Chapter Text
It's winter when Yoongi stops working on his mixtape.
"It's not good to lie around like this, Yoongi-ah." Seokjin sighs, "All you do is go to class, finish your work, eat and sleep."
"Isn't that the life of a college student?" Yoongi fires back, and the older rolls his eyes.
"I'm your hyung, have some respect." he sits down across from Yoongi, "I'm just worried about you. Recently you haven't been doing anything that you enjoy."
"What do you mean by that?"
Seokjin shrugs, "Your camera is gathering dust in that shelf. I haven't seen you spend time at the basketball court for weeks. And you haven't been going to the studio at all lately..... what happened to your mixtape? Is it not coming along well?"
"I'll get back to the mixtape when the time is right."
"When the time is right?" Seokjin echoes dubiously, and Yoongi nods.
"Nothing has inspired me recently, that's all. I'm not going to make a mixtape full of empty words and untrue stories. It needs to have passion. Something important."
"Then go for a walk, try something new, do something." the older of the two snaps, "You won't gain inspiration from lying in bed all day."
"I go to class."
"You know what I mean, Yoongi."
Yoongi lifts a shoulder, "The frost is hard this year, hyung. You know how I hate the cold. It's just getting my spirits down. Don't worry about me."
Seokjin raises an eyebrow, "You're telling me that you've become a lethargic lump because of the weather?"
"Yes."
"Because of winter."
"Yes."
"The same winter that comes and goes every year, and the same cold that appears annually at this time, and the same frost that you have been experiencing since you were born."
Yoongi looks away, realizing that it sounds a little stupid if put like that, but still replies, "Yes."
Seokjin makes a frustrated sound, "I give up. You will be coming to Hoseok's and Jimin's winter dance showcase, right? Or are you going to hole yourself up in your room because it's too cold to make it to the auditorium?'
"I'm coming, of course." Yoongi replies icily, "Don't make me sound so terrible, hyung, you know I wouldn't miss their showcase. And why is holing myself up in my room a bad thing?"
Seokjin doesn't reply to this, instead muttering, "I can't believe I miss the times when you would hole yourself up in your studio, doing something productive. It's nice that you are at the apartment more often, Yoongi, but I miss the time when you were actually enjoying things."
I miss it, too, hyung, Yoongi wants to say, but he doesn't. Instead he just stretches and reaches for the remote, and Seokjin settles down more comfortably beside him, and they spend the evening watching some crappy K-drama thats name Yoongi cannot remember.
The winter is harsh, and the winds are chilly, and the weather is dull. Even though it is dark now, Yoongi can somehow still see the grayness of the skies. It looks cold and uninviting.
Yoongi shivers, and Seokjin watches him, worry clear in his expression.
"Don't worry about me." Yoongi says again, and Seokjin looks away.
Seokjin knows that Yoongi will tell him not to worry, and Yoongi knows that Seokjin will worry anyway.
It is a familiar aspect of Yoongi's life, something he is grateful for.
"What should we order for dinner?" Seokjin asks. The previous conversation has been dismissed, the tension evaporates quickly, and Yoongi smiles.
"Lamb skewers." he replies promptly, and he laughs when Seokjin hits him.
***
"I'm glad you came down today, hyung." Namjoon says appreciatively, as he spooned some sugar into his hot chocolate.
"Me, too. It's been a while since we've seen you, hyung." Taehyung beams at him, "Why are you only having a black coffee? This shop has the best hot chocolate."
"I can drink whatever I want, kid." is Yoongi's reply, and Taehyung snorts.
"Aish, you're boring, Yoongi hyung."
"Do you want to die, Kim Taehyung? Don't get on my nerves."
They're momentarily distracted by Namjoon, who somehow nearly knocks the entire pot of sugar off the table. Luckily, Taehyung is quick enough to steady it, and both Yoongi and Taehyung have to listen to a three-minute justification, as Namjoon swears that he has no idea how it happened, and maybe these tables are too small for three people, but that's hardly his fault.
It makes Yoongi feel a little warmer, but not warm enough to laugh, like Taehyung is doing. Instead, he just rolls his eyes, and Namjoon looks wounded. Taehyung laughs harder.
They finish their drinks, and then the youngest stands up and announces that he's off.
"Jimin and Hobi hyung said I can watch their practice." Taehyung explains, eyes shining excitedly, "I've heard it's really cool this time. Jimin might even do some hip-hop with Hoseok hyung, can you believe it?"
