Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Kaito, your frustration is to be expected, but you can’t just ignore something because you don’t like it.”

“Like hell I can’t!” Kaito shouts, jumping out of his chair. An immediate and frantic wave of dizziness rolls through him, but he plants his feet and fights for balance. “Giving up is never the answer. When something gets in your way, you’ve gotta battle it head on and stay determined. The only thing holding anyone back is themselves!” he proclaims as he slams his fists together, standing tall, proud, and hopeful.

Kaito believes in his words. He’s proven to himself, to his friends—hell, to the whole fucking world—that anything is possible if you try hard enough.

Mrs. Ryousha isn’t as moved by his words as Kaito had hoped. As his personal psychiatrist appointed to him by the space program, she knows him well enough to expect his never ending display of reckless determination. She’s one of many who helped convince the space program to accept an underage teen into training despite all the rules, moved and impressed with his potential. Now, she's the one who refusing him access to the very same program.

“Kaito, I wish things could be different for you, I really do,” she says with a sad smile. She looks at him with pity that he refuses to accept. “My daughter loves your story. You’ve managed to inspire her and many others to believe in their dreams and never stop chasing them.

“I really wish she wouldn’t have to find out that the Ultimate Astronaut isn’t ever going to make it into space,” she continues.

“That’s bullshit,” Kaito replies. “I’m going to fucking space. I’m Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars. Nothing is getting between me and my dream. I broke the law to apply to here, I’ve fought like hell to beat and exceed people’s expectations—there’s no way I’m letting some stupid thing like being sick to get in my way.”

The look of pity only grows sadder, and all Kaito wants to do is storm out of here and go vent out his anger in training, because he’s going lash out at this innocent psychiatrist if she doesn’t stop pushing.

But he can’t. He has to get through to her first, so that he can then go to confront his personal trainer and doctor, and then be allowed to continue his astronaut training.

“Kaito, if your illness was at least identifiable, we could talk about your future relationship with our space program—we’d love to have you as a trainer, researcher, or perhaps eventually as the program director—but right now, we have no idea what’s happening to your body.”

The implication is clear: she thinks he’s going to die.

“I’m sure as hell not sick,” he shouts, “and I’m not fucking dying anytime soon!”

The words reverberate through the room and a heavy silence follows. Mrs. Ryousha purses her lips and is visibly tense. Kaito knows that this lady isn’t really the source of his anger, but he can’t stand another second of listening to her “reason” with him.

“Nobody knows what’s wrong with me,” he continues. “So that means I could get better.”

She refuses to look at him now, and Kaito gets more frustrated. His left leg tenses up but he pushes it against the ground to keep it from bouncing.

“I’ll get better,” he declares. “And I’ll fucking prove it to you, to my doctor, and anyone else who dared to doubt the Ultimate Astronaut.

“I’m Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars, and I am going to space.”

The words fall flat on his psychiatrist, but they fill Kaito with hope. He smiles to himself, and marches out of the room.

———

Kaito quickly slides out from his desk and runs up to the front of the class before his friend can leave. “Hey Maki Roll, you’re joining me for training today, yeah?”

“Stop calling me that,” she responds instinctively, but they both know it’s more of an inside joke rather than an actual complaint. Kaito grins at her familiar response, and Maki tries to hide her pleasure with a glare.

“Shouldn’t you be asking if you can be joining us?” Maki eventually responds, eyeing Shuichi across the room talking to Kiibo.

Kaito had started the daily after-school training group with Shuichi in his attempt to help the detective build up his confidence around others. After he managed to rope Maki into joining them, training after school became a sort of tradition between them. Sometimes others would join them–Kaede visited most often, but sometimes Gonta, Ryoma, or Tenko would join them as well.

For the past few weeks, Kaito had to miss their training to go see doctors and researchers about his bullshit “illness”—not that Maki and Shuichi knew about that—but at least now he was finally free to spend time with his friends.

It’d be better if Kaito had gained back his free time knowing everything will be okay, instead of knowing that the doctors are giving up on him. However, Kaito is determined to make everything okay himself.

He’s glad to hear that Shuichi and Maki kept training without him, but he can’t wait to be with them again.

“Hey, I wouldn't be a good leader if I didn’t give my two sidekicks some bonding time!” Kaito grins.

“So that’s why you haven’t been joining us,” Maki says skeptically. She doesn’t seem suspicious or angry; she’s just amused by his normal behaviour. Kaito’s glad she’s not actually pressing his statement, because he doesn’t know if he could lie to his friends, and he’s really hoping he’ll never need to find out.

“Hey Shuichi!” Kaito shouts, startling his sidekick from across the room. “You ready for the most intensive training routine yet?”

Shuichi immediately understands the implication that Kaito is joining them again, and his sidekick’s smile only makes Kaito grin wider.

After Shuichi and Kiibo finish their conversation, the Ultimate Robot exits with a wave and the three of them head to the courtyard after changing.

Walking across the school’s perfectly kept field, Kaito relishes the warm sunlight. The past few weeks have left him feeling tense and cold, but in this moment, he feels comfortable, warm, and healthy. He takes large composed breaths, lets his shoulders relax, and basks in the tranquility of the moment.

Once they reach their usual spot in the far corner of the field, Kaito whips around quickly and smiles at his two followers.

“So what did you have planned?” Shuichi asks, oddly excited.

Kaito chooses to respond by dropping to the ground, stretching his arms behind him on the grass.

“First, I need proof that you guys have been working hard while I was gone,” he demands.

Shuichi tilts his head incredulously and Maki rolls her eyes. “Seriously?” she asks.

Kaito nods and waits for them to do something, and thankfully, they do. The two of them rush through some stretches, and follow up with some basic but useful exercises, taught to them by Kaito, Tenko, and Maki herself.

Then they move on to some basic fighting katas, ones that mix a variety of fighting styles that they’ve managed to pick up.

It’s always fun to watch Maki and Shuichi spar; Shuichi carefully plans out every move, eyes darting around frantically to react to Maki’s actions. Maki herself looks as calm and bored as ever, but Kaito knows her mind is racing. She instinctively forces a pattern that Shuichi adapts to, and once he’s comfortable, she speeds up and adds in extra movements to throw him off. She waits for him to adapt again, and then repeats the process.

While Kaito has been working hard to improve Shuichi’s confidence in his detective skills and in himself, Maki forces Shuichi to trust his instincts.

His original sidekick still has far to go, but just thinking about how much he’s grown puts Kaito’s mind at ease.

When Kaito’s in space, the detective is going to have to fend for himself, and Kaito has no doubt that Shuichi’s future is going to be amazing.

He’d like to be there for it, but he’s got his own dreams to follow.

“We’re done,” Maki announces suddenly.

Reeling, Kaito immediately regrets not spending the last few minutes creating some sort of plan for training, because there’s no way he’s going to make it through training, much less lead it.

Kaito opens his mouth, not ready to say anything, but fuck—he needs to, and—

“Could I get help?” a friendly voice suddenly calls to them.

As Gonta’s huge figure rushes towards them, Shuichi looks concerned. “Did something happen?”

Gonta nods sadly. “Somebody open door to bug container. I need to catch all my friends again, but some are too fast for me.”

Kaito vaguely realizes that Gonta is really here for Maki’s help, but he appreciates this opportunity. He jumps up from the grass, and points towards the school dramatically.

“Alright, my sidekicks, today we’ll be training our bug catching skills!” he announces. Shuichi and Maki don’t protest, and Gonta smiles widely.

“Thank you very much!”

The trio make their way back to the school, and the next couple of hours are spent running around the biology lab in vain attempts to catch stupidly small bugs that they could barely see. But they have fun fooling around: Kaito tries\d to catch Maki off guard by catching her in his bug net, and she quickly gets her revenge by tripping him with the same net a few minutes later.

Shuichi keeps making up extremely intricate plans to corner off and capture small bugs. He would stare at the tiny thing for minutes before making some extremely dramatic but efficient swipe to capture it. It’d be much more impressive if the targets weren’t, y’know, mindless tiny bugs, but Shuichi seemsed so pleased that neither Maki or Kaito wanted to point out that Gonta was doing the same thing in mere seconds and with a lot less planning.

In the end, they manage to help Gonta out and recapture everything. Shuichi and Maki are tired and breathless, but they smile with satisfaction. Kaito’s chest tightens, his throat burning with every breath—but he smiles too.

———

“The answer’s still no, Kaito,” Mrs. Ryousha tells him.

His foot taps continuously on the ground and his fists curls, but he takes a deep breath and controls himself.

“Give me any test to pass, and I’ll pass it,” he declares, but the lady shakes her head.

“This isn’t even a matter of your physical health any more,” she responds, eyes downcast. “As your psychologist, right now I would work to have you removed from the program simply for your mental health.”

It’s a cold statement, and Kaito wants to be angry at her, but he can’t when she’s clearly just as upset about this as he is.

A sharp pain snaps his attention to his hands; his fists are curled up so tightly that his arms are shaking. He forces them to relax, but he doesn’t have to look up to know that she’s watching his every move, and further proving her case.

“What d’ya mean?” he asks, even when he knows what she’s going to say

The psychiatrist frowns, but does her job. “What’s happening to you is surprising and unfair, but you need to be able to accept it. The way you’re recklessly refusing to acknowledge your reality isn’t good for you, and frankly, will impede your determination to recover from your illness.”

His left hand shakes again. He spreads out his fingers on his tapping leg, gripping it tightly.

“If you want to work through your illness, you first need to deal with yourself,” she clarifies.

Kaito doesn’t want to hear anything of this, so he just nods.

“I know you have a large group of supportive friends—have you talked to any of them?”

Closing his eyes, he tries to imagine telling Maki and Shuichi—the two people that need him the most—that he’s sick, and maybe going to die (but he’s not going to die, and he’s not sick).

“No—I can’t.” He doesn’t offer any explanation.

Aside from a small “hmm”, Mrs. Ryousha takes a while to respond. “I understand waiting until you’ve accepted this to let the people you care about know. But remember, when they find out you’re keeping this from them, they’ll be more upset.”

Kaito imagines telling Maki. Proving to her that everyone that gets close to her ends up dead. Breaking her trust that he had fought so hard earn. Watching her isolate herself again, never forgiving the world for being so cruel, and despising herself for ever being foolish enough to think otherwise.

Or Shuichi—who’s learning to trust himself and believe in the truth, who doubts himself too much—who doesn’t just need a push in the right direction, but a guiding hand that’s ready to catch him and support him through all his mistakes. Who could fall right at the end of his journey, because that guiding hand would violently jerk him down.

Telling Kaede, Kiibo, or anyone else in his class is not even an option, because his best friends are the Ultimate Detective and the Ultimate Threatening Person. If they teamed up to search for secrets, no one could hide from them.

At his continued silence, the psychiatrist frowns. “There’s another option I could recommend. If it goes well, I genuinely think I’d clear you for training—mentally, at least.”

It sounds like blackmail, almost, but Kaito knows it’s for his own good, so he suppresses any uneasiness and indignation.

“You’re a people person, Kaito, and I think that isolating yourself is the worst thing you could do for yourself. You can’t tell your friends, and you don’t want to go to a public therapy group, because you also want to avoid any of this getting out to the public.”

Kaito nods.

Mrs. Ryousha leans out of her chair, and grabs a pamphlet from a stack.

“There’s a private therapy company that hosts online groups for teens from all over Japan. It’s anonymous, but you can only join if you’re invited, so nobody on there will be dangerous or untrustworthy. You can meet with other people, participate in group chats, hear other people’s stories, and talk about anything you feel like without risk.

“It’d be completely private, and I’d only get involved if any users feel that you’re unsafe.”

“And how often would I have to do this?” Kaito asks.

Mrs. Ryousha sighs. “Only as much as you’d like. This isn’t just something for you to do and get over with. Take this at your own pace, and I’ll let you know when I see improvement.”

Kaito wants to get mad again, but there’s nothing to be angry about. It’s all reasonable, it all makes sense, but his specialty is relentlessly working hard at a goal until he achieves it. Being given an ambiguous target and absolutely no time limit isn’t something he knows how to deal with. It seems unachievable, impossible, and completely unfair.

But…

He has to go to space. He has to inspire the people around him. He needs to fulfill all his promises.

This is just one small step towards reaching his goal. Just one small thing he has to guide himself through, and then he’ll work out his sickness, and then he’ll achieve everything that he has to.

“Alright,” Kaito declares, with his trademark grin finally reappearing, “I’ll do it. I’ll get through this.”

Mrs. Ryousha gives him a small smile and hands him the pamphlet. “I really hope you do.”

Chapter Text

Usami: Hello! How is everyone doing today?

se1k1: Good!

shuuyou_ni: things have gotten better this week

n4kiw4r4i: !! :D

se1k1: That’s great!

dowasure: Glad to hear

shuuyou_ni: thanks :)

Usami: I’m very glad to hear that! You deserve this.

Usami: It’s great that things are starting to look up for you, and we’ll continue to support you here.

shuuyou_ni: thanks Usami <3

usotsuki: So, what are we doing today?

Usami: That’s right! I have an important announcement to make!

Kaito inhales sharply. His hands hover over his keyboard, making him uncharacteristically quiet.

Usami: We have a new member with us today!

dowasure: Welcome!

se1k1: Hello, and welcome!

n4kiw4r4i: hi!! nice to have you join us ^-^

mochiroku: helloo

Usami: Would you like to introduce yourself?

The entire chat pauses to give the new member some time to write. Kaito aligns his hands on his keys, but there’s nothing to input. Tapping the keys lightly, he struggles to remember the last time he ever had any difficulty knowing what to say.

There’s an unfamiliar tightness in his chest. His jaw is clenched, his mind is racing, but it’s when his hands begin to quiver that Kaito draws the line.

He moves his (definitely not shaking) right hand to the trackpad of his laptop, ready to quit the program and find some sort of better solution to this made up problem, when a new message pops up.

usotsuki: You’re overthinking this, aren’t you?

usotsuki: You don’t need to tell us your name and your life story, if that’s what you’re worried about.

usotsuki: You don’t have to talk about yourself at all. Just say hi.

His hands obey—

newuser851815: hi

—and Kaito nearly smacks himself in the head.

He was so grateful to have help that he forgot to think. Quickly, he types more to save his dignity.

newuser851815: nice to meet you all

newuser851815: thanks for having me

n4kiw4r4i: hii

shuuyou_ni: nice to meet you too

n4kiw4r4i: ^

mochiroku: ^^

se1k1: Welcome  : )

Usami: We’re delighted to have you.

newuser851815: thanks

se1k1: So what brings you here?

se1k1: Not that you have to talk about it, of course!!

usotsuki: You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.

Kaito pauses.

newuser851815: I’m here to talk about myself, I guess

After a quick mental debate, he also adds:

newuser851815: And to prove that I’m fine

The chat goes silent.

Above the bar where Kaito types his messages, the program tells him who’s typing. usotsuki starts typing, but then deletes whatever they had written. Nobody else makes any move until Usami begins to type.

Usami: We’re all here to help and support you! Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you.

Kaito still feels unusually tense, but Usami’s kindness calms him down, at least a little. With a small smile, his hands type with a little more conviction.

newuser851815: Thanks!

Now that Usami’s introduced him, she moves on a weekly group discussion. It’s explained to Kaito that once a week they hold group conversations, but they aren’t required to attend. For the rest of the week they are free to use the program however they want. There’s not much to do in the program except talk to others, but talking to people about his “problems” is what Kaito is here for in the first place. There’s no homework, assignments, or anything that Kaito is required to do—so at least this won’t interfere with school or training. All Kaito needs to do is talk about his theoretical problems with other people and prove that he’s handling everything well. After that, he’s just a few steps away from getting back on course with his goals.

Appropriately, “Future Plans and Goals” is what the theme of today’s discussion is. shuuyou_ni talks about how he plans to keep up the positive changes in his life, and how he’s going to talk to his teachers about redoing tests he did poorly, so that he’s able to apply to his ideal university. They help n4kiw4r4i plan out what to say to her divorcing parents, and se1k1 talks about finally stepping up against some pretty awful-sounding friends.

Even though Kaito already knows his goal and has a perfect plan on how to achieve it, he keeps silent. He ends giving a lot of advice, because it’s what he’s used to and it seems to be appreciated. usotsuki and Usami usually backup and support what he says, so Kaito figures he’s doing something right.

Everyone talks and talks—in the end, only Kaito and usotsuki don’t say anything about themselves. The hour almost runs up, and despite spending a majority of that time helping others, Kaito feels oddly dissatisfied with himself.

usotsuki: So what about you, new guy?

When logging into this program, Kaito thought he wasn’t going to want to talk about anything, but... as the time to speak slowly began to ran out, Kaito was startled to find himself feeling unhappy about his silence.

usotsuki: Anything you wanna share?

Kaito’s hands freeze, unsure of what he wanted to.

newuser851815: not yet

He pauses. The fact that he’s feeling unsure about this allows him to realize a lot. He needs to do this to move on through his plan, but that’s not the only thing he’s thinking about; he actually wants to talk someone about this “problem”—even though he still refuses to believe that he has any problem to begin with.

newuser851815: next week I will

newuser851815: I’ll be ready then, I guess

A response comes immediately.

usotsuki: And what’s going to be different in one week?

Kaito frowns at the question that he can’t understand the intent of.

newuser851815: I’ll know what I want to say

usotsuki: But whatever you want to talk about isn’t going to change in a week, right?

usotsuki: The truth of your situation won’t change—the only thing you’re going to decide in a week is how much you’re going to hide from us.

His hands jab into his keys.

newuser851815: Or maybe I just don’t want to believe that I have problems, alright?

newuser851815: I need more time to deal with this

usotsuki: So by next week, you’re going to ready to admit that you have some sort of problem?

usotsuki: How?

n4kiw4r4i: oooh, I get it

Kaito completely misses n4kiw4r4i’s comment as his hands furiously fly across the keyboard.

newuser851815: I don’t know—by just doing it?? by facing up to what I don’t like??

se1k1: wow, he did it again.

Usami: It’s great that you have a goal and plan for next week! I hope you’ll be able to achieve it, and please let us know if we can help you in any way. It’d be great for you to accomplish what you want, but remember not to push yourself too hard.

Kaito freezes.

He rereads Usami’s comment, then does it again, scrolls up to take a look at a look at the trap he just fell for, and slams his face into his hands.

dowasure: sometimes the hardest step to recovery is admitting you have a problem

dowasure: wow sorry that sounds bad

dowasure: that cliche line doesn’t just apply to addictions and stuff—it can apply to anything

se1k1: It might be different from your situation, but it took me a very long time to admit to myself that my friends were treating me unfairly

shuuyou_ni: it was hard for me too

shuuyou_ni: sometimes you just want to believe anything other than the truth

n4kiw4r4i: every moment when you pretend that everything is okay, it becomes even harder to accept that it isn’t

n4kiw4r4i: that’s what I experienced, at least

usotsuki begins to type, and then deletes whatever they wrote.

