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Even after all this time it seems like a joke that we ended up friends. Like I'll wake up any day now and be back at Class Freak status, and Tommy Dawkins won't even know my name. There isn't one good reason for him to be my best friend, not when he had everything going for him our whole lives and I've always been a nobody. The fact that he actually needs me around makes it a little easier to believe, because if Tommy hadn't needed my help back at the beginning of the year we'd have graduated without him ever even knowing my name. Still, once he got a handle on the whole wolf thing he could have gone back to his cool friends and life as the leader of the popular crowd, but he didn't. He actually went out of his way to keep me in his life, gave up his chance to go back to life before the wolf so he wouldn't have to give up us.
That's the way I like to think about it, anyway. I mean okay, so there was that tiny little detail about the evil werewolf that would have taken Tommy's place if he hadn't gotten bitten that day. And the fact that bad guys followed him around like Snowbirds at an all-you-can-eat buffet made it hard for him to go back to just being one of the guys. Still, I know he likes having me in his life. He's told me so a dozen different ways, and even when I get on his nerves I know he wants me around.
So sitting at the bar watching him dance with Lori doesn't really bother me, because we're just friends. Best friends, and with any luck we'll stay best friends even when I go away to college. I know it's a lot to expect, but I know Tommy's secrets and that makes a big difference. Not that I really like having to hold onto him that way, but I'm pretty sure he'll miss me. Maybe not as much as I'll miss him, but I can't expect that. He has no idea how I feel about him, and if he did I don't know if even the wolf would be enough to keep him as my best friend.
In a week high school will be over for good, so I know I don't have to worry about the way he's flirting with Lori. The time when they might have gotten back together is past, and now it's just Tommy being Tommy. He flirts with everybody – Lori, the other girls at school, even me – so I know it's just him being friendly. At first when he'd touch me or put his arm around me I wondered, even let myself hope that maybe it meant something. I always knew better, but it was hard not to think about it when he was always touching. He's gotta be the most physical guy I've ever met, and I know it's just because he feels so comfortable with me but he touches me way more than he touches anybody else he knows.
It's not really my fault I fell for him, is it? I mean when we met I was right in the middle of figuring out some pretty major stuff, and all of a sudden he was around all the time. He was always there, needing my help every five minutes it seemed like. So when he hugged me after a fight or put his arm around me at school I couldn't help reacting, and before long I had a full-blown crush on my new best friend. Of course the fact that he's gorgeous didn't help.
That's the hardest part; Tommy's beautiful, and he doesn't even realize it. Sure, he knows he's popular and that he doesn't have too much trouble with girls, but when it comes to using his looks to get ahead…he has no idea how much power he holds in his smile alone. All he has to do is smile at me and I fold, if he touches me too it's all over. There was no way I was gonna avoid falling for him, not when he acts like he can't live without me. I went from being the school freak to being Tommy Dawkins' best friend practically overnight, that was enough of an adjustment without trying to talk myself out of having a thing for him.
He's been dancing with Lori for a few minutes now, but he looks over here and grins every so often. His way of letting me know he hasn't forgotten who he came here with, I guess. I'd laugh at the idea of him acting like it was a date if I didn't wish so much that it was true. I know this is probably the last time Tommy and Lori will have a chance to dance before school ends, but part of me – okay, a lot of me – is jealous. When he said he wanted to go hang out at The Factory I had this vision of just the two of us sharing a table, reminiscing about the year and making a lot of promises I'd try my damnedest to keep about staying in touch. Practically the minute we walked through the door there she was, though, and Tommy's thousand-watt grin turned on the second she asked him to dance.
I can't really blame him, I mean it's not his fault he's not into guys. Not that I think I'd be his type even if he was, but it's Tommy. Tommy who could probably make some of the straight guys at school think twice, Tommy who has every girl at school – including my own sister – throwing herself at his feet. The fact that he wastes his time on me at all is a miracle, so I don't need to screw it up by wanting more. That's the hard part, though, isn't it? Because no matter how many times I tell myself it's never going to happen, I can't stop wishing for it. He's out there on the dance floor with his arms around a girl we both consider a close friend, and all I can think about is just telling him how I feel.
