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Day One (Arpinum: 106 BC. January 3rd)
Was born. Go me!
Still not consul. But am baby. In fact, q. impressive I can write at all.
89 BC
Serving in Sulla's army. Have met v. nice guy called Pompey. Same age as me. Showed me his sword. Am q. impressed, but did not know it was used that way. Those army blokes!
Think I will show my support in speeches. Pompey is nice sort of bloke, if you get beyond the constant 'is he looking at me'? Didn't know who he meant so smiled and told him about how I like knights a lot. He didn't seem to understand.
Still not consul.
83 BC
Pompey came back from wherever it is he was. Wondered why he wasn't replying to my letters. Must just be bad post service there. He has been v. busy. Can't talk much. Can wait. Waiting….
Still not consul.
80 BC
Guy called Roscius came in asking for my help. Apparently, he hadn't killed his dad after all, and wanted his money back. Wasn't that bothered, just wanted to speak against Hortensius. Have heard a lot about him from nice lady called Clodia. He likes trees she said.
Later.
Took Hortensius a nice rose for his garden. Clodia got a bit annoyed, but Hortensius rushed off to plant it. Said he would show me how he 'Feeds The Fishie'. Oh, won speech BTW. Pompey not answering my letters. He must be busy.
Still not consul.
77 BC
Hortensius likes fish too much. Doesn't think about ME. Oh no, spends more time with his beloved Pinky than me. Clodia told me I didn't have to put up with it and I should go where I was appreciated. Going to Greece. Clodia didn't look that happy. Maybe because she won't hear my speeches for a while?
Later.
Met v. nice bloke called Atticus. House was a little busy when I was there, full of men. Kept asking me if I wanted to lie down, but told him no I was alright thank you. He did seem disappointed, perhaps has new bed he wanted to show off? Decided to tell him about my speech against Hortensius instead. Had to come back to Rome, but he gave me his card and told me if I needed anything- anything- that I should write to him.
Oh, married Terentia.
Still not consul.
76 BC
Saw Clodia with brother today. She did not seem happy to see me. Pompey very busy.
Still not consul.
75 BC
Am quaestor in Sicily. YEY! Still not consul.
Sicily is OK. Weather is nice, and is plenty of corn. No fishes, thankfully. Wrote to Atticus again. He seems to like writing to me. Asks me to write anything I want to. Send my poems and stuff. Seems to be v. nice bloke.
Not consul, but getting there.
74 BC
Was most annoyed when met a man in pub I did not know, and he did not know me. Decided to let everyone know whole life story as soon as meet them in future to avoid embarrassment. Will be easier I reckon.
Still not consul.
73 BC
Some guy called Spartacus running around in shorts. Most unfetching. Pompey gone off to catch him. Don't see why. Think he just wants to see Crassus. Pah. Not into that whole male-bonding blood and guts thing. Oh, some guy called Caesar became Pontifex. Big skirty affair. Harumph.
Still not consul.
70 BC
Still not consul. But am aedile. Go me! Pompey and Crassus consuls. Not fair. Why can't I be consul with Pompey? Decided to prosecute Verres as was in bad mood. Atticus says not to worry. Won't come to Rome to cheer me up though.
67 BC
Am now praetor. J.C bloke married Pompeia. Am q. surprised after what I heard about him from Atticus. Pompey off again. This time to play with pirates. Lucky pirates. Erm.
Still not consul.
66 BC
This guy called Catiline propositioned. Was not sure what he meant at first, but he definitely wanted to form a political alliance. Said I could not, as he didn't like all the constitutional traditional stuff like tassels and sticks.
Still not consul.
63 BC
AM CONSUL! WHIPPIE! Daddy would be so proud.
YEYEYYEYE!!! Atticus wrote me a nice letter, but he was upset I definitely wouldn't be leaving Rome to visit him all year. Said he could come here but he didn't want to for some reason.
J.C. now Pontifex Maximus. Bigger robes. But still, I'm consul and he's not ner ner ner ner ner. In fact, he came up to talk to me. Q. nice bloke really. Told me I looked good.
