbling in his notebook absentmindedly. Thankfully, the teacher didn't notice and Evan resumed doodling.
His eyes wandered to his cast. It covered his soulmate quote, which was normally the subject of his doodles. He often crossed it out with Sharpie or filled in the holes of the letters or went over it with different colors. The dark ink never budged, no matter how hard he scraped at it. A plain, sans-serif font with an aggressive statement.
"What the fuck are you laughing at?" his arm taunted.
He stopped fiddling with the fabric under his cast and decided to try and pay attention in class for once to no avail.
---
Dear Evan Hansen,
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?
I know, because there was Zoe. But now apparently there's Connor. Connor, who I don't even know, and doesn't know me. Maybe if I could just talk to him. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.
I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?
Sincerely,
Your most best, and dearest friend, me.
---
He pressed the Print button with finality, despite still feeling shitty about the day. He found his soulmate, which was a good thing, but it was Connor Murphy, which was decidedly not a good thing. That asshole had been on his mind all day. Jared had teased him relentlessly at lunch for his cast, which thankfully took his mind off of him for at least a little while, but as soon as Jared left his mind was overwhelmed once more. Maybe "What the fuck are you laughing at?" is a more common statement than Evan thought, and he wasn't his soulmate after all. He found solace in this pipe dream.
Evan stood and stretched. He felt a tap on his shoulder and whipped around, realizing he wasn't alone in the school library.
"How'd you, um, how'd you break it?" Connor said, pointing at his arm. Evan's heart jumped to his throat and he stared blankly at his face. His hands curled into fists at his sides. Connor had very blue eyes, Evan noted, except for a little bit of brown in his right one. "Your arm."
Evan shook his head to shake himself out of his reverie. "Oh, y-yeah, I, uh, I fell out of a t-tree." He mentally kicked himself for stuttering so much.
He was caught off guard by Connor laughing. He had a nice laugh. His eyes crinkled and his frown had turned into a wide, open-mouth smile. His hand rose to cover his grin as he was obviously taken by surprise. "Well if that isn't just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard, oh my God," he chuckled, making Evan laugh awkwardly in response. "Nobody- uh- nobody's signed it," Connor stated, composing himself again. Evan felt heat rise to his face; he felt like he was intruding on a private moment.
Evan rose his arm, looking at it. "Yeah, um, I know," he stuttered. God, he was making such a fool of himself in front of Connor, he thought.
"I'll sign it."
Evan's heart stopped and his eyes widened. Connor's hands fiddled with the strap of his messenger bag, maybe a nervous tic of his? He had a sheet of paper in his left hand. Evan tried to detect any sarcasm or mockery, but he couldn't find any. He waited a beat before responding, feeling heat rise to his face. "You-You don't have to," he said, looking back down.
Connor took a step closer to Evan. "Do you have a Sharpie?" he asked, long fingers worrying at his strap as he tucked the sheet of paper into his arm. Evan dug into the side pocket of his backpack and retrieved a black Sharpie, handing it to Connor with a shaking hand. His therapist's voice echoed in his mind: Take deep breaths. It's not the end of the world.
Connor tugged the cap of the pen off with his teeth and grabbed Evan's casted hand, making him yelp in surprise. Connor looked at him and his grip softened as he began to scrawl his name on the cast. His handwriting was so big, it almost took up the entire cast. It was messy and rushed, but Evan felt flustered nonetheless. Connor, his soulmate, just signed his cast. Did he even know that he was his soulmate?
"There. Now we can both pretend that we have friends," Connor sighed, capping the pen and handing it back to Evan. He looked at Evan with an undetectable emotion.
Evan laughed awkwardly, reaching up to rub the back of his neck as he avoided eye contact. "Ha, y-yeah, I guess s-so," he managed to say.
"Oh, is this yours? 'Dear Evan Hansen,' that's your name, right?" Connor asked, taking the sheet of paper out from his side. He held it out to Evan, who froze.
"O-Oh, yeah, it is, it's, um. It's f-for an assignment, I-" Evan choked out, reaching for the paper.
Connor looked down at the paper, holding it closer to himself and out of Evan's reach. "...'There was Zoe, but now apparently there's Connor'? What the fuck? Is this... is this about me?" he fumed, eyes darting back up to meet Evan's.
Evan's face flushed dark red as he reached for the paper desperately. "N-No, different Connor, it's something else, I, uh, it's not-" Connor held the letter out of Evan's reach--not too difficult, considering he had a few inches on Evan height-wise.
