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Raja’s breath was heavy with the taste of nicotine and her hair smelt vaguely of weed and whatever godawful alcoholic concoction Sharon had thrust upon her at their arrival, and that Raja had dropped and splashed on the floor. The two were sat in Manila’s bed, legs intertwined with the others, Raja’s head resting on Manila’s collarbone.
Manila’s been drinking but she’s not drunk, Raja’s been pretending to drink but not drinking really because she’s fussy and doesn’t like the cheap booze that was all anyone contributed at shitty house parties. She wouldn’t tell anyone that though and it had taken Manila a few months of knowing her before she noticed how whatever drink Raja had in her hand would be sipped but then handed to someone else, or put down, or purposefully dropped.
Delta had known Raja forever and told Manila that when the two had been younger, just getting old enough to go to parties and drink, Raja used to give Delta every one of her drinks and so the night usually ended with an exceptionally drunk Delta and a sober Raja who regretted giving Delta all her drinks because then she had to look after Delta – who apparently, as a thirteen year old, was a lot more flirtatious when drunk than she had any right to be.
At thirteen years old herself, Manila had not been one of the cool kids who got party invites – she’d spent more time dismantling her mother’s old sewing machine than she had spending it with her classmates.
She’d moved to Forrest Hill when she’d been fifteen and it was her ability to dismantle sewing machines – and thus reassemble them – that had resulted in a friendship being struck with Raja. And being friends with Raja meant she was also friends with Delta, and Manila had been friends with Carmen from primary and the four of them came together, and very suddenly a reputation had grown.
It had been Carmen’s idea to call each other ‘Heather’ and suddenly they were The Heathers to the whole of the school and none of them were really sure how it happened, but The Heathers were the cool kids and so of course they went to parties.
“Do you ever wonder how it happened?” Manila asks suddenly, and she’s aware of the fact she’s not given any context but she can’t really take it upon herself to elaborate.
Raja’s head shifts, her eyes flicker up to look at Manila. “Hmm?”
“The Heathers thing - how we’re like. The bitches of the school.”
“We’re not,” Raja yawns, sitting up. Her hair drags across Manila’s shoulder. “Not really.”
“I’m pretty sure half the school hates us,” Manila points out, pulling Raja’s hair of her shoulder and twisting it in her hands.
“And the other half of the school loves us,” Raja replies promptly. “We’re not like Phi Phi or anything – the whole school hates her. Anyways, they can’t really hate us – they don’t know us.”
“But they can hate Phi Phi?” Manila replies doubtfully
“Yeah but Phi Phi’s an asshole. We’re not assholes,”
“Yeah but,” Manila frowns.
“Don’t do that,” Raja’s lithe fingers smooth across her forehead, “you’ll get frown lines. Okay – maybe Phi Phi’s secretly not an asshole. But she acts like an asshole very publically however, so that’s how I’m going to think of her. Us however, we do not act like assholes – secretly or publically. Maybe we’re bitchy or rude and everyone’s jealous of us so they give us a bad name – but that doesn’t make us bad people.”
Manila hums slightly but she doesn’t reply. Raja brings up valid points and she’s probably correct but there’s a reason they’re called the Heathers – that they call each other Heather – and it’s not because they share the same name.
“Stop thinking,” Raja nudges Manila, sitting up straighter and pulling her legs out from their entanglement. “I know you’re thinking too much,” Manila laughs slightly but she doesn’t deny Raja’s words. “C’mon,” Raja encourages, pulling Manila’s hand. “Let’s do something.”
“It’s like three am,” Manila protests but she’s laughing and squeezes Raja’s hand tighter, wriggling off the bed.
“Three am is the best time,” Raja nods her head, her hair falling down, across her face. Manila uses her free hand to tuck it behind Raja’s ears, and the taller girl smiles brightly.
Raja drags her down the stairs, the two able to make as much noise as they like as Manila’s parents are away in London or something and Rachel’s at her boyfriends. Manila’s house is kind of not big, but it does have a conservatory with a balcony and Raja opens the door cheerfully, dropping Manila’s hand to hold it open.
The sudden lack of contact is something Manila notices and only then does it occur they were holding hands the whole way downstairs.
Outside, the air is cold and smells of rain and cut grass and the moon isn’t very bright but it’s bright enough to illuminate Raja, making her eyes and teeth and nails positively glow.
