Chapter Text
This is the right thing to do.
They're all wrong.
This is the right thing to do.
They're all wrong.
That's the mantra I tell myself as I walk through the parted crowd in my flowing white gown, striding down the aisle in a quick but steady pace; the aisle is lined with fae, including the High Lords and Ladies, gathered to celebrate my marriage. The crowd whispers gossip about me behind their hands as I stroll through them and I hear everything they're saying; each word cuts like a knife.
Marriage. Is that really what this is? Can this be described as marriage? The union of a male and female, most of the time out of love.
Most of the time.
I look up the aisle towards my groom, studying his profile and the look on his face. My hands smooth across the bodice of my gown, straightening out the wrinkles and fingering the satin. I don't like this dress; the skirt is bigger than a pond, trailing at least five feet behind me. It's embellished with embroidery of white roses and hearts. I hate it.
This isn't the dress I imagined. This isn't the wedding I imagined.
I cast a quick glance over to my twin brother, Aedon, and he stares at me with steady but devastated violet eyes. I squeeze my eyes closed, hoping that this is just another dream - another nightmare - that I can wake up from, but when I open my eyes I'm still walking down the aisle. I'm still heading towards something that I'm not sure I want.
Then I'm there. I'm standing in front of the groom and my father is reluctantly unlinking his arm from mine. And my hand is slipping into my groom's hand.
I look into his eyes and I don't know what to do. Could I possibly call this off? Now? Now that everybody is here? What would happen if I did?
He searches my eyes with curiosity, not concern. Why am I marrying someone who shows no concern for me when I'm obviously in turmoil?
Then the priestess is talking, speaking about love and duty and how the two can come hand-in-hand. But can they? This is my duty, not my love.
I glance over to my parents and see that neither of them are smiling; they know what I'm giving up, what I'm sacrificing. Aedon keeps his mouth closed though I can see that he's bursting to object, to deny that this wedding should ever be able to take place. And Keiran, my big brother, my protector, his eyes are lined with a silvery wetness. I don't want that. I don't want to see Kieran cry.
It's our turn to recite the vows.
He goes first, spouting vows about equality between partners and honor and - I feel like I can't breathe.
It's my turn now and I don't even know if I remember the vows. I wish I had written them down. Why didn't I write them down?
I bite my lip as I look at my groom again, seeing his yearning for my answering vows, but is it yearning for me or for my power? I look at my parents, my family, if I do this I can help them. I can save the lives of countless innocents. My people deserve their lives and I can't - My eyes catch the gaze of the one person I didn't think I'd see here and I know my answer -
-----
My eyes fly open as I sit up straight in my canopy bed, gasping for breath as I leave the dream world behind. "What the hell?" I yell as I look around, trying to shake myself awake and away from my reoccuring nightmare.
Noctis, my pet wolf, sits up, cocking her head and whining at my abrupt behavior. I reach forward and pet her silky, black head.
"Don't worry, girl." I continue to stroke her fur as I whisper, "I'm fine," though I'm not sure I am.
Aedon's head pops into my room, his golden brown hair shines as the sun from my windows hits it. "You okay in here?"
I sigh and reach up to run my hands through my dark hair. "Yes." I answer immediately before sighing and admitting, "No, not really."
Aedon's violet eyes narrow. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I shrug and let my hands drop to my lap. "I've been having this same dream for a while. But it doesn't feel like a dream. It feels so real, like a vision, except I can never remember the faces." I say as I look down at my lap. If only I could remember the faces of the groom and the other . . . person, the person that either made me start my vows or quit them altogether.
Aedon walks in, gently closing the door behind him, and sits down next to me, placing a large hand on my shoulder and squeezing it. "Aunt Elain is the only Seer in the family. You're probably just having a weird dream because you're obsessing over something."
I start to shake my head but I decide to let it rest, arguing with my brother isn't going to change the dreams. "You're probably right." I mutter and he nods, squeezes my shoulder once more, and walks out, leaving me to wonder if maybe I'm going crazy.
But no. I know that these dreams mean something, I just don't know what.
-----
After brushing all the knots out of my wavy hair, I pull it back into a tight fishtail braid, happy to get the unruly tendrils out of my face. I pull on comfy pants and traditional Night Court top that shows the barest minimum of my stomach.
I glance out my window, remembering that it is winter and wearing a top like this is bound to give a normal person a bit of a chill, but I'm not normal; my fire will keep me warm. Besides, I like to wear shirts like these to show off the Illyrian tattoos that trail from my right shoulder down my arm like the sleeve of a shirt, ending right below my wrist.
