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Dear Control Freak. I will talk to you when I want to talk to you. Until then, have a nice life hurting the people you love.
The backlight of Nicole’s phone felt like a heat lamp, her face aflame, redness rushing to her cheeks. Waverly’s words cut into her deeper than she cared to admit, a text sent out of anger shouldn’t have hurt her this way. Shouldn’t have made her lungs feel like they were on fire, her eyes burn, her heart contract with every beat. Breathe Nicole, breathe.
She knew that Waverly was angry with her. That she wouldn’t use such harsh words if she weren’t hurting because of what Nicole had done. What Nicole had done… On some level, she knew that she deserved this.
This wasn’t the first time she had taken the reigns of a situation that wasn’t hers to dictate. With only the best of intentions, she had managed to slip her nose into places it didn’t belong, places that she should never have thought to violate, more times than she cared to admit. Nicole is a fixer, it’s just her nature.
She sees her loved ones hurting and she wants to help. More than that, she wants to protect them from any pain that they might feel in the future. This was the case with Waverly more than anyone else who came before her. She had loved that girl since the moment she laid eyes on her, never wanted anything more than to hold her and protect her. To shield her from any pain.
But trying to do that for her girlfriend had only hurt her. And now she was the one who had caused Waverly pain. And that… That was something that she couldn’t accept. Words from weeks ago rang in Nicole’s head.
“You’re not my sister’s keeper.”
Wynonna was right. Nicole had no control over Waverly. And that was fine, she didn’t want to control her. She just wanted to protect her. But that wasn’t her place either, not behind her girlfriend’s back anyway. Not when it meant keeping secrets from her.
Certainly not when it meant hurting her.
And as much as she hated it, as much as she told herself that it wasn’t true, that it was just the demon talking… Nicole couldn’t help but think of what Mictian had said when possessing Wynonna. Maybe Waverly really did need space. Maybe Nicole was smothering her.
Now more than ever she believed that it was true. She decided that she’d rather take a step back than lose Waverly for good.
So Nicole took a step back.
Waverly noticed.
She noticed how Nicole would gaze after her at the station without attempting to speak to her. She noticed how Nicole stopped texting her apologies every hour on the hour, didn’t reply when Waverly asked if they could talk. Eventually she noticed how Nicole didn’t reply if Waverly said hello to her in the morning. But mostly she noticed how much she missed her, worried that Nicole had gotten tired of waiting for Waverly’s forgiveness. But Waverly was too mad, too stubborn to end this charade they had fallen into.
And then Nicole almost died.
Nicole almost died thinking that Waverly hated her. She almost died without Waverly knowing if they would have ever been okay again. Nicole almost died without Waverly ever having told her that she loves her.
And God, how she loves her. Every part of her loves Nicole, every part of Nicole. Her flaws, her overprotective tendencies, her infuriating little smirk when she’s pretending to be coy.
Waverly Earp loves Nicole Haught and she does so fiercely.
And it’s that thought, a thought that she has in a hospital room with her entire heart lying in a bed unconscious, that makes Waverly realize why Nicole had done what she did. She was trying to protect her. Misguided and invasive? Maybe. Probably. But would Waverly have done anything differently if the roles were reversed? Maybe not.
She would do anything to keep Nicole happy, to keep her safe.
She would do anything to keep Nicole alive.
And then she betrayed Wynonna to save Nicole. And the witch cursed them, made her sister disappear. And she forgot.
In a twisted alternate world, she forgot her love for her sister and she forgot her love for Nicole. They could have been blown up in a barn in a world where she didn’t know that she was in love with Nicole until it was too late. In a world where they were drawn to each other but kept at arm’s length. A world where they were no less in love but so much less together. And now Waverly aches.
With so much weighing on her mind, she needs her girlfriend. She needs to still have Nicole as her girlfriend. To hold her and talk to her and God, if they make it through this fight she will never freeze her out again, she swears it.
“Nicole?”
The redhead takes a deep breath when she heard her girlfriend’s voice sound through the station. It’s happy hour at Shorty’s, Nicole is alone in the office on a slow day. No buffers. No excuses.
They had kissed after the barn explosion, had turned to each other for comfort, for affection, for support during all the craziness that went down with the widows. Had brushed everything under the rug, pretended as if they had moved past it.
But no, no they hadn’t moved past it. And if they both wanted to move forward, and they did they did they did, they had to talk about this… this mess that they had created.
Nicole takes another breath and meets the hazel eyes that she loves so much, so fiercely.
“Waves?”
Waverly makes her way to Nicole’s desk, perches herself on the edge, takes Nicole’s hand. “We’re going to talk about this.”
Nicole squeezes her girlfriend’s hand, her free fingers plucking at her uniform pants. “We’re going to talk about this.”
