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I don’t know why I had thought it was a good idea at the time, but I had decided to invite Rachel with me to tag along to the junkyard with me just to hang out and talk, as I was extremely nervous the whole day. I hadn’t been able to get certain...thoughts out of my head and I figured that maybe talking to Rachel would help me sort them out.
The only problem with this was that Rachel was my thoughts. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I didn’t know if maybe I had been alone for so long that I just wasn’t used to having friends or if maybe…it was something else. I was really hoping it wasn’t something else.
Rachel and I were walking down to the junkyard as I was lost in my thoughts, making our way to the new hideout we had constructed. We had found somewhat of a shack that was in the corner of the junkyard and spent all day taking time to clean it up and make it look somewhat decent, along with moving whatever various furniture we could find into the area, which ended up being a shitty torn up chair and an old couch. Rachel had brought a couple of posters with her to help decorate the place and make it feel more like a home.
We made our way through our path that weaved its way through the junkyard, and when we got to the shack, I cut in font of Rachel and opened up the door for her.
“Why, thank you Miss Price,” Rachel said sarcastically as she walked through. I stuck my tongue out at her and followed her inside, shutting the door behind me. As soon as I did, my heartbeat sped up. I was alone with her now in a room. Just us. No one else can get in here. Nobody else…
“Can you pass me the tape, Chloe?”
Rachel’s question pulled me out of my trance. I nodded at her and pulled a roll of tape out of my pocket. She graciously accepted it and went to work, unrolling her posters and carefully hanging them up on the walls. She smiles at her additions to the house and I appreciate them as well, as they are punk rock posters with badass girls adorning the glistening sheets.
“C’mon Chloe, sit down. You seem on edge.”
I looked over and saw that Rachel had taken a seat on the couch and she was playfully patting the cushion next to her, offering me a seat. It made my throat somewhat clench as I thought about how I would be sitting close to her, what if she moved closer to me and something happened and…and…
“Chloeeeeee…”
Rachel calls out to me again and attempts to pull me from my thoughts, but I seem to be drowning in them. I make my way over to the couch and sit down, keeping my distance from Rachel.
“What’s wrong? You’ve been off all day.”
Rachel then moved closer to me, her thigh touching mine. It was killing me. She was so beautiful and she was so fucking cool and she was just so...so...
I couldn't explain it to her. I had thought these feelings had passed. I didn't want to be like this. I knew Rachel would hate me for it, at least I had convinced myself that she would, but she kept giving these signals, these signs like she was interested and it was fucking killing me.
"Chloe..." Rachel called my name suddenly and I turned to her, her tantalizing eyes peering into mine, as if she could see right through me. A small part of me hoped she could tell. She moved her hand to rest on my thigh and I could feel the blood starting to rush to my face, making me want to cuss and pull away from her. My body wasn't obeying me however, and I simply sat there, dumbfounded and frozen in place, staring at her. Her other hand reached up to touch my face and I could feel myself blushing. Her hand was so soft, and it made me wonder how soft her lips were. I didn't understand why she was doing this and there were lots of fucking questions, but all I wanted was for her to kiss me. My heart was burning for it. I hadn't felt anything like this since...
"You're blushing..." Rachel pointed out, a coy smile on her face. I closed my eyes and pulled her hand away, my feelings hurt. I hated that she was fucking with me like this. All I wanted was her and she didn't know.
"God damn it," I mutter, turning my face away, feeling tears rush to my eyes. It happens too quickly for me to stop them and I feel a couple slip down my face. I refuse to look at Rachel, but she suddenly pulls me into a hug. I am taken aback by her gesture, feeling a mixture of anger and overwhelming happiness, but I let myself melt into her body, small sobs heaving from my chest. She's stroking my hair and I cry into her chest, holding her tight. I didn't want to let go.
"Oh Chloe..." she murmurs, rubbing my back. I can't stand it. I push myself away from her arms and groan, burying my face into my hands. I can't control myself and I feel the words at the back of my throat.
"Fucking stop it Rachel! I-I can't take this shit, l-l..." I bite my tongue before I have the chance to say it, feeling hot tears starting to swell at my eyes, some slipping through. I angrily swipe them away, pushing myself away from Rachel, my breathing becoming slightly sporadic as I felt my emotions that I had locked in my heart swell up to my throat, threatening to emerge at any second. I could feel Rachel's eyes on me and it made my blood boil. I hated that she was seeing me in such a distraught state and I could feel her eyes piercing into me.
"...you what, Chloe?" Rachel asks gently. Why did she always have to know what to say?
