Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He supposed Mika had been looking for him for quite a while now. As he heard the footfall leading up to his room speed up, he knew he had been found.

Shu had spent the last hour and a half huddled in his room, back pressed against his bed's headboard and arms around his knees, vacantly staring at the Valkyrie concept sketches lining the right wall of his room. The ceiling light was off and the shades closed, but a bright Victorian styled lamp illuminated most of the room, casting deep shadows on the far side. Mademoiselle sat primly on his dresser, already in her nightgown, little schoolclothes hung up neatly beside her. Today had been far too much for him: far too many people calling his name, far too many people poking fun at his expense, far too many people shouting during lunch hours, far too many people - chattering, insolent, frivolous people - in general.

It had worked him up so much that when time came for school to be over and practice to begin, Shu left the school entirely, grabbing his shoes on the way out and starting his way back home. He rarely, if ever, skipped practice, but if ever there was a day to do it...

Perhaps if he'd had the fortitude of his peers, a day like this wouldn't have felt so overwhelming, Shu thought again for the nth time this hour. Nothing too terrible had even happened, he supposed, except for the concoction of sounds and thoughts and feelings built up over the day scraping harshly on his tender sense of well-being. But for people like Shu, days such as these were inevitable, try as he might to prove otherwise. Time and again, he was reminded. Good days were a limited commodity.

"....Oshi-san." Mika rounded the corner into his room, eyes wide. Shu rubbed his arms, looking out into the hallway.

A look of plain relief passed over Mika's features upon finding Shu unharmed on his bed. A ping of guilt went off in Shu's chest, but he didn't move.

Mika's voice was soaked in relief. "I was lookin' for ya Oshi-san! I got real worried when ya didn't show up for practice. I musta turned the whole school upside down searchin," Mika's foot hovered in the air, wanting to enter but knowing better than to go past the doorframe without explicit permission. Peering in and registering the hunched over huddle on the bed, he momentarily seemed to forget that rule, taking a step forward.

"....Are you alright?" Mika said, a little quieter.

"Yes I'm....I'm quite all right, thank you." Shu fibbed, eyes warning him not to come any closer. He was not in the mood to deal with inquisitive unit-mates' pokings and proddings. He adjusted the thin blanket that was draped over his shoulders. He was quite frankly not in the mood for anyone or anything.

Mika seemed to remember his manners and stepped back into the doorway. "Can I come in, Oshi-san?"

Shu studied Mika, whose hand was resting anxiously on the doorframe, as if anchoring his body from floating over to Shu. It was true he was not in the mood to deal with another soul anywhere near him, but somehow Mika felt like an exception to that rule. Besides, he felt bad for skipping practice without even notifying Mika. It was a thoughtless mistake, and despite the curdling hatred for humanity he was currently tending in his breast, one Mika admittedly did not deserve to have had to deal with today. Shu gave a curt nod and Mika made his way over to the bed, sitting on the edge and angling his torso so he faced Shu's avoidant gaze.

"D'ya wanna talk about it." Mika asked flatly.

Shu turned up his nose. "Not in the slightest."

Mika looked down at his hands to study them for a bit. Silence hung heavy between them. He pulled his white-socked feet up onto the bed and sat into a sloppy seiza.

"M'just...gonna..."

Mika ever so hesitantly reached a hand out towards him, as if giving him time to swat it away if he wanted. Shu didn't react, so Mika's warm, slightly sweaty hand landed on the bony knotch of Shu's right shoulder. He used his thumb to make slow, comforting sweeps across Shu's skin.

Shu stared back at him with an almost disapproving look, but didn't say anything. He sighed quietly and looked at the bedsheets when Mika began searching his eyes, probing.

Mika began quietly, almost under his breath. "Well I know ya don't wanna talk right now and I'll respect that just like ya want but...say, Oshi-san....can I give ya a hug?"

Shu looked up at that. "Excuse me?"

"Well, Oshi-san jus' looks so sad right now, and I jus' know whenever I'm feelin' bad a hug'll make me feel a lot better no matter what, so..."  Mika explained earnestly. "Ya don't hafta if ya don't wanna."

Shu wasn't sure how to respond. Half of him wanted to blow back an angry retort -- well of course he didn't have to, on what earth could Mika ever force him into anything, (and where did he get off, anyways, thinking he could offer something as pitiful as a hug to one such as him so boldly, and well, why doesn't he just turn around right now and head back to his room and think for a while about what he's done, hm?)