"You wrote this to freak me out, didn't you?" Connor's voice was calm, and it scared Evan even more than it would if he were angry. "You saw I was the only person in the library and you printed this weird-ass note about me so I'd find it and blow up. Then you could tell everyone that I'm a fucking psychopath!" Connor lashed out, running a hand through his hair incredulously.
"W-What? No, w-why would I-"
"Well I'm not, okay? I'm not fucking crazy!" Connor yelled, gesticulating wildly.
Evan's heart broke in two as he looked up at the frustrated boy in front of him. He felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes; he was an anxious crier and he hated getting yelled at. "I d-d-didn't say you were! I, um, it was for my therap-pist," Evan choked out, trying to suppress a sniffle.
Connor crumpled the paper and shoved it into the pocket of his jacket, pushing past Evan. His face was red with anger. Evan stumbled backwards, nearly falling on his ass. Connor had pushed him twice today... how was he going to ever end up as his soulmate, Evan wondered. "C-Connor, I, uh, I really need that paper canyougiveitbackIreallyneeditpleasegiveitbackpleasegiveitback!" His words slurred together as he scrambled to chase Connor while holding back tears. He was already out the door and storming down the walkway when Evan reached the glass door, though, and he sighed.
Defeated, Evan wiped his tears on his forearm and retreated back to his computer to print another copy of the letter. His mom would be pissed-or, rather, disappointed-if he didn't have a letter to show her when she got home.
---
After Evan got home from school, he quickly threw his backpack on his bed and ran right back out the front door. He decided he would go to the apple orchard near his apartment complex; he went there whenever he was feeling particularly shitty and the trees always helped him calm down. He hadn't been since his botched suicide attempt, though.
His eyes darted to the cast at his side, now branded with his apparent soulmate's name. He bit back a bitter laugh at the irony of it covering his soulmate quote. Of course Evan would get Connor Murphy as his fucking soulmate. That's just his luck, wasn't it?
Evan decided to get a friend--er, family friend's input on the matter. He fished his phone out of his pocket and typed a text to Jared. He was shocked to see an immediate reply.
[4:17 PM] Evan Hansen: Uh, Jared, I need your advice on something.
[4:17 PM] the insanely cool jared: shoot, ev
[4:18 PM] Evan Hansen: Well. I think I found my soulmate?
[4:19 PM] the insanely cool jared: wait really??? holy shit congrats my dude
[4:19 PM] the insanely cool jared: whos the lucky girl?
[4:20 PM] Evan Hansen: Well, uh, that's the problem.
[4:21 PM] Evan Hansen: It's not a girl. I think my soulmate is Connor Murphy.
A long pause. Evan wiped his sweaty palms on his khakis as he waited for Jared to reply. He was nearing the orchard.
[4:24 PM] the insanely cool jared: har har very funny evan whos ur actual soulmate
[4:25 PM] Evan Hansen: I'm serious, Jared. You know how my soulmate quote is "what the fuck are you laughing at?" He said that to me today. First time I've actually talked to him.
[4:26 PM] the insanely cool jared: holy fucking SHIT evan
[4:26 PM] the insanely cool jared: you know how to pick a fucking keeper dont u
[4:27 PM] Evan Hansen: I didn't have a choice! Trust me, I'd choose someone else if I could...
[4:28 PM] Evan Hansen: So, what do I do? How do I approach him?
[4:29 PM] the insanely cool jared: i have no fuckin clue man
[4:29 PM] the insanely cool jared: hes like easily the least dateable person at our school
[4:30 PM] the insanely cool jared: maybe offer to shoot up with him or something lmao
[4:31 PM] Evan Hansen: This is serious, Jared! I don't know what to do! I can't even make friends, much less flirt.
[4:32 PM] the insanely cool jared: well at least youre both socially inept
[4:32 PM] the insanely cool jared: maybe hell find it charming
[4:33 PM] the insanely cool jared: i gtg gl tho
[4:33 PM] Evan Hansen: Ugh. Okay. Sorry for bothering you.
Evan locked his phone and shoved it back in his pocket as he approached the orchard. He gently pushed the old, rusted gate open and entered, closing it with a loud squeak. The orchard had been closed for almost a decade and weeds had overgrown all the pathways, but Evan loved to climb the giant apple trees.