Usami: This is a very large step to take in one week, but as many of us have struggled with something similar, please feel free to ask us for our advice or experience.

n4kiw4r4i: yeah ^-^

mochiroku: ^

se1k1: ^ of course

Kaito’s breaths are uneven and uncontrolled, and so he takes a second to just breathe. He’s always been surrounded by great people who support him, but having people voluntarily offer him help despite not knowing a single thing about him almost makes him uncomfortable.

‘Would they still be supportive if they knew who I was? If they knew I was a student at Hope’s Peak? If they knew that I’m supposed to be a role model and leader to the world?’

newuser851815: you guys are too great

newuser851815: thanks

dowasure: anytime :)

n4kiw4r4i: ^-^ np

shuuyou_ni: happy to be able to help

se1k1: You’re welcome!

Their friendliness make him grin.

Kaito has always felt like he can put his emotions into words and easily convey what he feels, but now, now that he’s talking through a screen and is in an abnormally quiet mood, he aligns his steady hands over normally untouched keys.

newuser851815: ＼(＾▽＾)／

The spam of emoticons that follows his own is almost worth it.

~~~

Once Usami calms the group and the flow of smiley faces slows down, everyone says their goodbyes and conveys excitement for next week. Almost everyone welcomes the newcomer to their group one more time and claim they were happy to meet him.

Conversation now finished, the overly friendly and inviting group puts a warm smile on Kaito’s face as he reclines in his chair.

'Next week, I’ll talk about my... illness, whether I believe in it or not,’ he tells himself.

He pulls his hands behind his head, and closes his eyes as his smile slowly turns into a frown, reminded about his “problem”.

'The truth of your situation won’t change—the only thing you’re going to decide in a week is how much you’re going to hide from us.'

Kaito wants to be pissed at this random usotsuki who had the audacity to manipulate and toy with a newcomer—who, for all they know, might be unstable or something. Outside of the moment, it’s clear that they were specifically trying to get Kaito angry to make him speak honestly. Despite the frustration and anger Kaito felt when he realized he was being pulled around by some stranger, he can understand what this usotsuki was trying to do.

Doesn’t mean he enjoyed it.

Leaning further back into his chair, the tired astronaut sighed.      

‘Maybe I just don’t want to believe that I have problems, alright?’

Those angry words were baited out of him when he just wanted shut usotsuki up, but they were probably the most honest ones he had spoke—to the group chat, and to himself.

Kaito feels his hands tighten behind his head, and his body immediately tenses up all over again.

“I’m not sick,” he tells himself again. “I’m fucking not.”

His hands grab his hair tightly, and Kaito screws his eyes shut.

“I refuse to accept that bullshit, I—”

A *ding* can be heard through the speakers of his computer.

Kaito immediately takes control of himself and swings his body to lean closer to the monitor. Looking for something new, he notices a notification from the program: someone messaged him, outside of the group chat. Skipping over the name of the messenger, he stares at the statement.

usotsuki: You’re going to be here longer much than you think.

newuser851815: huh?

usotsuki: The reason you’re here is to prove that you’re handling your situation well, right?

newuser851815:  what makes you think that???

usotsuki: …

It only takes a brief moment for usotsuki to send a screenshot:  

newuser851815: I’m here to talk about myself, I guess

newuser851815: And to prove that I’m fine

newuser851815: fine

usotsuki: So far you’re doing a terrible job

Kaito wants to smack this person across the face, but he settles for slamming his hand on his desk.

newuser851815: so what?? i said i’d be ready by next week, didn’t i?

usotsuki: Sure

usotsuki: In a week you will have found some way to talk about this “problem” of yours while still being able to lie to yourself

newuser851815: I’m not a liar

usotsuki: ...

usotsuki: Are you really trying /that/ hard to completely miss my point?

usotsuki: Of course you are, nevermind.

“Why the fuck do you care,” he tries to type, but a warning about vulgar language pops up and Kaito has to delete the message.

“whats your fucking point,” he types in next, only to receive the same annoying warning.

newuser851815: Why are you talking to me

usotsuki: I really, really, need you to know that I’m rolling my eyes right now.

usotsuki: Talking to people is the /entire point of this program/.

usotsuki: And it’s also the one thing you need to do, right?

newuser851815: You’re trying to help me??

usotsuki: The way you lie to yourself is just completely inexcusable.

newuser851815: what??

usotsuki: The only justifiable part is that you’re obviously doing it to protect other people than yourself

newuser851815: do you know who I am or something??

usotsuki: Should I?

usotsuki: Is that a really big part of your character?

Kaito types nothing. Anything he says is being used against him.

usotsuki: Hmm? Not going to answer? That pretty much confirms it.

usotsuki: Regardless, you made it pretty obvious that you’re used to giving advice to other people, but that you also don’t talk about your own problems in return.

usotsuki: You’re obviously a leader to some people, probably your friends.

usotsuki: If you have people depending on you, then you can’t afford to be unstable. So you can’t admit to yourself that you’ve got some sort of problem.

usotsuki: Any of that sound correct?

newuser851815: But you did the same, right?

Finally— finally— usotsuki pauses. Kaito chooses to accept his small victory. He lets his hands ride the excitement, and they type quickly.

newuser851815: when nobody else spoke, you did. when nobody else had any advice to give, you came in.

newuser851815: but when it came to casual conversation and talking about ourselves, you kept your mouth shut.

newuser851815: so what does that make you?

usotsuki doesn’t start typing, and Kaito feels victorious—like a hero who just finally outsmarted a villain

usotsuki: Wow! I was honestly impressed up until the end there.

—and, the feeling is lost.

usotsuki: Aren’t /you/ supposed to be the one to answer that final question?

The rebound stings, but Kaito lets it slide.

usotsuki: You’re pretty observant, but you really suck at making a final conclusion.

usotsuki: Anyways, I’m not here to antagonize you, so let’s quit arguing.

usotsuki: I came to let you know: since you’re going to be here a while, you should probably set up a username.

The shift in topic feels sudden, and Kaito vaguely realizes he completely failed to prove that he won’t be here for long, but usotsuki has complete control over the conversation, and Kaito doesn’t know what else to do but roll with it.

newuser851815: How do I do that?

usotsuki: See that gear icon on the right hand top of the program?

newuser851815: no?

newuser851815: oh nvm

usotsuki: Click Profile Settings

usotsuki: You can customize everything in there

Kaito quietly follows the instructions and is sent to a new page filled with empty boxes. There’s a ton of optional information he can input, and so he does (leaving it awkwardly vague to hide his identity).

Gender: Male

Birthday: April

Age: --

Location: Japan

Interests: Space, Friends, Helping others

usotsuki: Really? The only real piece of information you added was that you like space?

newuser851815: It’s important to me

usotsuki: Of course, you fit that type perfectly.

newuser851815: ?

usotsuki: Did you forget to change your username?

newuser851815: nah, it’s just nothing comes to mind.

usotsuki: space-idiot

usotsuki: space-fool

usotsuki: space-maniac

newuser851815: hey, stop with the insults!

usotsuki: But that’s all the information you’ve given me to work with...

newuser851815: when did I say I was an idiot?

usotsuki: You don’t seriously want me to explain that, do you?

newuser851815: ugh whatever

newuser851815’s name has been changed to space_hero

space_hero: huh?!

space_hero: how’d my name change??

space_hero: hero?

usotsuki: You’re stupid enough to remind me of one

space_hero: ignoring that

space_hero: taking the compliment

space_hero: how’d you change my name?

usotsuki: ;)

space_hero: can I change your name?

usotsuki: If you could, what would you change it to?

space_hero: stupid_jerk

usotsuki: That’s rude :(

space_hero: but true

The conversation pauses, giving Kaito a moment to think.

space_hero: pure

usotsuki:  ?

space_hero: that’s how I’d describe you

usotsuki: ...I fail to see your logic here.

space_hero: just a feeling I have

space_hero: idk

usotsuki: That’d be a horrible username anyways

space_hero: okay okay fine

space_hero: remind me to never say anything nice about you

space_hero: usohakkenki

usotsuki: Lie detector?

usotsuki: Wow.

usotsuki: And here I thought your ideas couldn’t get any worse.

space_hero: better than “liar”

space_hero: not a name I’d expect to see in a therapy program

space_hero: don’t even understand how Usami would ever let you make that your username

usotsuki: ;)

space_hero: right—whatever that means.

space_hero: well if it makes you happy, then whatever

space_hero: but it’s not accurate

usotsuki: You don’t know know anything about me.

space_hero: yeah so what

space_hero: such an evil sounding name doesn’t fit you

space_hero: by next week, come up with something, or I get to decide your name

usotsuki: And why would I agree to that?

space_hero: If you do, I’ll talk about my issues at next week’s meeting

usotsuki: Are you /seriously/ trying to blackmail me by assuming that I would desperately want to help you?

space_hero: no idea

space_hero: sure

usotsuki: I’m not sure about how I should react to that, but...

usotsuki: I’ll agree to your deal.

space_hero: Alright!

space_hero: ^–^

usotsuki: So now it’s /really/ in my best interest to push you along

space_hero: oh

usotsuki: You’ve got to keep your side of the deal too—you get that, right?

space_hero: well yeah

usotsuki: Well.

usotsuki: Best thing to do is to forget about that, for now.

usotsuki: It seems that stubbornness is really the only thing holding you back right now

space_hero: no

usotsuki: So telling you how stupid you are isn’t what you need.

usotsuki: Instead, tell me something about yourself.

space_hero: huh?

usotsuki: Oh and please, talk about something /other/ than space

Talk about himself. Alright—it’s not a difficult thing to do. He’s trailed on and on about himself easily in front of Shuichi and Maki, but this situation feels totally different. Kaito’s trying to hide his identity, and usotsuki is stupidly smart. Not to mention, any information Kaito has offered so far has been examined and pulled apart. He’s pretty sure this person doesn’t trust anything Kaito says at face value, and Kaito doesn’t want every single word he speaks to be overanalyzed and dissected.

usotsuki: Is something wrong?

“I don’t trust you,” is what Kaito wants to right, but he doesn’t feel entirely justified. So far, usotsuki has just been trying to help, in some weird way.

usotsuki: Come on, you can be honest.

usotsuki: You’re not here to lie.

space_hero: I don’t trust you.

Quickly, he adds:

space_hero: or i mean I dont trust you to trust me

usotsuki: Yeah, that seems reasonable.

space_hero: really?

usotsuki: Sure, I’ve been overanalyzing everything you say

usotsuki: —but that’s because you act like a liar!

space_hero: im not

usotsuki: Is that a lie?

space_hero: ur the one with the crappy  shitty  stupid username

usotsuki: I can see your point…

usotsuki: and I think I have a solution!

usotsuki: After all, it’d be nice to trust you.

usotsuki: So, how about this:

usotsuki: I’ll ask you a question that I want to know the answer to.

usotsuki: If you answer honestly, then I’ll answer the same question honestly.

usotsuki: After that, you pick a question, and we repeat.

space_hero: that makes no sense

usotsuki: How so?

space_hero: There’s no way to tell if we’re lying or not

usotsuki: You’re the one who said I’m a lie detector, right?

usotsuki: And as for myself, I would never go back on my word.

space_hero: I’m supposed to trust that?

usotsuki: Why not?

usotsuki: Or are you the type of person to be suspicious of everyone?

space_hero: no way

usotsuki: Well then there’s no problem!

space_hero: why involve yourself

space_hero: i mean

space_hero: you could just ask me questions and trust that I’m telling the truth

usotsuki: No way!

usotsuki: This way, the moment you lie, the moment you’ll think everything that /I/ say could be lie.

usotsuki: This binds you to tell the truth—unless you don’t really care whether or not I’m lying to you

space_hero: yeah, you’re also assuming that I’m a good-natured person…

usotsuki: Yeah, I might be totally wrong!

usotsuki: Honestly, you remind me of someone I know

usotsuki: And he takes his promises very seriously

usotsuki: — so I’m definitely projecting a little~

space_hero: huh

space_hero: Are you doing this to find a reason to talk about yourself?

usotsuki: …

usotsuki: Well that was out of nowhere…

space_hero: am I right??

space_hero: you don’t talk about yourself at all, but now you’re forcing yourself to

space_hero: are you trying to justify talking about yourself?

usotsuki: My motivation is solely to get to know you, so that I can help you.

usotsuki: That’s not a lie.

space_hero: Okay

space_hero: I trust you.

usotsuki: huh

usotsuki: nobody’s ever told me that before

space_hero: Well that’s pathetic

space_hero: not you—i mean

space_hero: everyone else

space_hero: You seem to be a good person

usotsuki doesn’t respond to that, giving Kaito a chance to think.

This person was giving others insightful advice and going out of their way to help strangers—and no one has ever trusted them? Was Kaito claiming that they’re a good person really that stunning? 

“Are you /seriously/ trying to blackmail me by assuming that I would desperately want to help you?”

Shit, now the same question could be reversed. Is usotsuki trying to pull Kaito into this game by assuming Kaito would want to understand (and maybe help) them?

His natural desire to help and sympathize with others could be pulling him towards a ruse.

Is that what usotsuki planned for?

This guy, girl, whatever, was way too clever, because it was working.

space_hero: Are you a boy or girl?

usotsuki: Is that your question?

usotsuki: Does that mean you’ve agreed?

space_hero: Hell yeah guess it does

usotsuki: I’m a guy

space_hero: same, but you knew that.

usotsuki: Are you in high school?

space_hero: yep

usotsuki: Same here.

space_hero: How old are you?

usotsuki: Are you willing to answer that?

Kaito considers his point, and updates his profile.   

Age: 16

usotsuki: I’m also 16.

usotsuki: Why didn’t you add that from the start?

space_hero: Kinda worried about staying private, honestly

usotsuki: Same~

space_hero: oh did that count as a question?

space_hero: uh

space_hero: you think we’re close to each other?

space_hero: in japan, I mean.

usotsuki: All of us are from all over the country. The chance of any us even being in the same prefecture is unlikely.

usotsuki: why you asking?

space_hero: just curious

space_hero: You got any siblings?

usotsuki: not really.

space_hero: same?

usotsuki: Who are you leading?

space_hero: My friends

space_hero: They’ve got some really troubling things to deal with

space_hero: does this question apply to you?

usotsuki: not really

usotsuki: …

usotsuki: Tell me more and I’ll say more

space_hero: huh? Okay

space_hero: If I hadn’t helped my friends, I don’t know if anyone else would have

space_hero: Since I’m the person they’re depending on, I take that responsibility extremely seriously

usotsuki: I used to lead a small group, but I chose to leave them

usotsuki: They didn’t really need me anymore, and they’re doing better own their own

space_hero: That can’t be true.

usotsuki: It’s not a lie.

space_hero: BS

space_hero: Who are these fuckers jerks?

usotsuki: If I answer that, you have to tell me who your friends are.

space_hero: shit nvm

space_hero: What are you here for?

usotsuki: Are you sure you want to answer that?

space_hero: I want to know.

usotsuki: Well, if you’re sure…

usotsuki: I joined to program just to find someone to talk to.

space_hero: seriously??

usotsuki: Yep!

usotsuki: You’re turn!

space_hero: no way, that was /not/ worth it

usotsuki: >:(

space_hero: talk more or something

usotsuki: Maybe let’s continue tomorrow

space_hero: huh?

usotsuki: We’ve been talking for a long time, and you’re probably exhausted

Staring at those words, Kaito suddenly realizes how true that his. His eyes are stinging, his body is completely worn out from being so tense, and everything kinda feels faded and detached.

Shit, he feels more exhausted now than he does after any sort of training.

space_hero: yeah ur right

usotsuki: When am I not?

space_hero: ... shut up

usotsuki: ;)

space_hero: thanks for talking to me

space_hero: and helping me

space_hero: and even for telling me that I’m an idiot

usotsuki: I’d be glad to call you that anytime~

space_hero: yeah yeah

space_hero: you free tomorrow?

usotsuki: Are you going to face your problems tomorrow?

space_hero: fuck. guess so

space_hero: I have to eventually, right?

usotsuki: Glad to see you’ve made some progress!

usotsuki: I’m free tomorrow, same time as today

space_hero: k

space_hero: cya

usotsuki: Looking forward to it~

usotsuki has gone offline

Kaito stares blankly at his screen before he closes his eyes and sighs.

Feeling this tired after just only talking with someone doesn’t feel fair.

Slowly, he gets out of his seat, stretching his sore arms and yawning. Three hours have passed since the group chat started at 7, so Kaito completely missed dinner. Every part of him wants to just go and rest, but skipping meals is not a habit Kaito wants to fall into.

Ignoring the resistance in his legs, he slowly drags himself to the door and cracks it open. The hall is silent, which is surprising. Most of his classmates stick around for the weekdays and only go home during the weekend.

Kaito tries to remember if it’s some special holiday today or something, but nothing comes to mind.

He glances around as he makes his way to the dining hall, trying to appear as inconspicuous as possible. The silence irritates him, and Kaito wishes his friends were here with him to fill the silence and put him at ease.

Then again, if Shuichi and Maki were here, they might immediately notice something was off, and Kaito would be too tired to even try to defend himself. There’s no good alternative, and that realization makes Kaito sigh out of frustration.

“This is a mess.”

“What’s a mess?” A voice behind him asks.

Kaito springs away and quickly puts his guard up.

“You are,” he spews out, “if you think that creeping up on people is normal.”

Kokichi grins and pulls his arms behind his head. “It’s not my fault!” he complains, “You were sooo distracted! It’d be rude of me to leave you alone.”

“No, it’d be fucking normal!” he shouts. He brings his fist up and is ready to yell and argue with the annoying piece of shit, but suddenly his arm sags and he has to close his eyes for a moment to suppress a wave of dizziness.

Kokichi opens his mouth to share some clever retort, but Kaito doesn't care. He turns on his heel and continues walking to the lunch hall. “Go bother somebody else, Kokichi.”

He hears Kokichi move to follow him and Kaito speeds up out of frustration. “Leave me alo–”

“Nobody else is here!” Kokichi runs up in front of him to block his path, but Kaito just walks around him.

“Everyone went home tonight. Shuichi, Kaede, Rantaro, the killer—” Kaito ignores that and keeps walking, “—even Ryoma found somewhere to go! He acts like he lives a lonely and depressing life, but he’s totally lying.”

“Leave Ryoma fucking alone,” he snarls. “And while you’re at it, quit following me.”

“But I’m boooored,” the kid whines. “And you’re the only one here.”

He feels a tug on his jacket and finds Kokichi clinging to him. He stops to prevent either of them from tripping, and Kokichi uses that time to start crying.

“Kaaaaitooo, play with mee,” he wails. Kaito tries to pull his arm away but the little leech refuses to let go of his sleeve.

“Let go!”

“No!”

“Let—GO!” With a harsher shove, Kaito shoves Kokichi flying across the hall, but the careless prick clutched the jacket so tightly than both of them ended up being pulled down.

“Fuck-” Kaito cries.

His head smacks against the floor and all Kaito can think to do is force air down his throat so that he doesn’t start coughing up blood.