Yoongi is only a little bit surprised. Both Jimin and Hoseok major in dance, but while Hoseok is more into locking, popping and street-style, Jimin is a very passionate contemporary dancer.
At the same time, Jimin his fantastic at his major, so Yoongi figures he'll do fine.
"Well." Namjoon watches as Taehyung exits the shop, "I'll actually be heading to Jackson's place. We've got some work we need to finish."
Yoongi and Seokjin's apartment is on the way to Jackson's, so Yoongi gets up along with Namjoon.
"I haven't seen you at the studio recently." Namjoon says, as the two of them walk along the icy sidewalk, "I asked Seokjin hyung, and he says that you don't leave the apartment unless you have class. Is everything okay, hyung?"
"It's fine." Yoongi waves him off.
"You've left your mixtape half-way, though." Namjoon speaks carefully, like he knows he's treading on thin ice.
"I haven't really left it, Namjoon-ah. It's on hiatus."
"What about photography?"
"Hiatus."
"Basketball?"
"It's too cold for that."
Namjoon seems to accept this, "But why are music and photography on hiatus?"
"It's not like I don't do music at all." Yoongi shrugs, "I mean, I major in music production, so it happens."
"But your mixtape, hyung." Namjoon presses, and the older sighs.
"You know I don't do things half-heartedly, Namjoon. Especially things like music and phtography.... you need to be inspired."
"And right now you're not inspired? You're not inspired by anything?"
"Nothing at all." Yoongi confirms, "I don't know why. It's just going slow at the moment. It'll clear itself out. I'll find something inspiring."
"Not if you're stuck in your room all day, though." Namjoon points out.
Yoongi scowls, "Its obvious just how much you've been speaking to Seokjin hyung. You sound exactly like him."
"He's just worried, hyung. Usually you're so passionate about the things you enjoy. It's odd seeing you like this." Namjoon bites his lip thoughtfully, "I mean, you usually are always moody and asleep, and all of that, but I've never seen you abandon the studio."
"Well, there's a first time for everything. And it's not abandonned- I'm jut waiting."
"For inspiration."
Yoongi nods, "Exactly."
Namjoon sighs a little, "Seokjin hyung said that you were down because of the winter."
"You know I hate the cold."
Namjoon gestured around at the snow, the ice, the sparkling of the frost on the sidewalk, "It's beautiful, though."
Yoongi looks away, "I know. But I don't feel it."
Namjoon doesn't reply to this. Eventually, they reach Yoongi's apartment, and Namjoon raises a hand in farewell.
"See you on Saturday, right, hyung? At the showcase?"
"Don't worry, I'll be there." Yoongi assures him, and the younger seems satisfied as he turns around and continues his walk to the Jackson's place.
It's beautiful. Namjoon's voice echoes in Yoongi's head.
Yoongi takes one more glance at the scenery in front of him, and two months ago, Yoongi would have found it absolutely breathtaking.
I want to feel it. he thinks, almost desperately, I want to feel inspired again.
***
Yoongi has never seen Jimin dance on stage before. After all, Jimin, like Taehyung, is a freshman, and this is his first showcase.
"He's really good." Taehyung says, and Yoongi rolls his eyes.
"Number one, I know, because I've watched him dance before. Number two, they haven't even started yet."
"But isn't it amazing that he and Hobi get to do a duet? Just for themselves?" Namjoon looks terribly proud, and Yoongi understand the sentiment.
Uusally, it is only the fourth-years, and sometimes the third-years, that get solo stages. Hoseok is only a second year, like Namjoon and Yoongi himself, and Jimin is even younger than that. They must have showed some serious skill in class to be selected to perform on their own.
There's another flurry of greetings, and Yoongi looks up to see Seokjin slide into the seat next to him.
"You're late, hyung." Namjoon says accusingly, and Seokjin looks offended.
"The work in third year is far more difficult than any work you have, Kim Namjoon, so excuse me if I prefer to be on time instead of early."
"You're a drama major, though." Yoongi says, and now it is not only Seokjin who looks offended, but Taehyung, as well.
"What's wrong with that?" the younger demands, "You would fail in any sort of drama class, hyung, you're far too stiff."
Yoongi narrows his eyes at him, and Namjoon waves his arms placatingly, "Guys, don't fight-"
"-careful with your windmill arms, Namjoon-ah, you might kill someone." Seokjin says kindly, and Namjoon splutters.
"Was that meant to be polite, hyung?"
Before Seokjin can reply, the lights dim. A hush falls over the crowd as the program begins.
