Chapter Text
Yoongi had never been particularly good at expressing himself. Through music, he showed the world a side of himself he had kept hidden in the shadows cast by the harsh light of stardom that, while at first had been a gentle glow, had become a glare that concealed any and all darkness that could be used against him.
It shone brightly on the smile he sent his fans and the lyrics he rapped, but blocked out his past, dazzling you before you could properly lay your eyes upon it.
He had let some shadows seep through into his lyrics, recounting how things had not always been as easy as they now seemed, but even that was not quite true anymore. Though he no longer struggled to support himself financially, the stress and pressure had eventually taken its toll, his carefully built walls cracking and the cloth he covered his secrets with had begun to tear at the seams.
It was Hoseok that had helped him stitch it back together. It was Hoseok that had helped him fill the cracks with cement, pulling at his cheeks until his forced smiles became genuine and his eyes sparkle as they once had.
Of course, the others had certainly helped. Namjoon gently listened to his concerns and always said the right things at the right time, Taehyung brought laughter to his lips, Jimin and Jungkook patiently helping him through times when everything got a little too much, and Jin constantly checked on him, making sure he was taking proper care of himself, bringing food up to his room whenever he forgot to come down from his recording room, gently scolding him with carefully-chosen words.
Yes, everyone had helped in their own way, but none as much as Hoseok.
Since the beginning, Hoseok had always stood out, even among the other members. His smile had captured Yoongi's attention, his actions were large and mirrored his emotions perfectly. At first, it seemed as though he found it near impossible to hide how he felt when his eyes gave so much away.
Though it may have been his smile that Yoongi first noticed, it was also the shadow of an emotion passing over his face when he first introduced himself to the members.
Longing.
It was only later that Yoongi learnt of his situation at home, how he never felt as though he belonged and did all he could to impress a father that never seemed to care.
Yoongi took longer to open up, but while his own mixtape was in the process of being created, he had finally told Hoseok of his past, brought nearly to tears as his fellow member rubbed a comforting hand in circles on his back, delicately tugging him back to reality with soothing words and gentle touches.
It wasn't long after that when Yoongi's mind turned to darker places, places he knew shouldn't exist, even within the darkest recesses of his broken mind.
He recorded another song with help from the other members. He had never sung before, remaining in his comfort zone as harsh lyrics tumbled from his mouth, secrets slipping from his lips in the form of intense raps that showcased his best abilities. He knew his singing was mediocre at best, but he felt as if he owed the other boy something after all he had done for him, and so he approached the other members, including Namjoon, who all had experience in this matter.
It had taken some time to find his voice, pushing boundaries in order to finish by the deadline he had never intended to meet. Though the vocalists had more experience, even Namjoon had good advice since his voice mirrored Yoongi's the best, deep and gravelly with a soft baritone and rough lyrics. It was a completely new style to what he was used to, but it somehow fitted. His voice mixed with the beat perfectly, notes dripping from his lips in a sweet baritone he didn't know existed before this moment. You could hear the passion laced into his words, and while the others had teased him about it at first, they soon fell into awe at how differently his voice was compared to their previous expectations.
He never released the song.
When the members asked, confused as to why they had all come together to create something he had never ended up releasing, he simply told them he was insecure. He told them that it didn't fit with his theme and that maybe he'd work on it some more before releasing it to the public.
He never released the song, and they soon stopped asking him when he would.
Quite some time had passed since the time when his feelings were fresh in his mind and his emotions were muddled. He had been confused back then, but after an entire year to think about the thoughts that had certainly been plaguing him for longer than he would have liked to admit, he couldn't deny that the words he had sung and recorded back then were any less meaningful to him now. In fact, they had only grown stronger, and while he wouldn't have minded hiding them if he could, the little things that Hoseok did remind him and a dull ache would rumble in his chest.
It wouldn't be long until he tripped on his heartstrings, a small stumble resulting in a mistake he knew he wouldn't be able to take back.
So instead of waiting until that happened, Yoongi finally decided it was time to do something about these thoughts that were now far too out of control to even consider trying to forget in order to save their friendship.
It was all or nothing, and Yoongi had to take that risk.
So after a long haul of choreography practice, lyric writing and just general hard work, instead of resting like the other members, he moved to the studio, opening up a file that had been left untouched ever since they finished the recording.
He tapped a finger against the table, a nervous tick he had picked up sometime he couldn't quite recall, eyes drifting over the colourful layers of music that made up the song he had poured so much passion into, and the only song where he showcased the hidden talent he had discovered.
Listening to the song again after so much time had passed touched his soul in ways he hadn't thought was possible, eyes stinging with tears that could never amount to the emotions that flooded his brain.
Why did it hurt so much?
He stayed awake hours into the night, listening to the secret he was finally going to reveal to the one who mattered most to him with a heavy heart.
The computer shut down by itself sometime in the night and Jin found him in the morning, back bent awkwardly with his head resting on the desk, leaving a patch of sweat as the only piece of evidence that the elder needed to confirm his worries.