He bounded down the path, breathing in the fresh air gratefully. It did wonders for his anxiety, and it was just what he needed after a stressful first day of senior year. He scouted out the perfect tree to climb near the front of the orchard and began to scale it with an experienced proficiency. He sat on one of the first branches, finding no motivation to climb higher and slumping down against the trunk.
A breeze whistled past his ear and he sighed happily. Sitting in the branches of a tree was his happy place, free from the stresses of high school. Jared loved to tease him about how his "only friends were trees" but Evan didn't see anything wrong with that.
He heard a deep rumbling and he turned to see what the source was. A dingy truck had driven up to the wrought iron fence and parked. Evan tilted his head in confusion; as far as he knew, he was the only person who still came to this orchard. He sat up and wrapped his uncasted arm around the branch below him to keep his balance.
The door opened and slammed shut. Evan internally screamed. Of course the driver of the truck was none other than Connor Murphy. He shoved his keys into his pocket, the long black lanyard hanging out of his skinny jeans. He flung open the gate with a loud screech and didn't bother to close it.
Evan shifted his weight on the branch anxiously and cursed under his breath when it creaked. Connor immediately tried to pinpoint the source of the sound. Evan sat as still as he possibly could until Connor relaxed again and continued down the path. Evan quietly sighed with relief and dropped his head back against the trunk of the tree. This force caused an apple to fall off the branch he was sitting on and roll into Connor's path.
Evan buried his face in his hands and groaned quietly, cursing every god in existence. Connor's eyes snapped up directly to Evan and frowned. "Evan Hansen? What the fuck are you doing here?"
Evan reluctantly climbed down from the tree, bracing himself for Connor's wrath. His mind was already buzzing with excuses. "I, um, I come out here when I need a b-break. I like… climbing trees." And he had to choose the worst excuse, didn't he? He mentally slapped himself.
Connor rolled his eyes. "You obviously aren't very good at it." Evan rubbed his cast and laughed awkwardly as he continued. "I can't fucking escape you today, can I?" he grumbled, pulling a joint and a lighter out of his jacket pocket.
Evan coughed upon seeing the weed. "I-I-Sorry, I guess. I didn't m-mean to upset you. At the library, I mean," he added. He always felt the need to apologize.
Connor sighed, lighting the joint. "Sure. Whatever. God, you must think I'm insane." He took a deep breath and held the smoke in his lungs for a few seconds before blowing out a cloud of smoke.
Evan grimaced at the stench of weed; he’d never smelled it before and it took him off guard. “I d-don’t think you’re insane,” he tried to comfort Connor.
A cynical laugh. “Bullshit, Hansen. I don’t need your pity.” He ran a hand through his long hair in an exasperated manner as Evan choked out an apology. “How do you know Zoe?” he asked, changing the subject. At Evan’s puzzled look, he elaborated, “You mentioned her. In the letter.” He patted his jacket pocket, seemingly unwilling to draw the letter out.
Evan felt his shoulders rise in defense and embarrassment. He felt his body flush and he picked at his cast subconsciously. “I, um, well, I don’t? Not really. I w-was, uh, looking for my soulmate, and she. Um. She...” He trailed off, hoping that Connor wouldn’t make him finish that statement. Admitting this to her brother was beyond shameful, but Evan couldn’t think of a believable lie on the spot and he didn’t really want to lie to Connor, someone he was trying to build trust with.
Connor scoffed, puffs of smoke curling in the autumn air. “Jesus. She found Alana already.”
“I know, I-I’m, uh. Sorry.” A painful silence. Evan bit his fingernail, waiting (hoping) for Connor to say something so he didn’t have to.
“You apologize a lot,” Connor observed.
Evan felt another wave of embarrassment crash over him. “S-Sorry. I, uh, I mean, you know what I mean,” he mumbled awkwardly.
Connor barked out a laugh and Evan couldn’t help but laugh with him. “Sit,” Connor instructed as he sat at the base of the tree. Evan quickly scrambled to the ground, sitting cross-legged next to him. A minute passed, Connor taking another deep breath and exhaling smoke. “How do you know about this shitty orchard?” he asked hesitantly.
Evan picked at a blade of grass as he spoke. “Well, I find trees really, uh, fascinating? And my mom used to take me here sometimes when it was still open. What, uh, what about you?” he asked.
“Me too. I mean, when Zoe and I were little, my parents used to take us out here all the time. I like it a lot more now that it’s abandoned, though.” Connor looked down the path and took another drag, seemingly nostalgic.
Evan nodded. “Yeah. I think I like it more this way too. L-Less people. Except for you, I guess.” He congratulated himself sarcastically for being so smooth, pinching hard at his skin as a punishment.