“You ghosted me. I know, I know that I was being petty and ignoring you but… I didn’t- I was just trying to gather my thoughts. I would have called you but you stopped talking to me when I was here, didn’t reply to my texts. You ghosted me.”
Nicole blanched, “I- No! I didn’t…” Her brow furrows, “Yeah… I guess I did, didn’t I? Shit, Waves. I didn’t mean to. You weren’t answering and Wynonna told me that I should give you space and get a Tinder and I was already being so overprotective and controlling, I didn’t want to smother-”
“Wait wait wait, Wynonna told you what??”
Nicole is quick to backtrack, “No! No no, it wasn’t Wynonna. It was Mictian. I mean… I didn’t know that at the time but it was the demon talking. I just- Wynonna- the real Wynonna- had said something about me not being your keeper. And she was right! She was so right. But when everything went down between us and I read that… the text, it all came back and I…” Nicole sighs, ending her ramble weakly, “I thought that you needed time away from me. And the longer it went on, the worse it got. I was hurt and… I don’t know, Waves. I didn’t know how to reply. I wasn’t ready to talk when you wanted to.”
Waverly shakes her head, eyes locked on the floor, “I never should have sent that text, baby. I was angry and stupid and I wanted to hurt you because I felt betrayed. But that’s no excuse, I hurt you and I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.”
“I deserved it.”
“No!” Waverly meets Nicole’s eyes, “No, you were trying to protect me. And you went about it the wrong way and yes it hurt me but your intentions were good. Me- I was… I was cruel and I wanted to get back at you, I kissed Rosita! Why? Why did I do that?”
“I forgave you for that,” Waverly had mentioned it on the drive to the edge of the triangle. Nicole had been hurt but she knew that there was nothing behind it. And she didn’t really have a place to be angry about it considering her current marital status.
“You shouldn’t!”
“I have a wife.”
Waverly pauses. “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“No, but do you have feelings for Rosita?”
“No! Of course not.”
“And I don’t love Shay.” The implication was there, I don’t love Shay but I love you. I don’t love Shay like I love you. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. She’s said it before. So has Waverly.
But death bed confessions and alternate reality realizations didn’t count for Nicole. And she wasn’t going to push Waverly, never again. This next step had to be Waverly’s to take.
The younger girl nods slowly and then takes Nicole’s other hand, holding them both tightly, holding them against her own chest, her heart. “We can’t do this again Nicole. We need to talk, communicate when things are going wrong. We need to be honest with each other. Always.”
“Always. I promise you, Waverly.” Nicole’s eyes wide, her face showing her vulnerability, letting herself be completely open to her girlfriend.
“Good. Because Nicole, I can’t lose you,” Waverly takes a deep breath. “I felt like I was going to die when you were in that hospital. There was a piece of me missing in that crazy non-reality that we were in, a piece of my heart-”
“Waves you didn’t have Wynonna.”
“Nicole don’t interrupt me when I’m monologuing.” She fixes her girlfriend with a stern look and they grin at each other for a moment before Waverly grows serious again.
“I love my sister with my entire heart, but she doesn’t hold it.” Waverly kisses Nicole’s hands, presses them to her cheek and then her chest again. “You do, Nicole. You have my heart and I trust you with it. I ache when you’re not around, I hurt when you’re in pain, my heart sings in your hands when you’re happy. I-… I love you, Nicole Haught.”
Nicole’s eyes go wide, tears springing up without her permission, “Yeah?”
Waverly lets out a watery laugh, “Yes, baby. I love you. God, I love you so much.”
Nicole bites her lip, releases it, squeezes Waverly’s hands, “I love you too. I have since that first day I met you. I didn’t- I couldn’t explain it- I still can’t. But I’ve loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you, Waverly Earp. Maybe even before then.”
Waverly releases a heavy breath through a light laugh. She slips off the desk and into her girlfriend’s lap, arms tight around her neck, Nicole’s wrapping around Waverly’s waist. Their lips meet, soft and slow, just feeling each other, reminding themselves that they’re okay again.
The brunette breaks the kiss after a short time, their foreheads coming together, eyes closed. “I never want to fight with you again.”
Nicole smiles, “Girlfriends fight all the time baby, it’s normal.”
Waverly’s forehead scrunches up. Nicole can’t see it but she feels it. “Ummm it’s kind of the worst.” There’s a smirk in her voice and Nicole knows that her girlfriend is remembering the same moment that she is.
Nicole lets out a light chuckle, breath ghosting across her love’s lips, her head nodding just slightly. She tightens her arms around the smaller girl and drops her head to her shoulder, letting a kiss press against Waverly’s neck, “It’s totally the worst.”