Archive of Our Own

When Ferus first went to war, he hadn't known what to expect.

He'd known it would be bad. Everyone had heard the stories of thousands of clones dying on the front lines. The Force grew darker every day. The Senate decided after a few months that the clone wars wouldn't be won with just clones, and so it had created an army from planets all over the Republic, including Bellassa. Ferus, having had some experience in war tactics, volunteered.

He'd been on missions before. Some of them good, some of them so terrible he wanted to forget them. He figured he could handle war.

But things were different now.

He had no lightsaber, for one. He had a blaster and some armour, which offered little protection. His connection to the Force was diminished as well- he could feel suffering, could feel the darkness around him, but he couldn't access the Force to do anything about it.

Most of the time, he didn't even want to.

Sometimes, he found himself missing his old Master. He hadn't even realized how much he'd relied on Siri's guidance and training during missions until he was on his own. Siri would have told him exactly what he was doing wrong, and how to do better. She would have improved on his mission tactics and raised the spirits of their forces. Not to mention, a lightsaber on their side wouldn't have been a bad asset.

Now, he didn't have Siri. He had a squadron of good men, Bellassans and clone troopers alike.

And he had Roan.

There were both benefits and downsides to having his partner fight beside him. The war had brought them closer. Ferus still didn't like the fact that Roan was out here at all, but he had to admit, Roan could handle himself. He was an excellent sniper, a good tactician and could hold his own in the heat of battle. There was a reason Roan had been promoted to Captain just thirteen months into the clone war.

He tried not to worry about him. But it was easier said than done. As much as he liked having Roan by his side, the fact remained that every day he risked losing the person he cared about most.

The doors to the war room opened. Ferus didn't look up from the holotable, where he was keeping track of their forces on Everon.

“For someone who just got a promotion, you look pretty down, Commander.”

Ferus's bleak mood lifted instantly. “Aren't you supposed to be helping with cleanup on the surface?” he asked.

Roan shook his head, but his eyes held humour as he walked around the holotable. “It's good to see you too.”

Something relaxed within Ferus. He hadn't seen Roan in five days- the General in command of the 307th Battalion had assigned him to the space battle above Everon, while Roan had taken a company to the planet below. It wasn't uncommon for them to be separated during a battle, but it never became any easier.

Roan came to a stop in front of him. Ferus gave him a once-over, and when he was satisfied that Roan wasn't injured, he reached out and grasped his upper arms. Roan mirrored him. It had become their special greeting after a long absence, and five days at war had felt a lot longer than that.

“I didn't think you'd be back for at least another day,” Ferus said.

“Neither did I, but I was given orders from Niyras. He told me to return to the Valour, so here I am.”

Ferus frowned. “A new mission?”

“I think you two will like this one,” General Ethen Niyras said, entering the war room. Ferus dropped his hands, but didn't step away. Niyras knew everything that went on in his ship. By now, he definitely knew the nature of their relationship, even if neither of them had told him anything.

“For some reason,” Roan said, “that's not encouraging.”

Ferus knew what he was thinking. The last time Niyras had said something to that effect, they had almost frozen to death on an icy backwater planet.

Niyras gave him a look. “Just... attempt to reserve judgment until you've heard what the General in charge of the mission has to say.” He pressed a button on the holotable and a hologram flickered into view.

“General Niyras,” greeted Luminara Unduli, and Ferus was unprepared for the wave of emotions that hit him upon hearing the voice of a Jedi.

The 307th Battalion was comprised almost entirely of Bellassan recruits, save for a few squads of clones. There was one clone commander, two clone captains, the rest of the commanding officers were Bellassans. Their General had grown up in Bellassa's capital. They'd never needed a Jedi to fill out their ranks, and most of their missions to date had taken place in the Outer Rim, where one could fight for years and never see a single Coruscant or Kamino-deployed battalion.

In a way, Ferus had been grateful. In the beginning, he prepared himself to face his past, to face the Jedi, but for a year, those mental preparations were needless. He'd let his guard down, and to see Master Unduli, even in holographic form, had thrown him off.

Roan shot him a confused look. Ferus took in the space between them and discovered that he had distanced himself from his partner without even meaning to.

With a chill, he realized that it had been force of habit. After all, Jedi did not form attachments.

It had been a very long time since he had felt like he was doing something wrong, something against the rules, simply by being with Roan. But it had also been a very long time since he had seen a Jedi.

Ferus himself was no longer a Jedi. But maybe his brain didn't know that as well as he thought it did.

Luminara explained her predicament- she and her forces were trapped in a neighbouring system under heavy enemy fire. The Separatists had introduced a new virus into their systems, rendering their walkers useless. Luminara needed both reinforcements and the best slicers the 307th had.

And that was how Ferus found himself heading to Bekkan to assist a Jedi General, wired, on edge and with a head full of memories.

His life had completely changed since he left the Jedi Order. Before, he had been stiff, awkward, always striving for perfection. Everyone liked him, but he hadn't had many true friends. It wasn't until he left the Jedi that he learned to relax, to make friends in a way that he never had before. He'd learned compassion.

He'd learned to love.

Ferus wondered what Luminara would think of that, if she knew.

“We'll be coming out of hyperspace soon,” Roan told him as Ferus entered the hanger. He nodded absently. Step one would be to break through the Separatist blockade. Then they would act as reinforcements for Luminara's forces near Bekkan's capital city and the real fun would begin.

“I've never met a Jedi before,” Roan continued, falling into step beside him, and that broke Ferus from his thoughts. He turned to raise an eyebrow at Roan.

“Well, actually...”

“If you still counted as a Jedi, we wouldn't be having this conversation,” Roan said, grinning. “You know what I meant.”

A comment like that might have stung a few years ago, but Ferus had made peace with his decision and Roan knew that. “It might be nice to have a lightsaber on our side for once,” he said. He often found himself wishing he had one of his own. A blaster was nice, but it wasn't a blaster he had trained with every day since he was old enough to walk.