He couldn't do much, and so he brought a pillow down, adjusting Yoongi's head in what Jin hoped was a comfortable position, and draped a blanket over his back and shoulders, a quiet sigh falling from his lips as he took in the rapper's sleeping form, lips parted slightly as his warm breath mixed with cool morning air.
Yoongi woke up late that day. He assumed it was luck that no plans had been made for today, meaning he hadn't missed anything important for once, but a scolding from Jin told him otherwise.
After several empty promises, Jin left him alone, muttering incoherent insults and complaints.
But Yoongi's eyes were not on Jin, but searching the room for the boy with the Gwangju accent that always stood out, even when everyone else was talking over him. "Hyung, have you seen Hobi?"
Jin lifted his head, forgetting about his anger in seconds. "He just left to get us some drinks since we've been practising all morning," Well, not completely forgotten, Yoongi noted as Jin sent him a playful glare. "Why?"
"I just wanted to see him, is all." As he turned to leave the dance studio, he glanced back with a small smile. "If he comes back here, could you tell him I'm looking for him?"
He wasn't sure if he did something to give it away, but the playfulness on Jin's face flickered as he returned the action. "Sure thing, Yoongi-yah."
And so Yoongi left, shoving his hands in his pockets more for comfort than to keep them warm.
He moved around the building, keeping his eyes trained on his surroundings just in case they caught sight of the red hair Hoseok had so recently acquired. At least he'll be hard to miss.
After several minutes of searching by the vending machines on a few floors of the building, he assumed Hoseok would have returned by now and was most likely going to come back out and look for him, which would work in favour for neither of them.
The hallways weren't entirely empty, with staff moving to and from different rooms, eyes cast down towards their phones or paperwork that they hadn't yet looked over. But it was far too quiet for Yoongi's liking, save for the slight murmur of conversations behind certain doors where meetings or discussions were taking place.
Yoongi didn't much care to listen, so after taking one last look he turned back, only to stumble into something quite solid.
"Yoongi-yah?"
Yoongi lifted his gaze and immediately they widened, the older boy stepping back as his cheeks slightly reddened with embarrassment, nervously tapping his thigh with a single finger. "Hobi..."
The younger grinned, his lips parting into the heart-shaped smile he was famous for, eyes crinkling slightly at the edges. Even when he pulled them back together, his cheeks remained full with the smile that remained. "I heard you were looking for me, so I came to find you."
"Ah, yeah-"
"What's up, Hyung? Missing me already~?" Hoseok grinned again and Yoongi could feel his knees going weak. "You haven't seen me all morning, after all... You must have been worried about me."
Yoongi played along, mouth widening into a smile of their own accord. "Of course, how could I live without you Hobi?"
The pair laughed, the one-sided tension Yoongi felt quickly diminishing from a flame to a slight glow amongst burnt wood. But he could not push his worries from his mind, and so he shifted his weight, smile shrinking slightly. "I have something to show you, that's why I was looking for you."
As per usual, Hoseok found this information fascinating, despite having no clue what Yoongi was on about. He clung to the older boy's arm as they moved back down the hallway, passing staff who looked upon them as if it were the norm, which wouldn't be wrong.
Well, not usually.
Hoseok was saying something, but Yoongi wasn't listening. He was having a hard enough time trying to control his erratic heartbeat and praying that it didn't show on his face, let alone listen to whatever useless topic Hoseok was rambling on about.
He wanted to listen, but his brain was running on overdrive, throwing disastrous scenarios through his mind faster than he could disprove them.
It was chaos, but there was nothing he could do.
When they reached the recording studio, Yoongi hesitated, sucking in a breath before pushing the door open, the slight creaking sound it created putting him on edge.
"I, um-" Yoongi stuttered, face reddening. "I wrote something."
Hoseok's eyes brightened once more. "Hyung, you're working on something new?"
"Sort of. I-" Now he was really red, he could tell as the heat crawled up his neck and reached the top of his ears that he must look like a wreck. Lack of sleep piled on top of a blotchy red face was not the kind of look he was going for, but it would have to do. He had already started after all. Another breath, try again.
"I wrote something for you."
Hoseok paused, head tilting. "For... Me?"
Yoongi nodded, tapping his thigh again. Hoseok noticed this time and smiled once more, his face aglow with an emotion that could easily have been misinterpreted, especially by someone looking for the sign of hope that the older boy so desperately needed. "I'm flattered~ You never write songs for other people, Hyung."
Yoongi nodded. "Yeah, but..." He was so hesitant, which was so unusual for him. He hated the pauses he made during every sentence he made. It showed how unsure and nervous he was and he didn't want Hoseok to notice.
"I guess it's a special occasion."
With those words, Yoongi soundlessly moved across the room, opening up the computer as quickly as he could manage, opening the file he had been delaying for far too long. After that, everything went by too fast; his finger swiping across until the mouse hovered just over the play button and, with as little hesitation as was humanly possible for Yoongi in that moment, he clicked.
I don't stand in line, I don't pay for clubs, Fuck that, yeah
But I wait for you
I don't like to drink, I don't like to think, Fuck that, Woah...