“You’re so stunning,” the compliment is unexpected and it takes Manila a second to realise that she was the one who said it.
“Thank you Heather,” Raja grins and all of a sudden it’s her turn to tuck Manila’s hair behind her ears. “You’re fucking gorgeous yourself.”
The two are smiling at each other and Raja’s hand is still in Manila’s hair and it all feels so right that Manila can actually feel her heart pang when suddenly; jerkily Raja pulls her hand back to her side. Manila would blame it on being drunk but she’s not drunk and the cold air had chased any drowsiness away.
“So. What’s three am the best time for?” Raja’s face fell just a little, like maybe she wanted Manila to say something else but the expression passed as quickly as it came as Raja grinned and Manila was left certain she imagined it.
“Well. I was going to produce this wonderful weed that I got off Adore but I think it left it in my jacket which I gave to Delta, so. I have no weed to produce.”
“And you trust Delta to not smoke it?” Manila raises an eyebrow at this – she’d practiced for ages to be able to master the talent and still, every time she does it she gets a little shoot of pride.
“Well, not really,” Raja shrugs, lifting one shoulder than the other and smiling slightly. “But she’ll owe me.”
Manila raises an eyebrow once more but Raja just laughs at her, “you look like Mrs Renner,” and Manila immediately stops because reminding Raja of their textiles teacher is not what she had been aiming for.
“So if you knew you didn’t have your jacket,” Manila frowns up at her best friend who was looking rather sheepish. “Why did you drag me outside?”
“Oh come on I didn’t drag you,” Raja protests, eyes dancing. Manila snorts, bumping Raja with her shoulder and Raja bumps her back in response. They lapse into silence, Raja looking out across Manila’s garden and Manila looking at Raja. There’s no breeze but the fabric of Raja’s long scarf-like shirt was still moving around, the ends of her hair joining it. There’s easily a whole head between the two girls, especially at times like this where both girls are barefooted, heels thrown off as they entered the house. Manila had taken off her tights then too, bundled them in the same corner as their shoes.
“It’s so pretty out here,” Raja says suddenly and Manila tears her gaze away from the girl, both so she can actually look at the garden and agree with Raja, and also because she’s been staring for way too long.
“It is,” Manila replies, twisting her blonde streak around her fingers. “But like. Fucking freezing.”
Raja looks over her, “Maybe you shouldn’t have taken your tights off?”
“I wanted to take them off though,” Manila points out, “they were all ripped and too hot. Plus they hide my sexy legs.”
“You’re legs are very sexy,” Raja nods, “and the yellow was kind of a distraction.”
“Excuse me, yellow can never be a distraction!” Manila mock-gasps but Raja doesn’t respond, her eyes fixed on Manila thoughtfully.
“I like your dress,” she says suddenly, after a few seconds of silence and Manila looks down at the offending garment. It’s nothing special, black with a bodice made of vertical straps that allow you to see her stomach and back through it and a skirt that fans out about her thighs. It’s nothing like Raja’s outfit – an airy light beige shirt that’s kind of sheer, the lines of Raja’s bralette visible in the low light. She’s wearing tight jeans that show off her mile-long legs, several gold bracelets adorning her ankles. She and Manila painted their toenails the other day, Manila’s taken all of hers off but pink and silver still decorate Raja’s.
“Your outfit is much prettier,” Manila says after realising the silence that had stretched between Raja’s compliment and Manila saying nothing was much longer than it had any reason to be.
“Normally I’d say obviously but yours does look super cute today,” Raja replies, grinning
Manila grins back, “yeah but I’m cold.”
“Are you trying to tell me something?” Raja teases before pausing. “I mean. Are you suggesting we go inside?”
“Well I don’t need your permission, this is my house bitch.”
“You mean your parent’s house, bitch”
“Still more mine than yours, bitch,”
“Your parents like me more than you, bitch.”
“Fuck you bitch,”
“Only if you ask nicely,” Raja sticks her tongue out.
Manila’s not going to let her win. “Please?”
“I said nicely,” Raja repeats, locking the door behind the both of them. The inside of the house is warm and a sharp contrast from outside. There are still goose bumps running across Manila’s skin and all of a sudden she’s not so sure they’re just there because of the cold.