This earned an unexpected laugh from Connor, and his grip loosened. “Y’know, I don’t think I’ve laughed this much in ages,” he half-whispered, looking back at Evan.
Evan’s ears burned. He must know that they’re soulmates, right? He couldn’t see his quote due to his jacket sleeve and he cursed internally. He cleared his throat. “M-Maybe it’s the drugs?” Evan suggested idly.
At this, Connor burst into another fit of laughter. “Holy fucking shit, Hansen,” was all he could say, covering his eyes with his hand. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
Evan couldn’t help but stare. He’d never seen Connor laugh before; well, to be fair, he’d rarely seen Connor at all before that day. He didn’t seem like a very happy person from what Evan had seen. He traced Connor’s name on his cast with his finger absentmindedly. “S-Sorry.”
Connor rubbed the now tiny joint out against the dirt, extinguishing the light. “It’s fine, Hansen. God knows I could use a good laugh.” His voice sounded oddly bitter and Evan’s heart twinged acutely. Connor’s head fell back against the trunk of the tree and he looked into the sky. His fingers worried at the threads that hung from the holes in his ripped jeans and Evan felt reassured in his nervousness.
A more comfortable silence spread between them as they watched the sky in the presence of one another but not together. A light breeze rustled the leaves above their heads as the clouds moved lazily through the beginnings of a sunset. Evan wasn’t used to the company during his anxiety-induced escapes, but it wasn’t necessarily unbearable.
Both of them flinched hard as Evan’s text tone played from his pocket. He was already overflowing with apologies and Connor reassured him that it was fine. Evan wondered if he was imagining it when he seemed to pull his jacket tighter around him.
[6:41 PM] Mom: Hey, honey!! Sorry about the appointment today, we were just swamped at work. I know you’re probably at the orchard, but come home for dinner soon! I got take-out. <3
Evan exhaled as he read the text. He felt torn between wanting to stay with Connor, which he knew was totally ridiculous because he didn’t even know Connor but it was easier to accept that maybe, just maybe, he had a soulmate when he was sitting next to him in a quiet, content silence and knowing in a deep part of his brain that there was no way that Connor could ever be his soulmate, since soulmates were reserved for people like Zoe and Alana and certainly not people like Evan Hansen and why was he fooling himself, even temporarily? The all-too-familiar crushing sensation began to rise up in his chest again like desperate floodwaters, laughing at his shoddily-constructed levees, and it was getting hard to breathe and just breathe, Evan, God.
His thoughts were interrupted by Connor, who was looking at him in a certain way. “Hansen? You okay?” he asked in his cool, unwavering, apathetic tone.
Evan swallowed and nodded too eagerly, his eyes refusing to meet Connor’s, even when he felt his gaze boring into him like a cattle prod. “Y-Y-Yeah. Sorry. I’m f-fine. Sorry.” His thumbs hovered over the keyboard and he quickly typed a response.
[6:49 PM] Evan Hansen: Yeah okay I’ll be home soon Mom.
He had to delete and retype a few times due to his shaking thumbs before pressing Send. He roughly shoved his phone back into the pocket of his khakis, standing abruptly and brushing off the grass and dirt. Connor’s eyes followed him, looking up at him as he struggled to find his balance, rocking on the balls of his feet. “I-I have to go. My m-mother, uh, wants me home,” he explained. Connor doesn’t even care, why are you explaining? he asked himself.
“Okay,” Connor said quietly.
A beat. Evan fidgeted with the hem of his blue polo. “T-Thanks. For sitting with me,” he coughed.
Connor smirked. “If anything, I should be thanking you. I’m surprised you didn’t go fucking running when I showed up, everybody thinks I’m one bad day away from pulling a fucking Sandy Hook.” His voice was obviously resentful, and he looked down at his lighter as he flipped it around in his hands.
Evan offered a hesitant smile. “W-Well, if it’s any c-consolation, I think you’re pretty cool,” he mumbled, hoping that he wasn’t coming off as creepy.
Connor barked out a laugh. “Thanks, Hansen. You don’t seem all that bad yourself, if a little nervous.” He shot a little tight-lipped smile up at Evan before looking back down with his previous scowl.
