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Chapter Text

“This is your lunch okay? Now I put a dollar in there so you can buy some milk. You can ask one of the big kids where to do that.” Keith's father handed him a paper bag.

“You remember your phone number?” his mother interrupted, “I wrote it down for you, just in case. Put it in your pocket, I don’t want you to lose it. Okay? You ready?”

“I think so,” Keith replied.

“It’s Keith’s big day!” his father said while holding up a camera.

I guess it’s natural for parents to cry on their kids first day of school. But you know, this usually only happens when the kid is 5. I’m 16 and until today, I was home-schooled in the desert. I know what you’re thinking. Home-schooled kids are freaks or that we’re weirdly religious or something. But my family is totally normal. Except for that fact that both my parents are astronomists and we’ve spend the last 12 years in the desert, stargazing. I had a great life, but then my mom got offered a tenure at Galra University by Principal Alfor. So it was goodbye desert and hello Garrison High School.

Chapter Text

The first day of school was a blur. A stressful, surreal blur. I got in trouble for the most random things. I had never lived in a world where adults did not trust me, where they were always yelling at me.
I had some friends in the desert. But so far, none in Garrison High.

The next day in class, Keith sat down next to a nerdy looking guy.

“Is that the way your hair naturally grows?” the guy asked.

“Uhm yes," Keith replied.

“It looks nice,” the guy said.

“Thank you,” replied Keith.

The nerdy guy turned to a goth girl sitting in front of them and said: “See, this is the style that I want”, whilst holding Keith’s mullet in a tight grasp.

The goth girl turned around and introduced the guy, “I’m Pidge. This is Matt. He’s almost too gay to function”.

“What does Pidge stand for?” Keith wondered.

“Pidgeotto, it’s a Pokémon thing.”

“Oh… okay… I’m Keith, nice to meet you”.

Chapter Text

I know it’s wrong to skip class, but Pidgeotto said we were friends. And I was in no position to pass up friends. I guess I’ll never know what I missed on that first day of health class.

Meanwhile in Health Class:

“Don’t have sex,” a teacher with a prominent orange moustache and British accent said. “Because you will get pregnant and die.” He then proceeded to hand out condoms to the class.

Back with Keith:

“Why didn’t they just keep home schooling you?” asked Pidge.

“They wanted me to get socialized.”

“Oh you’ll get socialized all right,” Matt said whilst wiggling his eyebrows. “A little slice like you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re damn sexy,” said Pidge.

“Own it,” Matt continued, smirking at him.

“How do you spell your name again Keef?” asked Pidge, scribbling into a notebook.

“Oh, its pronounced as Keith, K-E-I-T-H,” Keith corrected her.

“Yeah no, I’m gonna keep calling you Keef.”

Chapter Text

“In the name of all that is holy, would you look at Allura’s gym clothes??” Matt pointed at a slutty looking girl in hot pants.

“Of course, all The Plastics are in the same Gym class,” Pidge complained, rolling her eyes.

“Who are The Plastics?” asked Keith innocently.

“They’re teen royalty," Matt replied.

“That one there is Allura Smith,” said Pidge, pointing at the girl, “She’s one of the dumbest girls you’ll ever meet. Matt said next to her in English last year.”

“She asked me how to spell Voltron,” Matt whispered.

“And that big one with the afro,”, Pidgeotto continued, “that is Hunk Garett. He’s totally rich because his dad invented Food Goo. Hunk Garett knows everybody’s business. He knows everything about everyone.”

“That’s why his afro is so big,” whispered Matt, “its full of secrets”.

“And evil takes a human form in Lance McClain.” Pidge pointed towards a tan, brunette guy being carried by a bunch of jocks. “Don’t be fooled, because he may seem like your typical back-stabbing, slut-faced ho bag. But in reality, he is so much more than that.”

“He’s the Queen Bee, the Star. Those other two are just his workers.”

“Lance McClain. How do I even begin to explain Lance McClain…”

Chapter Text

“Lance McClain is flawless”.

“He has two Fendi purses and a Blue Lion.”

“I hear his skin’s insured for 10,000$.”

“I hear he does car commercials. In Japan.”

“His favourite movie is Go Lion.”

“One time, he met President Zarkon on a plane. And he told him that he was pretty.”

“One time he punched me in the face. It was awesome.”

“He always looks fierce. He always wins Razzle Dazzle King.”

Chapter Text

Keith was walking through the cafeteria. “Wait!” he heard someone call, “sit down”.

Keith turned around and saw that the person speaking was the infamous Lance McClain.

“Why don’t I know you?” asked Lance McClain.

“I’m new,” said Keith, “I’m from the desert.”

“What?”

“I used to be home-schooled.”

“Wait. What?”

“My mom taught me at home-“

“”I know what home schooled is. I’m not retarded. So you’ve actually never been to a real school before?”

Keith nodded.

“Shut up,” said Lance McClain.

Keith did not know how to respond.

“Shut up!” said Lance McClain, louder this time.

“I didn’t say anything,” replied Keith confused.

“Home-schooled. That’s really interesting,” said Lance, “but you’re like really hot.”

“Thank you.”

“So you agree?”

“What?”

“You think you’re really hot.”

“Oh. I don’t know...”

“Nice bracelet,” Lance went on, “is that Galra fashion?”

“Oh yeah," said Keith, “my mom’s Galra, she made it for me."

“It’s so Quiznack!” said Hunk.

“What does that mean?” asked Lance McClain.

“Oh it’s like slang. From Altea,” said Hunk.

Allura gave Keith a weird look.

“So if your mom’s Galra, why aren’t you purple?” she asked.

“Oh my God, Allura,” said Hunk, “you can’t just ask people why they’re not purple!”

Chapter Text

“Could you give us some privacy, for, like maybe one second?” asked Lance McClain.

“Yeah, sure,” said Keith.

After a few seconds of whispering with Hunk and Allura, Lance McClain turned back to Keith.

“Okay, you should just know that we don’t do this a lot, so this is, like, a really huge deal.”

“We wanna invite you to have lunch with us every day for the rest of the week!” said Hunk.

“Oh, it’s okay—”

“Coolness! So we’ll see you tomorrow,” said Lance McClain.

“On Wednesdays we wear pink!” said Allura.

Chapter Text

“Oh, my God! Okay, you have to do it, okay?” laughed Pidgeotto. “And then you’ll have to tell me all the horrible things Lance says.”

“Lance seems sweet,” said Keith

“Lance McClain is not sweet. He’s a scum ‘sucking road whore! He ruined my life!”

“He’s fabulous, but he’s evil,” added Matt.

“Why do you hate him?” asked Keith.

“What do you mean?” said Pidge

“Lance. You seem to really hate him."

“Yes, what’s your question?”

“Well, my question is why?”

“Lance started this rumour that Pidge was-“

“Matt! Shall we not?” interrupted Pidge, “now look, this isn’t about hating him, okay? I just think it would be, like, a fun little experiment if you were to hang out with them and then tell us everything that they say.”

“What do they even talk about?” asked Keith.

“Hair products.”

“The Chippendales.”

“Is that a band?” asked Keith.

“Would you just do it? Please?” Pidge insisted.

“OK, fine. Do you have anything pink?”

“No,” said Pidge.

“Yes,” said Matt, wiggling his eyebrows.

Chapter Text

By eighth period, I was so happy to get to math class. I mean, I'm good at math. I understand math. Nothing in math class could mess me up.

“Hey, do you have a pencil I can borrow?” Keith heard someone ask him. The guy sitting in front of Keith had turned around. He had a floof of white hair and a scar on his nose and Keith was instantly in love with him.

I've only had one other crush in my life, when we were 5. His name was Cosmo. It didn't work out. But this one hit me like a big, yellow school lion.

“Keith, what do you say?” asked the teacher, Mr Bandor.

He was...

“So cute,” Keith accidentally said out loud. The whole class turned to look at him. “Uhh I mean, A-sub-N equals N plus one over four.”

“That's right. That's good. Very good. All right, let's talk about your homework.”

Chapter Text

Having lunch with The Plastics was like leaving the actual world and entering "Bitch World". And Bitch World had a lot of rules.

“You can't wear a tank top two days in a row," said Hunk. “And you can only wear your hair in a man bun once a week. So…I guess you picked today.” He pointed at Keith’s man bun. “Oh, and we only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays. Now, if you break any of these rules, you can't sit with us at lunch. I mean, not just you. Like, any of us. OK, like, if I was wearing jeans today, I would be sitting over there with the art freaks."

Hunk pointed to Matt and Pidgeotto’s table. They were having a contest to see who can stick more popsicles in their mouth.

“Oh, and we always vote before we ask someone to eat lunch with us because you have to be considerate of the rest of the group," he continued. “Well, I mean, you wouldn't buy a red bolero jacket without asking your friends first if it looks good on you.”

“I wouldn't?” Keith asked, suddenly conscious of his red bolero jacket.

“Right. Oh, and it's the same with guys. Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong,” Hunk continued.

“So have you seen any guys that you think are cute yet?” interrupted Allura, looking curious.