"It's nothing. Let's just drop it, okay?" I tell her, trying to dismiss any more questions while also moving away from her. Rachel stops me suddenly, gripping my arm. I look at her out of surprise and her eyes seem to be swelling. I feel myself suddenly being pulled into another hug, Rachel gripping me tight. I'm in complete shock as I sit there, frozen.
She gives me a squeeze, and I feel her lips brush up against my ear. I can feel my face heating up and my chest starting to clench, but I can't do anything.
"I know what you were going to say Chloe...I feel the same way."
Rachel releases me and pulls away to look at me, as if to examine my reaction. I can do nothing but stare at her as tears start to roll down my face. Before I can reach up to wipe them away, Rachel reaches out to me, softening her gaze and smiling. I accept her hand as she carefully wipes my tears away, my stockpiled sadness swelling in my heart, threatening to burst. I can’t help myself as I start to sob, not completely sure why. I hated not being able to control myself like this, but around Rachel, I simply turned into a mess. I cry into her, feeling my tears starting to dampen her shirt. I murmur into her body, pleading to what cannot hear me.
“Talk to me, Chloe. Please. I hate seeing you like this,” Rachel whispers to me again and strokes my hair, attempting to calm me down. The feeling of her fingers on my scalp feels so good, but I feel so wrong for enjoying it as much as I do. I shake my head as much as I can and I pull away from Rachel again, sniffling.
“What is there to talk about? I’m a gross girl who has gross feelings ab-“
“Stop it, Chloe. That’s no-“
I cut Rachel off before she has a chance to finish.
“Not true? Sure it is! I know you think I’m disgusting deep down inside. I know that you don’t feel the same way, you just fucking feel bad for me! Don’t lie to me and tell me that it’s okay, I know it isn’t!” I shout at her, my hands clawing at my scalp. I wanted all of these thoughts out of my fucking head. Before I realize it, I’m screaming my words, giving Rachel no chance to chime in.
“You don’t know me! Nobody knows me! I’m just going to keep getting fucked over by everyone until they’ve had enough and decide I’m too useless! Everybody just lies to get what they want and to take advantage of people, nobody gives a fuck about anything except for themselves! I know the truth, and I know that I’m not okay! I’m sick! I fucking hate having these feelings about you! I hate loving you, Rachel!”
I smack my hand over my mouth. I did not mean to say that.
“Chloe…”
Before Rachel can say anything more, I run out of the shack, slamming the door open and running as fast as I can. I can hear Rachel shouting behind me and I swear I hear her running after me, only making me run faster.
“Get the fuck away from me! Please! Just let me go!” I cry out, trying to get Rachel away from me. I cut into the forest and attempt to lose her there, feeling the branches striking against my arms. As I’m running, I feel myself trip over a rock and I fall, crashing into the ground.
“Fuck!” I shout, laying on the ground, heaving for breath. As my lungs start to slow down, I’m able to somewhat process my thoughts. I listen to see if Rachel is still following me, but after a few moments, I cannot hear footsteps or breaking branches or anything. I sigh somewhat in relief, but I know that I’m going to be washed over with regret in a few moments. I pick myself up and bury my head in my hands, feeling the tears starting again.
“Why did you do that, why did you do that, why did you do that…fuck…fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…” I repeat over and over to myself, feeling the tears dripping down my face. I claw at my arms and stand up quickly, kicking the ground around me.
“Fuck you! Fuck you for doing this to me! I hate this!” I cry out, slamming my fist into a nearby tree.
“God damn it…” I mutter, realizing how much damage I’ve caused to my body as I feel the pain coursing through my body, my right hand shaking and bleeding. I sit back down on the ground again and check my phone, examining to make sure it didn’t get fucked up. I turn it on and the screen flashes in my face, with no notifications on my screen. I unlock my phone and start browsing through my contacts, my thumb stopping over Rachel’s name. At the bottom of the screen, I see a few pixels sticking out however.
Steph.
My eyes widened as I touched her contact information, my thumb hovering over the Call button. I knew that Steph herself was gay and maybe…just maybe…she might know what to do. Without giving myself more time to think, I press the button and put the phone up to my ear, my heartrate increasing after every dial.
Suddenly, I hear a click.
“Hello?”
I hear Steph’s voice on the other end and I immediately freeze. I didn’t really know what to say. After a few seconds of silence, Steph calls out to me again.
“Helllooooo-oo…Chloe? Did you accidentally call me because you were high again?”
“N-no. I didn’t. Sorry. I just…you’re the only person I can talk to right now and I really fucked up and I don’t know what to do.” I can feel myself starting to cry again as I start to sniffle. I hear Steph click her tongue on the other end as if she was analyzing what I just told her.
“What happened? Weird to hear the punk rock girl herself falling apart.”