That's part of the reason I decided to go away to school. Leaving Tommy is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I know if I want to get over him I have to. I'm going to have to come out to him at some point; I mean he's still my best friend and if I have any prayer of getting over him I'm going to have to start dating sometime. Dating girls hasn't helped, so if I want Tommy in my life he's gonna have to know the truth. That's the hard part, because even though I think he'll try to understand I don't know how he'll feel about me once he knows. I'll be away at school so that will make it easier on him, but he could just as easily use the distance between us as an excuse to drift out of my life.
And the worst part is that that's kind of what I'm expecting to happen, whether I tell him before I leave for school or put it off until I don't have a choice anymore. I could tell him tonight, when Lori finally leaves him alone and we get that table where we can watch the dance floor. Or maybe later in the Lair where nobody can overhear me would be better. It's just three words – three words that could make or break the best friendship I'll probably ever have. Tommy, I'm gay. They won't be hard to say, but the real question is how he'll react. Will I end up spending the last week of my senior year alone, or will he pretend everything's okay until I leave for school? Will he hug me goodbye if I tell him the truth? Am I that pathetic that I'd put it off just for one more of Tommy's hugs?
He looks over at me again and I know I'm that pathetic and more – so pathetic that for a second I almost think I see something in his eyes when he looks at me. I've been watching them this whole time and he knows it, but whenever he looks over at me he doesn't seem surprised or annoyed at the fact that I'm staring. Every time he looks at me over Lori's shoulder he smiles and holds my gaze just a second longer than he has to, and each time it gets harder to convince myself that I'm imagining what I think I see there. Because it almost feels like he knows what I'm thinking, but he can't because if he did he wouldn't be smiling at me. Besides, ESP isn't one of his wolfy powers, so unless he's got a new talent he hasn't told me about it's not like he can read my mind.
Maybe I'm going crazy; it would explain a lot of the thoughts I've been having lately, and it would make it easier to convince myself that I'm imagining the way Tommy looks at me right before he leans over and whispers in Lori's ear. She doesn't look over here, but she nods and then he lets go of her and lets her disappear into the crowd. It only takes him a few seconds to cross the dance floor and stop next to me, his shoulder pressed against mine as he orders a Coke. His forehead's shining with little beads of sweat and I have to clench my fingers into fists to keep from reaching over and wiping them away, settling instead for admiring his profile while he bounces on his heels and waits for his drink.
When it finally appears in front of him he turns toward me, green eyes bright as he leans forward so I can hear him over the music without him having to shout. He smells like soap and sweat and Tommy, warm and tempting and I'm having a really hard time not reaching out and touching him. The worst part is that I know I could get away with it, because for Tommy touching is like breathing so he might not even notice. I can't, though, because the second I touch him I might forget where we are and that he doesn't want me the way I want him.
"Sorry I bailed on you, buddy," he says, grinning down at me before he lifts his glass to his lips and swallows half his soda. "You look kind of bored over here by yourself."
"I don't mind," I lie. "You didn't have to cut your dance short because of me. If you want to go find Lori…"
"Nah," he says, taking a step backwards and reaching out to lay a hand on my shoulder. I've gotten so used to not reacting when he touches me that I don't even have to concentrate on suppressing a shiver, which is just as well because I'm too busy wondering why he's pulling me off my bar stool. For one crazy second I think he's going to drag me out onto the dance floor, but before I embarrass myself with a stammered question his arm's around my shoulders. "I'm here with you, remember? Let's go find a table, I think I saw an empty one in the back."
It's not a date, I remind myself for the tenth time since we walked into The Factory. I try as hard as I can to push that thought to the back of my mind and let him lead me toward the back of the room, telling myself that it's okay if I don't tell him the truth tonight. There's only a week left of school, after all, and I don't want to ruin his last few days of senior year. High school means a lot more to Tommy than it does to me, and I can't take that away from him, can I? So it'll wait, maybe even until there's actually something to tell. For now he's still my best friend, and that's enough. It's enough.