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Determinedly looking down at the worn floor, Remus wondered if either ignorance or determination or simply blatant stubbornness would be enough to get him out of... this.
This being the upcoming conversation; the one with Tonks that he had been dreading the day since Sirius pulled him aside and said: "hey, you idiot, that's her."
Whilst Remus had meekly attempted to protest that it was very likely that it was unrequited Sirius corrected him in saying that it was very unlikely, and anyway, did you see her face afterwards? Sirius, the guy who was perfectly content with his lack of a soulmark, reprimanding Remus about his own.
So when Tonks had, a week (and a day) after they had first met, pulled him aside to "talk", Remus tried to, firstly, not freak out. Then he vainly tried to make an excuse: "I've, got, um ...". He'd never been a very good liar, leading Tonks to give him a stern look coupled with a Lupin, sweetly turning to Sirius instead and one if you wouldn't mind, Sirius dear, to make sure Remus is in the library after dinner? ta later, Remus was slouched on a charcoal couch at 7 o'clock at night in his best friend's library.
Tonks had yet to make an appearance, so Remus was working through all of the appearance charms he could think of - first he cast a Notice-Me-Not charm, followed by disillusionment. Then he cast Silencio on himself, curling up lengthways into the couch in an effort to simply disappear.
There was a loud thumping up the stairs, accompanied by a "hi, Ginny, just checking something out,", more thumping, and then the squeak of the big, heavy oaken door of the library being swung open.
From his position, Remus could see Tonks brow furrowing both in confusion and annoyance at his lack of appearance. He had, however, unbeknownst to her, fulfilled his part of the agreement - he was physically here, if not visibly.
Unfortunately for him, Tonks was a qualified - and very capable - auror.
Tonks muttered homenum revelio under her breath, casting it with a swish of her wand. Her frown growing deeper, she approached the couch warily.
"What are you playing at, Lupin?" Tonks said indignantly, which was followed by a long silence within which Tonks dismantled his charms. Remus appeared, feeling sorry for himself as he burrowed deeper into the couch. "Excuse my french, but what the hell, Lupin? Your reluctance to meet up would be appropriate if you thought I was going to murder you, for Merlin's sake!"
Remus, now visible yet still, sadly, blending into the couch quite well with his drab, patched robes and silver-flecked hair, looked up. "Um - well ..."
"Well what, Lupin?" Tonks - not seethed, exactly, but there was a hearty pinch of anger behind her words - said, glaring down at him. "I want to talk to you, and -"
"But I don't want to," Remus cut in, a little harshly and childishly.
Tonks huffed. "Then tell me why, exactly, because whilst confrontations can be ugly I'd rather do one to clear the air then leave it smelling like garbage, thanks."
"It's not you, it's me," Remus said patiently, with the air of a teacher correcting his student of a simple misunderstanding.
"Right. Well then, Mr Child, did you go to school with Professor Snape or something? Because there seems to be some sort of, you know, animosity, between you and him but especially between him and Sirius."
Remus, in response, gave a quiet chuckle mixed with relief. "Well ... that wasn't what I was excepting."
"What were you excepting, Remus?" Tonks asked lightly. "Me to torture you into insanity or something equally unpleasant, because that was how you were acting."
"To be fair," Remus said, now struggling to maintain a straight face, "you acted very seriously about this meeting considering its relatively benign matter."
"Oh," Tonks said, twiddling her thumbs, "it was, for me! All this unexplained tension in the room between my cousin and my professor and my-" she cut herself off abruptly, her short blonde hair acquiring a fiery tinge.
"My what, Tonks?"
"New acquaintance from the Order, of course. Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," she replied, a lit bit awkwardly but Remus was too relieved to notice.
"Well, to answer your question, Tonks, yes, we were all in the same year level. I'm not proud of it, but we did... antagonise... Snape constantly. It was a vicious, two-way street... I didn't like how Sirius and James treated Snape, but there was not much I could do," answered Remus, choosing to stare at his nails instead of looking at the person who he was shamefully addressing - which were meticulous and clean as he definitely didn't need any more reminders of his condition than the ones he already had.
"Oh," Tonks said. "That makes sense. Now budge over, Remus, this couch is a three seater, not a bed."
He slowly moved out of his lying position, shuffling across to the side of the couch closer to the door and swinging his legs off the couch, beckoning for Tonks to come sit down next to him on his left side.
"Well." Tonks sat down abruptly. "That explains why Professor Snape has been extra pissy at Sirius every time he's come," Tonks remarked, swinging her legs.
A little groan of annoyance escaped Remus. "It's weird hearing you call him professor. It's weird hearing anyone calling him a professor, but especially an adult because it makes me feel old. Also, there goes the gangly teenager and death eater that I knew, now he is the renowned feared Potions master of Hogwarts."
Tonks rolled her eyes at him. "Did you break out of your habit of calling Professor McGonagall 'professor' in just under a week. I think not."
Remus smiled, albeit guiltily. "It was difficult," he admitted, swinging his right leg around to rest on his left leg.
