Work Text:
“Hey B, how are you doing today?”
He was met with a cold, stony stare and silence. The wind blew through the trees, like a snort through nostrils that reeked of an emotion he couldn’t quite place. Dan just let out a small laugh, breath visible the moment air escaped his lungs. That was the only indication of how cold it shouldn’t have been in Austin, Texas. It unnerved him, like something was missing and wrong, when this reunion should have made him feel better. It should have made the guilt a little less unbearable.
“I know I haven’t visited in awhile, and I’m sorry. It’s been what, half a year now?”
Again, silence and the same hard stare. Dan shifted from foot to foot, wet, frosted grass crunching under his standard issue combat boots. He didn’t know why he was nervous, but he simply was.
“It’s been hard to visit, what with me in the army and you deciding to stay here. But this is where your family is right? Even though I’m technically your family too, but it’s alright.”
He found himself rambling, words tumbling from his lips and trying to find any possible way to permeate the weighted silence that had situated itself between them.
“But I’m here now B. Even though I wasn’t here when you really needed me.”
He smiled, but it was bitter through and through.
“It’s Valentine’s Day. I’ve been thinking about us.”
Dan finally opted to sit down, the ground muddy, cold seeping into his body quicker than with just the wind. He didn’t mind his uniform getting wet, and it didn’t matter because he didn’t have to wear it ever again. He sat cross legged, resting his forearms on his knees and hanging his head down.
“I’ve been thinking about that bloody little git I met back in grade school, who refused to cut his hair and hardly looked 11.”
When they first met, Dan thought Gavin was a girl. His limbs were long and slim, a fair face with a rather large nose, skin tanned and decorated with a mural of scars and bruises. Sandy blond hair fell far past his shoulders, despite the misuse from his own nervous pulling as well as pulling from bullies who berated him for it. He could see that he had been outside the whole summer months before then, climbing trees and conquering the various playground equipment. That was where he first met Gavin, the day after he moved to the small little town at the end of the summer before Year 7, looking up at the mysterious girl sitting at the top of the playground set who was staring down at him with a curious smile. As soon as the words left his pink lips, Dan realized he was meeting someone much more interesting than a random child on the playground.
-What’s your name?
-I’m Dan.
-I’m Gavin. Do you play any N64?
“And how I would run my hands through it when we sat on my bed and you’d accuse me of pretending you were some blonde bloke and joke about leaving me.”
They started dating the summer after Year 11. It was like any regular night between them, the two sharing a bed as they watched a crappy movie, Gavin’s head situated on the other’s lap while his fingers ran through his hair almost on autopilot. Dan would sometimes move his hands to the sensitive spot on the back of his friend’s neck, a small sigh of pleasure all that Gavin would allow to escape. One day, a particularly hot afternoon in July, found them in much the same position. It was relatively cool in the dark of Dan’s room, the two curled up as usual watching a fairly awful bootleg of House of the Dead. They had been excited for the movie, having played the game to death years prior. Gavin had been talkative as the movie began, settling himself down in the other’s lap and relaxing when he felt those familiar, calloused fingers find their place in his hair. Dan went along with his ramblings, basking in the silence that eventually fell upon them before realizing something was off. He looked down at Gavin who was looking up at him thoughtfully, face not putting forth any emotion other than thinking.
-B? What’s the matter?
-Dan.. are we dating?
The boy in question simply stared at his friend, eyes wide with surprise at the interruption. Gavin’s face was touched with pink, eyes struggling to meet with the other’s. Dan wanted to chuckle at the boy below him, and how he really did look like a girl when he made faces like that. The distant sounds of zombies and screaming faded away as he took in just what Gavin had asked him. He thought on it long, making Gavin squirm with worry at the prolonged silence.
-Do you want us to be?
-Yes, fucking yes, you bloody-
It was Gavin’s turn to stare wide-eyed, vision blocked by the person currently kissing him softly, yet confidently. He felt the beginning of facial hair scratch his cheek, slowly kissing his friend back. He reached up to loop his arms around Dan’s neck, allowing himself to be lifted into sitting in the other’s lap. As the end credits rolled, the two found it pretty easy to ignore the world around them, too caught up in exploring each other and getting closer, closer.
