Chapter Text
Jungkook stands in line, reciting his order over and over until it becomes a mantra in his head.
He can do this.
His heart beats faster with every step forward. He tries to calm himself, taking a few deep breaths, but all too soon, the barista is calling him over, a bright smile on her face.
He attempts to smile back and move forward but his feet suddenly feel numb.
He can’t do it.
He’s about to turn and run when a gentle hand comes to rest on his back, right between his shoulder blades.
Jimin.
That’s right, Jimin is there with him.
He leans back against the comforting touch for a second, gathering the strength he needs to move forward. His anxiety became just the slightest bit more bearable when Jimin was around.
“Hello! What can I get for you?” The barista smiles brightly at him; she seems nice but Jungkook’s always more nervous around friendly people because they’re so talkative and he never knows what to say to them.
He recites his order and smiles proudly at himself when the words finally leave his mouth without any issues.
“Oh, sorry,” she says, making Jungkook’s smile fade, “We’re out of caramel. Would you like a different flavor?”
His eyes fly up to the menu in panic, searching for his options, but the barista’s stare is making him sweat so he blurts out the first flavor that comes to mind. “Hazelnut.”
He hates hazelnut.
She nods, picking up a cup.
“Can I have your name?”
“Jungkook.”
The barista looks down at the cup as she writes his name and Jungkook takes that opportunity to uncurl his sweaty palm, placing the coins on the counter as he straightens out the damp bills. He’d counted the exact change earlier.
“Hey!” the barista says suddenly, looking back up at him.
Jungkook’s heart drops, his eyes widening. Please don’t.
“Yes?” Despite the turmoil in his mind, his voice miraculously doesn’t waver.
“Your shirt is nice,” she chirps. “Where did you buy it?”
Jungkook looks down at his old, faded and completely unappealing shirt. Is she being sarcastic? Is she mocking his shirt? Is this a joke? He considers laughing for a second but there’s a chance that she’s being serious and actually wants to know where he bought his shirt. But if it isn’t a joke, she expects an answer and Jungkook can’t remember where he got his shirt. His mind races and he knows that with every passing second, the situation is just getting worse. His face begins to burn with embarrassment as he wracks his mind, trying to formulate a response. Jungkook’s hands tremble and a ball forms in his throat, making it impossible for him to speak. He knows that if he tries to say something, his voice will fail him and he’s painfully aware that everyone can see his red face right now.
The people in line probably hate him for taking so long; he can feel their eyes on him, their gaze making his skin itch.
Jungkook’s stomach churns. He feels sick.
He looks back at the barista who is staring at him oddly now. “It’s okay if you don’t remember.”
Jungkook attempts to apologize, but his voice cracks and he wants to die.
“Hey, it’s okay,” she says warily, but it’s not okay. Nothing is okay. His heart hammers violently in his chest, drowning out the sounds around him and his hands shake from he’s gripping the counter tightly. Tears prickle his eyes as icy, shame washes over him.
And just like every other time when Jungkook is ready to give in and run, Jimin appears at his side to save him.
“Hey, Jungkook,” he says, moving to stand next to him. “Didn’t I get you that shirt last Christmas in Busan?” His voice is soothing and welcoming, dispensing some of the heavy tension in the air and pulling the attention away from Jungkook.
Jungkook nods, even though it isn’t true.
His boyfriend turns to the barista, an easy smile on his face, “I got him that shirt in some little shop in our hometown but I don’t remember the name, sorry.”
“Oh, that perfectly okay,” she laughs, completely won over by that beautiful eye smile and gentle voice.
He wishes for the millionth time that he could be more like Jimin. Everyone loves him and he has no trouble speaking to strangers and making friends. Maybe that was why Jungkook had been so drawn to him in the first place. Jimin makes him feel at ease and even when they first met, Jungkook hadn’t been terrified. Conversation came easy to him, and Jungkook didn’t feel awkward or pathetic when they talked.
They had met at a party his first year of college. Jungkook hated parties, but he wanted to be normal for once. He’d been feeling like he was missing out on the wild college experience everyone spoke so fondly of so he had tagged along with his roommate to some random house party.
Jungkook feels uncomfortable and out of place at the party. His roommate ditched him as soon as they arrived but Jungkook understands. Who would want to hang out with a loser like him?
He tried talking to a few classmates he recognized, earlier, but he had made a complete fool of himself. It was obvious that he’d made them uncomfortable with his awkward behavior. He tried cracking a joke but their laughs had been forced and he’d been mortified in the end.