I received the tattoos after completing the Blood Rite last year. I was one of the youngest ever to complete it. It seemed relatively easy to me, but I also didn't have to worry about anyone. I hadn't made many friends during my few years with the Illyrians, even though I rose in the ranks too quickly to not be well-respected, and Aedon hadn't wanted to be trained in the Illyrian's ways. He claims that fighting isn't his strong suit and he's better suited to books. I believe him.
My father bursts into my room, knocking me out of my thoughts, and says, "Good morning, Stell, how are you today?" I start to answer when he blurts, "Good, now let's get busy."
"Dad." He starts talking about a few problems around the Court that I should be really concerned about - and on any other day I would be, but not today - and I decide to try again, "Dad!"
His head swivels up startled, "What?"
"Today's my day off, remember?" I ask hopefully, not willing to give up a day in the sun for a day of reading accounts and writing records.
His brow furrows before he nods. "Right. Sorry, I forgot. I've been so busy lately." He shakes his head before smiling at me. "Go have fun, little star."
I nod, "Thanks, Papa. If you need any help, please don't hesitate to call me back here." I say as I look him over and see that his usually groomed hair is in a disarray on top of his head and his clothes are wrinkled and unbuttoned in weird places.
"Don't you worry about it, I'll ask your mother for help. Or your brother; Aedon and I haven't spent enough time together in the past few weeks." He says before winnowing out in a cloud of darkness.
I shake my head at how stressed he is. The Illyrians have been causing a little trouble due to me being named Heir to the Night Court, but I know that it's the Court of Nightmares that has him worried; we tried to let them rule themselves completely after the war with Hybern, but they proved themselves incapable, wreaking havoc on towns and villages surrounding them. We're trying to get them back under our control, but they don't seem to be as terrified of my father as they used to be.
I start to winnow to my father's study to help him but I only get one day off a week and I intend to use it so I winnow to the Rainbow instead. The darkness gathers around me and then suddenly disappears as I appear on the colored stones of the Rainbow, breathing in the salty sea air that blows through the city from the sea.
My eyes immediately find a set of musicians starting to set up for a performance. I back up a few steps until my back hits a wall behind me and I wrap my arms across my abdomen, making myself comfortable as I prepare to watch the performance.
Their songs are fun and cute with upbeat percussion and string solos until they switch to a different type of song. A sad song. The strings become softer and slower and the percussion dies to almost nothing. The words are different too, not so fun, more serious. More lovesick.
I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you
I'd wait here forever just to, to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you
The singer has a lovely rasp in her voice that seems to make her voice sound even more heartbroken, even more destroyed, and it seems to bind me into a spell as the percussion picks up again.
I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment, you know
As I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go
I'm stuck in a daze as this song plays on, something about it has me enraptured, until a deep voice from my side says, "Hey, honey, aren't you a pretty little thing?"
Someone whistles, snapping me out of my daze to find two guys on either side of me, sizing me up with a glint in their eyes that instantly makes me bristle with anger.
"Why don't you go find a dog to whistle at?" I ask in a less-than-nice tone and turn back to the music, pretending not to notice when they step closer.
One steps so close that when he leans down his breath hits my ear as he whispers, "Now why would we want to do that when you're so much prettier than any dog?"
Rage burns in me and I think about setting him on fire and watching his skin melt off his face until there's nothing but bones and ash left, but then I start to smell smoke and see the darkness swirling around my feet. I quickly force myself to recover from the spell my powers were about to put me under.
I look at him, carefully assessing everything about this guy who clearly wants his ass kicked. "You want to leave. Right now." I command him with all the authority I've learned as the heir to the Night Court. I would use my daemati abilities on him but I promised myself I would never do that unless it was life or death, and this is not.
It's just some dirt-bag trying to pick on someone he sees as an easy target.
His rough, calloused hand closes around my slim wrist. "Or what?"
His friend starts chuckling.
I set their clothes on fire.
Neither are laughing anymore.
"Or else I'll set the rest of you on fire." Their clothes aren't actually burning. Well, they are, but they aren't burning with heat that could kill a person.
Both guys throw off their clothes and look at me with wide eyes full of fear. "Devil-girl." They whisper before running off.
They must not have been from around here, otherwise they would know better than to try and hit on the High Lord's daughter. Maybe they were Autumn Court, most Autumn Court citizens are lacking in manners.
I hear someone speaking next to me but I don't start paying attention until I hear my name. I look to my side to see my oldest friend, Felix, staring at me with a furrowed brow. "I'm sorry what did you say?" I ask, not entirely sure I heard him right.
"I asked what was going on." His midnight blue eyes sparkle with concern.
I exhale a breath of relief. "Just listening to these guys, they're pretty good."
Felix's face shifts from concern to a slight smile. "Well, I guess you are okay if you're judging musicians, though I'm not entirely sure setting people's clothes on fire is something completely stable people do."
