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Dying is not hard. Most of the time, it’s a relief. That’s a terrible thing to say, a terrible thing to think, and if Lup were here…
Well, if Lup were here it wouldn’t be an issue.
This time is different. It’s quick, which is good. It’s fire. Which is not. It hurts. A lot.
And then…
And then.
He liked this uniform once. He was proud of it. He still is, but it feels strange, the robe settling around his ethereal form. It doesn’t mean what it used to.
He hasn’t felt so alone in years.
It’s strange how quickly you get used to solitude.
They’d been right there. Next to him. With him. They’d almost been a team again. And Taako, he looked just the same, just like his sister.
And sure, they were different, of course they were, but they were them. He’s seen Lucretia a few times, always at a distance. And one time he caught a glimpse of Davenport at her side. But he hasn’t… He’s been focussing on the mission. Well missions. Getting everyone’s memories back and finding Lup.
It always takes a little while to remember himself, to settle back into this form.
By then, shit. Shit. They’ve gone. He can’t find them, they’ve left him behind. Of course they have. He was dead. They don’ know… they don’t remember him. And it’s wrong. It’s so wrong.
They’re supposed to be together. A hundred years of family, of connection. And now.
And now, the gauntlet had destroyed another town, hundreds if not thousands of lives. Lup would hate it. He hated it. He didn’t know where the others were. But h knew they’d been dragged into Lucretia’s schemes somehow.
What was she thinking?
Sometimes, he went and watched her. Never close up, always invisible in his Lich form. She looked so old. So tired. She didn’t look like the woman he knew.
Why hadn’t she talked to them? Why did she think she had to do it alone?
Well. Being alone is habit forming. Maybe they should have known. They were family the seven of them. They should have seen it coming, talked her down off the ledge.
Yeah. Burning hurts. Losing them again hurts.
The worst death though, as he ranks them, is the first one he had on this plain. Taako staring at him blankly, fear creeping over the elf’s confused face, begging to die even as the memories faded and he wasn’t sure why he was asking for that.
It’s a shock, each time. Not just pain but coldness. Emptiness.
Being a Lich, it’s not… it’s not like being a person. He’s not really Barry when he’s like this. Or maybe he’s more Barry? He has the memories after all, the other Barry just has the body.
Emotions are important to Liches. You can feed on your own emotions, if they’re strong enough. Use your memories to sustain yourself. It’s hard. It’s like being stretched out, pulled to your limits, but it’s possible.
It’s always tempting to just feed on other people’s emotions though. Just a little snack here and there. He doesn’t do it often, never enough to hurt, but sometimes he needs the energy.
Not today though.
Today he’s got enough despair and loss and fragile hope filling him that he could power a hundred Liches.
They’re still alive. Magnus, Merle, Taako. He can keep an eye on them. They’ll be with Lucretia, so it works for his plan, but Lup would never forgive him if he just let her brother wander off into the world with half his mind gone. He’d have to track them down, he can’t believe he’s lost them again so soon, but they’d end up on the Moon sooner or later.
Maybe, maybe next time would be the last time. Maybe next time he could actually rest.