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Jace paces back and forth across his bedroom, glaring at the book laying innocently on his bed like it had personally offended him. He had laid up reading it all night long, trying to find some loophole that made this sick feeling in his stomach leave him alone. He curses aloud softly and runs his hands through his hair, pulling slightly at the ends. The sky outside is darkening quickly and he needs to get his clothes on for the ceremony and stop torturing himself. They had decided to do this months ago, the parabatai ceremony. Alec is his best friend without question. He’s also his only friend, but that was another thing altogether. He keeps telling himself that’s the reason for these feelings he couldn’t explain or control. It is the reason his palms have started to sweat every time he’s around Alec, and also why he’s dropped the staff three times this week while sparring.
He didn’t realize what was happening until some boys had been visiting from the L.A. Institute two weeks ago. They were all tall, tan, and full of muscle over every inch of their bodies. They also tended to spar with their shirts off altogether, and that had been one hell of a distraction. Hodge had left them to spar amongst themselves while he had to train these visiting strangers. Jace had attempted to follow his orders by sparring with Isabelle, but that had proved to be a futile effort. He beat her without the slightest bit of effort since she was too busy looking over at their visitors. She kept smiling every time one of them glanced their way and was too distracted to be of any real competition. He wanted to whack her upside the head and ask her what had gotten into her when Alec stepped in and told Jace to just spar with him instead.
“Come on Jace, she’s too busy having a crush on those stupid boys to actually work.” He had rolled his eyes and snatched the blade from his sister’s hand, who for once didn’t even protest at being left out of something. They had spent the afternoon sparring pleasantly enough and it wasn’t until he was in bed that night that he had realized Izzy was the same amount of distracted that he was these days and that the cause was likely the same reason.
In short, he realized he was fucked.
“Hey,” Alec slips in his room easily with practiced ease, as they had been doing this for months. Being close friends and slipping through doors in late hours when they were supposed to be doing something else, normally sleeping.
“Hey Alec,” Jace says, the knowledge eating at him slowly like some kind of parasite. He thought about telling Alec nearly all the time, of this feeling that had taken residence in his heart and just wouldn’t leave. Then he has to think about what that would honestly help. He would hurt Alec by telling him and not becoming his parabatai, since anything not platonic would be absolutely forbidden. Chances are Alec would never feel the same way about him anyways, so the whole thing would be a moot point.
“Jace, are you okay?” Alec asks, his voice low and comforting the way it was after Jace woke up shaking and crying tears he couldn’t control. Alec had seen him at his lowest so many times and Jace trusted him with everything...just not this. “If you have any doubts about this….just tell me. This is as big as getting married. Well, in a way.” Jace glances up to see a bright blush on Alec’s cheeks and it melts his heart. “Jace, I know I’m not the best fighter yet. I’m improving and I’m practicing and I will live up to-”
“Stop, Alec, stop,” Jace says quietly with a hand on his arm. “I don’t have doubts. I am lucky to be your parabatai. The luckiest Shadowhunter in the world. I want to do this, absolutely.”
“Thanks Jace,’ Alec mumbles as his eyes lock on Jace’s hand on his arm. “I guess nerves got to me.”
“I’ll see you in there,” Jace tells him with an encouraging smile. “Tonight Maryse brought out all the stops for dinner. We can celebrate later and everything will be great. You could even stay over tonight in my room….if you wanted.”
“Yes,” Alec says without hesitation. What the hell was he thinking? Inviting Alec to his bed when he felt this way? Was he some kind of masochist? When the ceremony was complete there was no backing out and changing his mind. There would be no chances after this. Alec would have to be his friend and his brother with no other ties between them.
Jace didn’t kiss Alec that night, but he did bind his soul to him, and that would have to be enough.
~~
“Alright ladies and gentlemen, we are not yet done for the day,” Hodge’s voice booms across the the training room where Jace lays with Alec and Isabelle, trying to recover from the last set of burpees they had had to endure. He loved being a Shadowhunter, but training was always going to be a pain in the ass.
“Hodge, please, I’m going to die,” Isabelle begs with her large eyes peering up at their tutor.
