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She'd been through this before.
Doing her damnedest to quiet herself, to not wake the sleeping body beside her, coughing up petals and hiding them away. Stuff them under the mattress, into the pillowcases, shoving them into the beside table until there grew to be to many and they spilled out onto the sheets.
The first confession wasn't by her own will, and nor would her second be.
But the first time, she wilted, and was met with a sad smile. A hand laced into her own and soft lips against hers and suddenly the scratchy, flutter in her chest was gone and she could breathe again.
The next time it comes is some months later. One hand intertwined with her lover's, the other flies up as she senses the tickle in the back of her throat.
Lapis pales when she feels the brush of a tiny petal against her fingertips.
"That sounded nasty. You coming down with a cold?" Peridot asks, glancing up only momentarily from her phone.
"No," Lapis says, balling her hand into a fist and jamming it into her pocket. "Probably just some dust."
And it only grows. It wasn't a hallucination, Lapis realizes, and realizes hard as they part ways in the hall and she nearly chokes, struggling to turn the bend as she spews up four petals into her hand.
She hadn't dared look yesterday, but now she's forced to. Forcing them into the trash, she catches a glimpse of the tiny, yellow petals. They're the same as the first time.
Buttercups.
This is how she will die. She rationalizes this as her fate, and accepts it. Her door slams shut and she hiccups, beginning to quiver, and upheaving enough to start her own bouquet.
They'd made plans to spend time together, but Lapis bailed last minute. Her thoughts had gotten the best of her, leaving her with an ache in her chest and a twitch in her lungs.
She tucks them under the mattress.
The first time, the two of them worked hard to ensure that all of the petals were disposed of. Not a single surface left turned over, each and every yellow speck discarded, erasing the damage.
It doesn't matter. She won't see.
Peridot hasn't come into her room for quite some time.
And it's stupid. Why not just throw them away?
It's so when she wakes in the dead of night, victim to a coughing fit, she can utter the words 'I deserve this' to herself, and know she's right.
It grows exponentially.
Her teachers send her to the nurse every week, then every other day, then every period. It becomes no secret except to those she's most determined to keep it from.
"You know it can be surgically removed... right?"
The nurse speaks, soft but not soft enough.
"I don't want that."
Lapis accepts the cup of water then excuses herself.
It follows her everywhere. She swears that no matter how hard she tries to contain them, a stray petal will find its way into the halls or into her bag. A nagging fear keeps her on edge, for she knows Peridot could recognize them instantly.
She's too stubborn to give it up.
And her second confession comes much too soon.
They're watching a movie, both only half invested, when she feels the pressure in her chest begin to build. Her lips are pulled tight as she gets up and shuffles toward the bathroom, her eyes watering and by the time she gets there, her head is throbbing.
Then they all come spilling out as she coughs and heaves and wheezes, petals decorating the floor and sink. She can't breathe, squeezing her eyes shut as tears roll down her cheeks.
Peridot hadn't heard her cough the first time. She'd only seen the proof- the petals. She doesn't recognize the danger of the sound, the strangeness in the struggling cough, but it's still enough to warrant concern.
A few moments later, Peridot knocks on the door and it's somehow audible above all the spitting.
"You okay in there?"
"Fine," Lapis huffs, reaching up from her place on the ground as she spins the faucet on.
"Are you sure? You sound really sick. I just wanna-"
The door clicks open and Lapis rushes to shut it, but she's weak and breathless, stilled as another wave of coughing overtakes her.
Peridot sees the yellow scattered across the floor and her face drains of color.
"Why... didn't you tell me?" She asks once the wheezing has died down, her voice empty and almost hurt.
"You know I couldn't."
"Bullshit!" Peridot explodes. "That's bullshit and you know it- I thought you trusted me!" She drops to her knees, angrily pushing the heaps of petals aside.
The tears come immediately, and Lapis shrinks farther into her hoodie.
"Don't yell, please."
"I've got the right to be upset, Lapis! Why would you hide something like this from me?!"
"I didn't want you to kn-"
"Yeah, why?!"
Peridot stares at her, fire stirring behind her eyes but Lapis isn't sure if tears are about to fall.
"I couldn't handle knowing I was a damn fool for feeling the way I do. And the way you don't."
"That's because you make yourself hard to love, Lapis!"
Lapis freezes.
"You make yourself hard to love because you only show the bad parts of yourself," Peridot continues, pointing her finger and it sends a sharp pain through Lapis' heart. "You shut everyone out including me, you deny yourself of any comfort, and you live your life like it's- it's some damn romantic depression! A pity party!"
Lapis clears her throat. A single petal drifts through the air and lands in her lap. She can't lift her gaze.
