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"Fuck."
Tommy doesn't swear; he doesn't drink or smoke or do anything that might raise eyebrows, because his parents are Pillars Of The Community and he has to set a Good Example. He's known that his whole life, eased into the role he was expected to play without a second thought. Only lately he's been having a lot of second thoughts, and he can trace every one of them back to one thing.
"Fuck." The word feels good rolling off his tongue, so he says it again. "Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck."
"What's wrong?"
His lips curl slightly at the sound of panic; he smells it a second later, his heightened senses picking up the slight shift in the air as Merton slides a little closer to him. Their knees brush under the table – an accident, he's sure – and he's smiling for real now. "Nothing," he says, letting his head fall back against the bench and turning his neck far enough to bestow his smile on Merton. "Just trying something new."
Trying new things – that's what life's all about, isn't it? It's what he's heard college is about, and he's thought of all kinds of new things he'd like to try. He pictures his father's face when he hears just what his perfect son wants to try. Well, not really so perfect, what with the extra body hair every full moon, or every time he's angry, or every time he gets a whiff of something that turns him on…
His smile shifts to something a little less delirious and he turns away from Merton, concentrating on not giving in to the tingling just under his skin. And if his father knew the truth – the whole truth – well, that wouldn't really matter, would it? Because he's already a freak, so it doesn't matter that it's the smell of his best friend and not being pressed up against some girl that makes the wolf want out. Pictures telling his father that yeah, he's gay, but it's okay, Dad. It's a wolf thing.
The thought makes him laugh, but the sound catches in his throat and before he knows it Merton's hands are on him, and that can't be a good thing. It means Merton's worried about him, and Merton worried always makes the wolf even more protective than usual. "I'm okay," he says in answer to the question that hasn't even been asked. "I'm alright, Merton. Can we go now?"
He knows he sounds like a little kid – a tired little kid at the end of a long, long day filled with too much sun and sugar – but he doesn't care because Merton's nodding, and a second later they're standing up and weaving their way back through the crowded club. Out of the corner of his eye he thinks he sees Lori watching them leave, but he doesn't even bother to wave because he already has what he wants and he doesn't want to encourage her anymore. One dance that he couldn't get out of was too much; one dance that took him away from Merton, and every time he looked up Merton was watching him and Lori move together on the dance floor.
He wants that to mean something. He wants it to mean that Merton wants the same thing he does, that he's all torn up inside the same way Tommy is over the thought of saying goodbye to the world they've built together over the past year. Not even a year, because school's barely over and Merton's leaving for college early, which means they barely got nine months. Nine months and now it's all changing, and no matter what lies they tell each other it's never going to be the same again.
It can't, even if he grabs Merton and pushes him up against the wall outside The Factory right now. Right…now, and before he even realizes what he's doing he's got his best friend pinned against warm brick in full view of anybody who might be walking down Main Street.
"Tommy?"
And God, there's so much trust in that voice, like Merton just accepts that whatever Tommy's doing, it's for the best. Only he doesn't know, he can't know because Tommy doesn't even know. "Promise me something."
"What?" But it sounds like 'anything', and Merton must know it too, because even in the darkness Tommy can see the pretty red stain seep into those pale cheeks. And he knows he can ask anything; in the next second he could make Merton promise him whatever he wanted, all he has to do is say the words. He can't bring himself to ask for more than Merton can give, though, and maybe there's still a little of the Golden Boy – the overgrown Boy Scout – left in him after all.
And he hates being the Boy Scout, the one who always does the right thing even when wrong would feel so much better, but he loves Merton and that's what it all comes down to.
He. Loves Merton. Loves him, and now he lets out a little laugh as he rolls that new word around on his tongue, liking it as much as he liked saying 'fuck', but for much different reasons. "Promise me we'll stay friends. I mean it, Merton. I know you're going away to your fancy school and you'll make all kinds of new friends that are just as smart as you, but just…just promise."
"Always, Tommy." And he looks a little scared now, but Tommy can't tell if it's because of the desperation in his own voice or if he's gripping Merton's arms too hard. He doesn't want to let go; it feels good being this close to Merton, feeling hot breath on his neck and the pulse of that slender body against his. Merton's what he thinks of when he hears the phrase 'live wire', and now that he's trapped against Tommy he finally understands why. It feels good – way too good – but he forces his fingers to relax, uncurls them from around Merton's arms and takes a step backwards. Okay, half a step, and even that's too far away.
