Chapter Text
August 28, 2016
Dear friend,
I don’t quite understand why they have told me to write to you. But… I guess they worry that I’ll get bad again… I don’t quite understand how writing to you is supposed to help me, but I will try.
I won’t add a return address for you to reply to. I don’t want a reply. I just want to tell you everything. What did they say again?
“Tell them everything to get it off your chest.” Well, that’s what I will do. Even if I am not sure how it will prevent me from getting bad again. But I will try.
Wouldn’t want to disappoint my fans. Well, family actually. But, you know, my family are my biggest fans.
Well, jokes aside… I’m scared of them being right. I’m scared of getting bad again. I don’t want to go back to it. It hurts when you feel so insignificant.
But maybe I should tell you what getting bad means. You don’t really know me yet but I know you’d want to if you could see what I looked like. But no picture for you. It would make it a waste to not include a return address.
I’m about to enter my second to last year of High School. At a new school. Because a lot of things went wrong at my old one.
My best friend before the summer was called Michael. Notice the “was”? Well, Michael he kind of… killed himself before summer break. Shot himself they say. I don’t understand why. They say he had trouble at home. I don’t understand.
He didn’t even tell me he was going to do it… He just left me. Without a word. Not even a note or letter or anything. I think he was acting selfishly. I know now that I was the one being selfish. I never thought that he could have been hurting. Not until the day they announced over the speakers at school that he had passed on.
Rumours spread fast at high school. Someone had heard the gunshot. Michael was alone at home that day.
I didn’t even truly understand what had happened. I couldn’t process it. It took a while for the news to settle. And when it did… I was a wreck. At his funeral. That’s when what had happened finally hit me and I just collapsed right there. My parents say they were worried I had attempted as well. I didn’t. I don’t want anyone to hurt because of me. Not again.
When I was young, I hurt my Aunt Honerva. I never understood what I had done wrong when I asked why she was crying. I understand now. I don’t think I should tell you her secrets, though. They are hers. Not mine.
When Michael died, I went bad for the first time. The first time was at his funeral. The second happened when they hand-picked his friends and sent us to the counsellor as a group. I hit him. The counsellor. He kept talking badly about Michael. They needed to call someone else than him to calm us down. Well, to calm me down. The others just moved on with their lives as if it was nothing. As if no one had left them forever. But I couldn’t. I blamed myself, you know? For not noticing. But no one understood. They only told me to stop. They said I wasn’t at fault and that I should stop feeling this way. I couldn’t stop it.
My brothers helped me. They understood and let me mourn. Ulaz even let me work on his car. He never lets anyone touch it, especially not me. Maybe he’s scared that it would suit me better than him but hey, I can’t help being the most attractive child my parents have.
When summer came, my parents decided to take me out of school and send me to a different one.
That’s why I’m writing this letter today.
Tomorrow I start my second to last year of high school.
At a new school.
And I’m scared.
But I will try.
I’m scared but I will be alright.
Won’t I?
Of course I’ll be. I’m me after all.
I shouldn’t be scared.
But I am.
Love always,
Lance