That was nearly an hour ago but Jungkook still hasn’t recovered. Tears of frustration threaten to spill from his eyes. Why is he so awkward and unpleasant to be around? Why can’t he be normal? Why can’t he have friends like everyone else? Jungkook just wants to fit in for once in his life. He wants to have friends that will love and support him. He feels so isolated and lonely; even when he’s in a room surrounded by people, he still feels so empty. Jungkook sees everyone around him talking and laughing with each other, completely careless. He wants that so badly.
The knots in his stomach twist violently as he sits at an empty couch and sips his beer until it goes lukewarm. He wants to go home but his roommate was his ride here. He considers calling for a ride but the thought of making small talk with the driver the entire way home terrifies him. He has nobody that would be willing to pick him up except his parents, but Jungkook didn’t want them to know how pathetic he is. How disappointed would they be if they had to pick up their college-aged son from a party?
Suddenly, someone plops down on the couch next to him, interrupting his inner turmoil.
Jungkook recognizes him right away. Park Jimin.
He doesn’t personally know the third year student but Jimin is well known at their university and Jungkook would be lying if he says he hasn’t admired the older boy from afar.
Jimin groans as he threw his head back against the cushions, eyes falling closed.
Jungkook can’t help but stare at him. Jimin is beautiful, his pretty lashes resting against rosy cheeks. Plump lips, a little swollen, as if he had just been making out with someone. His dark hair is messy, fringe sticking to his sweaty forehead. His low cut shirt shows his prominent collarbones and the smooth, skin of his chest.
“You’re staring,” he says suddenly, making Jungkook startle. Jimin’s dark eyes flutter open, before settling on him. “It’s okay,” a little smirk appears on his face. “I like it.”
And just like that, Jungkook was gone for him.
They had talked for a while and Jungkook’s heart had been pounding in his chest the entire time but it wasn’t the kind that made him fall into shame and self-loathing. Instead, it was the kind that made his heart swell and his whole body feels warm with excitement. Jimin made him feel special like he actually mattered. It was new, exciting and Jungkook clung to it.
Jungkook thinks, now, that maybe that was his demise.
“Do you want to get out of here?” Jimin had asked, eyes hooded, full of intent and promises.
Jungkook had known what was happening and although he was a virgin at that time, with zero sexual experience, he had agreed without hesitation.
Jimin had laughed at his eagerness, but he took his hand, leading him out of the house and Jungkook had felt a few eyes follow them but he was surprised to find that he didn’t care. That night he felt as if he was in a bubble, protected from the outside world.
Jimin had led him to his apartment, just down the block. They had kissed in Jimin’s dark living room; it was heated, messy, and Jungkook loved every second of it. He pressed Jimin against the wall and touched him with confidence he hadn’t known he even possessed.
But when Jungkook had tugged at Jimin’s clothes, desperate to see more of the boy, Jimin had stopped him.
“Wait! Fuck, wait,” Jimin says breathlessly as he pulls away.
Jungkook freezes, panicked, “S-sorry! Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry I-- You didn’t like it?” His face burns. He pulls away in embarrassment, attempting to button his shirt with shaky fingers.
“No! It’s not that.” Jimin clasps Jungkook’s shaking hands between his own. “You were perfect.”
Jungkook should have left the lights off; Jimin probably saw him in the harsh lighting and deemed him too ugly. “Am I unattractive?”
Jimin stares at him for a second, mouth parting. “Are you serious?”
“What?” Jungkook asks, self consciously, trying to pull away.
“Jungkook, you’re fucking hot!”
He splutters, “No I’m not! Y- you don’t have to lie to me.”
“I can’t believe you! You’re so…” His eyes trail over Jungkook’s body, lingering where his shirt had fallen open.
“I’m so what?”
Jimin motions at his body, cheeks going pink. “You’re all muscular! And your thighs.. and arms. Your jaw! Everything!”
Jungkook doesn’t believe him. “Then why did you want to stop?”
Jimin groans, moving to sit on the hand rest of his couch. “I just wanted to talk to you!”
The confusion must show on his face because Jimin elaborates. “Earlier at the party, I saw you and I wanted to get to know you because I’ve seen you around campus and I thought you were pretty cute.
I always see you on my way to practice. You like to sit in the grassy area by the pond. God, I sound like a creep.”
Jungkook’s mind comes to a halt. Jimin knew who he was? “Why did you make a move on me?”
“I was just flirting! I didn’t mean for it to go this far. You’re just so, hot!”