///
“I remember when we were behind the bleachers during our prom and almost got caught damn near shagging by the principal because your hair got stuck on a screw.”
-Aah, B! I told you not to leave marks.
-But I want to. Those birds in there should know by now that you’re mine.
-B..
-They should know that they can never make you feel as good as I make you. And will never love you as much as I do.
-Dan!
Dan just pressed the young man harder into the metal of the bleachers, their chests flush and breathing heavy and ragged. Gavin let out a groan, fisting his fingers into the other’s dress shirt and wrinkling it. He pulled at his impeccable tie, letting it hang undone before attacking the buttons. In retaliation, the darker haired boy did the same, sucking on a different section of skin with each pop, their actions drawing a myriad of moans and noises from both of their lips. Dan moved his hips down slowly, feeling the growing hardness in his partner’s slacks and letting out a small gasp. A shit-eating grin fell upon his face at state of the boy below him, pleased with how far gone Gavin was to even think to try stifling the cries of his name.
-HEY! You two, what are you doing over there?!
They quickly separated upon hearing the shouts that were getting closer to their hiding spot. Trying not to panic, they attempted to fix each other’s shirts, smoothing them out and appearing presentable before moving to try to make it back inside the auditorium without any suspicion.
-Ah! Dan, I can’t- my hair is stuck-!
-Are you.. oh shit, you are serious…
Gavin nearly fell backward into the metal, eyes screwing shut in pain as his momentum halted. His hands flew to his hair, trying to tug it free from the large screw it was wrapped tightly around. Dan quickly made his way back to his boyfriend, frantically working to get him free as they heard principal coming closer. Eventually Dan clicked his tongue; resorting to whipping out his Swiss Army knife they both knew he took from his dad’s closet, and cutting away the caught strands. They ran off hand in hand, opting to race each other home in the chilly night air. The familiar weight of the other’s hand and the pocketknife deep in his pants’ pocket helped Dan’s mind from soaring too far into the clouds from the thrill of the boy next to him.
///
“Then I remember when you cut it all off and you told me you were leaving to go to work for Rooster Teeth. I was happy for you, you’d always dreamed of it. I saw the light that was in your eyes when you talked about it.”
They were older now; the two had turned 21 that year, celebrating with copious amounts of alcohol and shenanigans in their small town. Gavin cut his hair the day after graduation and never looked back, and Dan loved his windy, gelled hair just as much as his long locks from high school. They even found a small one-room apartment in the city, tiny, cramped, but to them it was perfect. Dan had managed to find odd jobs, working in various offices and pubs, and Gavin had found a job at a film studio dedicated to slow motion. It was different, but it was simply them.
-B! I got it, I got the job!
-Gavin that’s fantastic!
Dan was happy for him, he really was. He pushed down the loneliness and burning as far as it could, forcing himself to truly believe he was 100% happy for him. Gavin tossed his arms around his neck and shoulders, encircling the other like an octopus. The younger just laughed and held him there, giving him a few twirls before prodding him to let go. Gavin gave him a curious look, one of slight understanding, and reached down to take Dan’s hands in his own.
-I can’t leave for awhile, so don’t think I’m leaving you, you sausage. There’s this thing I need called a work visa, but I don’t quite know how to get it…
-Let’s come up with ideas then. Come on, let’s get to it then.
-I’ll tell you all about the gang then! Burnie’s really amazing, he once…
They ended up falling asleep on one another on their small bed in the wee hours of the night, papers scattered among them and crinkling under their shifting bodies. One of them read: “Slapping in slow motion?” with a circle and question mark around it.
///
“But that light went away when I told you I was going into the army. You started crying and collapsed on me and we just sat holding each other for hours, because how in bloody hell were we going to last through all of this?”