But another part of him, a part which he usually made great efforts to keep quiet from day-to-day, perked up its little ears at the offer. A hug, you say?

"Uhh, w-huh?" Shu responded eloquently.

Shu scrambled to recover, raising his eyebrows with a cursory glance at the ceiling. He huffed a sigh that was just a little too forceful. "Well....if that's what you desire...I suppose I wouldn't be too put out by it." Shu sniffed, looking at Mika over the bridge of his nose.

Mika looked overjoyed. "Oh, Oshi-san, you won't regret it. Naru-chan says I give the best hugs." he confessed, eyes sparkling.

Shu thought Mika would just dive right in, but he hesitated for a long moment before moving. Finally, he crawled forward a little towards him and then, hesitating again, assessed the situation with pursed lips. Shu frowned.

"Uh....Oshi-san. I can't hug ya like that, when yer in that position, ya know."

Oh. Of course. Shu's knees were still pressed up into his chest, arms circled protectively around them. Shu changed his position, bringing his knees onto the sheets and sitting on top of his heels.

Mika crawled forward again, scooting his knees behind him as he inched awkwardly closer to Shu. Seemingly realizing that closing the gap over their knees from the front would be too much distance, he scooted over to Shu's side and approached that way. He was leaning forward oddly, one hand on the bed and one uselessly hovering in front of his chest when he spoke up again.

"Er, maybe we should stand up." Mika said.

"For goodness sake, Kagehira." Shu stood, exhasperated. Mika tripped his way off the bed following him until he stood just a few inches away, looking up excitedly into Shu's eyes.

Then Mika slid his arms slowly around Shu's sides, hands meeting and locking behind Shu's back. Their chests were flush against each other and now Mika rested his head gently against Shu's chest, ostensibly listening to the rapid heartbeat just under his skin.

"Oh God," thought Shu, as sunshine exploded across his body, "How could this possibly feel this good?"

Shu knew he was not the most social of boys. His talent lay in other arenas, arenas with much less uncertainty and doubt. Given ten feet of velvet, Shu could hand stitch a gown with seams so even and clean it'd make a grown woman weep. Difficult? Certainly. Yet it was a learnable, predictable skill.
 
People, on the other hand, were endlessly, relentlessly fickle. The same input did not always get the same results; in fact, the same input would often bring wildly different results for what often seemed like no reason at all. The unspoken and unreasonable rules of socialization were a bane to Shu, and due in part to this reason, he really didn't have many close friends. The friends he did have seemed to know better than to try to touch him or intrude on his personal bubble. Touching for the most part made Shu terrifically uncomfortable, so it was agreeable arrangement. However, when the odd occasion came that a person did brush against his leg, or pat his hand, or toss an arm haphazardly across his shoulders, a shock would buzz through him, all electric.

He guessed the term could possibly be...touch-starved.

And touch, when received in such a manner as this, so close and intimate...it felt good. There was a world of difference between a stranger who didn't understand how personal space works and his unit-mate with whom he shared everything, even his living space. He could trust Mika. When Mika moved his hands to brush up Shu's shoulderblades, he uncontrollably let out a little shiver.

Oh, god. How embarrasing.

Shu made to pull back, trying to hide his body's unwelcome reaction under the guise of movement. Mika unclasped his hands as space was created between them, resting them lightly on Shu's sides. It was as if there were ripples of energy spreading through his body, Mika's hands serving as the origin point, two stones thrown in an otherwise tranquil lake.

Mika only looked up, a question in his eyes.

Shu considered the boy before him for a moment. Mika's twinkling eyes held no judgment, no push to hurry. He was only waiting, only looking at Shu so intently so as to better follow his lead.

The thought of continuing on flickered across his mind. Could he....have this?

He couldn't lie to himself, he wanted more, he desperately wanted more for some unexplainable animal reason, he wanted to be enveloped in the good feeling that radiated from every centimeter of the places their skin touched. But he felt a nameless anxiety at the thought of continuing on past the boundaries of the hug that was initially offered, one he couldn't quite place, but that nagged him from time to time at school, or when leaving unit practice sometimes, or on the grocery line.

Perhaps he could try. It was not as if there was some sort of punishment for attempting, anyhow. Mika was clearly willing, and Shu had lost the last of his useless inhibition in the pools of frustration from today.

