Chapter Text
Victor loved the ice, he had ever since the first moment his blades touched it. Endless practices and throwing himself into the sport had kept him from dwelling on how lonely he had become. Competitive figure skating, especially on the international level, left little free time for him to obsess over his soulmate. It also gave him greater opportunity to meet him, not that he had any idea who it was or where they were now. He had never even attempted to figure that puzzle out, it was always something he intended to do but never found time for.
As a child, he had marveled over the Japanese characters that filled his skin. Until he realized that it meant he couldn’t read them. He considered writing back in Russian but it seemed pointless. Without meaning, he went years not replying to his soulmate. Always intending to write something in English but forgetting or telling himself that he would do it later.
One day, a message appeared in English for the first time. It made his heart stop. “I’m sorry for bothering you for so many years. You won’t hear from me again.” All those years he had let go by without saying anything, all while his soulmate had constantly been reaching out to him. Victor was frantic in his attempt to find a pen, desperate to finally write back.
“I’m here! Please don’t go!” His letters were sloppy, he wasn’t accustomed to writing in the language. Victor felt ashamed for never responding, for making his soulmate feel so unwanted. Just as alone as he felt but it was entirely his fault. He should have tried to communicate, he should have found some way to locate his soulmate despite the language barrier.
Victor never received a response, he couldn’t blame his soulmate for ignoring his first message. After all his years of silence, it felt just that he receive silence in return. He never stopped writing. Every exposed patch of skin he could reach was covered in his words, pleas for his soulmate to respond. Even if his soulmate never responded, Victor wanted them to know that they were wanted.
“Please stop. People stare at me.” The message broke his heart. Years of filling his skin with words and all his soulmate cared about was the reaction of those around them. Victor only had himself to blame. Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. This was entirely his fault. For years he had ignored his soulmate and now they wanted nothing to do with him. In his selfishness and fear, he had made his soulmate suffer. Now he was faring the same fate.
“I’m sorry I ignored you for so long. Please don’t go.” Sitting on the floor of his room, he had never felt more empty or alone. Here was his other half and even they didn’t want Victor. Even if he had caused it himself, it still hurt. Wallowing in loneliness instead of allowing himself to have this, to talk to this person who was meant for him.
“I think it would be better if we did not communicate again.” So formal. While they were strangers, their souls were intertwined. It felt inherently wrong to Victor for them to speak to each in such a formal manner. Despite it, he was thankful that they could finally talk.
“We’re soulmates. We can’t just ignore each other.” The words rang true and the guilt welled up in Victor, he had done just that. Could he really tell his soulmate they shouldn’t do the same thing?
“I thought you didn’t exist.” Victor stared as his wrist where the words had appeared faintly, as if his soulmate was unsure of the statement. He had never considered his soulmate would assume they didn’t exist. It seemed logical now that he was faced with the idea. “Then phone numbers started appearing and I knew you existed, you just didn’t want me.” Victor gulped, remembering those few nights he let loose at clubs and woke up hungover with phone numbers written all over his hand. He never went home with any of them or called the strangers who propositioned him. But that was the only message his soulmate ever got, the phone numbers of strange men at clubs. Victor’s cheeks were wet with tears as a sob wretched out of him. His soulmate felt utterly unwanted, ignored, and unworthy of his attention. In all his years, Victor had never felt as low as he did in that moment. He was the one who was unworthy of his soulmate who tried so hard to contact him.
“I always wanted you. I just didn’t know what to say. Or what language to say it in.” It was the truth, even if it felt more like an excuse. Victor didn’t know how to explain figure skating or how important it was to him, how it made so few people want to even be around him. The idea that even his soulmate, like so many of his competitors, might reject him was terrifying. Some part of him always feared that his soulmate wouldn’t think he was worthy of the effort it would take to maintain a relationship with his busy competitive schedule. But he had never even given them the chance. Victor would do whatever he had to in order to keep his soulmate talking.
After several minutes without a response, he felt like he had scared them off somehow. Frantically, he started to write again, his letters getting less legible with each word. “I’m a figure skater. I was always so busy. I always wanted to talk to you. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to explain my life. I didn’t know Japanese and I never had enough time to fully learn it.” Despite it all being the truth, it still felt like he was making excuses for his behavior. His pen hovered above his skin, trying to decide what else to write, when all of it disappeared. Victor’s soulmate had washed all of the writing left, all that was left was gray smudges.
“You’re a skater?” Victor breathed a sigh of relief. His soulmate wasn’t erasing their conversation, just making room. He was particularly glad that he had led with that statement, it had caught his soulmate’s interest apparently.
“Yes. Are you a fan?” Victor cringed as the question but it seemed like a reasonable thing to ask. Maybe his soulmate would know who he was. That made him feel vain.