Roan nodded. His expression shifted into something more serious. “And how do you feel about the Jedi that comes with that lightsaber?”

Ferus didn't know. He did not resent the Order, or what they stood for. He still remembered his time there fondly. But seeing a Jedi again had unbalanced him. How did he act around them, now that he wasn't one of them?

“Ask me again when the mission is over,” he told Roan.

Hesitation crossed Roan's face. It was an expression Ferus rarely associated with him. “Ferus, earlier, in the command center-”

There was a jerk as the Valour entered realspace, and the hangar seemed to explode into activity. Above them, the heavy doors began to slide open, the first wave of fighters rose into the air and squads slung gear over their shoulders, loading onto the gunships. An officer ran by them.

“Ready to depart, Captain!” he called to Roan. Roan shut his mouth and shot Ferus a rueful look.

“See you on the ground.”

The thing about war, Ferus reflected as he and Roan went their separate ways, was that there was rarely enough time to have the important conversations.

He tried to push the worries from his mind for now. There was work to do.

Ferus's first thought upon seeing Luminara Unduli in person was that she was shorter than he remembered.

He immediately revised that thought. She wasn't shorter. He had just grown from the Padawan of sixteen he'd been last time he saw her.

Something twisted in him as his gunship approached the fight on the Bekkan sands. He watched her lightsaber dance on the front lines, destroying droid after droid and instantly knew she was using Soresu, even though he hadn't seen that form in years.

Ferus had preferred Ataru, himself, but he'd always had an appreciation for Soresu.

He mentally shook himself as the gunship touched down. He raised his blaster and dove into the fight.

There was no time for talk until the waves of Separatist droids had been destroyed and they could plan their next move. The Separatist virus had rendered all of Luminara's walkers and heavy canons unusable. They had held out well using just blasters and resourcefulness, but the arrival of Niyras' forces and the gunships finally gave them an edge over the battle droids. It wasn't long until Bekkan's red desert sands were littered with droid parts.

“There will be more coming soon,” Ethen Niyras said grimly, checking for a pulse on one of the bodies in the sand. He pressed his lips together, then stood. “We don't have a lot of time.”

“Indeed,” Luminara said. Ferus and Niyras turned as the Jedi approached. She had been fighting for the better part of a rotation, but she hid her exhaustion well.

“General Unduli,” Niyras said. “Good to finally meet you.”

“You as well, General Niyras,” Luminara said. Her blue eyes were as kind as Ferus remembered, her tone as brisk and no-nonsense as it had been when he was an apprentice. He hadn't known her well, but they had met on occasion.

“You requested slicers, so I've brought my best men,” Niyras told her. “General, this is Commander Ferus Olin.”

He could see a flash of recognition in her eyes. She studied him, and Ferus suddenly realized that he had not missed the piercing gaze of a Jedi Master. At all.

Before, he would have called her Master. He would have bowed. Now, he awkwardly inclined his head. “General.”

Luminara's lips quirked. “Commander. You look well.”

Niyras glanced back and forth between the two of them, brow furrowing. Ferus had never disclosed his status as a former Jedi to his general. He hoped Luminara wouldn't force his hand on that issue now.

“The perimeter is secure,” Roan reported, coming up behind Ferus. “General Unduli, was it? I'm Captain Roan Lands.” He offered her a smile and quick salute. It was a cautious smile, but only Ferus would notice that.

“Captain Lands is my other slicer,” Niyras said. “Whatever you need done, they're the men for the job.”

“Good,” Luminara said. “Then let's begin.”

From what Ferus knew, Bekkan had two Separatist compounds, one in the capital city of Bol Anteros, and a tech facility underground in the deserts. In that facility, some of the Separatists' top geniuses had been working on viruses that would cripple the Republic's ships and weaponry. Some of them were already functional. The Separatists had used a data spike to introduce a virus into the targeting systems of Luminara's forces. The walkers then saw the other Republic forces as a threat and attempted to turn on each other. Luminara had been forced to destroy all their heavy machinery. Another blow like that and they would likely have to retreat.

Luminara brought up a hologram of the surrounding area. She pointed to a mark about fifteen kilometres away. “This is the tech facility We've done some recon- any attempt to bomb it will trigger an alarm that will automatically send the source code of the virus to every Separatist outpost within sixteen parsecs. This could potentially cripple our forces throughout the Outer Rim.”

“Not if we can infiltrate that facility and destroy the virus,” Ferus said. He was already thinking six steps ahead- if they could get into the facility and he could track down the source code, he could destroy it without tripping that alarm.

“Precisely why I require slicers for this mission,” Luminara said. “I will take a task force to infiltrate the facility. You and Captain Lands will destroy the virus, my men and I will plant the detonators and, when you're finished, destroy the facility. General Niyras, I'm counting on you and your forces to deal with the Separatist headquarters in Bol Anteros.”

Ferus could see Niyras running battle scenarios through his head. “We'll have control of the city by the time you blow up the tech lab,” he promised.

“Your ambition is admirable,” Luminara told him. “Alright. Let's get going.”

They took a gunship as close as they dared, then walked the remaining three kilometres to the location of the Separatist tech facility. Ferus felt out of place among the white armour around him, and a glance back at Roan told him that he felt the same way. They had worked with clones before, but there had always been Bellassans fighting beside them. Now it was just Ferus, Roan, and a squad of clones.

It wasn't just the clones that were contributing to those feelings. Ferus was unsure of how to act around Luminara Unduli. He was no longer a Padawan, he no longer needed to bow, to call her Master, to behave like a Jedi around her, and yet the teachings that had surrounded him since he was a baby were hard to let go of.

He was trying to act normal. But now, he wasn't quite sure what normal was.

Roan came up alongside him as they trudged across the hot red sand, brushing his long hair out of his face. Short hair was encouraged but not enforced, and the rebellious streak in Roan had kept him from cutting his hair after joining the army. He looked like he was regretting that decision now as Bekkan's suns beat down on them.