“Raja,” her voice comes out in more of a moan than either of them expected. Manila swallows, “Raja. Please.”
Raja stops, eyes darting around. Instantly Manila starts mentally kicking herself because of course she’s taken it too far, she’s ruined the relationship between them only-
“Are you being serious?” Raja’s voice is level, carefully so and she’s looking past Manila.
Manila shrugs slightly, all too aware that she hasn’t shaven her legs in two days and that her hair is all messy and her eyeliners probably smudged and that she just prepositioned her best friend and whatever they had between them that they were both pretending was just friendship might be something a little more. “Are you being serious?”
“You can’t use my own question on me,” Raja jokes but her voice is measured carefully. The two of them are staring each other in the eyes, not as much as a romantic-movie-scene as a testing-sincerity one. Raja’s eyes are large and her eyelashes are dark and sooty and there’s a smudge of glitter down her cheek and she’s not wearing the piles of makeup that she would never be seen around school without but she’s still the prettiest Manila’s ever seen her.
“If this did happen,” Manila begins slowly, “would this change things between us?”
“I wouldn’t want it too,” Raja replies just as slowly, looking away from Manila and glancing back down at her.
Manila bites her lip. “Neither.”
“So,” Raja replies
“So,” Manila repeats and she can’t help but laugh.
Raja’s laughing then too, and the both of them are laughing and Raja’s arms are wrapping around Manila and Manila’s are wrapped back around Raja.
“Shall we go fuck then?” Manila asks, grinning
Raja snorts, “you’re awful Nila, oh my god.”
“That’s why you love me,” Manila quips
“Well, duh,” Raja rolls her eyes but she’s still grinning and Manila’s grinning too and they’re still embraced and Raja’s leaning downwards and Manila tilts her head up to meet her and then they’re kissing and it’s simultaneously nothing and everything like Manila ever imagined.
Raja’s breath still tastes like it smelt earlier – nicotine and kind of stale and it’s not romantic movie realness but it is Raja-and-Manila realness and that’s what matters. Raja’s lips are soft, and Manila knows her own are slightly cracked but Raja’s arms are smooth beneath her fingers and Manila lifts one hand to twine into the girls’ long dark hair and Raja makes a stilted moaning noise.
Raja’s own hands snake up Manila’s bodice, cold against her back and Manila pushes forwards, closer to Raja as she gives a moan of her own. She’s known Raja for two and a half years she’s thought about making out with Raja for easily at least one of those years but she’d never thought about it like it would actually ever happen.
Raja pulls back, breathing heavily but her hands are still under Manila’s dress, silken fingers wondering and she grins triumphantly as she reaches the catch of Manila’s bra.
Manila smiles herself, slightly breathless and utterly thrilled and maybe Raja isn’t the best kisser Manila’s ever known but she’s definitely the person Manila has wanted to kiss the most and that matters more than anything else ever could.
“We should,” Raja gasps, Manila’s nails tracing against her scalp. “Take this to a bed. Or couch.” A bed meant more than kissing and Manila shifted awkwardly a little but agreed and the two of them stumbled awkwardly into the living room and then onto the couch. Raja’s hands move higher, hot against her paler skin, tracing patterns with her fingertips. Manila felt a flood of affection for the girl and being so close to Raja, it felt so right and that was a feeling Manila never wanted to forget.
Manila kissed Raja again, biting softly on her lip and she felt the girl gasp beneath her and then suddenly Raja’s hands were gone.
Manila pulled back slightly, scared that maybe Raja had realised the boundaries that this crossed, maybe she’d decided that she didn’t want to have this with Manila but the elder girl was smiling at her softly and that didn’t look like the face of somebody who was regretting their current proximity.
“You okay?” Raja’s voice was soft and her eyes were warm, and she reached a hand out to tuck a strand of Manila’s hair behind her ear.
“I’m good,” Manila reaffirms, “are you?”
Raja nods, eyes crinkling as she smiles. “It’s weird – I’ve wanted this with you for the longest time. I just – it feels like a dream.”
“Yeah,” Manila replies and Raja’s eyes sharpen.
“Nila?”