“Well, there's this guy in my calculus class...,” said Keith, thinking of the hot fluffy haired senior.

“Who is it?” asked Hunk.

“It's a senior?” asked Allura.

“His name's Takashi Shirogane,” said Keith.

“No!” said Hunk, “Oh, no, you can't like Takashi Shirogane. That's Lance’s ex-boyfriend. They went out for a year.”

“Yeah,” said Allura.

“And then he was devastated when he broke up with him last summer," continued Hunk.

“I thought he dumped him for Ulaz?” asked Allura, now confused.

“OK, irregardless. Ex-boyfriends are just off-limits to friends. I mean, that's just, like, the rules of the bro code,” said Hunk annoyed. “Don't worry. I'll never tell Lance what you said. It'll be our little secret.”

Chapter Text

“Get in, loser. We're going shopping!” Lance called from his hot pink cabriolet.

Lance was like the barbie doll I never had. I'd never seen anybody so glamorous. Being at Space Mall with them kind of reminded me of being home in the desert. By the watering hole. When the animals are in heat.

“Oh, my God, there's Kollivan!” said Hunk.

“Where? Oh, there he is,” said Lance.

“And he's with Slav!” cried Hunk.

“I heard they're going out," said Allura.

“Wait. Kollivan's not going out with Slav!” cried Hunk.

“No. He cannot blow you off like that!” said Lance. “He's such a little skeez. Give me your phone.”

“You're not gonna call him, right?” said Hunk nervously.

“Do you think I'm an idiot?” asked Lance.

“No.”

He gave Lance his phone and Lance typed in a number.

“Hello?”

“Hello. May I please speak to Slav?” Lance said into the phone.

“He's not home yet. I'm his mom. Who's calling?”

“Oh, this is Susan from Planned Parenthood. I have his test results. If you can have him give me a call as soon as he can. It's urgent. Thank you.” Lance hung up and handed Hunk his phone back. “He's not going out with anyone.”

“OK, that was so quiznak!”

Chapter Text

After the mall, we all went to Lance McClain’s house.

“Your house is really nice,” said Keith.

“I know, right?” replied Lance.

“Make sure you check out his mom's boob job!” said Allura.

“They're hard as rocks,” added Hunk.

Suddenly Lance’s mom walked up to them. “Hey, hey, hey! How are my best girlfriends?”

“Hey, Mrs. McClain. This is Keith,” said Hunk.

“Hello, sweetheart. Welcome to our home. Just want you to know, if you need anything, don't be shy, OK? There are no rules in this house. I'm not like a regular mom. I'm a cool mom. Right, Lance?”

“Please stop talking,” said Lance.

“OK.”

Chapter Text

Then we all went to Lance’s bedroom.

“God, my hips are huge!” said Hunk, looking at himself in the mirror.

“Oh, please. I hate my calves,” said Lance.

“At least you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders,” said Allura.

I used to think there was just fat and skinny. Apparently, there's a lot of things that can be wrong with your body.

“My hairline is so weird,” said Hunk.

“My pores are huge,” said Lance.

“My nail beds suck,” said Allura.

They all turned to Keith and looked at him expectantly.

“Uhh…I have really bad breath in the morning,” said Keith.

“Ew,” said Allura.

Chapter Text

“Oh, my God, I remember this!” said Hunk, looking at a book from Lance’s shelf.

“I haven't looked at that in forever!” said Lance.

“Come check it out, Keith,” said Hunk. “It's our Burn Book. See, we cut out peoples’ pictures from the yearbook, and then we wrote comments.”

"Nyma is a grotsky little byotch."

“Still true,” commented Lance.

"Varkon is a fat virgin."

“Still half true,” added Allura.

"Adam made out with a hot dog,” Hunk continued reading aloud. "Pidge Holt: stalker."

“Who is that?” Lance asked, pointing at a picture on the next page that didn't have a written comment yet.

“I think that's that kid Matt,” said Hunk.

“Yeah. He's almost too gay to function,” said Keith, remembering what Pidgeotto had jokingly said to him.

Lance laughed. “That's funny. Put that in there.”

Oh, no. Maybe that was only OK when Pidgeotto said it.

Chapter Text

“…and they have this Burn Book where they write mean things about all the people in our grade,” explained Keith. He was visiting Pidge at the soap shop where she worked.

“What does it say about me?” asked Pidgeotto.

“You're not in it,” said Keith quickly.

“Those bitches,” muttered Pidge, looking murderous.

“Will this minimize my pores?” asked Matt, holding up a can of moisturizer.

“No. Keith, you gotta steal that book!” said Pidge.

“No way!” said Keith.

“Oh, come on. We could publish it, and then everybody would see what an ax-wound Lance McClain really is,” insisted Pidge.

“I don't steal,” said Keith frowning.

“Keith, there are two kinds of evil people. People who do evil stuff, and people who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it,” said Pidge.

“Does that mean I'm morally obligated to burn that lady's outfit?” asked Matt.

Chapter Text

“So when are you gonna see Lance again?” asked Pidge.

“I can't spy on him anymore. It's weird,” said Keith.

“Come on, he's never gonna find out. It'll be like our little secret.”

Later that day, Keith got a phone call.

“Hello?”

“I know your secret.” It was Lance.

Oh, God, busted. Just start apologizing and crying. No, play it cool.

“Secret? What are you talking about?” asked Keith.

“Hunk told me that you like Takashi Shirogane. I mean, I don't care, do whatever you want. But let me just tell you something about Shiro: All he cares about is school and his mom and his friends.”

“…Is that bad?” wondered Keith.

“But if you like him... Whatever. I mean, I could talk to him for you if you want,” continued Lance.

“Really? You would do that? I mean, nothing embarrassing, though, right?” Keith said excitedly.

“Oh, no, trust me. I know exactly how to play it,” Lance assured him. “But wait. Aren't you so mad at Hunk for telling me? Because if you are, you can tell me. It was a really bitchy thing for him to do.”

“Yeah, it was pretty bitchy, but I'm not mad. I mean, I guess he just likes the attention,” said Keith.

“See, Hunk? I told you he's not mad at you,” Lance said, and Keith realised that Hunk was also on the phone line.

“I can't believe you think I like attention!” Hunk cried.

“OK, love you. See you tomorrow,” said Lance and ended the call.

Chapter Text

I had survived my first three-way calling attack. And with Lance's blessing, I started talking to Shiro more and more. On October 23rd, he asked me what day it was.

“It's October 23rd,” Keith said.

Two weeks later, we spoke again.

“It's raining,” said Shiro.

“Yeah,” said Keith.

But I wanted things to move faster. So I followed my instincts.

“Hey, I'm totally lost. Can you help me?” asked Keith, pointing to a math equation on the board.

But I wasn't lost. I knew exactly what Mr. Bandor was talking about.

“Yeah,” said Shiro, “It's a factorial, so you multiply each one by N."

Wrong.

“Is that the summation?” asked Keith, just to be sure.

“Yeah, they're the same thing,” explained Shiro.

Wrong. He was so wrong.

“Thanks. I... I get it now,” said Keith.

"OK. See you guys tomorrow,” said Mr. Bandor as he finished his lecture.

“We're having a Halloween party at my friend Kollivan’s tonight,” said Shiro before leaving class, “You wanna come?”

“Yeah, sure!” said Keith.

“Great. Here's where it is. It's a costume party. People get pretty into it.”

“OK.”

“That flier admits one person only, so don't bring some other guy with you,” said Shiro teasingly.

"Grool," said Keith, then mentally facepalmed, “I meant to say "cool" and then I started to say "great".”

“Right. Well... grool,” laughed Shiro, “See you tonight.”

Chapter Text

In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Bitch World, Halloween is the one night a year when you can dress like a total slut and no one can say anything about it. The hard-core people just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears.

“What are you?” asked Hunk. He was wearing a low-cut catsuit, heels and cat ears.

“I’m a mouse, duh,” replied Allura. She was wearing a bikini top, a micromini, thigh high boots, tons of make-up and mouse ears.

Unfortunately, no one told me about the slut rule. So I showed up like this.

Keith walked into the party dressed as Mothman. He wore a pair of giant moth wings and an ugly moth mask covered his head.

“Hey!” said Shiro, walking over to him.

“Hey,” said Keith.

“You made it! And you are... Mothman. Love it. Can I get you something to drink?”

“Yeah,” said Keith.

“Be right back.”

Chapter Text

“I need to talk to you," said Lance, pulling Shiro with him by his arm. “You know that guy Keith?”

“Yeah, he's cool," said Shiro, looking over to where Keith was standing. “I invited him tonight.”

“Well, be careful because he has a huge crush on you," said Lance.

“Really? How do you know?" asked Shiro.

“Because he told me. He tells everybody. It's kind of cute, actually. He's like a little girl. He, like, writes all over his notebook, ‘Mrs. Takashi Shirogane’ and he made this T-shirt that says ‘I heart Shiro’ and he wears it under all his clothes.”

“Oh, come on," said Shiro.