Yoongi can appreciate a good performance, but it he's honest, he's not really watching with any real interest until Jimin and Hoseok appear.
For a moment, the two of them just stand on the stage, spotlight shining, before it goes dark again. And then music fills the hall- contemporary music, Jimin's style- and Jimin is all over the stage. His movements are neat and precise and graceful as he spins and twirls and tumbles so perfectly. The audience is enraptured, and Yoongi is beyond impressed.
The music fade out, and Jimin disappears. The applause of the audience is drowned out by the next piece of music. It's grittier, heavier- definitely some sort of street-style, because it seems like the type of thing Hoseok would do well in. As if on cue, Hoseok enters, and then he's moving. It's so different from Jimin's dance. Hoseok's movements are anything but contemporary, but they're jut as fluid and precise. Yoongi has seen Hoseok perform before, but the improvement is immense. The boy owns the stage, captures every eye. There is no one in the auditorium whose full attention is not on Jung Hoseok.
The music changes again, and then Jimin appears next to Hoseok, and then both of them re dancing togehter, some sort of hip-hop choreography that even Yoongi will admit is pretty cool. They work well together, their movements in sync. Their styles are different, but they complement each other well. They're both so passionate, it's unnerving. It makes Yoongi's heart ache.
Yoongi really doesn't want it to end, but of course it does. He's not nearly as invested in the rest of the program, he's just waiting for the end so he can congatulate his friends.
"Ah, Jiminie, you were amazing!" Taehyung shouts, throwing himself onto Jimin the moment they came to view, "And you, too, hyung- you were so cool- what was that- it was daebak!"
"Really." Seokjin shakes his head in amazement, "I was so impressed. Really. I wish I could dance like that."
"I'm really proud of you both." Namjoon says, ruffling Jimin's hair and high-fiving Hoseok.
"Thanks, guys!" Jimin beams at the rest of them, "Ah, it really went well, I'm so relieved."
"And Jiminie nailed it." Hoseok slings an arms around the younger boy's shoulder, "He practiced hard for this."
"I did well thanks to hyung." Jimin says gratefully, and Hoseok smiles.
"You two were really excellent." Yoongi says, "I'd say it was the best part of the evening."
"Wah, if Yoongi hyung says so, it must be true." Jimin looks positively thrilled.
"Ah, Jiminie, your parents and your brother are here." Seokjin adds, "I saw them sitting with the rest of the parents and family members."
"It's so sweet that your parents drove for two hours just to see you dance tonight." Namjoon says.
"Not surprising, though." Taehyung snorts, "I mean, they moved all the way from Busan to Souel just so Jimin wouldn't feel alone living in the city."
"Why didn't they move closer to the university, then? They live two hours away." Yoongi asks.
"They couldn't find a good enough high school for my brother." Jimin explains, "The best one was two hours away, so they figured that this way I would be more independant, but they'd still be close enough to see me often."
"And then there are my parents, who are currently on holiday in Switzerland." Taehyung rolls his eyes, and the rest of them laugh, before making their way back to the auditorium to see Jimin's family.
And then later, hours later, after the fancy dinner, and after they return home, and after Yoongi buries himself under his blankets, he wonders what the most alluring part of the performance was. Of course, both his friends had performed stunningly, but Yoongi knew nothing about dance He didn't know whether their moves were correct, or if they moved with the beat or anything of the sort. All he knew was that he could see it in their eyes.
They loved it so much, the dancing, the performing, the lights, the music, the crowd. They lived for it.
Yoongi could see the way their eyes shone with passion, the way they danced as though they had nothing else to live for. As if dance itself was the beginning and the end of everything, as if they would never want to stop.
Yoongi knew how that felt- it used to be something he felt often, every time he worked on a new track, spending hours in the recording studio. When he rapped until his throat hurt and composed until his eyes stung from the brightness of the screen. The way his fingers would ache from writing new lyrics, and yet he wouldn't stop.
It was everything, the way he used to carry his camera around because so many things inspired him so easily. Because so many scenes and so many situations touched his heart.
I want to feel that again, Yoongi thought, Please. Let me me feel that again.
***
"Go for a walk, hyung." Hoseok says firmly.
Yoongi looks up from where he had been watching TV, "How the fuck did you get into my apartment?"
"Seokjin hyung gave me the key." Hoseok replied, "Hyung, you haven't gone for a proper walk for months, do you know how worrisome that is?"
"Not you, too." Yoongi groans, "Listen, II walk across campus, and to your apartment-".
