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The gentle breeze of the ocean welcomes me. Surrounded by serenity, the country side stretched ahead. All green with strokes of yellow lining the horizon. What a view.
A path marked by trees stretches towards a hill. I start walking, my breaths loud in the stillness. Laboring under an invisible heat of a twilight sun. I open my robes, walk a while then take them off. I roll my shirt sleeves and let the air tingle my skin as I continue up the path. Heat on my cheeks, sweat on my temple. Ahead I can see a small cottage. Shabby and lonesome it stands, beckoning me to enter.
Soon I am so tired that I can barely walk. What seemed a short journey has become a labor uphill, one which my body seems to fight with every step. Why so tired? Why so weak? There is no simple answer. I haven't slept in months.
I reach the door and it is violet. I look behind me but the path has turned into a forest of green trees. The unnatural silence is strangely comforting, like being covered in heavy blankets in a warm bed on a cold winter night. I need this.
Without hesitation, I open the door with a gentle shove. It opens smoothly into a dark room. There is a table, a chair, a candle unlit on the windowsill. I look at the crumbling walls and as I turn around I see him.
The candle has been placed on the table, it is smoldering under his face. The flame throwing shadows that highlight his eyes, his mouth, his sharp teeth as he welcomes me. You were always a bastard I want to say. Always, you made yourself so familiar to me. You seeped into my skin, ate at my bones, spit at my eyes and bit at my neck, You are a monster. and I am one too for taking your mark in silence.
I lean back as casually as I can against the wall (my legs are about to give out) and fold my arms. He sights quietly and the candle goes out. We sit in the darkness for a time. Eventually I grow tired and sit on the floor, leaning my head against the wall. I keep my eyes open. “ Did you really think I would let you sleep?” he breaks the silence. His voice has the quality of filling every corner. Pretending to escape it is never wise. “ I wanted to sleep.” I retort simply and listen as he stands up and walks to me. I close my eyes for just one moment and when I open them he is towering above me.
“Stand up”. I stand and he waves his arms in a funny way. I see he has summoned a bow and arrow. I wait with no curiosity. Tom liked to play. He liked to slash my wrists with knives, pull at my hair and burn my fingers to see tears in my eyes. He enjoyed throwing me of high buildings and mountains only to hear me scream. He was fascinated with my reactions and always found inventive ways to test them.
I let him pull the bow and felt the arrow hit my shoulder.It hurt like crazy but I didn’t even wince. My mind was elsewhere tonight. Tom frowned and his lips pulled back to reveal teeth, in the dark they gleamed. He put the bow down on the table, his eyebrows tense and gestured me to sit down. I dropped into the chair and looked up at him. He was staring heavily as if waiting for something. I waited with him but it soon became clear Tom had abandoned his plans for tonight.
“You know today is the day?” He asked. He sounded far way almost as lost as I was. We both knew that today was different. “Yes” I nodded and then felt something bubble in my chest, shivering through my veins into a laughter that rose out of my lungs. I was hysteric. Eventually I had no more air in me to laugher or cry. Tom was looking at me with that same heavy tension. “Are you done?” He drawled out his words with malice. “ Yes…Sorry. I just remembered how all my life you told me that one day this will happen. How every time you wanted to frighten me you would say..”One day the Dark Lord will come for you and take you”. Toms face softened as if remembering a pleasant time “Oh yes and you shivered and cried at first: “Don’t let him make me! Please don’t!” He mocked me in a childlike voice. He wasn’t too far off.
I was just a child when Tom appeared, baring gifts, offering me candy. No one ever told me not to talk to strangers. So I filled my empty stomach with candy and hidden the colorful wrapping under my mattress. At night, when I was most alone I would take them out and wrap my fingers. The sound soothing to my ears. Tom disappeared for a time.Or at least so I thought. Now, looking back I know he was always there, always lurking and waiting for the right moment. He came in my fevers and dreams and took me with him. He never smiled and gone were the sweets. I always did what Tom wanted in my dreams. I would wake up with no mark on my body, no clear memory at first. As the years went by his presence has become so strong I always remembered his visits.