“S-See you around?” Evan said with an upwards inflection, waving as he began to walk away. Connor didn’t wave back, instead choosing to fish for and retrieve a pair of headphones from his pocket, slipping both into his ears and closing his eyes. Evan bounded down the path, feeling vaguely triumphant for navigating a social situation with little pain, especially with his soulmate. He pushed the nagging feeling of anxiety building in his throat back down as he began the walk back to his apartment complex.
---
The next morning, it took all of Evan’s strength not to fall asleep during school. He had stayed up late the night before thinking about Connor and how to handle the situation. He can’t just tell him, he’d be beyond freaked out and he probably wouldn’t even believe him. He figured the best plan of action would be to keep quiet about it while trying to befriend him. Maybe one day he’ll explain it to him. Maybe.
After an hour of nodding off in APUSH, Evan made his way to the picnic table outside where he and Jared normally ate lunch. He rested his head on the table, hoping to sneak in a five minute nap before Jared arrived.
Before he could fall asleep, though, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked up blearily and was surprised to see Connor, not Jared taking a seat across from him. “Hey, Hansen,” he greeted halfheartedly.
“H-Hi, Connor. Why’re you sitting here?” Evan asked, rubbing his eyes to try and suppress a yawn.
Connor snorted. “Nice to know I’m welcome. My parents were up my ass yesterday because they found out I skipped, so I’m forced to be here today.” He picked at his already chipping black nail polish.
Evan blinked. “B-But didn’t I see you yesterday? A-At school?” he asked while retrieving his lunch from his backpack.
Connor laughed a little. “Well, after our friend Napoleon Complex Kleinman fucked with me I decided to go to the orchard. I had to come back later to pick up Zoe, though, and she noticed that I wasn’t on campus so she ratted. It’s the second goddamn day and I’m already fucking done with this school,” Connor muttered. Evan felt honored that Connor not only remembered him, but came and sat next to him. He tried to push the feeling down under the guise of remaining cool, though.
“Hey, Connor, I think the My Chemical Romance concert is that way!” Connor and Evan turned to see Jared approaching them with a smirk on his face.
Connor rolled his eyes and grabbed his messenger bag, standing once more. “Thanks for the pointer,” he sighed and left, leaving Evan and Jared the only two at the table. Evan watched him leave and cast a frustrated glance at Jared.
“You really weren’t shitting me with that soulmate shit, huh?” Jared exclaimed as he took Connor’s seat across from Evan.
Evan shrugged and bit into his apple. “N-No. I, uh, I went to the orchard yesterday and, um, guess who showed up?”
Jared burst into laughter. “No fucking way! He’s a tree-fucker too?” he asked incredulously. “Maybe you two were meant to be!”
Evan blushed and sunk into his seat. “K-K-Keep your voice down!” he whispered, scanning the area for Connor and relaxing slightly when he didn’t see him.
A mischievous grin spread across Jared’s face. “What, you don’t want anyone to know that you and Connor fucked in an apple tree?” he giggled, voice still louder than Evan would’ve liked. Evan felt his face turn even redder as Jared continued. “Fuckin’ jerking off as you talk about how misunderstood you are--!” Jared burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter as Evan shushed him.
“T-T-That’s not t-true!” Evan cried, holding his hands up. “P-Please shut up, Jared,” he pleaded. “You’re just m-making fun of me because y-your arm is still blank, anyway,” he remarked, crossing his arms on his chest.
Jared rolled his eyes as his laughter ceased. “Whatever, Ev. I’d rather have no soulmate than have Connor fucking Murphy as my soulmate any day.” He took a bite out of his sandwich, leaving the two silent for a moment until his eyes widened once more. “Holy fucking shit, he signed your cast.”
Evan looked down and realized that his cast still had Connor’s name on it in huge, black letters. Evan covered his face with his hands and groaned, preparing for another round of taunting from Jared.
---
Evan trudged into Calculus BC and sat in his seat, taking out a battered notebook and beginning to doodle an apple tree. The bell rang and the teacher began speaking but Evan zoned out, adding details to the bark and leaves. He was snapped out of his reverie by the door opening and closing behind him.
“You’re late,” barked the teacher.
“I’m well aware,” came Connor Murphy’s stone-cold voice behind Evan, making him whip around in surprise. Jesus Christ, Connor was inescapable. Their eyes met from across the room and a small smirk appeared on Connor’s face as the teacher reprimanded him. Evan turned back around and hurriedly began drawing once more in the cover of his notebook.
Connor took the only empty seat, across the room from Evan, and Evan felt his stare bore into him. He refused to lift his head and continued scribbling as hard as possible for the rest of the period.