Later.
Apparently Catiline sour about me refusing to get into bed with him and rule Rome with him. Did whole big 'drinking blood and threatening to burn down Rome thing'. Told him that he should stop getting miffed that I was wearing the trousers. Atticus said it was because he wanted consulship too.
In fact, he sent hitman round to get me. He eventually gave up and went away by the time I told him about my eleventh birthday. Did I say I was consul?
Sicilians brought other guys to me. Took them to Senate. Made brilliant speech. J.C. all for killing em. Cato wanted them in private houses… under guard. One does wonder about him. My speech best. I so rule. And did I mention I was consul?
62 BC
Am not consul. Am V. depressed. On good side, Catiline dead. He can't stalk me now.
Clodius was in J.C's house during festival thing. Think he was trying to find J.C. Found wifey instead. Oopsies. Came asking me for alibi, apparently Clodia said I'd help. Was not impressed.
61 BC
Pompey came back wearing cloak. Really suited him. Atticus said he was sorting out an ex over in Asia Minor. Pah.
Still not consul anymore.
60 BC
Pompey seems awfully pally with Crassus and J.C. Will kill J.C if he tries anything. Not fair. J.C. keeps writing me letters. Asked Atticus but he said it was normal and did we want to visit him together? Told him I was busy.
Still not consul anymore.
59 BC
J.C. consul. Making a mockery of the thing. Not like when I held the position. He has no respect for tassels. Also suspect there is a problem. He is keeping pet Clodius on a lead. Along with his bitch of a sister. Does he know they come buy-one-get-one-free? Maybe that's why he did.
J.C. offered me position on his staff. Pompey still being 'busy.' Wonder if he'd be so busy if I had a triumph? Then I could be just like those other army guys. Just like… J.C. Uhm.
Still not consul anymore.
58 BC
Am now in Greece. Long story. But I'll tell it.
In 106 in Arpinum, a boy was- Oh, you've heard already? Alright. J.C. enjoying robes too much. Forced Pompey (Pompey wouldn't do it willingly, right?) to help him make silly Clodius a pleb. Now he's a tribune, and vetoing left right and centre more than Cato. Even worse, am now not allowed fire or water anywhere near Rome. Don't really want fire or water, but nice foot massage and glass of wine.
Pompey did not come to help. Nor did other Optimates. Came waving… handkerchiefs… sobbing. Yes, sobbing. Don't see why they couldn't help me stay instead of making banners and streamers.
Atticus very happy. Invited me to party. Might go.
Am not in Rome. Am V. depressed. Only good thing is no one here has heard my life story yet. Some consolation. Began writing 'Cicero: The Musical', 'Cicero: The Opera' and 'Cicero: A Year in Office in B flat minor'. Will train some men to perform it.
57 BC
YEYEYEYE!!! Pompey recalled me from exile! Whippie! Knew he couldn't leave his old best bosom buddy in Coventry for long. Actually, his letter was q. short. Understatement, that's what it was. He was so overcome that he couldn't write. And wanted letter sending as soon as possible. Yes. Must be it.
Senate also seemed overcome. Cato made a long speech, when I wanted to report back and remind them of what a good thing it was to recall the sole saviour of our state. Must have a quiet word.
56 BC
Caesar and co. keep making me do... things. Got a bit upset when I attacked Caesar's Land Bill. Don't think I was wrong, though. Pompey and he are always worried about their ex-service men rather too much, and about getting places for them to stay. Don't know why they're so obsessed.
All shouting in Senate. Milo and Clodius posturing with their respective gangs. Don't say I approve of the patches they've been sewing into their togas. Clodia got her brother to shout over to me in the middle of it:
'Pervy equites fancier!'
To which my only reply was: "At least I don't keep mine in my family."
Milo then started asking me how Tullia was doing. Gave him a full report.
Main problem is Crassus and Pompey had a big falling out over who looked better in robes. Also, this Auletes guy has something to do with it. Am told he is v. good with pipes.