“Well, who can blame him?” said Lance. “I mean, you're gorgeous. And OK, look, I'm not saying he's a stalker, but he saved this Kleenex you used and he said he's gonna do some kind of African voodoo with it to make you like him.”

“What?”

Keith looked over to them and grinned.

This was it. Lance said he would talk to Shiro for me, and now he was.

“I know he's kind of socially retarded and weird, but he's my friend, so just promise me you won't make fun of him," said Lance.

“Of course I'm not gonna make fun of him," said Shiro.

How could Pidgeotto hate Lance McClain? He was such a good...

Suddenly Lance kissed Shiro. Keith gasped.

SLUT!

“What are you doing? You broke up with me!" said Shiro, pulling away.

“That's crazy. Why would I break up with you? You're so hot.”

They went back to kissing. Keith was in shock.

I had never felt this feeling before. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. My stomach felt like it was going to fall out my butt. I had this lump in my throat like after you dry-swallow a big pill. I hated Lance McClain. I hated him!

Chapter Text

“He took him back. Lance took Shiro back!" said Keith hysterically. He was back with Matt and Pidgeotto after the party.

“Oh, no, Keith. Why would he do that?” said Matt.

“Because he's a life-ruiner," said Pidge furiously. “He ruins people's lives.

“Like when we were younger he made people sign this petition saying that Pidge was...”

“Matt! Please!” interrupted Pidge. “Look, he's not gonna get away with this again, OK? We're gonna do something.”

“We are?” asked Keith.

“Lance McClain is an evil dictator," said Pidge. “Now, how do you overthrow a dictator? You cut off his resources. Lance would be nothing without his high-status man candy, technically good physique and his ignorant band of loyal followers. Now, Keith, if we want this to work, you are gonna have to keep hanging out with them like nothing is wrong. Can you do it?”

“I can do it," said Keith.

“OK," said Pidge, “Let's rock this bitch.”

Chapter Text

Pretending like nothing was wrong turned out to be surprisingly easy.

“Lance wanted me to tell you that he was trying to hook you up with Shiro, but Shiro was just interested in getting him back," said Hunk sympathetically, “And that's not Lance’s fault.”

“No, I know," said Keith, lying through his teeth.

“OK, so you're not mad at Lance?" asked Hunk, unsure.

“God, no," said Keith with a laugh.

“Oh, OK, good," said Hunk relieved, “Because Lance wanted me to give you this.”

Hunk hugged Keith tightly. Then they went to eat lunch.

“It's called the South Beach Fat Flush, and all you drink is cranberry juice for hours," explained Lance to Shiro, whilst pointing at what seemed like a normal smoothie to Keith.

“This isn't even cranberry juice. It's cranberry juice cocktail. It's all sugar," said Shiro

“I wanna lose pounds," explained Lance with a laugh.

“You're crazy," said Shiro fondly.

“Why do you wear your hair like that?” said Lance, ruffling through Shiro's floof to fix up his hairstyle. “Your hair looks so sexy pushed back.” He turned to Keith. “Keith, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?”

Lance McClain was dangling Shiro in front of me on purpose. I knew how this would be settled in the desert. But this was Bitch World.

“Your hair looks sexy pushed back," said Keith.

And in Bitch World, all the fighting had to be sneaky.

“All this cranberry juice is making me break out in hives," complained Lance.

“Wait. I have this really good skin stuff I'll bring you," said Keith, forming a plan in his head.

“OK," smiled Lance.

Chapter Text

We kept our eyes open for opportunities for sabotage.

“Lance!” said Keith. “Here you go.” He handed him the face cream that he had promised to bring Lance, only it wasn’t actually face cream but instead a mix of the strangest ingredients that he and Pidgeotto could come up with.

“Thank you," said Lance.

A few weeks later, after Lance had been using that stuff for a while, Keith spotted him making out with Shiro.

“Your face smells like peppermint," smiled Shiro.

“This is ass, you guys," said Keith. “It's been a month, and all we've done is make Lance's face smell like a foot.”

“We gotta crack Hunk Garrett. We crack Hunk, and then we crack the lock on Lance’s whole dirty history," explained Pidge. “All right, let's reconvene tonight.”

“I can't," said Keith, “I have to go to Lance’s to practice for the talent show. We're doing a dance to this song...”

"Jingle Bell Rock," said Matt.

“You guys know that song?” asked Keith.

“Everybody in the English-speaking world knows that song," laughed Matt. “They do it every year.”

“Well, I have to learn it," groaned Keith. Suddenly he spotted Lance coming around the corner. “Go!” he said to Pidge and Matt, knowing that Lance would ask why he had been talking with them. They hurried away.

Chapter Text

“Hey” said Lance, walking up to Keith. “Why were you talking to Pidge Holt?”

“I don't know, I mean, she's so weird!" said Keith, “She just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack.”

“She's so pathetic," sighed Lance, “Let me tell you something about Pidge Holt... we were best friends in middle school."

Keith looked absolutely shocked by this news.

“I know, right?” laughed Lance, “It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade”, he continued explaining, “I started going out with my first boyfriend, Rolo, who was totally gorgeous, but then he moved away. And Pidge was, like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Lotor, she'd be like, ‘Why didn't you call me back?’ And I'd be like, ‘Why are you so obsessed with me?’ So then, for my birthday party, which was a pool party, I was like, ‘Pidge, I can't invite you, because I think you're a stalker.’ I mean, I couldn't have a creepy stalker at my party! Who knows what she'd do? I mean, right? She was a stalker. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her. It was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her. When she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.”

“Oh, my God!” exclaimed Lance suddenly, looking at a girl passing by, “I love your skirt. Where did you get it?”

“It was my mom's in the 80's," explained the girl, smiling.

“Vintage. So adorable," said Lance. The girl said: “Thanks!” and walked on.

“That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen," said Lance to Keith once she was gone.

Keith suddenly got a flashback to their first meeting.

“Oh, my God, I love your bracelet. Where did you get it?” Lance had exclaimed.

“So are you gonna send any candy canes?” asked Keith, changing the topic.

“No. I don't send them, I just get them," said Lance with a smile, “So you better send me one, byotch. Love you.” And he walked off, blowing Keith a kiss as he left.

I was definitely sending him one. I was gonna use three candy canes to crack Hunk Garett.

“Three, please.”

Chapter Text

“Candy cane-grams!” Matt walked into the classroom bearing a sack full of candy canes.

“OK, hurry up,” said the teacher.

“Acxa? Two for you. Bii-Boh-Bi? Four for you, Bii-Boh-Bi! You go, Bii-Boh-Bi!” Matt handed out their candy canes. “And Keef Kogane? Do we have a Keef Kogane here?”

“It's Keith,” said Keith.

“Oh, Keith, here you go.” Matt handed him a candy cane with a wink. “One for you and none for Hunk Garrett. Byeeee.”

“Who's that from?” asked Hunk, trying to sound not upset.

Keith opened the note attached to his candy cane. " ‘Thanks for being such a great best friend. Love, Lancey Lance.’ Aww, that's so sweet!”

Hunk forced a smile.

Once Hunk thought Lance was mad at him, the secrets started pouring out. All I had to do was wait for one we could use.

Chapter Text

“Welcome to the Garrison High winter talent show. Let me hear you make some noise!” yelled Coran, a teacher that was more commonly known as moustache man. The crowd gave a half-hearted whoop. “All right, settle down,” continued Coran, “Our first act calls himself a star on the rise. Let's hear it for Matt.”

“Don't look at me,” said Matt, dramatically hiding his face, before singing: “Every day is so wonderful-“

Meanwhile, backstage, Hunk was finally cracking. “I mean, why would Lance send you guys candy canes and not me?” he asked hysterically.

“Maybe he forgot about you,” said Allura, not helping.

“Yeah, Lance has been acting kind of weird lately. I mean, is something bothering him?” asked Keith.

“Well, I mean, his parents totally don't sleep in the same bed anymore, if that's what you mean,” said Hunk, only then realizing what he had said, “Oh, my God! Don't tell him I told you that.”

Matt was meanwhile still singing, “I am beautiful in every single way. Yes, words can't bring me down.” One of the jocks in the front row threw a shoe at Matt, who responded with singing, “Don't you bring me down today” and throwing the shoe twice as hard back.

Hunk was still not over the candy cane issue. “I mean, no offense, but why would he send you a candy cane? He doesn't even like you that much. Maybe he feels weird around me because I'm the only person that knows about his nose job. Oh, my God. Pretend you didn't hear that.”

It was finally time for the Plastics to do their performance. “Does it bother you that they still use your original choreography?” Matt asked Pidgeotto, who just replied with, “Shut up.”

The Plastics took their pose. “Hunk, switch sides with Keith,” whispered Lance.

“But I'm always on your left,” argued Hunk.

“That was when there were three of us,” said Lance, annoyed, “and now the tallest go in the middle.”

“But the whole dance will be backwards. I'm always on your left,” said Hunk.

“And right now you're getting on my last nerve. Switch.”

“And finally,” said Coran, “please welcome to the stage Santa's Paladins doing "Jingle Bell Rock".

