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“I don’t know what I’m doing, Iz. I can’t stop thinking about him, but I can’t bewith him either. My entire life will fall apart if everyone knows the truth.” Alec paced back and forth, his fingers pulling at where they were weaved in his hair. They had been talking about this for the past ten minutes, and he felt like he was close to losing his mind.
“You don’t know that, Alec. The Clave will get over it, and so will mom and dad. You’ll be giving up your life and any chance of happiness if you do marry her. You don’t love her, and you never will. But it’s clear as day that you have feelings for Magnus, and he reciprocates those feelings. You can’t keep living by the Clave’s every preference. You have your own emotions, and you shouldn’t have to ignore them just because others don’t like them.” Isabelle was giving him one of her sympathetic looks, and he hated it. He hated that he knew she was right, and he hated himself for being so afraid.
“What if it isn’t even worth it? What if he’s really like all of the rumors that circulate about him and I end up looking like an idiot?”
“He’s not and you know it. You know him, better than I do. Do you really trust a Clave file over your own heart, Alec?”
Alec stopped pacing then. Something about that question pierced right through his logic, and his heart felt like it was dropping. He was about to reply, to try to salvage what he had left of his excuses, but then a cough sounded from the doorway. He turned to see Magnus standing there, a carefully blank expression on his face, and Alec wished he could disappear into thin air. Isabelle stood up then, placing a hand on Alec’s shoulder for a moment before she left them alone. Magnus walked into the room, and Alec shut the door behind him, his heart racing. They were silent for a few moments, until Alec couldn’t take it anymore.
“How much of that did you hear?” He asked quietly. Magnus faced away from him, studying the blank wall of Alec’s room as he answered.
“I tuned out after you began speculating whether or not I’m really a lothario,” he said, feigning nonchalance despite the fact that he was clearly upset.
“Magnus-”
“It fine, Alexander. Really. I should have known better than to assume that you could think past the Clave’s opinion of me.” Magnus’ shoulders were tense, and it made Alec’s insides twist uncomfortably.
He shook his head even though Magnus couldn’t see him, squeezing his fingers together as he tried to come up with a way to convey how he felt. He had never been good with words to begin with, and he was especially incoherent around Magnus.
“Please, Magnus. Just- can you look at me?” He didn’t know why he needed it. Maybe because Magnus’ warm brown eyes grounded him. Or maybe because they made him feel even more lost, and at least then he wouldn’t be trapped in the strict confines of his mind. Magnus turned, their gazes met, and the reaction was immediate. Alec took a step closer, cautious but determined, and Magnus didn’t flinch, which he took as a good sign.
“I haven’t been very kind to you lately. I know that, and I’m sorry. It’s just when I’m around you- you make me want things I can’t have.”
Magnus looked surprised, but he showed no signs of anger- to Alec’s immense relief. He opened his mouth, but quickly shut it and shook his head, his gaze dropping to the ground. He reached forward suddenly, grabbing Alec’s hand.
“The only thing that’s stopping you from having those things is you, Alexander. Not the Clave, and not your parents. You,” he said softly, without any accusation. A gentle squeeze of fingers, one last glance, and then he was gone, leaving Alec with a heart full of questions and only one clear answer.