Where to start, then? He looked down at Mika, troubled, then brushed a hair back from his eyes. Mika glowed.

Shu wondered what else he could do, in this little skinship experiment. How could he test the waters? It wasn't as if he was well-versed in the intricacies of human contact.

Maybe if he just - what was the phrase - went with the flow? His body might tell him what he needed to do. Shu envisioned himself floating down a river, letting the current take him along wherever it was headed. Much different from his usual method of paddling furiously against the current, fighting desperately for some semblance of control. Yes, that seemed right. Just do what comes natural.

This time Shu brought his hand up, stroking with a fingernail down the sleeve of Mika's black undershirt. He deliberately watched his own hand, too shy to look up, but from the corner of his vision he could still see Mika quietly breathing, eyes still transfixed on Shu's.

When his finger reached the hem of Mika's sleeve, Shu slowly brought his eyes to meet Mika's.

Mika's smile was small, but as warm and inviting as the golden-lit window of a little cottage in the middle of a blizzard. How brilliant, thought Shu. That one's just for me, isn't it? On a whim, he cupped Mika's cheek in his hand. Mika nuzzled into the contact.

Shu was seeing stars. He let his forehead drop onto Mika's shoulder, and Mika began carding through his hair with his fingers. His eyes fluttered shut. The sensation was nothing like running his own hand through his hair, he noted, quivering. It was ten - no, a hundred times more pleasant. Every time Mika brought his hand up to brush through it again, Shu fell another layer deeper into the melty feeling between them. "Don't stop," he wanted to say, but didn't. Mika wasn't stopping anyhow. He heaved a deep sigh.

Absolutely intoxicating. Why didn't he do this all the time?

Shu's fingers curled delicately into the white cotton covering Mika's back, a fuzzy feeling settling over his head. It would be okay, Shu thought, if he could stay like this forever. His lips were parted slightly and he let out hot, steady breaths onto Mika's neck. Mika's left hand was migrating back to his shoulderblade, that magical place, slightly tender, which touching before had caused warm shivers to go up and down his back. Unthinking, he nosed further into Mika's neck and Mika jumped, causing them both to start back from each other.

As they stared at each other, startled, Shu suddenly snapped from his hazy comfortable space back to reality.

Oh my god. What had he been doing? What was that?

Mika laughed a little nervously. "M'sorry Oshi-san, it was jus' a lil' ticklish." He scratched his neck at the place where Shu's lips had nearly touched.

Shu coughed and straightened up. "It's quite all right. Thank you Kagehira, that will be all."

Mika seemed confused for a moment, but then quickly brightened up. "Seems like it worked, huh!  I'll get goin' then I guess." With a cheerful wave Mika quickly excused himself from Shu's room.

Shu watched him go, jaw tight. When he was gone, Shu turned away from the doorway, placing a hand on his dresser and staring down at Mademoiselle's smiling face with wide eyes. "Oh, Mademoiselle," he breathed out, "what have I gotten myself into?"

Chapter Text

They trudged to school together through the lingering chill that had settled in overnight.

It had been nearly a week since Mika had thought it wise to wrap his arms around him in consolation, and Shu for the life of him could not stop thinking about it. The warm slide of skin on skin was fresh on his mind constantly. No matter how much he reasoned it out, he couldn't understand how could something like that could feel so safe and so exciting at the same time.

Shu wanted to try it again more than anything.

But in addition to the fantastic creativity he cultivated in his head and considered a point of pride, Shu was also pragmatic, and he knew better, so instead he contented himself with attempting to repress the memories and mourning over his poor propects for future contact. After all, nothing important had changed. He was still wholly unapproachable and cold. He still flinched away from touch on instinct. He was still Itsuki Shu, still himself despite the recent unseemly cravings for intimacy he'd been experiencing lately.

They set out together, wrapped in twin overcoats. As they fell into step, Shu's concentration drifted sideways. Beside him, Mika's eyes were boring a hole in the ground just in front of his feet, shoes scuffing against the sidewalk clumsily. The nail of his middle finger was being viciously worked over by white teeth.

Shu grimaced, bracing for a conversation. Clearly there was something wrong. He decided to wait for Mika to bring it up as they trudged through the misty roads in silence.

