Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lance has always loved language.

Growing up, he bounced between English at school and Spanish at home, and he was always popular in grade school when he taught all the kids Spanish swears. He loved that every language had its own way of expressing things and structure. When he began to learn to read music and play, he loved that language too. He was never one for reading, really, but there were some pieces that had really stuck with him and left him wishing he had brought them into space to read on a sleepless night.

In short, Lance loves to talk. It’s a bonus when he can do it twice as much in different languages. So, when Coran offered to teach Lance some Altean, Lance was bouncing off the walls in excitement. He had been a little bit jealous when Pidge and Hunk attempted to learn it, but Lance is ever happier since Coran is teaching him directly himself. Given, the man is a little eccentric, but Lance always found it better to learn from a native speaker than from a textbook or, God bless them, Coran’s training videos.

Lance skips down the hall, the aftertaste of food goo in his mouth even after an attempt to brush the bitter taste out, tablet, given to him by Coran for the lessons, tucked under his arm and whistling and cheery tune. The halls were empty and quiet, but that was normal during this time in the castle on an off day. The paladins are often off doing their own thing. Hunk’s in the kitchen, experimenting with a few strange plants he and Lance had harvested during a mission, Keith and Shiro are busting ass in the training room, Pidge’s hunched over a computer screen, and Allura’s working on arranging a few diplomatic meetings. Lance usually bounces between each person, including Coran, but this time he’s joining his favorite space uncle to learn an alien language. Which is cool as hell, might Lance add.

Coran’s already in the lounge, flicking at a tablet in his hands, reclined on the couch. He notices Lance as soon as he takes a step into the room and meets his eyes, smiles and eyes creasing in the corners. Lance smiles back just as brightly and settles in next to Coran.

“’Ello, my boy!” Coran greets cheerfully. He digs around in his butt pocket for a second before pulling something out. “You look all pippered and ready to go!”

“You know it! I can’t wait to insult Keith in Altean.” Lance accepts the small, metal device Coran hands him with only eyeing it warily for a little bit. Coran only shakes his head at Lance’s comment.

“Now, Lance, you know he’ll be able to understand you most of the time,” Coran reprimands, but leans in to whisper. “But he can’t understand if you’re far enough from the castle or your lions with his helmet off.”

Lance laughs. “Good to know, thanks.”

“Now!” Coran twirls his mustache with one hand and holds up the device with the other. “This little doowhackle will temporarily disrupt the signals the castle, as well as the lions, emit that allow you to understand Altean currently. It will also do the same to me with your little Earthly language.” Coran places the plug into his ear, motioning for Lance to do the same. “The little blue button on the side is the switch. Click it and you won’t be able to understand me. Try it!” Coran gestures giddily, anxious to teach his student. Why, he hasn’t taught Altean to anyone since Allura was a child! He’s sure to enjoy this.

Lance does as instructed, gently pressing the button on the side. The disrupter flashes blue and Lance’s ear rings for a minute before returning to normal. He turns to Coran expectedly.

Coran’s mouth moves, but Lance can only hear sounds. They don’t form English (or when he’s sleepy, Spanish) words like usual, which usually makes Allura and Coran looks like they’re in a really bad dub. Coran takes Lance’s confusion for success, and gestures for him to turn the disrupter off.

When Lance clicks the button again, Coran is still talking and the noises turn back into English. “Isn’t that just the greatest thing you’ve ever seen? It is for me, ever since the Pinintakawey was made way back when.” Coran babbles on. “Sometimes, when we go to one of the silly get-togethers at other planets, I’ll pop one of these babies in so I don’t have to listen to mindless alien chatter!”

Lance sputters. “That’s why you always look so lost!” That was, admittedly, an amazing idea, but also probably the reason why Allura won’t let Coran speak much at diplomatic meetings. 

“Sure is!” Coran laughs. He really does remind Lance of his uncle back on Earth. “Works like a charm, though. Now, on to what you’ve been waiting for. I haven’t taught Altean in  a fair while, but I’m quite an excellent teacher! Allura knows what she does from me, you know. So you have nothing to worry about, my boy!” Coran claps Lance on the shoulder.