“When you can successfully outrun a demon for six miles you’ll thank me,” Hodge says wryly as he helps her to her feet once again. Jace doesn’t know if he’s this tired all on his own or if he is feeling some of it from Alec, who looks far more exhausted than his sister but he hasn’t said a word in complaint. He strips his shirt off and Jace feels his eyes lingering, no matter how much he wishes they wouldn’t . Alec was gorgeous with firm muscle all over his body bulking up by the day.
“While I train our miss here on her birthday present why don’t you two go back to some basics with hand to hand combat?” Hodge suggests as Isabelle immediately lights up and runs to the cupboard on the far side of the room where her new whip is held safely in its velvet box.
“Yes sir,” Alec says obediently as he trudges to the open space used for sparring.
“Can you at least admit to me you’re tired so I don’t feel like an idiot?” Jace hisses to him as he walks closely behind him.
“You can’t feel it? I’m surprised,” Alec says with a smirk in Jace’s direction. “We’ve run four miles today on top of every other torture Hodge can think of. Not to mention we were up until two last night. Of course I’m fucking exhausted.”
“You’re sick,” Jace says suddenly, realizing why he feels so off today without a real cause. “Your throat hurts and yoru body aches. You’re sick. Why didn’t you tell Hodge? I wondered why you weren’t miles ahead of me during laps today.”
“Shut up,” Alec says lowly, even though Hodge wasn’t anywhere near them. “It’s just a cold. I’ll be fine. This whole you reading my emotions thing is annoying.”
“Not like I’m good at it,” Jace sighs as he takes his place across the circle from Alec. “You ready for this? I’ll go easy on your sickly ass.”
“Sick or not I can still whoop your ass,” Alec says confidently and if he smirked one more time Jacee was going to have to kill him, or himself. Alec silently counted down and then they were going at it with everything they had. Jace lived for the sparring and the physical, tangible way of touching Alec as much as he wanted without needing an excuse of any kind. He loved the way he cound anticipate Alec’s moves as easily as his parabatai anticipated his. They were the only two that could truly challenge one another in this way. Jace had beaten Hodge soundly last week, and then promptly Alec had pinned him only moments later.
Over the last half an hour they were going at it Jace only pinned Alec once to the mat while Alec slammed him for the third time into the mat. Jace beat Alec at everything else, but hand to hand combat was his weakness. It was probably at least partly because Jace is incredibly distracted with Alec pressed against him like that. He looks up into Alec’s hazel eyes and for the millionth time thought about how beautiful he was. His eyes darted to Alec’s lips several times and that was when Jace realized they were actaully alone in the training room. He has no idea where Hodge had stolen Izzy off to, but the room was empty and Alec wasn’t moving from his position on top of him. His hand was on Jace’s chest while the other held both his wrists. Their legs and hips were pressed together snugly and he couldn’t stop looking at Alec’s full lips inches from his own. Alec is panting above him and Jace can feel his breath on his face and for some reason it was driving him crazy. They were both sweating profusely with Alec’s knee between his thighs and this position was actually quite ridiculous.
“You let me win,” Alec says lowly as he licks his lips a few times. Jace seriously wants to strangle him.
“I was distracted,” Jace replies, not even remotely lying. “I didn’t exactly let you win.”
“What the fuck could have distracted you?” Alec asks with a tiny smile. “We’re literally alone in a room full of mats.”
Damn Alec Lightwood and his gorgeous….everything.
“My shoulder is starting to ache,” Jace replies instead of answering, feeling the twinge start to matter. Alec seems to come back to himself and lets him up. His parabatai still sits close enough to touch as they catch their breath. Jace hates him and hates how his heart won’t stop racing since Alec is so close still and he can smell him so vividly, his aftershave permanently etched in his brain as the best smell in the world.
“You okay?” Alec asks, likely getting mixed emotions through their bond and Jace never thought about how annoying it would be to have someone have an open book to his emotions.
“I’m good,” Jace says. It isn’t the full truth, but he can’t say it’s exactly a lie either. He is good as long as Alec is next to him, but the torture lies in that he can never be as close as Jace wants him to be. “Do we dare go shower? I don’ t know if I can do anything else today.”