Jungkook shakes his head in disbelief, trying to comprehend what Jimin was saying. “So you don’t want this?”
“I do.” Jimin glances down at his lap. “Just, maybe… Let’s go on a date first?”
They ended up watching some film on Jimin’s couch until the older boy had passed out with his head rested on Jungkook’s shoulder.
It was strange and Jungkook didn’t know what to make of it but he drifted off soon after, thoughts of the beautiful boy next to him lulling him to sleep.
The next morning Jungkook woke up a little sore because of his sleeping position, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care, not when he’d woken up to the sweet smell of coffee, and the sweeter sight of Jimin’s toothy smile and bed head.
“Morning, baby,” Jimin had said, pressing a warm cup into his hands.
Their relationship developed slowly but surely.
Jungkook found it hard to believe at first that someone as amazing as Jimin could love someone like him.
But Jimin proved it every day. He was very patient with Jungkook. He knew about his struggles and was always there for him. Like some kind of angel, he was always swooping in, saving Jungkook from difficult situations.
Like now, for instance. Jungkook stands awkwardly at Jimin’s side as his boyfriend saves him yet again.
Jimin orders both his and Jungkook’s drinks; he’d offered to do it earlier but Jungkook had been an idiot, thinking he could do it by himself.
The barista laughs at some joke Jimin tells and Jungkook knows he’s doing his best to divert the attention away from him. Usually, he’d be grateful but today Jungkook just feels horrible. He had told Jimin he could do it on his own. He’d been so confident, but he should have known that he’d fail, and Jimin would need to save him again.
He is a grown adult who can’t even order his own damn coffee. Pathetic.
He leaves Jimin’s side in search of a seat, picking a quiet corner away from people. Jimin joins him a few moments later, plopping down next to him.
“You okay?” he asks, worried eyes searching Jungkook’s own ones.
“I’m fine.” He isn’t. He really isn’t. His hands are still shaking but he hides them under the table.
“It’s okay, baby. You’re getting better with every passing day.” Jimin smiles so brightly that it’s blinding.
Jungkook isn’t getting better. Every day he hates himself more. Every single day life becomes even harder to live.
For Jimin’s sake he pretends that his anxiety is getting better; he lies a lot about it too. Jungkook feels terrible but he can’t bear to tell him the truth. “I know. She caught me off guard, that is all,” he explains. “I’ll handle it better next time.” He knows he won’t. He’ll just have to make sure it doesn’t happen in front on Jimin.
“I know you will,” Jimin says, kissing his cheek.
Jungkook flinches, and he hopes Jimin doesn’t notice. He glances around the coffee shop, wondering how many people had seen. Jungkook hated that he cared; the opinions of random strangers shouldn’t matter. Of all the things he hated about himself, his sexuality was not one of them… but those judging eyes were Jungkook’s biggest fear, and whenever Jimin showed his affection in public, there were always those looks that burned through him.
But he pretends that everything is okay. He tells his loved ones about his fake progress and smiles when he’s supposed to. He lets Jimin kiss him in public because he knows it would hurt him if he doesn’t. He orders pizza online, but tells Jimin he called instead. He tells Jimin that that work is going well, but in reality, his manager just sends him in the back of the store to organize boxes and wipe shelves because that’s all he’s good for. Jungkook thinks he’ll probably work there forever because he’ll never land a well-paying job after college. Who would want to hire him?
The barista calls out their order and Jungkook waits for Jimin at the door while he picks up their coffee. He doesn’t miss when the pretty, barista slips Jimin a piece of paper.
Jungkook holds open the door for Jimin as he hands him his drink.
They walk to the car and Jungkook sees Jimin discreetly crumple the paper and throw in a trash bin.
, Of course, Jimin is loyal to him but Jungkook couldn’t help but think Jimin deserved someone like the barista; someone who was cheerful and outgoing like he was.
Someone who didn’t drag Jimin down as he did.
Last weekend, Jimin’s closest friend, Taehyung, had thrown an engagement dinner party that Jimin had been really excited about attending. It was supposed to be a special night for all of them but Jungkook just couldn’t bring himself to go.
Jungkook sat on the bathtub for a long while, willing for the knot in his heart to ease, but it doesn’t.
Jimin is all dressed up and ready to go when he finds Jungkook sitting in the cold tub.
“What are you doing?” he asks, turning off the freezing spray. “We’re running late.” He pulls a towel from the rack, holding it out for him. “Your suit is on the bed.”
“Jimin.”