“If Niyras thinks this is an improvement from almost freezing to death, then I have some news for him.”

“The Separatists pick the nicest planets to set up shop on.” Ferus squinted ahead, but all that was visible was more sand. The horizon before them seemed to shimmer with waves of heat. “I think the only thing we haven't seen yet is acid rain.”

“Careful,” Roan said with a weary grin. “You'll jinx it.”

“At least the tech facility is underground. It'll be a lot cooler down there.”

Roan cast a despairing look around. “Right now, I'm too hot to see optimism in this situation.”

Ferus automatically opened his mouth to make a joke, then glanced ahead at Luminara and thought better of it. Something about the Jedi's presence had put him on his best behaviour.

“Ferus.” Roan's voice was careful, and he realized that he had been quiet for too long. “Is everything alright?”

Nothing was wrong, exactly. Ferus just wasn't sure that he could put what he was feeling into words Roan would understand.

He was saved from attempting to answer by Luminara holding a hand up. “We're almost there,” she called back quietly. “Be alert.”

Roan rested a hand on Ferus's shoulder, squeezing lightly. Usually, it was a comforting gesture. Usually, Roan's presence was one of the few things that kept him sane out in the midst of the war.

Today, Ferus couldn't help looking to see if Luminara had noticed. You're breaking the Code, a voice reminded him. What would she think?

I don't live by that code anymore.

His mind seemed to have forgotten that in the presence of a Jedi Master.

Roan must have noticed how tense he was. He followed Ferus's gaze to Luminara's figure up ahead and when Ferus looked back at him, he could almost see Roan connecting the dots.

His expression did something complicated. After a moment, he gave a tiny nod and withdrew.

Roan kept his distance after that. It didn't make Ferus feel any better.

Ferus had forgotten how useful it was to work with the Jedi. Luminara's senses helped them avoid the patrols. She told them where the ground sensors were so they could avoid tripping them, instructed Roan and Ferus to disable a silent alarm on a vent cover, half hidden by sand, then they simply broke in through the ventilation ducts.

It was a flaw with almost every Separatist facility, Ferus had noticed. For all their brilliance, they never stopped building their compounds with ducts big enough to travel through.

They dropped from the ducts and the clones began placing their bombs as they crept through the facility. The upper levels were crawling with droids, forcing them to hide in the shadows until the patrols had passed. If they were discovered on the top floors, it would be almost impossible to make it to the lower levels, but luck seemed to be on their side.

Ferus hacked a data terminal on the fourth floor, discovering a floor plan and confirming their suspicions that the main tech lab was on the lowest level. It made sense. It would be the most difficult level to reach.

“Well,” said one of the clones, as they walked through level two, “that wasn't too bad.”

“Stay alert,” Luminara cautioned. “This isn't over yet. We still need to take the main tech center.”

“Halt!”

Ferus turned at the electronic voice, cursing silently. A squad of droids rounded the corner, flanked by two droidekas. The droids didn't even give them a chance to halt. The droidekas settled in place, raised their shields and began firing, scattering the Republic forces.

Ferus ducked through the doorway of a supply closet, firing at the B1 droids and trying not to get shot by the droidekas. “Gree! Where are those EMP's?”

Luminara's commander ran forward, holding two spheres. “Archer!”

Another clone caught one of the EMP's, and the two of them threw them gently through the shields of the droidekas. The blast damaged them enough that their shields flickered out, but it also was loud enough to be heard two floors away. Ferus swallowed his frustration. The alarms hadn't gone off yet, which meant the Separatist virus was still contained to Bekkan, but they were running out of time.

“We'll handle this, Commander Olin,” Gree called over the commotion. “Get to the tech center!”

How? Ferus thought, and then he realized.

There were still ventilation ducts down here. Ferus took a moment to thank whoever had designed this facility. They had done a terrible job.

Luminara raised a hand, using the Force to tear the cover off the ventilation ducts above them. “We'll hold them off as long as we can,” she said. “Go, now!”

Ferus ran out into the middle of the corridor, trusting Luminara to cover him as blasterfire exploded around him. He climbed into the ducts, pulled Roan up after him and they set off left, toward the lowest level of the facility.

They crawled as quickly as they dared, trying not to make too much noise. Every so often, they would see a squad of droids through the grates below, but Ferus had noticed something odd.

“This is a tech lab,” he said in a low tone. “So where are all the scientists? The researchers?”

Roan slowed for a second, then kept crawling. “I haven't seen anyone,” he realized. “Just droids.”

“This can't be a droid-run facility. The Separatists aren't that stupid,” Ferus muttered.

Even in the dark of the vents, he could see Roan's half shrug. “At this point, I'm starting to think nothing could surprise me.”

Eventually, the vent sloped, becoming straight drop down to level one. The bang of heavy boots landing on metal was unavoidable, and Ferus cringed as he landed, hoping it hadn't been as loud as he thought.

It turned out, it didn't matter. There were no researchers on level one, but there were no droids either. Unease rose within Ferus as they walked through the halls. Something wasn't right here.

He glanced at Roan as they continued through the empty corridors. He could tell by the set of Roan's jaw that he was bothered about something. Several times, he looked sideways at Ferus, but didn't say anything. The silence between them was unusually charged.

There was so much he wanted to say, so much they needed to talk about, but it wasn't the time. They still had a mission to complete.

When the virus was the destroyed and they were back on the Valour, then they could talk.

“No security,” Roan commented with a frown as they rounded a corner and the doors to the tech center came into view. “Could they not spare a few droids to guard the main lab?”

“Well, the door is locked, but that's easily fixed.” Ferus pulled out his datapad, bypassed the security code, and within twenty seconds, the locking mechanism beeped.

He'd half expected a squadron of droids to come charging through the door, but there was nothing but silence. The tech center beyond was dark and Ferus's unease grew stronger.