“Pretty sure Izzy charmed him to let her out of training, so I”m gonna say let’s go for it.” Alec reaches a hand out to help him up and once again they end up with their faces inchest apart. Jace’s lips ache from how much he wants to kiss Alec in this moment. He wants to feel Alec’s heart beating under his hands and feel his breath on his face for an entirely different reason.
He doesn’t kiss Alec in the training room, even if his body is aching with the effort of holding back. He doesn’t , but by the Angel does he want to.
~~
Five years go by and Jace wishes he could say his feelings were under control, but instead they grew by leaps and bounds. They were eighteen and their lives were crazy. Alec barely spoke to anyone these days, including him. He had saved a mundane girl, turned Shadowhunter, and for some reason Alec wouldn’t even speak to him beyond their duties and during hunts. Clary was spunky, fun, and fed his reckless side but she wasn’t Alec. She didn’t bring him the peace he needed in his life. Now that Valentine had reared his head all over again his nightmares were back once again. He woke up alone and instead of someone coaxing him back to sleep he now went out to train before anyone else was up. Alec always arrived shortly after he did, no doubt feeling him through the rune, but he never said a word to him about it.
“Why are you sitting here cleaning blades with me?” Clary asks one night as they sit in the weapons room cleaning arrows and seraph blades. Jace doesn’t let Clary touch Alec’s bow or his arrows as he cleans them meticulously, like somehow that would make their rift smaller. “Isn’t this grunt work? You’re the elite around here.”
“Nothing wrong with going back to the basics,” Jace says dully, hoping the rhythmic motions of cleaning will help his mind clear. “Plus, you might do it wrong.”
“Did Alec send you in here to watch me clean things? Seriously?” Clary asks with outrage in her voice. “Does he really think I’m that much of an idiot? I can’t believe you two share a soul. At least you’re decent to me.”
“Watch your mouth” Jace warns, voice low and menacing. He only ever lost patience with Clary when she spoke poorly of Alec, and it happened more and more often the more awful his parabatai was to her.
“Alec hates me,” Clary pouts, looking like a spoiled toddler in the moment and Jace could scarcely grasp just how much she had left to learn.
“Alec hates everyone right now.” Jace responds. “If he’s barely talking to me, then he isn’t talking to anyone else.”
“Just because he’s emotionally stunted and doesn’t know how to deal with a crush,” Clary scoffs as she sets another blade carefully where it belongs.
“Alec doesn’t have a crush,” Jace says dismissively as he carefully finishes the last of his brother’s arrows and places them exactly where Alec likes them.
“Wait, you don’t know?” Clary sounds impatient and her green eyes were fixed on him and wide in shock. “You share a bond through your soul and you don’t know he’s in love with you?”
Jace sits there reeling, his head a complete mess and his heartbeat pounding in his ears. She wasn’t right, couldn’t be. There was no way she could know something that intricate about his parabatai when he didn’t. Alec didn’t love him, couldn’t love him. He made this oath with Alec to tie their souls together because he would never feel that way. It was the only way he lived with himself the last six years every time he’s in Alec’s arms and never wants to let go. The love he felt for Alec was destroying him slowly, and in a fucked up way that’s how he knew it was actually real. It was the way Valentine taught him. If it was something that destroyed you in a way you thought you would die, well that was love.
“Alec doesn’t like men,” Jace says and only by careful self control did he control his hands from shaking as he finished up the last blades. “You shouldn’t talk about stuff like that around here. That’s dangerous with how the Clave is.”
“He may not like men, but he does like you.” Clary says confidently as she tossed the towel to the side and stood up. “That’s why he’s been so moody probably. You’re spending a lot of time with me. SInce you assume he likes girls, I’m sure he assumes the same about you.” She goes back to her rooms with a wave and a goodnight, hardly knowing that she had turned his world around.
The next day Jace convinces himself to just tell Alec how he feels. That maybe telling him will end this rift between them. They can both stop being jealous of things that don’t exist. He joins his brother and Izzy in the training room and before he can say a word Lydia Bramwell appears and they are announcing their marriage. Jace once again is left with his heart breaking as he tries to read Alec as easily as he once had. He can’t of course because they haven’t really spoken in days and everything is off with them and mostly awful.
