Work Text:
The time goes by, it’s close to midnight.
Namjoon stares at the textbook that he believes he is reading. Maybe he is understanding something, maybe he isn’t. He just reads, highlighting things that he thinks are important (at this point he doesn’t even know what is going on), each minute weighing down his shoulders. He should be more responsible, he should be smarter. He should get this, it’s the fifth time he is reading the same sentence, goddammit!
The clock on his wall looks like it’s mocking him. The time is passing, you are wasting it. He needs to get this done, he needs to get good grades. He needs to succeed. He feels tears gathering on the corners of his eyes, with a grunt, he quickly rubs them. He wouldn’t cry, he couldn’t. He needed to focus.
The ticks and tacks, sounds of his pencil filling the notebook with annotations and summaries, were like white noise. He sighed, weariness crawling in his bones and making itself home. He blinked, seeing black for a while. Wake up. Namjoon abruptly steadied himself on the chair, hand already going to snap the elastic band wrapped around his wrist, creating light but sharp pain, enough to keep him awake. He stared blankly at the circular redness that was already adorning his wrist.
Just a few more chapters.
VvV
I close my eyes, feeling that everything is too tight.
When he wakes up, it was still dark. Namjoon just stares at the ceiling, a little lost. He still feels exhausted. He was hoping for a good amount of sleep, knowing that he wouldn’t be productive with just 2 hours of sleep per day. Still sleepy, he searched for his phone beside him, unlocking the screen to see the time.
1:40 AM.
He furrowed his eyebrows, not knowing why he was awake. He went to sleep one hour ago, and he was (still is) really tired. Locking his phone, he turned around, adjusting his blanket and closing his eyes. He waited for the sweet state of unconsciousness to take him.
But nothing.
Sighing, he tried again. And again. And again, but it seems like his mind couldn’t relax. His body was begging for sleep, he knew he needed it, but he just couldn’t. He was frustrated now, thinking about how much work he had to do, how much time he wasted trying to sleep but he couldn’t even do this right.
He unlocked his phone again, this time to check his Instagram feed. It’s been a while since he checked his social media, he tried to avoid it the most because it would be a distraction. A useless one too. But now, he knew he wouldn’t sleep anytime soon, and he was too tired to open a book, so social media will do.
He scrolled for a while, double taping some photos from his classmates, cousin, friends. He even commented on one of Jackson’s post with his new girlfriend. His eyes were hurting from being sleep deprived, and he could feel a headache already forming. He was ready to lock his phone when a photo on his feed catches his attention. It was from a rapper he loved, he wasn’t famous, but had a few followers of his own. The photo was him on stage, a selfie at some show, his probably. Namjoon stared at the photo long enough to memorize all the people’s faces in the crowd. The photo screamed at him, he didn’t know why, but he felt uncomfortable, with a tingle of despair. His heart was squeezing in his chest, as if it didn’t have enough room.
Without thinking, Namjoon tapped on the rapper’s icon, his profile appearing in a second, and unfollowed him. He locked his phone right after, throwing it to the other side of the bed. He returned to just staring at the ceiling.
Now he just let the tears roll down his face. He was crying, and it wouldn’t change anything.
He didn’t have a choice.
Pathetic.
VvV
Where did my heart go?
From: Taehyung (07:37 p.m)
hYUNg
Let’s have dinner together today
I know you haven’t had a proper meal since forever
Namjoon contemplated an answer. He was happy that Taehyung had asked him out, Namjoon missed him. He felt a little guilty because it was always Taehyung that invited him for something, never the other way around. He liked Taehyung, hell, maybe he was in love with him, but he wasn’t sure what the other felt. Even if Taehyung said that he liked him, there was a big part of him that had doubt. Why would Taehyung like someone like him?
Taehyung always had a passion for acting, it was something that moved him forward and gives meaning to basically everything in his life. Namjoon believes that when a person does something that they love, especially related to art, they glow. And to Namjoon, Taehyung was the sun.
They met on Tinder (yes, Tinder). Namjoon was really lonely, and Taehyung— actually, he isn’t sure why a guy like him ever thought of the need to use the dating app. To Namjoon’s surprise, they matched, and it was Taehyung who texted him first.
“THE RYAN FIGURES ON YOUR PHOTO ARE REALLY CUTE OMFG”
Namjoon had to check it twice to confirm that it was indeed Taehyung, he even thought that they matched by accident (maybe his fingers slipped) because there was no reason someone like him would even glance in his direction.
With shaking fingers, he replied, “you’re really cute”. It was when he tapped the send button that he realized how cringy that message was, and that was when he started to panic. Control yourself, Kim Namjoon, you don’t even know him, the rejection won’t be painful.”
“thank you (σ ≧ ▽≦ σ)”
After that, they talked about everything. Their hobbies, ambitions, (Namjoon said he didn’t have any, Taehyung didn’t believe it) and their days. Talking become a routine, and Namjoon slowly fell in love (that is a lie, it was fast and hard) with him. It wasn’t hard, really, Taehyung was perfect. Everything that Namjoon aims to be. Everything he wasn’t.
“You are nice, let’s go out”
To say Namjoon freaked out was an understatement, he panicked. He wanted to go out! He said I am nice! Why? Why?
They met at a park, Taehyung had a dog and wanted Namjoon to meet her. Namjoon agreed although he wasn’t sure about the dog part (He was more of a cat person). They met, and oh, Namjoon was in love. The boy was even more beautiful in person if that’s possible. The moment he smiled and said his name, he was trapped.
They met other times after that, but Namjoon refused to say they were dates. Taehyung never made a move, more than a kiss on the check (Namjoon almost died). He already accepted that they were just friends, and nothing more.