"It would have been," Tonks replied, shuffling around, in an effort to get into a more comfortable position, "well, it is for me, at least! Calling her Minerva is just plain odd."
Then, when the breath of the comfortable yet natural lapse of a conversation came, Tonks swung her right leg around to tuck next to her body.
Unfortunately for her, she aimed too low.
"I am so sorry," exclaimed Tonks, her face bright crimson. "Sorry about that, I'll just dislodge my ankle from your ankle right now... "
She trailed off as her frantic exertions yielded no success. Her ankle stayed where it was, glued to Remus'.
Remus started to panic inwardly.
"Ah... Remus... do you know what is happening right now? 'Cause I don't have a clue," Tonks said, struggling to get into a somewhat comfortable position. Talk about from the frying pan, into the fire.
An image swims into Remus' mind, unbidden. James and Lily were stuck for a day once when Lily had accidentally backhanded the back of James' right hand with her right hand. When the disgruntled pair was finally convinced to go see Madam Pomfrey, she told them, quite simply: "you're requited soulmates and your soulmarks, therefore, appear on the same spot on your bodies; therefore, the universe has created a mechanism to force you to acknowledge this which glues your soulmarks together if they accidentally brush because one or both of you would be too stubborn to acknowledge it otherwise."
A.k.a; what was happening now was the universe intervening and telling Remus that no, you are not allowed to ignore this whole soul mate business.
Damn it. "I do," Remus answered quietly, "and it's... complicated."
Tonks frowned, her brow furrowing. "I don't understand. Sure, this is weird, but it's probably just a sticking jinx from Sirius or something else irritating yet irrelevant."
"It's not," Remus said, bowing his head, barely noticing Tonks' comment in his own rising anxiety. "It's... something else entirely."
"Don't keep me in suspense, Remus." Tonks pushed a lock of strawberry blonde hair behind her ear. "Spill the beans."
Remus lifted his head as if it was the greatest weight he had ever carried on his shoulders. With a whisper, he said, "Is that Sirius Black. I'm sorry, Tonks, but we're soulmates - though you would have already known that - but this is the universe's literal confirmation that we're requited."
Her head snapped around to face him, her mouth slightly open in shock. "Why are you apologising for being my soulmate, Remus Lupin?" Tonks asked, a dangerous tone colouring her voice. "Am I such a horrible person that-"
"No," Remus quickly intervened, leaning back further into the couch, "as I honestly told you before, it's not you, it's me."
"Oh." A look of understanding dawned on her face. "That's - that's why you were freaking out before about our little meeting, you thought I was going to - well, why are you so scared?"
The tone of her question was not mocking; rather, it was gentle, understanding and above all oozing with curiosity.
"I'm a werewolf, Tonks, as you already know," Remus said, the disgust and self-loathing he felt towards himself clearly expressed in his tone. As if he was not worthy enough for anything because of something which he could not control. "Not to mention that I am 13 years older than you and I am extremely poor due to my affliction."
"So?" Tonks snorted. She tapped him on the shoulder, forcing him to look her dead in the eye. "You honestly think that I am as shallow to care about that? Your lycanthropy is a disease you happen to have which is in no way your fault, your lack of sufficient money to support yourself is because the society we live in is prejudiced assholes towards werewolves, and, well," she shrugged, "the age gap is a fact of life. Anyway, we're both legal adults so it doesn't matter in the long run."
A silence yawned in the room, expanding enough to dust the cobwebs as Remus failed to respond.
"Well?"
Remus gave Tonks a weak smile, his pale lashes fluttering and a rosy colour climbing up his cheeks as he looked away from her, instead choosing to gaze at the pine floorboards. "So. We're soulmates. Ok," he said, his usual eloquence lost, chancing a glance in Tonks' direction. "But," he added, raising a hand as he saw Tonks' overtly hopeful face, "I believe in free will over fate. So, let's get to know each other before we decide on anything, okay? Let's not have fate control us."
"Ok," Tonks said, a beam of a smile creeping over her face. "That sounds reasonable."
Their ankles disconnected, the magnetic force which had been joining them dissipating, being fooled into thinking its job was done.
Remus stood up, brushing his robes off from the dust that they had inadvertently collected from the room. "Bye Tonks, then. See you at the next meeting."
Tonks, clutching at the couch, awkwardly pulled herself up, wincing as she did so. "I hate those positions which are insanely comfortable when you're sitting down, but the second you get up they're painfully uncomfortable, you know?"
"Yes, I do. I'll stay up here and check that Sirius isn't terrorizing the house with his drunkness again."
Her light chuckle lifted up the overall atmosphere of the room. "Bye, Remus. See you then."
With a patter of feet, the stumbles still present - Tonks clearly did not adhere to the saying "wisely and slow, they stumble that run fast" - Tonks ran down the stairs and, thankfully, managed to exit Grimmauld Place without waking up the portrait.
With a sigh, Remus removed his crossed fingers from his pocket, glad that Tonks hadn't noticed them. For he hoped that, as she grew to knew him, that a romantic relationship would be the furthest thing from her mind, even if the universe did decree otherwise. Forever.