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"Like, I have a question, Gideon," Jace said, scratching his scruffy beard. "Why do we, like, use the Weatherlight to travel even though we can already planeswalk?"
"Oh, that's easy, Jace," Gideon said, his manmeat barely contained by his armor. "It's a symbol of our enduring quest for justice."
Jace nodded. He figured it was some boring shit like that. He could've just read Gideon's mind to find the answer but whenever he tried he fell asleep reading about heroism and sacrifice and justice. Gideon was a lame-o.
"Rery inspiring," nodded Ajani, Jace's (surprisingly scrawny) only friend and fellow Planeswalker. Jace rolled his eyes.
Why the fuck did he even decide to join the Gatewatch? Gideon's secret club was fucking stupid. And he hated all the flowers he'd decorated the Weatherlight with too.
The answer came strutting next to Gideon. A pair of long legs and a sultry smile did nothing to sway the Gatewatch leader's gaze. Jace snorted - Gideon was probably gay.
But Liliana was the only girl Jace ever truly loved, and he thought they had a special, unique relationship.
She caught him staring at her cleavage and tried not to shiver. Dear Karona, you pity-fucked a guy once and he got so clingy. He was probably probing her mind right now - oh shit, he was.
Jace winked. "Like, I know you want me, babe."
Liliana thought very hard about castrating Jace with a Sword of War and Peace. Jace clicked his teeth. He loved girls that played hard to get.
"Stop flirting, you two," said Gideon, still staring into the Blind Eternities. "We're almost at the Shards."
"Jinkies! These Bant fellows sure are lame!" Chandra said, rolling her eyes. It made her feel, like, whatever man.
Ajani remembered his only other friend Elspeth, who'd tragically been killed off on one of their adventures. "Ran't rait until Rizards revives er. Re refinitely reed rore Ranesralkers in Randard retagame," he growled, voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Like, what was that, Ajani?" said Jace, whose Planeswalker cards all saw heavy play.
"Nothin'."
Jace's loyalty counters went up by 2. "That's, like, what I thought."
On Esper, Jace decided to voice his doubts about their tour guide.
"Like, that Tezzeret guy looks pretty fishy to me, right Ajani?"
"What rakes you ray rhat, Race?" Ajani growled.
Jace coughed. "I can't, like, read his mind. Also y'know he has, like, glowing red energy and a metal claw for a hand."
"Hory profiring, Race!"
After a long dramatic battle, the Gatewatch had finally subdued Progenitus and stopped the Conflux. The hydra lay tied down on the ground - he apparently didn't have protection from rope.
Chandra took off the cosmic reptilian monstrosity's head to reveal...another cosmic reptilian monstrosity.
"Nicol Bolas!?" the Gatewatch cried in unison.
"Zoinks!" Jace said.
"That's right!" Gideon pounded his fist against his palm. "He must've been pretending to be Progenitus to orchestrate the Conflux!"
"But why?" said Chandra, dropping the hydra mask.
Liliana stomped her foot. "He must've been planning to use the massive energy to become a pre-Mending Planeswalker again!"
"And I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids..." the dragon growled, snarling at Ajani. "...and your stupid leonin too!"