“I’m a skater.” Victor sucked in a breath. His soulmate was a skater. All this time, could he have been that close by? “Are you anyone I would recognize?” Suddenly, Victor didn’t like the idea that his soulmate might know who he was. Most of his competitors had rejected him, found him too busy or caught up in his own life to want to be friends with him. The thought that his soulmate could be one of them concerned him.
Victor considered his options. If he said ‘no’ then he would seem arrogant when they found out who he was because it was a complete lie. But if did say who he was, his soulmate might have misconceptions about his because of the media or rumors that his competitors spread about him. “Possibly.” That seemed like the best choice though it still seemed on the side of arrogance to him.
“Who?” Well that didn’t leave him with any options. It was lie or face the truth now. His soulmate would find out who he was eventually. It might as well be now.
“It’s Victor.” He leaned back against the couch with his eyes closed, focused on his breathing. This was the first time he had been so concerned about what someone thought of him. Despite his competitors’ constant rejections, Victor had never let it bother him.
“Victor Nikiforov?” The writing was shakier than he had been previously.
“Yes.” Victor took in a deep breath, unsure of where this was going to end up. There was no response for a few minutes and he began to worry. “Is that a problem?” He knew he shouldn’t push it but now that his identity was out there, he wanted to know what his soulmate thought of him. Still there was no response. His stomach sank the longer he waited in silence. Maybe the media’s portrayal of him had ruined any chance he ever had with his soulmate. The tears welled up in his eyes again and fell freely over his face. Victor dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. None of this was what he expected from today. All he wanted to do was connect with his soulmate finally. But that seemed futile now.
“We’ve met before.” Victor was unsure how long the words were there before he noticed them but his breath caught in his throat the moment he caught sight of them. “I’m a skater. We met last year but you didn’t even realize I was a competitor.” His obliviousness had cost him more than he even knew. The media wasn’t even causing this, he had done this himself. He had met his soulmate and didn’t even remember it, didn’t even know who they were. He hadn’t even recognized him as a competitor, he really didn’t deserve them. Then the words were rubbed clean from his skin again, replaced by a single sentence. “I didn’t expect you to, I’m not that well known.” Oh, that was expected. He felt like his soulmate was trying to placate him, maybe make him feel better about being so self-centered.
Victor felt horrible. His soulmate felt like even his competitors shouldn’t recognize him, just because he wasn’t as well-known as a consecutive gold-medalist. That wasn’t exactly a fair standard to measure yourself by. And he was no better than any other skater who made him feel like that. He wanted to wipe the words away and his doubts along with them. But first, he needed to apologize for his own rudeness. Then find out who his soulmate was, it felt so unbalanced that they knew who he was but he still had no idea who they were.
“I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you. That was unfair to you as a competitor. You deserve more respect than that.” His apology sounded forced but it was sincere. Victor knew he was often too wrapped up in himself and his routines, he never stopped to consider how it might hurt others.
“It didn’t feel great but I wasn’t upset. I expected it.” Victor groaned. His soulmate expected that from him, they didn’t even think Victor would recognize them as a competitor. “You took a photo with me.” Victor wanted to scream. He had been so close to his soulmate and had no idea, it would be impossible to figure out who it was just from that. He took pictures with so many people, fans and competitors alike.
“I’m an idiot.” It felt like the most honest thing he had said all night. He had made everything more complicated and hurtful than it ever had to be with his stupidity. By pushing his soulmate away for years, he had missed so many opportunities. His excuses that he would have to explain his life as a figure skater were useless, his soulmate was in the same profession that he was. All those years, he could have faced his competitions with his soulmate at his side. “I know I don’t deserve it, but I want to know you. I want a second chance.”
“We could start fresh.” The response took him by surprise, Victor didn’t actually expect his soulmate to indulge his wish. But he wasn’t going to pass up the offer.
“I would like that.” Victor bit his lip as he waited for a response. He felt more optimistic than he ever had before.
“You had to do something first.”
“Anything.” He meant it. At this point, Victor was willing to do anything for the chance to know his soulmate. He wasn’t going to let this second chance get wasted.
“Find me on social media. We’ve competed against each multiple times.” A smiley face appeared next to the message. Victor could only gape at his arm, disbelieving. “You have an hour.” Belatedly, Victor realized that if they were a competitor, they were male. His face flushed at the thought, he certainly wasn’t going to complain.
After a few minutes in a daze, allowing things to sink in, he got to work. Jumping off the floor, he groaned as his whole body protested. He had been sitting on the floor for far too long, caught up in the conversation and not realizing the harm it would cause to his aging body. Victor searched for his phone, realizing that every moment that slipped by was less time to figure out who his soulmate was. Though the pool was narrowed considerably now.
Raking his brain, there were only a few real possibilities. For the first time, he felt thankful that so many of his competitors had found their soulmates already. There were only a few Japanese skaters he had competed against, especially multiple times. As soon as he started to pull up Japanese competitors, he realized who it had to be.