“Now, one little drawback. Your human ears cannot quite decipher some sounds of the Altean alphabet. Your ear structure is much like that of an Altean child, so I will teach you verbally the same I would an Altean child. Do not take offense to that! Altean children are very smart, and besides, you’ll be able to read Altean like a prince in no time!”

Lance beams. “Sounds great, Coran. Thanks again for doing this.”

“It’s no problem!” Coran exclaims. He gestures to the disrupter. “Every time I do this, please switch the disrupter. It’s not very convenient to be switching like that and all, but I’m afraid it’ll have to do. As you learn Altean, the translator in the castle and lions will stop working for the Altean words you know, and you’ll hear them as is. You won’t need to switch as much the more you improve!

“Now, let’s get started!” Coran pulls up a document on his tablet, covered in curling lines and dots that Lance vaguely recognizes as Altean characters, and motions for Lance to do the same. Lance takes a deep breath and readies himself.

-

By the time the pair are finished, it’s nearly dinner time. Lance’s tongue feels heavy and his ear is a little sore from the disrupter, but he’s on cloud nine. Lance had gotten through the basic alphabet pretty easily. The Altean alphabet is different from English or Spanish. Similarly, each of the 46 characters each have a different sound to them, and they can be combined to make minor words, but usually things like names or nouns are switched out with responding characters. Coran explained that you could spell the words out using the alphabet characters that have a similar phonetic sound as the word, but it’s more easily understood with its own.

Writing Altean is a little bit more difficult, understandably. Lance had managed to memorize the first half of the alphabet before his hand began to cramp from writing it so much, so Coran just stuck to vocal memorization for now. They even went over a few common Altean phrases at the end, like greetings and goodbyes.

They arrive to dinner earlier than the others, so Lance is able to sneak a bite of what Hunk prepared earlier- which tastes like pineapples and gym socks- and all the good goo and settle down at the table before anyone else comes in. The paladins exchange hellos and smiles and they settle into their seats. Allura’s the last to come in, hair a bit frayed and eyes a little heavy. The mice trail behind her dress.

When the princess settles in her seat, she greets the paladins. Lance is ecstatic to find that it isn’t translated and ignores Hunk’s strange look. “Avrai,” Lance greets Allura back. She seems to wake up then, blue eyes widening in surprise and Coran smiling approvingly.

“Lance, where did you learn that?” The other paladins look at Lance, confused. They can’t tell he said anything in Altean because the translator is still working for them, but Lance basks in the satisfaction anyway.

“Coran’s giving me Altean lessons! Ikrai muyav dabysh eid caahd.” Lance smirks, leaning across the table.

Allura blinks. “You...need to go to the bathroom? You don’t need to tell me that, Lance.”

Lance blushes. “Coran told me that was an Altean pick up line,” he accuses. Allura and Coran share a glance before laughing. The paladins try to laugh too, but they’re too confused to really give anything more than a forced chuckle.

“I truly do think it’s great you’re learning Altean, Lance.” Allura praises. “I enjoy the idea of keeping our language alive.”

Lance grins in response and ignores the pointed glare Keith sends him from his seat next to him.

-

After dinner, Keith stops Lance in the hallway before he can open the door to his room and start his nightly routine.

“Do you really think that’ll work?” Keith snaps.

“Uh,” Lance’s hand hovers over the lock. “Yes? It’s my door. I use it like, everyday. And most conversations start with ‘hello’, Keith.”

Keith scowls and it makes Lance frown. They’d finally started to become friends, and Lance was in a good mood today, what could Keith possibly be angry about? “That whole Altean thing. You really think that’ll impress Allura?”

Lance’s eyebrows shoot into his hairline. That’s a curveball he didn’t see coming. Lance doesn’t really think of Allura that way anymore. She’s a good friend and leader. Plus, she’s an awesome pilot in Blue. Lance really can’t see her as anything but a sister, and he’s not really into incest, so. Though, he ended up saying “It looked like she was impressed at dinner,” instead, just because Lance can’t really think clear around Keith.