“I have,” Manila admits. “Wanted you I mean. I’m just not so sure like, I know I want you. But right now – I don’t, I mean not like that. I still want you, I just-”
“-It’s okay,” Raja interrupts. She’s looking at Manila carefully, eyes making holes in the girl’s skull. “I’ve never – I’ve not had sex with a girl before.” Manila speaks before she can stop herself; the word’s burning as they leave her mouth.
“Do you want to?” Raja’s reply is careful and she takes Manila’s hand, squeezing it gently.
“I don’t know,” Manila looks away, heat filling her cheeks. She’s meant to want to have sex – she’s had a thing for Raja for ages and it’s stupid now it’s actually happening that she’s filled with fear.
“Then we won’t,” Raja lifts Manila’s chin. “Look at me – it’s okay.”
“It’s stupid,” Manila shakes her head away from Raja’s touch, pulling their hands apart. “I’ve had a crush on you for ages, I’ve thought about sex with you for ages – I want to have sex with you.”
“But you don’t want it right now,” Raja tries to take Manila’s hand again; she jerks away before she can. “Nila, it’s okay. I don’t mind – it will just make things even more exciting when we do have sex.”
“You still want me?” Manila asks
Raja laughs, “Nila. I don’t just want you now and then that’s it. I’m not a bitch.”
“You’re a Heather though,” Manila watches Raja closely.
“Fuck being a Heather,” Raja sighs. “I don’t want you because I’m a Heather and therefore I’m slutty and will sleep with anyone. I want you because you’re my best friend – you’re Manila Luzon and you’re clever and beautiful and funny and I love you, okay. I love you more than Heathers should love each other and I don’t care.”
Manila remains silent and Raja picks up her hands again. This time, Manila doesn’t pull away.
“I don’t mind if you don’t want to have sex with me – I don’t mind if it’s now or three months in the future or ever really. If it happens – that’s great. If it doesn’t – it’s still fucking perfect, okay. You’re enough for me like this.”
“Even though I’m fucking crying,” Manila laughs slightly and squeezes Raja’s hands. “I’m sorry. I love you – like. You’re the greatest person,”
“Well of course I knew that,” Raja teases before her tone turns more sincere. “You’re the greatest person too though. And – and I’m head over heels for you, you fucking bitch.”
“So romantic,” Manila laughs, sniffs
“Fuck off,” Raja’s words are harsh but she’s laughing and she pull’s Manila closer, the two of them hugging, arms wrapped around each other tightly. Manila breathes into Raja’s shirt, revelling in the fact that she’s with Raja and that Raja loves her and Raja doesn’t mind that Manila doesn’t want to have sex. Nothing like the main character suddenly becoming scared and not wanting sex never happens in movies but this isn’t a film, this is real life and this is Raja and Manila and maybe Manila needs to stop comparing everything to stereotypes or other people or what the media says.
“Do you shave your vag?” Manila asks suddenly, brave with her face hidden in Raja’s top.
“Is that what was scaring you?” Raja asks, and she’s not laughing anymore but her hand is smoothing through Manila’s hand carefully.
“I don’t know. I’ve never had sex like – sober. I’ve never had sex with a girl. I don’t know – it’s embarrassing.”
“It’s not embarrassing,” Raja corrects. “I shave yeah, but that’s just for me. Sometimes I don’t. And I don’t care if your pubes are non-existent or ten yards long. Although you’d need some seriously industrial panties for that.”
Manila laughs stuffily. She’s crying again and she doesn’t know why but Raja’s hands in her hair are so soothing and Manila can’t see Raja’s expression and maybe this is the time to admit all her stupid doubts and lack of knowledge. “I don’t know – I’ve only seen girl sex in porn. Like. I get what you’re meant to do but…”
“Porn is stupid though,” Raja reassures, nails tracing shapes across Manila’s scalp. “Like. It’s unrealistic okay, and half the time it’s made for a male audience.” Raja’s voice grows quieter, her hand stills in Manila’s hair. “The first time I had lesbian sex – which is a stupid term because I am not a lesbian – I was so awkward. The girl I was with didn’t know what to do either and like, it was messy and not porn perfect or whatever but it was good and we both enjoyed it – so that’s all that matters.”
“I’m sorry,” Manila mutters, “I sound like a thirteen year old or something.”
“No you don’t,” Raja pushes Manila back, so the two of them can see the other’s face. “Nila. You’re allowed to not know things. You’re allowed to have questions. It’s okay.”