It wasn’t all bad. Or so I tell myself. One time, when I was ten Tom took me with him to see a land far away. “This is Marrakesh” was all he said. We flew above fields, stopping in a town full of colors and bustling crowds. The people never saw us, we walked among them. Tom scooped me up in his arms and I screamed as we flew into the open skies and sunlight. The city was beautiful from above. It was the best dream I ever had.
Tom always told me this day will come. One day the Dark Lord will come and collect me. He enjoyed whispering into my ear right before I woke ”One day you will be his”. Such a caressing whisper that would follow me all day. What was the point of doing anything? Why try? I always knew my days were numbered. I never belonged to anyone.
Then Hogwarts became home. I felt it and knew I belonged. Tom thought otherwise. Hogwarts was his and he made sure I knew it. He knew every corridor and secret room in the castle, he even had his own room underground.
That was the first and last time Tom tried to kill me. I came to save Ginny, her pale form on the floor. Tom was furious.
I saw him for what he really was. I stabbed and I stabbed. The day ended and my friends were safe. I thought I was never going to see him again. That night I found out how wrong I was. Tom made sure of it. Yet felt like I won. I knew there was no satisfaction in stabbing me. it was a hollow feeling, red with rage but empty. Most importantly, I knew he could not kill me just as I could not kill him.
I let my mind do this sometimes, run away. Tom grasps my arm painfully and I’m back. “ Would you like to see?” He asks.
I nod and he warps his hands so tightly around my neck I’m afraid I would choke. I hated choking more than anything. Believe me there is little comfort in knowing you will not die. As the air leaves my lungs I know that we are flying! Above the small cottage and into the night sky. We move so rapidly I shut my eyes against the wind. Tom’s hands let go of my neck and grasp my waist. We are going higher and higher and I can’t breath.
We land as ungently as we we took off. I look around and it is a field. Loud with sounds, alive unlike any dream. “Where are we?” I look at Tom and he leans his face towards my neck. I scream as he pulls out the arrow from my flesh, my shoulder burns. I realize he used his teeth. “ I will show you the Dark Lord in all his glory” he says as he spits the arrow on the ground, black blood dripping from red lips and staining his chin.
The sounds become louder and I notice we are standing above a valley. I take a few curious steps and all I can see is blackness. Then I notice the blackness is moving, like water it continues to stream out of the valley all the way south.
“ The Lord’s army is marching tonight ” Tom says so with such satisfaction. I can’t tell if he is marveling at my horror or is genuinely impressed. He sure is not joking. Thousands of solider are marching below. Marching towards Hogwarts, marching towards London. Marching to change the world. Before I can speak he comes. His presence is as all consuming as Tom’s. There ends the resemblance. The Dark Lord is Voldemort. He is the monster I was never brave enough to fight. As he appears before me he is nothing but a shadow too small to include all my life long fears. can one person truly be all that you fear and hate? Can one figure ever be large enough? The Dark Lord wasn’t. He was just a shadow of a man, dressed in billowing black robes. His bony hands held a wand like any wizard. I have never seen Tom use a wand.
“Hello my little treasures…I have allowed you to step out and see this glorious sight. Tonight the world will be mine. Magic will wash all over Britain and my power will be known by all.” I looked in confused awe as the Dark Lord laughed. The sound a dry coughing sound. Then he was gone as and all I could think of as the silence stretched, was that I never heard Tom laugh. I don't feel panic or rage. I just turn my head towards Tom and say “Where is the glory you promised?”
Tom looks genuinely surprised. His eyes blink, his eyelashes casting dark circles that make him appear older. “ He will rule the world”. He says it without passion. I drop to the moist earth and run my fingers though the grass in mounting anxiety. “He will take Hogwarts, wouldn't he?” Tom just arches his right eyebrow and continues to stare into the distance. I can't take it. “ You will let him take Hogwarts…Take our home?!” At this Tom’s head turns sharply. I just pant loud breaths into his face. I’m not good with controlling my words. “He is not glorious Tom! There is nothing about him that is and did you see he is using a..A wand!” Instead of bitting my head off at the outburst as I expected,Tom seems to find humor in my last words. “He is a wizard”. Unbelievable.
“What would he do with me?” At that Tom goes into his lecturing tone. Soft words that fit me with horror. “He will keep you safe from harm. He will lock you somewhere to make sure of it. You will likely never see the light. Never see another soul but his soul.” I always knew this.
