Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Perry was cold. Again.

He shivered, rolled over, and pulled the blanket back. This was the third time in as many minutes that Heinz had stolen it.

It wouldn’t be so bad, he thought, if Heinz didn’t also keep the rest of the room only barely above freezing. And it wasn’t even winter yet.

Beside him, Heinz mumbled something in his sleep and rolled over, stealing the blanket again. He’d known the man was Evil, but this was something else.

Just because he had fur, that didn’t mean he didn’t also want a blanket.

But if he couldn’t have a blanket…

He gently tugged the stuffed toy out of Heinz’s arms and slid into the gap. Much better. Warm and cosy and most importantly not cold. And, if he listened closely, he could even hear Heinz’s heartbeat.

The best part was, he thought as he drifted off to sleep, that this was one blanket Heinz couldn’t steal.

Chapter Text

"You know, sometimes I forget you're not wearing pants," Heinz said, frowning at his nemesis.

Perry the Platypus, suave semiaquatic personification of unstoppable dynamic fury, top agent at the O.W.C.A., shrugged sheepishly. It wasn't his fault he couldn't find anything that fit his tail. Besides, it wasn't like anyone cared, he was a platypus and everyone knew platypuses didn't wear pants.

Especially Carl. Carl knew Perry didn't wear pants. That's why Carl had stopped providing them with his fancy black tie suits.

Heinz wasn't finished. "I suppose it must be hard with your tail and all... How about I make you some?"

It was a generous offer, from the man who mere hours ago had tried to destroy all the socks in the Tri-State Area because one had a hole in it. Regardless, Perry shook his head.

"I'll even leave off the self-destruct button?"

Perry made a show of considering this, then shook his head again. No pants.

Heinz sank down to his knees, clasping his hands out in front of him. "Come on, even just underwear? You looked so good in those the other week."

Was that what this was about? Perry raised an eyebrow, folding his arms. If Heinz wanted him to dress up for the evening, he was going to need to come out and say so. None of this pussyfooting around.

"Come on, Perry the Platypus," Heinz whined. "You could really pull off the skinny jeans look. And then I could pull them off you, what do you say?"

Perry sighed internally. Blatant innuendos, his one weakness. He couldn't say no to that.

...Especially with Heinz making that face. His other one weakness.

Looked like he was going to end up in pants after all. But not for long, if Heinz made good on his promise. Either way, it was going to be an interesting night.

Chapter Text

Heinz and Vanessa are going off to play a board game (Kleptocracy)
Perry’s just changed back and is… not feeling too great
shaking and such
“Perry the Platypus! A-are you okay?”
and then

clinging
Heinz clinging to Perry because he’s worried, part of him remembers almost losing Perry
Perry not wanting to lose /his/ rock

but, uh. the clinging didn’t start immediately
because Perry punched Heinz in the face
being all “you fucking idiot, how could you”
(and also lashing out, from being in pain, because he’s not doing too well)

and Heinz is really apologetic
probably trying to feign ignorance of what happened so as not to freak out Vanessa
but he’s really sorry for what happened to Perry
and won’t let him go without making sure he’s alright
because it’s his fault
and he’s
so
sorry

and Perry
he can’t go back to his family like this
not when he’s shaking and terrified and hurting
so he seeks refuge (eventually) in the arms of his best friend slash nemesis
who caused the whole clusterfuck but who also rescued him in the helicopter
it’s a confusing mix of feelings
but Heinz is
there
and holding him

he feels like he’s drowning, he doesn’t know which way is up
and Heinz is the only solid presence he can find
he clings to Heinz like a someone in an ocean clings to a lifesaver

he holds onto Heinz, pressing himself closer
until the only thing he’s aware of is the sound of Heinz’s heartbeat, the feel of his chest moving
Heinz is his whole world, right then
and he stays like that until he can breathe again
until he can get his shaking under control
until the world stops spinning around him

and Heinz is still sorry
he’s holding Perry close
stroking his fur
mumbling to himself
hating himself for everything

for hurting Vanessa
(he’s so glad Vanessa doesn’t remember)
for hurting Perry
(he doesn’t know how to fix this, he just knows that he needs to know Perry’s alright)

he wonders if Perry will want anything to do with him, after
(of course he will, they both need each other too much)
he’d understand if he didn’t
he wouldn’t want to know himself either
(oh, Heinz)

and Vanessa
she doesn’t know how to help
she doesn’t want to intrude
she brought out a blanket though
wrapped it around them
Heinz still hasn’t moved from where he crouched down to pick Perry up