His chest erupts with pain but Kaito refuses to care. He demands for his body to get up immediately. His arms take too long to push up against the ground, but he manages to painfully force himself back onto his feet.

Kaito can feel his body swaying, from exhaustion and pain and from fucking colliding with the ground. He tries to glance at the stupid nuisance lying on the floor, but his vision blurs as he tries to focus.

He can at least tell that Kokichi hasn’t moved from the floor, and is watching him silently. He can’t make out the expression on his face, but Kaito hopes it’s malicious and evil, because he grabs his coat off the ground and leaves the liar alone on the ground.

———

Practically falling onto the door handle, Kaito feels like it’s a miracle he even made it back to his room.

His vision is blurry and his head is pounding, but finally out of sight, he allows himself to collapse onto his bed.

More than exhausted, he tries to find comfort in his star-studded sheets, but the coughs he had been holding back finally burst out.

Covering his mouth, Kaito tries to control himself, but it doesn’t stop. Blood drips down his arms. He tries to drag his arms up to climb out of the bed, but his body refuses to move.

Kaito coughs and coughs, and all he can do is watch galaxies drown in his blood until everything goes dark.

Chapter Text

Thirty minutes late, Kaito strolls through his classroom door.

His teacher happens to be late again, something Kaito normally finds annoying. This time, he appreciates it. After waking up late (he hadn’t been able to set an alarm while passing out), he had quickly thrown his stained bed sheets into his closet and replaced them with new ones. Then he had ran into his washroom to brush his teeth, only to realize that his face had been painted with blood. So then he had to take a shower, which meant he had to style his hair, and by the time he had his trademark purple coat slung over his arm, he had given up on getting to class on time. Needless to say, Kaito is now more than pleased with the tardiness of his teacher.

He had walked slowly through the campus, trying to give his head a chance to clear up. The cooler breeze had made it feel easy to breathe again. The relaxed stroll might have had him feeling at an all-week best had it not been for how exhausted he felt. Every step felt like a battle. His thoughts were muddled and his eyes refused to remain fully open. If he hadn’t walked along the same path to class every day, Kaito feels certain he would have gotten himself lost.

Now trying to focus on heading to his seat near the back of the class, Kaito almost misses the obnoxious sound of his most annoying classmate telling a story—one that makes him freeze in place.

“Yeah, yeah!! And then he shoved me onto the ground! I got hurt really badly, but that mean bully didn’t care at all! He left me alone on the ground to die, and... all I could think about while I cried was… what did I do wrong this time?”

It’s at that point Kokichi begins to cry. He’s surrounded by a crowd of people, and even though Kaito knows the liar is faking it, he still finds himself asking, “What happened?”

Rantaro, Gonta, and Tenko—the three students actually listening to Kokichi—all turn to glare at him with a disapproving look.

‘Oh shit,’ he realizes. ‘He was talking about me.’

Kaito immediately looks around for support, but Shuichi and Maki are caught up in a discussion with Kaede.

Taking an involuntary step back, he raises his arms in defence. “Look, that’s totally not what happened, alright?”

The three don’t budge.

“Kokichi wouldn’t leave me alone last night, and after practically jumping on top of me, we both fell to the ground.”

Gonta starts to look confused, but Rantaro and Tenko don’t look at all convinced.

“So you didn't shove Kokichi onto the ground,” Rantaro asks incredulously.

“Of course not!” Kaito shouts—and then remembers that that actually... did happen, sort of.

The moment he lies—albeit accidentally—he was doomed. Rantaro’s expression morphed into his iconic ‘I’m disappointed in you’ face, and Tenko crouched into a fighting stance.

“I’d normally believe neither of you!” she declares. “But if you didn’t harm Kokichi, then why is he injured?!”

“He has some bruises,” Rantarou calmly elaborates, “that could have form from getting shoved into the ground.”

Kaito still can’t see the purple menace himself, blocked by Gonta’s gigantic form, but he imagines the kid grinning to himself—proud of his evil plan.

‘Plan to what? To annoy the shit out of me?’

“Okay,” he admits, “maybe I accidentally ended up shoving him away from me, but that’s because he was being annoying as hell!”

“So that excuses violence?” Tenko frowns. “How typical.” With that, she turns away from all the men and walks away.

“You know what Kokichi’s like!” he shouts after her.

“He’s harmless,” Rantaro states. Kaito hears a whimper from Kokichi, and Gonta turns to comfort him.

What a liar.

“What did he want from you?” Rantaro tries. Realizing that this is his last chance to defend himself, Kaito finally comes to the conclusion that this situation is utterly hopeless.

“To spend time with me,” he spits out, all definitely according to Kokichi’s stupid plan. Rantaro’s expression reaffirms his regret. “But I told him clearly that I wasn’t in the mood, and he was literally clinging to me, and refusing to let go.”

The adventurer doesn’t seem impressed, and Kaito knows he’s about to hear a lecture—but then the teacher finally walks in, and everyone is forced to return to their seats.

Trying to ignore his frustration, Kaito looks for a distraction. His eyes land on Shuichi, who always sits much closer to the front of class than Kaito likes to. His sidekick seems happy about something, which makes Kaito feel a little better.

He looks behind him to glance at Maki, but as he does so, his gaze falls on Kokichi. Reclined in his seat and looking far too pleased with himself, Kokichi notices Kaito looking at him and shoots him an overconfident evil grin.

Whipping back around, Kaito slams his desk with a fist and doesn’t pay attention to anything the teacher says for the rest of class.

———

The moment the 79th class is released for lunch, Kaito marches to Kokichi’s desk.

“What are you doing?”

Kokichi blinks up at him innocently. “What do you mean?”

He glares at the shorter kid. Kokichi stares back.

“So noooow you want to talk to me,” he eventually pouts, and then starts to pack his school supplies into his bag. Kaito wants to slam his hand over Kokichi’s notebooks to force him to pay attention to him, but he realizes people are watching him, and the last thing he wants to do in front of Rantaro and Tenko is actually act like a bully.

Suddenly reminded of how tired he feels, Kaito sighs, walks away from his own confrontation, and decides to save this discussion for another day.

Maki joins up with him on his way out and together they walk towards the school’s dining hall. “Is Kokichi giving you trouble?” she asks.

Rubbing his neck, Kaito frowns. “Yeah. It’s easy to ignore, until he starts getting other people involved.”

Maki stays silent, so he explains what happened last night—excluding the state he was left in—and once he’s done, she doesn’t seem too impressed.

“You didn’t notice if he hurt himself when he fell?” she asks. It’s a good point—one that Kaito doesn’t really understand either.

“He looked completely fine.” Or at least, Kaito thinks he did; he couldn’t exactly see very well after his head had smashed into the ground. “He was on the ground obviously—but there’s no way he could have actually gotten bruised from that fall.”

“I agree with that,” she states. “But if Rantaro was convinced, then it’s less likely that Kokichi was faking his injuries.”

Kaito frowns again. “So then he actually got hurt somehow.”

“Or,” she suggests, “he jumped onto the floor multiples times in order to frame you.” Kaito looks at her in disbelief, but Maki stares back entirely serious.

“Why the fuck would he do that?” he asks.

“To mess with you,” she guesses. “Or to get you in trouble. Or he wanted something from Rantaro.” Maki pauses. “Or he’s a masochistic sociopath.”

Kaito chuckles at that, even though he shouldn’t. Even Maki looks surprised, so he shakes his head. “I just—tired, sorry. who knows with that guy.”

Maki suddenly stops.

“What’s wrong?” Looking around, he doesn’t see anything of importance.

Maki is staring thoughtfully at the ground. “Is this where you and Kokichi fought?”

‘It wasn’t a fight,’ he protests internally, but after glancing around, he realizes that she’s right. It's the same path he took to the dining hall last night.

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

Maki points down to Kaito’s feet. “There’s blood on the floor.”

Glancing down, Kaito freezes. Yep. That’s definitely blood. His blood, from being sick.

Maki can’t know about that.

He looks back at Maki.

Maki stares right at him.

This is bad.

“If his injuries are real, then they were definitely inflicted before he spoke to you,” she comments, and suddenly Kaito remembers to breathe.

“Oh.”

Maki looks at him questioningly. He quickly tries to come with something to say, but he’s still not quite finished panicking.

“I guess so, yeah,” comes out lamely.

Maki rolls her eyes, and begins to walk. “If you don’t care, then I won’t waste my time thinking about him.”

Kaito runs up to walk with her and shakes his head. “Sorry, you made a good point—I’m just-”

“Tired,” Maki finishes. “Are you okay?” He hears the concern in her voice and he can’t explain how much he appreciates it, how lucky he feels to be able to hear genuine concern from the girl who’s renowned for being completely closed off to everyone.

But… that just reminds him of how much she has to lose.

“I think I hit my head when I fell yesterday,” he admits.

Maki glances at him and bites her lip. “I’m going to kill Kokichi.”

Kaito tenses up immediately. It’s definitely not the first time she’s uttered those words, and Kaito knows it won’t be the last.

Still, the violent memory of Maki strangling Kokichi resurfaces in his mind. Halfway through their first year at Hope’s Peak, Kokichi revealed Maki’s true talent to the class—something she was desperately trying to hide. It took the combined efforts of the entire class to convince her to let go, and ever since then Kaito has been carefully trying to get Maki to hate the small guy a little less, with little to no effect.

“Look, it’s not a big deal, and—”

“Not a big deal?” Maki asks, with a rare and sudden ferocity that makes Kaito’s head spin. “What if you seriously got hurt and had to go the hospital? What if Kokichi had cost you your career?”

Kaito can only stare at Maki, not used to seeing her so upset, nor understanding her leap in logic.

“Maki Roll, I’m—”

“Don’t call me that!” she shouts. Now Kaito starts to panic, because this is all happening way too suddenly, or maybe he’s just far too tired to follow.

Horrified, he watches as Maki suddenly takes a step away from him.

He tries to close the gap, aiming to shuffle closer to Maki, but the sudden stress runs a searing pain through his head, forcing him to struggle just to stay upright.

Further away, Maki takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. When they carefully open again, she stares at the ground.

Kaito’s confused.

“Sorry,” she eventually mutters. “I just hate it when you do that.”

Watching her calm down, Kaito is able to as well—but his head still hurts and he’s still completely confused. “Do what?”

Maki opens her mouth to explain, but then she quickly closes it. “Nevermind. Let’s just go eat.”

He tries to protest, but Maki marches down the hall without him.

‘What… just happened?’

———

Arriving at the dining hall, he finds Maki talking to Rantaro. He’s about to join them until Rantaro’s gaze flicks up at him. Clearly they’re talking about him, so he chooses to grab some food instead.

‘It’s about time I get to eat.' He can feel the missed dinner and breakfast clawing at his stomach.

After stacking everything the five-star buffet has to offer onto his plate, he searches for somewhere to sit. Maki’s still unavailable. Shuichi looks like he’s having a really good time talking to Kaede, and Kaito doesn’t want to interrupt that.

So, he ends up sitting with Gonta and Ryoma. Kaito tries to enjoy a peaceful conversation with them, but he feels like he’s on autopilot—far too tired because of Maki’s weird attitude, Kokichi’s annoying antics, and everything that happened last night.

They spend all of their lunch break talking about something (he can barely remember what happens—he's so tired ). As they walk back to class, the only thing Kaito feels satisfied with is the fact that he finally had something to eat.

His feet drag across the floor. He walks past the blood on the ground, and his head spins a little more.

Somehow, he makes it back to his desk. Sliding into his chair, Kaito realizes he still has to go to training after school—and promptly collapses onto his desk.

———

Pain. That's the only thing he feels the consciousness slowly draws on him. His back, his arms—everything hurts. 

It’s with that thought that Kaito notices the pounding headache. Confused, he blinks slowly and pulls his head up from the blurry desk. The pain swells suddenly as he opens his eyes, instantly making him regret that decision.

Completely disoriented, he tries to focus his eyes through the pain. It takes him a few seconds, but he blinks away the fog only to find Shuichi and Maki standing in front of his desk. Shuichi looks confused, but Maki looks downright pissed.

“I knew it,” she grumbles. “He said he hit his head last night, but I didn’t think he had a concussion.”

“Last night?” Shuichi asks. “What happened?”

“Kokichi,” is the only information she offers.

Shuichi disappears from sight (does he?—Kaito can barely think with his headache) leaving Kaito to attempt to focus on Maki.

“You’re an idiot,” she tells him.

Kaito can only groan in response as he runs his hands over his face. He’s felt tired and sick before, but now everything just aches. It hurts to move his arms, his chest feels like it’s going to burst, and every thought of pain only makes his head hurt more.

Shuichi is back. Kaito tries to get out from the desk, but as soon as he stands up, his legs start to wobble.

Shuichi moves to catch him, but Maki is faster. With her help, he leans back against his desk, barely stable.

“Why didn’t you mention anything?” Maki asks. Shuichi packs up Kaito’s stuff. He tries to reach down and do it himself, but stops when his vision blurs.

“I didn’t realize anything was wrong,” Kaito absentmindedly admits, before biting his tongue with regret. The reason he felt “normal” was because of how he already felt after months of illness, further elevated from how tired he had felt after his three hour long chat—neither of which he’s willing to mention.

The Ultimate Detective is giving him a really focused look, so Kaito concentrates all his attention onto Maki. “Sorry, I would have said something if I had realized. I wouldn’t want you to worry.” The last part was certainly true.

Maki looks completely unimpressed, but she buys it. “Well you’re doing a terrible job,” she huffs. “If you don’t want me to worry about you, go see the nurse.”

“But—–” Kaito objects, “we have training?”

Whatever the detective was concentrating on is lost as Shuichi doubles back. “Kaito! You can’t be serious. You need rest.”

Kaito’s about to disagree, but he can feel Maki’s threatening glare without even looking at her. It makes his head hurt.

Unable to think of any half-reasonable argument, Kaito subsides. “Fine, fine, I’ll go rest.”

“No,” Maki corrects, “You’re going to the nurse.”

Kaito can’t do that. If they look up his medical record, find out about his illness, discover that he’s barely hanging onto the title of ‘astronaut’, and realize how completely screwed he is—he'll probably be kicked out of the school.

‘But if they thought I’m screwed… well… they’d be wrong. Because I’m not.’

“Concussions are very serious,” Shuichi notes. “You’re very lucky that nothing happened while you slept.”

Lucky might be the last word Kaito would use to describe himself right now.

Looking for any way out, he aims for a slightly more preferable option. “Look, how about I go to Kirumi instead?”

“Kirumi has better things to—”

“Alright, if you promise to go see her.”

Maki immediately glares at Shuichi. Kaito would have laughed at Shuichi trying not to cower from her gaze, but Kaito’s been on the receiving end of that glare far too many times to not sympathize.

“We can’t force him to go to the nurse—” “ Yes we can.” “ — and since Mikan Tsumiki graduated, Kirumi may be one of the most suited in this school to help Kaito.”

All three of them know it’s a weak argument, but Maki can’t say that Shuichi is wrong.

Hesitantly, she relents. “Fine.” Maki whips around to glare at Kaito. “But we’re coming with you.”

Kaito doesn’t even try to protest as he can barely move without falling over.

Maki moves underneath him and helps him stand up. Slowly, they make their way back to the dorms, following the same path that Kaito had walked earlier that morning. Shuichi struggles to carry all three of their bags, but when Kaito offers to carry his own bag, his sidekick claims that this is his training and walks more vigorously.

It takes far too long for Kaito’s liking, but eventually they make their way to Kirumi’s room. Kaito dedicates all his attention to standing upright as Shuichi and Maki explain the situation to the Ultimate Maid. He’s escorted inside her room as Kirumi asks the two of them to leave. As the door closes, he memorizes the expressions on his sidekicks’ faces.

Kirumi asks him questions and he tries his hardest to respond, but he’s too tired to think any more.

An extra bed is set up for him, and he lays down on it, reeling at how exhausted his legs feel once they’re off the ground. Kirumi’s doing something—Kaito doesn’t know: staying awake is quickly starting to become impossible for him. His eyes keep falling shut of their own accord, but even when they’re open, his vision seems to almost dim, as if someone was turning down the brightness of his reality. It might’ve concerned him more, if he could manage to string together a cohesive sentence in his own mind, but Kaito’s too far gone at this point.

At some point, Kaito’s hearing falters, hollows and ultimately slips away from him, too, but Kaito barely notices.

The lights are shut off, and Kirumi leaves the room. As Kaito drops into unconsciousness, the images of Shuichi’s concerned face and Maki’s cold expression scream for his attention, as incoherent as it is, leaving him with one final, delirious and flimsy thought.

‘I can never tell them.’

———

He wakes to a gentle nudge.

His eyes are greeted with a pleasant dim light. As he sits up, he notices Kirumi by his side.

“G’mornin?” he mutters, totally displaced in time.

“I’m afraid it’s only 3am,” she informs him, “but I needed to see how you were doing.”

Kaito runs a hand through his hair before concentrating. He still feels like shit, but the headache is gone. He can actually think now, which somehow feels worlds beyond amazing. His vision is back to normal too, and he doesn’t feel like he’s about to crumple at the slightest provocation.

His chest and throat feel surprisingly better too. He hadn’t realized how much pain he had been in until it all disappeared.

Instinctively, he moves to wipe his chin. Surprisingly, he doesn’t find single speck of blood.

‘Finally. I deserve some good luck after everything.’

“I’m feeling a lot better,” Kaito smiles. He feels amazing, and all he wants is this feeling to last forever—

but it won’t. Not with his illness.

His smile disappears, and Kaito suddenly feels very cold.

“After what happened today, I’m hesitant to believe you.”

There’s no good argument to that, so Kaito shrugs. “I trust your opinion a lot more than I trust mine right now,” he concedes easily.

Kirumi nods. “You do seem a lot better. If you’d like, we can move you to your room. I’ll check up on you again in the morning.”

“Yeah,” he replies, “sounds good.” He slides off the bed to stand. Apparently he hadn’t learnt his lesson from last time, because immediately his legs begin to buckle.

Expecting this, Kirumi has already moved to help him keep his balance. She helps him out of the room, and they make the short walk to his own room together. Kaito tries his best to not to feel embarrassed about the amount of times he’s needed help today.

“You only had a very minor concussion,” she comments on the way. “Your symptoms were heavily amplified due to physical and mental exhaustion; that’s why you’re feeling better, yet still can barely walk.”

