Chapter Text
The bed felt big, cold. Jongin laid still pretending that he did know the reason why there was a void in his heart, why he felt so empty and small in the kings sized bed. Even the silk sheets couldn't comfort him, all they did was hold half a smell of someone who used to lay beside him, Who used to hold him and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. King sized beds aren't made for one person, Jongin decided.
Jongin reached his hand out to the left, his hand meeting the softness of the covers but it's not what he wanted. He wanted to feel him; a body or something warm. The bedsheets were cold, there was no one there. His hand laid limply across the bed as he watched the rain spit against the window, a calming noise which still wasn't loud enough to block his non-stop thoughts. His alarm went off, another night with only a few hours sleep.
Being so tired that it becomes hard to remember basic things became a good thing; running on three hours sleep a night meant Jongin was too busy feeling tired to be feeling upset, angry, worried or any other emotion. Just tired.
Soon enough he had dragged himself out of bed and got himself ready for work, another day where he could just pretend that nothing really happened. The rain poured hardly against his shoulders, he was angry at himself for not picking up his umbrella but he guessed he deserved these hard hits on his body. Standing still, he let the rain pour down onto him. Tilting his head towards the sky, imagining what life would be like if he never lost his other half.
It had been a month since Oh Sehun left Kim Jongin.
Jongin had become sensitive since that day, songs on the radio always seemed to remind him of Sehun but it never felt the same. Any love song sent pain in his heart yet any sad song did too. Nothing felt the same anymore. Maybe it because Jongin spent his whole life beside Sehun and not being near him took a toll on him, Maybe it's that Jongin still had too many feelings for the other. He didn't know.
When his friends asked about Sehun, Jongin winced. In all honesty it broke his heart a little more when the word 'Sehun' was spoken around him. Even if it was just a "Have you spoken to Sehun?", Jongin couldn't handle it really, because he didn't know anything about Sehun anymore. Ever since the night Sehun told him that he was leaving, Jongin wasn't sure of his whereabouts and his wellbeing.
Opening the door to his office he thought, maybe he was just too dumb and young to realise that he should've done more; buy flowers and held his hand more. Just taking a few more hours off of work so he could see Sehun once in a while, but now he doesn't have the chance to do that. The office door slammed behind him and Jongin leant on it, he sunk to the floor. He wondered if Sehun was still dancing like he used to do, if he still danced with that amazing smile or if it was replaced with something more cold, more dejected. Jongin thought about if Sehun was dancing with someone else, that the times they spent dancing lazily in the living room which was filled with giggles and soft compliments, meant nothing now. He didn't know.
Before anyone noticed Jongin having another breakdown, he stood up and moved to the black leather chair which stood beside his desk. He knew better than to start working until he wasn't such a mess, but this lead him to think about how it was all his fault that Sehun left him. His needs and selfish ways caused the best thing to happen to him to walk out of his life. Jongin's eyes slammed shut as his fist banged the table, making the few things on his desk shake and bounce of the desk slightly. It haunted him that he will never be able to clean the mess that he made, and now he was stuck with the guilt.
Although it hurts, Jongin could admit that he was most definitely the one in the wrong. Jongin also knew he was too late to apologise for all his mistakes, he was too late and there was nothing he could do about it. All he could do was let Sehun live happily, and all he wants is for Sehun to be happy, even if that is without him.
The side of Jongin's hand throbbed but it was okay, it didn't hurt enough for him not to pick up his pen and begin to write. Jongin marked things that he had lost interest a long time ago, none of the words on the piece of paper meaning anything to him. Marking and marking and marking became repetitive and easy to block out anything else until he was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Come in", Jongin's voice sounded quiet and small. Not like his usual voice which could fill a whole room, not this time.
His secretary had made his way into the room, only a few inches from the door which was left open. "Mr. Kim, there is a man who wants to talk to you. He said it's urgent."
Jongin looked confused at the man, "Did he say a name Kyungsoo?"
"No, just that he needs to see you urgently. I can tell him to leave a-"
"No, it's fine. Just send them in now", Jongin interrupted. He wasn't not in the mood, Jongin would rather just get this over and done with rather than postpone it.
"Okay Mr. Kim, I will bring him now", Kyungsoo nodded and left, shutting the door behind him.
Jongin removed the glasses off the bridge of his nose, placing them on his desk on top of the sheets he was looking through. Then, the door opened and his heart didn't know wether to stop or to beat uncountably. Jongin stood up as quick as possible, looking dumbfoundedly at the man in front of him.
