Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Hey, ya alright? Wanna-”

“No,” the response was curt without much emotion, “don’t wanna talk bout it. I’m fine.”

I’m fine. That phrase rung in Daryl’s for a while after being spoken. No, he wasn’t all right, and that’s why he wants to talk about it. Daryl knows what can happen when thoughts are left unspoken, when all you’re left with is the haunting memories of a time that should be buried far beneath the depths of the human mind.

And, for what it’s worth, Daryl knows firsthand how much it hurts to relive such a painful moment, or multiple for that matter. Hershel, Merle, Beth, and really the only thing that got him through it was actually opening his fucking mouth and letting the emotions flow, even letting a few tears fall.

Rick doesn’t like to express much emotion, though. He would much rather internalize it, let it sit in his mind until eventually it falls off the surface and he doesn’t have to worry about it anymore, at least until a reminder is brought up. Daryl noticed it with Lori in particular, how Rick hallucinated days on end, almost forgetting he had a group to run and a child to raise. That’s why he went out of his way to care for Carl, handle business around the farm, and just let Rick… be.

This time was different. Rick couldn’t just let this be. He actually needed to talk with Daryl, actually get out his thoughts and emotions because this? This will eat away at him, and Daryl is quite certain it will tear him apart. And, he doesn’t want to see his partner torn apart. He doesn’t want to see him suffer, because as cliche will have it, why the fuck does he have to suffer alone? Why should he even feel that way?

“Look, Rick,” Daryl grunted and sat in front of his partner, rubbing Rick’s shoulders slightly. He cowers from the touch, shaking slightly, because he hasn’t been touched since that night . Daryl’s face falls, only realizing for the first time since rescuing Rick the number Jadis and her group did on him, and quite frankly, he didn’t want to know the details.

“Please, Rick… talk to me. Ya dun even need to go into detail. Jus… dun keep it inside. I know how you get.”

A stray tear fell down Rick’s cheek, and he blinked hard, trying to ignore the sudden bout of emotion. He’d been doing that a lot since returning, and he grew tired of everyone asking if he was all right because he wasn’t , and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. He was thankful for Daryl backing off, giving him the space to cool off, even going as far as sleeping in separate beds because Rick couldn’t bear being touched by someone else. He felt disgusted with himself, almost shameful because he allowed all of this to happen.

And, that hurt the most. He couldn’t sleep in the same bed as his partner because just the thought of being touched, even just an accidental graze, was too much to handle. Sleeping alone hurt, too; he has constantly been plagued by nightmares and flashbacks since that night, waking up in cold sweats and withering in pain from the constant reminder, physical and mental.

Daryl knew this was happening, too. It was no secret Rick kept waking in the middle of the night, crying out unintelligible phrases and gripping the duvet with clenched fists because he felt he had nowhere else to turn. Daryl knew he should go into the room and try to offer some comfort, but again, he knows how Rick is , and Rick will do anything to make sure others don’t know how he’s feeling. Feelings and emotions got too complicated, and Daryl knew that deep down, Rick was still the same sheriff he was before this whole apocalypse started.

“Nothin’ to say,” it was shakily mumbled, but in Daryl’s eyes, it was better than nothing. “Look, I thought I was doin’ the right thing. I didn’t… I-I didn’t think I’d be, y-you know…”

“Hey, Rick… ya don’t have to say it, s’alright.” Daryl moved in a little closer, noticing Rick’s shoulders shaking a bit more. Another tear fell down his cheek, and Jesus Christ , Daryl wanted nothing more than to take his thumb and wipe it away, but he knew the younger, broken man before him, would wince and most likely not be so receptive to the touch right now. It pained Daryl, mostly because he didn’t know what else to do .

“Lemme hold ya, Rick… please…”

Rick quickly shook his head and drew his knees tighter into his chest, curling further into himself. Tears were falling freely now, and he began to whimper as tiny sobs wracked his fragile body. As much as he tried, he couldn’t hold it back anymore. Daryl still kept his distance, though, and just decided to wait until Rick maybe, just maybe , invited his touch.

“I’m not gonna hurt ya, I’m not gonna do anythin’ ya don’t want me to do. I promise. Ya got my word. All I wanna do is help. I… I don’t like seein’ ya like this. Please.”

Daryl placed a gentle hand on Rick’s cheek. He flinched, but didn’t exactly back away. With care he wiped away the excess tears, although more continued to fall. Daryl stroked his partner’s cheek a bit more, in an attempt to show Rick that it was okay; no one would hurt him anymore, at least on Daryl’s watch. Daryl would be damned if Rick went on another run on his own, or came up with another plan.

“I’m not gonna hurt ya… I promise.” Daryl said it again, trying to offer some sort of reassurance. He had nothing left. He didn’t know how else to get through to Rick.

Rick lifted his head and met Daryl’s gaze. Sad, tired eyes looked into Daryl’s, and with the little strength he had in him, slowly shifted himself into Daryl’s lap and rested his head in his chest. The shaking didn’t really subside, but at least he wasn’t too much afraid of Daryl’s touch anymore. He wrapped his arms tightly around Daryl’s middle and continued to sob, tears soaking Daryl’s shirt as he continued to cry. Daryl rubbed his back and kissed the top of his head, rocking them slightly to try and ease the pain, the embarrassment and emotional anguish Rick felt for the past few days. Daryl didn’t always knew what to do in these situations, really didn’t know how to make it better, but being with Rick the past few years he truly felt like he learned quite a bit about taking care of another person, actually helping them to get through different things. Needless to say, he liked it.

“It’ll be okay. Soon… I promise,” Daryl lifted Rick’s chin and gave him a peck on the cheek, “I’m here. I’m not gonna go anywhere. I’m not gonna leave ya.”

Rick nodded and rested his head on Daryl’s shoulder, arms still wrapped tightly around his partner. It felt better than having to deal with it alone, Rick thought to himself. Hell, he didn’t want to deal with it alone, but the experience just left him so petrified by human touch that he just didn’t know what to do, and how to handle it. He knew he hurt Daryl, especially by wandering off to Jadis and her group alone.

All of that didn’t matter now, though. Filled with nothing but despair and sorrow, all Rick could do was lie in Daryl’s arms and hope, maybe even pray, at some point this will all pass.