Vanessa doesn’t know what to do
she makes tea though
(it’s barely drinkable. they don’t care.)
she digs out Kleptocracy

everything’s so fragile
like it could all shatter

Vanessa gets them moving
sets up the game

Heinz is still holding Perry tight
so tight
like he’s the only thing keeping Perry together
(he’s right)

and Perry
opens his eyes
finally
and he feels safe now
he’s safe

he looks into Heinz’s eyes
they’re both crying
neither of them noticed until now

Heinz smiles
gently
brokenly

Perry smiles back
just as gently
just as broken
but just as hopeful

and then Heinz turns back to Vanessa
thanks her for the tea, for being there
(she doesn’t seem to remember changing)
(he can’t bear to remind her)
(he’s so sorry)

so they play Kleptocracy for the next few hours
the three of them
and Norm

and everything will be
alright

they’ll be alright

Chapter Text

The first snowfall was always the best, Perry knew. Not just because the boys took it as an opportunity to dig out the winter gloves and hats and blueprints, but also because this year his nemesis had promised to build a snowman with him.

He could only hope it wasn't the same meaning of "build" that the boys used. One giant walking snowman was enough for the day, thank you very much. Still, he was excited.

But when Heinz finally shuffled out, bundled in three different misshapen sweaters, Perry decided sitting in front of the fire was just as good.

Chapter Text

Ah, Perry the Platypus... You're trapped! Under the mistletoe! And you know what that means, don't you?

Don't look at me like that, it's not my fault you waited here for me.

You did! You could have moved out of the way but you didn't, it's like you wanted to be trapped.

Ugh, there you go rolling your eyes again. I'm right and you know it. Now pucker up.

Why do you always have to make this so difficult? Now people are staring. And by "staring" I mean- Wait, what are you-

...Where did you learn to kiss like that?

Chapter Text

Night had fallen while the nemeses had fought for control over the remote, casting its shadow over the balcony. The moon was barely a sliver of light, and mostly hidden behind the clouds, and they were both exhausted.

That was probably why he said it.

Struggling over the remote, mouth running on autopilot, tired enough for his filter to fail. "You're so annoying, Perry the Platypus, I don't know why I love you. Now give it!"

At this, Perry stopped, giving Heinz the opportunity to snatch the remote out of his paws. A success, albeit a slight one. And yet, he didn't push the button. Not immediately.

"As soon as I push this button, all the loose change in the Tri-State Area will come to me!" Heinz gloated, so Perry would have ample time to stop him.

Except, he didn't.

The still night air wrapped around the both of them, like a new quilt that hadn't learned the shape of their bodies yet, cold and unfamiliar. For a moment, nothing moved.

Heinz lowered his hands, finally noticing the expression on his nemesis's face. "Was it something I said? Because whatever it was, you know I don't mean it. I never know what I'm going to say before I say it, you should know that by now!"

This was the wrong thing to say, if Perry's reaction was anything to go by. The platypus's mouth twisted, tears welling up in his eyes that he had to blink away, and he pointed at Heinz's chest.

The meaning was clear. Why.

The answer was less so. Why had Heinz said it? He didn't know. Deep down, he was scared to find out.

Not that he had much choice, if he wanted to salvage anything. And he only had one shot. One opportunity. One nemesis, and wasn't that why he did any of this?

Taking a deep breath, he began to speak.

It didn't come out all at once. Heinz, not used to unplanned emotional outpourings, stopped and started and backtracked, until finally...

"I love you," he admitted, closing his eyes in fear of what he would see. "There, I said it. Happy now?"

His fears were unfounded.

Perry, far from reacting with disgust - or worse, leaving - nodded like his suspicions were confirmed. He'd thought the idea was odd, at first, but over the last few months it had become clear just how much Heinz cared for him.

And now... it was all out in the open, impossible to deny.

What was he supposed to do? What were either of them supposed to do? Keep fighting and pretend everything was normal? Or, and this was the terrifying option, talk about it?

But really, there was only one thing Perry could do. He stepped forward, tugged the remote out of Heinz's hand, and replaced it with his paw.