The music started playing and the Plastics started sexually swaying their hips in perfect sync.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock, Jingle bells swing, And jingle bells ring, Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun, Now the jingle hop has begun, Jingle bell, jingle bell, Jingle bell rock, Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time, Dancing and prancing in Jingle bell Square, In the fr...

Hunk, confused with the choreography accidentally knocked over the stereo player and stopped the music. They all stood there awkwardly, until Keith started singing: “What a bright time. It's the right time. To rock the night away”

One by one the crowd joined in:

Jingle bell time is a swell time, To go riding in a one-horse sleigh, Giddyap jingle horse, Pick up your feet, Jingle around the clock, Mix and mingle in a jingling beat, That's the jingle bell, That's the jingle bell, That's the jingle bell rock!

They posed. “That was the best it ever went!” whispered Allura excitedly.

“That was awesome,” laughed Shiro, who met them backstage.

“That was so quiznak!” agreed Hunk.

“Hunk, stop trying to make "quiznak" happen. It's not going to happen,” said Lance, annoyed again.

Chapter Text

"Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet?” Hunk presented his essay about Caesar in class but got slightly off track. “What's so great about Caesar?? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar! Brutus is just as smart as Caesar! People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar! And when did it become OK for one person to be the boss of everybody? Because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!!"

Hunk Garrett had cracked.

“OK, if you even knew how mean he really is,” Hunk said when he was alone with Keith in the bathroom. “You know that I'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah. Two years ago, he told me that hoop earrings were his thing and that I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for my Hanukkah, my parents got me this pair of really expensive white-gold hoops. And I had to pretend like I didn't even like them! And it was so sad.”

Keith nodded sympathetically.

“And you know he cheats on Shiro? Yes. Every Thursday Shiro thinks he's doing SAT prep. But really, he's hooking up with Prince Lotor in the projection room above the auditorium, and I never told anybody that, because –,“ Hunk gasped, “I'm such a good friend!”

Jackpot. Hunk's secret had put the plan back in motion.

Chapter Text

After Christmas break, we tried every Thursday to help Shiro catch Lance in the act. And failed multiple times.

“Hey.” Keith smiled at Shiro, relaxing against his locker.

“Hey, what's up?” said Shiro, smiling.

Suddenly, Matt, disguised with sunglasses and a hat, ran past, swiping up Keith’s bag.

“My bag!” exclaimed Keith. Shiro immediately started running after Matt. “Looks like he's headed for the projection room above the auditorium!” Keith shouted after them.

When Matt and Shiro barrelled into the room, they were both shocked to see Coran and Prince Lotor making out, with no sign of Lance anywhere.

“Coach Coran? Prince Lotor?” asked Shiro stunned, whilst Matt facepalmed.

…

“Guys, why did we think we could do this? We're amateurs,” complained Keith.

“No, we just have to regroup. Think outside the box,” said Pidge, then noticing a protein bar on Keith’s lunch tray. “Hey, what are Kaltenecker bars?”

“They're these weird Galra nutrition bars,” explained Keith, “My mom used to give them to the kids in the desert to help them gain weight.”

…

“They're these weird nutrition bars my mom uses to lose weight,” said Keith to Lance.

“Give me it,” Lance demanded, then noticed he couldn’t read the description. “It's all in, like, Galra or something.”

“Yeah, you know, there's some weird ingredient in them that's not legal anywhere on Earth yet,” said Keith.

“Ephedrine?” asked Lance.

“No,” said Keith.

“Phentermine?”

“No. It burns carbs. It just burns up all your carbs.”

“I really wanna lose 10 pounds,” said Lance, looking at the bar thoughtfully, then glaring at the others, silently urging them to say what he wanted to hear.

“Oh, my God, what are you talking about? You're so skinny,” said Hunk.

“Shut up,” said Lance, rolling his eyes.

Chapter Text

The weird thing about hanging out with Lance was that I could hate him, and at the same time, I still wanted him to like me.

“You have really good eyebrows,” Lance said, when they were hanging out at his house one day and giving Keith a makeover.

“Thanks,” smiled Keith.

“Move,” Lance hissed at Hunk, who was standing in between Keith and him.

Same with Hunk. The meaner Lance was to him, the more Hunk tried to win Lance back. He knew it was better to be in The Plastics, hating life, than to not be in at all. Because being with The Plastics was like being famous. People looked at you all the time, and everybody just knew stuff about you.

“That new guy moved here from the desert.”

“I saw Keith Kogane wearing booty shorts and flip-flops, so I bought booty shorts and flip-flops.”

“That Keith guy is hot. He might even be hotter than Lance McClain.”

“I hear Lance McClain is dating Shiro again. The two were seen canoodling at Kolivan’s Halloween party. They've been inseparable ever since.”

I was a man possessed. I spent about 90% of my time talking about Lance. And the other 10% of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring him up so I could talk about him more.

“He's not even that good-looking if you really look at him,” Keith said, when he visited Pidgeotto at work one day.

“I don't know,” said Pidge. “Now that's he's getting fatter, he's got pretty big jugs.”

I could hear people getting bored with me. But I couldn't stop. It just kept coming up like word vomit.

“I have this theory that if you cut all his hair off, he'd look like an Altean pornstar.”

“Yeah, I know.” Pidge rolled her eyes. “You told me that one before. Hey, on another note, I'm having an art show soon. So why don't you take a night off from your double life. I want you to see it.”

Keith gave her a polished smile. “Coolness.”

Pidge furrowed her brows. “What is that smell?”

“Oh, Lance gave me some perfume.”

“You smell like a baby prostitute.”

“ Aw thanks!”

Chapter Text

Meanwhile, I was finding any excuse I could to talk to Shiro.

“I don't get this,” Keith said, pointing to a math equation. “Do you get any of this?”

That moment the maths teacher walked by. “Nice job, Keith,” he said, handing Keith his exam, with a big A marked on top.

“Kind of seems like you get it,” said Shiro, with an eyebrow raised, smiling slightly.

If I was gonna keep this going, I was gonna have to really commit.

…

“Not your best,” said the maths teacher, handing Keith his test.

“Damn, Desert, what happened?” asked a nearby student. Keith ignored him though, in favour of Shiro.

“How'd you do?” Shiro asked.

“Not so good,” said Keith, sighing, “You know, I think I need a tutor.”

“I'll tutor you, if you ever wanna get together after school or something,” offered Shiro.

“Do you think Lance would mind?” asked Keith.

“No. You guys are friends,” said Shiro, then actually thought about it, “Well, maybe we just won't tell him.”

…

They were at Keith’s house, for the tutoring.

“So, what did you get for this one?” asked Keith.

“Well, the first time I did it, I got a zero,” said Shiro.

Wrong.

“But then when I checked it, I got... ...one,” said Shiro.

There you go.

“I got one too,” said Keith smiling.

“Yeah, you have to check it because sometimes the product of two negative integers is a positive number,” explained Shiro. “Patience yields focus.”

“Yeah, like negative four and negative six,” said Keith.

“That's right. That's good,” smiled Shiro.

“Well, you're a good tutor,” Keith said flirtatiously. They leaned closer. Inside Keith was freaking out, were they going to kiss?

“Man, look, I... I can't do this,” said Shiro, pulling back, “It's not fair to Lance.”

“Why do you like him?” asked Keith, upset that he was being spurned.

“Look, I know he can be really mean sometimes, but...,” started Shiro.

“Then why do you like him?” asked Keith, frustrated.

“Why do you?” countered Shiro, “Look, there's good and bad to everybody. Right? Lance’s just... He's just more up-front about it.”

Oh, no. It was coming up. The word vomit. I didn't mean to say it, but...

“He’s cheating on you!” blurted Keith out.

“What?” asked Shiro shocked.

…

“Did he say why?” Hunk asked a crying Lance. The Plastics were all comforting Lance in his gigantic bedroom.

“Somebody told him about Prince Lotor!” Lance cried out.

“Who?” asked Hunk shocked.

“He said some guy on the baseball team.”

“Baseball team?” wondered Hunk, not knowing anyone on the baseball team that had known of the affair.

“I gave him everything!” Lance cried out, “I was half a virgin when I met him!”

“You wanna do something fun?” asked Allura, “You wanna go to Taco Bell?”

“I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all-carb diet!” yelled Lance, “God, Allura, you are so stupid!”

With that, Lance stormed out the room, with Hunk following closely behind. “Lance, wait. Talk to me!” “Nobody understands me!” “I understand you!”

Keith took that moment to talk to Allura alone. “You're not stupid, Allura.”

“No. I am, actually,” smiled Allura, shrugging her shoulders, “I'm failing almost everything.”

“Well, there must be something you're good at!” said Keith.

Allura thought for a second, then exclaimed, “I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see?”

“No. That's OK,” said Keith, “Anything else?”

“I'm kind of psychic,” said Allura, “I have a fifth sense.”

“What do you mean?” asked Keith.

“It's like I have ESPN or something,” said Allura, “My breasts can always tell when it's gonna rain.”

