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It starts in blackness.
Long shot of the Manor.
Dramatic music.
Zoom in on the hero of the story.
Batman whisked off his tuxedo and replaced it with his burgundy dressing robe. His cheerful whistle bounced off the walls of the Manor as he strolled down the halls toward the kitchen. Tonight’s gala had gone extremely well, he thought. Not one supervillain had crashed the party, and the Commissioner had even danced with him. Only one dance, and she had spent it checking on the security measures in an undertone. But it had been a magic moment for both of them, he was sure. It was going to be incredibly tragic when he had to turn down her ardent confession of love someday, but that was the kind of sacrifice one had to make as a lone dark knight of vengeance.
He stopped to wipe a tear from his eye, then brightened again. At least Dick hadn’t insisted on showing up. The boy--Batman still wasn’t quite sure how he’d ended up with him, but it seemed too late to return him now--had wanted to come along, but Batman had put his foot down. “No way,” he had said, raising his foot back up and putting it down once more for emphasis. “You are not attending this gala. It might be dangerous, and you might get in the way.”
“Gee, Dad,” Dick had said, beaming, “you’re always looking out for my safety. You’re the greatest Dad ever.” And he had thrown his stubby arms around Batman. Alfred had informed Batman that this was called a “hug” and it was a thing children tended to do, so Batman stood still and made no sudden moves until it was over. Luckily his panther-like reflexes hadn’t kicked in, forcing him to throw the kid across the room--though he had to admit that Robin had proven surprisingly bouncy and resilient.
Getting hugged had been… okay, Batman had to admit. He opened the refrigerator door, wondering where the kid was now. Shouldn’t he be happy his mentor was home? When did children tend to sleep, anyway? Were they nocturnal? He’d have to ask Alfred.
He closed the refrigerator door, then jumped as Alfred seemed to have materialized behind it. “Nnargh!” Batman yelled in a very heroic fashion. The plate of lobster thermidor flew across the room like a frisbee. It caromed off two walls and Batman caught it on the rebound. “Alfred,” he said calmly. “How is everything?”
“Yes, well,” said Alfred. He cleared his throat. “I’m afraid I have two pieces of rather bad news for you.”
Batman quickly ate his lobster thermidor in two bites. It sounded like he was going to need the energy. “Yeah?” he said, ready for action.
“The first is that the Phantom Zone Projector that you, ah, appropriated from the Fortress of Solitude has… gone missing.”
“What?” This was bad news. Whoever had that projector could unleash untold horrors on the world: Cthulhu and Loki and Ursula and--
“Is Dick all right?” he heard himself ask. His voice sounded oddly squeaky for a second.
“Master Dick is unharmed, and his whereabouts are accounted for,” said Alfred, and Batman relaxed. Alfred cleared his throat again. “However, he is part of the second piece of bad news…”
“Fly, Robin fly…”
Robin’s face appeared on the viewscreen, caught in mid-warble. “Oh! Batman!” he chirped. “You know, I was hanging around the Batcave tonight, since I couldn’t go to the gala, and then I remembered that we’d never gotten around to returning the Phantom Zone Projector, and I felt pretty bad about that, so I thought I’d just return it.”
He did a quick loop-de-loop with the Batwing, and Batman’s stomach did a flip along with it.
“So I was just going to knock on the door and hand it over,” Robin said, “but then I was a little worried that it might, you know, cause a strain on your friendship--”
“We’re not friends,” Batman clarified, but Robin didn’t seem to have heard him.
“So I decided I’d just sort of slip in and replace it real quiet-like, so he never even knew it was gone! Keen, huh?”
“No,” said Batman, “That is not ‘keen’ in any way. Turn that airplane around right now, do you hear me?”
“I’m sorry, Batman, you’re breaking up!” Robin said--and if it had been Batman saying it, he would have been making staticky sounds with his mouth and pretending to lose the signal, but because it was Dick, the signal really was breaking up. Zigzag lines crossed Robin’s face, his voice was cut out by white noise, and then he was gone.
“He’s going to break into the Fortress of Solitude again,” Batman said. “Without my help this time.”
“Yes sir,” said Alfred.
“Into the Atomic Cauldron.”
“Yes sir.”
“Past the Acid Moat.”
“Yes sir.”
“And the Ring of Napalm.”
“Indeed, sir.”
“And the Jaws of Death.”
“Yes sir.”
Batman sat for a long moment, feeling uncomfortable emotions stirring in his buff square chest. “I… have to tell Superman,” he finally said.
“Yes sir,” Alfred said in a tone of relief and--pride? Was Alfred proud of him? For calling Superman? That seemed to be an odd thing to be proud of, compared to the millions of other amazing things Batman did every single day, but whatever, no time to waste.
Gritting his teeth, Batman hit the red button on the ‘Puter with the yellow shield blazoned on it.
Nothing happened.
“Hey.” He hit it again. Dick was probably breaking into the Fortress right now. Would he know how to get past the Acid Moat? Batman smashed the button again, images of a small skeleton in a yellow cape filling his mind. If he got past that, did he know how to protect himself from the Ring of Napalm? “Superman! Answer me!” Or how to disable the Jaws of Death? “Superman!”