They passed the halfway point to school, then the three-quarters mark, and even a little further than that, but Mika still hadn't said anything, and the finger he was chewing on had started to turn red.

Annoyance flared in Shu. Surely Mika didn't really believe he could hide anything from him. Honestly, the boy was criminally transparent.

Mika was so deep in his reverie that he started frightedly when Shu spoke up in an exhasperated tone.

"If you have something to say, out with it," Shu snapped.

Mika sheepishly removed the fingers from his mouth and slowed to a stop, turning to face Shu. Shu quirked an eyebrow and mirrored him.

"Ya haven't done maintenance on me in a while, is there somethin' wrong with me?" Mika rushed in the space of a breath. His voice was pitched low enough that it was almost swallowed up by the brisk morning air.

Shu stared back, troubled. The answer was of course, 'certainly not'. In truth, the reason was entirely internal - the thought of doing maintenance on Mika as of late stirred a strange fear and excitement in Shu that he couldn't quite account for, so he'd been putting it off till he could manage to shake the feeling, or at least put a word to it. It was a sense of propriety in Shu, or perhaps responsibility, that stilled his hand when he went to call Mika over for maintenance. No, there was nothing wrong with Mika at all.

It was he, the walking contradiction, who had something wrong with him. The man of stone who repelled all contact, desperately wishing for someone to take him up in their arms. Pathetic.

"You're in top condition. You have no reason to worry," Shu told him. "But do stop biting your nails," he added after a moment.

Mika let out a breath he was holding and grinned brightly.

They resumed walking.

"That's a relief, I thought I'd done somethin' really bad 'ta make you hate me." Shu watched as Mika relaxed back into his usual self, limbs loosening with each step.

"Nonsense," he replied, but in his distraction the word came out lacking power. Shu turned his head to face straight forward, but continued to look at Mika out of the corner of his eye.

If he offered a hug right now, would that be strange?

He mentally slapped himself. Incredibly unhelpful. Now was such an inappropriate time.

Shu considered his options as they took a turn into the school grounds. He needed to get this out of his system, to clear the air between Mika and himself. Despite his convictions not ten minutes before, inaction was not an option if that exchange just now was anything to go by, thought Shu with pursed lips. Mika knew when something was wrong between them, regardless of how clueless he sometimes acted. The boy was sensitive to Shu's changes, the way no one else was.

Mika was also unlikely to offer another hug again on his own. The moment they had shared had seemed more like an anomoly than the beginning of a new trend, as it were. The way things were going, the only possibility Shu was going to get a hug in the next century was if he tripped face-forward into someone's open arms in some kind of freak accident.

He fantasized for a brief moment before dismissing the idea.

Shu grimaced. There was one remaining option. It was time for him to take some action.

Perhaps, he thought as he gritted his teeth, it would not be so bad. Other people hugged all the time, or so he assumed. Maybe - just for the sake of his sanity - Shu could try to become one of those people. The kind of touchy person who never second-guessed whether he was wanted or not in another person's bubble. A natural.

An image of himself lying draped over his classmates in the manner of Ritsu Sakuma, as comfortably as if he was in his own bed, suddenly flashed across his mind. He chuckled despite himself. Impossible.

Shu hitched his school bag further up his shoulder. So not that, but maybe something else. If the conditions were right, and there was no one around to watch him...he could try a direct approach, one befitting a man of his amour-propre. It might just work.

He waited until the last possible moment, when they split up to go to their separate classrooms.

"Ah, yes. Kagehira." Shu called after him offhandedly. Mika turned back to face him.
Suddenly faced with Mika's expectant gaze, Shu broke out into a sweat.

What's wrong with you? You've never been unnerved by him before.

"See me after lunch, won't you? In the courtyard. I have something I would like to discuss." Despite his carefully composed features his heart thudded wildly in his chest, and his palms slicked with sweat. Shu stretched out his fingers, resisting the urge to bolt.

Mika didn't comment on the vagueness of his request or its stilted, nervous delivery. "Sure thing. I'll see ya!" He waved a hand and turned into his classroom with a flash of black hair.

Shu watched him disappear, then spun around to stride into his own classroom, feeling utterly unprepared to focus on anything for the next four and half hours that required any more concentration than the standard goldfish. He resigned himself to copying notes from the least terrible option available, which at the moment was Sena, and settled in to overthink in great detail every second he had lived up until now starting from the moment he was born.