The first lines played, the sound filling the room with Yoongi's voice. He had been confident before, when he had listened to it on repeat for hours the night before, but now it was happening, he began to pick out mistakes he hadn't noticed before, and the slight pride he had felt for it soon disappeared, only to be replaced with doubt, anxiety and self-loathing.
He curled up into a ball, praying for it to be a dream. Praying that this wasn't happening. His fingers buried themselves into his hair, tugging at the strands as if they'd provide him with a way to escape the storm that hung over his head.
But I ponder you, oh
I'm bending it over
You're my four leaf clover
I'm so in love, so in love...
It was this moment that Yoongi began to panic. His eyes watered and his throat constricted, breaths falling through his lips faster than he could swallow them.
There's no one above, up above
It took him a moment, but he registered something warm attaching itself to his hands, tugging gently in order to coax him to open up his body again.
Forever's a long time, yes...
Hoseok's fingers were warm and gentle, and when they were tucked under Yoongi's chin to lift his gaze, he didn't fight them. He let them lift his face back up to the younger man's level, despite the salty tears that continued to fall.
My blue jeans
Will last me all my life, Woah yes...
Hoseok's expression softened as he pulled Yoongi to his feet. The latter didn't know what to expect, but he certainly wasn't expecting to be pulled into a hug, the former's warm body enveloping him and drowning out the thoughts that threatened to drown him.
So should we
I'm spending, yeah, all this time...
The two of them stayed like that until Yoongi's breaths evened out a little, Hoseok running his fingers through Yoongi's hair in a comforting gesture that brought Yoongi back to reality. Once more, tears fell down his cheeks, but they were no longer from sorrow, just relief. Endless relief that he wasn't being ridiculed as if Hoseok would ever do that.
Met you at the shop, Sun was getting hot, I'm lonely, yeah
I'm in the city on my own
Never would've thought you'd be the one, I got a homie...
At first, Yoongi thought he was a little dazed, but soon enough he realised that it was Hoseok, rocking from side to side gently to the beat of the music that flowed in the background, that meant he felt a little off-balance.
But that's the way it goes
I'm reaching Nirvana
Goodbye sweet Rwanda
High school was never for me...
Yoongi buried his face in the crook of Hoseok's neck, heart doing flips in his chest as he processed exactly what was happening in that moment.
Hoseok is dancing with me. I am dancing with Hoseok.
I say let it be, let it be
Forever's a long time, yeah...
Before his thoughts can progress further, Yoongi feels Hoseok withdraw from the embrace. For a moment his brain stutters, eyes widening with worry, but these thoughts die the moment Hoseok links their hands, fingers interlacing.
Yoongi glances up, mesmerised by the smile on Hoseok's face that he has never seen the likes of before. It's the warmest expression that he has ever laid his eyes upon, and he could only imagine how he is most likely mirroring the taller boy whose eyes seem to sparkle in the low light of the recording studio.
My blue jeans
Will last me all my life, Woah yes
So should we
I'm spending all this time...
They had been moving closer ever since they had changed positions, avoiding the furniture and papers scattered around on the floor carefully as they swayed gently to the song playing in the background.
Yoongi didn't notice just how close they were until he felt Hoseok's breath on his lips, the faint smell of mint and chocolate reaching his nose. He began to feel self-conscious and went to duck his head away, but Hoseok beat him, dipping his head lower, connecting their lips in a single movement.
Yoongi froze, but it only lasted a moment. He soon relaxed, tilting his head and returning the kiss with what he hoped was as much affection as he had poured into the song that continued playing.
He wasn't ready to pull away and, from the looks of it, neither was Hoseok, but they would have to eventually. Only when he ran out of breath did he pull away slowly, savouring the feeling of Hoseok's mouth on top of his.
You don't even know me
You don't even know me
I'm hanging from the tree
I'm hanging from the tree...
He buried his head in Hoseok's neck again, embarrassment taking hold once more.
The taller boy clearly wasn't having it any of it, tugging at Yoongi's chin rather roughly. Certainly not enough to hurt, but enough to surprise him. His eyes were wide as he looked upwards.
"Why are you hiding?"
"I-" Yoongi swallowed, wanting nothing more than to hide away again, his emotions easier to hide.
Hoseok's expression softened. "You're scared."
"No, I-" Yoongi was about to protest, but he had nothing more to say. Hoseok knew him better than anyone, so of course, he could tell what he was feeling, especially when he was as vulnerable as he was now, emotions as clear as daylight. His voice became small and, though he tried to break eye contact, Hoseok kept him in place. "Yes."
He looked as though he was going to break, and so Hoseok pulled him into another hug, attempting to soothe him with sweet nothings. "It's ok, Yoongi-yah. You don't have to be scared.
"Your feelings aren't one-sided, I promise, ok? Have some confidence, it looks better on you."
Separating, Hoseok began to wipe away the tear stains on his cheeks, despite the shorter boy's protests.
"Hobi, they'll get dirty, you dumbass!"
"It's fine because it's Yoongi."
When they met each other's gaze, Yoongi knew that he'd trip on his heartstrings again and make many more mistakes before he found his footing.
He found he didn't mind if it was Hoseok.