Kaito sighs. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

Kirumi shoots him a glance, and Kaito struggles to ignore it. “You must take better care of yourself.”

He doesn’t really have a response to that. Not when he doesn’t have control over anything anymore.

“If not for yourself, then for Shuichi and Maki. They were both extremely concerned for you.”

'That’s the problem!’ he wants to shout. The images of their faces pop up again. Kaito nearly falls over.

Kirumi catches him again, and they finish their walk in silence.

Once they reach the door, Kaito smiles at the ultimate maid. “Thanks for taking care of me.”

“Of course,” she replies. “I’ll refrain from reporting this to the school, but should your condition worsen, I won’t hesitate.”

He bites his tongue. ‘My “condition” is only going downhill from here.’

“That’s fair,” he forces out. “Thanks for your concern. You’re way too awesome.”

Kirumi smiles at that; it makes Kaito feels a little better about the whole situation.

“I’ll be here in the morning,” she reminds him.

Kaito nods and enters his room. With a “good night," he slowly closes the door.

After such a chaotic and crazy day, Kaito finally finds himself alone.

As he gets ready for bed, he tries to feel happy about all the concern others were giving him, but it just makes him feel a thousand times worse.

There’s a growing empty feeling in his stomach. Kaito can’t tell if it’s a symptom of his illness, his exhaustion, or something else entirely.

Cold and ill, Kaito crawls into bed. He’s not sure if he prefers tonight’s ending over yesterday’s.

Chapter Text

Harsh coughs viciously rip through his throat. Kaito tries to interrupt the remorseless chain, but it takes a few minutes of careful breathing for him to even begin to get a hold of himself.

“What a way to wake up,” he groans, pushing away his blankets.

He goes to wipe his face, and is somewhat grateful to discover that he hasn’t coughed up any blood this time.

‘It’ll come back.’ With that dull thought, any sparks of excitement are washed away.

Gauging from the sunlight, it’s around ten. Is there anything he's supposed to do today? What day is is any way, Friday? Saturday? Lethargically slipping through hazy memories from yesterday's class, he reasons today should be Saturday and relaxes back into bed. An unexpected basket is sitting on his desk. Curiosity piqued, he slowly pulls himself out from his bed. His legs are still sore, but Kaito is pleased to find himself walking with ease.

A tray full of healthy but delicious-looking breakfast food is placed on his desk, accompanied by a elegantly written note.

‘Kirumi,’ he reasons. ‘Of course.’

She explains that she had come to check on him earlier in the morning, and that she was confident that he had recovered to an acceptable extent. “Unfortunately, I had other tasks to accomplish outside of the school, so I couldn’t wait for you to wake up. I prepared for you a breakfast tray with a selection that I hope you will enjoy. Please call me immediately if you need anything else, and I’ll find a way to assist you. All I ask for in return is that you take better care of yourself.”

With that, Kirumi signs her name. Kaito grins and feels lucky to have such a helpful and thoughtful classmate.

Stuffing a croissant into his mouth, he pulls out his phone. There are a few messages from Shuichi, asking if he’s feeling better and if he wants anything from the city. Maki's are more simple. “You’re an idiot. Keep me updated.” Kaito chuckles and responds to them both.

The image of their worried faces bubbles up in the back of his mind, but Kaito pays it no mind and types faster.

Focused on his phone, he goes to grab more of Kirumi’s amazing food—and ends up smacking his hand against his computer keyboard.

The screen lights up, and Kaito’s eyes dart towards the sudden brightness.

The home desktop fills the display. One of Kaito’s favourite galaxy photos frames the swarm of organized folders of images and school notes. Setting down his phone and leaning closer to the monitor, Kaito's attention is eventually drawn to the application icon for the online group program—and the 73 missed notifications noted in a bright red circle.

‘Oh.’

“Oh shit.”

Immediately Kaito begins to panic as he finally remembers he was meant to be online last night.

He quickly grabs for his mouse and slams down his cursor onto the application. A stupidly slow loading bar appears, and Kaito spams the left-click button on his mouse in sheer panic.

After an agonizingly long moment, the program springs open. His apprehension melts away when he sees that a majority of the messages are from casual conversation in the main group chat.

He drags his cursor over to his private conversation with usotsuki.

>> usotsuki: Are you coming?

Kaito checks for a timestamp, but he can’t find any.

>> usotsuki: It’s been forty minutes.

>> usotsuki: Something has come up so I can’t wait any longer

>> usotsuki: but don’t worry

>> usotsuki: I’m sure something happened on your end, so just message me when you can

>> usotsuki: or message the group chat if you need someone to talk to.

>> usotsuki: I’ll be back tomorrow!

Kaito checks, but usotsuki isn’t online. He still feels the need to immediately reply.

space_hero: shit im sorry

space_hero: i had to deal with some unexpected stuff

space_hero: i’ll tell you about it later since now i kinda owe you

space_hero: everything okay on your end?

He stares at the screen, hoping something would happen. It feels shitty to ditch a person like this. Even though yesterday’s events had come completely out of nowhere, Kaito entirely forgotten about the meeting. It's lucky that usotsuki was smart enough to not panic or worry about him.

Still, Kaito doesn’t like it. It feels like breaking a promise.

‘And what if— what if I had actually—’

Kaito abruptly springs out of his seat. The desk jumps, the metal tray to clattering in place.

He freezes in place as he watches until the metal tray shimmers to halt. In seconds, the atmosphere of his room has dropped from peaceful and comforting to something heavy and dark.

Some moments pass before Kaito catches that he's spacing out. Tension pulls on his muscles; his wrists strain from the curled fists his hands have formed into.

He breathes in. It’s shaky, but he forces himself to just focus on breathing in and out until his hands relax and he’s able to calm down.

Frustrated and annoyed with this dramatic attitude, he marches towards his closet and slams open the double doors.

He busies himself in the next few minutes by going through his morning routine, as if he had somewhere to go today. It’s not until he’s styling his hair up that he remembers that there isn’t anything to do. No training, no appointments; most of his classmates are already gone for the weekend.

Finishing up with his hair, Kaito cleans up his supplies and starts to pace around his room, desperate to find some idea of what to do

‘Is anyone around today?’

He reasons that if Rantaro was actually there for school yesterday, then he's probably still hanging around for a while before leaving to travel again. Right now, the relaxed adventurer is just about the one classmate that Kaito feels like he has enough energy to chat with. But Kaito doesn’t know how well Maki’s conversation went with him the other day, so Rantaro may or may not still get on his case for supposedly beating up Kokichi or something.

Considering how frustrating yesterday was, Kaito doesn’t feel like dealing with that irritating nonsense.

He quickly runs through the list. Angie, Miu, and Kokichi are the only others who would be around on the weekend. Angie’s likely to be locked up alone in the art room, Miu probably took over the engineering lab again, and fuck if he’s going anywhere near Kokichi right now.

“Why can’t anyone normal ever stick around,” he groans.

Kaito stares desperately at the clock. 10:35. He hasn’t even been awake for half an hour and he already wants the day to be over.

…

“No.” he scolds. “That’s stupid. I have the entire day to spend time accomplishing anything I'd like.”

Kaito goes to grab his iconic coat, but a sudden surge of impulsivity overwhelms him and he finds himself holding it out in the air in front of him.

The galaxies and stars steal his attention until a sharp sense of dread pricks his heart. Thoughtlessly, he clutches the fabric tighter.

“I’m going to space,” Kaito reminds himself. Without giving himself a chance to dwell on it further, he throws the coat on, tosses his phone and keys into a gym bag he hasn’t touched in weeks, and heads out to work on achieving his dream.

———

Four hours. Kaito holds himself together for three hours of simple moderate level exercise before his body demands he stop.

It’s not what he had hoped for, but he’ll take what he can and work with it. Next time, he’ll try for four.

It has never felt better to be physically exhausted. Screw a bullshit illness and emotional drama: his muscles ache because he demanded it. He’s tired on his own terms. He’s actually in control for once, and it feels great.

By the time he’s showered and changed back into casual clothes, it’s past two. He quickly stops by the cafeteria to grab lunch, and then heads back to his room.

The day is far from over, and Kaito still doesn’t know what he’ll do for the rest of the of it, but now he can face himself knowing that he’s tried his hardest to put his time to good use instead of just moping around all day.

After throwing his clothes in the laundry and pre-preparing his bag for the next time he impulsively decides to head out, Kaito remembers to check his laptop for any new messages.

Usotsuki still hasn’t shown up. Kaito’s glad that they didn’t miss each other again, but can’t help but feel disappointed.

Checking the main group chat, he finds that a few others are listed as online. Kaito remembers shuuyou_ni, dowasure, and se1k1 from the group discussion, but there are two names he doesn't recognize: nanashi and kiodo.

There's no discussion going on, so he sits down in his chair, pulls up to the desk, and starts one.

space_hero: hey, what’s up?

Not the most eloquent conversation starter, but it seems to work.

nanashi: hey! not much, you?

space_hero: same

dowasure: nice username

se1k1: ^^

space_hero: thanks

Space hero. It’s certainly something he’s probably called himself before, but in this different environment, it doesn’t feel as right.

space_hero: it doesn’t really fit the theme you guys have going on

se1k1: That’s okay! There aren’t any rules about usernames; the pattern was mostly a coincidence.

nanashi: ^^ yeah, dw about it

kiodo: oh hey!

kiodo: I wasn’t here on thursday

kiodo: Welcome to our group chat!

space_hero: Thanks! nice to meet you

Kaito makes a face at his own message. Not being able to express tone or expression will always feel weird to him.

kiodo: you too ^-^

nanashi: ah sorry bad timing but I have to go

dowasure: cya

space_hero: see you

kiodo: talk to you later!

nanashi: yeah, cya!

The name disappears from the list. Shuuyou also doesn’t seem to be online anymore.

dowasure: anything in particular anyone wants to talk about?

se1k1: Not at the moment, do you have something in mind?

kiodo: go ahead!

Nobody writes anything for a moment. Kaito wonders if he’s supposed to clarify as well.

space_hero: nope

dowasure: oh okay

dowasure: I don’t actually have anything either, lol

kiodo: anyone got some any interesting plans coming up?

se1k1: The only plans I have right now involve studying and resting...

kiodo: ugh, same.

dowasure: exams?

se1k1: Tests.

space_hero: is everyone here in high school?

kiodo: yep

se1k1: Unfortunately

dowasure: ^

space_hero: School can be a pain, but it’s important

se1k1: I know…

se1ki: School work is actually fun, usually!

se1k1: It’s the people that make it difficult.

se1k1: It’s hard to enjoy class when you don’t have friends.

dowasure: hey, if you enjoy school, don’t let awful people ruin your fun

kiodo: Finding good friends can be hard, and it’s difficult being alone when you’re surrounded by people

kiodo: but it’s important to keep trying your best! Find something worth your attention and give it all you’ve got!

space_hero: It can be tough, but focus on what you want to achieve

space_hero: Try your hardest to become who you want to be, and don’t let anyone stand in your way

space_hero: Fight for your future with no regrets.

dowasure: and if you have a bad day, or whenever you need encouragement, we’ll be here

kiodo: Hopefully you’ll find the people nearby that deserve your friendship

se1k1: asdfghjkl

se1k1: Thank you, you’re all really kind! <3

dowasure: we’re probably not helping you with your homework that well

se1k1: Ah, I already forgot.

se1k1: Alright!

se1k1: I’m motivated right now, so I’m going to go finish, and come back later.

kiodo: good luck!!

dowasure: ^

space_hero: ^

se1k1: <3 Goodbye!

The number of users jumps down to three. It’s 3:50, and still nothing from usotsuki.

dowasure: oh shoot

dowasure: I forgot I had to go pick up my brother

kiodo: again??

dowasure: I HAVE TO GO

space_hero: see you later?

kiodo: good luck

Another name disappears, leaving him and kiodo alone. He pauses and goes to check the chatter’s profile. Kiodo’s a girl, and 17. Everything else is blank, but Kaito’s starting to realize that almost everyone has a profile like that.

space_hero: again??

kiodo: This is the third time he’s forgotten to pick his brother up...

kiodo: Don’t worry though, it’s more functional than it sounds

space_hero: it doesn’t sound functional at all

kiodo: hah, that’s true

space_hero: do you two know each other?

space_hero: in real life, i mean. you seem close

kiodo: We’ve both been here for a while, so we know each other pretty well

space_hero: oh, that’s cool

kiodo: I think we live sort of near each other, but it’s better just keeping this anonymous, right?

kiodo: It’s nice to be able to talk freely, without having to worry about meeting people’s expectations

Kaito frowns at the screen. A vague feeling of recognition surfaces, but he quickly pushes it away.

space_hero: is that something you have trouble with?

kiodo: Oh, I guess I’m not being very subtle, aren’t I…

kiodo: Whenever I’m tired or just having a bad day, my friends get all surprised that I’m not cheerful all the time

kiodo: It’s kinda ridiculous, isn’t it?

space_hero: yeah of course!

space_hero: your friends should be offering support, and not be getting upset that you can’t act the way they want

‘Of course,’ Kaito considers, ‘there could be more to the other side of the story…’

kiodo: YES!

kiodo: I needed to hear that, thanks.

kiodo: I was worried that I was being completely unreasonable...

space_hero: np

space_hero: wish I could help you out somehow

kiodo: You’ve got your own stuff to deal with too, right? Focus on yourself a little.

Kaito stares at the screen.

kiodo: Hey, you can’t not respond to that!

space_hero: I’m doing what I can

kiodo: Would you like to talk about it privately?

space_hero: thanks for offering, but nah

kiodo: Let me know if you change your mind! We’re all here to help each other, after all.

kiodo: Sorry for the abrupt timing, but I should go now

kiodo: It was nice meeting you!

space_hero: same here! You’re a really cool person

space_hero: good luck with your friends

kiodo: you definitely live up to your username!

He can’t stop himself from grinning.

space_hero: I actually really wanted to hear that. thanks.

kiodo: ...

kiodo: I have a lot to say about that, but no time.

Kaito grimaces.

kiodo: Just believe in yourself a little, alright?

usotsuki: Don’t worry, I’ll talk some sense into him.

Kaito’s eyes dart to the user list, confirming that usotsuki is finally online.

A notification pops up from their private chat, so he quickly switches over.

>>   space_hero: everything okay on your end?

usotsuki: is that your question?

Kaito laughs. After waiting all day, he understands not wanting to wait to jump into their… game, of sorts—but this still is a conversation, isn’t it?

space_hero: hello to you too?

usotsuki: oh

usotsuki: it’s been a long day, and I’ve been waiting to talk with you again.

Kaito’s not really sure what to say to that.

space_hero: sorry about yesterday

space_hero: I feel really shitty about it

space_hero: long story short, I passed out

usotsuki: well, that’s certainly short

Kaito tries to find some better way to explain it, but finds that he’d rather talk about absolutely anything else.

space_hero: it ties in with the other stuff

space_hero: What happened on your end?

There’s a long pause before usotsuki starts typing.

usotsuki: Oh, nothing really happened.

usotsuki: Some people kept banging on my door and wouldn’t leave me alone

usotsuki: I ignored them for about 20 minutes, but it eventually got annoying, so I went to go deal with it.

space_hero: oh okay

space_hero: what did they want?

Another pause.

usotsuki: If you think I’m going to let you keep stalling, you’re wrong.

Kaito huffs.

space_hero: hey, trust me a little

space_hero: I’m not asking to stall

Usotsuki doesn’t offer him any response. Kaito supposes that he’s not going to be able convince the guy, which simply irritates him more.

‘But getting mad won’t do me any good. He’s waiting for me to talk, so…’

Trying his best to ignore the cold sensation of terror yearning for him to turn his computer off and stop before it’s too late, he glances around the program interface.

space_hero: is there a way to do voice chat?

usotsuki: why?

Kaito scoffs. “At least answer the question.”

space_hero: it’d be easier

usotsuki: yeah of course it would

usotsuki: which is exactly why I would refuse

space_hero: seriously?

usotsuki: except I’m not able to do a voice call now anyways.

space_hero: but it’s possible?

usotsuki: yep!

space_hero: then maybe I should wait until you can

usotsuki: You’re desire to stall isn’t going to do anything for anyone.

usotsuki: It’s clear that you weren’t able to face your problems like you said you would

usotsuki: but you promised you’d tell me, and the time has come.

“Tch.” Kaito feels the urge to get angry again, but even he can realize how pointless it’d be.

usotsuki: you’re the one who said that asking the question of “why are you here” would be worth it.

usotsuki: was that a lie?

Kaito narrows his eyes at the screen,

space_hero: stop

space_hero: you don’t have to get me angry

space_hero: let’s just

space_hero: do this

No one types anything. Kaito tenses up as he waits for a response, but nothing comes. The room feels colder as he moves his hands onto the keyboard.

space_hero: okay

He presses enter without thinking about it. He scrutinizes his message, and then drags his fingers over keys to try again.

Typing is annoying because he has to actually… think about what he says. He can’t just spit it out.

—but, it’s only eight pushes into the keyboard. That’s all it takes.

He stares at his keys, eyes tracing over the few he needs to press.

‘Just fucking do it.’

His hands begin to tremor. The surprise momentarily stuns all of his self-control, and his hands fall onto the keys and completely miss their target.

He glares at his hands—the frustration and anger making him feel colder and smaller than before.

Fueled by impatience, Kaito hauls his right hand to the backspace key, and starts anew.

Screwing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth, he ignores how his fingers tremble against the keys, and lines them up in place. He jabs his fingers down onto what he reckons are the correct keys. He doesn’t trust that he ends up pressing the right ones, but he’s so desperate to rid himself of the foreign and repulsive anxiety that he doesn’t think twice before smashing the enter key.

His eyes remain closed and muscles tight and rigid. Frozen. The world dark, unobserved. Kaito tries to find a calm in this void, but all he can feel the strain as he breathes in, out, in—why is it suddenly so hard to breathe in? Something wraps around his lungs, grips, and strangles. Kaito gasps desperately for air that sharply scrapes against his throat. The breath that wheezes out is just as painful. He slides his hands to the edge of his desk and grips onto the wood so tightly that either the wood or arms are going to snap.

His body heaves and lets out another pained breath. The tension tearing his chest apart remains as he carefully tries to control himself. He opens his eyes, keeps his head low, and focuses on breathing.

He counts the seconds in his head, desperately focusing on anything else that the millions of fears threatening to spill into his hastily-fortified train of thought.

*ding*

The piercing sound throws off his delicate rhythm.

“I’m going to have to look up eventually,” he tells himself with an airy laugh, but nothing is funny.

