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Steve threw himself onto the bed he had rented for the night. This motel was one of the more nicer ones he had stayed in so far. The room was fairly plain, only having a bed, 2 chairs, a small table to eat at, and a bathroom that didn’t look like you were going to end up more dirty then clean after being in it. It was the least of his worries though.
It had been just over 2 months. 2 months of trying to figure out how the hell to move on without you. He told Nat that he needed time, but time wasn’t helping him, and neither was being on the run from your team who was looking for you. Nat called you daily at this point, wanting, trying, to bring you back to the Avenger Compound, but you knew you still couldn’t face Tony. He still couldn’t look at him without remembering the gaping hole in your body from the power of his suit. The hole that you couldn’t recover from. The hole that was meant for him.
It wasn’t just Tony though. It was you. You were the reason he couldn’t move on.
He missed everything about you. The smile you wore the first time he met you, the way you laughed like no one else, and the way he could be just Steve when he was with you. He missed everything. Especially the life you two never got to have together. Marriage, kids, and everything in-between.
Steve moved from the bed to the shower before grabbing his duffle and dumping it on the table to find a decently clean pair of clothes to put on. He definitely did not pack enough, but then again, he didn’t expect to be gone this long. It was then, that the dreaded envelope fell out and onto the floor. Steve picked it up, knowing that it was still unopened and just how you left it when you wrote it for him. He knew reading the letter would mean that you were never coming back. I mean, he already knew that, but it meant saying goodbye again. It meant reading about how you knew you wouldn’t survive the fight. It meant moving on, and he just wasn’t quite sure he wanted to yet.
The envelope felt heavy in his hand. Heavier than his shield, or the weight of the world he sometimes often felt on a day-today basis. The envelope weighed on him more than anything else he had felt since finding out Bucky was still alive. More then the take down of S.H.I.E.L.D/HYDRA.
“You need to open it Steve. Let her say what she wanted to say. Let her say goodbye the way she wanted to…” Steve remembered Buck telling him before going back into Cyro Freeze.
“Alright. I can do this.” Steve said to himself, opening the letter with his shaking hands.
Dear Steve,
If you’re reading this, it means I wasn’t there to destroy this letter before you found it, which probably means I’m dead.
The first thing I want to say is, I’m sorry Steve. I know you told me to stay put, to stay safe, but you know me! I couldn’t just stand-by and watch from the sidelines. I couldn’t let you go.
Steve chuckled at the fact that you couldn’t let him go, and now here he was, not letting you go.
Whatever happens, whatever did happen, please don’t blame yourself. I chose this. I’m gone because of my actions and not anyone else’s. Please don’t go into that dark hole of guilt and regret. You’re Captain America! The world needs you. I need you. I need you to stay the man I fell in-love with, and will always love.
Also, I know it’s going to be hard, but forgive Tony for going against you. He’s only doing what he thinks is right. Don’t let the Avengers lose sight of why we were created in the first place. We still need each other, and they still need you.
I love you Steven Grant Rogers. I love you Captain America. I love you.
Please let yourself move on. I promise I won’t be mad, or haunt your next best girl. You deserve happiness Steve. Please find it. Even without me.
All my love,
Y/N
Steve couldn’t stop the tears from falling from his eyes, or the small smile that was on his face from reading your words. It was like he could hear you reading them to him. This is what he needed. He needed you to be with him one last time. Give him advice, one last time. Say you loved him, one last time.
He folded up the letter, putting it back in the envelope before grabbing his cell phone from the table.
“Hey Nat. Yes. I know. Don’t worry, I’m coming back home. I found what I was looking for.” Steve said into the phone, before hanging up and re-packing his duffle bag.
“You are the reason Y/N. That I am still breathing. I’ll fix what I’ve broken, and you are the reason I’m able to.” Steve said to the vacant room before leaving. Knowing that you would hear him. Knowing you were proud of him.
He could finally say goodbye.
“There goes my heart beating. Cause you are the reason, I’m losing my sleep, please come back now. There goes my mind racing. And you are the reason, that I’m still breathing. I’m hopeless now.