I let out a little giggle and roll my eyes at him. "You saw that, huh?" I ask with a proud little smirk.
He chuckles, smiling widely. "That was the best. I was about to intervene and then you set them on fire." He shakes his head in amusement. "It was perfect."
"You were going to intervene?" I ask with a sly smile.
He shrugs. "Of course, you're my best friend. And those guys were pushing their limits." He says it casually though his husky voice comes out a little strained making me wonder if that's all; sometimes I really wish I wasn't so moral otherwise I would definitely use my daemati abilities to get inside his head.
"Were they?" I ask with a hint of mischief in my tone. "What if I wanted them to push their limits?"
He barely glances at me before saying, "But you didn't, I could tell."
"How?" I ask with a raised brow.
His hand raises and his pointer finger lightly strokes down the space between my brows. "Because you get little crinkles here whenever you're angry or annoyed."
I snatch his finger, hoping to bite it teasingly, but he steals it back and shakes his head at me and my nonsense.
We both turn back to the musicians as they start to play a more upbeat tune that I recognize as an old Spring Court ditty; Lena, Kieran's mate, sometimes sings it whenever she visits. Felix's eyes are completely on the musicians, though I stealthily study him out of the corner of my eye; no matter how many times I see him, I can never stop from feeling in awe.
A lesser fae, Felix has silver skin instead of a normal skin tone, from far back it even looks like he has scales due to a few places where the silver runs in darker streaks. His hair is a shock of unruly black curls, he tries to keep it short to keep the curls contained but it doesn't help much. His father was an Illyrian, gifting him Illyrian wings; he typically keeps those tucked away, not wanting anyone to see them. His father also gave him his physique which allows him to tower over me; the top of my head barely hits the bottom of his chin, even though I'm considered tall for the average female.
His lips curve into a slight smirk, allowing me to see his glistening teeth, as he whispers, "You're staring again. Didn't your parents ever tell you that staring is rude?"
I bite my lip before turning my eyes fully on the musicians and shrugging. "I don't think I am."
I can practically feel his eyes rolling as he says, "Sure, whatever," in a voice that oozes sarcasm.
I elbow him in the side and say, "I wasn't staring, I was admiring."
He huffs. "Admiring."
My eyes immediately roll. "Yes, admiring. You are very awe-inspiring."
He doesn't say anything, but I know he doubts that; it's something I've learned about him after over ten years of friendship. He'll doubt anything positive that someone says about him, even if that someone is his best friend.
I open my mouth to say something when he beats me to it, "Isn't your birthday in a few days? Why aren't your mom and the Morrigan sending out invitations?"
I shrug, submitting to the change of conversation, "I have no idea. They haven't even talked to me or Aedon about the party yet." Which is completely unusual. Last year they invited everyone in Prythian, now they aren't even acknowledging it.
He shrugs casually. "Maybe they're planning a surprise party. Either way, I better get an invitation. I got you the perfect gift."
My lips twist into a small smile. "You know you will always be on my invite list," I say and add, "and that you don't have to get me a gift."
"I like to though." He shrugs. "You're my friend, I have to repay you for that somehow."
I shake my head and wrap my arms around his waist. "You repay that by being my friend in return."
He starts to hug me back before releasing me and nodding towards a few people whose fingers are pointed towards us and whose hushed whispers convey that they are practicing the archaic art of gossip.
I roll my eyes. "So what? Everybody in Velaris knows we're friends and that we've been friends for years. I mean, we used to have sleepovers and now we can't even hug."
He looks down at me with narrowed eyes and tight lips. "It's different now though, we're not little kids. You don't hear what they say."
"I don't care what they say." I mutter. "I'll hug my best friend if I want to."
Felix shakes his head. "One of these days, you're going to realize - " He cuts himself off, but I understand what he was going to say. One of these days, you're going to realize that things are different.
Not likely, Felix. I don't say it, I don't say anything at all. Instead I stand and watch the band finish their song. Felix stands with me though I can feel his eyes on me instead of the band.
I turn to him to find him already staring at me. I almost don't say anything. I almost just stare. But I realize that that would make me look like a total weirdo so I inquire, "What did you get me? For my birthday, I mean."
Felix glances at me with raised eyebrows. "Ever heard of a surprise?"
"What if I don't like surprises?" I ask and take a step closer.
He leans down a bit and says, "You love surprises."
That's when Aedon walks up to us and says, "Hey, guys. What's up? Nothing? Great. By the way, Stella, Dad wants to speak to you. Immediately."
I sigh and turn back to Felix to apologize only to find him gone. "Great." I mutter before shrouding myself in darkness and winnowing to my dad's study.
The darkness clears away and I look around my father's study, noticing some of the books barely hanging on the shelves and a few cobwebs that he would normally take care of. My father sits at his desk, pouring over some wrinkled papers, but he looks up as I approach him.