Or, rather, he would have if he didn’t feel a paper ball hit his ear. He looked for the source and found nobody, so he hesitantly unfurled the crumpled paper. On it in scrawled handwriting read “FUCK THIS CLASS.” Evan looked back up, wondering if the note was meant for him before locking eyes with none other than Connor Murphy from across the room. He winked and Evan felt his insides melt to goo.
Evan took his pencil and wrote underneath “agreed.” He paused, and then added, “also sorry about jared, he’s a dick.” He crumpled the paper back up and waited until the teacher turned his back before throwing it back at Connor, landing it on his desk perfectly.
He watched as Connor opened the note and wrote a reply, launching it back to Evan. “YOU’RE TELLING ME? I HAD NO IDEA.” Evan couldn’t help but snicker at the snide remark. He wrote a reply of “i know, shocking” and tried to launch it back, but both him and Connor watched as it flew directly out the window. Evan gasped, immediately feeling guilty.
Connor burst into laughter, provoking another lecture from the teacher. He didn’t attempt to pass any other notes to Evan for the rest of the period, much to Evan’s dismay.
When the bell rang, he bolted out of the classroom to avoid talking to Connor again. He didn’t know what to say and he didn’t want to push Connor, so he resolved to stay silent. Anyways, Connor was probably tired of Evan annoying him.
The rest of the day passed without incident; once Evan got home, his mother persuaded him to do homework and he played online games with Jared, who thankfully refrained from mentioning Connor. He considered writing another letter to himself but decided against it, collapsing on his bed and staring at the ceiling.
---
A few days had come and gone with no contact with Connor and Evan was beginning to worry. Maybe Connor wasn’t his soulmate after all, maybe “what the fuck are you laughing at?” is a more common phrase than he’d thought, maybe, and this was the most likely solution, Evan was going crazy. What was he thinking, trying to befriend or God forbid woo Connor fucking Murphy?
His sneakers hit the pavement harder than he was intending to as he took the left that turned into the orchard. He found solace in the tarnished sign, the rusted gate, the scent of apples that will never be picked, the setting sun that reminded him that he shouldn’t be out so late, the dingy truck that was parked haphazardly by the sign--
Wait. The dingy truck. Connor’s truck.
Evan stopped in his tracks, considering turning around and heading home. He brought his fingers up to his teeth, biting them to calm himself down and clear his head. He figured he should talk to Connor, he might be his soulmate, but on the other hand, what if he says something stupid and Connor hates him forever, or worse yet, what if he says the right thing and Connor still hates him?
“Hansen.”
Evan flinched as he looked up and saw Connor walking towards him through the gate. “M-Murphy,” he replied feebly, dropping his hand and wiping it on his pants.
Connor laughed once and stood next to Evan. “I was just about to leave, but I’ll stay if you want me to.” He fiddled with his keys for a moment, spanning Evan’s shocked silence. He’d stay at this shitty orchard for Evan? He continued hastily. “That was presumptuous, I’ll just leave--”
“N-N-No, no, you can, um, I don’t m-mind if you stay!” Evan interrupted, maybe a little too loudly, grabbing Connor’s jacketed arm as he tried to turn away. Connor looked at Evan’s hand in a surprised manner, mouth agape and eyes darting up to meet Evan’s. Evan quickly retracted his hand like he had just touched a hot stove and he felt his face heat up. “I-I mean, y-you don’t have to or a-anything, um, I was-just--”
“Here, let’s compromise. I take you to À La Mode, and you take a fuckin’ chill pill, eh?” Connor proffered, holding up his keys.
Evan nodded quickly, unable to suppress a smile from spreading across his face as he followed Connor to his truck. “H-How old’s the truck?” Evan asked as he opened the door. It seemed like it was originally black, but years of rough use had dulled the paint and turned it brown in places.
Connor took the driver’s seat and laughed. “Only God knows. I think she’s a ‘97, ‘98? We bought her well-used when I turned sixteen, because I refused to have a fancy-ass new car. Mom tried to buy me a top-of-the-line hybrid bullshit but I’d rather die than drive in one of those fucking clown cars.” He turned the keys in the ignition and the truck stuttered and stammered before finally roaring to life. “She’s old as dirt but she’s put up with all my shitty driving so she’s more than earned her keep.”
