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If nothing else, Lister seemed impressed. “Top colour-coding, old chap. Absolutely marvellous.”
Rimmer puffed out his chest, proud. “So, as you can see from the data here, here, and here, Monday night has the highest likelihood of, er - going smoothly. What do you think?”
“As I say, marvellous,” Lister proclaimed with a saucy wink. “I look forward to it.”
“Yes, well.” His presentation over and done with, Rimmer deflated somewhat. The next bit was never enjoyable. “I’ll see you at breakfast, and, er.”
“YO!” The deep voice punched through his plan for the next thirty seconds, leaving it sparkling mockingly like so many shards of glass. “It’s cuddle time!”
Rimmer settled for a quick shoulder-pat before hurrying out of the room. He always hurried out these days; it was better when the ever-present snout and tail and fur and - all the other things were but a blur in his peripheral vision.
Besides, he’d learned early on that it was pointless trying to prolong anything good when Rat was in a warmth-seeking mood.
Lister poured them each another glass of champagne. “This is lovely.”
“I heard you the first fifty times,” Rimmer teased.
“Sorry, old chum. It’s only that it’s so rare that we get to sit like this, all nice and quiet.” Lister caught himself and grinned, having noticed Rimmer’s fingers drumming impatiently on the sofa. “But of course, sitting is hardly what we’re here for.”
“Indeed.” Rimmer reached out and pulled gently at Lister’s cravat. “Now, in my opinion,” he began, a little dreamily, “This is a trifle too heavy for the occasion.”
“KNOCK-KNOCK!”
Rimmer froze. An unmistakeable swish and thump sounded against the door.
“You’re supposed to say ’WHO’S THERE’!”
He jumped up, reanimated by the hated voice. “For smeg’s sake!” he growled. “Can we not have one solitary evening completely to ourselves?”
Lister put out a placating hand. “There’s no need to be hasty. Let me see what’s bothering him.”
Rimmer released a silent scream into the air as Lister got up and walked away from him to open the door to Rat — only it wasn’t just Rat, but also two of his innumerable friends/brothers/cousins.
“We’re not feeling good,” Friend/Brother/Cousin 1 declared. “Make us feel better.”
“We lost big,” Friend/Brother/Cousin 2 added. “Went all in and BOOM! Lost everything! Every last cheese crumb!”
Without further ado, all three rats stomped over to the bunks and started to squeeze themselves into the lower one.
Nausea and anger overwhelmed Rimmer. Fully intending to throw the champagne bottle at their heads, he stretched out a hand toward the ice bucket, only to have its progress arrested by Lister’s warm, well-manicured hands.
“It was a wonderful idea,” Lister told him bracingly. “And next week - ”
“No, please.”
“Tonight’s an anomaly,” Lister pleaded, voice soft and heart-melting. “I didn’t think any of them would leave their game, either, but what can you do, eh? But next Monday — you, me, and we can skip the champagne and go straight to the good stuff. What do you say?”
Rimmer closed his eyes and nodded; he felt too defeated to speak.
“Hey! Didn’t know we were getting a free film! Where’s the cheese popcorn?”
“WILL YOU SHUT UP!”