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i.
“Shiro, stop it.”
The hand continued petting through Keith’s hair, tugging to work the knots out of where his mullet had grown long enough to start tangling in on itself.
“That hurts. Just let me sleep.”
“But I like touching your hair. It’s so soft.” The fingers of his human hand kept up their gentle motions.
Closing his eyes, Keith relented and pressed back into the touch. It wasn’t often that he was allowed this luxury -- sleeping in, Shiro’s warmth against his back, no urgent missions -- so he might as well enjoy it... and let Shiro enjoy it, too. He was here to keep Keith company, after all.
The smaller man relaxed into the mattress as Shiro’s hand moved lower, fingertip tentatively tracing the edges of the scar on his shoulder. Keith hadn’t really paid much attention to the wound at the time, too concerned with surviving the Trials and finding out what he could about himself, but now he was hyperaware of it. The way it was raised just slightly, the way the edges ended in tattered pieces of skin that caught and dragged against Shiro’s touch.
As long as Shiro was happy lavishing attention on him, Keith didn’t feel too bad about doing this. It wasn’t like he was doing anything wrong per se, but it was an unspoken rule that the Blades were supposed to be strict and aloof and not form ties with anyone outside the group. That rule had already been broken when Keith had joined, because there was no way he would ever forsake the Paladins, but bringing one of them into his own bunk seemed a bit presumptuous. But then again, what Kolivan didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, would it?
And if Shiro’s presence helped Keith sleep and get the rest he needed in order to function well, then this was a good thing.
“I’ve missed you, you know,” Shiro murmured softly. He leaned forward and kissed the scar. “I’ve missed having you as my right hand.”
“You can form Voltron just fine without me.” Maybe it was pointless to argue this, but Keith had to speak his mind. “The Coalition is doing great on its own.”
“I still need you, Keith. We all do, but me especially.”
“You say that, and yet I’m still here and you’re --”
“Shhh.”
Keith turned his face into the pillow and tried his best to ignore the way hot tears stained the fabric. Shiro hadn’t stopped his careful touch and even though he felt so warm against Keith’s skin, a chill followed the path of his fingers. How much longer would they be allowed to keep this? It wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t right, it was changing too many dynamics between them without consent.
And yet Keith found that he would do anything to keep hold of this dream as long as he could.
ii.
“You look exhausted.”
“Yeah. It’s just... lots of training. You know how it is.”
Shiro nodded sympathetically and took a seat next to Keith on the barely-comfortable mattress.
“You need to take care of yourself. Tell Kolivan that humans just aren’t built to take this kind of punishment. I don’t want to see you get hurt because you’re too proud to call it off.”
“I’m not proud,” Keith grumbled, turning to bury his head against Shiro’s shoulder. This was going to be one of the bad nights, he could tell. Yet something in him wouldn’t let him back down. Might as well take the bitter with the sweet, that was how relationships worked, right?
“I understand that this training is important for you, but you’ve got to realize that Galra strength isn’t the answer to everything. You’ve got other traits too, human traits, and it’s just as important to practice those.”
“Can we not do this tonight? I don’t have the energy to argue.”
Shiro frowned at that, but only for a moment. Keith could see the battle in his eyes, and finally Keith’s will won and Shiro made eye contact and allowed him a small smile.
“Sorry. I got too wrapped up in the moment. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s okay,” Keith said. He wound his arm with Shiro’s and clasped their hands together. It looked like he’d been wrong; this wouldn’t be a bad night after all. Shiro’s walls were breaking down, crumbling little by little every time Keith let him spend the night, and it was showing in his personality.
Keith brought their hands up and let his lips brush over Shiro’s knuckles. This was certainly new and different, but he couldn’t say he minded.
Reaching over with his free hand, Shiro brushed back Keith’s bangs and caressed his cheek. Keith let his eyelashes flutter closed, body almost out of his control as his head nodded against the other man’s shoulder. If he could stay like this, if they could be like this forever, he’d be happy.
This road was so very dangerous to be on.
iii.
The door slammed behind Keith hard enough to make the latch sensors beep in protest. Startled, Shiro looked up from where he’d been sitting at the small desk and rose to his feet as Keith braced his back against the door.
“Someone after you?” Worried gray eyes traced Keith’s face, trying to find a meaning to his chaotic thoughts.
“It’s --” Keith cut himself off, shaking his head violently. “It’s nothing. I’m fine. I’ve just... gotta keep things straight in my head, that’s all.”
“Easier said than done,” Shiro said, coming closer and resting a hand on Keith’s shoulder. “You’ve got so much going on in your life all the time.”
“Don’t I know it.” Keith closed his hand around Shiro’s wrist, pulled at the other man’s hand until it was cradling Keith’s face instead of his shoulder. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d be a lot worse off than I am already.”
“Or would you?”
“Huh?”
“Am I really helping you, Keith, or am I just slowing you down? You’ve got so much potential. I don’t want to be the weights on your wings keeping you from reaching the stars.”