Keith’s gloves creak when he tightens his fists. “You’re so stupid, Lance. You know she’ll never like you, right?”

And yes, Lance is pretty aware of that and he’s accepted it because it’s not unusual, but the insult strikes a chord in Lance. He crosses his arms and narrows his eyes at Keith. “If anyone’s the idiot here, it’s you,” Lance spits. He’s suddenly reminded of the first couple months on the castle, of their petty fights. Lance really knows he should stop now, because once he starts, he never stops, but no one is here except the asshole trying to bother him right now. “because I’m not trying to impress Allura, thanks. Have you ever considered there’s a little bit more to me than just flirting? Because, okay, yeah, that’s fun and all, but I actually really enjoy talking and learning an alien language and learning even more insults I can call you is one hundred times better than telling a pretty girl what she already knows and have it go nowhere, Keith.” By the time Lance actually takes a breath, Keith’s hands are straight to his sides and his eyes are wide. The color’s drained from his face and he’s gnawing on his lips, but he doesn’t say anything so Lance keeps going.

“Just because you have a crush on Allura doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to talk to her man. And why does it even matter if she’s impressed that I’m learning Altean? She’s not impressed with me any other time, so let me have this, Keith. Just this one. little. thing.” Lance is hysterical by the time his brain catches up with his mouth and he shuts up. Keith still looks like he’s just seen Coran naked. “Uh, I’m going to bed now.”

Lance hastily unlocks the door and falls inside his room. He waits until the door closes before he locks it and leans up against the door, counting the seconds before he hears Keith’s footsteps. He heaves a sigh when he hears the receding stomps fade away and starts for the bathroom, grabbing Pidge’s headphones on the way. Before he can go in, someone pounds at his door.

Lance freezes but doesn’t answer. The banging only continues. “Come on, Lance. It’s Keith.” Lance rolls his eyes. No shit, Sherlock. He’s not going to open the door. The conversation is obviously over, and Lance suspects Keith went back to his room to grab his knife. The knocking stops, so Lance presses an ear against the door.

“Fine,” Keith’s voice is muffled through the metal. “I know you’re listening. Be like that. It’s easier to apologize if I don’t have to look at your stupid face-“

Keith coughs.

“-Uh, sorry. I’m trying to say that I’m not good with words. Obviously. Um. Especially when I’m mad or...yeah. Mad.” Keith’s tripping over his words, and Lance vaguely notes that he’s never heard Keith stumble before. “But I just think you should know that I don’t like Allura. Like that. Um. Bye.” And that’s it. Keith stomps off with a half assed apology.

Lance’s ear is still pressed to the door even when Keith’s been gone for five minutes. Even though it was kind of a shit apology, it’s the quickest Keith’s ever apologized to Lance on his own. Also, if he doesn’t like Allura, then why was he so angry that-

Oh. Oh. Holy shit.

Chapter Text

Lance has been ecstatic since his revelation. Absolutely over the moon. This kind of the only happened in his dreams so he must’ve done something absolutely incredible in a past life to deserve such a blessing.

Keith Kogane is actually envious of him! Who would’ve thought? Lane didn’t even know the guy could be jealous at all honestly. He thinks he’s so much better than Lance anyway. Apparently, not so much anymore.

Lance simply cannot comprehend the fact the Keith really is upset over such a trivial thing. Really, what grown adult would upset because someone knows more languages than you? It’s dumb, right? And he’s trusted to defend the universe, pffft.

Well, Keith was destined to fall to Lance’s charm anyway. Who could resist a man of many talents? That’s the one thing Keith can’t do, he bets. The poor kid probably only knows Texan. He’s probably too stupid to learn Altean, unlike Lance, who’s a natural.

Lance just really, really loves the fact that he can rub this in Keith’s face. Even though Keith can’t really tell when he’s speaking Altean because of the translators,  Allura and Coran still praise him on how his Altean’s improving and how he sounds like an Altean himself. That’s enough to set Keith ablaze, thick brows furrowed above the deep set of his narrowed eyes. If Keith hits a little harder during practice later, who cares? It’s totally worth it.