He began to walk forward, but Roan shook his head. “Let me.” He tried for his old grin. “I have more weapons.”

“And more of a death wish,” Ferus said. This banter, at least, was easy. “Alright. Careful.”

Roan crept forward, blaster raised.

“I don't see anything," he murmured. Then, "Hang on, I think-”

“Wait,” Ferus said urgently, hit with a sudden sense of wrong, “Roan, wait-”

He was cut off by Roan's strangled yell as a shock field in the doorway sent electricity snaking across his body. He arched up, suspended in the air like a doll, before he crumpled to the floor.

Ferus was halfway to his partner before he even knew he was moving, but before he could reach him, he saw the glint of a blaster in the dim light, pointed not at him, but at Roan.

He froze, cold dread stealing through him. It was as if someone had reached into his nightmares and conjured one of his worst fears.

“Come in,” said a stiff, nasally voice from the shadows. “I've been expecting you. Truthfully, I hoped you would bring the Jedi, but I can work with this as well.”

Of course this has been a trap. He had been a fool to think otherwise.

Ferus forced his feet to move as the shadowy figure dragged Roan into the tech center. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust, but once they did he saw that the room was deserted, aside from two commando droids against the wall.. The holotable was darkened. All the computer terminals were shut down but two. One screen was split into eighths, showing cameras on each floor, and one was filled with lines of code.

The commando droids marched forward. They took Ferus's weapon, then kept their blasters trained on Roan as the figure headed for the computers.

“So,” he said, turning back to face Ferus. The computer terminals highlighted his face, and Ferus saw that he was dealing with a Neimoidian. A scientist, by the looks of his uniform. Ferus wouldn't have given him a second look if he'd seen in him the halls, but now he was the most dangerous man in the facility. “Let's talk negotiations, shall we?”

He had no choice. Not with Roan's life on the line. “What do you want?”

“My name is Rycce Cygini,” the Neimoidian said. “I am the head technician at this facility. For months, we have been working here in secret, but as soon as I realized you had infiltrated our defences, I knew our operation could not continue.” He nodded to the surveillance screen. “It was time to cut our losses and evacuate. I sent all my coworkers ahead. I was about to transmit the virus codes to all separatist outposts... and then I realized that to my luck, I had two slicers on my hands! Slicers who could get my virus directly into the Republic's fleet. It was only a matter of separating you from your forces, and I must say, my plan has worked to perfection.”

It wasn't often that Ferus met an intelligent Separatist. He had underestimated this one. He wouldn't make that mistake again.

“Unfortunately for you, you've ruined your own plan,” he said coldly. “I need my Captain to do as you ask.” He nodded to Roan, who was unconscious on the floor at the feet of the commando droids. In doing so, he scanned the room, taking note of another door in the far wall. There were no other droids in the center, just a series of blasters lying on a rack against the closest wall.

“Hmm,” Cygini said, gaze drifting casually over to the commando droids. “I suspect you'll make do without him.”

Ferus knew a threat when he heard one. Cygini had made this personal.

He and Roan had always known this would be a risk. Before they left for the war, they had made a promise to each other, that their relationship wouldn't compromise their assignments. If helping the other put their mission in danger, it couldn't be done. On the battlefield, at least, they could not put each other first.

Ferus had agreed to that promise, hoping that the war would never make him break it. And now here he was, forced to choose between his husband's life, and the security of the Republic.

“What happens to Captain Lands if I do as you ask?”

“I suppose it will be a race against the clock for all parties involved to escape before this facility explodes,” the technician said neutrally. “I assume your clones are finished planting their little bombs.”

“You seem pretty calm for someone who's about to lose everything.”

Cygini waved a dismissive hand. “My research is fine, safely backed up on data chips with my colleagues. The only thing I stand to lose is this facility, which is easily replaceable.”

It was Ferus who stood to lose everything. Cygini didn't know it, but he'd stumbled upon one of Ferus's very few pressure points. He tried to clear his mind enough to think of a plan to get both he and Roan out safely without compromising himself and the mission.

“Unfortunately, my patience is growing thin. I can just kill you both and send the encryption to my superiors.” Cygini gestured to one of his droids and it raised a blaster to Roan. There was a click as it was loaded and in the face of losing his partner, Ferus forgot about the mission.

“Wait!” he shouted, then took a breath as the droid paused. “Wait. Alright.”

Cygini studied him for a long moment, before breaking into a slimy grin. “A most interesting choice. In the future, it may not be wise for you to show your hand so quickly.”

Ferus stared at him, impassive. It didn't matter what Cygini thought he had on him. Roan was still alive.

“Go on, then,” Cygini said. “I don't have all day.”

Ferus sat down at the terminal and studied the virus's code source. It was simple, but very effective. Cygini had designed it to work with Republic systems, meaning it would bypass firewalls and security codes and cause almost immediate damage. It would be easy to transmit the virus- all he needed was an open connection with the Valour and it would be done. From there, the virus had an ability to spread quickly from system to system, causing chaos and destruction.

He couldn't let this reach the Republic fleet. But he also couldn't let Roan die.

Think!

He frowned. The source code was short, and this facility also had the ability to send transmissions to the Separatist fleet in orbit around Bekkan. If Ferus could rewrite the code to work with Separatist targeting systems, he could send the virus to the Separatists instead, destroying the blockade and freeing the planet. He just needed a distraction.

Now would have been a really great time to detonate some of those bombs.

Behind him, there was a whine, then the sizzling sound of frying circuits. Cygini screeched in rage, and Ferus whirled around to see the commando droids lying on the ground, sparking. Their circuits had been overloaded by an EMP, and Roan was crawling towards the rack of blasters against the wall, shaky but conscious.

Distracted, Cygini snarled, lunging for him. Roan turned in time to fend him off, and despite the fact that he had been weakened by the electric field, he had the advantage over the Neimoidian technician. Cygini was a good strategist, but his strength was not physical combat. Ferus had to trust that Roan could handle this.