"Eh? You can't do that yourself?" Izumi was sneering at Shu from the seat diagonal to his. He turned back around with a muttered complaint, but pulled out another piece of paper nevertheless. "What are you, braindead?"

"Ah, well. Yes." Shu said under his breath, fixing his chin on his knuckles and looking out the window. His fingers drummed on the plastic desk top. "I suppose."

_______________________________

It was time.

Shu stood outside in the courtyard with crossed arms, tapping a foot impatiently on the bricked walkway. Mika was late. As it was, there would not be much time before their next class started. Shu was starting to regret this plan of action.

But before he could make up his mind to call the whole thing off, Mika's head poked out of the classroom building, and he was making his way over to Shu in an abandoned edge of the courtyard.

Shu's heartbeat stuttered in his chest. There he is. No backing out now.

Mika arrived in front of Shu, looking around at their surroundings as if searching for some clue why he was here. "Yeah, Oshi-san?" he said, eyes finally settling on Shu.

Seeing Mika in front of him like this, a perfect mirror of that day, induced a dizzy double-vision in him. Suddenly all the plans and strategies and pride-saving fantasy scenarios Shu had dreamed up over the past week seemed far away. There was only a hurt, a nail that worried at his heart. Shu almost clutched his chest it hurt so bad.

Please, thought Shu. Please touch me.

Mika looked up.

"Are ya feelin' well?" Mika asked.

"Yes," Shu started, then stopped, leaving the word hanging in the air.

"I'm doing just fine," Shu continued.

Shu's chest rose with a deep breath as he steadied himself for his next words. Mika waited patiently, breathing through his mouth.

"Last time...was.....not terrible," Shu lifted his nose haughtily out of habit, gathering his willpower midsentence to force out the rest of the thought. "So I thought perhaps -- again." Shu fumbled brokenly.

It occurred to Shu belatedly that it wasn't likely obvious what he was referring to without context, but he absolutely was not going to explain it now. He stiffened, features hardening.

Luckily Mika seemed to pick it up quickly. Mika's face clouded a little as he studied him. He licked his lips.

"Ya just....wanna hug?" Mika paused. "Fer no reason?" He scratched his head. "That's what ya called me out here for?"

Shu pursed his lips. "Perhaps my technique is not up to standard," Shu finally admitted.

Mika spoke up then. "Thats not true, ya give great hugs." He still looked like he was trying to decipher what was going on, like Shu was hiding the true purpose of this meeting for him to figure out.

Shu's eyebrows furrowed in suspicion. Certainly that wasn't true. He'd had very little practice, and he had barely done anything. He hadn't even really used his arms.

"Well, if that's all ya want, of course I'll hug ya again. Ya don't need any special reason fer hugs."

Shu paused at that. He didn't?

There was none of the awkward pre-hug fumbling and tension like the previous time. Mika walked towards Shu before simply moving to wrap his arms around him.

Ah, it's happening. Shu thought. It's happening, it's happening.

Shu felt his breath go out of him all at once.

The feeling was so overwhelming it was nearly frightening. Instead of cooling the feelings he'd been desperately fighting for days, it inflamed them, sending rapid missives of touch - touch - touch straight to the forefront of Shu's brain.

This time Shu brought his hands up, hesitantly, to glide up Mika's own back. Mika tucked his body closer. Shu felt heat curling up his belly.

Oh, shit.

Anxiety came slamming into him headfirst.

It was over too soon.

The hug was shorter than last time, and it had none of the extra flourishes. It was a simple embrace, nothing more or less.

Of course. They were still at school, Shu thought with a flush.

"Is'sat better?" Mika pulled back and gave a warm smile, surreptitiously wiping his sweaty palms on his uniform slacks.

Shu stared back. He nodded numbly.

A flicker of doubt passed across Mika's face. "A-are ya alright, Oshi-san?"

Shu extracted himself carefully from Mika's hold and grabbed at his bag. He slung it over his shoulder. He quickly excused himself, feeling Mika's eyes boring into him as he sped back through the school doors.

This is wrong, this is all wrong, Shu thought. He had only made it worse. Shu fought back tears as he fumbled in his bag, hands shaking, for Mademoiselle. He held her close, pinching his eyelids closed.

One thought skittered wildly back and forth across his mind.

When Kagehira finds out he will hate me, and then he will leave me, and then I will finally be truly alone.