The praises aren’t empty, of course. Lance really has been improving. Coran was a good teacher, past all of his cheeriness and eccentric teaching methods, and Lance was always big on studying. He has the alphabet all memorized- writing and reading it, the whole lot- some simple phrases, some grammar mechanics, and a bit on sentence structure. It’s very fun to shout Altean curses while practicing too. The others understand quiznack quite well, but Altea has a colorful, vast vocabulary that comes in handy in a lot of situations.

When he’s not throwing angry glares Lance’s way whenever he flaunts his talent,  Keith’s really not bad. Even though the two had been getting along before anyway, Lance feels like they’re getting along even better even though Lance constantly pulls at Keith’s pigtails. He never takes the bait and doesn’t confront Lance about it again. They watch movies together, wash Kaltenecker, train, taste test Hunk’s food, and Lance even roped Keith into playing video games with him. Okay, and there’s those very rare and weird things where there’s an anomaly in the timeline and they go to each other for advice and don’t talk about it afterwards. In short, everything’s pretty cool between them when Lance isn’t gloating and raining his glorious triumphs all over Keith’s grumpy ass.

Then the mission happens.

Allura sends Lance and Keith on a mission to collect the gel of a plant native to only one planet that grows in the acidic waste of the humongous, aggressive alien life that resides there. The gel has curative properties that Coran claims will heal Pidge, who has fallen ill after eating at a questionable food stand at an alien market. The entire team was desperate for Pidge’s health, mostly because they had heard Pidge say “I haven’t eaten in two days and I’m somehow still blowing out of both ends,” and also because they’re disturbed by the pus-filled, blistering warts covering every inch of exposed skin on her body. Except for Lance, because he thinks it’s funny. That’s what she gets for pouring space mice puke into his slippers.

The planet, AE5306 is in a desolate solar system and it’s the only one that harbors life. Most life on the planet is carnivorous plant and vibrant, glow-in-the-dark fungi, but there are a few animals that trapeze the swampy, humid terrain of the jungles. The rest of the planet is a barren wasteland where violent storms and volcanic springs obliterate any life that attempts to enter.

The jungles are no better, anyway. Towering trees with leafy, purple tops form a thick canopy, letting very little light touch the bottom. Smaller, creeping plants burrow into the ground and climb the trees’ metallic-like trunks. The centers of the plants in a sweet, syrupy nectar that tempts animals for a drink. The tendrils will close and squeeze the victim, sucking any nutrients out and leaving an empty husk days later, ready for the next meal. Some plants just straight up have teeth, which what the fuck? At least the other ones are like some back on Earth.

The animal residents are not any better. There’s mostly ginormous insects that buzz through the jungle and feed off whatever is smaller or less alive than it is. Then there’s the 20 foot tall creature with thick scales covering the body feeding off plants and cutting down trees with a powerful jaw. Temper like a hair-pin trigger and senses sharper than a knife makes the giant incredibly dangerous. The acidic waste it secretes in community pools is vital for the survival of the plant, both as protection and a main food source.

Let’s just say this mission is less than desirable or nearly as fun as going to a space pharmacy or something would be, but it’s for his friend, so Lance does it.

Plus there’s also the fact that they have to hike into the jungle since the foliage is too dense for their pod to fly through and that gives Lance the perfect opportunity to insult Keith in Altean without him understanding.

Lance grins the entire trip there in anticipation, which causes Keith to cautiously ask “why are you smiling like that?”

Lance wipes the goofy grin of his face quickly. “I wasn’t.”

Lance can see Keith’s eyebrow raise in the reflection of the glass. “Seemed like it to me. Are you excited for the mission?” And then Keith gets the quirk in his lips that’s not quite a smile but makes his cheeks dimples all the same. Lance has come to recognize it as his teasing face. “I don’t know why. You got a thing for wading waist high in alien shit?”

Lance pretends his face doesn’t flame. “No, but I bet you do!”

“How so?” Keith laughs. Lance doesn’t elaborate.

Keith’s fingers fly over the pilot interface and opens a link with Allura, verifying the coordinates for the system. Lance’s gaze drills holes into the back of Keith’s helmet. He’s only a little sour that Keith gets to pilot this time.

