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You shouldn’t be nervous.
Not really.
This may be your first time, but well, you have spoken plenty about this subject, and damn, you are intelligent, top of your class, this shouldn’t be something difficult for you. You have got years of experience under your belt, and yet, yet you are nervous because this is your first time.
You are useless.
But, even so, you hitch your overnight bag higher on your shoulder and ring the bell.
You don’t have any experience with this, but you have read about it in forums and blogs, and yes, you were also planning on asking someone about it, but that’s just pathetic.
This will be your first time, and no matter how much you read, you are the only one that can decide what to do and how to do it, and you are the one that will figure it out as you go, you think.
Damn, why are you so fucking nervous?
The door opens, and your eyes widen at the amount of skin that’s presented to you. Muscle shirts and shorts should be illegal.
“I gave you a key,” your host says.
You shrug, trying to contain your blush, it’s not like you haven’t seen this sight before. “It didn’t feel right to just barge in.”
Your host smirks. How you hate that satisfied, irritating smirk. “Nervous?”
You scoff. “No.”
That smirk gets bigger. “Well, well, well. Who’d thought you will be such a hot mess.”
You frown, shoulder pushing your way inside the hotel suite. “Shut up.”
“Feisty. I like it.”
This was a bad idea. You haven’t even started yet, and you are ready to bolt. Damn, yes, you are nervous, but shouldn’t you be reassured that this won’t be painful, that this won’t be messy, that this won’t make you regret the last months of this relationship?
Why did you even agree to this?
“Relax.”
“How can I?” you say, dropping your bag by the bed. “When you’re…” you trail off, gesturing around, at the plainly prepared chocolates, popcorn and the TV on Netflix. At the thought that you can see was put into the night to help you ease into this new chapter of your relationship.
You hate being the inexperienced one in this couple.
“Honey.” Large, warm hands come squeeze your shoulders. “I won’t ever make you uncomfortable, like, really uncomfortable.”
You laugh, wetly. “I know, but…”
“This is a first. You don’t know how to act, what to do.”
“Yeah.” You sniff. Oh, Rao, no. You are not crying tonight. “I’m sorry I’m ruining this, I… I really don’t want to disappoint you.”
Long arms come around you, and a solid form nestles behind you, hugging you, reassuring you. The smell of clean sweat and heavy-duty deodorant relaxes you with their familiarity. “You won’t ever disappoint me. I love you. And I know you love me. That’s more than enough.”
You rub under your eye. “I’m a mess.”
A kiss is delivered to your crown. “Yes. But you’re the cutest and most amazing mess. And you’re mine.”
You laugh at that, wet and slightly hysterical. You turn in the cradle of arms and nestle your head beneath a chin. “Rao, no. I’m not yours.”
“Yes, you are. You are mine. You agreed to this. That makes you, finally, mine.”
You scrunch up your nose, you shouldn’t feel this reassured, this loved and protected and simply taken care of with a simple hug. “I was coerced into this.”
You can almost feel the rolling eyes above you. “Stop being such a drama queen. You want this. You want me.”
You shudder. “Please, don’t ever phrase it like that again. That’s just wrong.”
A rich laugh makes you want to grumble. “You didn’t deny it. But, fine, I won’t say it like that again.”
“Thank you,” you breathe out, stepping away from the hug. “So, how are we starting this?”
“First, take a shower. Change. I’m calling for dinner while you do that.”
You retrieve your bag and nod. “Okay. I can do that. I can totally do that.”
That smirk is back and you don’t know if that’s reassuring or if you want to punch it. “Get the hot water going, honey. I’m so joining you after I place the order.”
You roll your eyes. “Nope, you’re not. I’m using the lock,” you say as you enter the bathroom and lock yourself in.
Amused chuckling reaches your from behind the door. “And when has that ever stopped me?”
You shake your head, exasperated. Rao, you’re with a psycho.
Still, once the water is running and you’re ready to head beneath the showerhead, you unlock the door with a sweet smile. Having your shower crashed is something normal for you two.
Maybe this will actually help you relax.
XxXxX
“I’m not eating ever again,” you groan. “Pizza and potstickers were way too much food!”
“You aren’t going to try the chocolates? I flew all the way to Belgium just to get these for you!”