Even so, he wanted to go out, he knew he couldn’t. He hadn’t study enough and he had to start some assignments that he was procrastinating to do.
You (07:41 p.m)
Sorry
I’m kinda busy rn
From: Taehyung (07:41 p.m)
Really?
With waht
What
You (07:43 p.m)
I have to study
And do assignments
This kind of stuff
Sorry
From: Taehyung (07:46 p.m)
Hmm
r u in your dorm
You (07:46 p.m)
Yeah
Why
You (07:55 p.m)
Taehyung?
VvV
I got it
Taehyung smiled to the kind lady, reaching his hand to take the plastic bag from her hand. He thanked her again, bowing one last time before heading to his destination. He was going to surprise Namjoon, it’s been too long since the last time they saw each other. Taehyung couldn’t concentrate this whole time because he missed him too much.
Call him lovesick, but just hearing Namjoon’s voice could make Taehyung smile. Namjoon was so smart and pure, a beautiful soul that Taehyung was glad to know. He deserved the best, and Taehyung was determined to make him happy.
He knew the address to the dorm by heart since he always picked Namjoon up for their dates. He had brought everything for a perfect night, takeout dinner, his laptop (in case Namjoon didn’t have a TV with Netflix) and chocolate. No one deserved to study on a Friday night, especially when it wasn’t finals week, so Taehyung thought that a date night would be perfect.
Maybe he would confess today if everything went right. It was about time, Taehyung had no idea if the feeling was mutual, but it didn’t matter at this point.
He reached the dorms, going straight to Namjoon’s floor; the fifth, second door on the right. With a deep breath, he knocked on the door, a small smile on his face.
No one responded, which was odd since he was sure that Namjoon was in his dorm. Knocking again, he waited, but nothing. Growing worried, he unlocked his phone, ready to call Namjoon when he heard the lock opening, and Namjoon’s tired and puffy face appearing in the gap.
“Who…?” Namjoon blinked a few times, recognizing the body in front of him. His eyes widened, his cheeks going red when he realized his own appearance. His face probably looked puffy since he was stress crying not so long ago, and he was sure that his hair was disheveled from pulling it too much.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” Namjoon opened the door, taking a step back in the process. Taehyung took advantage of this moment to analyze the boy. He looked… sad. And lost. Frowning, he entered the room, placing the takeout and his backpack on the table.
“Why are you here?” Namjoon asked, a little embarrassed with the mess that was his room. There were papers and books everywhere, even on the floor (he not so accidentally threw them on the floor in the middle of a breakdown the other day, but he was too tired to put everything back in their place).
“I just thought it would be nice to surprise you with dinner.” Taehyung smiled a little, looking at the papers on the floor. “Hey… Are you okay?”
Namjoon’s heart stopped. It was a simple question, so why did he feel so nervous? He clenched his fists, putting a small smile on his face.
“Y-yes” his voice cracked. “Of course, I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Ok…” Taehyung’s eyes were sad. Why is he sad? “You know that I like you, right?”
Even Taehyung was surprised by the blunt confession, but it seemed like the right thing to do right now. Well, he wasn’t very good with timing anyway.
“I like you, and I want you to trust me.” He said, dead serious.
Namjoon could feel the tears forming in his eyes, he didn’t believe that he was this emotional over this. Maybe after so much time without someone by his side showing that they care, having Taehyung right now… was overwhelming.
“Are you really okay?”
Namjoon nodded, a single tear falling from his eyes. No, he wasn’t okay, nothing was okay. He sobbed, covering his face with his hands. There was nothing wrong with his life, he had everything, so why was he sad? Why am I crying?
Taehyung just hugged him. He waited for Namjoon to calm down a little, it hurts to see him like this, but he needed to stay calm. He would do everything in his power to make Namjoon happy, to make him feel loved. He deserved it.
He made Namjoon sit down while he got him a glass of water. When he came back, Namjoon had stopped crying. Instead, he was staring at the ceiling, his gaze blank and utterly lost. Namjoon decided to tell Taehyung everything, he couldn’t handle hiding the truth anymore; He needed to admit:
I’m not okay.
“Here.” Namjoon accepted the water with a small ‘thank you’, taking a gulp while Taehyung sits by his side. He waited to see if Namjoon wanted to talk, even if he didn’t, Taehyung would still be by his side.
“It’s just-” Namjoon started, trying to find the right words. “I constantly feel that what I am doing is not enough. It doesn’t matter how much time and effort I put in something, It’s just never right.” He took a deep breath. “I’m not enough.”
“You are,” Taehyung said with conviction, taking Namjoon’s hands in his. Namjoon just shook his head.
“The thing is, I thought that doing what my family wanted and putting my passion aside would be the right thing to do, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t and I am so stressed to at least do this one thing right, to succeed and maybe stop regretting my choices, to just start to like myself.” He snorted, feeling the frustration get to him. “It’s too late to go back now.”
“Hyung, it’s never too late to do what you love,” Taehyung assured. “And, and even if you aren’t ready to just drop everything, you can start little by little.”
“Don’t deprive yourself from the things that make you happy.” Taehyung squeezed his hand for emphasis. “It kills you.”
Namjoon was at a loss for words, he never saw this side of Taehyung. He knew the boy was smart, (really smart), but he wasn’t used to seeing him so serious about something.
“Thank you.” He felt like he could breathe now, even if he didn’t have everything figured out yet, it was something that he was willing to try.
He was going to be okay.
VvV
I got you.
“You know that I was serious about liking you right?”
“I like you too.”
“No, like, like like.”
“…Oh.”