Chapter Text
There was a night they decided to spend in Pittsburgh at Jon’s apartment. Lin had been back in New York for a while, but Jon had been busy filming every day. He hadn’t had any sort of time off and Lin had been focusing on his family, on being back in town with his parents and some projects in Puerto Rico. As soon as Jon had mentioned that he had two days off, Lin booked a flight.
Jon was currently lying on his couch, staring up at the ceiling as if it would provide him any answer at all as to how he was supposed to act when Lin showed up. They’d seen each other a few times since that night in New York, but it had mostly been in passing. Both of them had been even more extraordinarily busy than usual, which worked out exceedingly well for two people who were looking to ignore a certain situation.
But now they’d put themselves right back into that situation. It made his stomach clench, thinking about the last time they’d done this. How much of a mess he’d been, how shocked he’d been at himself at his own reaction. How Lin was so unable to deal with him, had no idea where to start or what to do.
God, the ceiling had nothing for him but he couldn’t find it within himself to move from that spot. As long as he didn’t move he wouldn’t have to deal. At least not for another few hours.
-
He ended up walking to the store. The pavement was wet from the rain the night before and there was a sweet warmth specific to spring that hung in the air, even in the middle of the city. Near his corner were a few trees that had just exploded into white blossoms. He breathed them in with his head tilted up. If nothing would provide him answers, at least this would provide him some relief.
He bought a pack of ciders and a bottle of wine and walked under the white blossoms again on his way back home. The bottles looked ridiculous sitting there on the counter, they seemed to scream about his insecurities. They got tucked away on top of the fridge and music was turned on, volume up as far as he could push it to try and drown out his thoughts.
Singing and pacing and staring at the ceiling and the bottles of booze taunting him from his fridge took up the hours left before Lin arrived. He adamantly refused to check his phone until it was nearly time. God, he was almost there. He paced some more, turned the music down to a reasonable level and tried to act like he hadn’t been freaking out all day about seeing a friend. A friend.
There was a knock on the door.
As Jon’s anxiety spiked he counted out how many seconds it had been so when he opened the door it could be reasonably assumed that he hadn’t just been standing there waiting to do this exact thing. He made it to ten before he slowly walked to the door, took a breath, and deliberately unlocked each lock. He opened the door.
“Hey! Groff, I missed you,” Lin said and was immediately wrapping his arms around him. Then the door was closed and locked and it was just them. And the judgemental bottles on the fridge. Jon had no goddamn clue what to say now, what was expected now that they were alone for the first time since New York. But Lin wasn’t saying anything either so he had to say something.
“I bought booze,” is what he chose. He couldn’t help it, it had been taunting him all day. Best to get it out in the open. Lin grinned and moved to drop his bags down near the couch.
“I brought weed,” he says. Jon laughed.
“I’ve been a nervous fucking wreck today, I’m glad I’m not the only one who brought drugs to the party.” Jon wandered to the kitchen to lean against the counter. “I’ve been pacing all day, it’s terrible.”
“Imagine being on a plane for a couple hours! I wish I could’ve paced, Jesus,” Lin laughed.
They got quiet again. Lin was bouncing his leg and his eyes were flashing around the room, never landing on anything for too long. Jon steeled himself.
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Lin looked at him. “I just - don’t think I can do it? And I don’t want tonight to suck? And that would make it suck. So. Please.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t want tonight to suck, either. And I don’t know what else to say, anyway -”
Jon gave him a look that clearly said, I just said I don’t want to talk about it. Lin promptly shut up.
“Well, are you hungry? Should we order some food?” Lin asked.
-
Jon started drinking after they order the food, and Lin followed suit. Lin seemed content to follow Jon’s lead tonight, which is not exactly the position that he wanted to be in. But after his near anxiety-attack back in New York, Jon couldn’t blame him. He’d be wary of him, too, after that performance.
So, they drank. Jon told Lin to put on some music, and Jon packed a bowl, and things get looser. They both began to relax under the familiarity of the music that was playing and each other’s company. By the time the food gets there, they’ve smoked a bowl and it’s done its job. They’ve settled, like tonight won’t set the tone for how they’ll interact with one another in the future.
They’re both three drinks in by the time they finish eating, and Jon could feel his cheeks going red with the beginnings of inebriation. Jon opened the bottle of wine while he sat on the counter and looked on as Lin investigated his cabinets.
“I can’t believe how empty these are - it’s ridiculous! How can you have absolutely nothing sweet to eat? Not even Oreos?”
Jon’s head tipped back as he laughed, “There’s peanut butter! And some sweet potato chips.” Lin shot him a dirty look.
“I can’t believe you’re trying to force sweet potato chips on me like they count as something sweet. Unbelievable. Absolutely, entirely, completely -”
Jon shut him up by hopping off the counter and shoving the newly opened bottle of wine into his hands. “Drink.”