“And what will he do with you?” Tom’s eyes widen in response. “ Excuse me?” I roll my eyes “You are like me aren't you?…A Horcrux?”
Suddenly, I feel very very trapped. Tom’s eyes don't let go of my face. He looks hungry and ready to hunt. I feel too numb to care. In swift steps Tom is stands so as to block the valley. It is just me and this burning eyes. “ Am I like you Harry Potter?” Against any good judgment I supposedly lacked to begin with I…Laugh. “ Yes Tom! You are like me. You will be trapped alone forever in a far away place…But don’t worry you will be kept perfectly safe.” Tom snarls and it is a magnificent rich sound. Before he can do anything I scratch my nails at his neck. I have always wanted to do this. The satisfaction is immediate and intoxicating. It pulls at something raw deep inside my chest. A ball so tight that as it unravels it takes over my mind. All I can feel is his heartbeat or is it my own?
“I will not be there in that place, no more bitting and kicking. No more Harry Potter for you little games”. My voice sounds strongly familiar to my ears. I sound like him. I feel the triumph fill my chest at Tom’s wide eyes and still form. But he is only still as the snake before a strike. I’m down on the ground his heavy weight on my legs. I breath heavily while Tom keeps my arms down. Oh how I want to scratch that face. Small pebbles are poking my wrists and the grass tickles my scalp. I feel free and unbelievably dense. I cease fighting and just let go. Tom looks suspicious and young. His dark hair falls in messy dark strands that cover his forehead. The vivid scratches on his neck look like a thunderbolt.
I move my shoulder and plead with my eyes. Curious, Tom let’s my right arm free. I slowly let my fingers reach his neck and trace the scratches. One, Two and three red lines. “I did this?” I don't realize I spoke aloud until I hear a quite “yes”. I shake my head and can’t speak…”No Tom. He did this…He did this to us.” Tom’s head falls back and he laughs, and it is glorious. It is the sound of power so thick it leaves nothing in its path. It is silky and warm like his skin under my searching fingers.
There is surprise and victory in his laugh. He doesn't know. I want to tell him but my curious eyes just keep watching. Tom pushes the hair out of his eyes. They are open and unyielding, never cold. “ You are power” I whisper. It is a shock. My shoulders shake and my heartbeat slows down only to fall into an erratic rhythm. Tom looks amused, I am most entraining tonight. He leans down to listen to my words. I say them again and in return hear his heartbeat. It must be his. It is slow and deliberate, never failing. “ What am I Harry Potter?” he asks and his voice burns, branding me to his will. He stretches his legs and spine, a true monster. Yet my answer comes unbidden “You are glorious”.
Now that Tom knows. There is little time for either of us. It is not my fear or burden. I know where I belong as his cruel fingers pull at my hair. I know where I belong as Tom comes alive in fluid movements. I lean up and he pushes me down. I sigh and he steals the breath from my lips. The earth is loud against my ears. Birds in the trees, a new day. His hands splay open fingered on my chest. Small brown ants marching across the rocks as soldiers do. Wet dew is cold against the warmth of lips. It is no different to our game. I take what he gives and he can never have enough. Only I feel myself fading. I am him one moment, my hips grinding against hardness. Desire scolding my skin. It feels like rage only so much better. The next I am on the ground, soaring higher in familiar metallic magic.
After that, it just is. There are no flashing memories or stars in my eyes. Tom is liquid as he moves against me. He pushes his hips against mine and I bite at his lower lip. He holds my hands down as he rides again me. I kiss his bare shoulder twice. He pulls his head back and closes his eyes. I watch. I want more. He is not having it. I’m left cold again as he pulls away. “Tom?”
He stands up but his eyes never leave me. I get up. The sky is burning in blue and orange.
Almost morning. I come to stand beside him. Shirtless and painfully aroused. I desire him. I desire to live and never die. I yearn to have his power and to make the world mine. Voldemort doesn’t deserve it.
Tom’s lips curl up and he looks peaceful. “Would you kill me one day?” I grin and watch his eyes carefully.
“The world will be ours today”. He leans his forehead against mine. I kiss his lips and swallow his proud sigh. We stand together.