I chuckle at her snide comment, appreciating her concern and her ability to help calm me down with a little bit of humor. I sigh and close my eyes, preparing to retell the situation to Steph.
“Well…I asked Rachel if she wanted to hang out and shit today and she did, so we went down to our little like hangout spot and…well…I’ve been having these feelings for her, you know? I mean I guess you would know but like…fuck. I don’t get it. How did you accept it?”
Steph pauses for a moment and I hear her sigh.
“It was really hard for me at first, Chloe. I know what you’re going through. It seems like you’re wrong or messed up or whatever but…there’s really nothing you can do except for just learn to accept yourself. I know that sounds stupid or like what a counselor would say or whatever but like…that’s all you can do.”
I nod, somewhat frustrated with the advice she was giving me, but understanding. I still hadn’t quite gotten to the core of the issue however.
“Well I…I fucked up even more. I ended up fighting with Rachel and I told her I…I loved her. I ran away from her and shit when I did.”
“Holy fuck, Chloe. Why did you run away?”
I bite my lip, not really even sure myself why I ran away.
“I…I was too scared to see her reaction…I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want her to freak out on me or like…I don’t know.”
“Understandable. Is she still there with you? Do you know where she is?”
“No…I…I don’t know where she is. I ran off into the forest and…I’m guessing that she’s either looking for me or went home or something…”
“Mmm. Well, Chloe, I think you need to find her and talk to her. I’d be a little upset if a girl just told me she loved me and ran off without talking to me about it. Hell, I’d be tearing through that forest to find you. Just talk to her, dude. The worst she can say is that she hates you.”
“But that’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”
“Right, but…nothing will get solved if you just stay on the phone with me and don’t do a damn thing.”
Fuck. Steph was really laying into me, but I needed it.
“Damn it. You’re right. I just ha-“
My voice is interrupted by an incoming call and I see that it’s Rachel.
“Oh fuck! Rachel’s calling me!” I cry out, starting to freak out again.
“Well, fucking answer! I’m gonna hang up on you anyway!”
“Steph, wait, do-“
Before I can finish, she hangs up on me and the call is transferred over to Rachel’s. Fuck.
“Chloe!! Chloe, are you okay?!”
I hear Rachel’s voice blaring through the phone and she sounds extremely worried. Guilt pangs through my heart and I take a deep breath, preparing myself to answer her.
“Yes, I’m okay. I promise.”
“Thank god. Where are you? Are you still in the junkyard? I tried to run after you but I lost you…”
“Yes, I’m still in the junkyard. I ran off into the woods or whatever. I’m okay, I just kinda fucked up my hands and shit…”
“I’m glad you’re okay. Can you please come back to the shack so we can talk?”
I could tell that Rachel didn’t want to mince words and was clearly worried and she really needed to talk to me. I couldn’t avoid this much longer anyway as I had kind of set all of this in motion.
“…yeah. I’ll be back there as soon as I can be.”
“Thank you, Chloe. I’ll be waiting. Be safe.”
With that, I hang up the phone and sigh. I start walking back toward the shack, muttering to myself, somewhat going as slow as I possibly can to delay the process. My head is swarming with thoughts that I can’t seem to stop, and I wonder how this night is going to turn out. I try to rehearse what I’m going to say, but to no avail. I end up just keeping quiet and crossing my arms as I make my way back to the shack, starting to see the edges of the trail that we use to make our way through the junkyard. My heart tightens as I see it and I look up, seeing a light turned on in the shack. I knew that Rachel was in there waiting. I wondered if she was as nervous as I was.
As I start to approach the door, breathing starts to get harder. I can feel my chest tightening as I raise my hand up to knock on the door, feeling too much like a jackass to simply walk in. I hold my breath when the door opens and Rachel smiles slightly at me.
“…hi.” I mutter to her, edging my way into the shack.
“Hey again, Chloe. Glad you’re okay.”
I feel Rachel embrace me tightly and I accept it, appreciating her warmth around my body. As soon as she releases me, she guides me back over to the couch, taking a seat next to me, but putting some space between us. She looks at me sadly and her hands reach toward mine. I give them to her and she carefully touches the now scabbed over marks on my fist, making me wince.
“Oh sweetie…” She murmurs, taking her fingers off of my wound. I see her reach for her purse as she starts rummaging through, eventually pulling out a somewhat used tube of Neosporin and a few Band-Aids.
“Let me fix you up. Gimme your hand again,” Rachel demands and I show it to her again. She carefully applies the Neosporin to the bandages and begins covering my knuckles, my hand starting to feel relief from the burning pain. She smiles after she’s done fixing me up and piles together the trash, pushing it off to the side.