“Really? That's amazing,” said Keith, not knowing what else to say to that.

“Well, they can tell when it's raining,” clarified Allura.

Chapter Text

I have to admit; I was mildly horrified when Shiro didn't immediately ask me to be his boyfriend. I mean, I know he was sad, but how much time did he need? Lance had moved on.

In fact, Lance had officially gotten together with Lotor and was making out with him in his bed when Lance’s mom peeked in through the door.

“Do you guys need anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know. Love you!”

But overall, the plan was going pretty well. Shiro had dumped Lance, and he was unknowingly eating 3000 calories a day. It was time to turn our attention to the army of skanks.

“And finally,” a voice sounded over the school speakers, “…the nominees for Razzle Dazzle King are as follows: Lance McClain…”

At that, Lance flipped his hair and looked around the classroom for approval.

“…Hunk Garrett…”

Hunk looked up, completely surprised, before smiling from ear to ear.

“…Pidgeotto Holt…”

“What is happening to the world?” Lance asked himself.

“I couldn't help myself,” Matt grinned. “It was so easy.”

“…And the final nominee… Keith Kogane!”

Keith gasped and leaned over to Matt. “Matt, you put me in there too? That's not part of the plan!”

“I didn't put you in there,” grinned Matt.

“You mean I'm really nominated? Huh.” Keith flipped his hair Lance-McClain-style and smiled.

In January, Lance had put a Razzle Dazzle dress on hold at a store called The Balmera. But being Plastic, he needed our advice before he could actually buy it.

“Can someone zip me up?”

Hunk stepped behind Lance to do the job. “It won't close!”

“It's a size 6! It should fit!” Lance snapped.

“OK, it must be marked wrong,” said Hunk.

“Keith, all I've been eating are these Kaltenecker bars. They suck.”

“No, no, this is just how they work!” Keith explained. “This is all your water weight. First you bloat, and then you drop pounds like that.” He snapped his fingers.

Lance looked as if he didn’t quite believe that.

“Well, the Kaltenecker bars have burned up all your carbs, and now your body's just running on water,” Keith lied through his teeth. “But once the water's gone, then you'll be all muscle. It explains it all on the label.”

“You know Galra?” asked Lance.

“Yeah, everyone in the desert can read Galra.”

Meanwhile, Hunk had called for assistance. “Ma'am, do you have this in the next size up?”

“Sorry,” a bitchy store lady remarked. “We only carry up to size 6. You could try at Varkon’s.”

Lance, Hunk and Allura gasped, scandalized.

Chapter Text

“Keith,” called his math teacher, Mr. Bandor, after class, “I need your parents to sign this, so they know that you're failing.”

“Failing?” Keith asked shocked.

“You know what's weird about your quizzes, Keith, is that all the work is right and just the answers are wrong,” his teacher continued.

“Really?” asked Keith, unable to come up with a good excuse.

“Really,” Bandor sighed, “Keith, I know that having a boyfriend may seem like the most important thing in the world right now, but you don't have to dumb yourself down to get guys to like you.”

How would you know?

“I know,” Bandor smiled self-depreciatingly, “’How would I know’, right? I'm divorced. I'm broke from getting divorced. And you know why? Because I'm a pusher. I push people. I pushed my husband into law school. That was a bust. I pushed myself into working three jobs. And now I'm gonna push you because I know you're smarter than this.”

“Thanks, Mr. Bandor,” said Keith, “And if there's anything I can do for extra credit, please let me know.”

“Oh, I will,” said Bandor, smiling.

…

“I hate him! I mean, he’s totally failing me on purpose, because I actually have a life. He was so queer. He was like, ‘I'm a pusher, Keith. I'm a pusher.’ What does that even mean?”

“Like a drug pusher?” Allura asked.

“Probably.” Keith agreed in his anger, “he said he works three jobs. You know, I bet he sells drugs on the side, to pay for his pathetic divorce.”

“You let it out, honey,” Lance McClain laughed, “Put it in the book.”

And Keith did.

Chapter Text

I know it may look like I'd become a bitch, but that's only because I was acting like a bitch.

“Hey, I called you last night. How come you didn't call me back?”, Pidge asked, when she was on the phone with Keith.

“Oh, I got busy. Sorry.”

“So you need a ride to my art show this weekend?” she asked.

“No. I have to go to Madison with my parents. I'm so sorry,” said Keith.

“Well, you wanna watch a movie tonight?”

“Can't. I'm doing major Plastic sabotage tonight.”

“Oh. But we don't have anything planned for tonight?” Pidge wondered.

“Oh, I planned this one on my own,” Keith said mischievously. “Love you. Bye.”

Shortly after, Keith was on the phone with Lance.

“Hunk thinks you're mad at him because he's running for Razzle Dazzle King.”

“Oh, my God, I'm not mad at him!” exclaimed Lance. “I'm worried about him. I think somebody nominated him as a joke or something. And when nobody votes for him, he's gonna have a total meltdown. And who's gonna have to take care of him? Me.”

Keith could almost hear Lance rolling his eyes over the phone. “So you don't think anyone will vote for him?”

“Keith, he’s not pretty. I mean, that sounds bad, but whatever. The Razzle Dazzle Royalty is always pretty. And the crazy thing is that it should be Allura, but people forget about her because she's such a slut. Anyway, I gotta go. I'm going to bed.”

Lance hung up. Keith pressed a button on his phone that switched to the other line over which Hunk had heard his entire conversation with Lance.

“Well, he's not mad at you,” said Keith.

“Hold on,” said Hunk and dialled Allura’s number to add her to the phone call.

“Hello?” said Allura.

“If someone said something bad about you, you'd want me to tell you, right?” Hunk asked hysterically.

There was a brief pause. “No,” said Allura.

“What if it was someone you thought was your friend?”

“What are you...?” Allura paused. “Hold on. Other line.”

“I'm not taking this anymore,” Hunk complained to Keith, while they waited for Allura to re-join the call.

“Good for you, Hunk,” said Keith.

Meanwhile, on Allura’s other line: “Hello?”

“Let's go out,” Lance said.

“OK. Hold on. I'm on the other line with Hunk.”

“Don't invite Hunk! He's driving me nuts!”

“Hold on.”

“OK, hurry up.”

Allura switched back to the call with Hunk and Keith. “It's Lance,” she said. “He wants to hang out with me tonight, but he told me not to tell you.”

“Do not hang out with him!” cried Hunk.

“Why?”

“You don't want me to tell you.”

“You can tell me. Hold on.” Allura went to switch back to her call with Lance. “Oh, my God, he's so annoying!”

“…Who is?” asked Hunk.

“…Who's this?” asked Allura.

“Hunk.”

“Right. Hold on.”

This time Allura pressed the right button and was back on the line with Lance. “Oh, my God, he's so annoying.”

“I know! Just get rid of him.”

Allura switched back to Keith and Hunk. “OK. What is it?”

“Lance says everyone hates you because you're such a slut!” Hunk burst out.

“He said that?” Allura asked, shocked.

“You didn't hear it from me,” said Hunk.

“Little harsh, Hunk,” Keith said once Allura had left the call.

“Whatever. She has a right to know.”

Meanwhile, Allura was back on the line with Lance. “I can't go out,” she said and fake coughed. “I'm sick.”

“Boo. You whore,” said Lance.

Chapter Text

“Lance, we have to talk to you,” Hunk said nervously.

“Is butter a carb?” asked Lance, distracted.

“Yes,” said Allura, happy to know the answer.

“Lance, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday,” said Hunk.

“So?” Lance asked annoyed.

“So that's against the rules and you can't sit with us,” said Hunk.

“Whatever. Those rules aren't real,” said Lance.

“They were real that day I wore a vest!” countered Hunk.

“Because that vest was disgusting!” said Lance, frowning. It really was.

“You can't sit with us!” Hunk screamed, nearly hysteric.

Lance for once looked vulnerable. “These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.”

But Hunk was not giving in.

“Fine,” said Lance, getting up, “you can walk home, bitches!”

…

Hunk and Allura followed me around all afternoon.

“So, what are we doing this weekend?” asked Hunk.

“Yeah, what are we doing?” asked Allura, happily.

“Oh, I have to go to Madison with my parents,” said Keith.

“What...?” they asked confused.

“We have tickets for this thing,” Keith explained further.

“What?” asked Hunk.

“What?” mirrored Allura.

Was I the new queen bee?

“I can try and get out of it,” Keith suggested.

“Yeah,” said Hunk.

“Yeah. Yeah,” said Allura.

…

“Because I told my friend Pidge, I'd go to their art show,” Keith told his parents.

“We've had these tickets for months,” Krolia, his mom said, “You love Ladysmith Black Mambazo.”

“But Pidge is my friend, and I made her a promise,” argued Keith.

“I think Keith’s old enough to spend one night on his own,” his dad contributed.

I had learned how to control everyone around me.

“Hey. I'm having a small get-together at my house tomorrow night.” Keith smiled at Shiro.

“Is Lance going?” asked Shiro.