The clouds parted, moonlight hitting them just as Heinz opened his eyes.

"This doesn't have to change anything, you know," he said, squeezing Perry's paw tighter anyway.

Perry shrugged. He knew. And yet, if it did, would that really be so bad?

Chapter Text

Things never go according to plan. You know that. But it never stops the sudden shock of gut-clenching fear every time something goes terribly, catastrophically wrong.

He's in the water. He'd tripped over his inator and fallen off the skiff and you know he can't swim, you know there's no one else around to save him but even if there were it still wouldn't matter because you're already diving in after him.

The ocean's cold, and you'd be thankful for your watertight fur if you weren't painfully aware of how much water his clothing can hold, how heavy it must be right now.

You can't hear him yelling for help now, over the sound of the waves and your own heartbeat, and that terrifies you. If he's under the water, if he's drowning... You close your eyes and dive, pressing your hat to your head.

Thankfully, once you're underwater you can feel the disturbance from his frantic kicking in your bill, and you move towards it. You're not too late.

Just as you reach him, he goes under, the ocean pulling him down. You can't let that happen. You can't let him slip away from you, not now. So you swim up behind him, wrapping your arms around his narrow chest.

He panics, air slipping out of him as he lets out a silent scream, but you hold him tight and kick for the surface. It's hard, he fights you every step of the way, but someone has to save him and that someone is you. Saving him is what you do.

At last, at last, you reach the surface. He's still struggling against you but that's fine, he's alive and that's what matters. A few kicks to the ribs and he's coughing up water, finally calming down as he breathes actual air.

Alive.

The sky's still clear but the jet skiff is gone, and you activate the emergency beacon on your watch. When you get back you'll have to send OWCA's R&D a gift basket for the one-handed activation feature, but for now all you can do is wait for rescue, kicking your feet so you can keep his head above water.

He's leaning against you now like he's too exhausted to do more than breathe. You're thankful he can do even that much. If he was gone... You have no idea what you'd do with yourself.

But he's not gone, he's here with you, he'll live to scheme another day. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon. And you'll be there to thwart him.

For that, you'd save him again and again.

Chapter Text

Perry stared.

"Do you like it?" Doctor D said, doing a little twirl. "I'm Santa!" And indeed he was, dressed from head to toe in red and white. "And why, you ask?"

The answer was obvious. Evil.

But of course, Doctor D couldn't leave his rhetorical question unanswered. "Do you know those mall Santas? Ugh, I hate them so much. They're all so jolly. What are they hiding? So I'm going to find out, and then I will harness its power for evil-"

That's when Perry tackled him to the floor. Thwarting evil, one bad Santa scheme at a time.

Chapter Text

It was a quiet day, or at least as quiet as it ever got at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. Which meant it wasn't quiet at all, with the sounds of mechanical engineering coming from the top floor.

Inside the large laboratory, one Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz was leaning over a small round object, soldering some wires in place with a modified blowtorch. His robot son assistant, Norm, hung streamers across the ceiling.

After a few minutes, Heinz set down the blowtorch. "I hope Perry the Platypus likes this," he said, poking at the insides of the machine with a long finger. Norm didn't answer. He didn't need to. They both knew what he would say, and it was... less than positive. But Heinz, eternal optimist that he is, continued on anyway, screwing a panel on over the wiring. "He probably will, he liked that vase I got him-"

That was when a small device on the wall nearby chose to beep.

Heinz sat up straight. "He's here! Norm, how's the cake going?"

Norm extended an arm into the kitchen, retrieving a thoroughly-decorated teal cake. "All done, sir!"

Alas, Heinz wasn't looking, to Norm's eternal disappointment. He'd picked up the round object and moved to answer the door, avoiding the scattered traps with the ease of long practice. He opened the door right as his nemesis raised a foot to kick it down.

"Happy birthday, Perry the Platypus!" Heinz said brightly, presenting the object.

It was not, in fact, Perry the Platypus's birthday. Not even close.

Perry took the object, turning it over in his tiny paws, carefully avoiding the obvious self-destruct button. It was about the size of his head and shaped like a human skull, although obviously mechanical in nature. He, unsurprisingly, had less use for a skull-shaped inator than he did for a vase, as he happened to be an actual teal platypus. And a housepet.