Lance whips back and hears his neck pop when Keith suddenly whips the pod into maximum fucking speed for whatever reason without any warning and makes him yelp.

“Sorry, my finger slipped,” Keith says. He’s frowning very hard from where’s he’s trying not to laugh.

“What was that for, you absolute fart-“

“We’re here.”

Lance scrambles up from the floor and nudges Keith out of the way so he can gaze down at AE3506. The planet is just as he imagined- three quarters violent storm land raining down with lava, one quarter purple tree tops. Pink, sparse clouds flutter above the canopy and reach out until they hit the storm where the clouds are wisped away into black sand tornadoes. There’s a plateau near the jungle where there’s only a few trees and the storm’s far enough away that it’s safe to land.

While Lance is studying the planet, Keith opens the link back up. “Enter the atmosphere and land where I have marked on the map. The automatic stabilizers within the pod should assist your landing, the suits should immediately help your bodies adjust to pressure, and it should be safe to take off your helmets five minutes after exposure since the air’s breathable within the jungle. After landing, continue the mission as planned using the tracker to find high acidity levels to track the waste pools. Good luck, you two.”

“Thank you,” Keith dismisses the link. The pod begins to descend and Lance can feel pressure constrict his lungs for a second before it’s lifted and air comes easier. The pod slips into the atmosphere with ease and Keith manages to land the pod on the marker.

Lance breathes. “Well, hopefully we don’t die.”

Keith rolls his eyes. “As if we would,” he says, which is oddly comforting. He unlocks the hatch the door pops open with a hiss. Immediately, the pod rises in temperature and Lance breaks out in an immediate sweat. He can feel the humidity through his suit.

Lance climbs out of the pod after Keith. Their boots crunch the black sand underneath and Lance surveys the jungle ahead with a suspicious squint. It’s jet black, only spotted with trickles of light where the sun is allowed to reach. He can hear the drone of insects from here.

“God, it’s hotter than hell here.” Lance complains. Keith slides down the plateau and Lance reluctantly follows after. He speed walks just so he’s in front of Keith. “Allura really said we could take our helmets off in that?”

“Yes,” Keith says, eyes flitting around the screen on his helmet. “These readings say it’s completely safe. Just really humid.”

“I noticed.” Lance glances down at the scanner in his hands. “Well, we better get moving. Can’t wait to extract plant cum from a pool of alien pee.”

“What the hell, Lance.”

***

When the scanner tells Lance they’re only 2,582 paces from the waste pool, he decides to take his helmet off. It kind of sucks because it’s really humid and his hair is sticking to his forehead and is sopping with sweat, which is very disgusting, but he figures if he takes his helmet off Keith will too. Sacrifices must be made in the pursuit of happiness, after all.

“Wow, it actually smells kind of good in here,” Lance lies. It doesn’t. It smells like his aunt’s chicken coop has been doused in skunk spray and cat pee.

“Okay,” Keith says, side eyeing Lance. Lance raises his eyebrows to see if Keith will react, but he doesn’t so Lance just sighs.

“Can you take your helmet off, too? I don’t want to look dumb.”

“Uh, we’re the only ones here-“ Keith says, but reaches to take his helmet off. “-but I guess so.” His nose wrinkles when he breathes. “It smells terrible.”

“I know,” Lance agrees.

“Then why-“

“Because you’re an idiot.”

“...What did you just say to me?”  

“I said you’re an idiot. A big dumb dumb. You eat Duflax turds.” Lance’s face spreads into a manic smile as he watches Keith’s face contort with every word of Altean he speaks.

“What is that?” Keith questions, eyebrows beginning to drop. “Is that Altean?”

“Yes. Oh, I mean, yes, it is,” Lance turns to keep walking. “Maybe if you had more brain cells than a bag of dirt, you’d understand.”

“Stop it,” Keith growls. Lance laughs.

“Or what? We’re on a mission. You can’t beat me up, that would compromise it.”

“Well, please stop it. I just-“

“Why? What do you have to be jealous of, Keith? Allura’s not even here. Are you jealous over me, Keith? That I’m finally better than you at something?” Lance spits. He turns to face Keith and continues to walk backwards.

