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It was hard.
And for lack of a better word and also because Yoongi was exhausted---it really, really sucked .
People like his family and other parents used to tell him how hard parenting was. Then they’d jokingly add how he shouldn’t have kids if he wanted to keep his sanity. He knew it wasn’t a carefree job, that sometimes it was thankless and often messed with one’s mental state. But it never stopped him or Hoseok from spending years and money pursuing a child.
When Yoonji was born, Yoongi felt everything in the universe come into a perfect circle. All the trouble he and Hoseok went through meant nothing anymore. They had a beautiful daughter to show for their perseverance.
Hoseok acted as a donor for their surrogate, so Yoonji carried his physical appearance. But as she grew, her personality ran similar to Yoongi’s. It was why their bond always felt more concrete. Not because it was a simple father-daughter bond, but because they just got each other. Mostly, but not always, Yoongi understood why Yoonji behaved the way she did, and she understood why her dad acted the way he did.
It was also why, as Yoonji progressed into her early teen years, her and Yoongi clashed so often.
Their family didn’t argue very often. At the most it was minor irritations with one another that resulted in silent treatments before offering forgiveness. Lately, the fights between Yoongi and Yoonji were increasing with abrasive, venomous words that shattered trust and spilled tears.
It was to the point where one day, Yoongi had stopped in the middle of a cruel argument to say, “I fucking hate this, you’re the worst daughter I could’ve ever had.”
He left and stalked off to his room, not caring to see the hot anger simmering on Hoseok’s face, or the way Yoonji’s being finally gave up and broke.
#
It was an hour later, after Yoongi and Hoseok were done cursing each other out, that they realized Yoonji was no longer in the apartment.
#
Yoongi had written a song after Yoonji’s birth.
While he still did his job of producing others’ tracks and co-writing lyrics, his own musical endeavors went untouched. He was too busy. Stress made every idea and line typed onto a laptop or written on a scrap of paper into complete trash.
The night after bringing Yoonji home, Yoongi stayed up hunched over a worn-out notebook. Hoseok was asleep next to him, and Yoonji was snoozing quietly in her tiny crib by Yoongi. He wrote until his fingers cramped and the words began to blend together, coming to an end.
In the morning, he sang Yoonji a sweet lullaby, and Hoseok watched as Yoongi cradled her.
It wasn’t meant to be a polished track to purchase. At Hoseok’s encouragement, Yoongi decided to put it up online for free. He wrote in the description box two lines of the lyrics:
I promise to never let you down
You're my one and only baby
#
Yoongi tried to never make promises he couldn’t keep. With each unanswered phone call and Hoseok’s unsuccessful foot search, he knew he broke one he shouldn’t have.
He called the numbers he had of Yoonji’s friends, and they all claimed they hadn't seen nor heard from her. She wasn’t at school, the cafe she always stopped by on the way coming home, or at the dance studio.
He even called both his and Hoseok’s parents to see if she managed to catch a bus down to them. He wouldn’t put it pass her to do such a thing. She wasn’t at either families’ homes.
Calling the police only frustrated him more. While they said they’d put out a notice, there wasn’t much they could do since they didn’t consider her to be in imminent danger. Yoongi let out every expletive and foul comment he knew. He didn’t care how safe his city was always praised to be. Yoonji was still a 14-year-old girl and it was going to be night soon. He hung up in anger, and despite Hoseok’s earlier insistence that Yoongi stayed home in case Yoonji wandered back, he went out.
Standing on the sidewalk, with some onlookers peering at him, Yoongi tried to think.
When he used to run away from home, he never went far---he couldn’t afford to. He only stayed at a friend’s place unless he had no choice, because it would be the first place his parents would check. And he couldn’t trust his friends or their parents not to rat him out. His only other option was to isolate himself somewhere quiet without many people. Being absorbed into a crowd only made him more anxious.
It was a 10 minute bus ride to the jogging path that curved along the river. Never overly crowded, it had many crannies to corner oneself in. Yoongi often went there whenever his insomnia became too much. Sometimes he and Yoonji took long walks there during the night, before stopping at a 24-hour restaurant on their way back home.
He wasn’t completely certain she’d be by the river. But the lack of help from the police and Hoseok’s last text of “ heading back home, still haven’t seen her, ” Yoongi needed to try something else.
The sun began to leave as late evening descended, its vermilion colors warming Yoongi. The pebbles crushing underneath his footsteps were quiet compared to his heartbeat.
He found her sitting on the crooked stone steps leading into the shallow river bank. She didn’t glance up as he sat next to her.
Neither one of them spoke for the first three minutes. Yoonji hugged her knees tightly, attention focused on the river. The evening’s glow failed to cover up her damp cheeks and heavy eyes. Her lips were shut tight enough to hold back sobs or awful words.
If she wanted to yell at him now she could, but he didn’t want her to feel as if she had to speak first. When he opened his mouth only silence came, and it was another moment before he could figure out his words.
First, he said, “I’m sorry,” but that phrase felt too light for the situation. So he said, “I could say I didn’t mean what I said, but you probably think I'm lying.”
Yoonji sniffled and wiped her face on her sleeve before glancing at him quickly. “I feel like you don’t really like me. And don’t say, ‘oh, that’s not true’! Because, I don’t know . . . Sometimes I don’t really like you either.”
He let the words rotate around his mind before settling on a reply. “Then I won’t say that.” Yoonji’s knees locked up tighter, her feet digging harder into the concrete like she was trying to bury herself.
“It’s frustrating, and I don’t get why sometimes things have to be so difficult between us when it didn’t used to be,” Yoongi explained. He copied Yoonji’s posture by hugging his own knees. “But that doesn’t excuse anything I’ve done and said to you.”
Yoonji stayed silent, but there weren’t any more sniffles or tears gathered at her eyes.
“I want so badly to take back what I said, because they're not true. None of it was. And I know I can’t make you believe me.” His words slurred toward the end, and Yoongi tried to breathe through the choked up emotions gathered in his chest. “But I love you. You’re my one and only baby, and I don’t know what I’d be doing with myself if I didn’t have you.”
Growing up, one of the things Yoongi craved was for his parents to apologize to him. After every fight, it was him who’d come crawling back late with a quiet apology, life ready to move on. But he knew deep inside that it wasn’t just him at fault. All he wanted to hear was that his parents were sorry, too, and that they meant it.
He shifted a bit closer to Yoonji and touched her shoulder. “I’m so sorry for hurting you, Yoonji-ah.”
He barely blinked and a current of tears flooded Yoonji’s face. She didn’t hesitate pulling herself into his open arms, face buried in his chest, and hands clutching his sides. In that moment, all she could feel were Yoongi’s safe arms and a peaceful heartbeat against her cheek.
“I’m sorry, too, dad.”
#
Yoonji cried again once they reached home, except that time she had both her dads to hold her.
#
It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t completely perfect, but it was getting better.