"What's going on, Dad?" I ask as I walk around his desk to stand behind him and glance down at the papers.
He looks up at me with a sly smile though it's a bit lopsided. "What do you say to a little trip to the Court of Nightmares?"
Considering the nightmares I've been having, a trip to the Hewn City doesn't sound half as bad as usual. "If that's what needs to be done. When and why?"
My father sighs and slouches in his chair. "It's been a mess. The Illyrians are being a little rebellious but I can handle them. The Court of Nightmares though," He shakes his head, "they aren't afraid of me anymore. I need to go down there with a show of force and you need to go with me, show them you're not going to put up with their shit either."
I nod. "All right."
"We'll go tomorrow, spend the rest of your day doing what you want. Get some rest tonight though, you're going to need it."
"Of course, Dad." I lean down and kiss his forehead and he smiles.
"Thanks, little star."
I walk out of the room backwards. "How come you don't call Aedon 'little star'? We all know he would love to bask in the glory." I ask, trying to lift his mood.
My father smirks. "Ah, but Aedon doesn't twinkle as much as you do, little star." He winks as he continues, "Besides, I think the nickname 'little shit' suits him better."
-----
The cool night air hits my wings and sends an exhilarating rush up my spine as I sit on the roof of the House of Wind, watching the people in the streets as they go about their night. I hear soft footsteps behind me but I don't turn around. I just wait.
"You know, they say that Velaris is the most beautiful city in all of Prythian. I think maybe they should ask you just to be sure. You stare at it every night." Aedon says as he crouches down to take a seat next to me.
"Who's they?" I ask with a sly smirk of my own.
Aedon raises a brow before saying, "The ominous they that everyone talks about, of course."
"Of course." I mumble.
"Seriously though, why do you do it?" He asks with a furrowed brow as he stares down at the same thing I look at every night. "It's not like it ever looks any different."
"I don't know. Something about it soothes me." I shrug before lowering my eyes and adding, "It also terrifies me."
This has Aedon leaning forward. "It terrifies you?"
I look him in the eye, noticing all the little specks of blue in his violet eyes. "If everybody is right, and I am the heir, will the city still be so peaceful? Will I be able to keep our people unified?" I turn my gaze towards the city once again. "Or will I just ruin it like I do everything else?"
Aedon clasps his hand around mine. "You don't ruin everything. You'll be an amazing leader."
"I can't even keep my powers in control." I whisper, sending a searing glance towards my free hand. My magic is stronger than I can contain, especially the fire and the darkness. "I can't control it, how can I be expected to control a Court when I can't control myself." It's not a question, it's a self-deprecating statement. I've never been able to control my powers as well as my father or my mother or anyone else in my family.
Suddenly, a vision of my first training session with my father plays out in my mind.
"So, little star, which power comes easiest to you?" My father asks, staring down at me with those patient eyes that I've always adored.
I shrug with a pout as I look out the window, wishing to be outside as the sun bares down on my skin. I want to be fighting the other kids in the sparring circles at the Illyrian camp. I started training here a few days ago when I told my parents I wanted to be a warrior.
My father's kind eyes narrow and he suddenly becomes a stern teacher rather than an adoring father. "I'm trying to help you, Estelle. You need to let me teach you." He gazes down at me, pleading with me to work with him. "Now, which power comes easiest to you? Aside from any Night Court powers of course." Of course. Those always came easily to me. Too easily.
I hold out my hand and fire bursts from my palm.
My father nods as if he expected that.
"What does it feel like, little star?"
This time I actually don't have an answer. It feels like fire. Burning and searing, but there's no pain to it. It's not here to hurt me. It's here to protect me, to warm me. It's living and breathing. Growing. It's wild and untamed. Purely there by the strength of my will and my magic and -
I squeal and jump into my father's arms as I realize that I've set the rocking chair in the corner of my room on fire. My father holds me, gently, whispering against my ear that everything's going to be okay and that it's nothing to worry about.
We can always get a new chair.
When I calm down, I look over to find that the fire hasn't spread. It's just burnt the chair to ashes.
My father's gaze lingers on the ashes before saying, "You did well, little star. It will take some time before you can control it completely."
I nod, though I heard the strained tone in his voice.
Aedon breaks me out of my trance by pulling me towards him and into a hug. "Don't worry, I'll always be here to help you."
I sniffle a bit before saying, "Thanks, little brother."
He huffs. "You're only six minutes older than me."
I poke him in the side, feeling a great amount of joy when he jolts from it. "Yes, and that makes you my little brother."
"By six minutes!" He yells.
My laughter rings into the night, cutting through the sounds of music and happiness from the city below.