It had hurt, much more than any blow he had taken back in high school. No, this was a cutting pain, and it felt like a large piece of glass had come down and impaled him. The upset in his love’s eyes felt like electricity, but not the pleasant, warm kind that came when they touched; it was sharp, and he felt his body try to throw itself away from the shock. The water in those eyes made him feel like he was drowning, not only in the shimmering green that was his irises, but in the flood of tears that eventually fell with abandon. His breathing became shallow, quick, body visibly shaking with sobs. Dan was there to catch him just as his knees buckled underneath, allowing the smaller man to cling to him and rubbing circles at the base of his spine. Gavin tried to speak multiple times, only for his face to scrunch up and be buried in the fabric on the other’s shirt once more. Finally, he managed to steady his breaths and whispered a question.
-What’s going to happen to us?
-We’re going to beat distance is what we’re going to do.
-Do you promise?
-I promise.
At that point, Dan wasn’t sure if he was lying to console Gavin or lying to console himself.
///
“We had started The Slow Mo Guys to get your work visa to America, but we ended up sticking with it. All those times I got myself hurt because of your ‘amazing ideas’ and you’d just smile at me and try to kiss it better. When in reality, kisses never could fix first and second degree burns, B.”
-Today we have some hot oil. We want to see what it looks like on fire. You know, the usual.
It was honestly a stupid idea. The fumes from the burning oil had to be fanned away from where they had spent the last hour sending apples on a line drive. Gavin thought it smelled like his dad’s old pickup when they snatched the keys and went on a jerky drive around their town when they were 15. Even their new bee friend wasn’t taking lightly to the smell, attaching itself to Dan’s lab coat, small giggles falling from the other Brit’s lips. They agreed that the oil wasn’t getting hot enough on their hotplate and that it was pretty much another failed video.
-Get off me Barry!
-He’s taken a liking to you, love. We already have something in common. Now what are we going to do about this stuff?
-Pour it out.
-Really? Hey- be careful you git!
The oil sizzled on contact with the damp grass, creating a large cloud of smoke. Dan let out a laugh, continuing to pour the liquid to see the steam. He had barely twisted his wrist when a sizable amount splashed onto the skin of his hand and left leg, letting out a loud yelp and dropping the skillet to the ground. He laid down on his side, dew cool against his bare legs while he inspected his injuries and calmed his heart rate. Gavin ran over instantly, kneeling on the ground next to the fallen soldier and reaching for his hands.
He took them gently into his own, fingers and eyes like feathers over the burns. Dan hissed despite the soft touches, a slight sting settling there. The blond reached over him for the ice bucket on hand in case of emergencies, slowly dunking his mate’s hand and pouring some of the water on his calf. Gavin was silent for a few minutes, tending to the other’s burns before finally standing them up and moving inside. Grabbing gauze and anti-bacterial from a cabinet, he took care in applying and wrapping the light bandages around his wrist and around his thumb. When he finished, he brought the hand up to his lips and kissed butterfly-light-kisses to his knuckles, fingers and cloth before moving his lips to melt sweetly against Dan’s tender ones.
“And when we got all of those people at RTX to throw bloody water balloons at us! That was my turn to kiss your scrapes and bruises.”
-B… it hurts! Kiss it better?
-What are you, a toddler?
-Please..
-Fine…
He kneeled down on the asphalt, gripping Gavin’s shorts to keep his balance. Gavin just giggled down at him like the child he was, smile bubbling from within him despite the lack of sleep and early morning work load. They had just finished filming what was sure to be a popular video, with an amazing amount of help from the Rooster Teeth crew and the near 2000 fans. Granted, when they thought of this they hadn’t anticipated the sheer amount of cuts and bruises from the rough Austin street.
Things were dying down, and the two found themselves chatting about their various injuries they were sporting when Gavin asked the childish question. Dan honestly didn’t mind babying his boyfriend, and had long gotten over any fears over public displays of affection. So he placed gentle kisses over each and every bruise and scrape, eventually rising to give him a peck on the lips, encircling his fingers in Gavin’s and walking them over to join their friends.
///
“We managed it for a long time. You would visit your family and me in England for holidays and I would come see you whenever I could. It was hard, but we managed it.”