Finding appropriate gifts had never been one of Heinz's strengths. In fairness, this was mostly from lack of experience.

Heinz shoved his hands in his pockets in a completely unsubtle attempt to feign casualness that fooled absolutely no one, least of all Perry the Platypus. "So? What do you think?"

During his investigation, Perry's finger brushed over a small button, unbeknownst to him, and music blared out of a hidden speaker. To his credit, he didn't jump... much. Plus his well-honed secret agent reflexes let him hold onto it rather than it falling to the ground.

When he'd recovered from the shock, Perry realised he recognised the song. And the voice singing it.

"He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action," Heinz's voice crooned from the skull.

It was, alas, not the first time Perry had been faced with the idea that his nemesis knew the words to his theme song.

Heinz laughed nervously, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I thought it would be, you know, nice? Hold on, let me pause that for you-" He leaned down and tapped a seemingly arbitrary point on the side of the skull, shutting off the song. "-where was I? I heard it was your birthday, the O.W.C.A. puts out a newsletter and it was on there and I just happened to sign up to it the first time I quit Evil, remember that, Perry the Platypus?"

Perry did, in fact, remember. More than that, he also remembered the time the O.W.C.A. had tried to celebrate his birthday on the wrong day entirely, which coincidentally was exactly one year earlier.

Rather than saying any of this, he rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Don't look at me like that, Perry the Platypus, at least I tried! Come on in, I've got cake," Heinz said, shooing Perry inside. "You like cake, right? Of course you do. I don't have a scheme today, or, well, I do but it's your birthday party- I'm completely off on the date, aren't I?"

Perry shrugged, allowing himself a small smile. It wouldn't be Heinz without the misdirected enthusiasm.

"But hey, you get a present and some cake, that's gotta count for something, right?"

It counted for a lot, actually. Perry had never been able to participate in his own birthday parties properly before, so he couldn't help but appreciate the effort Heinz had gone to. Even if he couldn't quite trust the results. Mostly out of habit, now.

Heinz, of course, completely lived up to that mistrust by trapping him as soon as he walked in the door.

Even so, neither of them would change a thing, if given the choice.

Chapter Text

Despite your claims, your greatest fear isn't anything as trivial as vending machines taking over. Nothing that simple or easily-packaged.

Your inator... well, you'd called it the Worst Fear-inator, but really it called upon irrational phobias. After all, you don't want to hurt your nemesis. Well. You do, but in a slapstick kind of way, not probing into his secrets.

Whatever Perry the Platypus is scared of... It has to be bad. That, and your greatest fear is him leaving.

The aching loneliness of a scheme well-thwarted is bad enough- That's when a cute teal paw rests on your hand.

Despite what it says on your new business cards, you're not wholly fearless. The things that terrify you are few and far between, but they exist. You've had to face them more often than you're comfortable with already.

So when he'd fired his Worst Fear-inator, you'd been prepared for something much worse than... Nothing.

Or the vending machines. He'd screamed, you'd had to save him, but you know your nemesis. You know his greatest fear.

That's why you're here. Heinz sits slumped in an armchair, staring into the distance, hand within easy reach. What can you do, but reach out?

Chapter Text

"Fuck mornings," you mutter as your watch vibrates an alert, then freeze. Since when could you talk? Out loud, like a human.

Except you don't have time to muse on it because your watch vibrates again, insistently.

After glancing around to make sure the boys didn't hear you, because you are not going to be responsible for them learning new words, you slip down to your base through the bookshelf entrance.

Habit keeps you silent during your briefing, but your mission's another matter entirely.

"For fuck's sake," you growl, having walked into yet another rope trap. Does he have a kink for this or something?

With a scandalised gasp, he spins around to face you. "Language, Perry the Platypus!"

Seriously? You stare at him, stone-faced. Just because you can speak now doesn't mean you need to, especially when a well-placed glare works just as well.

He breaks the stare first, ceding you the victory. "I bet you're wondering why you can suddenly talk-"

"Nope," you say, shrugging off the ropes. Then you fight him.

It's not long before he lies on the floor, defeated. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus," he groans.

You touch your hat in a salute. "Anytime, Heinz."