Still not consul anymore.
55 BC
J.C. off in shabby little place playing with his army. Keep writing back how 'J.C. did this, J.C did that.' Blah blah blah. Just because he doesn't know how to form the first person of verbs. Idiot. We do.
Also, think he has a thing about the rough locals he always writes about. British my arse. Quintus went with him. Am not happy.
Still not consul anymore.
53 BC
Pompey made me a legate. Bit boring but jolly nice all the same. Heard that Crassus died in battle. A glorious death, or something. Warrior types. Huh.
Pompey started sulking at that. Stupid, because he hated him while he was alive. Asked him what was the matter and all he said was "How could they do that to his head? Its… sick!"
I replied that it was probably a quick and effective way of killing someone, and he looked at me oddly. Then went off muttering something about robes. Ah well.
52 BC
Big fight. Shall now tell you in full detail.
Milo was screaming "Take him! Take him dammit!"
"No!" Clodius replied. "I don't see what Clodia sees in him!"
Did not know to whom they referred, but it was pretty venomous.
"No, he's annoying!" screamed Milo.
"Not for all the fish in Gaul!" snapped Clodius.
They then began to run all around the coach, but soon they were laughing and tickling one another. I shouted that they should calm down before somebody lost an eye, but they simply laughed at me.
Pompey poked me and was telling me to stop being so damn uptight, and why couldn't I understand it was just male bonding when Milo tackled Clodius over enthusiastically, rolled around, smacked into the coach and killed him plain out dead.
"Oops."
Milo was then very pally with me, and in fact kept following me about saying how it was all a misunderstanding and could easily be interpreted badly and how important I was to him. Eventually agreed to defend him just to get rid of him. He complimented my nose too much.
Went to court, but Clodia kept winking at me from the seats and mouthing things I must have lip-read badly. Very badly. Went home very fast.
Oh, Milo ended up in the middle of nowhere, not that I care.
51 BC
On second thoughts, running away to Cilicia to avoid Clodia not altogether a good idea. It is very boring. There aren't very many knights around. Tried to rouse spirits by stomping on some foreigners, to see if I can do those army-guy things Pompey seems to like so much, but it's a lot of eagle waving. Still tassels I suppose, but a lot dirtier.
Caelius keeps asking me for panthers. Am not quite sure why he wants panthers so badly, but am certain it is not for the games he says they are for. A friend of mine once sent him fifty and not one ended up in the games. He said they died of natural causes and in transit, but fifty?
Wrote back to tell them what I did, but they didn't seem to want to give me a triumph. Something about it being 'There but for the grace of God' said Cato. He said unless I thought I was a god, I would have to have a Thanksgiving to get the credit I believed myself due.
Am still going to ask others to vote for my triumph.
Am getting v. v. bored now. Do not even have Tullia to keep me company. Maybe I will go and see what the panther business is all about.
Still not consul anymore. Not even in Rome. But if squint, proconsul looks a bit like consul. In fact only three letters over. More letters of consul then pro. Indeed, I'm a PROFESSSIONAL-consul. YEY!
50 BC
Am not going back there ever again and never ever looking at a panther. EVER. Thank god I'm back in Rome.
But Pompey keeps asking me whether I think he looks better in robes than J.C.
Load of messing about about governors. Tribunes keep saying no. Funny, they must have been taking elocution lessons from Cato. Ecoutez et repetez: Veto.
J.C.'s little holiday might be over soon.
49 BC
J.C. back. Was paddling in Rubicon with bucket and spade when spotted by someone. Claimed he hadn't really crossed back in and had just tried to fetch a lost tassel, but Pompey doesn't believe him.
Asked Pompey if he wanted to play dice, to which Pompey replied; "Don't you think we're beyond dice, J.C.?"
J.C. then told him, "Veni vidi vicum."
Wondered what village he was talking about briefly, and Pompey left Rome in floods of tears, begging me to come with him. Did not go as do not like Spanish wine overmuch.