Jimin starts rubbing the towel over his wet hair when Jungkook doesn’t move. “I know, I know. It’s nothing too flashy. I won’t make you wear a tie, I promise.”
“Jimin,” he says, again, pulling the towel from his face. “I don’t want to go.”
Jimin stands frozen for a few seconds before replying, “Jungkook, this is important. We have to go.”
“I can’t go. Please don’t make me go.”
“Jungkook…”
“You can go by yourself, hyung. Please go have fun, meet with all your friends. Congratulate Taehyung for me.”
Jimin sighs, pulling Jungkook out of the shower before wrapping the towel around his waist. “I’m not going to leave you like this.”
“Jimin, no! I’ll be fine. Please go.”
Jimin leaves the bathroom and for a second Jungkook thinks Jimin is really going to leave, and although that’s what he wants, the thought of spending the night alone with his thoughts make him panic. But Jimin comes back a few moments later, a pair of sweats and a hoodie in his arms.
“You’re cold,” he says, touching Jungkook’s bare shoulder. “Put this on.”
Jungkook pulls on his clothes as Jimin goes to change out of his suit.
He feels guilt, frustration and disappointment all at once. He always ruins everything.
“Jungkook,” he hears Jimin call from the bedroom, after a few minutes, “Come to bed.”
Jungkook walks to their bedroom and Jimin pulls him down to lie next to him. They face each other silently and Jungkook knows Jimin is upset although he doesn’t say anything.
“It’s okay, Jungkook,” he finally says, pulling him against his chest.
Jungkook buries his face into Jimin’s neck and cries silently.
It isn’t okay.
Jimin chats animatedly the entire ride home from the coffee shop knowing that it helps Jungkook with his anxiety. The cheerfulness in his voice has always been soothing to him, but at the moment Jungkook’s mind is plagued by all the times he’s failed him.
Jimin is too good for him. He’s known this from the start and although he hoped that one day he could be the person his boyfriend deserves, he realizes now that he will never be that person. He is always holding Jimin back, keeping him from enjoying his life.
Jimin had a certain lifestyle before Jungkook, everybody knew about it but Jungkook ruined it all for him. He knows he keeps his boyfriend from going out and enjoying his life like he wants. Jimin is an outgoing person who craves social interaction, while Jungkook likes the comfort and safety of his home, and limits his social interaction to his closest friends and family.
They say opposites attract but they never say they stay together because if Jimin is the sun, he is the moon and they can’t coexist. This knowledge roots itself deep inside his mind and spreads like thorny vines, coiling and shredding at the already jagged pieces of his soul.
Jimin is a beautiful person with a wonderful soul and Jungkook’s heart weighs heavy in his chest at what he has to do.
He needs to break up with Jimin.
He feels bile rise in his throat, and his stomach becomes uneasy at the thought.
“Do you want to go later?” Jimin’s voice pulls him from his thoughts.
“Where?”
Jimin frowns, glancing at Jungkook when they stop at a red light. “The new pizza place I was talking about.”
“Oh, sure.”
“Are you really okay?”
“Yes,” he lies. He hesitates for a second before leaning over to cradle Jimin’s face in his hand.
Jimin stares at him in question before Jungkook closes the distance between them and drops a kiss on Jimin’s lips. He knows it will be the last so he allows himself to linger on his soft lips for a few moments.
It’s selfish, considering what he’s going to do but he wants to see Jimin smile for him one last time.
Jimin blinks in surprise for a few seconds, but then he smiles, and it’s breathtaking. It’s a soft smile, the kind that makes his eyes shine with love and adoration.
Jungkook’s heart lurches in his chest, knowing that it’s meant just for him. As he stares into Jimin’s warm eyes, he can’t help but smile back. For one split second his resolve almost crumbles. Their love is so sweet, tender and unconditional. How can he say goodbye to something so beautiful?
But then, the light turns green and Jungkook sinks back into his seat, smile fading once Jimin looks away.
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the people you love.
When they get home he hurries to their room, picking up his school bag and dumping out the papers and books on the floor. He digs through his drawers, looking for clothes to take with him until he is able to return for everything else, his hands are shaking as he shoves a few belongings into his bag. He works quickly, mind focused solely on the task at hand but then he catches sight of the large bed he and Jimin had bought together.
“I’m telling you, we should look at the instructions.” Jimin grumbles, dropping a large piece of wood back on the floor.
Jungkook fiddles with a few screws, trying to figure out what goes where. “And I’m telling you we don’t need it.” He shoves a screw into a random hole and although it's a tight squeeze he tries to screw it on.
"Jungkook I don't think that goes there."