“Better?”
“Much better,” I respond, thanking her. I look down at the bandages on my hand in silence, not quite sure what to say. I still didn’t really want to look at her. I knew we were going to have to talk about it but…couldn’t we just wait? Couldn’t we just pretend like it never happened and…
“Did you really mean what you said, Chloe?”
I freeze.
“What do you mean?” I ask, trying to play dumb.
Rachel sighs. “You know what I mean.”
I stare down at my hands, twiddling my fingers. I don’t want to answer her, but it’s not going to get me anywhere if I don’t say anything.
“…yes. I did mean it, Rachel.” I tell her quietly, refusing to look at her.
“You know that I meant what I said too, right Chloe?”
That’s what finally gets me to look up at her. I blink, somewhat in shock. She didn’t mean…that she felt the same way, did she?
“You mean…you…you feel the same way?”
“Yes, Einstein.” She smiles at me and gives me a gentle shove and I chuckle, still somewhat in disbelief. My smile turns back to a frown and I look back down at my hands.
“But…I…there’s so many more people who are just better for you Rachel. I’m not…anything special. I’m just…deadbeat Chloe. I’m not even that pretty or anything, you’re like the most popular girl in the school and I’m a nobody and –“
“Do you really think I actually give a shit about any of that, Chloe?”
I look at Rachel out of shock again. I really wasn’t expecting her to say anything like that.
“Please don’t tell me about how I feel about you, Chloe. I love you for the way you are. I love you because you are deadbeat Chloe. You’re different from any of these other losers around here. You’re not like anyone else around here and that’s the best thing about you. I don’t ever want to lose you and there’s…there’s something between us. I know we’ve talked about it before, but…there really is. I want to at least try so we can at least say we did.”
I stare at her, not knowing what to say. I wasn’t expecting this at all. I was just expecting her to turn me down and…and…I don’t know. Not do any of this.
Rachel looks at me as if she’s waiting for an answer, but my throat feels dry. This is what I wanted but…I don’t know how to react. My body feels numb and it doesn’t feel like it’s really happening.
“Is this real?”
Before I can stop myself, the question is out of my mouth. Rachel smiles at me and carefully moves closer, which I don’t object to.
“Will a kiss make it real, Chloe?”
My eyes widen at her suggestion and I freeze again. My heart starts going crazy once more and I feel my face heat up. I look away from her, trying to hide my sudden change in demeanor, but I can tell she already noticed.
“It’s so cute how shy you are, Chloe. Come closer to me.”
I accept her proposition and I do in fact move a little closer to her, where our thighs are touching again. She reaches down for my hand, clasping it gently while taking her other hand and pushing my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. I look into her vast emerald eyes, almost getting lost in her gaze. My look travels to her lips, which are plump and very kissable from this angle. I look up at her again and swallow hard, seeing her still looking right at me.
“Can I…kiss you, Chloe?” Rachel asks nervously, to my surprise. I nod my head slowly and she nods in return, closing her eyes and drawing toward me. I close my eyes as well and inch my face toward hers, and I feel electricity tingling down my spine as I feel my lips connect with hers. Her mouth is so soft and I can slightly taste her mint gum that she was chewing earlier. I can’t help myself and I kiss her again, which she accepts, kissing me back in return. This causes Rachel to come closer to me, pressing herself against me as our kisses intensified. I could feel my face getting hotter and the heat was beginning to spread throughout my body as I felt her kiss me hard. She slowly separates her mouth from mine, smiling coyly, and I can see that she’s blushing quite deeply as well. I embrace her as she settles in beside me, nestling her head into my chest. I rest my head on top of hers and close my eyes, sighing.
“I’m sorry I freaked out at you, Rachel. Really, I am. It was pretty shitty of me and…”
“It’s okay, Chloe. We all fuck up. I was just as nervous as you were. All my acting experience just helps me keep my shit together, you know? How can I keep my cool around a hot punk girl like you?”
I blush at her comment and give her a gentle slap, which she giggles at.
“I’m just glad it turned out okay. I’ll always love you Chloe, and I’ll always be in your heart, even if I’m gone someday.”
Her comment sent a pulse of pain through my heart, remembering her comments about how she might just be gone someday. I pull her closer and kiss the top of her head. I never wanted that day to come.
“Fuck that. Take me with you wherever you go. I’ll drop everything no matter what. I love you, Rachel.”
I feel her nestle closer into me, and she looks up, kissing me on the cheek.
“I love you too, Chloe. Nothing will ever separate us. We’re an unstoppable force.”
I chuckle at her comment, squeezing her.
“Of course. You’re my partner in crime, Rachel.”