"You might find some inspiration, who knows." Hoseok says, almost pleadingly, "Hyung, you know how you worry us. Just a walk, okay? Do it for us."
"And why would I do that?"
Hoseok narrows his eyes, and says, "Because if you don't, I will tell Seokjin Hyung exactly who finished his stash of Kimchi, don't think I won't."
Yoongi is off the sofa in an instant, because an angry Seokjin- especially a Seokjin who is angry about food- is actually one of the scariest things in existance.
"That was a secret between the two of us!" Yoongi says sharply.
"And it will stay that way if you get your ass off the couch- and off the campus- and go for a walk. It's isn't even that cold, just a little chilly. You'll just need a jacket, you won't even have to wear a scarf."
Yoongi scowls. The only thing that keeps him from clocking Hoseok in the face is the fact that Yoongi does not want to die- especially at the hands of Seokjin. The image of Seokjin threatening him with a butcher knife is what fuels the fire in him. He half- heartedly grabs his jacket and puts on his boots and trudges outside, Hoseok trailing behind him.
"A proper walk, okay, hyung?" Hoseok nags, "Go to the lake or the park or something."
"Shut the fuck up."
Hoseok just pats his shoulder and smiles blindingly, "It'll make you feel better, trust me. I'll go find Seokjin, he'll be thrilled. Where would he be at this time, usually?"
Yoongi ignores him and slinks out the door, leaving Hoseok to switch off the TV and lock up the apartment.
He and Hoseok part ways at the door, with Yoongi going in one direction and the other boy turning the opposite way, because Seokjin would 'most probably be at Namjoon's place, which is also my place, which means he'd be at my house.'
And then Yoongi walks.
He walks and walks and walks, out of the campus, and across the busy streets of Souel, and past the markets. He walks, bundled up in a jacket and a scarf and a hat and gloves, even though Hoseok was right when he said there was no need for all the extra layers. He walks past the park, because there were too many people, too loud, and past the river, because it is too crowded, and then forward until he's definitely at least a fifteen minute walk away from his appartment.
He ends up at the lake, somehow.
Maybe because it is less crowded. Maybe because it seems more peaceful, the type of place Yoongi usually likes.
The lake is frozen over in the cold winter, and Yoongi wishes that he felt like taking a photo.
And for a long time, he just sits, on the grass at the edge of the frozen lake. He sits and doesn't think at all.
There's nothing to think about, after all, so he just closes his eyes and ignores the cold breeze, and stays like that until Seokjin calls and asks him what they should order for dinner.
"Whatever you want." Yoongi replies.
"When are you coming back?" Seokjin asks.
"In some time."
"Where are you?"
Yoongi pauses, and then says, "Out."
Seokjin doesn't ask questions, "Okay. Come back in time for dinner. I'm ordering now, so it should be here by eight."
Yoongi puts down his phone and sits for another fifteen minutes, and then twenty, and then maybe it's been an hour, who knows.
He doesn't make it back in time for dinner, but there's a warm bowl of takeout ont he table when he does get home.
The light is on in Seokjin's room, and he's probably working, so Yoongi figures he should thank him for dinner.
But when he opens the door, Seokjin is asleep, head on his desk, papers scattered everywhere, gigantic books piled on the table. Seokjin is pale, dark circles under his eyes, like he asn't slept for days. And for all his teasing about the older boy being a drama major, Yoongi knows how difficult it is, and he knows Seokjin works harder than anyone.
For a moment, he contemplates setting up the papers and switching of the light, but he knows Seokjin wouldn't appreciate someone rearranging his work without his permission, and he also knows that at these moments, when Seokjin is piled with work, he prefers to be left alone.
So instead, Yoongi closes the door and mkes his way back to the kitchen, and proceeds to wash every single dish in the sink (because they are broke Uni students who cannot afford to repair their dishwasher) and then he dries them, too, and then rearranges them in their shelves, in the same orderly fashion that Seokjin likes.
The next morning, Seokjin will wake up early to finish washing the dishes before class, and he will see everything already cleaned and arranged. And he will smile and his he will feel a little bit better, and he will go back to bed for an extra hour of sleep before he has to leave for class.
And that evening, when Yoongi comes home, Seokjin will offer to take him and Hoseok and Jimin and Namjoon and Taehyung out for Lamb Skewers, and Yoongi will smile.
And on the way back from the restaraunt, Yoongi will tell the others to go on without him.
He will take a detour and return to the lake, and sit there for another half an hour, just taking it all in.