Yuuri Katsuki. It didn’t take long to find his social media, though he found them mostly bare. There were a few official posts and things that appeared to have been posted by a friend. Victor followed all of the accounts he could find and decided Twitter would be the easiest one to message him on until he could hopefully procure an easier way to communicate.
“Did I do alright?” Glancing at the time, it had only take about half the time to find him. He sincerely hoped he was right or he would feel incredibly foolish.
“I’m surprised you figured it out at all.” Ouch. Though he couldn’t blame his soulmate, they had probably met multiple times over the years and he had never recognized him. But now he knew, Yuuri Katsuki. He finally knew who his soulmate was. Then it dawned on him, he really was the worst sort of person. Yuuri had gotten bronze during the Grand Prix Finals and Victor couldn’t remember talking to him. He had a lot to make up to his soulmate.
“Now what?” Victor wanted to let Yuuri set the pace for things since he had ruined things so thoroughly for them already. He also feared he would push too much and too soon. Now that he had found his soulmate, he didn’t want to risk losing them for good.
“I don’t know. I honestly didn’t expect to talk to you again.” Victor’s heart sank.
“Are you disappointed?” Victor locked his phone and took a few calming breaths.
“How could I be disappointed by you?” His breath caught in his throat, the response caught him by surprise. But Victor couldn’t help but wonder if Yuuri felt that way because of who he was. Yuuri didn’t really know him but he supposed he should be thankful that his reputation and previous treatment of him hadn’t soured his soulmate’s opinion of him completely.
“Most would be.”
“Do you promise not to judge me?” Victor’s brows furrowed at the question, it seemed out of place in the conversation.
“I promise.” Only a few minutes later he received a video file. When he pressed play, his mouth dropped open. Victor wasn’t sure what he was expecting but it certainly wasn’t this. Hastily, he turned the volume up to the max level and restarted the video. Barely audible, he could hear Yuuri say, “And here you can see all my shame.” His room was covered in posters, all of them were of Victor. While Victor knew he was a fan, this was more than he had expected; not that he minded in the slightest. He wanted to cry from happiness. Despite how horrible he had been to Yuuri as competitor and despite all the things the media said about him, Yuuri was still liked him enough to surround himself in posters of Victor.
“Please don’t be ashamed of it. I can’t believe you still supported me after I was so rude to you.” Victor didn’t deserve anything from him, not as his competitor and certainly not as his soulmate. “Your voice is adorable.” Victor wasn’t even sure if Yuuri realized his voice was audible in the video but he really did have such a cute voice. He wanted to hear it person.
“I’ve been watching you skate since I was a child. You’re the reason I started skating.” The tears were flowing freely now as Victor’s hand come up to cover his mouth, he couldn’t believe any of this was real. “Sorry. That was too much.” Then all of the words were scrubbed away.
“No! I just didn’t know how to respond. I don’t deserve your admiration.” It was the truth, even if it was self-deprecating. Victor had never felt like this before. His soulmate was unreal in his kindness, forgiving even when Victor didn’t remotely deserve it. Yuuri was the most pure person he had ever spoken to before. And he was lucky enough to have him as a soulmate.
“It feels surreal to talk to you.” Victor winced, they had spoken before even if he couldn’t remember the conversation. He couldn’t help but wonder what he had been like. “I mean like this.” Yuuri completely ignored what he said, it probably made him uncomfortable. Everything he saw about him online said he was modest, even to the point of putting himself down in favor of others. “I’m sure I’ll regret embarrassing myself like this but it only feels fair to tell you I’ve had a crush on you for as long as I can remember, if the posters weren’t telling enough.” Victor’s face flushed. He hadn’t actually assumed that from the posters. Admiration he had expected but a crush he had not, but it was most welcome. Yuuri had so much time to develop feelings for Victor, even if he didn’t know that they were soulmates. He squashed the feeling of unfairness welling up, it was his own fault that he didn’t have the same time. But he had the time going forward.
“I wish I could talk to you in person, its hard like this.” Now that he knew who his soulmate was, Victor wanted to see them immediately. He felt bad for changing the subject abruptly but he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t reciprocate the feelings and anything he could say in response didn’t seem adequate. Victor hoped that Yuuri didn’t think he was brushing off the confession.
“Maybe tomorrow.” Victor breathed a sigh of relief. Tomorrow he might get to see his soulmate’s face, see their reactions when they spoke. It all felt unreal. “I have a special practice tomorrow so I have to go.”
Just like that, the conversation was over. Belatedly, Victor realized that he should head to bed as well. The evening had slipped away from him as he spoke to Yuuri. Morning practice would be hell but it was well worth the loss of sleep to finally talk to his soulmate, to find out who they were, and to reach a good point with them. Victor fell asleep with a smile on his face for the first time in years. It felt like the void was starting to fill.