Keith frowns, face paling despite the heat. “No. You’ve been better at things before Altean. That’s not it, anyways.”

Lance frowns too. “Then what? Why can’t I speak Altean without you getting your panties in a twist?”

“Okay, well, for one, I know you’re insulting me right now.” Lance averts his gaze and Keith nods. “I know, I’m not dumb. I don’t want to tell you why, though. Not here, it’s not the time.”

“Well, then when is the time?”

Keith blushes. “Um, well-“ Keith’s eyes widen and his hand flies out to grasp Lance’s suit collar. Lance feels himself jerk up and dangle over the edge of something. “Lance! The pool!”

He turns. Sure enough, a hot pink bubbling pool of sludge sours beneath him. On the edge of the bank is a cluster of stubby, yellow leaves with oozing, lilac flowers. “Oh,” Lance says. “Thanks,” he says and avoids Keith’s eyes as he collects himself.

The conversation is dropped while the two wade through the pool and collect the buds. The gel is sticky and is the only good smelling thing on the planet so far. It smells like a dentist office that has a vanilla sugar scented candle burning. It’s a nice contrast to the garbage disposal smell of the pool.

Half way through  collecting, Lance feels the ground shake. A large bubble bursts beside him and sprays acid through the air. He jumps back and hits Keith, who grunts and straightens up. “What?”

“I felt something.” Lance motions for Keith to be quiet and points to the ground. Keith raises an eyebrow. They stand in silence for a moment, and just as Keith is about to open his mouth again, the ground rumbles again. This time, they heard a distant cry that sounds like it came straight out of Jurassic Park.

The pair share a panicked glance before taking off. They push through the pool as fast as they can, climb up the bank, and pull their boots from the suction of the sludge. The rumbles become louder and at a steady pace. Lance dares a look back, and at the edge of the pond, he can see the sharp glow of three eyes larger than his head.

“I think it’s mad we were in its toilet.”

“Lance, shut up and run.”

By the time they’re back to the pod, they’re out of breath and red in the face.  They’re slumped against the cool metal, too exhausted to lift off.

When Lance catches his breath he looks up at Keith. “So, about earlier-“

“Lance, I really don’t think you want to know.”

“I do, because it concerns me, so.“

“Okay.” Keith relents, sighing heavily and pushing his hair back with his palm. “I’m going to be honest. It’s weird. Don’t be mean about because you asked for it. It’s embarrassing so don’t tell the others, you ass.”

“Can you hurry up and get on with it?”

“Can you shut your mouth and be patient?”

“No, because I’m cranky and fed up with you thinking you’re better than me-“

“I don’t think that at all-“

“Don’t lie to me!”

“I’m not!”

“Then why-“

“I have a language kink.”

Lance blinks. Then blinks again. And again.

Lance.exe has stopped working.

Rebooting.

“Oh my god.”

Keith’s face gets impossibly red. He looks like his lion. His gloves are scratching where he’s rubbing his hands together furiously. “Like I said, it’s fucking weird. Don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s not a...you thing, per say. Just the thought of you speaking Altean really set it off and...just forget I said anything.”

“No, like,” Lance thinks about his words very carefully. “honestly?”

Keith looks at him. His lips have cracked and started to bleed where he’s been gnawing on them.

“It’s kind of hot.” He didn’t think about his words very carefully after all. “When we get back to the castle you want me to whisper some dirty shit into your ear?”

“What. The fuck, Lance.”

“Is that a no?”

“No. I mean, it’s a yes. But you’re weird.”

“You’re the one with the language kink.”

“You’re the one who’s probably going to suck my dick later-“

“Paladins?” A third voice sounds from the console. Keith and Lance go dead quiet. “Did you get the gel?”

“...Yes.” They both answer. Keith slowly gets up and sits in the pilot seat.

“Excellent.” Allura says. There’s some ruffling on the line before another, higher voice appears.

“We heard all of that. You guys are sick, you need the gel more than I do,” Pidge grumbles. Lance and Keith promptly die of mortification.