Chapter Text

At long last, after weeks of searching, your quest is over. You've found it! The rare Callistemon lanceolatus (except, as it turns out, it's now called Melaleuca citrina instead. You'd run into a few dead ends before figuring that one out), with many supposed properties, although you're only interested in one.

Either way, you've found one. And for a good price, too!

One trip back to Danville later...

"Happy Valentine's Day, Perry the Platypus," you say, kissing him on the cheek. "I brought you some flowers~"

The smile they bring to his face is exactly the property you were after.

Chapter Text

Perry sighed. He should have known. Only Heinz could decide that booping him somehow counted as Evil. Ridiculously adorable.

Speaking of, the man showed no sign of stopping. "Isn't this so Evil?" Heinz teased, booping Perry on the nose again.

And, no matter what any evil scientists may claim afterwards, Perry did not squeak. It wasn't in his nature as a professional - or, in fact, at all. No, he was a stone cold agent.

Completely uncaring of this, Heinz tugged on the rope trap, pulling Perry close enough to place a light kiss on the tip of his bill. Right where his fingertip had been only a few moments earlier.

Perry definitely didn't squeak at that. Or grab onto Heinz's shirt to pull him into a proper kiss.

Pulling Heinz out through the window, though, he'd acknowledge that any day. After all, what else was a nemesis for?

Chapter Text

The sight of Perry the Platypus jumping at him was a familiar sight for one Heinz Doofenshmirtz. He'd fought the platypus many times since they'd become nemeses, which felt a lifetime ago. Lost every time, of course.

It was worth it, to spend time with the one person who was always there for him.

Today, Perry the Platypus wasn't looking for a fight. His paws were outstretched rather than curled in a fist, and how could Heinz refuse that?

He spun around as he caught his nemesis, blushing when Perry the Platypus kissed his cheek.

"Curse you, Perry the Platypus."

Fingers twisted tight in Heinz's lab coat, Perry the Platypus chirred, leaning back to stare into Heinz's eyes with a self-satisfied smirk. The message was clear: this was a competition, and one Perry was not going to lose.

Neither of them would have it any other way.

Perry the Platypus was the first to move, pressing his mouth against the man's in a soft kiss, saying more in the simple gesture than any words could.

Taken by surprise, it was all Heinz could do to respond, hands coming up to hold the platypus close.

They were both winners this day.

Chapter Text

You'll never get tired of how comfortable he looks, nestled in your arms. Your adorable nemesis.

He yawns, churring adorably as he snuggles just that little bit closer, not taking his eyes off the movie you're both watching. Well, he's watching. You're too distracted, running your fingers through his soft fur.

On a whim, you press your lips to the tip of his kissable bill.

A squeak and he shoves at you with his little paw. But he can't fool you, not with that shy smile of his. He likes it.

You grin. "Aw, Perry the Platypus, are you embarrassed?"

Chapter Text

concept: Perry slipping his paw into Heinz’s hand casually, while they’re curled up together or something

doesn’t make a fuss

Heinz barely even notices at first, not until Perry’s found some odd imperfection and started studying his hand, turning it over and running his fingers over the skin

he can barely even tell it’s titanium, but if he looks close enough…

and Heinz is all “oh no what if he hates it” because he’ll never not be insecure and Perry’s looking really hard at his hand

finding all the little tells that reveal its origin, and he’s kinda accepted that Perry cares about him but he doesn’t know if that extends to the replacement arms

his fingers twitch and Perry glances up at him

kisses his knuckle

twines their fingers together, leaning into him, comfortable and content

Chapter Text

His hands shook. His whole body shook, nerves getting the best of him. How could he ever be worthy of this, of the way his nemesis stared at him, soft eyes and soft smile and soft paws around his face.

Torn between running (like he'd always run) and leaning in (as if he could ever deserve this gentleness), he stayed and he shook.

"F-frankly I don't deserve you, Perry the Platypus."

The words escaped before he could stop them, from a deep, dark, aching place in his heart. Words he'd long accepted as truth.

Perry the Platypus kissed him anyway.

Chapter Text

Every Thursday night, Perry joined his nemesis for their regular movie night, just the two of them. That was how it always went. Lights out, bowl of popcorn, two nemeses spending some quality time together.

This week, driving home from DEI, he made a decision: Never again would he let Heinz talk him into watching a horror movie together. He'd been certified Fearless, not much got to him, but.