"Good." And it's not enough; it's nowhere near enough, but he can't ask Merton for what he really wants, so he has to take what he can get. But hey, he's still trying new things, so he tells himself Merton will understand if he just brushes the back of his knuckles across his cheek before he pulls away completely. And that feels good too – better than he expected, really, because Merton's skin is soft and smooth and warm under his fingers – so he does it again before he takes another step backwards. "Good."
He feels the weight of Merton's stare on him as he backs away, the look questioning, maybe wondering what exactly he's up to. Thinks about just getting it out there, seeing if Merton would really mind that all he really wants to do right now is run his tongue along the hollow of his best friend's throat. He doesn't do it, though, because the Boy Scout's still keeping the wolf in check and no matter how he tries to justify it, Tommy still can't seem to let himself go. Knows that if he did he'd be dangerous, maybe more dangerous than even he could handle, like that time Merton wolfed out and tried to get him killed.
That memory still makes his chest ache a little but he doesn't bring it up – resolutely Does. Not. Mention. It. He never talks about it, because it would just make Merton feel bad and he doesn't want Merton to feel guilty for being weak. Besides, he's seen the wicked part of himself up close and personal and he still remembers how hard it was to resist the voice inside him that whispered to him to let that side of him take over for good. So maybe it makes him some kind of superhero for being able to keep his instincts in check when nobody else would be able to, but being a superhero gets kind of old after awhile.
"Tommy?" And there's that voice again, reaching out and caressing his fucking skin like it's a living thing all on its own. Tommy wants to reach out and take Merton's hand, put it on his skin so he can feel Merton's fingers along with his voice. Wants to press him up against the wall again and feel all that life pulsing against him, so he'll have a few memories stored away for months from now when he's alone in his dorm room.
"Yeah?"
"Are you sure you're okay?"
He hears the rest of the question, the part Merton always leaves out: Are you sure you're okay? Because you're starting to freak me out and I don't know what to do when you're not acting like Tommy Dawkins, Hero of Pleasantville. He wants to tell Merton that he's not a hero, that he's just a freak and he can't keep going around pretending to be normal all the time when nothing makes sense anymore. Or maybe the problem is that everything's starting to make perfect sense, and he just doesn't like what he sees.
"I feel…weird."
Right on cue Merton's expression goes from a little scared to full-blown worried, and then his hands are on Tommy, feeling his forehead and his face without even thinking about what he's doing. And the fact that Merton can just touch him without even thinking about it makes his chest ache all over again, but he can't even tell anymore if it's a good ache or a bad one. "You're kind of warm," Merton says, and his hands are still lingering on Tommy's skin like he thinks maybe he can cure a fever with just his touch. That would be a neat trick, and Tommy desperately wants him to try because he's hot all over and he has a feeling Merton's the only one who would understand why. "Do you want to go home?"
No, Tommy's brain screams, and he has to ball his hands into fists to keep himself from grabbing Merton again just to make sure he doesn't get away. He doesn't want to go anywhere near home, unless by 'home' Merton means the Lair, which feels more like home to Tommy than his own house anyway.
"You could lie down for awhile," Merton says, still talking because he hasn't noticed all the tension in Tommy's muscles while he's busy checking his temperature every three seconds. "My mom won't mind if you stay over."
And just like that the tension's gone; he can stop panicking about Merton sending him back to his house, stop worrying about having to say goodbye before he's ready. And maybe he won't get everything he wants from Merton tonight, but they'll be together and that's the important thing. As long as they're together it's easier to breathe, easier to keep the wolf at bay and easier to ignore the voices in the back of his head telling him he'll never be normal. When it's just them he can pretend that everything's okay, and as long as they're together it feels so close to normal that he wants to find a way to hold onto it forever.
"Yeah, alright," he hears himself say. He catches another little flicker of something in Merton's eyes but ignores it, because it doesn't really matter whether his best friend's worried or scared as long as he's not making up some excuse to get as far away from Tommy as he can. And if he hasn't tried to get away after all the new things Tommy's tried out so far tonight, maybe he doesn't really want to go anywhere after all.
Merton smiles a little and it lights up his whole face, then he's easing away from the wall and falling into step so close to Tommy that their shoulders brush together. And even that feels so good that Tommy does it again just to make sure he's not imagining things, but Merton doesn't pull away. He gives Tommy a little sideways glance that makes his stomach do funny things, so slides his arm around Merton's shoulders and pulls him close. And that's not a new thing, but it feels right all the same.