You look to your right, into earnest green eyes. “You what?” Really, it shouldn’t surprise you if that’s true.
“… no.”
You deflate in relief. “Crazy bat,” you grumble under your breath.
A pillow promptly smacks you in the face. “Hey, I heard that!”
You snatch the pillow in your arms and hold it away from your attacker. “We are not having a pillow fight!”
“Why not?! I read those are like, an integral part of these nights!”
You relinquish the pillow, understanding suddenly making you feel so, so, so stupid. “This is a first for you too!”
“Of course is it, dimwit. What did you think?”
You open your mouth to argue, you really do, but well, not only this makes you feel better, it makes you also feel safer and, believe it or not, even more charmed by this idiot. “Then… how did you know how to make… all of this?”
The deadpan stare sent your way makes you feel so small. “Really, Alexandra? Really?”
“Hey! I did nothing to deserve the full name treatment, Katherine!”
“You’re being a stupid bean!”
“At least I’m not a creepy bat! Why do you always storm into my showers?! I’m married, dammit!” It’s so easy to wipe out the pillow behind you and whack her middle, and oh so satisfying when it makes contact with her.
“You unlocked the fucking door!” She hits you, again, with the same pillow she attacked you earlier.
“No pillow fights!” A loud whack to the side of her head.
“You started it!” You receive a pretty solid blow to your chest.
“Stop it!” You notice with satisfaction how some feathers escape your pillow the moment it connects with her nose.
“Ow, damn it, Alex! I broke that a week ago!”
You let your pillow drop to the ground, and you are immediately straddling Kate’s lap, looking at her nose and prodding it lightly. “Shit, I’m so sorry. Does it hurt?”
You are so concentrated on seeing if there is bruise forming on the bridge of her nose that you don’t notice the fingers on your hips, anchoring you to her, and how they start moving upwards.
You shriek when the first tickle registers you, and you try to jump away, but damn, you are thin and you have lost so much weight and muscle, and Kate is strong and taller, and “lemme go! Lemme go!” you beg her between giggles when it becomes apparent she’s not stopping. “Kate! stooop!”
“Like hell, I will.” She buckles her hips, making you drop to the soft bed. With one of her stupid large hands, she pins both your wrist above your head and she uses the other to keep torturing you.
“Kate!” you almost sob out. Damn you are ticklish all over, she doesn’t even have work to make you squirm and giggle. “Kaaaaate!!! I’m going pee myself!”
Kate simply smirks. “Good.”
“Kateeeeeee!”
XxXxX
You swat at the stupid big toe that’s poking your thigh.
“Aw, c’mon, baby sis… I’m sorry.”
You cross your arms more firmly and shuffle as far as you can from her without falling form the bed. “I’m mad at you.”
You can feel Kate’s pout, even if you refuse to see it.
“Aleeeex…”
“I’m going home as soon as the movie is over,” you sulk.
“… Alex?” The hurt in her voice feels so out of place, so, weird… so un-Kate.
You look at your big sister and, yes, she’s pouting up a storm, but… the pout she is sporting is not like the one you are used to. No, this is not her patent I’m-Kate-Kane-mischief-in-the-flesh-I’m-gonna-be-a-terror pout, no. This is an honest to Rao you’ve-wounded-me-and-I-think-you-don’t-love-me-anymore pout.
You sigh. “I was this close to peeing myself, Kate.”
“But you didn’t… I’m sorry. I really am.”
You shake your head. Why do you love this mess of a woman?
“Open,” you pat her knee.
“Al?”
“Open.”
She frowns and does as told, opening her legs and sitting higher up on the bed. You waste no time into nestling in the cradle made by them, cuddling up to Kate’s larger form. “Hug me,” you order her. Once her arms are around you, you wiggle, looking for the comfiest position to keep watching the movie.
“Alex?”
You dig your elbow in her tummy, looking for a better cuddle angle. “Shut it.” You grab one of her obscenely large hands and put it on your head. “Pet.” You have moved enough that your temple is basically resting on her boob, so Kate can totally scratch your head as you love.
Kate snorts, amused. “Comfy?”
You bounce your head against her breast. “Pillow lacks firmness.”
“Hey!” she yells, indignant. “I’ve worked hard for those.”
You grab her unoccupied boob and squeeze. “You need to work harder.”