The screen crackled and came to life--not with Superman’s face, but with Clark Kent’s. There was almost no light, and Batman could see brooms and cleaning materials in the darkness behind him. “I was in a meeting, Batman,” said Kent. “You know, some of us have jobs and--”
“Superman, no time for your stupid job,” Batman said. Ignoring the way Kent’s eyebrows flicked upward, he went on, “I need your help with my-- with my--” Sidekick? Mascot? Chum? His brain sorted through and rejected all possibilities, finally settling on “--Dick.”
Kent’s eyebrows disappeared under his hairline. “Batman, I don’t think I can help you with--”
“My son,” Batman clarified, going with the simplest option. “Yes. My son.” It was much easier the second time. “His name is Dick Grayson, he goes by Robin, and he’s breaking into your Fortress right now.”
“He’s what?” Kent’s mouth became a circle of shock as a musical sting--dun dun!--seemed to fill the air.
Batman glared over at Alfred, who hastily stepped away from the pipe organ tucked in a corner of the Batcave.
“That’s impossible,” Kent was saying. “The Fortress security is far too strict for anyone, especially a child, to bypass.”
It was impossible to resist gloating just a little bit. “Well, we already did it once, so…” Kent frowned sharply at him and Batman suddenly remembered the topic at hand. “But that doesn’t matter! What matters is there’s a child in danger, and you have to save him! Right?”
Kent narrowed his eyes, but didn’t answer. A second later the screen was empty.
Batman heaved a sigh of relief. He hadn’t finished exhaling when suddenly Superman was in the middle of the Batcave, holding on to Robin, who was still holding on to the Phantom Zone Projector. “Hi Padre!” Robin said, waving at him with a weak smile.
“Robin!” Batman was so startled that he accidentally jumped forward and threw his arms around Robin.
Superman put them both down. “Your son had just activated the Guillotine of Doom and was about to be sliced in half when I showed up,” he said.
“You could maybe not indulge your love of elaborate deathtraps just a little?” Batman snarled at him, letting go of Robin to confront Superman. “You’re surprisingly bloodthirsty, you know.”
“Well, the reason is that if someone were to steal the Phantom Zone Projector, who knows what kind of chaos they could unleash on the world?”
Batman discovered that the floor of the Batcave was suddenly very fascinating. “Yes,” he muttered. “Who knows.”
“Who knows indeed,” intoned Alfred from behind him.
“You… called me his son.” Robin’s voice was soft with wonder, and Batman looked up to see him staring at Superman. “Why did you call me that?”
“Well, that’s what he said you were,” Superman said.
Robin’s eyes got very big. “Did he really?” He looked over at Batman. “Did you really?”
“I might have,” Batman said gruffly, looking away. “I was under a lot of stress.”
“Because he was worried about you,” Alfred put in.
There was a brief pause, and then Superman chuckled. “Well the little guy’s got guts,” he said. “And a strong moral code.”
“I learned it all from my Dad!” Robin exclaimed, jumping in the air.
Superman was looking at him as if waiting for Batman to get the hint. Batman scuffed at the floor with his foot. “I’m… sorry I stole your Phantom Zone Projector,” he muttered.
“You could have just asked for my help,” Superman said.
“You seemed quite busy,” Batman said. “With your Justice League party.”
Superman looked faintly chagrined. “I’m… sorry,” he said. “Next time I’ll check to make sure you and young Robin got the invitation.”
“Really? Whoo hoo!” Robin yelled, doing a backflip of delight.
Superman smiled. “And if you like, I can give the lad a tour of the Fortress. I’m sure he missed a lot while dodging all the deathtraps.”
“I’d like, I’d like!” said Robin. “Dad, can we? Can we?”
Batman shrugged. “That would be okay, I guess,” he said. “I can give you a tour of the Batcave sometime, too.”
“We’ve got a dinosaur! And a giant penny!” Robin said. “But not as many deathtraps.”
“So the boy is safe, I’ve got the Phantom Zone Projector back, and maybe--just maybe--Batman and Superman are one step closer to becoming friends,” Superman announced. “It seems everything has worked out for the best.”
“Plus this way we got to fight Sauron!” said Robin. “And Godzilla! And Voldemort!”
Superman blinked a few times. “Sounds like you had quite the exciting time,” he said. He reached out and extricated the projector from Robin’s grip. “I’ll… just be taking that, then.”
“Superman,” Batman grated, and Superman turned to look at him. “Thank you. For saving Robin.”
He held out his hand.
Superman looked at it for a second, then clicked his hand into Batman’s in a handshake. “Anytime,” he said.
“Yes!” Robin cried. “Did you hear that? He said anytime! We’re gonna team up and be the world’s finest compadres!” He jumped in the air and brought his fist down on top of Superman and Batman’s handshake.
Close up.
Freeze frame.
Cut to black.
And it was all thanks to Batman!
Cue the awesome Batman theme music!