Roan’s distraction gave him the time he needed. Quickly, he altered the code where needed, redesigning the virus to work with Separatist technology. Before the war, he and Roan had exposed a few corporations in the CIS, using slightly less than legal tactics to do it. The knowledge he had gained then helped him now.

Ferus finished the alterations within ninety seconds, then sent a transmission to the Separatist fleet in orbit. If they accepted the transmission, the virus would infect their targeting systems, destroying the fleet.

There was a heartstopping moment of silence. Then a beep sounded from the computer. The fleet had accepted the transmission.

Ferus allowed himself a moment of satisfaction. It had worked. He had not only prevented the virus from spreading to the Republic's forces in the outer rim, he had turned the Separatist's own cyberweapon against them.

The satisfaction lasted only a moment before the terminal in front of him exploded in a burst of flames, throwing him away from the console.

Ferus hit the ground hard and lay there for a moment, stunned. Shaking his head to clear it, he looked up, then did a double-take at the sight before him.

What?

Around the tech center, all the computer terminals were exploding, sending showers of sparks skittering to the floor. Smoke was beginning to curl into the air as flames licked at the consoles.

And Cygini was holding a blaster to his partner's head.

Roan stirred at Cygini's feet. There was blood trickling down his right temple, and Ferus realized that in the chaos, Cygini must have gotten the upper hand. He had done it again. He had underestimated the Separatist scientist.

Slowly, Ferus pulled himself to his knees, raising his hands. By sheer force of will, he kept his face expressionless. He wouldn't give Cygini anything else to use against him.

“You're cleverer than most, Commander,” Cygini snarled, breathing heavily. “But you were a fool to think that we did not have safeguards in place, in case this facility was compromised. You may have infected the fleet in this system, but the virus will not go further than that.”

“Your safeguards involve destroying the facility? Sounds a little extreme.”

“That is the difference between the Republic and the Separatists,” Cygini said. “You are never willing to go far enough to do what it takes to win.”

Ferus forced his hands not to shake as Cygini dug the blaster into Roan's back. Beings who felt cornered were always extremely dangerous. Ferus had no doubt that he would kill Roan if he felt he had to. “If you need a hostage, I'll trade myself for him,” he said, hoping Cygini couldn't hear the desperation in his tone. “I outrank him- it's a better deal for you.”

“I don't need a hostage, ” Cygini said distastefully, and with a terrible jolt of clarity, Ferus realized what he was about to do. “Just a distraction.”

Three things happened in the space of a moment.

Ferus leaped forward, reaching out uselessly for the Force he could no longer harness.

Blasterfire echoed through the burning room, the sound cutting straight through him.

And Cygini fled into the smoke, leaving Ferus with an impossible choice to make.

The part of him that was a Commander demanded that he go after Cygini- he could not be allowed to escape with all his knowledge. The side of him still deeply ingrained in Jedi teachings told him to consider all options carefully and not act out of emotion, but of peace.

And the vulnerable, scared and human side of him that was in very real danger of losing his other half thought about those ideas, discarded them, and ran to Roan's side.

There was a blackened and burned wound just below Roan's right shoulder blade. He was still alive, but it wouldn't matter either way, if Ferus couldn't find a way to get him out before the facility blew up.

The flames illuminated Roan's pale face, dancing closer with each second. Indecisiveness tore at him. Did he dare move Roan alone? What if he ran into more droids on the way back up to the surface? He had to make a choice, and fast.

“Commander Olin!”

Ferus looked up as Luminara and Gree entered the room, breathing a silent sigh of relief. “Where are the others?”

“I sent them on ahead,” Luminara said. “The Separatists are jamming our transmissions down here. Did you destroy the virus?”

It was destroyed now, gone up in flames with the rest of the facility. But he had put it to good use before that. “First, I sent it to the Separatists. It destroyed their blockade, but triggered a hidden kill switch. We need to get out of here.”

Gree nodded at Roan. “Is he...”

“He's alive,” Ferus said, “but he needs medical attention. We ran into some complications. I'll tell you on the way.”

“Commander Olin,” Luminara said. Something in him froze at her gentle tone. “Once the flames reach our detonators, this facility is going to explode. You cannot carry an injured man up seven levels before that happens.”

Surely... surely she wasn't suggesting he leave Roan. That wasn't even an option.

“Maybe not alone,” he replied. “Commander Gree- help me carry him.”

Luminara shook her head, and when Ferus looked at her, her eyes were sorrowful. “You cannot sacrifice many lives to save one. If we attempt to bring him, we will all perish here.”

His hands tightened in the fabric of Roan's uniform. “I'm not leaving him behind.”

“Go, Commander,” Luminara told Gree. Gree hesitated only a moment before he obeyed his General.

Cracks began to spider across the ceiling. Distantly, Ferus registered more explosions on the upper floors, but they were background noise to the rush of anger in his head.

“Is this the Jedi way? To abandon an injured officer?”

“It is the Jedi way to save as many lives as possible, but we cannot save everyone,” Luminara said. She studied him with a piercing gaze and he felt exposed like this, with Roan half in his lap and one hand protectively on his chest.

It was as if she could see straight into his heart.

“Your attachment is clouding your judgment. If we don't leave now, we'll go up with this facility.” She glanced up at the sound of another explosion, then returned her stare to him.

Attachment.

To have what Roan meant to him narrowed down to such a cold word, one that had carried negative connotations in his mind for years, made him uneasy. Roan was more than an attachment.

But, he realized... he had been treating him like one today. With the return of a Jedi into his life, he had lost sight of what was really important to him. He had let old teachings make him ashamed of the new life he had created for himself, let old whispers of fear back in.

Ferus swallowed down the guilt that rose in his chest. It wasn't a wonder Roan had been upset. He had accidentally chosen the Jedi over his partner.

He wouldn't do that now. Not this time.

Roan had always been a grounding presence in his life and Ferus took a moment now to recenter himself, focusing on the fallen man before him.