"I asked you not to yell."
"Lapis I know it hurts but it's hard to love someone who-"
"Who's like me," Lapis finishes.
"No-! Who... who... Look. You know what I mean. You're not going to suffer because of me. Get up."
And she doesn't. She only stares at the floor, now braced on her hands and knees, trembling. It's only when Peridot gets closer is when she realizes Lapis is crying, though silently, much harder.
"You aren't going to suffer because of me," Peridot presses, reaching to grab Lapis' wrist.
Lapis jerks away. She brings her hand to her chest.
"I don't want this gone," she sputters, her words coming through pathetic sniffling. "I don't want them to cut it out of me like some- disease. Love isn't a disease."
"You're going to d-"
"Love isn't a disease!" Lapis shrieks, then heaves up a handful of fully formed flowers.
"Then god damnit, let me love you! Let yourself be lovable!"
Lapis narrows her eyes and spits "Let me die."
The three words hang heavy in the air, both too stunned by the tension in the room to move. But it's Peridot who crumbles first, and reaches out to pull Lapis into a hug.
She dissolves and hiccups soft flowers over Peridot's shoulder.
"I know you. I still care about you," the blonde murmurs, cringing as the flora hits her back. "I know you thrive in being sad. It's how you've been for so long but I also know there's a part in you that loves to cling to hope. That's why we're here. You're just to scared to indulge that part of yourself."
"It hurts," Lapis seethes through sobs. "I get let down every time and it hurts to be a fool."
"You're not investing enough into your hope. You can't expect a relationship to succeed if you can't open up to your partner. How the hell is this going to work if you can't tell me how you feel, let alone what you ate for breakfast?" Peridot runs her fingers through Lapis' hair.
"Nothing good lasts anyway. Why embarrass myself any more than I have to?"
"Not with that attitude. You shouldn't be afraid of embarrassing yourself in front of me. I'm suppose to love and support you."
"But you don't." Lapis starts.
"Because you don't let me." Peridot finishes.
"But you don't even try."
"Because you shut me down every time. Lapis I'm not a mindreader, I don't know what you want me to do."
After what feels like so much fighting, resisting, Lapis goes limp in her arms. Resolved.
"It doesn't matter. This conversation needed to happen sooner," she finally speaks, voice worn and tired. "It's too late. I'm going to die."
"You can't give up so easy..."
But when Peridot pulls her closer, the only thing between them then is the soft, muddled breathing, Peridot can all but feel the stirring and fluttering in Lapis' rib cage.
She doesn't want it to be too late.
"I won't be let down again," Lapis says. Reaching up momentarily, she twists the knob to the sink to stop the water before it overflows the counter. The drain is going to clog yellow but she doesn't care. "It hurts so much worse to die fighting than to die content with it."
Very unsatisfied with this, Peridot's lips pull into a frown, and she goes to wipe the drying saline from Lapis' face. She tucks a stray lock of blue hair behind her ear but that sends Lapis into another spiraling coughing fit.
Peridot jerks away like she's been burned.
"Only makes it worse," Lapis explains through what sounds to be the most painful coughs yet.
Once it subsides, it seems they've reached a stalemate. Neither willing to budge from their stance, and no way to compromise.
They stare at each other and Lapis feels the rumbling in her chest come to a still.
Then at the same time they crawl to each other and, in a pile of limbs, collapse wholly onto the bathroom floor. Lapis is coughing the whole time she pulls Peridot into a protective embrace.
And Peridot thinks, if she were stronger, she’d have the will to stand up. To really keep steady on her word. But in the moment. She’s weak. They’re both so so weak and it’s easier to just curl up and shut the world out.
“Please… don’t give up. Not yet. I know you don’t want to be let down, but I-” Peridot breaks.
“I don’t want you to die.”
“Peridot-”
“What about all the stuff we talked about? We were gonna get our own apartment and move away from here. And… get a cat? I-” her voice cracks. “I wanted to marry you.”
“Peridot, stop.” Lapis wheezes, guttural and low. “You don’t love me anymore.”
“Do you not want me to?!”
“... I do.”
“Then don’t give up. If you get let down, if you d-” Peridot falters “If you die fighting, you can blame me. It’ll be the last thing you do and I’ll live with it my whole life. But I can’t help you if you don’t even try to let me love you again.”
And it’s true. The reality of it all slams into Lapis like a brick wall and once again she’s breathless. How fucked up it is, and how complex the situation is- and how it’s not only her choice to make.
She closes her eyes and pulls her girlfriend closer.
“I love you.”
“I- I loved you. I’ll love you.”
They fall into a soundless sleep on the cold tile floor, in each other’s arms, surrounded by wilting, browning flower petals.