Keith caught Shiro’s gaze and let the veil drop from his eyes for an instant. “You’ve never been a weight for me to carry. You are my wings. You’re the stars I’m reaching for. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, Shiro, and everything I could never bear to lose. I...”
Keith hiccuped, the end of his sentence lost in uncontrolled breathing and tears he hadn’t realized he was shedding. But Shiro knew what to do, Shiro always knew what to do, as he cupped both hands around Keith’s trembling face.
“And you mean the world to me, too, Keith. The world and everything in it.” His face was so close, so dangerously close, his eyes like snares for Keith’s heart as he peered into amethyst eyes.
Keith leaned his head away, grinding the back of his skull against the wall. He ought to escape, ought to say no, but his mind was enamored with this situation and he couldn’t escape. Didn’t want to.
He closed his eyes as Shiro leaned in. Eager lips met his, eager fingers caught and tangled in his hair. Shiro’s breath was hot as he panted against Keith’s cheek.
This was so good, so much more than he’d dreamed he could have.
“Keith? Keith, what’s wrong?”
He opened blurry eyes to see Shiro’s concerned face only inches away. “It’s nothing, Shiro. I’m just happy you’re here, that’s all.”
Shiro rubbed a thumb along his cheekbone, the gesture so tender and caring, and leaned in again.
And Keith let him.
Keith shouldn’t have let him.
iv.
They were standing on the observation deck of the Marmora base, looking out over the infinite destructive force of the twin black holes, when Keith threaded his fingers into Shiro’s prosthetic ones. They were standing close already, shoulder to shoulder, and the gesture came naturally after having spent so much time together.
It only made sense that they would be allowed to hold hands. After all, they’d kissed. They’d held each other in their arms as they slept. They were much more than friends.
Shiro pulled away sharply, furrowed brow glancing between Keith and where their hands had been joined. He held his arm to his chest as if it had been burned.
“What’s gotten into you, Keith? I understand you’re all on your own out here, but really?”
Bitterness rising in his mouth, Keith looked at the floor. “I’m sorry. I’m just a bit lonely; I won’t do it again.”
Shiro nodded and looked out at the fire that swirled beyond their little shielded bubble. “You’ll fit in here eventually. It makes sense you’re homesick at first.”
Of course Shiro could talk like that. He knew about being homesick with no way of going back. He knew all about loneliness and how someone could feel so isolated and sick at heart that they’d take any escape at all.
But he didn’t know that Keith had found a way out of that pit of depression.
He didn’t know they’d kissed.
He didn’t know any of it, and that’s why he reacted so badly when Keith tried to hold his hand. This wasn’t the Shiro that he’d come to love (that he’d always loved), this was the leader of Voltron trying to win an impossible war. He didn’t have time for selfish desires and neither did Keith.
At least, that’s what Shiro believed.
Keith resumed his place at Shiro’s side, standing far enough apart that there was less temptation to reach out and take his hand again.
“Actually, I’m settling in here just fine. Everyone’s being friendly to me and helping me with anything I need.”
“That’s good,” Shiro said. His eyes were sympathetic but shielded, only giving Keith a moment of his attention before moving on to other matters. “I’m glad you’ve found a place where you’re happy.”
“Yeah,” Keith replied, eyes going hard as glass as he looked at the burning event horizon. “Living here’s a real dream.”
And maybe if he died in his sleep, he could stay in this dream forever.
v.
“I need to talk to you,” Keith said at last, the words heavy on his tongue.
Shiro paused where he was hovering over Keith and laying kisses up and down his spine. “It sounds like you’re upset. Whatever it is, can’t it wait? I just want to enjoy being with you.”
“I know.” It was his own desires talking right now, after all. “I know exactly how you feel, and I’m so sorry but this has to be done.”
Shiro lay down facing Keith, who rolled onto his side but still couldn’t bring himself to meet the other man’s eyes. “Are you sorry for me, or for yourself?”
“That’s the same thing.”
Expression softening, Shiro ran a hand along Keith’s bicep, tracing his forearm and down to where his fingers were clenched in the coarse blanket. “I know.”
Keith flipped his hand over so he could grip Shiro’s wrist. It was easier to study the way their hands fit together so perfectly, a miracle of existence, than to look his lover in the face.
“If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to,” Shiro said, choosing his words. He was looking at their hands too and his face was so unbearably sad. “I know everything you want to say to me.”
“But I need to say it myself.” Keith’s inhale stuttered, catching on the thorns that were growing in his throat. “I need to make myself understand that what I’ve been doing here isn’t right. I need some way to make it stop.”
“It’s easy enough to stop.” Shiro’s touch trailed to Keith’s neck, where the glowing nodes had been removed from a hologram suit and attached to a leather collar instead. As long as they made contact against Keith’s skin, they would let him see his greatest hopes and fears -- and with the right kind of mental strength, he could manipulate exactly what kind of hopes he saw.