He was not a Padawan, bound by old rules. He was a commander, a husband, a friend.

And he would get Roan out alive.

A tremendous crash shook the room as part of the ceiling caved in to Ferus's left. Ferus glanced over in time to see several flaming computer parts fall down after it, sending sparks everywhere. The smoke was so thick in the room that Ferus could hardly see Luminara anymore.

“We have to go!” she called. “That's an order, Commander!”

Ferus scanned the room, only half listening to her. He couldn't carry Roan up seven levels in an exploding building without help, and Luminara wouldn't help him. There had to be another way out of here.

He thought back to the moment Roan had been shot. Cygini had thrown him forward, fired the blaster, and ran- not to the main door, but back into the flames. Towards the back door he'd noticed when he'd first entered the tech center.

Cygini wouldn't have doomed himself. He was too much of a coward, which meant...

Quickly, he shifted his hold on Roan so that he could lift him as he stood. This would have been easier if he had the Force, but he would make do without.

“Commander-”

“Listen to me,” Ferus said, cutting off her disapproving tone. “I think there's another way out of here.”

The disbelief on her face was clear, even through the smoke. “There is only one exit on the floor plan of the facility. How can you be sure?”

“It was never on any map, probably in case the plans fell into enemy hands,” Ferus explained. “But there's a door back there. I think that's how the scientist that shot Roan escaped.” He took a step back. “I'll go alone if I have to. But I'm not leaving without him.”

Luminara's eyes flicked down to Roan. “You would risk your life for him on a suspicion?”

Ferus nodded, once. Then he ran into the smoke, just as the ceiling above where he'd been standing collapsed into rubble.

He blinked rapidly as the smoke and heat burned his eyes, coughed as he fought to breathe. More than once, he stumbled over a piece of rubble, but he never fell, and he wondered if after all the time, the Force was still with him in the small ways.

He revised that thought once he got to the door and discovered that the panel was broken. Cygini must have sabotaged it on his way out. Ferus could hack a locked door. He couldn't hack a fried one.

For the thousandth time since the war began, he wished he still had his lightsaber.

The thought had just crossed his mind when there was a familiar hum behind him. Green light washed over the door.

“Step aside,” Luminara Unduli said, lightsaber in hand, and this time, Ferus wasted no time in doing as she asked.

Within seconds, Luminara had cut a rectangle into the door, then Force-pushed the piece right through to the other side. She took a moment to make sure the other side was clear, then beckoned him in after her.

The other side of the door smelled like stale dirt, but it was a welcome change from the flaming chaos they'd left behind. The cool air was refreshing on his face, and he squinted through the darkness, searching for an end to the tunnel they'd found themselves in. It seemed to stretch far beyond the light of the fire behind them, gradually sloping upwards.

Of course the Separatists would have another means of escape. And there was no technology here, nothing to hack. They had been prepared for a situation like this one.

“Your instincts have served you well,” Luminara said. Ferus couldn't read her tone. “Hurry. We must put some distance between us and the facility, or that explosion will be the least of our worries.”

Explanations and words would come later. For now, Ferus adjusted his grip on Roan's limp form and they took off down the tunnel.

Bekkan was free from Separatist occupation. The two Separatist compounds had been destroyed, as well as the blockade above the planet. The mission had been successful.

But it was only once he was at Roan's side in the Valour's medbay that Ferus finally allowed himself to breathe again.

Roan was alive. He would make a full recovery, according to the med droid. His hand was warm under Ferus's and the underlying terror that had been running through him since they had first entered the tech center finally drained out of him.

Eventually, he would have to face the consequences for his actions in the lab. Luminara would want a word with him. He'd submitted his mission report detailing what happened, which meant Niyras wouldn't be very happy with him either. His intentions had been good, but he'd still disobeyed direct orders from a General.

Ferus looked down at Roan's sleeping form and knew he would do it again in a heartbeat.

“How is he?”

He had expected Luminara to summon him when she wanted to speak with him. He hadn't thought she would seek him out.

“Better,” he answered as Luminara came into the room. “They said he should make a full recovery within a few weeks.”

They would be separated for those weeks, Ferus on the front lines while Roan recovered. He was grateful, in a way, that Roan would finally get a break.

He just wished it hadn't taken an injury like this for it to happen.

“That's good to hear.” She looked over him, taking in his relaxed posture. Her gaze lingered on the hand he had entwined with Roan's and even after everything that had happened, there was still a piece of him, deep down, that told him to pull away. To hide what the Jedi considered a weakness.

His relationship with Roan was not a weakness. It was a strength. It had made him a better, happier person.

He didn't want to hide the best thing that had ever happened to him. Not when he'd come so close to losing it.

He didn't pull away. He tightened his grip on Roan's hand, and his voice was calm when he said, “I owe you an apology for disobeying your orders.”

“Thank you Commander.” Luminara smiled gently. “But you aren't truly sorry.”

She'd seen right through him in seconds. “I'm sorry I had to disobey your orders to do what I did,” he amended.

There was a flash of amusement on her face.“You are more like your former Master than I remember. She would be proud.”

Ferus couldn't help but smile at that. “Thank you.” She might not have meant it that way, but it was the highest compliment he could think of.

He wondered how this mission would have gone, had Siri been the general in charge. She would never have ordered him to leave Roan behind. Of that, he was certain.

Luminara was studying him. “When I knew you, the Jedi Code and your vows were sacred to you. I sense things have changed since then.”

Ferus nodded. “I still have great respect for the Jedi and their ways.” He glanced to his right. “But now, my vows to him are sacred to me.”

Roan's fingers twitched in his. It was the smallest of movements and nothing else about his condition changed, but Ferus noticed anyway.

He could see Luminara taking in what his words meant. This, above all else, was a sign that he had left the Jedi ways behind. Marriage and similar unions were considered against the Code. They were synonymous with possession, which was forbidden.