The seats were torn and stained, and the entire interior stank of weed. An empty beer bottle sat in the cupholder and many scuff marks adorned the dashboard, likely from reclining with those combat boots of his. A pair of dog tags hung from the rearview mirror along with a pine tree air freshener. The seatbelts were tattered and the floor and seats were covered in miscellaneous shit--parking and speeding tickets (Goddamn, there were a lot of them, thought Evan), rolling papers, cassettes, random quarters and pennies, a Nirvana tank top that Evan could never picture him wearing, a baseball bat (No way in hell did Connor play baseball, Evan remarked) and more. Overall, the interior appeared to resemble Connor’s brain.
Evan sat stiffly in the passenger seat as Connor stuck his elbow out the window, right hand barely grasping the wheel. He gripped the stick shift (holy shit, Connor drives stick shift? Nevermind, of course he drives stick shift.) and reversed out of his impromptu parking spot. “Have you ever been to À La Mode?” Connor asked, driving away on the dirt path that led out of the orchard.
“N-No. I’m assuming it’s, um, an ice cream place?” Evan said, looking at Connor. He played with a lock of long, chocolate-brown hair as he drove and Evan reached up to run a hand through his sandy brown hair, suddenly self-conscious.
“Oh man. Yeah, it’s fucking amazing. I’ve gone there ever since I was little.” Connor looked at the obviously outdated stereo system and hummed. He thumbed through the stack of cassettes that lay on the seat between him and Evan and chose one, popping it into the player and pressing Play.
Heavy guitars and drums began blasting from the speakers, making Evan jump and Connor laugh. He turned down the volume before mumbling to Evan, “Sorry. It’s a habit of mine.”
Evan laughed awkwardly and stared forward at the road. The drive was short and before long Connor was parking at an old vintage-looking ice cream parlor. Evan got out of the truck and entered À La Mode with Connor.
It was cold yet inviting. The tiled floors and old-school menu signs gave the aura of a 1960’s dive and Evan could see why Connor liked it so much. The two walked to the display and Evan was overwhelmed with choices. Connor seemed to already know what he wanted and dictated his long and complicated order while Evan decided.
Evan stood at the counter and paled. “Uh, Connor? I d-didn’t bring any money… I guess I won’t--”
“No, I’ll pay. My treat.” Connor smiled down at Evan as the cashier handed him his cone. He licked the side of the cone and gestured for Evan to order, holding a credit card between his first two fingers. Evan flushed. He had forgotten how affluent the Murphys were. He was surprised that his parents even trusted Connor with a credit card; God knew how many stupid things he probably bought. He remembered his own financial situation and shrunk into himself as Connor paid for his ice cream.
Five minutes later they were back in Connor’s truck, eating their ice cream as the Arctic Monkeys flowed languidly through the speakers. Evan had ordered plain chocolate, while Connor had opted for a mint chocolate chip cone with an absurd amount of toppings. “T-This is really good. Thank you for, uh, taking me here and buying my ice cream,” Evan said quietly.
“No problem, Hansen,” Connor said between bites. “It’s… nice. To talk to you.” His voice was so quiet Evan could barely make out what he said and Connor buried his pink face in ice cream.
“I… yeah. Y-Yeah,” Evan replied, pushing down the butterflies, “it is.”
Connor paused before continuing shakily. “I-I mean. You. I… I don’t mean to be creepy or whatever. Nobody fucking listens to me, so it’s nice to have somebody who finally fucking does.” He refused to meet Evan’s eyes, staring out the window of the parked truck and licking his ice cream. He’d never heard Connor stutter before.
Evan couldn’t help but laugh. “M-Me too, Connor.” The tattoo burned his skin as he got a nagging feeling to confess. Maybe… Maybe Connor would respond in kind. He seemed in a pretty good mood right now.
“Okay, fuck this feelings bullshit. Let’s drive,” Connor abruptly stated, biting the cone and backing out of the parking lot. He sped out of the lot, going fast down the road that lead to À La Mode and farther, hand white-knuckle gripping the steering wheel. Evan felt confusion and fear as he saw the intensity in his eyes as he set his jaw. He had just gotten Connor to open up, what did he do to set back his progress?
The familiar welling of anxiety bubbled up and Evan attempted to repress it by sinking his teeth into the ice cream. He shivered.
Wind gusted through the rolled-down windows as Connor accelerated. He turned up the radio, now playing a Guns n’ Roses song, to an excessive volume that made Evan wince. They drove like this for a while, the sun treading below the horizon and the moon growing in the rearview mirror. Evan’s mind raced. What did he do to upset Connor? A million actions, ten million apologies swam through his brain.