“You were supposed to tell them no,” Izzy snaps at their brother before turning away and stalking off. Jace has no idea what slips between his numb lips before he follows her. They end up in her room and he pulls his knees up to his chest on her bed.
“He is such an idiot,” Izzy rants with hands on her slender hips, walking between the bed and the window.
“What did you mean? Who was he supposed to say no to?” Jace asks her, and is impressed that his voice stays so even when inside he is a falling apart mess. If Clary just didn’t say anything last night he would have coped with this, but now the doubt in his mind won’t leave his heart alone.
“Mom and Dad want him to marry someone the Clave has a high opinion of so we can keep the Institute in the family,” Izzy says in a heavy voice. “He is an idiot and going along with their stupid plans.”
“He…” Jace clears his throat which causes Isabelle to give him a look. “He might like her Iz. She’s beautiful and smart and good at her job. They seem to be friends.”
“Except she’s the fucking wrong gender,’ Izzy says with a roll of her eyes. Jace’s heart stops for the third time in the last twenty-four hours and there’s no way that can be healthy. That was the second person to say that Alec didn’t like girls, without even the slightest hesitation. He may not trust Clary’s opinion of Alec, but he did trust Izzy.
“I need to go,” Jace mutters as he darted out of her bedroom. Isabelle was too angry to really even notice his hasty exit. He walks quickly through the halls he calls home and tries to lock away the part of his brain screaming at him to go find Alec and tell him already. Tell him the things he’s kept in his heart for six years. Tell him that he can’t live without him, and that it has nothing to do with the rune on his hip. He went to his usual spot to brood and he found Alec already there. They did freakishly share a brain sometimes.
Jace wanted to kiss him so bad….but not like this.
Not with Alec looking like the world is on his shoulders and has beaten him until he’s given up completely. He knows that nobody except their totalitarian mother approved of this engagement and that Alec craves approval from others like air, even when he certainly never needs it. Jace walks closer slowly and Alec’s bright hazel eyes caught his own and Jace quickly sat next to him and pulled him into a hug. Alec isn’t crying, and maybe that makes it worse somehow. This wasn’t fair, and if he didn’t like women then this marriage would do nothing but torture him the rest of his life.
“You don’t have to do this,” Jace whispers him as he strokes his hair gently, away from any prying eyes of the Institute. “But if you do, then I will treat her like she’s the love of your life. I’m here for you Alec, no matter what.”
“Thank you Jace,” Alec says hoarsely as he hangs onto him tightly. “I have to do this for the Institute, for our family. If we lose the Institute we lose the only home we’ve ever known. I’m not going to let that happen.”
“Do you love her?” Jace asks, if only to torture himself a bit more. He knows this won’t do anything except hurt him either way the cookie crumbles. If Alec says yes then it will feel like a stab to his already tender heart, and if Alec says no then it will feel like drowning in water so thick he can hardly move.
“No,” Alec says with his eyes closed and his lower lip between his teeth. Jace rubs his back and hopes he can do something to make this not so torturous.
“If you decide to do something for yourself this time, I”m here for that too.” Jace hates how much he loves Alec’s muscles under his hands and he had started dreaming of bare skin under his hands and those runes under his tongue, tracing intricate patterns into his skin. He bites his own lip harshly and forces his mind to forget those late night fantasies. He couldn’t kiss Alec until he was sure. Until they both were absolutely sure this was what they wanted.
~~
Jace keeps himself busy the morning of Alec’s wedding to Lydia by making sure everything was getting done and he was everywhere but where Alec was. He didn’t know how he was about to feel watching Alec on that altar with someone else, but he really didn’t want to find out until it was happening and hopefully the sight of Maryse and Robert would help keep him the fuck together. He was avoiding Izzy as well, in case she had learned to read him as well as she read Alec. Nobody knew his feelings, and he would do his best to keep it that way. The one thing Valentine had taught him to a fault was how to hide his feelings from everyone else.