She smacks your hand away. “These are Renee’s, you creepo.”
You shrug. “Maggie’s boobs are better, anyway.”
“They are so not!”
“They so are!”
“Nuh-uh. No.”
You dig your forehead on her boob, again. “They are,” you say triumphantly. “Maggie’s boobs are bigger, softer, and overall more amazing.”
Kate snorts. “I know how they are, you brickhead. I saw them plenty.”
“Ew. That’s my wife, you asshole.” Just for good measure, you jab her boob again.
“You’re the one that brought Maggie’s puppies into this.” She pinches you on the hip.
“No tickling!”
“Jeez,” she mutters. Her arms go around your middle again, pulling you more firmly onto her. “I know, I know. No tickle monster is coming for you tonight.”
You let yourself relax fully then. “Thank you very much.”
You lapse into silence, watching how Emma Stone is yelling at a kid by the pool. She is yelling and gesturing wildly, and you understand what she is saying, but you don’t get what she is saying.
“I don’t get this movie,” you say.
“That’s because you’ve spent half of it pouting.”
“I do not pout.”
“You so do. Where do you think Kara got her pout from?”
You snort. Kara’s pout is like, the force of three thousand pouts into one. You do not pout like that. “I do not pout.”
You feel her warm nose nuzzling the back of your ear. “You pout, baby sis. And your eyes do this pleading thing that just about melts us.”
You squirm, the sensation too close to tickling. “Us?”
“Maggie, Renee and I.” The whisper is more like a caress and you are marveled how at ease you are with this psycho. “I know for a fact Maggie’s weakness is your pouting lips and teary eyes.”
You nod, lazily. If you want Maggie to do anything you really just have to pout a little. Your wife is useless against any kind of silent pleading. But, that doesn’t mean you will admit it out loud to your annoying big sister. “I do not pout.”
“Of course, you don’t.”
Her hand goes back to your head, petting you with just enough force to make you moan in appreciation. You watch Emma Stone yell now to one of her teachers – why is she acting as a teenager when she is almost your age? – and damn, you don’t get this movie.
You close your eyes and, instead of focusing on what’s happening on the TV, you focus on the feel of Kate’s chest rising and falling against you. You focus on her scent, something sweet, now that she’s showered, that mixes with the clang-y twang that you know comes from her using the batsuit for hours. You focus on her soft breathing against your ear, gently caressing your skin. You focus on her long fingers, messing your still damp hair.
“Tired?”
You nod again, slower this time.
“Go to sleep.”
“Mmmmm. Nooooo,” you slur, opening your eyes half-mast. “I haven’t called the girls. I promised.”
Kate’s suddenly materializes her phone in front of your face. Kortni’s nickname on a background of the teen gazing into the panda exhibit greets you.
“Kate?” Kortni’s voice echoes in the room the moment the call connects. She sounds out of breath, a little concerned. “It’s Alex alright?”
You smile. “Hi, little star.”
“Alex?”
“Yes, love. I promised I was calling, didn’t I.”
“… yes. Yes, you did.” There is something off in her voice, something that tugs at your heart, but that you can’t place. You hear shuffling on her side and Kara’s voice is suddenly too loud. “Mama!”
“Hello, baby. Are you having fun with Mommy and Auntie Renee?”
“Yes, Mama. Mommy let us have pizza and potstickers and ice-cream!”
“Kara, no!” Kortni says then. “We weren’t supposed to say that!”
“…Oops.”
You snort and Kate snickers. Of course, they were allowed to eat that much. But… “Kori, love?”
“Yes, Alex?”
“You liked the potstickers?”
“Maggie ordered me some veggie ones… they are okay… I guess. I liked the rice better.”
You smile at Kara’s affronted gasp. “Potstickers are the bestest!”
“Bestest is not a word, Kara.” You can almost see the eye roll Kortni sends her sister.
“I don’t care! They are!”
“No. Not really. They are too smelly.”
“Take it back! They are awesome!”
“Hear that?” Kate whispers in your ear as your girls keep arguing over Chinese food. “That’s us, honey.”
“Huh?” For the love of Rao, you can’t understand what she’s saying.
“That bickering? That need to be right? That’s sisterly love in all its glory. That’s us.”
Your eyes widen in realization and amazement. Yes, you can totally see that Kara and Kortni argue just like Kate and you do.