The problem was Heinz.

Unlike Perry, Heinz was scared of horror movies. That would be fine, he'd expected this, except that Heinz wouldn't hold his hand so what was the point?

Chapter Text

Perry the Platypus lay on the floor. Normally this would be accompanied by a rush of adrenaline and him getting right back up, or a bare head and belly scritches. Not wrists pinned over his head and his nemesis's hot breath against his bill.

"You've escaped every other trap I've set, Perry the Platypus," the man said in a hoarse whisper, eyebrows furrowed into a glare that could rival Perry's own. Fumbling in his pocket, he pulled out a small box. "Let's see you try to escape this: the bonds of matrimony. How about it?"

How could he say no?

Chapter Text

"Do you have any idea where we are?" Heinz groused, for what Perry swore was at least the eighth time that hour alone. "I'm hungry, and cold, and tired, and hungry. Lunch was hours ago!"

Lucky him, Perry didn't get lunch. One meal per day, that was it.

Heinz sighed, a loud, put-upon sigh Perry had learned to tune out. "How do you not have a map, somewhere in that fancy fedora of yours? Who goes hiking without a map?"

Rolling his eyes, Perry gestured.

"Me, lead? No, no, you're doing a great job, you do it. I'm fine here."

Chapter Text

Job done, Agent P turned and walked out the door, to his nemesis's familiar parting scream.

Moments later, Perry the Platypus, his off-duty fedora firmly placed upon his head, stood back at the open doorway and knocked. Why shouldn't he spend a relaxing afternoon with his best friend? The fact he considered his nemesis to be his best friend had led to something of a crisis, as a devoted agent, one he'd had to come to terms with via the two distinct fedoras.

And thus, it was only now, away from the demands of his job, that he could rest.

Chapter Text

As soon as his nemesis had unveiled his latest scheme, Perry had known he'd be getting a lot of use out of it. A compass that always pointed at a specific person.

Himself, in this case, but there was sure to be a way to adapt it to his own needs. Having a way to locate his nemesis would soothe a lot of the odd concern that had come to lurk in the back of his mind.

But first, he had to thwart his nemesis. Heinz couldn't know where he lived. His job, and his family, were on the line.

Chapter Text

Placing himself between Heinz and the drivers side door, Perry shook his head. There was no way he was letting Heinz drive. Not again. Never again.

"Aw, come on," Heinz pleaded, "it's my truck. I should be the one driving."

Despite Perry's continued blocking, he made for the door anyway, using his considerable height advantage to step over the platypus.

However, Perry was ready for this and spun around, slamming his tail into the back of his best frienemesis's knee.

Groaning, Heinz gave in. "Fine, you win. I don't know how you'll reach, but..."

Smirking, Perry winked. He had ways.

Chapter Text

You don't dare let yourself think about the ache in your heart until you're slinking back to your lair that night, your boys asleep in their beds. The only time you can put aside the masks you wear. And you do, because you can't repress your feelings forever.

Moments of internal crisis are rarely far away in your line of work, most of the time regarding everything you wish you could share with your family. But this, this, is different. This is about your nemesis.

Throwing yourself into your chair, you lean back with a sigh, wiping your paws down your face. So much happened today, and you still don't know what to make of it.

He'd replaced you. With a panda. Without so much as telling you.

Of course you took it hard. Thwarting him is familiar, a routine you'd thought you could rely on, and he'd thrown it all away. And you'd been one last bit of paperwork away from quitting.

But you didn't. He'd called, you heard him out, you took him back. And the more you think about why, the more everything falls into place.

You, Perry the Platypus, are in love with your nemesis.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

He's asleep.

Sure, you've seen him sleeping before, this isn't something new. He's curled up on your couch, his little chest rising and falling, looking nothing like the suave secret agent you know he is.

Holding your breath, you reach out. His fur looks so soft and fluffy, and you've always wondered what it would feel like when you're not fighting him...

Right as your fingers brush against his fur, he opens one eye, staring at you. He's awake?

"I can explain," you try-

He rolls onto his side, taking your hand and pulling it to...

Oh. It is soft.

Chapter Text

"You're... really going, then?" he asks as you pull on your jetpack, and you stop. Wait. His voice is finally steady again, after his scheme, but he's still not-

Ask me to stay, you chirr at him, tightening your grip on the jetpack's straps so your paws don't shake.