Before he knew it Alec was in front of him standing by the altar and Jace was straightening the lapels of his jacket somewhat unnecessarily. The crowd was already gathered and even though they had made up from their feud last night, Jace feels like things are off with his parabatai. .
“Alright, you ready for this?” Jace asks as he hides his shaking hands behind his back. Alec is getting married today and then that will be the end of chances. He will be a married man and if Jace were to do anything it would not only break his parabatai bonds and oaths, they would break marriage ones as well. He feels a knot in his stomach and it aches like nothing he’s ever felt before.
“As ready as I’m gonna be.” Alec replies, looking a bit nervous but nothing like the torture Jace was going through. Alec may like men, but that didn’t mean he felt anything for a man in particular. He tries to smile, but it falls a tad short. “I’m glad you’re here with me.”
“Wouldn’t be anywhere else.” Jace squeezes his arms for a second before letting go and taking his dutiful place behind his parabatai to wait for his bride to show up. He feels absolutely sick to his stomach as he watches this unfold in front of him. He feels tears spring to his eyes and he hopes everyone will just take it that he’s so happy for his parabatai on the biggest day of his life.
Then, Magnus Bane bursts in the room just as the rune to finalize everything is about to be placed on Alec by Lydia’s delicate hand.
Jace wishes that he would have been the one Alec was grabbing and kissing like that. It’s a kiss that looks full of unspoken passion and longing. It lasts what feels like an eternity as Jace is fixed to the spot. He wonders what he ever did to deserve this form of torture.
He didn’t kiss Alec, and Magnus Bane beat him to it.
~~~
Life is not destined to be kind to him it would seem as months fly by and the only thing that happens is getting kidnapped by Valentine and tortured for a few months. He’s grateful he has been banished from the Institute, but not so grateful he’s wound up staying with Magnus. He has no idea what has been happening between the warlock and his parabatai the last few months, but he wasn’t ready to find out.
Jace slowly sits up from bed and grits his teeth against the pain that radiated from his ribs that have so far been the slowest to heal. He was mostly just exhausted all of the time and if he ever ventured out of this room he laid on the couch to watch a movie with Magnus. He didn’t want to like Magnus, he really didn’t. For all he knew Alec was in love with him and they were close to the marriage step themselves. Shadowhunters fell fast and normally for good. He was about to hobble out since he hears Magnus in the kitchen when he hears a knock on the door. It was probably some client and Jace was not in the mood to deal with strangers He pauses with a hand on the doorjamb and the other on the knob to see if whoever had come was here to stay.
“Magnus,” Alec’s voice was piercing to him and Jace felt a flash of joy through his rune and his knees were threatening to buckle. It would seem that the kiss at the wedding had lasted all these weeks and now Alec was here at his loft. He didn’t pay close attention to their words, but he listened to the tones of their voices and wanted to die. They both sounded so damn happy and warm towards one another as they talked quietly in the direction of the couches. Once the voices stop Jace lets himself flop back on the bed and tries to ignore the pain in his heart and throbbing through his body. The pain won’t let up and he rolls carefully on his side to bury his face in the plush pillows and lets the tears finally come that he never wants to let fall. He cries for the way his heart keeps being broken over and over again. He cries because of the pain he can’t escape asleep or awake. He cries for the confusion and pain of the last few weeks that won’t stop assaulting him. For the first time since he’d been a child he lets himself sob openly where nobody would hear him.
He’s crying so hard that he doesn’t hear the door open or the quiet footsteps of the warlock over to his bed. He doesn’t hear Alec at the door, asking if he’s alright or Magnus telling him to give him space. Jace only notices he isn’t alone when Magnus touches his shoulder gently. He flinches away from the soft touch at first before relaxing a bit even though his cheeks heat up.
“I brought you something for pain,” Magnus says softly as he hands him a vial of a purple potion that Jace vaguely recognizes as what he’s been taking the last few days. He takes it with a shaking hand and downs it in one gulp, trying to keep a straight face at the awful taste. Magnus swings his feet up on the bed and reclines against the pillows.
“What are you doing?” Jace asks in confusion. “Alec is waiting for you out there.”