Ferus had learned to see it differently. Marriage was a promise of commitment, not possession. Once, his vows had been to the Jedi Order. Now, they were to Roan. It was as simple and all-encompassing as that.

“These vows,” Luminara said slowly. “I am... concerned that they are compromising you.”

He raised an eyebrow, leaning back. “I wouldn't exactly be a commander if that were true.”

“You misunderstand. Your feelings have not prevented you from doing your duty. If that were the case, that virus would have crippled our outer rim forces. I see that you are capable of separating duty and attachment.”

Ferus hadn't been expecting that. He'd been prepared to defend himself if she thought otherwise.

“But Ferus,” Luminara continued, “when I gave you that order in the tech center, the amount of fear and anger I sensed in you was... concerning. You may not be a Jedi anymore, but you are not immune to dark feelings.”

He fought down instinctive defensiveness. “What exactly are you saying?”

“We are at war and there won't always be a secret exit to fall back on.” Her tone was soft, but her words cut through him. “What happens to you if you lose him? Are you prepared to let him go, when the time comes?”

Ferus found he couldn't meet her gaze, just as he couldn't give her an answer. He would never be ready for that time. If he lost Roan, he would lose a part of himself.

It wasn't something he liked to think about.

“Celebrate your time together, of course,” Luminara said. Her tone was knowing. “But eventually, you must let him go.”

If he had let Roan go when she asked, he would be dead right now. Ferus fought down a flicker of irritation. She was speaking from a Jedi perspective, one that he couldn't agree with anymore.

Once, he had thought as she did. He was realizing that Luminara Unduli was the model Jedi that he himself could have become, had he stayed in the Jedi Order. That could have been him, calm and efficient, a master of Soresu. That could have been him, a Jedi General, compassionate, yet strictly adhering to the rules.

That could have been him, ordering someone else to leave Roan in an exploding facility.

The thought made him uneasy.

“Thank you for your advice, General,” he said. “But I think we have very different ideals now.”

“Indeed,” Luminara replied. She studied him a moment longer. Then she nodded. “Well then, Commander Olin. I wish you all the best.”

Ferus blinked. He was getting off that easy?

Well. There was still Niyras to deal with. Luminara didn't have the official authority to discipline him, but Niyras did.

Ferus considered that for less than a second before he decided he would much rather deal with Niyras.

“Thank you.” He offered her a slight smile. “It was nice to have a lightsaber around, at least for a while.”

All the same, he would be glad to see her go.

Luminara returned the smile. He caught a glint of amusement in her eyes, as if she could tell what he was thinking. Maybe she could. He had almost forgotten the perception of the Jedi.

“Give your Captain my regards,” she said.

And then she was gone in a swirl of Jedi robes

Ferus dropped his head back against the chair, closing his eyes. The exhaustion was catching up with him. It had been a chaotic day, one he was ready to forget.

But it wasn't over.

“So I'm your Captain now? This is news to me.”

After everything that had happened, that was still enough to make him smile. “Well, I do outrank you.”

“Only in name, partner.”

Ferus opened his eyes, turning his head.

For a moment, he and Roan just looked at one another, and anything he was going to say was choked down by the emotion rising within him.

He had almost lost that teasing tone, those warm eyes. He had come so close to never seeing that concerned expression again.

He would never willingly let this go. He couldn't.

Wordlessly, Roan disentangled his fingers from Ferus's and reached up to grip his arm. The familiarity settled something within him, loosened his chest enough for him to breathe.

“General Unduli sends her regards,” he said when he could speak again.

“So I heard. Charming person. Are all Jedi like that?”

He wished Roan could meet Siri. “Thankfully, no. How much did you hear?”

“Most of it. Though, I might have been hallucinating, because I could have sworn you told her we were married.”

“She seemed quite thrilled to hear that,” Ferus said dryly. “The Jedi version of congratulations is be wary of your feelings. ”

Any other time, that would have made Roan laugh. Instead, he studied Ferus, the tilt of his lips almost a smile.

“I'm getting the sense that I've missed a lot.”

Ferus felt a stab of guilt at the pleased surprise in his voice. He knew his actions earlier had hurt Roan. They'd had long conversations before about the way Ferus had grown up, but Roan had never been directly confronted with Ferus's past until now. Not like this.

Quickly, he ran through what happened in the tech center- how Cygini had tried to blackmail him into sending the virus to the Republic fleet, how Roan's distraction had given him time to send the virus to the Separatists instead- except that he hadn't accounted for the remote kill switch that the Separatists had used to destroy the facility. He explained how Cygini had shot Roan as a distraction so that he could escape.

Roan nodded grimly. “He got away?”

“Not quite.” Once they were clear of the tunnel, Ferus had contacted Niyras, telling him to be on the lookout for a Neimoidian technician. With the planet once again under Republic jurisdiction, Cygini hadn't gotten far. “Niyras's forces caught him on the surface. They're interrogating him now.”

In the end, it had been Cygini who lost everything. Ferus couldn't bring himself to feel sorry for the technician.

“Good,” Roan said. The hesitation from earlier was back. He seemed to consider his next words carefully. “Ferus... Unduli was worried that your vows- to me - are compromising you. What happened?”

Ferus struggled for the right words. “We had a... disagreement in the tech center,” he settled on. “The facility was about to explode. She gave me an order that I couldn't follow.”

“You disobeyed a direct order from a general.”

“It wasn't a very good one.”

“A Jedi general,” Roan said, as if he hadn't heard him.

“I feel like I should be offended at how surprised you sound.” Roan had every right to be surprised, though. Ferus hadn't exactly given him a reason not to be.

“What did she tell you?”

Well, there was little point dragging it out. “She wanted me to leave you behind.”

Roan said, “Ah.” And then he didn't say anything else.

It was unsettling, being unable to read Roan's expression. “She thought she was doing what was best for the team. I think her words were, 'It's the Jedi way to save as many lives as possible, but we can't save everyone.'” Ferus tried for a light smile. “Good thing I'm not a Jedi anymore.”