Keith blinked against the burn in his eyes. “If I stop, it’ll mean losing you. Giving up on what we have here.” And he couldn’t do that. Not when he saw the way Shiro’s brow wrinkled, his eyes so tired and resigned. But if he kept this Shiro, the one of his dreams, he’d lose the one in reality. He would become so entranced by his own imagination that he’d never be able to interact with the true Black Paladin again.
“Is what we’ve got really so good?”
Keith scooted closer until he could press their foreheads together. “Yeah, it’s good.”
“But deep down, you’re just as lonely as you ever were. You know I’m not real. I won’t ever be able to share your life with you. I won’t be able to give you any kind of comfort that doesn’t already originate in your own mind.”
“Shut up,” Keith whimpered, even though the hologram was only speaking the truth. Shiro -- or rather, this image of Shiro that was sharing his bed -- already knew everything that Keith was thinking because he was only a figment of his mind. His longings made solid so he could selfishly find some happiness in the arms of an illusion.
“You know I’ll support you no matter what you choose,” Shiro said. His touch left Keith’s body, the smaller man shivering at the loss. “And I’m not saying that because that’s what Shiro would say. I’m saying it because I’m you, and I don’t want you secondguessing anything. I’m here to make you feel good, after all.”
Keith sat up and fumbled with the blanket before throwing it off and standing up, bare skin tinged with vivid purple from the base’s lights. “I know. And you have, you really have. But I can’t continue like this any more. I’ve got to at least try giving the real Shiro a chance. Maybe if he spurns me I’ll come crawling back, but...” He smiled wanly. “You won’t judge me for that, will you?”
Shiro stood up, still keeping his hands to himself. “I’ll always understand your reasons for doing things, Keith. And I’ll be here for you always, or never again, or whatever you need.”
“Thank you. I... Shiro, I --”
“Save it for him.”
Keith bit his lip. “I will. I...will.”
Trembling fingers reached up to the collar’s buckle and he pulled off one of the straps, then hesitated. Shiro stood before him, bare and beautiful in the dim light.
Keith’s legs moved forward before he could think what he was doing. One last time, one last sweet, sweet time, he pressed his lips against Shiro’s and felt him reciprocate the kiss.
Eyes closed, Keith shuddered and pulled away, yanking the leather out of the buckle as he stepped back. Static electricity tingled along his skin for a moment and when he opened his eyes, he was alone in his room.
As he should be.
vi.
“It’s good to have you back with us,” Shiro greeted as Keith stepped off the shuttle and onto the white tile of the Castle’s landing bay.
“Good to be back,” Keith replied easily enough, but it was hard to miss the slight slump of his shoulders.
Shiro allowed himself to step closer and was disproportionately happy when Keith didn’t back off and recover the distance between them. “I’ve missed you, you know,” he said quietly.
Wide-eyed, Keith jerked back to stare at him.
“Don’t look so startled! Aren’t I allowed to be sentimental?”
“Nah, it’s good.” Keith relaxed and rested his backpack on the floor against the boarding ramp. “I just... last time we talked, you seemed reconciled to the idea of me being on my own.”
Yeah. That hadn’t gone as well as it had in Shiro’s head. He’d meant to make sure Keith was okay; he’d meant to put a little distance between them in the hopes of squashing Keith’s homesickness that way. Clearly things had gone badly and he’d widened the distance into an uncrossable abyss.
Shiro lowered his head and looked away. “I realize I was harsh with you and I’m sorry. I was pushing you away instead of facing my... problems.”
“Hey, I know how stressful leading Voltron is,” Keith said. He’d turned his back and was nudging at his pack with a foot. “You don’t need to apologize.”
“But I do. Whatever it sounded like to you, that wasn’t what I meant at all. I don’t want you to think I was driving you away or anything --”
“You were. Driving me away. Maybe it was subconscious or whatever, but it was there.”
“It wasn’t because of you. Please, Keith, you have to believe me.”
“Then what was it for? You’ve never reacted so harshly when I’ve gotten close to you before. What made it different all of a sudden on the base?” Keith was keeping his back turned like a moody child, but Shiro could see how tense his body was. How he was strung tight and ready to snap if Shiro should say the wrong things again.
“I was...” He couldn’t say it. He was too close to Keith at that time, too close to throwing away the professional facade he’d spent years building up. All for what, the chance to be rejected to his face? Because there was no way Keith felt the same way. Not firecracker Keith, the free spirit, scorning relationships because they would tie him down. Not Keith, with his seeming aversion to touch, and his walls built five feet thick, and his quiet brooding that spoke volumes yet left so much unsaid.
“Shiro.” Keith was right in front of him, a gentle look in his eyes that Shiro had never seen before. “You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. I’ve waited this long to talk to you; I can wait a while more.”
“Thank you,” Shiro said, bowing his head. If he stayed looking into those crystal-clear eyes any longer, he was going to break and blurt out every feeling ricocheting around inside his chest. “I’ll figure out what to say, and tell you when I’m ready.”
Keith smiled and backed up, and the space between them didn’t feel quite so cold any more. “I’ll be waiting until then.”
And the wait would be so completely worth every second in the end.