“Auntie!” Kara’s voice calls your attention. “Tell Kori potstickers are the bestest!”
“Whatever you say, little princess. But,” Kate says with a smile directed at you, “if she doesn’t like them, let her be.”
“Auntieeee!”
“Your Auntie is right, Kara,” you say, well aware of the satisfied smile your annoying sister is sporting. Damn, your sisterly contract says that Kate can never, ever, be right. Ugh. Too late, now. “Remember, baby, you can’t force your sister to like things just because you do.”
“But, Mama!”
“Kara Álainn.” Your youngest sighs heavily and Kortni chuckles. “Don’t torment your sister, Kortni.”
“But, Alex!”
Rao, you have two toddlers. Kate snickers behind you. Well, three. “Kortni Zor-El.”
“… sorry.”
You shake your head amused. “That’s okay, girls.” You peek at the hour on the top of the dimmed screen. “I think it’s time for you two to unwind now, it’s way past Kara’s bedtime.”
“But Mama! I wanna stay up until late!”
“Don’t mind her, Alex, she’s already sleepy.”
“Mama! Tell Kori not to be a tattletale!”
You can’t help it, you laugh at them. Kate joins you and it takes a moment for you to try to control it. “S-Sorry, Kara,” you try to say between pearls of a laugh.
“Mama? Why are you laughing?”
“Because you’re adorable, little princess,” Kate says, slumping her weight on you, so she is practically bent in a ball around you. “You too, big princess. You both are adorable.”
“No. We are not,” Kortni’s tone is a matter of fact and dry. “At least I’m not.”
(You hear Kate grumbling something remarkably like, “shit, she sounds like you.” Which you decide to ignore.)
You smile. “Fine. You’re not. Ready for our prayers?”
You hear more shuffling and you know they are making themselves comfortable wherever they are. You wonder briefly where is Maggie, but you are confident that she is where she needs to.
“Ready, Mama.”
~Rao, guide me in the darkness. Let the light of your love brighten my way,~ you start solemnly.
~Help me understand my place. Help me face the dangers ahead. Help me know myself,~ they join you. Their dulcet voices creating a weird echo to yours. You have come to love that sound, your voices mixed together, elevating a thought to his light.
~Allow me to serve you. Allow me to love you. Allow me to be yours. For days past, for the now, for those to come. Bless my homeland. Bless my loved ones. Bless my soul and give me faith.
~Rao, let us reunite, let us be one again.~
You wait for a beat, listening to their easy breathing. “Go to bed now, girls,” you murmur. “I love you. And tell Mom goodnight for me.”
“’ove you ‘oo, ama.” Kara’s voice is soft and even, slurred no doubt by her thumb. You know it won’t be long before she sails to dreamland.
“Maggie and Renee fell asleep watching the movie,” Kortni informs you. Her voice too is faint and just a little slurred. “Do you want me to get them?”
You smile. Useless lesbians. “No, Kori. Thank you. Close your eyes now, girls. I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early.”
“’ight, ‘ama. ‘ight A’ntie.”
“Good night, princesses.”
“May his light greets you in the morrow, Alex, Kate.”
~And may her love illuminates your dreams. Bye, now.~
You wait for a beat, to make sure Kortni disconnects the call. Just when you think they fell asleep on the phone, Kortni’s little voice reaches you. “Thank you for calling.”
You don’t know what made her say that, why you feel your heart swell at her tone, but you answer her anyway. “Always, little star. Love you.”
The call disconnects and you are left staring at a black screen.
“You’re amazing with them,” Kate comments and you are surprised to hear tears in her voice.
You turn a little, regarding your sister with a raised eyebrow. “Why are you crying, crazy bat?”
“Because you’re amazing and I’m so grateful I’ve got to meet you.” She squeezes you tight and you smile, bemused.
“I’m grateful too, Kate, but… aren’t you exaggerating?”
“… I lost Beth years ago, Alex.” You suck in a sharp breath. “And it’s until now that I feel like I can finally let go.”
Tears pickle your eyes and she hides on your hair. “I love you Kate,” you opt to say because, what can you say to someone that lost part of herself when she was a kid? What can you say to someone that was stolen the right to be a sister for years?
“I love you too, Alex. I love too.”
And Rao if you don’t feel loved.