[01:11] I love you. Call me when you’re done with training tomorrow.
[01:25] I love you too B. Tomorrow?
[01:28] Tomorrow.
\\
-Dan. I miss you.
-I know Gav, I know. I actually have a surprise for you in a little while.
-What kind of surprise!
-A special one.
-You’re coming here aren’t you? TELL ME DANIEL.
-Nope, not a peep. Be a good boy and wait for your surprise.
-You hurt me B. You hurt me in my heart.
“We’d been talking about marriage, me moving to Austin once my term in the army was up. We had so many plans.”
-Would we get a flat? And a pug?
-We could get a real house. And maybe a cat.
-I like pugs..
-We can get both you know.
-Can we?!
-And we can get a big backyard, film Slow Mo Guys here. And maybe.. you know, only if you want to..
-Start a family?
-If you want to.
-I wouldn’t want to do it with anyone but you.
\\
-So, you’d move here. Right?
-Unless you want to move back to England, yeah. Once I’m out of the army of course.
-Only a few more years right?
-Yeah, only a few.
-I’m looking forward to it, B.
///
“I heard the news from Geoff.. I got a call telling me to pack a bag and giving me flight information. I didn’t know what was going on, but of course I came. I- I didn’t expect this.”
Gavin looked lifeless. Like a pale rag doll, empty, the only life within him from the countless tubes and whirring machines hooked up to his body. The sheer amount of gifts, flowers, colors within the room was unimaginable, yet it didn’t make the white of the hospital room any less cold and dull. Gavin didn’t belong here; no he belonged in the bright Achievement Hunter office, living his dream job and helping make people smile. He belonged back in England with him, in their small cramped apartment, in his grandparents’ backyard filming, sitting on his bed with him while they watched a movie, perched atop that jungle gym with the cheeky grin that never outgrew him.
He didn’t belong here, lying damn near dead in a hospital room.
Dan didn’t cry that night. He thought long and hard, on all the mistakes he’d made, on all the things he’d done to hurt the love of his life. But he also thought about all the good times, the time they spent being together and loving one another. He tried to force his mind to comprehend the fact that he would never see those shining sea grass eyes brighten just as blinding as his smile, that he would never hear the brilliant ideas cascade from his lips in excitement, that he would never be able to be with his Gavin ever again.
-I’m so sorry.
He left after the funeral. He felt guilty, like he had given up on him. He had been told to make a decision and even now, he wasn’t sure he made the right one. The eyes from his friends became near painful, accusing, so he fled. He needed to be alone, somewhere he could process it all himself. Somewhere he could face that guilt, or let it eat him alive.
So he ran. He ran away back to their little town where they first met, and sat among the rusting playground equipment and cursed the world. He spat anything hateful he could think to say at the sky, at God, hell, at anyone who would listen. He shed tears, those he couldn’t among the others. He let himself scream, beg, plead, late into the night outside in the park. He could have cared less what any passersby thought of him, because this was for him.
This was for Gavin.
///
“I ran like a coward. I ran away from you, trying to face you. Nothing truly made me feel alright again.”
Afghanistan was hell after that. It was his last deployment, his last set of months. All his other experiences paled in comparison to this. He felt it everyday, the empty feeling, the feeling that something was missing. His phone stayed silent, his mailbox empty. His fellow soldiers stayed curt with him. He felt alone, and he vaguely wondered if Gavin must be feeling the same in whatever awaited him after death.
He wouldn’t lie that he tried to end it. He wouldn’t lie when he said he relished in the feeling of the cool metal on his temple or the prick of the blade on his wrist. He honestly didn’t remember what made him stop; somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard Gavin’s voice, like a shadow.
-I’m looking forward to it, B.
“I just finished my last tour. It’s over. You got your wish, I never have to leave you again.”
He finally stood, cold deeply rooted in his bones and clinging to the folds of his uniform. He felt a familiar weight in his pocket, and the lingering feeling of fingers wrapped around his own.
“I’m looking forward to it too, B.”