“I love you,” Manila smiles at Raja and watches as a smile of Raja’s own fills the taller girl’s face.
“I love you too – I love us.”
Silence fills the air between them once again but this time it’s comfortable, Manila is glowing she is certain of it. She’s never felt so warm, so happy and Raja pecks her gently on the forehead and the two of them are hugged together and that is enough.
“Can I kiss you?” Manila asks suddenly and the bright grin that spreads across Raja’s face is answer enough.
Their lips move and it’s maybe a little bit awkward and all Manila can think about is that time Carmen told her that snogging was like sucking a jelly baby but then Raja straightens, and takes Manila’s lip between her teeth and all thoughts of Carmen and confectionary leave Manila’s head as all she can think about is Raja.
Manila carefully slides a hand up Raja’s shirt and Raja moans encouragingly and Raja’s back is soft and smooth and warm underneath Manila’s hands and she reaches the neck of the garment and Raja pulls away from her mouth and then the beige fabric is pulled over her head and Raja’s shirtless.
Manila’s seen Raja without a shirt hundreds of times before but this is the first time she’s allowed to look – to touch. The taller girl’s bralette is made up of lacy stars and Manila runs a hand over it carefully, Raja’s hands twisting up in Manila’s hair in response.
Manila wets her own lips carefully and then the two of them are making out again, Raja snaking a hand across Manila’s back, one still intertwined in her hair. Manila holds onto Raja carefully, amazed at how warm she is, how Manila can feel her muscles move and the bumps of her ribs underneath her skin.
“Is this okay – can I take your dress off?” Raja pulls away from Manila, and a string of salvia hangs between their lips and it’s kind of gross but Manila can’t bring herself to really care.
“Go for it,” She affirms and the smile Raja sends her creates a shoot of confidence through her. Manila’s boobs are bigger than Raja’s but then the whole of her body is. Manila’s cautious – her stomach gets rolls and is squishier than Raja’s and the space between her bra and arms is where skin gets caught and makes something like a muffin top. Raja doesn’t flinch at it, hands run across Manila’s paler skin with wonder and she’s kissing Manila’s neck and then her collarbone and then the place just above her bra.
“The yellow is a distraction,” Raja pulls away from her skin to comment and it confuses Manila slightly before she remembers their earlier conversation about tights and how Manila’s bra has tiny yellow sunflowers and pineapples decorating it.
“Tough,” Manila laughs, “It’s staying on.” She pauses – gauging Raja’s reaction – is she really okay with just kissing – but the other girl doesn’t blink, going back to kiss Manila’s collar and then she’s biting down slightly and Manila knows it’s going to leave a mark.
With anyone else, Manila’s never liked hickies but anyone else isn’t Raja and maybe it’s cliché and cringe worthy but the idea of Raja giving her a hickey, of leaving her mark, is kind of hot.
Raja’s hair was pin-straight and pitch dark and silky and gorgeous and Manila loves it but that doesn’t stop it tickling as it streams down her back. She giggles and Raja pulls up from Manila’s collarbone, blinking curiously. “Nila?”
“Your hair tickles,” Manila explains and she has to laugh slightly.
“Oh wow,” Raja sits up straighter, pulling her hair back and over her own shoulder. “I was aiming for sexy – I see how it is.”
“I can’t help your hair tickling,” Manila protests
Raja rolls her eyes but her expression was fond and it’s the loveliest feeling when Manila knows that it was her who caused that fondness.
“It’s pretty hair,” Manila continues, leaning into Raja.
Raja hugs her closer, “that bitch, it is.”
“So romantic. Bitch.” Manila teases and Raja laughs, turning her head and purposefully letting her hair fall back over Manila again. Raja yawns and Manila pulls her closer, lying down and letting Raja fall on top of her. They lay there, limbs intertwined just as they were hours ago and Raja breathes in deeply, shifting her head on top of Manila’s chest.
Manila wakes up in the morning, Raja still lying on top of her. Sunlight is streaming in the window and there’s three marks sucked above Manila’s bra and Raja’s hair is a tangled mess and completely everywhere. The clock on the wall reads 10 and Manila debates getting up but then Raja snores slightly, shifting and Manila lays her head back down, closing her eyes. There’s nowhere else she’d rather be.