Begrudgingly, he drags his head up and forces his burning eyes to focus on the screen in front him.

space_hero: i’m sick

Kaito inhales sharply. His head begins to spin, and he feels sick, and he feels scared and small and cold, and—

He bangs his hands down on the desk.

“That’s ENOUGH! ”

In the silent room, the furious shout echoes through his head. Kaito latches onto his own demand, uses it to ground himself enough to pull his thoughts together. Then, as determination builds, he glares at the screen.

usotsuki: oh

usotsuki: im sorry

He breathes in, then out. In. Out.

space_hero: its not your fualt

space_hero: fault

usotsuki: is it terminal?

“No,” he grits out—pointlessly. Kaito lets out a frustrated sigh, and actively blocks out the screeching wails of denial that cry through his head.

space_hero: i don’t know

space_hero: no one does

usotsuki: does it hurt?

The burning in his throat and tightness in his chest seem to amplify, as if his body is trying to answer the question.

Kaito manages to construct a small smile.

space_hero: its my turn for a question, isn’t it?

The sad grin manages to hold itself together for only a few more seconds after usotsuki doesn’t respond.

Kaito pushes down everything, and scrapes his mind for the questions that usotsuki had left him.

space_hero: what did those people want from you yesterday?

usotsuki: to shout at me for apparently hurting their friend

usotsuki: how bad is the pain?

space_hero: it’s nothing

usotsuki: Don’t lie.

Kaito clicks his tongue.

space_hero: Whatever I’m feeling now could always be infinitely worse

space_hero: so, it’s nothing.

space_hero: Why did they think you hurt their friend?

usotsuki: Because they’re idiots, who believe every lie they hear.

usotsuki: Are you scared?

space_hero: of what?

usotsuki: dying

space_hero: i don’t know

space_hero: are you?

usotsuki: I’m waiting to find out

usotsuki: If you’re managing the pain, and you’re not actively scared of dying, then what are you so worried about?

Kaito stares paralyzed at the screen.

usotsuki: It’s those friends of yours, right?

space_hero: no.

usotsuki: what’s the point of lying here?

space_hero: why is your name usotsuki?

The conversation halts as the inquisitor finally pauses. Kaito takes this moment to close his eyes to relax his rising heart rate, while also intently focusing on not acknowledging any of his persistent troubling thoughts.

usotsuki: safety

usotsuki: how has your illness affected you?

Kaito grits his teeth. ‘Just answer so that you can ask him more questions,’ he tells himself.

space_hero: It’s just a new obstacle I have to face.

space_hero: it’s not going to affect me at all.

space_hero: what do you mean by “safety”?

usotsuki: protection

usotsuki: security

usotsuki: insurance

usotsuki: defense

usotsuki: reassurance

usotsuki: I’d ask if you want more, but I’m not wasting my question.

usotsuki: how do you feel now?

The ‘-after you’ve told me you’re sick’ feels implied, and Kaito curses the anonymous chatter for being the observant pain that he is, but in truth, his heart isn’t into it. He can’t even stay angry at usotsuki for his damned insight for more than half a second.

space_hero: Honestly?

space_hero: I feel like every part of myself is screaming at me for admitting it

space_hero: I think I also feel like I want to shout at myself

space_hero: I already knew that I couldn’t deny it forever, but also fck if I wasn’t going to try

space_hero: knowing that you could die at any moment and have no control over it

space_hero: being forced to let everyone down

space_hero: being forced to give up on my dreams

space_hero: why the fck would i ever want to believe it

space_hero: can’t believe i’m even able to write this

usotsuki: once you’re able to accept it, itll be easier for your friends to accept it as well

usotsuki: No one thinks you’re going to die, right?

space_hero: no

space_hero: not exactly

space_hero: no one

space_hero: has been able to prove that this won’t kill me

usotsuki: Who have you seen?

space_hero: everybody

usotsuki: would access to the best in the country help you?

space_hero: I’ve already been sent to the best available

usotsuki: Do you want to know what’s wrong with you?

space_hero: I don’t know

usotsuki: Do you want to know whether or not you’re going to die?

space_hero: i dont know

usotsuki: Do you think you would rather you die now than wait?

Kaito thinks of Shuichi and Maki. Their worried faces. How he’ll watch them fall apart and hate him for daring to enter their lives.

space_hero: I don’t know

As he slowly presses the enter key, he stares at what the hell he just wrote.

Instantly Kaito becomes aware of how riled up he’s gotten: his eyes are burning and the tension in his body feels overwhelmingly painful. He tries to gasp for a breath to calm down, but his lungs instead desperately clutch for air. Before he can react to the alarming realization that he’s about to hyperventilate, the rush of cold air bites harshly against his throat. There’s barely enough time for him to move his hand to cover his mouth before his vision and thoughts blackout and his whole body shakes and trembles from violent eruptions of blood.

His body convulses and trembles; he leans down onto the table, and furiously attempts to force air through his throat. Eventually he snatches a breath in between a cough, and his hold body turns rigid. “F-fuck,” he spits out.

Once the coughing relents and he’s able to obtain some control over himself, he grabs some nearby tissues and frantically tries to clean up his mess. He grabs a few more when he notices that a few drops of blood had scattered on his keyboard. Diligently, he scrubs in between each key, desperately trying to ignore the panic and disarray running through his mind.

‘How could you think that?’ reverberates through his head. ‘Are you that selfish?’

Kaito scrubs harder.

usotsuki: is that something you’ve thought about before?

Kaito drags his eyes away from the screen, grabs one last issue to wipe his hand with, and hides his stained collection of paper in the trash.

space_hero: what i said was wrong

space_hero: im living my life to the fullest

space_hero: until the end

The taste of blood is almost overwhelming. Kaito taps his keyboard hurriedly as he waits for usotsuki to respond. When nothing comes, he continues the conversation on his own, so that he isn’t left alone with the mess that is his current train of thought.

space_hero: why’s your name usotsuki?

space_hero: and give a real answer this time

usotsuki: stubborn

space_hero: Always.

usotsuki: I didn’t really want to share this, but you’ve surprisingly been a little bit honest today, so it’s only fair to match you.

usotsuki: If someone ever discovers who I am, or if I decide to leave the program, I can say it was all a lie. I can say that everything was an elaborate joke, or a scheme to find out information about others.

usotsuki: By claiming myself as a liar, I have this freedom.

Kaito frowns.

space_hero: wth dude

space_hero: that’s stupid

usotsuki: oh?

space_hero: first

space_hero: no one is going to believe that

space_hero: second, that’d just be painful for everyone you’ve met

space_hero: and especially for yourself

space_hero: why would you ever want to do that?

usotsuki: I have my reasons.

usotsuki: but it’s my turn for a question~

space_hero: I answered like five in a row!

usotsuki: well you didn’t object…

space_hero: fine.

usotsuki: :)

usotsuki: on the topic of lies~

usotsuki: why are you so defensive about lying?

space_hero: I’m not lying to you about anything!

usotsuki: I see.

space_hero: Why are you so obsessed with lies?

usotsuki: Why not?

The mental image of Kokichi pops up in his head. Kaito shudders.

space_hero: fair enough, let’s drop that topic.

usotsuki: sure

usotsuki: anything you want to ask about?

space_hero: uh

space_hero: can’t think of anything

space_hero: oh wait

space_hero: actually I was still wondering about what you said earlier

space_hero: you got accused of hurting somebody’s friend?

usotsuki: Oh, that.

usotsuki: I caused a small accident between me and this precious and fragile friend of theirs.

usotsuki: Apparently he got hurt, which isn’t possible. So last night I had to stand there and get yelled for something I knew I couldn’t have done.

space_hero: so then what actually happened?

usotsuki: I’m not sure, but I’d like to find out.

space_hero: why not just go ask the guy?

usotsuki: He’ll just lie.

usotsuki: And whatever he comes up with, everyone will believe him.

space_hero: tch

space_hero: that’s frustrating

space_hero: talk about a messed up coincidence

usotsuki: ?

space_hero: someone got injured and I was blamed for it

usotsuki: who?

space_hero: some lonely kid in my class

space_hero: he probably wanted attention or something, but im just too tired to deal with this

usotsuki: is your illness you making you more tired?

space_hero: no

space_hero: it really doesn’t affect me

usotsuki: do you really believe that?

space_hero: I’m not going to let it affect me

usotsuki: you said you passed out yesterday

space_hero: that was different

usotsuki: I don’t know anything about that happened

usotsuki: but would I be wrong to guess that it was caused by you stubbornly denying the state of your health?

space_hero: no

space_hero: i mean yes

space_hero: fuck

space_hero: that’s not right

usotsuki: then what happened?

Kaito frowns, trying to grasp for some more lenient explanation. As stubborn as he tries to be, he’s begrudgingly aware that he could have avoided the whole “passing out in class thing” if he hadn’t been trying so hard to ignore how shitty he felt.

usotsuki: I’m not trying to insult you by pointing out your horrible lies.

usotsuki: I don’t want something irreversible to happen to you because you’re clinging to denial.

usotsuki: Even now, by talking to me, you’re probably distracting yourself from how you’re feeling.

Kaito stares at the screen incredulously; an airy and tired laugh escapes him.

space_hero: you’re too good at this

usotsuki: At what?

space_hero: at

space_hero: i don’t know

space_hero: figuring everything out

space_hero: meanwhile I can’t even figure out if it’s cuz you’re just really smart

usotsuki: probably~

space_hero: or if it’s because you do the same things as me

Usotsuki takes a long time to respond.

usotsuki: Where’s the option that says that you’re just simple-minded and easy to read?

space_hero: same place where the “that wasn’t an obvious attempt at deflecting the topic” option is

After a moment, he adds:

space_hero: it doesn’t exist

usotsuki: Yep, got it.

usotsuki: I think you might be more observant than you realize

usotsuki: It’s hard to tell, though, since you act like an idiot.

space_hero: hey!!

space_hero: i’m not an idiot!!!

usotsuki: I agree~

usotsuki: but you act like one.

Kaito narrows his eyes at the words.

space_hero: idk what you’re trying to imply

space_hero: also quit changing the topic

space_hero: Aren’t you the one who said there’s no point in hiding stuff here?

space_hero: you told me you joined the program to find someone to talk to

space_hero: so talk

Usotsuki doesn’t respond for a while. As Kaito sits and waits, he keeps himself distracted by wondering how his conversation partner is reacting when they become quiet like this.

‘Annoyed? ...nah, they don’t hide it when they get mad. Maybe surprised?’

That seems like the right track. He doesn’t feel like he’s saying anything that usotsuki doesn’t already know. It feels more like they’re surprised to hear someone understand their behaviour.

Still waiting, he scrolls upwards and rereads the latest part of their conversation—pausing when he gets to his comment on how usotsuki might be able to figure him out so easily because they act in similar ways.

The idea brings about a frown, but before he’s able to consider the implications of that idea, a rapid series of new messages fill up his screen.

usotsuki: youre right

usotsuki: im not used to sharing

usotsuki: you were also right earlier when you asked if I was trying to use the game I proposed as a way to get myself to talk

usotsuki: i’m not comfortable with the idea of sharing anything about myself with other people

usotsuki: but eventually I wondered what it’d be like

usotsuki: to share with someone

usotsuki: so I used this username to give me the option of backing out

usotsuki: so that I could maybe try

usotsuki: but I suppose, now that I’ve explained that to you, I can’t fall back on it.

usotsuki: Honestly, explaining myself like this feels like I’m betraying every natural instinct I have.

usotsuki: It’s not exciting for me to try something new, nor is it difficult for me to adjust.

usotsuki: its only horrifying

usotsuki: and the only reason I haven’t stopped is because I know you can relate

usotsuki: if it’s this hard for me, I feel compelled to learn how hard it is for you

The natural objection dies before it reaches the keyboard. Kaito stares at his screen, never having experienced honesty feeling so uncomfortable.

An overwhelming surge of ideas for supportive and constructive comments fills his mind, but when he can’t help but feel the exact same way, they all sound like lies.

Begrudgingly he accepts that the only right thing to do here is be honest (and despises whatever part of his minds adds, ‘-for once.’)

space_hero: it’s the scariest thing I’ve done

space_hero: and considering some of the crazy stuff I’ve gone through, that’s something

space_hero: taking care of other people, trusting and believing in them, and supporting them no matter what

space_hero: all of that is easy

space_hero: but even considering admitting to anyone that I struggle with anything is a freaking nightmare

space_hero: I couldn’t even admit it to some anonymous people that don’t even know who I am

space_hero: I can’t even admit to myself

usotsuki: youve already made lots of progress

space_hero: that’s only cuz of you

usotsuki: So? I’m helping you.

space_hero: and I’m doing absolutely nothing

usotsuki: no

usotsuki: that’s not true

space_hero: how?

usotsuki: you’re willingly letting me help you

Kaito pauses.

usotsuki: When have you ever done that before?

He gulps. The red splotches of blood staining his teeth red are all but forgotten.

There’s no answer to usotsuki’s question.

space_hero: Whenever you had last been willingly honest with someone before.

usotsuki: ha!

usotsuki: hero

usotsuki: you’re definitely not boring

A hesitant smile grows on his face.

space_hero: Is that supposed to be a compliment?

usotsuki: yep!

He grins.

space_hero: alright then!

usotsuki: we’ve made a complete mess of our arrangement, by the way

space_hero: that’s okay, we can start fresh next time

usotsuki: Oh? You’d like to continue it?

space_hero: well you said it helps motivate yourself to talk, right?

space_hero: that’s a good enough reason for me

space_hero: and like you said, it keeps me from wanting to lie

usotsuki: Well, then,

usotsuki: I’m looking forward to our future conversations (⌒▽⌒) /

space_hero: so am I!

space_hero: which feels weird writing out, because I know I completely dreaded the whole idea of this

space_hero: thanks again for dealing with me

usotsuki: I’m just glad that you’re able to get help from someone

usotsuki: thanks for allowing yourself to confide in me

usotsuki: it even makes me feel better about myself~

space_hero: good

usotsuki: noo

usotsuki: i was joking about that last bit

space_hero: Sure...

space_hero: And I hope you see the good that you’re doing

space_hero: I’ll keep trying to think of a better nickname for you

space_hero: you don’t really need to hide behind your current one anymore, right?

usotsuki: I suppose

usotsuki: But remember, I’ll only change my username if you share with the group chat this Thursday.

space_hero: yeah yeah

space_hero: that still sounds terrifying, but maybe a little less than before

space_hero: and you’ll be there!

space_hero: and who knows, maybe you’ll share something too

usotsuki: we’ll see about that

usotsuki: But it the meantime

usotsuki: Please take good care of yourself

usotsuki: If you feel tired, rest. If you feel ill, if you can’t ask anyone for help, at least don’t ignore it and deal with it.

space_hero: fine

usotsuki: promise?

space_hero: yes.

usotsuki: oh

usotsuki: that was actually easier than I thought it would be

space_hero: I do know I need to take care of myself.

usotsuki: I’m curious about your motivation, but I’ll have to wait till next time

space_hero: you need to go?

usotsuki: I need to go check up on something

usotsuki: it doesn’t seem like our schedules line up too well

usotsuki: so if you ever need to talk about something, leave me messages, and I’ll respond when I can

space_hero: thanks

space_hero: same obviously goes for you

usotsuki: : )

usotsuki: good night!

usotsuki has gone offline

‘Night?’ Kaito blinks, and glances out the window; a dark night sky surprises him. He checks the time to discover that it’s past 7: a good enough time to go and grab dinner. Briefly he wonders if he should just skip a meal, but once again he motivates himself by reminding himself about the importance of keeping proper and healthy habits.

He rubs his eyes, strained from staring at a screen for too long. Letting out a sigh, he leans back in his chair. Stretching, his shoulders pop as he tries to alleviate some of the tension built up while typing.

Quietly, he focuses on breathing. In, out, in; eventually his muscles loosen up.

It continues well—until Kaito starts to think about what he just did, and suddenly everything closes in on itself again.

His hands try to curl up into a fist, but he splays them against his legs and then leans further back into his chair.

“I’m sick,” he states.

He notices the immediate urge from his leg to move, twitch, bounce—but he grips his knees tighter and maintains control over himself.

“I’m sick.” Kaito winces as the inevitable urge to deny this overwhelms him, but he maintains his strong hold.

If he could admit it to usotsuki, Kaito believes he can admit to himself.

He takes one more deep breath.

“It sucks, but it’ll be okay,” he decides. Smiling, Kaito makes himself a promise: “I’ll make sure of it.”

Maintaining his careful rhythm, Kaito keeps focusing on breathing as he allows himself to digest his own words.

Slowly he manages to convince himself that there’s no harm in accepting his illness—he’ll make sure that everything turns out okay.

‘Don’t lie.’

His breath hitches as usotsuki’s words flash before his eyes.

“I’m not lying,” he bites back. The words only reach the speaker, and only succeed in creating a small crack in his act of confidence.

Before he can argue—with himself —any further, his stomach growls loudly.

‘No way I’m missing dinner again,’ he complains. ‘Isn’t this the third day in a row?’

He pulls his coat over a sleeve, slips on his shoes, and reaches for the doorknob—only to catch his reflection off the shining metal. Small trails of blood flowing down from his mouth have dried up since the coughing fit that Kaito had tried so hard to forget about.

Kaito scowls. He retreats back to his washroom to wash himself up, and tries not to think about how badly he had almost screwed up.

While he washes his hands, his breathing turns heavy and dark. “It’s okay,” he reminds himself. “Nothing happened.”

Before he leaves, he makes sure to check for anything else he might have missed. He quickly grabs a few tissues and covers the top of his trash bin, hiding any evidence of the bloody mess he made earlier.

He reaches for the doorknob once again, swinging his door open.

Kokichi, hand frozen reaching for the same doorknob, is visibly shocked.

Immediately Kaito attempts to close the door in his face, but just before it shuts, Kokichi moves, and struggles to push back against the door to keep it open.

“Don’t be mean—” the weaker boy gets out, “I just need—” he shoves, leaning all of his weight onto the door “to talk to you!”

Kaito leans one arm against the door, and huffs. “That’s what you said last time.” The pushing doesn’t stop. “And then you tried to frame me for beating you up.”

Kokichi doesn’t offer any sort of response, and Kaito moves his other hand to shut the door on the annoying kid.

He begins to properly close the door, and it’s just about an inch away from it being fully shut before Kokichi moves away from the door.

“I’m shocked that you have this much energy after getting a concussion,” he taunts.

Kaito freezes.

“After all, I hurt you so badly, didn’t I?” He hears a small sniff from the other side of the door. “I was so worried about you Kaito! I-I thought I’d never get the chance to apologize, a-and,” hiccup, “Kaito, what if—”