Roan knew that. Of course Roan knew that, but after the day they'd had, maybe they could both use the reminder.

“Good thing,” Roan agreed, a curious look on his face. And before Ferus could ask if he was alright, he reached up, grabbed Ferus's jacket and pulled him down to kiss him.

Ferus went willingly. Moments like this were much too rare these days, and often they were underlined with the dread that each one would be the last. The war had changed the way Roan kissed him, and although Ferus couldn't blame him for holding on just a bit tighter, for lingering just a bit longer, he missed the days when kissing his husband didn't hold a current of fear.

There was no dread in this kiss, though. Roan brushed gentle fingers against Ferus's jaw, and if he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend they were back on Bellassa, away from the war. He could pretend that separation for the next few weeks wasn't inevitable.

He could pretend nothing had changed.

When Roan released him, Ferus looked up at him just in time to see flicker of tension cross his face as he shifted back.

“You're still in pain,” he realized. Roan was good at hiding it, but it was still evident in the lines of his face, his hesitant movements. “Why did you do that?”

“I assume for the same reason you disobeyed direct orders and risked your life to get me out of an exploding enemy base.”

Well. “It sounds dramatic when you say it like that.”

“You're the most dramatic person I know.” There was a fondness in Roan's eyes that Ferus wasn't sure he deserved. “Thanks for the save.”

“Any time.” Ferus looked away for a moment, gathering his thoughts before he spoke again. “I owe you an apology for earlier. For pushing you away. What I did was-”

“Understandable.”

Derailed, Ferus blinked at him. “What?”

“I didn't get it at first,” Roan clarified. “It felt like you were choosing the Jedi over me, and I couldn't figure out why.” The guilt was back, twisting uncomfortably in his stomach. But Roan didn't let it stay. “And then I heard what Unduli said to you. About being compromised because of me. And I realized that if that's the kind of thing you heard for eighteen years, then your reactions earlier made a lot of sense.”

“I've told you about the Jedi rule against attachments before,” Ferus said, confused.

“Yes. But like I said earlier, I've never met a Jedi before. It helped put things in perspective.” He couldn't find a trace of anger or resentment on Roan's face. Roan... wasn't upset. Not anymore, at least. It took a weight off his shoulders than he hadn't even known existed.

“And,” Roan added lightly, “you did save my life. How could I be mad after that?”

Temporarily speechless, Ferus shook his head. “And here I had an entire apology prepared.”

Roan looked amused. “I'm not opposed to grovelling. But I think I'd rather know why you told Unduli that we're married. I have to say, I wasn't expecting that.”

He had surprised himself as well. They didn't hide their relationship, but they didn't broadcast it, either. Not in the environment they were in right now.

Ferus considered his answer. “I'm not ashamed of the life I've built since leaving the Jedi,” he said slowly. “You're important to me, beyond just an attachment. Before we parted ways, I wanted her to know that.”

It had felt right to tell her. Even if she hadn't understood the choices he'd made since leaving the Order, it was almost freeing to have someone from his old life know of his new one.

Roan closed his eyes. There was a faint smile on his face. “Well. I definitely can't be mad at you now.”

The silence that fell over the room wasn't awkward or heavy. It was calm and comfortable. Ferus found himself in no hurry to break it. Even something as simple as sitting in silence with Roan was not something he took for granted anymore.

“You look like you're about to fall asleep in that chair,” Roan said after a while.

“It's been a long day,” Ferus said. He didn't move.

“My point was rather that there's a perfectly good bed right here.”

“Thanks, but it's taken.”

“Funnily enough, that's never stopped you before.”

He really couldn't afford to relax. He still needed to talk to Niyras, still needed to check in on Cygini's interrogation and see if he'd given them any information on other Separatist cyberweapons. He still needed to head up to the war room and see how cleanup on Everon was going.

But in a few hours, the medical frigate would arrive to take the wounded. He'd had less than a full day with Roan and already they would be separated again. Surely the war could wait, just for a while.

Usually, he didn't allow himself to be selfish like this. But considering the circumstances of the day, he didn't feel that guilty about lying down next to Roan, careful to avoid putting stress on his injuries as he turned his face to Roan's shoulder.

He closed his eyes. Roan brought a hand up to his hair, running his fingers through the gold streak like he always did. It reminded him of the many afternoons they'd spent in the parks of Ussa, enjoying the light of the “endless hour”, the long late afternoon twilight that Bellassa was known for. Sometimes they had brought datapads so they could work outside in the warm weather. Others, they'd simply talked until it was too dark to see, lying in the grass.

Instead of the endless hour, they had harsh medbay lighting and the cold air of a venator-class warship. Instead of children running through the parks, there was the click of boots in the corridors outside. The smell of smoke still clung to their skin and hair, a reminder of their near miss earlier.

But Roan was with him. They were both alive, and Ferus had to believe that one day the war would end and they would both be around to enjoy the endless hour on Bellassa again.

“Have you spoken to Niyras?” Roan asked quietly.

Ferus frowned. “Not yet. Let's hope he's in a good mood after the win on Bekkan, or else I might find myself with the rank of Captain again by the end of the day.”

“Pity you didn't take my last name.” Ferus could hear the grin in his tone. He knew what Roan was thinking, because they'd had this discussion before.

“As amusing as Captain Lands and Captain Lands would have been, Olin/Lands doesn't really work if there's no Olin. Our business would suffer.”

“Still getting hung up on the details, I see.”

He hid a smile in Roan's hair. “One of us has to.”

Now that he knew what it was like to love someone this much, he couldn't quite agree with the Jedi view on attachments. Luminara had thought that his relationship would one day compromise him. But she had not seen this- the warmth, the comfort, the happiness that it brought him.

What happens to you if you lose him?

That worry seemed far away now. If he had any say, it would remain irrelevant for a very long time.

For now, he would take a lesson from the Jedi and live in the moment. He would treasure his time with Roan while it lasted.