Jungkook is about to disagree but a second later he hears a small crack.
“You see!"
“Instructions are for losers, hyung.”
Jimin lies down on the fuzzy, carpeted floor of their bedroom, head resting on Jungkook’s lap. “But Jungkookie,” he whines, peering up him, “I’m bored and hungry. We’ve been at this for hours.”
Jungkook bites back a smile, trying to ignore Jimin’s petulant expression. “Acting cute isn’t going to work this time hyung. Plus it’s only been like ten minutes.”
Jimin rolls off him and Jungkook thinks he’s given up, but then Jimin comes behind him, hands resting on his waist.
“Jungkookie,” he whispers against his ear, “Don’t you want me to tie you to that beautiful mahogany frame and put our comfy new mattress to the test?”
Jungkook had rushed to retrieve the instruction manual from where he had hidden it so quickly that he almost tripped over a piece of wood.
He feels like he’s going to be sick recounting such a fond memory, knowing he will never get to have that again. He will never get to bicker and mess around with him, or hear his joyful laugh. He will never get to tell Jimin he loves him or kiss him good morning. He might never even get to see Jimin again. That thought is the worst.
Without a backward glance he leaves the room. He needs to be strong for once in his life.
Jimin is bustling around in the kitchen when he walks out. “You’re already leaving?” he asks when he sees him.
Jungkook can only nod, barely hearing Jimin over the pounding in his ears.
“Just wait a second, I’m making you lunch for work later.” He reaches for something in a high shelf, standing on the tips of his toes to retrieve it.
If this was like any other day, Jungkook would have teased him about his height, maybe kissed the resulting pout off his on his face, but this wasn’t like any other day. This was their last day.
“You really need to stop eating at that take out place,” Jimin scolds as he pours rice into a container.
He really doesn’t deserve Jimin.
“Jungkook, are you sure you’re okay?” he asks, turning to look at him. “You’ve been quiet.”
Jungkook opens his mouth to reply, but nothing comes out.
“What’s that?” Jimin asks, noticing the backpack. “You don’t have school today, do you?”
He shakes his head.
Jimin stops what he’s doing, putting down the cooking utensils. “Where are you going then? Don’t you have work in an hour?” He walks towards him, concern and worry clear on his face.
Jungkook feels tears prick at his eyes. “I’m leaving,” his voice cracks.
“Jungkook what…” he reaches for him, but Jungkook backs away. He tries and fails to ignore the flash of hurt on Jimin’s face.
“It’s over.”
“What is?” Jimin is scared now, the panic and fear etched on his beautiful face.
Jungkook closes his eyes, too weak to look Jimin in eye. “Us.”
Jimin is deathly silent for a few dreadful moments, and the tears finally pour from Jungkook’s eyes. He brushes them away roughly; he has no right to cry, not when he was the one destroying their relationship.
“Jungkook,” Jimin finally says, voice tight, “What do you mean?” His bottom lips trembles and Jungkook can tell that he’s trying his best to keep himself together. “Did I do something?”
Jungkook lets out a shaky breath. How could Jimin think that? “No, of course not, I--”
“Is it because I pressure you too much?” he cries. “Jungkook, I’m so sorry. I’ll try to be more patient! I know how hard it is for you. I’m sorry. I’ve been demanding too much haven’t I?” Jimin’s apologies become incoherent as he begins to sob. “I’m sorry Jungkook. Please. I’m so sorry.”
Jungkook’s heart breaks. Jimin’s done nothing wrong. His boyfriend is so patient, understanding and sweet even when Jungkook doesn’t deserve it. He loves him so much and seeing him cry and apologize is too much for him to bear. For a second he wonders if he is making the biggest mistake of his life but he doesn’t allow his mind to linger on that thought. It’s too late to turn back now.
“Jimin, please believe me when I say you did nothing wrong. I just…” he pauses, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “I don’t love you anymore.”
He’s never told a bigger lie in his life. He loves Jimin dearly, and with every passing day, he manages to fall even more for him. The words are cruel but he knows that Jimin won’t let him go if he knows the real reason behind his actions. He is so good he would fight for their relationship even if it hurts him.
It takes a few moments for Jimin to fully comprehend, but Jungkook sees the exact second his heart shatters.
He’s never hated himself more than he has at that moment.
“Jungkook,” Jimin cries, body shaking with each sob.
“I’m so sorry, Jimin,” he chokes out, and with a heavy heart, he leaves the man he loves sobbing in an empty apartment.
Jimin is finally free now.