With a glare, he swings the door open. “Cut the bullshit, Kokichi.”

The liar grins at him. “That was a lie, obviously. I couldn’t care less about you, really.”

“The feeling’s mutual,” Kaito spits out. “Now do you want something? Or can you let me go get dinner in peace.”

Kokichi blinks innocently, and then pouts. “You never want to spend time with me!”

“Wha-” Kaito takes an involuntary step back out of shock. “Why do you keep bringing this up?”

The kid laughs. “Because your reactions are hi~larious!” Suddenly his expression turns serious. “Actually, I’m here for a reason.”

Kaito pauses. Maybe he should give Kokichi a chance to speak. “And what’s that?”

Kokichi casts his eyes to his hand, abruptly giving off a haughty glare. “Your precious Maki Roll stopped by last night to shout at me for oh-so horrendously attacking you.”

That's... no surprise at all, actually.

Kokichi huffs. “I don’t want to lie awake at night because I’m scared a murderer is going to come kill me, so can you tell your pet project that I apologized to you and that she can put away her favourite collection of knives?”

Kaito doesn’t know what to react to first, and before he’s able to form any sort of thought, Kokichi turns on his heel and walks away confidently.

The lunatic waves without glancing back. “Thank you Kaito~! ”

“You’re wrong about Maki!” he shouts after him, but Kokichi dodges back into his own room, leaving Kaito and his opinions alone.

Mildly confused and very annoyed, Kaito marches to the dining hall. He manages to vent his anger out on the large portions of food he grabs. As he vigorously chews through a salad, the frustration eventually melts away.

‘Kokichi was about to try entering my room—why would he bother coming to my room and then just leave right away?’

Kaito pauses. ‘And since when does he care about what Maki Roll thinks anyway?’

He tries to think back about what Maki could have said to Kokichi. It takes him a moment, but suddenly he remembers what they discovered in the hallway, and nearly spits out his water.

He runs his hands through his hair. "Shit. Shit.”

‘The blood in the hallway. Maki Roll thinks it belongs to Kokichi, but it’s probably mine—if she brought it up when she talked to him, and Kokichi knows it didn’t belong to him, then he’ll wonder why she doesn’t know it’s mine, and then—shit!’

Kaito angrily stuffs the rest of his meal into his mouth. ‘Screw all of this.’

He chews, swallows, and promptly leaves the dining hall.

‘Everything will be alright,’ he tells himself.

As he walks back to his room, gets ready for bed, and lies down in his cold room, he repeats the same thing over and over in his head, until he can almost believe it.

As his consciousness begins to fade, he hears a childish voice in his head.

“But that’s a lie, isn’t it?”

Chapter Text

The rest of the weekend goes by in a blur.

Kaito keeps himself busy by exercising—pushing himself in intensity rather than time in an attempt to maintain a basic level of fitness, for both the space program and to keep up appearances for any upcoming gym classes.

True to his word, he does take a break when he starts feeling unwell, if only to avoid a scolding from Kirumi and to keep his promise to usotsuki. However, he doesn’t let himself rest for too long, and re-enters the fitness center to do light exercise before pushing it up back to moderate.

Maybe he stays in the gym longer than he should, but it’s easy for him. Intense activity gives him a chance to be in control, to forget about any worries he has, and helps him feel like everything is normal again.

‘But everything isn’t normal,’ Kaito reminds himself when he goes to sleep for the night. ‘I’m sick, but I’m going to get better, and I’m not going to slow down.’

When he leaves for school the next morning, he’s overwhelmed with gratefulness when Maki and Shuichi are waiting by his door. Giving them both a hug, he assures them that yes, he’s okay, and yes, he should have said something earlier, and yes, he is definitely an idiot.

Their walk to school is a stark contrast to when his sidekicks were rushing him to see Kirumi with panicked urgency; today the sun shines brightly on all three friends as they fill each other in on what they did during the weekend.

Kaito is about to ask Maki about what she said during her late night meeting with Kokichi, but when a smile forms on her face as she talks about the kids at her orphanage, he can’t bring himself to ruin the good mood.

When he later does bring it up during lunch, Maki’s irritated sigh almost makes him regret it.

“I can’t believe he had the audacity to come bother you when you were sick,” she mutters darkly, gripping her glass of water tightly.

Kaito lets out a tired laugh. “I think it’s always a mistake to underestimate what Kokichi’s willing to do.”

“What did he say to you, Kaito?” Shuichi inquires.

Kaito sips his own glass of water as the evening plays through his head. None of Kokichi’s actions had made much sense that night. ‘Why come to my room but then leave right away?’

Kaito provides them with a basic summary of the short confrontation, leaving out Kokichi’s comments about the truthfulness of his concussion but highlighting his attitude towards Maki.

“But I guess,” Kaito finishes, “his attitude isn’t far from normal. What did you say to him that got him so riled up?”

Maki scoffs, but Shuichi speaks up before her, with his hand on his chin and in deep thought. “I can’t think of anything particular Maki said that seemed to have a noticeable effect on him, but he was behaving a little oddly.”

“Behaving oddl— Wait, you were there too?!”

Shuichi nods earnestly. “He wouldn’t let me go alone,” Maki remarks. Based on her tone of voice, Shuichi must've tagged along to make sure she didn’t take it far.

‘Good call,’ he reckons.

Kaito rubs the back of his neck absentmindedly. “So what’d you notice, Shuichi?”

“Ah, he seemed rather agitated, as if we had interrupted something important; or maybe he was worried about something. I could be wrong, though.”

Kaito shakes his head. “Nah, you’ve got a good sense about these things. I trust ya.” He finishes with a grin, to which Shuichi smiles back.

With that, Maki quickly changes the topic to something less bothersome, and Kaito’s smile begins to feel heavy when he realizes that he isn’t going to find out what they actually told Kokichi.

Hesitantly, Kaito decides to try and let his caution dissolve. ‘If Kokichi had something to say to me, he would have said it. He’s not the type to hold back.’

He clings onto that belief in the back of his mind and allows himself to enjoy the rest of lunch with his sidekicks.

Once they start making back to their class for the afternoon, Kaito brings up this afternoon’s training.

Shuichi pauses. “Kaito, are you sure you’re healthy enough?”

Kaito thinks of all the hours spent in the gym this past weekend, and tries not to look guilty. “I think I’ll manage,” he tries. “And I can always take a break.”

The detective gives him a small smile. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

Kaito chuckles and adds a little bit of power into his steps. With a dramatic flair, he curls up a fist and looks resolutely towards the sky. “Well of course! Nothing holds back Kaito Momota, Luminary of the—”

“Shuichi has plans,” Maki interjects.

Kaito’s steps freeze and he turns to the accused, who looks extremely nervous.

“Maki!” Shuichi manages to squeeze out, giving her and then Kaito an extremely startled expression. He turns apologetic as he explains: “I made plans with Kaede since I didn’t think you’d be able to do training today.”

Kaito blinks. “That’s okay,” he replies, and feels strangely uncomfortable as a feeling brews deep in his chest saying no it’s not—

A laugh falls out of him, and he settles his hand on Shuichi’s shoulder. “So you’re finally getting closer to Kaede, eh?” he teases, and nudges his shoulder.

Maki rolls her eyes and continues making her to class. Kaito and Shuichi tag along behind her while the latter smiles sheepishly. “She’s been so kind to me these past years, so I want to make sure she knows how much I appreciate her friendship.”

Kaito grins. “I’m sure she already knows, but that’s still an awesome thing to do.”

Shuichi nods with a small grin of his own, eyes shining with gratitude. Suddenly his expression turns somber, and Kaito immediately reacts. “What’s wrong?”

As his sidekick glances at the floor, Kaito sees him tense up a little. “Shuichi?”

The boy startles, giving Kaito a wide-eyed look before forcing a smile. “I’m just thinking about how lucky I am that I got to meet you and Kaede.”

A mixed feeling of warmth and apprehension seems to pour into Kaito’s chest. “So what’s the problem?”

Shuichi keeps the smile as he glances to the ground. Apparently Kaito has reminded Shuichi enough times that his feelings are important to share, so he shows only little hesitation in making his confession. “I’m just thinking about what would have happened if I had never met the both of you.”

Kaito opens his mouth to speak but an urgent glance from Shuichi stops him.

“I know it’s pointless to think about things that didn’t happen, but,” he frowns, “would I have still managed to become a stronger person like I have? Or would I have been… stuck in my trauma, hopelessly waiting for me to become happier…”

No words are spoken as Shuichi keeps his eyes on the ground and Kaito quickly combs over what Shuichi said. And then promptly stops.

“What the hell, man?” Despite the choice of words, it’s a gentle question.

Shuichi turns to glance at him, with a nervous but unsurprised look on his face. “Kaito—”

“Your recovery—your growth, your talent—,” Kaito shoves his finger in Shuichi’s direction, “all of that was you.”

Shuichi stares, but listens.

“Kaede n’ I both saw that you needed support and a push in the right direction—but we did nothing that you wouldn’t have done yourself. It doesn’t matter that you came to Hope’s Peak or that you’re the ultimate anything . One day you would have recognized just how important and special you are.

“And hey—maybe we sped up the process. Maybe on your own it would have taken years longer for you to come to terms with yourself. But I know you would have gotten there eventually,” Kaito grins. “You’re way too clever to not have.”

They stare at each other, one far more intensely than the other, until Shuichi gives in with a relieved sigh. He looks away for a moment before sending a smile Kaito’s way. “Thank you, Kaito.”

Kaito laughs and reaches over to ruffle his sidekick’s hair, Shuichi grinning and leaning into the gesture. They make their way to class in a much lighter mood, and Kaito’s glad.

Before he knows it, the end of the school day has arrived. Kaito smiles as Shuichi runs after Kaede, before joining up with Maki to do training on their own.

After changing and filling up their water battles, the pair stroll across the green field to their regular spot. Kaito is well aware of how Maki’s watching him, silently expressing concern about his condition in her own subdued way. In response, he grins at the warmth of the sun and stretches his arms out behind him.

“So what are you up for today, Maki Roll?” His tone is gleeful as he wraps his blue sport jacket around his waist.

She waits for him to look up before giving him a gentle frown. “I’m not interested in seeing you push yourself until you collapse again”—”Hey give me a break!”—”so no sparring. Let’s just do one of our old routines.”

With his arms folded, Kaito huffs. “Fine. But I promise you, I’m okay now.”

Maki’s carefully hidden look of concern is glaringly bright for Kaito, but she finally relaxes and gives him a rare playful smile.

“Well if you’re fine, you’ll have no problem starting with 50 push-ups.”

Kaito laughs. “Yeah? Well I bet I can do them faster than you.”

“Is that so, trainee?”

“You bet, весеннего ролла.”

The two share a competitive glare before they drop to the ground and frantically try to outpace each other. Maki may have superior strength and agility, but Kaito’s years of training allow him to just barely keep pace with Maki. When they just about tie for push ups, they move on to sit ups; then plank taps; then jump squats. As they go on, Kaito pushes for some sillier ideas, like jumping jacks and single-foot hopping.

Their final contest becomes an endurance test to see if either of them can hold a plank for five whole minutes. While Maki focuses on keeping her form rock solid, Kaito devotes his attention to breathing, making sure that while the rest of his muscles tense up, his lungs remain clear and safe.

When the timer on Maki’s phone reaches the five minute mark, their bodies are all but shaking from exhaustion and are held up by nothing except sheer force of will to outlast the other. The phone timer rings, and the two of them drop helplessly to the ground.

Maki lets herself gasp for air as Kaito rolls onto his back. In between his own snatches for breath he laughs, stretching out his limbs across the grass.

His laughter continues on out of sheer delight. Watching him, eventually Maki can’t help but let out a small laugh as well. “What’s got you so excited? You did realize neither of us won, right?”

Kaito pulls his hands through the blades of grass, and pushes himself back up to sit face to face with Maki.

“It just feels good, you know? I’m outside on an amazing day, spending time with one of my sidekicks, having fun, and feeling great. Why shouldn’t I be excited?”

It’s subtle, but Kaito can see Maki’s expression soften. Small moments like these seem to prove to Kaito just how much Maki has grown since he’s met her. Before she might have believed he was an idiot for finding joy in such normal things, but only because she didn’t understand what it was like to have the option to seek out positivity. A few months in, and she would have closed up at this point, scared of her emotions being a sign of weakness.

But now? Maki pulls her hair in front of her before copying Kaito and letting herself fall back onto the grass, embracing the moment with her own unique feelings.

Still sitting up, Kaito can’t help but feel pride for his friend. Shuichi might still need a bit more help, but Maki is constantly surprising him with how independant her growth is.

‘She really doesn’t need me anymore,’ he notes fondly.

His breath hitches when the thought lingers—but before his thoughts can continue anywhere else, his attention is snatched by a sudden movement of white out of the corner of his eye.

Kaito leans forwards, squints, and stares at the sight of Kokichi across the field.

The supreme leader is poking his head around the farther corner of the school, seemingly as if he’s trying not to be seen by someone.

As soon as Kaito spots him, Kokichi ducks behind the wall, peeking Kaito’s curiosity.

Maki’s attention is still diverted towards herself, so Kaito tries his best to visibly turn away from where Kokichi was. He waits for a moment, and then hastily turns back.

Sure enough, Kokichi—and a much more visible Rantaro, have appeared around the corner again. Kaito watches as Rantaro is yanked back behind the wall with some annoyed satisfaction.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he blurts out.

“Hmm?” Maki sits up, giving him a confused but otherwise passive look.

Kaito didn’t mean to say that out loud, but no harm was done he supposes. “Ah it’s nothing. Kokichi seems to be up to something again.”

At the mention of Kokichi, Maki’s expression sours.

She turns to look at the school, but doesn’t spot anything herself. “He’s always up to something,” she remarks with a cold tone.

Kaito hums in agreement. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it though.”

Maki shares with him an inquisitive look. “I don’t get it,” she states.

Curious, Kaito leans back with outstretched arms. “Get what?”

“Putting my own… bias, against Kokichi aside—he makes of fun of you, pranks you, torments you with personal attacks, constantly toys with you, creates arguments with you at almost every opportunity; causes you enough trouble to have been injured multiple times, the latest of which involved you getting a concussion and passing out in class,” she complains. “And your response to him fooling around again is just ‘I wouldn’t worry about it’?”

Kaito pauses.

He runs a hand through his hair, and shrugs. “I guess so, yeah.”

Maki groans. “I wish Shuichi was here to tell you how ridiculous you are.”

Both of them know that Shuichi would never do that, but Kaito feels the need to explain himself anyways.

“Look,” he starts, “no one knows better than I do how annoying Kokichi is. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever lasted a minute near him without getting riled up. He goes out of his way to annoy people, and when I’m near him, it’s really hard not to fall into his game.”

Maki doesn’t seem to understand what he’s getting at, but he tries anyways. “But when you look at how he somehow befriended Rantaro, how he’s earned Himiko’s trust, and how he somehow hasn’t abused Gonta’s faith in him—there’s gotta be something more to him right?”

A very skeptical look is sent his way.

“Yeah yeah, I know,” he concedes. “Trust me, I know he’s a pain in the ass. And he’s done inexcusable things to the three of us, and the rest of our class—especially to Kiibo and you.”

“As long as you’re aware,” she grumbles. Maki draws her eyes to meet his, and then darts away. “Just don’t let your guard down,” she adds.

Kaito scrambles to say something about being able handle himself just fine, but Maki continues, in a quieter and more serious voice. “You don’t deserve to get hurt by someone like him.”

Kaito frowns. “Someone like him?”

The only response he gets is a shake of the head and a frustrated sigh, leading Kaito’s thoughts to wander.

It’s so easy for him to dislike Kokichi—heck, he’s pretty sure that is how he feels. Maki’s account of all the shit the troublemaker has done to him is pretty accurate.

Ever since he’s met Kokichi, the guy has gone out of his way to constantly torment him, baiting him into arguements, and leading him into traps. Kaito’s not exactly sure what he ever did to get Kokichi on his bad side. When he’s tried to ask, the response he gets usually involves Kaito being such a huge idiot that Kokichi feels it needs to go punished. Sometimes Kokichi will say it’s because he stole Shuichi from him—which doesn’t even make sense, and a couple times Kokichi started monologuing about how Kaito, supposedly, is torturing him, or is destined to destroy his evil organization. Whenever Kaito has tried to reach out to him and offer some sort of truce or understanding, the pranking and teasing ramps up to eleven.

But as angry as Kaito can get with Kokichi, when he’s had a break from him and is given some time to think, he recognizes that most of this nonsense is just Kokichi’s own way of having fun, and despite how annoying it is, it’s pretty harmless.

If that was all, Kaito might be willing to see Kokichi as a kid just having fun, and could put up with all the antagonization and pranks.

But it’s all of the other times that make it so much more complicated.

Most of the class has recognized by now that Maki brings out the worst in Kokichi. Everyone was present when Kokichi revealed her past identity. Everyone heard the ruthless and brutal accusations, watched how Kokichi warped his smile as he was baiting Maki to attack him, just like she’s done to so many others.

Kaito had never seen Kokichi so actively vicious until that point, and never has again, but it revealed something a lot more sinister about the supreme leader.

After they convinced Maki to stand down, Kaito needed to stay by Maki’s side, but when she eventually collected herself and asked to be alone, Kaito ran all over the academy to find Kokichi. Because as angry and frustrated he was at Kokichi for doing that to Maki, especially when she had already revealed her secret to him and Shuichi and was beginning to come to terms with the fact that she could move on—a reaction like Kokichi’s doesn’t just happen by chance.

Kaito had no idea if it was because of how Kokichi found out, or some interaction he had with Maki in the past, or if he knew one of her targets, but the topic was clearly personal. Not only did Kaito want answers, he knew there had to be some explanation for what happened, and maybe Kaito could try to understand it.

Except, Kokichi was nowhere to be found. He skipped class for the next few days, and when he finally did return, he acted exactly like he had before. Before Kaito could even try confront him about what happened, he was pulled aside by Rantaro, who assured him that he had already spoken to Kokichi, and implored him to not bring it up.

The adventurer’s honest look was enough to convince Kaito, so he hesitantly let it go, despite badly wanting some answers.