Connor turned the volume down. “Where do you live?” he asked sternly.
Evan blinked for a moment and blurted his address, cursing himself for being awkward as he ate the last bit of cone. Connor had been long done with his, having wolfed it down soon after he began driving. Connor silently drove to Evan’s apartment complex and parked, turning off the radio and turning to face Evan. “Sorry for… that. I should’ve dropped you off before,” he muttered, running a hand through his mane of hair.
“I-It’s fine. Thanks for the, um. The ice cream.” Evan unbuckled his seatbelt and looked back at Connor. “It, um. I like hanging out with you,” he said before he could convince himself not to.
Connor looked shocked, his eyebrows shooting up into his hair. “Oh. Well. Um.” He coughed. “I’ll see you later, I guess.” He looked out the window and Evan saw his ear turn red.
Evan said goodbye and exited the truck, entering the apartment complex and bounding up the stairs. Connor just bought him ice cream, holy shit, maybe he is his soulmate after all!
A nagging voice chimed in in the back of his mind as he unlocked the door to his apartment. Connor freaked out after buying the ice cream. Maybe he regretted saying that he enjoyed his company. Maybe he was lying so he didn’t hurt Evan’s feelings. Evan felt his eyes burn and wiped at them angrily as he walked into the apartment.
“Evan! You’re home! Who was that, that just dropped you off?” asked Heidi, hugging Evan happily.
“A f-friend,” Evan replied vaguely.
“You know I don’t like it when you’re out this late,” she said, tugging on her shoes, “but I guess if you’re making friends I’m okay with it.” Evan realized she was dressed in her scrubs and he sighed. She had another night shift tonight.
He immediately felt selfish and forced himself to smile. “Yeah, I, um, it’s going well,” he mumbled, playing with the hem of his polo.
Heidi grinned widely and pecked Evan on the cheek, grabbing her work bag and walking to the door. “Well, you know how it is. Another night shift. I’ll see you tomorrow, though! Bye, honey, do your homework!” she said as she ushered out the door, checking her watch.
Evan waved halfheartedly as she closed the door and immediately ran to his room, falling onto his bed. He lied down for a moment before sitting up and retrieving his phone that he’d forgot he’d left on his desk until he was already halfway to the orchard. To his surprise, he had two missed calls from his mom and a text from Jared.
[5:21 PM] the insanely cool jared: hey man wanna play some wow?
[8:03 PM] Evan Hansen: Sorry. I was at the orchard.
[8:04 PM] the insanely cool jared: i assumed lmao
[8:04 PM] the insanely cool jared: did ur boyf show up?
[8:05 PM] Evan Hansen: Actually, yes. We got ice cream.
[8:06 PM] the insanely cool jared: holy shit, evan hansen the ladykiller
[8:06 PM] the insanely cool jared: are you two together or what?
[8:07 PM] Evan Hansen: God, no, no, not yet. I’m too chicken to tell him about my quote.
[8:08 PM] the insanely cool jared: you got fucking ice cream, hansen, you really think hes gonna turn u down??
[8:10 PM] Evan Hansen: …
[8:12 PM] Evan Hansen: Look, Jared, I don’t fucking know. You know how unpredictable he is.
[8:13 PM] the insanely cool jared: i mean whatever you say buddy
[8:14 PM] the insanely cool jared: lets just play wow now
[8:14 PM] Evan Hansen: Okay, opening it now.
Evan threw his phone to the foot of the bed and opened his laptop. Maybe all he needed was a game with Jared to calm down.
Two hours later, Jared had signed off and Evan was lying in bed in the dark. He should probably try to go to sleep, he thought. It was a school night and he was sleep deprived as hell for the past couple of days. He tossed and turned.
Connor Murphy.
He’d seemed like he was opening up to Evan, by the way he threw a note at him in Calc and how he bought him ice cream. But, on the other hand, they went a few days without talking and Connor freaked after buying Evan the food. It was almost scary, the way that he drove with such intensity. Maybe he just didn’t want to open up to Evan, a practical stranger, said the rational voice in his head. Or he hates him, said the less rational one, and he regrets talking to him.
Evan pressed his face into a pillow. Why did it have to be Connor fucking Murphy of all people? The hardest person to befriend, let alone romance, in their entire fucking high school?
That night he dreamt of ice cream, of apple trees, of a crystalline sunset, of loud music, of long hair, of hard bites, of blue eyes, and of hot flames.
“What the fuck are you laughing at?”
Evan slept well.