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„Hello Renly." Loras threw the red rose he had brought from the king's garden angrily in front of his lover's grave. This was the first time that he visited his grave.
His breath sounded heavily. He couldn't do this. It was too much. He was gone for one year now. One year. And it still felt, like it happened just yesterday. The loss was still a stabbing pain in his heart. Like someone had came and cut it right out of his chest. It wouldn't have wondered him, if that really had happened.
On this day in King's Landing clouds were covering up the sky and the sun was hiding behind them. It was a little bit cold. Colder than the coldest night in Highgarden. But warmer than yesterday. Loras wrapped his hands securly around his middle so he wouldn't loose too much warmth.
He tried to ignore a single tear escaping his eye as he took shaking steps to the last memorial of his soulmate.
„I'm sorry, Love…", he whispered, as he kneeled to get a better view of the craving on the marble stone.
‚Beloved Brother, Uncle and Husband.'
He laughed bittersweet. Husband… As if his lovely sister had been any good for him. His eyes wandered to his crossed fingers. He could still remember Renly's strong hand in his. How his fingers could fit his perfectly. Like they were made to hold each others hands day by day for the rest of their lives.
„I… I need to tell you something, Love.", Loras stuttered as he sat down on the grass next to the stone. Carefully, he took the rose and started to play with its petals while talking softly to his once beloved.
„A lot happened…" The clouds were getting heavier and heavier as the sky got darker and darker while the blonde clumsily kept on talking. „I kinda have the need, to tell you…" He looked up into the sky as he held back a sob by biting his lips. The pain was a good distraction to get the next sentence out.
„I have to marry, Renly."
Silence. The man couldn't look at the stone anymore. It just was too much for him to take. The world was so cruel! He didn't want to marry Sansa or Cersei! He wanted his Renly back! The only thing he wanted was his life to be alright again. Why did it had to be such a chaos? Why couldn't he just love girls? And most important: Why did Renly had to die?!
He couldn't hold back the sobs anymore that now filled the silence of the lonely graveyard, as thick tears streamed down his face like a waterfall.
„You… I don't want to marry her…" His sight became blurry as he now knelt right in front of the front side of the grave. He swallowed hard and steadied his gace on it.
„But that's not the only thing." His hands dug deep in his curls so he couldn't break down. The only strength, that was left of him. He felt so ashamed as he finally got the courage to spill out the truth.
„I slept with this guy..." He could feel more tears rushing down his cheeks. He never wanted to sleep with Olyver. He had been so drunk and he hadn't thought anything through in that moment at all. He had felt so humiliated after it. Like a ton of people laughed right into his face. He couldn't think, what to do next.
„I…" Loras swallowed his words as one more sob left his mouth instead. The emptiness and sadness had taken over his whole body by now. Stiffly he stared at one point next to Renly's rose. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this sad and lost and frightend.
He was alone. Nobody gave a damn for his opinion or his wishes and nobody was there to help him. Suddenly everything just broke. His marriage, his night with Olyver, the war, Joffrey… Everything just crashed over his head and fell onto his shoulders. This was the first time in which he could feel the heaviness of this whole situation. How could he fix this without his other half?
„I'm so sorry Renly, forgive me." On his knees he crawled to the stone and leaned against it. He wrapped his shaking hands around his knees.
„Forgive me please… I'm so sorry." He repeated this sentences again and again until he fell into a light sleep next to his once beloved one.
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He gave his soulmate a sweet smile as he fixed a stray curl on his head. Carefully he laid a hand on the sleeping Loras's shoulder.
„It will be okay. I'm with you.", he whispered softly in his ear. Really, really quiet just like the wind there was one last thing to be heard, before Renly had to leave his Loras again:
„I love you."