“No. Do you think I'm an idiot?” laughed Keith, “no, it's just gonna be a few cool people, and you better be one of them, byotch.”

“Fine, I'll go,” smiled Shiro.

“Shut up.” Keith smiled, “I love that shirt on you.”

Chapter Text

Shiro was going to be in my house at my party. Everything had to be perfect. And this time when Shiro saw me, I wouldn't be caught in some ridiculous costume.

“Hey, guys,” Keith said, inviting Hunk and Allura to come inside.

“You look awesome!” they both commented on his outfit, which consisted of the tiniest pink and black dress and ridiculously high heels.

“I know, right?” Keith grinned. “OK, so I got enough cheese and crackers for eight people. Do you think that's enough?”

“Yeah,” Hunk said quickly, side-eyeing Allura.

“Yeah. Oh, yeah,” Allura confirmed.

It was not enough. Somehow, the word had gotten out about my small get-together. More and more people showed up and soon the house was completely filled with people I barely even knew.

“Have you guys seen Shiro yet?” Keith asked Hunk and Allura after he had managed to find them in the crowd.

“No,” said Hunk, shrugging. He was pretty drunk already.

…

Meanwhile, Lance who had been on a date night with Prince Lotor happened to drive by Keith’s house. He gasped when he saw it was filled with people, loud music playing. “He thinks he's gonna have a party and not invite me?? Who does he think he is?”

“You're right, hon,” said Lotor.

“I, like, invented him, you know what I mean?” cried Regina.

…

“Hey! Put that down!” shouted Keith. This party had gotten slightly out of control and there was still no sign of Shiro.

Was Shiro blowing me off?

Finally, Shiro showed up and they ran into each other. “I've been looking for you everywhere!” said Keith excitedly, his voice slurring a little bit from having drunk too much.

“Me too,” said Shiro. “You look... wow. New clothes?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

They ended up upstairs in Keith’s bedroom, sitting next to each other on his bed.

“Thanks for getting me to come out tonight,” said Shiro.

“Yeah, sure, no problem.”

“I wasted too much time being pissed off at Lance. No more liars.”

“I would never lie to you!” said Keith. “Although... OK, listen. I mean, I did lie to you once, but you're totally gonna laugh when I tell you, so...”

“Tell me what?”

“I pretended to be bad at math so that you'd help me. But the thing is, I'm not really bad at math. I'm actually really good at math. You're kind of bad at math. Anyways, now I'm failing. Isn't that funny?” Keith giggled drunkenly.

“Wait. You're failing on purpose?” Shiro asked confused. “That's stupid.”

“No. Not on purpose. Just, you know... I just wanted a reason to talk to you.”

“So why didn't you just talk to me?”

“Well, because I couldn't,” explained Keith. “Because of Lance. Because you were his property...”

“His property??”

“No. Shut up. Not his property...”

“No, don't tell me to shut up.” Shiro was getting angry. “God, you know what? You are just like a clone of Lance.”

“Oh, no, no, listen to me! You're not listening to me...”

Oh, no. It was coming up again. Word vomit. No, wait a minute...

Keith suddenly vomited all over Shiro.

“What the hell?!” Shiro yelled.

Actual vomit.

Shiro shook his head at Keith, got up and left without another word.

“Shiro! Shiro, wait!” Keith cried. Keith ran after him until he was outside the house, but there was no sign of Shiro anywhere. He did, however, see Pidge and Matt who were just driving back home after the art show and realized that Keith had lied to them about going to Madison when they spotted him outside his crowded house.

“Oh, God,” mumbled Keith.

“You dirty little liar!” Pidge shouted out of the car window.

“I'm sorry! I can explain.”

“Explain how you forgot to invite us to your party?” Pidge shouted.

The car was still moving, but Matt had slowed it down to a walking pace. “Pidge, I cannot stop this car. We have a curfew.”

“You know I couldn't invite you!” Keith shouted back, walking beside the moving car. “I had to pretend to be Plastic!”

“Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore,” Pidge sneered. “You're Plastic. Cold, shiny, hard Plastic.”

“Curfew, 1 a.m. It is now 00:59,” Matt said.

“Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other's awesomeness?”

“You're the one who made me like this!” Keith shouted. “So you could use me for your eighth-grade revenge!”

“God! See, at least me and Lance McClain know we're mean. You try to act like you're so innocent. Like, ‘Oh, I used to live in the desert with all the little birdies and the little monkeys.’” Pidge shouted back.

“You know what? It's not my fault you're in love with me or something!” cried Keith.

“What?!”

“Oh, no she did not!” snapped Matt.

“See? That is the thing with you Plastics,” said Pidge. “You think that everybody is in love with you, when actually, everybody hates you. Like Shiro, for example. He broke up with Lance and guess what. He still doesn't want you. So why are you still messing with Lance, Keith? I'll tell you why. Because you are a mean guy! You're a bitch! A legendary bitch! Here. You can have this.” Pidge chucked something out of the car. It was a painting of herself together with Matt and Keith, looking like the best of friends. “It won a prize.”

With that, Matt sped up the car again. “And I want my pink shirt back!” he shouted before driving off.

Chapter Text

“It's like I can't trust anyone anymore,” Lance cried out to Lotor. Upset, he got into the car and took out a bar to eat.

“Why are you eating a Kaltenecker bar?” Lotor asked confused.

“I'm starving,” Lance said glaring back at Lotor.

“Man, I hate those things,” Lotor went on, “Coach Coran makes us eat those when we wanna move up a weight class.”

“What?” said Lance, turning to look at Lotor.

“They make you gain weight like crazy,” Lotor explained.

Lance took a big breath, “Mother******!”

…

Lance screamed hysterically all the way back to his bedroom, where he tore the Burn Book from his bookcase. He took a picture of him and Keith, smiling happily at the camera and cut it apart. He then took out a red marker and wrote down in big cow letters. ‘This man is the nastiest skank bitch, I've ever met. Do not trust him! He is a fugly slut!!!’

He took out the glue and pasted the picture of himself on the page.

…

The next day, Lance was in the principal’s office. Crying.

“I found it in the men’s bathroom,” he said, pointing at the Burn Book. “It's just so mean.”

“Is this true?” Principal Alfor asked, “Prince Lotor made out with Coach Coran?”

Lance nodded, dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief. “Good Lord,” said Alfor, “What's that say? Trigel is a...?”

“Fat whore,” Lance supplied. Then cried some more.

“OK, calm down, Mister McClain,” the principal said.

“Why would someone write that?” Lance cried out, “That's just so mean!”

“Don't worry,” Principal Alfor said, “we're gonna find out who did it.”

“There's only three people in the whole school who aren't in it,” Lance supplied.

…

“At your age, you're gonna be having a lot of urges. You're gonna want to take off your clothes and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia. And die,” Coach Coran said to the class. A student walked in and interrupted, “Coach Coran?” “Yes?” he asked. The student handed him a note; Coran read the note then turned to the class.

“Keith Kogane, they wanna see you in the principal's office.”

…

“In here, Mister Kogane,” said Principal Alfor.

“What's going on?” Keith asked.

“Have a seat, Mister Kogane.”

Keith took a seat next to Hunk and Allura who were also there.

Principal Alfor took out the Burn Book. “Have you ever seen this before?” he asked.

“No,” Keith lied through his teeth. Then admitted, “I mean, yes, I've seen it before, but it's not mine.”

“You better get your story straight, Mister Kogane, because I'm not messing around here,” Principal Alfor said sternly.

“It's not ours, it's Lance’s,” Keith said.

“Yeah, he’s trying to make it look like we wrote it, but really, he wrote it,” said Hunk.

“Mister Garett, why would Lance McClain refer to himself as a "fugly slut?" Alfor asked.

At this point Allura started giggling, because Lance really was a slut.

“Miss Allura, this is no time to be laughing. We're gonna get to the bottom of this right now,” Alfor said.

“Maybe we're not in that book, because everybody likes us. And I don't wanna be punished for being well-liked. And I don't think my father, the inventor of Food Goo, would be too pleased to hear about this,” Hunk defended.

Meanwhile, Lance had been busy. He smiled, walking through the school corridor, as he threw around photocopied pages of the Burn Book. Smiling to himself, as his revenge plan seemed to work out perfectly.

The bell rang and students started milling about the corridor, picking up the pages.

“‘Made out with a hot dog’? Oh, my God, that was one time!” complained Adam.

"’Nyma is a grotsky little byotch’? Who would write that?” asked Nyma.

“Who wouldn't write that?” replied Rolo, dodging the fist Nyma sent his way.

"’Prince Lotor made out with Coach Coran’, and so did Haggar?” someone else asked in shock. Lotor and Haggar looked at each other, then they started outright brawling.

…

“Do you have anything else you wanna say?” Alfor asked.

“No, I can't answer any more questions until I have a parent or lawyer present,” Hunk replied.

“Miss Allura?”

“Whoever wrote it probably didn't think anyone would ever see it?” Allura asked.

“I hope that nobody else ever does see it,” Alfor said.

…

“Mom, can you pick me up? I'm scared,” Beezer said to his phone.