“Actually he’s here to see you,” Magnus corrects him mildly as he clicks his fingers to make a television appear at the foot of the bed, rising from the dresser effortlessly. “I told him you needed some space for a while. He’ll come back in the morning.”
“He isn’t living here yet?” Jace asks with a touch of bitterness as he curls into himself. He really wants to be alone so he can feel this pain and have it be over with. He feels the sobs wanting to rise again as he thinks about Alec living here with the warlock. Kissing him and loving him and showing him the smile he had only ever shown himself and Izzy in the past.
“Why would he be living here?” Magnus asks with his brows furrowing and confusion on his face. “Blondie, what do you think is between your brother and I?”
“He’s in love with you.” Jace tries not to choke on the words, but the tears were still pressing and they slipped down his nose as he ducked his head and tried to make them stop before Magnus saw how weak he was.
“Oh Jace,” Magnus says softly and the sheets rustle as he lays a hand on Jace’s bare back and guides him to lay down. Jace isn’t strong enough yet to fight him off but he lets out a whine as Magnus shuffles closer and puts his arms around him. He likes Magnus well enough, but only Alec had ever held him. Only Alec had ever seen him cry. He wants to tell Magnus to tell Alec to come back, but at the same time he isn’t ready to see Alec yet. He doesn’t know how to be around Alec yet, when thoughts of him were the only thing keeping him sane on Valentine’s torture ship. Magnus is rubbing his back softly and it all felt so wrong that all he wanted was Alec, but he couldn’t very well tell Alec what was causing his sobs and he hated lying to his parabatai. “Jace, darling, I’m not dating your brother.”
“What?” Jace hiccuped softly as he was trying to stop crying, honestly he was. His body just didn’t want to cooperate. The medicine always worked quickly to make him quite out of it and his body quickly relaxed into Magnus’s warmth.
“I’m not dating your brother,’ Magnus says again, but it didn’t make any more sense than the first time he said it.
“You kissed himi at the wedding. You.. you two like each other?” Jace says, though he wasn’t so sure this time.
“I did kiss him,” Magnus agrees, seemingly happier now that he was calm and laying against him. “That doesn’t mean we’re in love. Alexander is a surprisngly good actor.” Jace felt his own face contort in confusion. “Jace, your brother and I became friends months ago, good friends rather quickly. I am attracted to your brother, but he only has eyes for you. It was quickly obvious that he was crazy about you and that’s what the memory demon told him as well. He was confused and upset, but never attracted to me. I couldn’t let him marry Lydia like that when he didn’t love her. I showed up to stop the wedding, without much of a plan in mind if I’m being honest. Your brother took it from there and kissed me quite thoroughly. You’re a lucky man Mr. Herondale.”
“Alec loves me?” Jace mumbles as the medicine was taking over his will to stay awake and participate in this conversation fully. “He really loves me?”
“He really does,” Magnus agrees as he turns on the TV, but didn’t move from holding Jace close. Unfortunate Jace slips into sleep before he can think too much on that conversation.
~~
Jace hasn’t brought himself to talk to Alec still, even after he knows how Alec feels. The fact that he returns his feelings is great, truly great. There was still so many things to consider before they got a happily ever after. There was the parabatai part of it which made it forbidden, and the fact that the Clave was not as progressive as they all may be. Nobody would accept it and it would be an uphill battle from the very start. Magnus keeps giving him disapproving looks for not so much as talking to Alec yet after weeks since they had spoken in the guest bedroom. They were back to business as usual at the Institute, and Jace lets himself be comforted by routine.
He never expects to see Alec up on the roof about to jump off.
He knows Alec has been hurting and confused thanks to the rune on his hip, but not to this extent. Not enough to end his life. Magnus told them it was all only due to a spell, but Jace didn’t believe it for a second as he sees Alec sitting on the floor crying and hiding his face in his hands with Magnus sitting at his side. Jace feels unbelievable guilt as Magnus dismisses his sister, Clary, and his mother easily by saying Alec was having some emotional reaction to the spell. Jace finds he can’t move, not with Alec in this state.