***
The holidays come and go. Jimin and his family travel back to Busan to see Jimin's grandparents and old friends. Taehyung and Yoongi take the train back to Daegu together. Namjoon's family is not in town for the holidays, because his little sister has to travel elsewhere to write an exam, so he went to Gwanju with Hoseok instead.
And then, of course, Seokjin accompanied his family on a trip to France, which the other boys were quite envious of.
"I don't get it." Yoongi grumbles, "If they can take you to France, surely they won't mind paying for our dishwasher repair?"
"They already pay half the rent for this apartment, Yoongi. We're not even splitting the full cost between the two of us- we each pay half of half, and my parents pay for the rest." Seokjin points out.
Yoongi scowls, but he doesn't argue, because Seokjin is right.
The older boy smiles at his expression, "Come on, cheer up. Winter is finally over- I saw a flower today, the proper bright kind. Spring is really coming now."
"Hey, hyung, if winter is over, does that mean you'll go back to the studio?" Jimin asks, "You said it was the dull weather that was keeping you from working on your mixtape, right? Well, it's almost all gone! The sun is out today."
"Aish, kid, it wan't only the weather." Yoongi snaps, "It was the weather and the lack of inspiration."
Jimin scoffs, "So, now what? Before it was the dull weather and the lack of inspiration, and now it's just the lack of inspiration?"
"Basically."
"Hyung, it's strange to have to force you to go to the studio and work on music. You never used to leave that place."
"Then don't force me." Yoongi shrugs carelessly, "Everything has it's own time."
"Yes, but you haven't done anything recently." Jimin argues, "Taehyung said you spent most of your holiday just sitting in your parents' house and playing with Holly. You didn't even go to the Christmas Musicals with him."
"I don't like Christmas musicals, Jimin, and Taehyung knows that."
"But you went back to your home town! Didn't you find some inspiration?"
"Nope."
"Don't try." Seokjin advises the younger boy, "It won't work."
"But." Jimin adamantly turns back to Yoongi, "But hyung- don't you miss it?"
"If I missed it, wouldn't I be at the studio now?" Yoongi bites back, but Jimin hold his ground.
"That's not what I mean. I mean- don't you miss the feeling of wanting to do something?"
Yoongi's throat dries up. Jimin doesn't look triumphant. Instead, he looks a little guilty, shrinking back as he sees Yoongi's reaction.
Seokjin bites his lip, "It's not that easy, though, Jimin-ah."
"I know that." Jimin looks a bit ashamed, "I'm sorry, hyung, I went too far."
Yoongi tries to smile, "It's fine, you're kind of right, anyway. Of course I do miss that feeling, but it's not easy to get it back. I mean, even a trip to my hometown couldn't get the wheels turning."
"The wheels could be broken." Jimin says anxiously, and Seokjin laughs.
"I don't think so, Jimin. Yoongi will work it out himself, won't you?" the older gazes heavily at him.
Yoongi shrugs, "I guess."
The doorbell rings, and Jimin checks his watch, "It might be Tae, I told him I'd be here. We're going with Baekhyun and Jeonghan to the movies."
As he disappears, Seokin turns to look heavily at Yoongi.
"It's possible that you will find inspiration if you look for it, Yoongi."
"Things like inspiration is meant to hit you when you're not looking for it."
"Things won't work out unless you try."
Yoongi turns away, "I am trying."
"No, you're not, Yoongi. You went back to Daegu for a week, and yet all you did was hole yourself up in your bedroom at your parents' house. Then why did you even go? What's the difference between being there and here?"
"I don't know, the vibe?"
"And that vibe didn't inspire you to do anything?" Seokjin demands, "I'm not only talking about music or photography- I'm just talking about the way you are. The 'vibe' didn't inspire you to at least, make an effort?"
"An effort to do what?" Yoongi hisses.
"I don't know, maybe an effort to try something new, or at least work hard at your classes if your mixtape doesn't interest you!" Seokjin runs a hand through his hair, "Yoongi, right now, you're just there. You're not doing anything for yourself. This isn't good for you, and all of us are worried. So at least try to spend some of those hours in which you do absolutly nothing to think about what is going on and how you can fix it." the older boy looks Yoongi straight in the eye, "I won't say it another time tonight- we are all worried about you, Yoongi. We want you to be happy again. And unless you really try, that's not going to happen."
With that, Seokjin turns around and walk out of the room, and Yoongi is left feeling frustrated, and yet slightly ashamed of himself.