"Pidge Holt, stalker?” asked Pidge, looking at her page of the Burn Book. “That's original.” She snorted.

"Too gay to function?!” Matt asked looking at his page.

“Hey!” Pidge objected, “That's only OK when I say it!”

…

“Now, here's what we're gonna do...” Principle Alfor sighed, “We-”

“Alfor, come quick!” his secretary called, bursting into the room. “They've gone wild. The students have gone wild!”

It was full-tilt desert madness. And it wasn't going away.

“Hey, I pulled these two off each other,” Coran said, holding Lotor and Haggar apart.

“Coach Coran, step away from the underage students,” said Alfor. Coach Coran nodded, then turned around and ran for the hills.

Alfor looked around at the corridor, where students where outright brawling and attacking each other over the found pages.

“Hell, no! I did not leave the Southside for this!” he said, then slammed a baseball bat into the emergency sprinkler alarm. Water rained down on the students. “Oh, crap! My hair!” cried out several girls. The fighting seemed to stop though.

“All junior students report to the gymnasium immediately! Immediately!”

Chapter Text

Have you ever walked up to people and realized they were just talking about you? Have you ever had it happen several times in a row? I have.

All the students had gathered in the gymnasium, soaking wet from the sprinklers.

“Never in my years as an educator have I seen such behaviour,” said Principal Alfor. “And from young students! I got parents calling me on the phone asking, "Did someone get shot?" I ought to cancel your Spring Fling.!”

“No!” cried several students.

“Now, I'm not gonna do that,” said Alfor, “because we've already paid the DJ. But don't think that I'm not taking this book seriously. Coach Coran has fled school property. Mr. Bandor has been accused of selling drugs. Now, what the young students in this grade need is an attitude makeover. And you're gonna get it right now. I don't care how long it takes, I will keep you here all night.”

“We can't keep them past 6,” said Mr. Bandor.

“I will keep you here until 6!” said Alfor. “Now, what we're gonna try to do is fix the way you young people relate to each other. OK? Student to student. So who has a problem that they'd like to talk about? Yes?” Alfor pointed to a girl who had raised her hand.

“Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super-jumbo tampons,” the girl, Romelle, said. “But I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina.”

There was silence for a moment. “Yeah, I can't do this,” said Alfor. “Mr. Bandor, you're a successful, intelligent, caring, graceful educator.”

“I am?”

“There has to be something you can say to these young men and women. Something to help them with their self-esteem?”

Bandor hesitated for a moment before speaking up: “It's not a self-esteem problem. I think they're all pretty pleased with themselves.” He paused. “OK. Everybody close your eyes. I want you to raise your hand if you have ever had another student say something bad about you behind your back. Open your eyes.”

The students all looked around. Every single one of them had raised their hand.

“Now, close your eyes again,” said Bandor. “And this time, I want you to raise your hand if you have ever said anything about a friend behind his or her back. Open them.”

Not everyone had raised their hand this time, but still the majority of students.

Bandor nodded. “There's been some student-on-student crime here. OK. So, what we could do today is a couple exercises to help you express your anger in a healthy way. Let's start over here.”

Mr. Bandor had us confront each other directly about the things that were bothering us. And it seemed like every clique had its own problems.

“You've been acting really stuck-up ever since you switched to shortfielder. And Dawn agrees with me,” one of the jock girls said to her friend. Several more confessions like this followed.

Eventually, Lance McClain himself raised his hand. “Can I just say that we don't have a clique problem at this school? And some of us shouldn't have to take this workshop, because some of us are just victims in this situation.”

Mr. Bandor looked at Lance. “That's probably true. How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by Lance McClain?” Almost every student raised their hand. “Good. OK, who's next? Keith? Do you have anything you wanna own up to?”

Yes.

“No.”

“You never made up a rumor about anybody?”

Just that you sell drugs.

“No.”

“Nothing you want to apologize for?”

I couldn't apologize to Mr. Bandor without getting blamed for the whole burn book.

“No.”

Mr. Bandor nodded slowly. “I'm really disappointed in you, Keith.” He sighed. “OK, so we're all here because of this book, right? Well, I don't know who wrote this book, but you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it OK for everyone to call you sluts and whores. Who here has ever been called a slut?”

Again, a lot of students raised their hands.

“OK, everybody up.”

Mr. Bandor had us write out apologies to people that we'd hurt in our lives.

"Haggar, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed."

"Hunk, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhoea at Barnes and Noble. And I'm sorry I told everyone about it. And I'm sorry for repeating it now.”

“Varkon, I don't hate you because you're fat. You're fat because I hate you.”

“I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we'd all eat it and be happy,” said Light Yagami.

“He’s not even from this multiverse!” cried Matt from the audience.

“Do you even go to this school?” asked Mr. Bandor.

“No. I just have a lot of feelings,” said Light.

“OK, go home.”

“Bandor, I think you're doing a great job,” said Alfor, while the students continued to share their confessions and apologies.

“Thanks. I feel like I'm really getting through.”

Then it was Hunk’s turn. “I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm popular.”

“…Oh, boy. OK, who's next? Who's next? Keep it going.”

Pidge stepped in front of the group. “OK, yeah, I've got an apology. So I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced him that it would be fun to mess up Lance McClain's life. So I had him pretend to be friends with Lance and then he would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Lance said. And we gave him these candy bar things that would make him gain weight, and we turned his best friends against him. And then... Oh, yeah, Keith... You know my friend Keith. He made out with Lance's boyfriend and then convinced him to break up with him. Oh, God, and we gave you foot cream instead of face wash. God! I am so sorry, Lance. Really, I don't know why I did it. I guess it's probably because I've got a big stalker crush on you. Suck on that!” Pidge raised both her middle fingers and was applauded by the crowded. Apart from Lance, who was shocked after listening to all that and stormed outside.

“Lance!” Keith ran after him. “Lance, wait! I didn't mean for that to happen.”

“To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care,” Lance spat, continuing to run away from Keith.

“Lance, please! Lance, stop!”

“No! Do you know what everyone says about you? They say that you're a home-schooled desert freak, who's a less-hot version of me. Yeah. So don't try to act so innocent.” Lance had already reached the main street by the time he finally turned to look at Keith. “You can take that fake apology and shove it right up your hairy...”

SMACK. Lance had walked into the middle of the street and was hit by a bus.

And that's how Lance McClain died. No, I'm totally kidding. But he did get hurt. Some people say they saw his head go all the way around. But that's just a rumor. Some people swear they saw me push him in front of the bus. That was an even worse rumor.

Chapter Text

“Mom, I didn't do it,” said Keith, after finishing a deadly silent dinner with his parents.

“I don't know what to believe anymore,” said Krolia.

“Mom, believe me. I'm your son.”

“I don’t even know who you are anymore,” she said and left the room without another word.

“Great. All my friends hate me, and now my mom hates me,” groaned Keith.

“Your mom does not hate you. She's afraid of you,” explained his dad. “I don't know, maybe we mainstream-schooled you too soon. Maybe you should come back and be home-schooled again for a while.”

“No,” said Keith, shaking his head. “Only thing worse than going back will be not going back.”

“How bad's it gonna be tomorrow?” his dad asked sympathetically.

“Remember when we saw those lions fighting over the wart hog carcass in the desert?” asked Keith. “I'll be the wart hog.”

“You're not a wart hog,” said his dad, “you're a lion. Just focus on your studies for a little while. You're still an excellent student, right?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Keith, remembering something. “I need you to sign my calculus test. I'm failing.”

“OK,” sighed his dad. “You are... What do they call it? Grounded. You're grounded.”

…

Meanwhile in school, Shiro and the rest of the class were being interviewed by a police officer.

“Did your teacher ever try to sell you marijuana or Ecstasy tablets?” he asked in a monotone voice.

“No,” said Shiro. “What's going on? Where's Mr. Bandor? This is ridiculous. Mr. Bandor does not sell drugs.”

“I know, Shiro,” Principal Alfor sighed. “But after the allegations against Coach Coran turned out to be extremely true, the school board felt that it was best that we investigate every claim made in this Burn Book.

“That book was written by a bunch of stupid kids who make up rumours because they're bored with their own lame lives,” Shiro said. Keith winced when he heard him say that.

“Well, unless someone wants to come forward and say, "I made it all up", this is how we have to handle it,” explained Alfor.

Oh, no. Bye, Shiro. You're gonna hate me forever.

“Principal Alfor,” Keith spoke up. “I wrote it.”

Shiro looked shocked. Alfor sighed. “Come on, Keith,” he said. Keith got up from his seat and followed the principal and the police officer outside the classroom.

When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life. I started with Lance, who was living proof that the more people are scared of you, the more flowers you get. Seriously, his hospital room was filled with flowers when I went to visit him. Then there was Mr. Bandor, who was living proof that no good deed goes unpunished.

…

A few days later, Keith was back in math class. They had written a quiz and he went up to Mr. Bandor’s desk to submit his finished paper.

“Oh, hi,” Mr. Bandor said sarcastically. “Did you wanna buy some drugs?”

