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There are times Jim wants to scream his secrets at the world, to write them in the sky so that they’re tangible and there for everybody to see. He wants to throw his arms open and let his soul spill out of his throat so everyone can know all the little broken pieces of him that he’s buried so deep down he’s not sure they won’t crack and disintegrate in the light of day.
One drunken night with Bones, in their matchbox of a dorm, he lets one slip. Just one.
“When I was a kid, I would through stones in the air, hoping one would go high enough to break the sky so I could escape.”
The doctor looked at him through hazy eyes, brow furrowed, but doesn’t say anything.
It happens again about two weeks later. This time they’re at a bar and Jim is only about half as drunk as he was the first time.
“I started getting into fights because I missed physical contact.”
Again Bones doesn’t say anything, but this time he presses his shoulder against Jim’s.
The third time it happened the younger man was completely sober. He was staring at the ceiling at three in the morning. He could hear the soft even breathing of his roommate beside him.
“If it’s dark enough, I can see their eyes. Begging me to just give them a little more food. They were so hungry.”
After that, Bones always leaves the lights on at 10% when they go to bed.
Soon the jagged little secrets start to spill out of Jim whenever they’re alone. He wants to stop. He hates piling them on top of Bones, but he can’t help but feeling a little lighter every time he does.
“I used to throw myself against walls to stop panicking.”
“Sometimes I can’t stop staring at the food and wondering if I deserve to eat it.”
“There are nights I stay up all night just so I have an excuse to feel as tired as I am.”
“It feels like there’s energy trapped under my skin.I just want to scratch it away.”
“I remember each and everyone of their names. I say them in my head before I fall asleep so they know they haven’t been forgotten.”
“I don’t feel real. I’m worried I’m going to float away.”
“The air feels wrong today.”
“Frank used to tell me that if I kept messing up, my mother wouldn’t come home.”
“I just want to crawl into the shower and make the water so hot that it tears away my skin and the person that steps out will be someone new.”
“I’m scared that everytime I tell you something like this, you’re going to get up and walk out.”
When he tells Bones this, the doctor does exactly the opposite. He strides across the room and wraps his arms around tight around Jim. He murmurs against his hair line.
“I wish my ma hadn’t forgiven me for putting my daddy out his pain. It would have been easier if she hated me like I hate myself.”
Jim buried his face in Len’s neck and wrapped his arms around the older man’s waist.
“We all have secrets, Jimmy. It’s okay to want to have someone to tell them to.”
“I love you, Bones.”
“I already knew that one.”