“Shh, darling, you’re okay,’ Magnus says soothingly and Jace wonders how the hell he is so good at that. How can be be better at comforting Alec than he is? Alec was the other half of his soul and still Jace can’t find words to say.
“I can’t anymore Magnus,’ Alec sobs softly and the words break Jace’s heart further. “I can’t feel like this anymore. I can’t feel this for him.”
“You won’t forever,” Magnus promises him with a kiss to his head. Jace shifts awkwardly and the glare was unmatched by anything he’d seen before as Magnus looked over at him. “I thought I told everyone that Alec and I needed a moment alone.”
“I can’t leave,’ Jace says in a voice barely above a whisper as he hugs his arms around himself. “I can’t leave him like this. I... I want to talk to him.”
“Oh, now you want to talk to him?” Magnus asks scathingly, and it’s no less than what he absolutely deserves
“It’s okay,” Alec says. His face was now dry of tears but the look in his hazel eyes told Jace this was far from the first time Alec had cried over this. He bites at his lips and slowly walks forward so he can sit next to Alec against the low wall that Alec was standing on just a minute ago. “Magnus, it’s okay. Let me talk to Jace.”
“I’ll be right outside,’ Magnus squeezed his arm gently before gracefully and smoothly getting to his feet and leaving them alone on the roof. The silence is a heavy one as they sit for a minute and let the wind be the only noise between them.
“This isn’t about the spell,” Jace says quietly as he feels the ache through his bond worsen a little as they sit here. He has no idea if touching Alec will hurt or help in this situation. They had been avoiding this moment for over six years and now it was here. Jace has to just tell him how he feels, has to let him know that Alec isn’t alone in this. He needs to stop holding them both back from what they want.
“It isn’t,” Alec agrees quietly, his voice hitching on sobs still in his throat. “I… I haven’t been okay for a while.”
“I know,” Jace says quietly. He’s felt Alec’s anguish and decided to ignore it. It was easier than trying to confront all these feelings between them that neither of them asked to feel, but had attacked them relentlessly anyways. “I should have….well, I should have done something.”
“There’s nothing you can do,” Alec says miserably as he stares at his knees again. “I… I have to figure out how to live with this. I’m sorry that I feel like this. It isn’t right or normal and I know it’s forbidden. I can’t lose you, not like my father lost his parabatai-”
“Alec, come on, I”m not like your asshole of a father,’ Jace cut in and he stopped the barriers that they both put up to grip his arm and letting his hand trail down to Alec’s to squeeze it tightly. “I’m nothing like that and you’re never going to lose me. Not even if the rumors about me and Clary were true and I was madly in love with her.” They shared a grin at the ridiculous thought that Clary could be with him when she was so obsessed with their sister. “Alec… You’re my parabatai. You’re the most important person in the world to me. I. Alec, you’re not alone in this. You will never be alone, but you aren’t the only one who feels this way.”
“What?” Alec was staring at him with a blank expression and with tentative hope in his eyes. “Jace… do you know what you’re-”
“I’ve known for over six years,’ Jace says and his heart is pounding in his ears. He looks at Alec and instead of the nerves getting worse they slowly calmed. This was Alec, his best friend. This was the person he had come to trust with all his secrets and all his fears. Alec had never let him be alone, even when he deserved it. Magnus had told him weeks ago that Alec was in love with him and right now Jace has no idea what had taken him so long to just sit here and look at Alec exactly like this. Look at Alec the way he deserved to be looked at the rest of his life, as if he had hung the moon. “I’m in love with you Alexander Lightwood. I don’t care if it destroys me, but you would never do that.”
“I never would,’ Alec agrees as he places a hand on Jace’s cheek and the blonde can feel it trembling against his skin. “I love you Jace, i”m in love with you. I have been for what feels like forever.”
“I should have done this so fucking long ago,” Jace mumbles as he finally lets his lips crash on Alec’s like some kind of tidal wave. He kisses Alec like that boy has always deserved to be kissed. It’s rough and hurried and messy and somehow perfect. Alec smells like home and Jace can feel their hearts beat as one as one hand rests on the side of Alec’s neck and the other is on his waist.
He finally kisses Alec Lightwood, and nothing has ever felt so right.