“To be clear, Cabernet does not count as something sweet,” he said before he took a swig. Jon hopped back up onto the counter and Lin followed suit beside him. They faced the window that sat over the kitchen sink. It was an achingly clear spring night, and the breeze filtered in from where Jon had the window cracked, propped up with a bit of wood the last tenant had left for the same purpose. The tiniest crescent moon was out tonight, making it’s way up into the sky. They passed the bottle back and forth, taking turns drinking and forgoing glasses entirely.
“I’m gonna be so drunk,” Jon said. “You gotta pay for a greasy breakfast in the morning.”
Lin laughed and knocked their shoulders together as a guise for inching closer.
“You even been out for a hangover breakfast in Pittsburgh, yet?” Lin asked.
Jon shrugged. “Not really. I’ve been really focused on work. It’s nice to have some demanding character work, again. It feels good to just work and have a break from the other parts of my life for a little while.”
Lin nodded and fiddled with the neck of the bottle. “Yeah, I guess nine minutes of stage-time isn’t super fulfilling.”
Jon hummed and said, “But that part of my life was fulfilling in other ways, you know?”
Lin handed him the bottle and slotted their fingers together with his other hand. Jon didn’t mention it, just drank, even though everywhere their skin touched felt like a live wire.
“That part of our lives seems so long ago now. But sometimes I feel like I did that night when it was snowing, on the way home from the bar, remember?” Jon nodded, he remembered. “Yeah, sometimes reality is so clear you could just fall right through and end up right back where you started.”
“Like waking up from a dream. One second you’re there and everything’s solid, and then everything is turned to smoke and paint and it all falls away.”
Jon picked up the bottle again. It was nearly finished, so he handed it back Lin’s way and watched him finish it off. The way his throat moved was mesmerizing. Truths felt like they were bubbling up in him, waiting to spill out. And this night couldn’t suck, not with Lin’s hand holding his.
“I feel like we’ve been going in circles for years, and now that we’ve broken the pattern I don’t know how to circle back again.”
Lin just looked at him with his lips parted for a moment. His lips pressed together before he answered, “Can’t figure out how to wake up from the dream.”
“Yeah. Don’t know if I want to.”
Jon felt like he was spinning and that maybe he had smoked more than he thought before he realized that Lin had pulled him up to twirl him around and that he had definitely smoked more than he thought. He laughed and got lost in the feeling of the world spinning around him just like the disappearing dream he’d described. The only solid thing in this moment was Lin, who caught his weight when they fell onto the floor of the living room in absolute hysterics, clutching their stomachs they were laughing so hard. When Jon saw that Lin couldn’t even force open his eyes he was laughing so hard, he started in on another wave of hysterics and tears started leaking from his eyes.
Time looped around them as they fed off of each other’s energies, finally settling down a while later. They were holding hands again, lying on the floor. Jon imagined what the view would be from above, how Lin’s short hair would be in a fluffy halo above his head. Thinking about his hair forced his thoughts back into the loop that ended in the last time they’d spent a night alone together. About what he himself had decided they shouldn’t talk about tonight.
“Hey,” he started anyway, “What was different about last time?” Jon was aware that somewhere in the background music was playing, some slow coffeeshop tune. He couldn’t catch any of the words, too busy anticipating what Lin might answer. He felt Lin shrug.
“It had been a long time. I just wanted to know. Before, it was always because of something in that moment. But last time it wasn’t what you were saying, it was just. I wanted to know and I could know so then I did know. You know?”
“You could know now,” Jon said before he could think about it any. Lin turned to look at him.
“Could I?” He sighed. “I don’t want to make you sad.”
“I’m so fucking high, and we drank so much. I couldn’t be sad right now if I wanted to,” Jon laughed. Lin laughed too and tugged him closer.
“You’re right, you’re a happy drunk.”
They laid close, arms and legs touching, for a long time. Stuck in the in-between, neither able to be the one to tip them over the edge. It was then that Jon’s brain tuned in to the lyrics still soaking the air around them.
You fill my lungs with sweetness, and you fill my head with you.
Jon wanted to roll his eyes at the cosmos, but he just nudged closer to Lin while the song croons, can I be close to you? Jon can, he can be closer.
“This is fulfilling,” Lin says out of nowhere. “Satisfying.” Jon hummed in agreement.
-
They got lost in the music for hours. When it was time they watched the sun come up as they sat on the floor of Jon’s living room, wrapped in a blanket. Lin had picked a new playlist to ensure the perfect songs accompanied the sunrise. Reality swirled around them like syrup. The first rays of daylight cracked open the cocoon of the soft grey night. There would be no falling through reality that morning.