Keith grimaced. “I'm just done with my quiz.”

“Wait. I'll grade it right now,” said Bandor and continued talking to Keith while he marked his quiz. “I gotta say, watching the police search my house really was the cherry on top of a fantastic year.” He paused and looked up at Keith. “How much trouble did you get in for telling the truth?”

“A lot.”

“You didn't write that whole book yourself,” Mr. Bandor stated. “Did you tell Principal Alfor who else did it?”

“No,” said Keith quietly, “because I'm trying this new thing where I don't talk about people behind their backs.”

“That's all right. Getting hit by a bus is pretty good punishment.” Mr. Bandor winked at him and handed back his marked exam. “Ninety-four. Welcome back, nerd.”

“Thanks,” said Keith. “Anyway... I'm sorry.”

“I forgive you,” said Mr. Bandor. “But as my own personal form of punishment, I figured out how you're gonna earn that extra credit.”

Chapter Text

“What's up? Excellent. Great turnout this year,” the announcer called out. Keith, for extra credit, had joined the Mathletes and was now competing in their final competition.

“All right. It's all you. Make me look good out there,” said Mr. Bandor with a huge smile.

“OK,” said the team.

“You nervous?” the boy next to Keith asked.

“Yes,” Keith said, being honest for once.

“Don't be. You can do this,” the kid smiled conspiratorially. “There's nothing to break your focus, because not one of those MFE kids is cute.”

Keith laughed at that. It was true though.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,” the commentator called. “Welcome to the Texas High School Mathletes State Championship! Let's start the competition.”

He took out a flashcard, “Here is the first question. Twice the larger of two numbers is three more than five times the smaller, and the sum of four times the larger and three times the smaller is 3. What are...?”

One of the Garrison guys pressed the buzz button. “Garrison?”

“Fourteen and five.”

“That is correct. Question number two. Find an odd three-digit number whose digits add up to 53. The digits are all different, and the difference between the first two digits equals the difference between...”

Now one of the other team's players pressed the button. “-13”

“Correct.”

Shoot. I was really rusty.

…

“Where's Keith?” asked his mother.

“He went out,” his father responded.

“He's grounded!” said his mother.

Keith father hesitated for a moment, then replied, “Are they not allowed out when they're grounded?”

…

“Don't forget to vote for Razzle Dazzle King and Queen, people!” yelled Matt, “These A-holes will represent you for a full calendar year.”

“I'm gonna vote for Lance McClain because he got hit by that bus,” said a Jock.

“I'm voting for Keith Kogane because he pushed him,” his friend laughed.

…

“He's supposed to be grounded, but he let him out,” Krolia, Keith’s mother explained to Principal Alfor. They were looking for Keith.

…

“After 90 minutes of very competitive play, we have a tie.” announced the competitions host, “In the event of a tie, we move into a sudden-death round. Each team is given the opportunity to choose their opponent.”

“Garrison High, who do you select?” he asked.

“The girl, dude. The girl,” whispered one of Keith’s teammates, “Contestant Leifsdottir.”

“From MFE, Miss Ina Leifsdottir.”

“Now MFE, who do you pick?”

“We pick the guy with the mullet.”

“And from Garrison High, Mister Keith Kogane.”

“Oh, my God, that's me,” whispered Keith, mildly terrified.

Miss Ina Leifsdottir seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows. Her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday school teacher. And she had some 50–cent lip gloss on her snaggletooth. And that's when I realized, making fun of Ina Leifsdottir wouldn't stop her from beating me in this contest.

“Contestants, find the limit of this equation.”

Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Lance McClain’s life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

“The limit is negative one.” said the other contestant, breaking Keith away from his life-altering realization.

Oh, crap. I lost.

“That answer is incorrect. Now, we are in a sudden death. If Mister Kogane can answer this problem correctly, we have a winner.”

Limits. Why couldn't I remember anything about limits? Limits. That was the week Shiro got his hair cut. Oh, God, he looked so cute. OK, focus, Keith. What was on the board behind Shiro’s head? If the limit never approaches anything...

“The limit does not exist?” asked Keith, “The limit does not exist!”

“Our new state champions, the Garrison High Mathletes!”

“Yeah! How do you like me now? You like that? Yeah! Get some! Get some!” yelled one of Keith’s teammates, and for the first time in a while, Keith laughed.

Chapter Text

“All right, do we have all of our nominees for Razzle Dazzle royalty on the stage?”

It was finally prom night and all the students had gathered in the gym, dressed in fancy clothes. On the stage was Principal Alfor, holding the crown that one of nominees would win. The nominees all stood on stage as well, including Pidge, Hunk and Lance on crutches. Only Keith was missing; he had only just walked into the gym after returning from the competition, still wearing his Mathletes jacket.

“OK, good. I just wanted to say that you're all winners. And I could not be happier that this school year's ending,” said Alfor. “Here we go. The winner of the Razzle Dazzle King, future co-chair of the Student Activities Board and winner of two gift certificates to the Walker Brothers Pancake House… Keith Kogane! Where is Keith? There he is!” Alfor spotted Keith in the crowd and beckoned him to come up on stage.

Keith slowly walked up there and accepted his crown. “Thanks,” he mumbled before stepping in front of the microphone. “Well, half the people in this room are mad at me. And the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front of a bus. So that's not good.”

“You know,” whispered Alfor to him, “it's not really required of you to make a speech.”

“I'm almost done, I swear,” said Keith. “To all the people whose feelings got hurt by the Burn Book, I'm really sorry. You know, I've never been to one of these things before. And when I think about how many people wanted this and how many people cried over it and stuff...” Keith fidgeted with the crown in his hand. “I mean, I think everybody looks like royalty tonight. Look at Acxa. That dress is amazing! And Romelle, I mean, that hairdo must have taken hours, and you look really pretty. So… why is everybody stressing over this thing?” Keith held up the crown. “I mean, it's just plastic. Could really just...” Keith twisted at the crown until a small piece of it broke off. “…share it.” He chucked the crown piece towards Hunk, who caught it with a gasp. "A piece for Hunk Garrett, a partial Razzle Dazzle King. A piece for Pidgeotto.”

“Seriously,” whispered Alfor, “most people just take the crown and go.”

“And a piece for Lance McClain,” continued Keith. “He fractured his spine, and he still looks like a rock star.”

He smiled at Lance and Lance actually smiled back.

“And some for everybody else.” Keith continued breaking pieces off the crown and chucking them into the crowd until there was nothing left. He suddenly spotted his parents in the crowd, looking incredibly proud of him. “All right, have a good time, everyone.”

Keith stepped off the stage and caught up with Pidge. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

“So are we still in a fight?” he asked cautiously.

“Are you still an asshole?” Pidge asked back.

“I don't think so,” shrugged Keith.

“Well, then I guess we're OK,” smiled Pidge and they hugged it out until the DJ played a new song.

“Oh, my God, I love this song!” cried Matt excitedly.

“I hate this song,” groaned Pidge.

“I know this song!” laughed Keith.

Pidge and Matt went to dance, but before that Pidge quickly leaned over to Keith and whispered: “Man candy, stage right.” Keith looked over to where she was pointing and spotted Shiro watching them. He slowly walked over to him.

“Hey, what's up?” he asked nervously.

“Hey. Didn't think you'd make it,” said Shiro. “Congratulations on winning State.”

“I was so nervous,” laughed Keith. “They made us do limits. I thought I was gonna hurl.”

Shiro jokingly took a step away from him. “How's your stomach now?”

“It's fine.”

“Do you feel nauseous at all?”

Keith rolled his eyes. “No.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“No!”

Shiro grinned. “Grool.”

And finally, they kissed.

…

In case you're wondering, The Plastics broke up. Lance's spine healed, and his physical therapist taught him to channel all him rage into sports. It was perfect because the jock guys weren't afraid of him. Allura used her special talents to do the morning weather announcements.

…

“Hi. This is Allura. It's 15°C and…” Allura squished her boobs. “…there's a 90% chance that it's already raining.”

…

And Hunk found himself a new clique and a new queen bee to serve. Shiro went to Kerberos University, so I still get to see him on weekends. And me? I had gone from home-schooled desert freak to shiny Plastic to most hated person in the world to actual human being. All the drama from last year just wasn't important anymore. School used to be like a shark tank, but now I could just float. Finally, School World was at peace.

“Hey, check it out.” Matt, Pidge and Keith were sitting together on the lawn in front of the school and pointing towards a group of bitchy-looking guys and girls crossing the street. “Junior Plastics.”

And if any freshmen tried to disturb that peace... Well, let's just say we knew how to take care of it.

The new Plastics were immediately hit by a bus.

Just kidding.

Chapter Text

Thanks so much for reading! We hope you enjoyed this stupid little crossover between Voltron and Mean Girls! I guess we should give credit to Tina Fey cause we just used the Mean Girls script and replaced it with Voltron characters haha. Just fyi, we're probably gonna go back to fix small mistakes and just improve the overall quality of the fic cause we kinda just half-assed a lot of it. Okay, bye byotcheeees!