Looking away, he rubs at his elbow. "Can you repeat that? I mean I heard you, don't get me wrong, I just want to make sure I'm not getting my hopes up for-"

You cut him off with another growl, eyes closed, anchored in place. Ask me to stay, and I will. That's all there is to it. All he has to do is ask, and you'll drop everything to do it. You can't imagine anything else, not any more, not for him.

"Ah," he says. "You did mean... Well, since you're offering... Can you, you know, stay today?"

Sagging with relief at the words, you drop your jetpack to the ground with a thud. Your report can wait. Holding your paws out, you step towards him, taking his hands. The only thing that matters right now is that your nemesis - that Heinz - needs you here, so here you shall be.

Chapter Text

Perry the Platypus could do a great many things. Refusing his nemesis was not one of them.

Even when it probably should have been.

-Apr 9, 2019

Who would have thought Perry the Platypus would have such a nice smile? Definitely not Heinz.

Those warm eyes, too. Not a look he was used to.

And his cute little hands, tucked into Heinz's own...

This, truly, was-

"Unexpected."

-Apr 9, 2019

Sometimes, Heinz worried about his hands. They were mechanical, artificial, not proper flesh and blood. Sure, to the untrained eye they passed as such, but he still knew.

Perry the Platypus would take his hand, then. And, just for a moment, Heinz could forget.

-Apr 22, 2019

"You know, Perry the Platypus, I've been thinking. When we get married, who's going to change their name? 'Heinz the Platypus' has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

What do you mean, I'm forgetting something?

Oh! Right! Perry the Platypus, will you marry me?"

-Jul 18, 2019

"Thwart me, Perry the Platypus. Thwart me for the rest of our lives."

Perry nodded, taking his nemesis's hand in his own. Of course he would.

Later, he'd file the paperwork with OWCA. A formally bonded nemesisship was as good as marriage for the likes of them.

-Dec 17, 2019

Time and time again, their hands would fold together, without either of them needing to think about it.

"Stay with me," Heinz would whisper, every time.

And Perry did.

-Jan 11, 2020

Sometimes, Perry mused, his nemesis was a genius.

Most of the time, however, this was the same man who wired self-destruct buttons to everything, whether it needed one or not. Things that, invariably, exploded.

Ah well. Love was as blind as his nemesis was dumb.

-Feb 14, 2020

Standing up straight had never come easily to Heinz. Instead, he slouched to make himself smaller, to take up less space, to apologise for existing.

Now, though, he had another reason:

As short as Perry was, Heinz could always reach his cute little hand.

Jan 9, 2022

Chapter Text

"When a blast from this baby hits Roger," your nemesis proclaims, brandishing his inator with a glance at you to make sure you're following, "he'll have to tell everyone exactly how he feels about them. After all, he can't be as nice as he looks-"

And that's when you tackle him to the ground.

Which, of course, he protests, loudly, struggling against your grip on his wrists. "Can't you let me win one time? Seriously, I have to come up with a new inator for you every day, and you always end up destroying it. But not this time. If you won't let me blast him, then how about I blast you?" And he does, catching you right in the face. "How do you like that, Perry the Platypus?"

Growling, you jump at him again, slamming your face into his face... and your bill into his lips.

He freezes, giving you a chance to snatch his inator and press the usual self-destruct button. Once that's done, you turn, heading home-

"Perry the Platypus?" he croaks, the sound enough to make you stop in your tracks. "Was that... did you mean to kiss me, or were you just trying to thwart me again?"

Kiss? You turn back to him, studying his face for any hint of another trap. Or, if you're honest, to stare at his trembling lip, stepping forward to... lift his head in your paws and kiss him? Again, you remind yourself.

Did you mean it? The thought's never crossed your mind before, but now that you're looking...

His eyes widen. "Is this because of my inator? Or... I mean, this could be a trick, you pretending you're interested- You're not?" he checks, and you shake your head in confirmation. "No, you're right, it's not your style. You're rather straightforward, actually. Why bother getting my hopes up when you could just thwart me normally?"

Getting his hopes up? You've known something was up for a while, he's called you cute often enough, you just hadn't realised...

"The point is," he continues, "you want to kiss me? Is that what this is?"

Yes, you suppose, it is.