As for Kokichi taking things too far, that wasn’t the only time. Sometimes Kaito can see that Kokichi’s playful jabs at Shuichi hit a bit too low, and despite Kiibo insisting that it’s okay, Kokichi’s constant belittlement of Kiibo is also something Kaito can’t stand for.

So in the end, Kaito supposes, he has no idea what he’s meant to think about Kokichi. Remembering his better moments, like the way he subtly pushes some of his classmates in a good direction, or sometimes does nice things for the people he likes while disguising it as pranks, just leads to Kaito thinking about his worst moments, where he’s antagonizing and insulting people to an extent that’s no longer acceptable, trying to drag them to their worst selves.

What was Kaito even trying to think about again?

Right, Maki was worried about him getting hurt.

‘She’s been weird about me getting hurt lately,’ Kaito realizes. ‘She got really aggressive when I told her I hit my head thanks to Kokichi, and now she got weird about it again. Did I do something to make her worried? Or is this about Kokichi? Or did something happen to her that’s got her scared?’

Biting down a frown, he takes in Maki’s closed off posture. It looks like she’s got something troubling in her mind, but now’s probably not the best time to prod.

“How about we wrap this up before we get ambushed, huh?”

Maki shoots him a quick glance before nodding. “Sure.”

He pulls himself up, offering Maki a hand. “I totally won today.”

Smirking, she rejects the help and jumps onto her feet. “Keep dreaming, astroboy.”

He pouts rather dramatically, getting a laugh from Maki, and together they chuckle as they walk back to the locker rooms. They part ways in good spirits, and by the time Kaito is walking back to his room, the only thing weighing him down is the fact that he can’t believe how well training went.

More specifically, the fact that he pushed himself without any immediate repercussions. Surely that was a good sign, right? That with enough training he’ll be able to continue his astronaut training?

Kaito smiles at that thought, but it doesn’t feel quite right. Annoyed that his pointless worries are betraying his good mood, he shoves down that entire train of thought so forcefully that he trips.

His foot stomps firmly into the ground to catch himself, preventing gravity from doing its job. His cheeks turn slightly red at the fact he just tripped on air, and Kaito glances around just to make sure nobody saw that.

Taking into account his surroundings, Kaito finds himself in the small courtyard in between the school and the dorms. The water from the centrepiece fountain pours steadily, accenting the silence. He relishes the warm glow of the setting sun, basking in it. That is until he hones in on the sound of footsteps. A jolt runs down his spine that freezes him in place.

“You okay?” a friendly voice calls out from behind.

Kaito quickly darts around, taking in Rantaro approaching him with a confused look.

“Uh—yeah! Of course!” Kaito runs a hand through his hair, trying to appear casual. Concerned eyes meet his, before Rantaro relaxes into a fond smile.

“That’s good,” he says. The adventurer looks down and shifts his legs; now he’s the one who looks bashful. “I’m sorry about what happened last week.”

Kaito pauses, giving him a chance to speak. “Kokichi—even I can’t always tell when he’s lying or not. I shouldn’t have accused you so quickly.”

Kaito can’t help but let out a small laugh. “Hey, all you did was be a good friend. I’m not gonna hold that against ya’.”

Rantaro returns a grateful smile. “Let me owe you one—

“Seriously it’s okay—

Rantaro interrupts his rebuttal with an amused huff and crossed arms. “It’ll make me feel better about it, and that’s good, right?”

The two stare each other down in a battle of ideals, ideals formed only by those who have spent their entire lives looking after others—and who know just how easy it is for people to take advantage of their caring natures.

“Ugh. Fine,” Kaito concedes. The older brother of twelve smirks at his victory. “But I’m not gonna cash it in anyways.”

As Rantaro chuckles at that, the two wordlessly agree that they have a lot more to talk about, and make their way to one of the courtyard benches

Rantaro seems pretty relaxed, leaning back and seemingly content watching the center fountain quietly yet steadily cycle its water.

Kaito believes that Rantaro’s apology was heartfelt; it’s easy to jump to conclusions when someone you care about is hurt, and he knows that Rantaro has spent a lot of time regretting not being there for his youngest sister. It’s a little confusing how Rantaro got so close to Kokichi in the first place, but that’s not his business.

“So how’s the search going?” Kaito asks. As unlikely as it would be for Rantaro to have found new leads, it’s odd for him to have stayed back in Hope’s Peak for as long he had. Every couple of weeks or so it’s normal for Rantaro to drop by for a couple days in between travels, but it’s been at least five days this time.

Rantaro gives him a troubled look. “There’s nothing new,” he admits. “I’ve run out of leads a long time ago; all I can do for now is double back on places I’ve already been to.” Pausing, as if expecting Kaito's next words, he makes a small smile. “But I’ve still got hope, don’t worry.” With downcast eyes, he adds, “It’s my responsibility to find her.”

Kaito nods firmly. “But give yourself more credit! You’re by far the best older brother I’ve ever met.”

Rantaro immediately frowns. “If I was a good brother I wouldn’t have—”

“I can’t think of anyone,” Kaito interjects, “who would see a guy travelling around the world, dedicating his life to finding his younger sister, and think he was a failure of a brother—except for you.”

Lacking any sort of response, Rantaro simply huffs and turns away. “It’s not that simple,” he mumbles.

Kaito responds with a small pat on the shoulder. He could tell Rantaro that he was way too young at that time to be responsible for an even younger kid, that the fault lies with his negligent and shitty father, and that they’ll definitely find each other someday, but it’s all stuff he’s told Rantaro before; from past experiences Kaito knows that pushing the adventurer isn’t what he needs.

“I’m just—” Sighing, Rantaro leans forward and rest his head against his arm, before shutting his eyes. “I don’t think I can remember what she looks like anymore.”

Kaito’s eyes widen. No wonder Rantaro would be upset.

“You don’t have any pictures?” he asks quietly.

Rantaro shakes his head, dragging his hand down from his face and leaning back up. “I do, but it just doesn’t seem to stick. I can’t help worry that even if I find the right place, I won’t even be able to recognize her.”

“Nah,” Kaito decides. Rantaro turns and gives him an amused but intrigued look.

“And how do you know?” he jests.

Kaito smiles. It’s not his studies in psychology or any sort of rationale that he’s following. He simply refuses to even consider that Rantaro will fail. Not after how much he’s been trying.

“Because!” he grins, “you’re not going to let something get in the way between you and your sister, right? Memory is an easy obstacle to overcome, and there’s no way you’re not gonna find her.”

Unlike with Shuichi or Maki, Kaito knows that Rantaro can’t be so easily convinced. But he can still do his part in making sure that Rantaro knows that at least someone believes in him, when he can’t believe in himself.

“And I wouldn’t even worry about recognizing her, because you’ve got yourself plastered around the world as an Ultimate. She’s gotta have seen you in the media somewhere. Maybe she’s already on her way to our school to find ya!”

Rantaro, looking a little bit overwhelmed, runs a hand through his hair with an apologetic smile. “I think that’s a little bit too optimistic for me… but you actually have a point. I didn’t consider that.” Rantaro lets himself relax, and leans back against the bench. “Thanks, Kaito.”

Kaito nods silently, choosing take the moment to relax as well.

“Actually,” Rantaro notes, “I think I’m going to be sticking around for a while.”

Kaito glances back at him. “How come?”

Rantaro sighs. “These past couple days I had to take care of some business for my father, but I realized that I want to stay—at least, for now. Maybe I finally need a break from travelling.”

Kaito pauses for a moment. Something about that doesn’t sound quite right. Quickly he mulls over what’s been happening this past week with Rantaro and his classmates, and started this whole conversation in the first place: “And ‘cuz you’re worried about Kokichi?”

It’s more of a statement then a question, but the quickly repressed look of surprise Kaito receives is an answer anyways.

“Uh—” Rantaro blanks. He blinks a few times, before putting together some sort of response. “Maybe worried isn’t the right word,” he admits. “I don’t know what he’d do to me if I ever believed he couldn’t take care of himself. But I guess I want to make sure he’s not getting himself into too much trouble, if I can help it.”

Kaito lets out a small laugh. “I’m pretty sure Kokichi’s gonna do whatever he wants.”

Rantaro chuckles. “Can’t argue with that—but anyways, seriously all we’ve talked about is me. How are you doing?”

Kaito can’t help but freeze for a moment. Good; the answer is good, obviously. Maki and Shuichi are doing well; last he’s heard from his grandparents, they’re doing well in their retirement home; his space program has recently partnered up with a new up-and-coming rocket production company; everything is all good.

Kaito tells Rantaro all of that. Rantaro’s eager to hear about the recent developments of their class, and ever the adventurer, is quite excited to hear about the new headways being made in space technology.

“Commercial space travel in just four years,” Rantaro repeats after him, staring up into the dimming sky with awe.

“That’s what we’re hoping for! The agency is going to need to take their time to ensure safety for any possible scenario. It’d look really bad if the first private flights to space ended in some sort of disaster, so there’s probably going to be an endless amount of delays to account for that.”

Rantaro nods, eyes still transfixed among the clouds. “Do you think you can fit thirteen siblings on a flight? Whatever the price will be, it’d be worth it.”

Kaito laughs, noticing the choice in number. “That might not be in the current plans, but I’ll figure something out for ya’.”

Rantaro’s grin is enough to make Kaito feel like the whole mess with Kokichi and Maki and all of the other shit this past week was worth enduring through just for this conversation.

This is what Kaito loves. Being with friends, dreaming about space, and sharing hope for the future. And once Kaito recovers from his illness, this is what he’ll return to everyday.

‘And I will recover,’ he tells himself. ‘It might take a while, and I might need to take it slow for now, but giving up is not an option. I will—’

“Is something wrong?” Rantaro asks, watching him cautiously.

Kaito snaps out of his train of thought with a silent gasp. “Of course not, haha. But I might be a bit tired from my training with Maki Roll.”

“Oh that’s right,” Rantaro remembers. “Maki did mention you’ve been missing your own famous training sessions.”

Huh. “She did?”

Rantaro nods, looking too relaxed to possibly be suspecting Kaito of hiding something.

“You get how life can be sometimes,” Kaito vaguely explains, adding a small chuckle at the end. Rantaro seems to find some meaning in his response, humming in agreement.

“On the topic of busy lives,” Rantaro adds after a moment, “I should probably get back to mine. Unfortunately I’ve got an appointment to get to.”

The pair rise, and Kaito gives the adventurer a pat on the back. “It was great catching up,” he grins.

Rantaro returns a small smile. “Anytime.”

After a friendly goodbye, the two split ways, leaving Kaito to continue to his dorm on his own. He manages to make his way forward for no longer than a minute before the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding pushes out of his chest with a wheezing heave.

Caught of guard, Kaito stumbles for balance. As the sun begins to complete its descent, Kaito is leaning against a lamppost, breathing heavy.

After a quick glance around, he clears his throat, and sweeps his mouth with his tongue to make sure there isn’t any blood.

‘That was lucky,’ some unwelcome part of him realizes. Rantaro could be just as observant as himself or Shuichi when he chose to be, but it seemed like he trusted Kaito enough to not lie to him.

“I wasn’t lying,” he protests to his train of thought, but his subconscious doesn’t seem to appreciate the difference between lies of omission and falsehoods.

Rolling his shoulders back, he takes another deep breath.

A few minutes later, Kaito finds himself back in his room hanging up his favourite coat before sliding into his desk chair. His eyes glance over his monitor as he clicks his mouse to wake the system up.

The first thing he notices are notification alerts for his chatting program. With only a second of hesitation, he drags his mouse over to take a look.

usotsuki: So I’m curious, secret keeper, do you not live with your family?

Kaito narrows his gaze with a thoughtful look. Given the personal nature of the last conversation, this is how usotsuki continues?

Or… Kaito considers the question for a moment. Secret keeper; an odd name for sure, maybe meant to reference usotsuki calling the both of them liars. But putting the name and question together, it seems like the real question is, ‘if you live with your family, how are you managing to keep everything a secret?’

space_hero: nah, I live at my school

space_hero: it’s a boarding school

space_hero: I don’t see my family often enough to need to worry about them noticing

space_hero: hbu?

space_hero: and I guess my question’s gonna be, what’s your family like?

Taking a measured breath, Kaito presses send. He puts his computer to sleep, and immediately pulls his (completely optional) homework out of his bag, refusing to even give himself a second to think of his grandparents, or…

Homework.

The next few hours pass without a trace, except for the scribbled notes and highlighted papers eventually scattering all around his desk. By the time Kaito completes today’s homework, as well as personal research into the newest telegraphic data sent to his agency from NASA—as well as dropping into some online science forums to randomly answer, as Kaito Momota, the curious space-related questions of kids around the world—a glance at his digital clock tells him he may have stayed up too late.

In a rush, he runs to grab a late dinner, grateful as always that Hope’s Peak’s cafeteria always has a hearty supply of food ready regardless of the hour. As Kaito gets ready for bed, he checks one more time for a response from usotsuki, but finds none.

‘Wonder what a guy like him gets up to,’ he muses.

And as he entertains himself by imaging some passionate kid running around, calling out the lies of anyone that dares cross his path, Kaito eventually falls asleep—for the first time in weeks not noticing the hint of rust that haunts his senses.

Chapter Text

>> usotsuki: so I’m curious, secret keeper, do you not live with your family?

>> space_hero: nah, I live at my school

>> space_hero: it’s mostly a boarding school

>> space_hero: I don’t see my family often enough to need to worry about them noticing

>> space_hero: hbu?

>> space_hero: and I guess my question’s gonna be, what’s your family like?

>> usotsuki: That answer sounds very suspicious, space man.

>> usotsuki: I live alone.

>> usotsuki: I do have an older brother who is, unfortunately, hopeless. I’m really the one taking care of him all of the time.

>> usotsuki: Congratulations, that’s it! you’ve met my entire family now! hope you can remember them all~

>> usotsuki: Can’t wait to hear all about yours...

>> usotsuki: And my question will be… are you scared of the dark??

>> usotsuki: Hmm. 2 hours later and no response. That says a lot, you know.

>> usotsuki: spaaaaace maaaaaaan wheeeere aaaaaare youuuuuu

>> space_hero: The only thing that says is that I sleep like a normal person? During the night??

>> space_hero: I don’t really know what you’re getting at, but I hope your brother is good to ya

>> space_hero: I guess I didn’t really realize I’d have to answer my own question, huh

>> space_hero: ive got my old folks, but they live really far away

>> space_hero: when i pull some strings i get to see them, but it’s been less often lately

>> space_hero: anyways i have to get to class

>> space_hero: and nope. why would I be scared of the dark? are you???

>> usotsuki: Wow, you’re so mean! I was going to open up to you about why the dark has scared me every since /that/ incident, but I guess you’re too much of a bully to care :(

>> usotsuki: A bully who forgot to ask me a question >:(

>> usotsuki: See you after school, space bully!  (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

>> space_hero: ...what

>> space_hero: I’m just going to ignore all of that.

>> space_hero: What’s school like for you? Are you more interested in spending time with friends or do you care more about your education?

>> usotsuki: All evening as I wondered “oh what question is the mean bully going to ask me”, I never thought it would be such a boring nerdy question.

>> usotsuki: The school part of my school is boring. They don’t teach anything worth paying attention to, though it’s easy to play along.

>> usotsuki: The best and most important learning you can do at school is done by interacting with others, so your question is silly.

>> usotsuki: Let me show you how it’s done: 

>> usotsuki: Have you thought of a nickname for me yet?

>> usotsuki: Because we agreed that you can change mine once you open up during the group discussion tomorrow~

>> usotsuki: And you definitely didn’t change your mind on that, right?

>> usotsuki: ...are you asleep again...

>> space_hero: I think we need to have a talk about your sleeping habits

>> space_hero: and

>> space_hero: nah. I don’t go back on my word.

>> space_hero: And I think I’ve figured out your nickname too.

>> space_hero: Cya tonight 

>> space_hero: (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

>> usotsuki: Please don’t ever use that emoticon again.

Kaito chuckles at usotsuki’s sole response. The conversation has been broken apart, hours in between replies, yet it somehow still felt like a comfortable exchange.

Mentioning his grandparents had been unexpected at best, but… he’s come to terms with seeing them less. Though he hadn’t mentioned his parents at all, neither had usotsuki. ' I suppose that works out,'  he figures.

Closing the private conversation, Kaito scrolls towards the group chat.

It’s been a week since he first joined. In just a week, he’s met some random stranger online, befriended them while confessing his annoying secret, and then promised them he’d tell it to more people.

Kaito doesn’t know whether to be grateful or curse him.

usotsuki: Hello everyone!

sankankei: Hi, glad to be back!

kiodo: hello!

dowasure: hey!

se1k1: Welcome back everyone!!

mochiroku: heyo~

space_hero: Hi!

n4kiw4r4i: hiii <3

Usami: Hello to all! Nice to see you again sankankei!

sankankei: it’s cool to see a new member too!

space_hero: nice to meet you :)

sankankei: same!!

Usami: I have no announcements this week, so let’s begin!

Usami: Today’s theme is about relationships.

sankankei: oh nooo

se1k1: Why do you say that, Kei?

mochiroku: ^^

Usami: Is something the matter?

kiodo: Relationship trouble?

sankankei: ;u; I guess you can say that…

sankankei: Remember how we discussed I was going to confess to my crush??

sankankei: well it turns out she started dating somebody...

n4kiw4r4i: no!

sankankei: and her new girlfriend is also her childhood friend… there’s no way I can’t compete with that ;n;

mochiroku: aww no, i’m sorry

Usami: I’m sorry to hear that :(

sankankei: I want to be happy for her, because I know she’s happy, but… I wish this happened before I built the courage to confess…

sankankei: i’m probably being siliy but i just regret ever thinking i had a chance

dowasure: no, that’s not being silly at all. 

kiodo: Learning to accept and act on your feelings isn’t something you should regret, kei. 

n4kiw4r4i: I think you should be proud of yourself for being courageous enough to plan to confess!

n4kiw4r4i: that’s a stupid amount of bad luck and bad timing, but it was completely out of your control. you can’t blame yourself when life is unfair

dowasure: it’ll probably take some time to move on, but if you don’t let this overwhelm you, you can only do better next time :)