J.C. asked me if I would like to play dice, but I told him I preferred cards. Seems Antony never away from my house, always sweet-talking me. Q. annoying. Asked him did he want something? Rest of Caesarians always coming to my house.
Useless Dolabella left Tullia alone to go play with J.C.'s army. Knew he was a bad choice.
Still want triumph, but damn bodyguard is annoying me.
Everybody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Spain.
Oh and Tullia had baby.
48 BC
Pompey dead. Am v. sad. But what Egyptians did was not fair play at all. Was not at battle as was a little ill. In fact, still feel ill. Can't write much.
47 BC
Am now back in Rome. J.C. pardoned me. Told him it was about bloody time he apologised, and he looked at me weirdly.
Dolabella keeps whining about how Tullia is taken by someone else, and how he likes someone else. Told him to stop whining. Oh, divorced Terentia.
46 BC
Married Publia. Divorced Publia.
Have heard Cato threw himself on sword. Have also heard he committed suicide. Do not know which of conflicting stories to believe. Am not surprised, but am not all that worried. Cato obviously couldn't live without Pompey.
Always thought he was a bit of a weirdo, actually. He respected tassels, but he wore his togas so thin they were practically see-through. In fact, in places they were. But he always covered up his ankles.
45 BC
Tullia dead. V v v v v v v sad. Going to build a shrine.
Dolabella and Hirtius want me to teach them 'oral techniques' but they suck at rhetoric.
Caesar came to tea, but unfortunately could not be persuaded to keep soldiers at home. Soldiers camped (very camped) outside house and J.C. went for a bubble bath.
We had sausages.
'Ten little sausages sizzling in a pan, one went 'pop' and another went 'bang.'
The karaoke, was, in retrospection, a bad idea.
J.C. spent most of his time discussing cartoons and dirty books he'd read. Harumph. He drank most of the wine, then asked what I thought of his robes? Waste of good tassels, I said. He left, sulking. Bah.
44 BC
Was walking past J.C.'s office when heard what sounded like Antony shouting; "Oh god!"
"No, just J.C." came the smooth and unruffled reply.
Huh. Got worse at stupid Lupercalia. Antony got this big circle thingy and was hitting people with sticks. Assumed he was fed up of dice and wanted to play quoits. Asked him about it.
"Oh, it's all in the wrist action," he winked.
Antony then went off smacking people's backsides rather indiscriminately, and twirling that band of gold on his finger, whistling. Later, someone told me he went down on his knees before J.C. and asked; "Perineum?"
"Not without the…" suffice it to say, J.C. didn't take the corona.
Some batty old women with new books had once said that Parthians could only be killed under a king. Naturally, J.C. was up for the job. Oh and some shit about the Ides of March. Don't get me wrong, those books have pretty tassels, but well… puh-lease, those colours are so plebeian!
But anyway, he came nonetheless and was gloating in front of Pompey's statue when someone distracted Antony by throwing a stick and shouting "Fetch!"
J.C. thus alone a moment, Brutus and a handful of people begin sticking him with their daggers. Apparently they shouted my name. Was kind of flattered that they'd think of me at a time like that.
Ohhhhhh. J.C. all dead like. Blood and stuff. Eurgh… all over the Senate. Uhm, hate blood. Thankfully it is not my own. Am also a bit miffed Brutus didn't tell me of his plan.
And J.C.'s words not all that memorable: "Te-he, big tool, Brutus!" I ask you.
Cannot go back to Capitol as all I see is blood. EURGH. Must stay away.
Merkle. Am STILL upset about not being let in on plan. In fact, think I shall write the Brutuses a letter. Damn them.
Still not consul, but at least we are now spared the J.C.'s holidays things like 'Consul-for-a-day'. Am still annoyed that he thought I was too much in debt to pay for it. Hmph. Everyone else has been consul more than once. Not fair. Am now sulking.
43 BC
Phillip (well, that's what he asked me to call him. God knows why. Must be some weird fetish of his) has really been annoying lately. Have decided to go into the East as no one nice hitting on me.
Sigh. All the Best Men are dead.