"It's been a while, Jongin", Sehun's voice sounding as deep as it used to.
It took Jongin a few moments to realise that it really was him, not just some imagination of what he wished would happen. It was real. "It has- its been some time", couldn't get the words out. "Please- Sit."
Sehun shot a small smile before dipping his head and making his way to the chair in front of the desk, sitting down and then up straight. Jongin couldn't believe how good he looked, he knew he always looked amazing but he was taken aback. Sehun was dressed in a plain white button up shirt, simple black trousers but somehow he looked like perfection. His dark hair was now a blonde, styled up which was different to his usual floppy fringe.
"You look well", Jongin just about made up, his voice now feeling too big for the room yet not strong enough to cut the tension.
"You don't, you look a bit dead", Sehun half joked. Jongin guessed he could tell he wasn't doing as well as him.
"Only bit dead", Jongin continued the joke. "How have you been?"
"Can we speak frankly?", Sehun answered the question with a question.
"There's no other way we can talk", Jongin nodded once.
"I've been, not my best", Sehun started the sentence with a frown, something that should've hurt Jongin but he didn't get time to. Once he had finished speaking it was replaced with a smirk, "But it seems I wasn't on my own with that feeling."
Jongin laughed a little, the tension fading a bit. "You could say that."
"I just wanted to come in and-I- I guessed that I just wanted know how you've been", Sehun seemed as speechless as Jongin. "It feels weird not seeing you everyday."
"It is nice to see you, there's been so many things I've wanted to say to you-"
"There's some things I need to tell you too", Sehun interrupted. Jongin noticed how Sehun began to play with his hands which he only did when he was nervous, or needed to get something off his chest.
"You can go first", In all honesty Jongin was just happy to hear his voice again, he never wanted it to leave.
"You can go first, since you said it first", Sehun made eye contact with Jongin, then coward away from it.
"Okay", Jongin took a deep breath in, he had been waiting for this chance since the moment Sehun left the apartment that night. "I know I'm probably much too late to try and apologize for my mistakes. I was such an asshole to you and I can't believe I treated you that way, I shouldn't of ever hurt you like I did"
Suddenly, the floor became really interesting to Sehun, his head hanging low.
"I just want you to know, I still love you, I love you more than words I could possibly say and I should of never let you believe otherwise. There has been nothing more since that night I wanted more just to be by your side again, if you could give me the chance-"
"I should have gone first", Jongin was interrupted again. "I'm flattered, honestly. But the reason I came here today was not to-" He paused to think of the right words, Jongin knew exactly where this was going, and he began to crumble down. "I wanted closure, I wanted to finally say goodbye to you, to us. It's been hard to- move on because you still are stuck in here", Sehun pointed to his chest. "I can't get you out and I don't know if that's because I loved you or if you just hurt me enough to leave a mark on my heart."
"Sehun I'm so sorry-"
"I know you are", Sehun nodded, bringing his head up and not breaking the eye contact with Jongin. "Believe me, I know how sorry you are. I just can't get back with you, though."
Jongin had to bite his lip to hold back the sobs, squeezing his fists so hard his nails begun to dig into his palm.
"I just wanted to tell you, I don't know why", Sehun mumbles. "I am trying to moving on."
Jongin could only manage a nod.
"I just-", Sehun had made his damage.
"I get it, you needed to tell me", Jongin's voice blunt and harsh in a way which Sehun had never heard before edged out his throat.
"I'm sorry", Sehun stood from the chair. "I will excuse myself."
"Wait", Jongin stood up too, the chair being pushed behind him and banging on the draw behind him. "Sehun-"
"What, Jongin?", Sehun turned back to Jongin, tears welling in his eyes like they did the first time he left him.
"I-I hope he does all the things I didn't do", Jongin let tears fall from his eyes, using his sleeve to wipe them away roughly. "I hope he buys you flowers because I never did, and I hope he holds your and is there for you when you need him. I hope he takes you anywhere you want to go like I didn't, I hope he dances just as well as we did and loves you just as much I do", Jongin paused to hiccup and breathe once. "I should've done all these things when I was your man, I should've been there for you when I was yours."
The room fell silent, both of them just staring at each other as the tears fell from each pair of eyes. Jongin cried loudly, Sehun let he tears fall silently. It got too much for Jongin, he collapsed onto his chair and let back into it, how stupid was he to think he even had a chance of being back with the person he loved most.
"Goodbye, Kim Jongin", Sehun looked once more at Jongin, then turned his back on him. His hand reached for the door and just like that he was gone.