space_hero: You shouldn’t regret taking so long to confess either. What made you brave for planning to take action wasn’t just deciding it’s possible, but showing bravery even when you know you can fail.

usotsuki: Exactly. Things don’t always work out, but showing bravery in spite of that is what’s impressive, Kei.

mochiroku: ^^^^^^^^^^^

se1k1: ^^^

sankankei: I’ll consider that, thanks guys

sankankei: I think I need time before I move on, but I’ll have to eventually, right?

mochiroku: it’ll come naturally, just give yourself time :)

se1k1: And we’ll be here whenever you need us!

dowasure: go easy on yourself too

Usami: Please let me know if I can ever do anything to help, sankankei. 

sankankei: Of course <3

sankankei: also we can move onto today’s topic now... ^u^;;

Usami: I was thinking we could discuss relationships today. Not just romantic, but with friends, family, mentors—anyone you feel close to.

Usami: To start, let’s share who we feel like we have the strongest relationship with in our lives.

Usami: For me, it is with my parents, who trained me and gave me the chance to help all of you :)

shuuyou_ni: my partner <3

dowasure: my siblings :)

kiodo: all of my friends!!

se1k1: You all <3

space_hero: my friends

space_hero: :D

n4kiw4r4i: my older brother!!

usotsuki: My old teammates.

sankankei: my mom!

mochiroku: I guess my aunt

Usami: That’s great to hear! I’d love to meet them all.

Usami: Now, if you’re comfortable, I’d like to you to think of two things: 

Usami: What is your favourite thing about your relationship? What makes it special?

Usami: And, can you confess to a negative thing you’d like to change in your relationship?

Usami: Take your time, and don’t feel pressured to answer.

mochiroku: i’ll start i guess

mochiroku: my aunt’s the only one offline who doesn’t make me feel like I need to pretend to agree with them all the time. She’s the only one who likes it when I’m myself.

mochiroku: I guess I’d like to see her more, if anything.

dowasure: she live far?

mochiroku: yeah :/ an hour train ride away is tough when you go to school

dowasure: An hour sucks, but remember you always have that option.

mochiroku: that’s true, yeah :)

There’s a pause in the conversation. Briefly Kaito wonders if everyone is meant to say something, but he can’t think of anything to add before a new message pops up.

n4kiw4r4i: My older brother has been taking care of me pretty much my whole life, since my parents are more concerned about fighting with each other. He’s really kind and generous, and we love each other a lot.

n4kiw4r4i: but he doesn’t know how to admit to his own mistakes, probably learnt that from our parents, and that makes it really hard to ever confront him about anything

n4kiw4r4i: it’s not a big deal, but that’s the one thing I wish I could help him change.

kiodo: Oh no, I know those kinds of people… I can only wish you good luck…

mochiroku: ^^

usotsuki: ^^^^

dowasure: ^^^^^^^

n4kiw4r4i: haha XD don’t worry, we’ve talked about it before. I’m hopeful!

kiodo: that’s great!

kiodo: I love that I can trust my friends without hesitation, and they trust me back. They don’t judge me for my interests at all, and I learn so much from them!

kiodo: I mentioned before that sometimes their expectations for me feel like too much sometimes… they get surprised when I’m not always at my best.

kiodo: But I’m taking steps to work on that, so don’t worry!

dowasure: glad you’re figuring things out :)

space_hero: ^^

sankankei: My mom is amazing!! It’s just me and her, but she does everything she can to take care of me, and let me live a happy and blessed life.

sankankei: sometimes she doesn’t understand me very well, but we always manage to talk it out! I’m very lucky to have her.

se1k1: That’s awesome!!

shuuyou_ni: make sure you she knows how you feel :D

sankankei: ofc! 

dowasure: guess I’ll go next?

dowasure: my siblings are the best B) 

dowasure: they take care of me as much as I take care of them, whether they realize it or not.

dowasure: my little brother doesn’t let me take care of him at all though, but he’s no longer got a choice. 

usotsuki: sounds rough.

dowasure: you couldn’t imagine.

n4kiw4r4i: aww, I’m sure he’s glad to have you dosu :)

se1k1: I don’t think I really need to talk about my answer, I hope you already know how great you are.

mochiroku: awwwww

kiodo: <3

n4kiw4r4i: <3

se1k1: <3

The positivity makes him smile. ‘Usotsuki hasn’t gone yet,’ crosses Kaito’s thoughts.

Usami: Thank you for sharing everyone <3 Does anyone else want to go?

Kaito pauses. He had mentioned his friends, thinking of Shuichi and Maki, but he has no idea how he could even start to describe them. But in spite of that, he types:

space_hero: I’ll go!

space_hero: My friends are really awesome. I want to tell you guys about them some other time because I couldn’t even begin to describe how proud of them I am.

n4kiw4r4i: aww

space_hero: I think the best part of our friendship is that we get to be there for each other, with endless support and trust. Getting to watch and help my friends grow is something I’ll never grow tired of!

‘There isn’t anything I’d change,’ Kaito thinks, but hesitates to share that. Part of Usami’s lessons is to get everyone to reflect on their relationships, both the good and the bad. While he has great friends, that doesn’t mean that everyone does; he doesn’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that it’s wrong to have problems with your relationships.

For the sake of this lesson, Kaito tries to think of anything he could say. 

se1k1: That’s fantastic!

usotsuki: hmm

Kaito groans. “Yeah yeah, give me a break, uso.”

space_hero: but I guess

‘Something negative… no one here knows you. You can come up with one small thing.’

Kaito clenches his jaw as a single idea bubbles up from the back of his mind, forgotten since his training session from a few days ago, but he narrows his gaze and types it out.

space_hero: i guess i wonder sometimes if they’ll always need me or not

sankankei: are you worried about them always needing you or one day not being needed?

His breath hitches.

space_hero: neither

space_hero: both?

space_hero: it was just a random thought.

dowasure: I think I get it, or can relate. 

dowasure: I worry a lot about my family needing me when I’m not there. But at the same time, it terrifies me to think that they don't need me at all.

dowasure: it sounds contradictory, but it isn’t really.

sankankei: oh, i see…

kiodo: Why does that scare you Dosu?

dowasure: i can dm you later :/

n4kiw4r4i: imo hero if your friends are as cool as you say they are, I don’t think they’re thinking about whether or not they “need” you. 

n4kiw4r4i: True friendship isn’t about needing each other, it’s about caring and loving one another unconditionally.

n4kiw4r4i: sorry that sounds like something out of a movie but i’m sure you get it

n4kiw4r4i: if you’re a good friend, and you seem like you are, then your friends should be returning the same amount of care without asking anything for it. and not just out of obligation 

se1k1: You should give yourself more credit. And this sounds like something you should talk about your friends with, right?

kiodo: ^^^^^

For some reason, Kaito doesn’t know what to say to that. Some unpleasant feeling tries to grab his attention and he chooses to stare resolutely at his screen until it goes away.

space_hero: thanks i’ll think about it :)

usotsuki: that’s good :)

Kaito scoffs. As if usotsuki gets to judge his noncommittal response when they haven’t participated at all.

usotsuki: Oh hmm, should I go next?

se1k1: you mentioned your old friends?

usotsuki: Yeah.

usotsuki: They’re

usotsuki: They’re a good bunch.

usotsuki: The funniest and cleverest and coolest and strongest in all of Japan.

usotsuki: If I had to make a complaint?

usotsuki: I can’t wait to see them again.

dowasure: is there something keeping you apart?

usotsuki: society :,(

n4kiw4r4i: ??????

mochiroku: are you willing to elaborate

usotsuki: no.

mochiroku : fair enough!

space_hero: sorry to hear, I think??

usotsuki: yes.

dowasure: i assume that’s as much as we’re getting out of him

usotsuki: :0

dowasure: yeahhh

dowasure: is that everyone? or everyone who wants to go?

There’s a pause long enough for Kaito to start mulling over usotsuki’s answer while it’s still on screen. He remembers usotsuki mentioning this friend group before—something about being their leader and leaving when he was no longer needed?

Uncomfortable, Kaito shifts in his seat. I worry a lot about my family needing me when I’m not there, the other chatter had said. But at the same time, it terrifies me to think that they don't need me at all.

That’s totally unrelated to anything Kaito has felt before. But, maybe usotsuki is going through the same dilemma.

‘Is not being needed the goal of a leader? To guide them to their confidence and bravery and teach them all the skills they need to carve their own path into the world?’

That’s what Kaito sincerely believes, but what should be a shining conclusion leaves him feeling unusually hollow. A cough and sip of water does nothing but make that dull feeling a little sharper.

Usami: I appreciate you all sharing your experiences with each other!

Usami: The goal of this exercise isn’t to force a positive or negative view on your relationships, 

Usami: but to remind you all that it’s okay when someone you’re immensely grateful for isn’t necessarily perfect.

Usami: Having a good relationship includes trusting one another enough that you feel like you can bring up misunderstandings or feelings you think aren’t being heard.

Usami: There’s limits and nuances, and this can be very difficult to navigate in practice. So I will avoid generalizing and remind you all you can DM with me after the session if you want to talk about this more!

kiodo: thanks usami!

n4kiw4r4i: it’s definitely a difficult topic ^^;;

shuuyou_ni: Yeah.

shuuyou_ni: I mean, sometimes isn't it better to just not complain?

n4kiw4r4i: What do you mean?

shuuyou_ni: If something is good enough… I don’t know, it feels selfish to ask for more.

kiodo: Hmm. I think-

kiodo: The idea is that if someone really cares about you enough, then they want to hear about your struggles, right? Like Naki said earlier!

kiodo: And they would probably hate to be a source of those struggles, so ideally reaching out is what’s best for both sides.

kiodo: Aha but that’s so much easier said than done, I would hate to make anyone upset.

usotsuki: What if they asked you directly?

usotsuki: “Kiodo, is there anything I could do to be a better friend to you? :(“

usotsuki: Would you lie to them?

kiodo: ahhHH

kiodo: it’d be tempting to be honest, but I think I could trust my friends with my feelings

sankankei: i’m,, not sure if i could be honest with my friends rn

dowasure: hey that’s alright, everyone’s situation is different.

dowasure: advice isn’t universal and there’s so many factors going on for other people that we’ll never fully understand

Usami: Exactly! This is something to just consider in the long-term, not any call for action. You have our full support whenever you need it, and I hope you feel comfortable being honest here!

sankankei: always usami <3 thank you

n4kiw4r4i: <3 

se1k1: <3 <3 

usotsuki: Usami.

Usami: Yes?

usotsuki: Is this the point where you ask us if there’s anything else we’d like to discuss?

Usami: Yes of course! Is there something you’d like to talk about today?

usotsuki: Nope!

Usami: Oh, alright.

se1k1: What are you up to  (≖_≖ )

Usami: Is there anyone else who would like to discuss anything? Any topic is alright.

Shoulders rigid and tight, Kaito lets go of the breath he’s been holding ever since his last message.

space_hero: yeah i’ve got something

The words are spelt out in his head. He’s already done it once, with usotsuki. It’s fine to be a little bit unwell. And all he agreed to do with usotsuki was tell the group why he’s here.

I’m sick. 

I’m sick, but it’s temporary. 

I’m sick—but well it’s technically not confirmed to be temporary, but it’s not going to be fatal and I’m going to recover and go back to normal and go to space—ergo: temporary.

He types as much into the text box. Reads it over once again. 

The backspace key is smashed until that whole sentence is deleted.

space_hero: I’m sick

space_hero: uh it’s the reason I’m here

space_hero: that’s all

se1k1: That’s..all?

n4kiw4r4i: ^^^??!

n4kiw4r4i: are you okay?!???

kiodo: Huh??

dowasure: that can’t be easy, I’m sorry

Usami: Thank you for trusting us to share that.

n4kiw4r4i: no wait can you elaborate???

n4kiw4r4i: that can mean a lot of things??????????

Breathe. In, out. Blink.

space_hero: uh it’s a bit rough

space_hero: interfering with my job at the moment

space_hero: which is how i ended up here

space_hero: that’s all

se1k1:  I don’t think that’s all?????

Usami: seiki and nakiwarai, your concern is understandable but space_hero does not need to share more than he’s comfortable with.

usotsuki: Is that all you have to say?

Usami: You don’t have to answer further.

Kaito stares very, very intently at his keyboard. This is a group chat where no one knows who he is. He’s not a student at Hope’s Peak, he’s not an astronaut, he’s not a symbol of hope for his friends and for children across the globe. He’s just a random high school student, talking to other random students and one anonymous supervisor. There are no expectations, no one he can disappoint.

Knowing all that does not make saying anything any easier. His finger grows sore from tapping a key repeatedly without fully pressing it.

A glance at the door confirms it’s closed and locked. And so he types.

space_hero: it’s complicated. 

space_hero: it’s an untreatable disease, at least from what anyone knows. which is very little, as nobody knows what it is

space_hero: but it’s not fatal

space_hero: and i’m working on living with it until it’s gone

n4kiw4r4i: i can’t believe that

n4kiw4r4i: i’m so sorry

shuuyou_ni: that doesn’t sound easy, but I believe in you my guy

se1k1: If you don’t mind me asking, are you sure it’s undiagnosable?

se1k1: Maybe the Ultimate Doctor might be able to help?

dowasure: even ultimates have a limit seiki

se1k1: At least for treatment?

There’s no way to explain without revealing his identity that his space agency arranged to fly in every living health-related Hope’s Peak graduate to personally examine him, with this wonderful unknown verdict being their grand conclusion. Besides the drastic connections needed to make that possible, the result would feel just as unbelievable as when he lived through it.

space_hero: i’ve been seen by enough doctors, trust me

dowasure: :\ 

n4kiw4r4i: aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

n4kiw4r4i: sorry it’s just so unfair

kiodo: I can’t imagine what you’re going through 

Kaito frowns.

space_hero: like i said

space_hero: it’s not fatal.

space_hero: i can’t say it’s not annoying but i’ll overcome it

se1k1: Sorry to pry further, but if you don’t know what the illness is, how do you know it’ll go away?

His leg bounces up and down as the earlier feeling of hollowness grates against a razor-sharp ignition of anger.

“You don’t get it!” The desk shakes as a fist slams into the nearest object. The heat rises to his head. Every inhale claws him deeper into a desperate frustration.

In. Out.

He feels his eyes burning as the conversation on the screen holds perfectly still. Nobody seems to disagree with Seiki’s line of questioning. Cursing, he pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to think this through. What would he say if seiki was the one being questioned?

space_hero: sometimes you just gotta believe in yourself even if others doubt you. if you dont have your own back, how can you expect anyone else to?

Kaito has said as much to Shuichi before, and every word holds his genuine beliefs. What do the Ultimate Doctor and Ultimate Radiologist know about who he is and what he can overcome? So what if his trachea is grated and half the nerves in left lung are breaking down? His chances aren’t zero—there is a way, and he certainly has the will. It might not be easy, but he’ll survive. Anyone who doesn’t understand that, doesn’t understand Kaito Momota.

se1k1: I think I understand

se1k1: I believe in you too!

dowasure: that’s some philosophy… hard to argue with

usotsuki: Where’s the line between belief and denial?

space_hero: somewhere else.

usotsuki: Convincing.

kiodo: Hey now tsuki,

kiodo: I don’t think it’s fair to shoot someone down for believing in themselves. 

kiodo: Spacey, I believe in you too. You’re not alone!

Kaito sighs out a breath of relief and finally relaxes back into his chair. Something about being believed in doesn’t fulfill him the same way it does with his sidekicks, but it still feels like a thin layer of familiarity. 

space_hero: thanks

Usami: Thank you for trusting us, space_hero. We can talk about it further any time you’d like, even if it’s just to vent any frustrations or to be understood in a confidential space.

mochiroku: yeah!!

Actually what Kaito really wants is to never talk about it again. Saying as much just feels a bit too rude towards Usami for his liking.

space_hero: Will keep that in mind :) 

mochiroku: actually if it’s okay

mochiroku: i’ve got something i wanted to ask you all about 

Kaito sighs in relief, although the air rattles uncomfortably wet. Swallowing the temptation to clear his throat, he moves slowly to the bathroom where the tiny chips of the sink strainer always stubbornly remain stained with blood.

Every cough feels like a knife being taken to his chest as he wheezes over the sink. The air he inhales makes him wish he could take a break from breathing, just until it doesn’t feel like pouring saltwater over fresh wounds. It hurts.

In. Out. In— no, air is good, don’t tense up. Out. 

Swallow.

There are three drops of blood sink that stare back at him. He flicks on the tap and rubs them all away in response. Another tissue joins the collection at the bottom of his trash bin.

The chair leans under his weight as he settles back down at his desk. Kaito takes a sip of water and rejoins the conversation as if he had never left. There are some talks about naki’s parents’ divorce updates, which delves into a more lighthearted conversation about international travel. Kaito chimes in where he can, but after some dozen minutes he begins to feel the weight of the day on his shoulders.

After the group discussion ends, he chews on the last few items from Kirumi’s gift basket from earlier in the week in lieu of a dinner he wouldn’t be able to stomach. He feels a headache coming on. Dimming the brightness of his monitor, he pulls up his conversation with usotsuki.

space_hero: hey

Squinting at the faint pixels, he doesn’t have to wait long for the familiar notification sound.

usotsuki:  (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ✧･  ﾟ✩

usotsuki: Congratulations, you said some truthful things today!

usotsuki: Honestly, I know that had to have been less easy than it looked.

usotsuki: How did it feel?

space_hero: can we actualy talk about that anothre time

space_hero: super tired righft noww

space_hero: there;s a truthful thing fir ya

usotsuki: That rough, huh.

usotsuki: So why are you still awake?

space_hero: told ya

space_hero: nickname

usotsuki: Oh.

usotsuki: That really can wait.

space_hero: no

Kaito presses the heel of palm into eyes and forces himself to sit up from leaning back in his chair to coherently type his plan out.

space_hero: so I was thinking about it..

space_hero: and if your usernamw makes it easier to chat and all

space_hero: and maybe I kinda get it but maybe I dont

space_hero: i don tthink thinking of you a s a liar makes much sense to me

space_hero: bcv you’re pretty turthful when it comes to it

space_hero: but instead of me coming upw ith your nickanem 

space_hero: *nickname

Kaito rubs his eyes.

space_hero: you’ve gotta come up with one.

space_hero: one that you’re comfortable with!

space_hero: no calling yourself a liar though

space_hero: and no rushing either

space_hero: it’s not fair of anyone to ask you to remove your security right?

space_hero: so whenever you’re reayd.

usotsuki: You really don’t like to make things easy for me, do you.

space_hero: no :) 

usotsuki: I’ll allow it.

usotsuki: Only because I think you’ll fall asleep at your table if I don’t.

space_hero: yea habout thuat

space_hero: goofdnight

space_hero: o/

usotsuki: Get some rest.

Through his exhaustion, Kaito manages some sort of smile. 

When he’s in bed, laying on his side as both eyes close, his screen flickers with a ding as one more message comes through that he’ll read tomorrow.

>> usotsuki: Thanks.